Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Crucible - full transcript

FRASIER: You're listening to
KACL, 780 on your A.M. dial.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane.

All our lines are open,
so please give us a call.

I'm just sitting here waiting.

Hey, Seattle, come on,
I know you're out there.

Hey, look, I realize
it's a... it's a sunny day

but on all those rainy
days, I was there for you.

Well, all right, then.

If that's the way you want
it, you leave me no recourse.

( clears throat)

♪ When the moon hits
your eye like a big pizza... ♪



Ah, it seems to have
gotten you going there, okay!

All right, then.

I knew you were out there.

Okay, Roz, who do we have?

We have Gary from Issaquah

on line two.

He and his wife had a big fight.

Sorry to hear that, Gar.

Uh... I'm listening.

GARY: Well, you see, Dr. Crane

my wife's hell-bent on
going to Italy this year.

Ah, Italia!

The rolling hills of
Toscana, the art of Firenze

the passion that is Venezia.



Yeah, well, anyway...

I like taking a vacation
as much as the next guy

but I say if we dip
into our savings

the first thing we should buy

is a new sump pump
for the basement.

At least with that...

Oh, listen, Gary, let
me just stop you there.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to
side with your wife on this one.

But the trip to Italy
costs 1,800 bucks,

and that doesn't include

the "Splendors of
the Vatican" package.

Gary, there is more to
life than sump pumps.

Whatever happened
to feeding our souls?

Look, for example,

I recently purchased a painting

by one of this
country's premier artists.

Oh, it's not important who...

Well... well, it's Seattle's
own Martha Paxton. But, uh...

Practical? No, but ever
since acquiring that painting

I look at it every day and
there's not a moment when I do

that I'm not uplifted
by its beauty.

So, Gary, go to Italy.

Bring back a suitcase
full of memories.

Will you do that?

I still think I should
get the sump pump.

Well, then yes, Gary, you...
you should get the sump pump.

We'll be right back
after this newsbreak.

Roz? Uh, just what
is a sump pump?

If you need one, you'll know.

Listen, do you
really own a Paxton

or were you just
blowing sunshine

up old Gary's skirt?

Yes, indeed, I do own a Paxton.

Well, you'll be happy to
know she's on line three.

Oh, my God.

Roz, she's the preeminent
neofauvist of the 20th century

how could you put her on hold?

Well, the phone rang, I
pushed the little button...

Yes, hello?

Ms. Paxton, oh, I'm so sorry

to have kept you waiting.

Uh... well, thank you!

Yes. Oh, well,
I'm very flattered

that you listen
to my little show.

Yes, oh... well, yes,
I meant every word.

Oh, that's lovely.

I'd-I'd-I'd like to meet
you, too, sometime.

As a matter of fact, I'm
having a few friends over

for a little gathering
this Friday night

for some cocktails and such,

and... well, I suppose
you're far too...

You would?

Oh, that's marvelous!

Well, all right, that's
the Elliott Bay Towers

on the counterbalance,
around 7:00 is just fine

and, uh... well,
I'll see you then.

Ciao!

I didn't know you were
having a cocktail party.

That makes two of us!

( playing jazz on piano)

DAPHNE: Well, me
theory on death is

first, you're whisked
down a long, dark tunnel

towards a beautiful white light.

You suddenly get all the
jokes you never got before.

You let out a little
chuckle and then you die.

( laughs)

That's a delightful
story, Daphne,

but, you know, I
think the toast points

need replenishing.

Be right on it.

Enchanting, just enchanting.

My God, Niles,
why is no one eating

the mousseline of duck?

Oh, you mangy little cur!

Get! Get! Get! Oh!

Now we know why.

No problem.

Look, Niles, the dog
is eating the food,

the pianist is too intrusive,

the pinot noir is far too stagy,

and it's five past 7:00

and Martha isn't even here yet.

I'm not going to have
to sedate you, am I?

No, I'm just a bit on edge.

I want everything
to be so perfect.

By the way, where's Maris?

I haven't seen her all night.

She's on your bed.

My bed?

Yes, she's asleep
under the guests' coats.

She exhausts easily

under the pressure
to be interesting.

Niles, she's supposed
to be looking after Dad.

That's the only reason
you're here, remember?

Dad is in the
bathroom. Don't worry.

( doorbell rings)

That must be... la Paxton!

And fashionably late, of course!

Oh, hi, Roz, it's you.

And you look radiant!

I look like crap.

I got a spot on my dress,

I over-plucked one eyebrow,

and the crotch of my pantyhose

is creeping down to my knees.

Couldn't you have just
done that on the elevator?

Oh, my goodness,
Roz, you've got a neck!

Geez, so, what do
you think of the place?

Is it everything you
imagined it would be?

Well, to be frank, Frasier

I don't spend my idle hours
imagining how you live.

But I did expect lots of beige.

And look, I was right.

Would you like a drink?

Sure, something
light would be nice.

Young man.

Double bourbon, rocks

and spill a little in the glass.

Oh, Daphne, you're here, too.

My goodness, Dr. Crane

shouldn't you be
out there mixing?

Oh, don't mind me.

I'm just getting some ice.

Lovely party, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Look at this fresh fennel.

Oh, it smells
wonderful, doesn't it?

It certainly does.

Dr. Crane...

were you sniffing my hair?

Why would I do
a thing like that?

I'm a happily married man.

I love my Maris.

Where should I put this coat?

Just throw it on the bed.

So, Frasier, which
one is your Dad?

Uh, well, he's the older
gentleman over there

talking to Bethany Van Pelt

showing her the the photographs.

Oh, my God!

And when we finally got to her

it was only hanging
by two tendons.

Uh, would you excuse us, please?

Dad, would you stop showing

these crime scene photos?

You're embarrassing me.

Oh, these society
people eat this up.

Besides, she was the
one who brought it up.

Oh, she brought it
up; Bethany Van Pelt

the head of the Junior League

brought up the subject

of a hooker whose body

was hideously dismembered

and scattered all over
an abandoned warehouse.

Yeah, she asked, "Aren't
these Swedish meatballs

the messiest things
you've ever seen?"

And I said, "No, as
a matter of fact..."

Dad, Dad, Dad, please!

All right, all right, but
stop shadowing me.

I don't need a nursemaid.

All right, if you
give me your word

that's good enough for me.

You watch him!

Hi, Niles.

Oh, hello.

You may not
remember me. I'm Roz...

Of course I remember you.

Would you be a love

and watch that man with a cane?

( doorbell rings)

Everyone!

Dr. Crane?

I am Martha Paxton.

Of course.

Who else could you be?

Welcome to my salon!

Everyone... everyone,
your attention please.

I'd like you all to welcome
our guest of honor

the renowned artist,

Martha Paxton.

( applause)

May I take your... poncho?

No, no, no, no, no.

I never take it off at parties.

Gives me an excuse

not to shake hands with people.

Oh, how delightfully eccentric.

You must meet my brother Niles.

Oh, Niles.

Ms. Paxton?

Dr. Niles Crane.

It's an honor to
shake your hand.

Well, to shake anything
of yours is an honor.

Now...

where did you hang my painting?

I'm always curious to know
how people live with my work.

"Live with my work."
I love that phrase.

If you would, right
this way, please.

I think this is the perfect
spot for an ideal viewing.

Oh, God, I've waited
so long for this moment.

I'm just going to stand back

and let you describe your work

"Elegy in Green,"
in your own words.

The way you insinuate the
palette but never lean on it!

You've captured the
zeitgeist of our generation.

It is the most perfect canvas

it has ever been my
privilege to gaze upon.

I mean, one can only imagine
what inspired you to paint it.

I didn't paint it.

Well, of course you didn't.

You... you created
it, you gave birth to it.

I didn't do anything to it.

I never saw this "painting"
before in my whole life!

And you thought I was
going to embarrass you.

Hey, I really liked
your friend, Roz.

What?

Roz, at the party
tonight... Nice gal.

Why don't you ask her out?

She's great-looking

and she can really
hold her liquor.

Dad, you mind?

I've just suffered the most
humiliating evening of my life.

I've been made a fool of
by this... this... this thing.

You know, I may be just
a girl from Manchester

but I have to tell you

even though it's not a Paxton

I really like that picture.

I liked it the minute I saw it.

I liked it before I even knew

who Martha Paxton was,

and quite frankly

I don't think that woman bathes.

Well, enjoy it while you can

because first
thing in the morning

this goes back to the
dealer where I bought it.

I'm demanding my money back.

No one is going to take
advantage of Frasier Crane.

You know what?

Listen, Frasier, you're
kind of upset about this.

Maybe I should
return it for you.

Oh, well, Dad, I
appreciate the gesture,

but really, I mean

what do you know
about the art world?

Apparently about
as much as you do.

I can see the love in your eyes.

You must have this painting.

Are you the owner?

Yes, I am... Philip Hayson.

How do you do?
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

I have a little...

No, not the Dr. Frasier Crane

from the radio?

Guilty, yes, but I'd like to...

My wife and I love your show.

Could I have your
autograph before you go?

It would be my pleasure.

But speaking of autographs

I have a problem
with this painting.

I'm really distressed
to hear that.

Would you like a glass of wine?

Well, actually
I... My wife and I

toured the Loire
Valley last year

and we couldn't resist

buying four cases of this.

It's really quite extraordinary.

I hope you like it.

I'd rather not have any wine...

Just a minute, just a minute...

Oh, that's rather nice isn't it?

It finishes well, doesn't it?

Very well; would you like to...?

No, no, thank you, I...

Getting back to my problem...

I recently gave a
small, but elegant soiree

at which Martha Paxton
was in attendance you see,

and she told me that this
painting was not her work.

Oh, dear. I can imagine

how embarrassing
that must have been.

I doubt you can, Mr. Hayson.

Please... Philip.

Let's take a look at that

in a slightly better
light, shall we?

Oh, yes, I remember this.

It's breathtaking.

Yes, well... Ronald, Diane...

will you step in here
a moment please?

Do you remember when
this piece was in the gallery

everyone who saw it wanted it.

Yes, it's a very special piece.

Mrs. Cicciorelli was
heartbroken when it sold.

Oh, I remember that.

Yes, I'm sure she was, but
you see, it's not a Paxton.

Well, it says right
here that it is a Paxton.

The signature...

Martha Paxton says
that it's not a Paxton!

Oh, Martha...

How is the old dear?

You know, she and
I go back a long way.

Is she still...?

As a Crenshaw melon, yes.

Would you like more wine?

No, I don't want any wine.

I want to discuss this painting.

Oh, so would I...
Maybe some brie?

No, I... no brie, I
don't want any brie.

Look, I want my money back!

Oh. Well... that's where
things might just get a bit prickly.

You see, we have a strict
policy here at the Hayson Gallery:

all sales are final.

But in this case

you're willing to make
an exception, right?

Oh, I'd love to, but I can't.

Yes, but it's a forgery.

Well, if it is, it's a
damn good one.

( laughs)

All right, Phil, I'm going
to make this simple:

I want my money.

I'm sure you do.

I don't believe this.

Oh, I know what you're doing.

You're-you're handling me.

You're agreeing
with everything I say

hoping I'll tire and go away.

Whatever you say.

I don't believe it!

You're... you're shining me on!

You are shining me on!

Where is the fairness in this?

Where is the justice?

Dr. Crane, if you ever find

justice in this world

let me know, will you?

Now, if you'll excuse me

I have some work to do.

Oh, what? Did a crate

of freshly painted
Rembrandts just arrive?!

Damn it, you're not
getting away with this!

I am not leaving!

I'm not leaving!

I am not leaving.

( keys jingling)

What are you still
doing with that?

Thought you were
going to return it.

They wouldn't take it back.

All I got was some attitude
and a cheap glass of wine.

Loire Valley, my ass.

So, what are you
going to do now?

Well, they forced my hand;

I'm going to call the police.

555-3000.

Thanks, Dad.

Try to mess with
Dr. Frasier Crane...

I'll teach them.

Hello, yes, uh...
oh, just a second.

Dad, who do I ask for?

Have them put you through

to the Fine Arts
Forgery department.

Right. Hello, yes, uh...

the Fine Arts Forgery
department, please.

Dad...

they're laughing at me.

Give me the phone.

Hi, who's this?

Hey, Doris!

Yeah, it's Marty Crane.

Yeah, that was my son.

( chuckles)

Yeah, I just thought
that he needed

a bite of a reality sandwich.

Yeah.

Yeah, give my best to the guys.

Thanks. Yeah, bye.

What was that?

Frasier, the boys downtown

have got their hands full

of murders and robberies.

They don't have time

for this artsy-fartsy stuff.

Geez, Dad, but what
am I suppose to do?

I've been cheated!

What were you two
doing back there?

Maris lost her earring
at the party last night.

Daphne was good enough
to crawl under the bed

to look for it, while I...

Yes...?

Searched the credenza.

Maybe I'll go check
in the hallway.

It might have gotten
trampled into the carpet

when everybody
stampeded for the elevator.

No one stampeded!

They were all just good guests.

They knew when to leave.

Two hours early.

Oh, shut up, Niles!

Oh, I see.

Am I to ascribe this
foul mood to the fact

that you were unable to
unload the bogus Paxton?

Yes.

Geez, I know, Niles, uh...

what is the name of that really
vicious lawyer that you use?

Which one?

The one I used to
sue the contractor

or the one I used to
sue the personal trainer?

The meanest.

That would be the second one.

I used him to sue the first one.

Ah... all right...

Just give me his
number, will you?

Ah, forget it, Frasier.

Five years of litigation
and you'll end up paying

eight times what you
paid for the painting.

He's right about that.

God, I hate lawyers!

Oh, me, too.

But they make
wonderful patients.

They have excellent
health insurance

and they never get better.

Say, I know, I know, I
can use my radio show.

Why didn't I think
of this earlier?

I can use my bully pulpit

to expose that man
for the fraud that he is.

No, Frasier, that's slander.

He'll sue you for
everything you've got.

Damn it, Niles,
where is the justice?

Where am I supposed to turn to?

I'm a beloved
household personality

and I've been screwed!

For God's sake, Frasier,
you're 41 years old.

It's time you learned something:

the system ain't perfect.

Sometimes the bad guy wins.

And all those things you thought

would be around to help you...

The courts and the
police department...

Well, sometimes they're not
there when you need them.

So you can either let it
eat a hole in your stomach

or you can just file it away

under the heading
"sometimes life sucks."

Yeah, well, that file's
getting pretty thick.

So that's that, huh?

Hayson just gets away with it.

He's sitting there right now

with his brie and his wine

and his little chuckle
at my expense.

I finally understand
why people take matters

into their own hands.

It would be so satisfying
right now to just...

slash his tires

or throw a brick through
his window, or something,

just so he'd learn that
you don't do this to people

and get away with it.

Yes, well, I know you, Frasier

and I know you
would never resort

to that sort of thing.

Would you, Frasier?

There's a vein throbbing
in your forehead.

( door opens)

Well, I couldn't
find it in the hallway,

but let me give it one last try.

Could you give me
the matching earring?

Maybe I'll get
something from it.

Oh, yes, I'm getting a feeling.

It's in your father's room.

No... no... it's in
Dr. Crane's room.

No... oh, this is odd.

Now it's in the hallway.

NILES, DAPHNE: Eddie!

Good evening.

Lovely night, isn't it?

Yes, well, uh...

Good night.

( car honking)

Get in the car.

Niles, what the hell
are you doing here?

Stopping you from doing
something really stupid.

Now, get in the car. I will not!

Niles, I know this is
wrong, but I don't care.

It's the only thing left for me.

All right, Frasier.

Frasier, just give me the brick

and no one will get hurt.

Why don't you just go away.

This is no concern of yours.

Yes, it is.

How?

Remember that day
in junior high school

when somebody
took all my clothes

while I was in the shower
right after gym class?

They hung them from the goalpost

on the football field.

I had no choice
but to get a ladder

and climb up there
wearing nothing but a towel...

Wet and shivering.

Then the towel fell off.

There I was, your little brother

hanging naked from a goalpost

and everyone was
standing around laughing

and all Coach Medwick would do

was stand there going...
whatever that means.

Niles, why are
you telling me this?

Because I was so humiliated.

I went home, I
cried my eyes out.

I swore I would get even.

I was just about to put sugar

into Coach Medwick's gas tank

and you stopped me.

Remember what you said?

"If you act like a barbarian

you will become a barbarian."

I said that?

Yes, well, actually you were
more verbose at the time.

I had to listen... you
were sitting on my chest.

Give me the brick, Frasier.

And let him get away with this?

I know, I know.

What the gallery owner
did to you was wrong,

it was humiliating,

but if you throw that
brick through that window,

you will have lost something
more valuable than your money.

You have lost...

your mind.

Frasier, you can't do this!

Well, Niles, if you
were strong enough

to show restraint after
so much humiliation,

not to mention the nicknames...

Nicknames...

There were nicknames?

You didn't know that?

Oh, dear God, yes,
uh, "Peachfuzz,"

"Jingle bells"...

I can't remember the rest.

Peachfuzz?

Yes, I believe Coach Medwick

made that one up himself.

Well, anyway, here you are.

I won't be needing this anymore.

I'm proud of you.

( alarm rings)

Oh, God, Niles,
what have you done?!

I struck a blow for justice.

Nobody calls me Peachfuzz.

Now let's get the
hell out of here.

Niles, what are you doing now?

We may be barbarians,
but we pay for our pillaging.

Come on, go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT PICTURES

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Scrambled eggs all over my face.

What is a boy to do?

Frasier has left the building.