Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 5 - Here's Looking at You - full transcript

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Hello, Doug, this
is Dr. Frasier Crane.

I'm listening.

DOUG: Yeah, well,
it's about my mother.

She's getting on now

And she doesn't have
much of a life, and...

I mean, she doesn't want to
do anything or-or go anywhere.

And she literally hangs
around the house all day.

I mean, it's-it's...
it's very frustrating.

Um, Doug, I'm sorry. Can
we just go back for a second?

You said your mother literally
hangs around the house.



Well, I suppose it's
a-a pet peeve of mine

but, uh, what you mean to say is

that she figuratively
hangs around the house.

To-to literally hang
around the house

you'd have to be a bat or
a spider monkey, you see.

Now, back to your problem.

Do you mind if we stop
while I tell you my pet peeve?

Oh, not at all.

I hate it when
intellectual pinheads

with superiority complexes

nit-pick your grammar when
you come to them for help.

That's what I got
a problem with!

( slams phone)

( dial tone)



I think what he means is

that is a thing... with
which he has a problem.

Well, it's time
for a station break

and, uh, we'll be right back

after a word from
our friends at...

Pizza, Pizza, Pizza.

Hey, you want to
hear my pet peeve?

It's when you're in
a department store

and the clerk is right in
the middle of helping you

and the phone rings, so
he starts taking care of them

and you're left
standing there, going

"Excuse me, but all I did was
come all the way down here

"in person while some joker is
sitting at home in his underwear

getting first-rate service."

Don't you hate that?

Well, actually, I do most
of my shopping by phone.

See, Roz, you know, this
conversation with Doug

has got me thinking
about my father.

He doesn't do much
of anything either.

He just, uh, sits around
most of the time watching TV

or doing the occasional
crossword puzzle.

What does your mother do?

She's the Attorney
General of Wisconsin.

No, really.

Really.

Well...

I guess that helps fill her day.

Yeah, to quote Mom, "Crime
never stops, even in the dairy state."

Well, I don't think public
office is for Dad, but, uh...

well, maybe I can find
him a hobby or something.

Uh, you got any suggestions?

Well, in her spare time

Mom likes to water ski a little.

She hikes, oil paints...

Oh, she likes archaeology.

She's on a dig in
Honduras right now.

( door closes)

Yeah, maybe I could get
him a woodburning set.

FRASIER: Is Dad still asleep?

Yes, he's napping with the dog.

Eddie's little legs
are going like mad.

I think he's dreaming
of chasing rabbits.

I can't explain your
father's twitching.

Well, I'm just about
done with this thing.

I think your dad's going
to love it. Yeah, me, too.

You know, I was walking
through the hobby shop.

I saw this, and it
was like, "Eureka."

I said to myself... I
actually said, "Eureka."

Ah, yes... there
are a million stories

in the naked city.

Now, if we could
just find a naked one.

Dr. Crane!

You naughty boy.

Peeking in on other
people's privacy.

Oh, Daphne, really.

I mean, if people
were so concerned

about their precious privacy

would they leave
their blinds open

at that certain angle

where you can see the
mirror over the mantel

that reflects down the hall

to the waterbed
in the back room?

( door opening)

I think I hear your
father coming.

Stand in front of it.

We'll make this a surprise.

( clears throat) Hi, guys.

Dad. How was your nap?

Great, but I had
the strangest dream.

I dreamt this beautiful
woman with bad breath

was licking my face.

Hey, where'd you just come from?

Dad, I got a surprise for you.

Hey, a telescope!
Isn't that neat?

Oh, that's a... that's a beaut!

What's the occasion?

Well, there's no occasion.

I just thought you'd like it.

Hey, that's great, thanks!

You know, I saw in the news

there's a bunch of falcons

nesting in the eaves
of the Columbia tower.

Maybe I can watch
them from here.

Dad, Dad, forget the falcons.

You can see everything
that's going on

in-in that apartment
building over there.

Hey, I've locked people up

for that kind of behavior.

Oh, come on, it's
perfectly innocent.

Just think of it as having

like, 100 more
channels to watch.

DAPHNE: Just look at them...

People going about their lives.

There's an old couple
watching the telly.

Oh, just next door

an attractive young woman
is working at her computer

while below her

a burly man is using

a beach towel to sop
up a large pool of blood.

Oh, my God!

What?!

Ooh!

Daddy!

Nah, that's tomato juice.

You can see the
can on the counter.

Oh.

You were right about that woman

at the computer, though.

She's a looker.

( chuckling): Ah, you see?
There's a voyeur in all of us.

Ah, let's see what else the
Seattle skyline has to offer.

I say we make a
strict rule, though.

Hmm?

If anybody starts
doing anything nasty

we move on, agreed?

I said, agreed?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Whoa!

There's a lady over
there with a telescope.

She's looking back at us!

Well... well...
what shall we do?

Hide!

I knew it, I knew it!

Every time I do something
bad, I get caught!

Hi! How you doing?

What are you doing?

She's waving at
us. I'm waving back.

Don't do that!

Why not? Hey, wait.

She's writing something down.

She's holding it up.

It says, "Hello,
there, stranger."

Hey! Hey, Daphne, great!

Get me that pad and pen.

Wait, wait, wait, wh-what for?

I'm going to answer her.

Write down, "My name is Martin."

Dad, Dad, you shouldn't
encourage this person.

I don't want... I don't
really want people

looking in on our lives here.

I-I don't think I
made my bed today.

Is she writing anything else?

Yeah. "My name is Irene."

Her name's Irene.

Her name's Irene.

Thank you.

Wait, she's writing
something else.

"Is that Dr. Crane
from the radio

hiding there behind you?"

It does not say that!

( gasps) It does say that!

Hello!

MARTIN: Her oldest son's
an accountant in Portland.

He was the breech birth, right?

No, that's the dentist in Boise.

Oh, right.

He's the one with the
wife that won't let him visit.

I can't stand her.

( door opens)

Morning, Dad, Daphne.

Hey.

Morning, Irene.

Hey, Frasier,
when you were a kid

what was the name
of that skin condition

you had on your butt?

It was pityriasis rosea.

How do you spell that?

Why?

Irene and I are
exchanging family histories.

Dad, I really don't think

your girlfriend needs
to know about that.

She's not my girlfriend!

Oh, come on.

You two have been
exchanging notes now

for the last three days.

If you were in the sixth grade

you'd be sitting in
a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

( laughing)

Here, Daphne, let me...

let me borrow that
pad, would you?

What are you doing?

Well, I'm going to help along

your little romance

and possibly
save a small forest.

I'm giving her our
telephone number.

No! No, no, no,
no, no, don't do that!

Why?

Well, she'll think

I'm being too forward.

For God's sake, Dad

you met peeping
into her apartment.

She's not going to call.

You want to bet?

Yeah, five bucks.

Okay.

( phone rings)

Well, are you
going to answer it?

You get it.

Dad, it's for you.

( ringing)

Hello?

No, no, this is Frasier, hi.

I'm fine.

Well, it, uh...
gets a little flaky

when the weather
is dry, but, uh...

Tell her I'm not home!

Oh, Dad, she knows you're home.

She's looking at you
through the telescope.

Now, come on, you're
just a little nervous.

Hello?

Hi.

Yeah, it's nice hearing yours.

Can you hold on a minute?

Would you two get out of here?

I'm getting a very
good feeling about this.

Really?

Do you really think
he's interested in her?

Yes, I think so.

( both giggling)

Do you want to hear
something cute, Dr. Crane?

I made him this rich, gooey
coffee cake this morning

because you know
what a sweet tooth he has

and he wouldn't
even take one bite

because, as he put it

women don't like a
spare tire on a man.

( both chuckling)

That's so cute.

Yeah.

Oh, it's funny, you know?

The twists and turns of fate.

If I had tried to set
Dad up with a woman

he would have rejected
the idea out of hand

but I go out, get him
this telescope for a hobby

and it kindles this romance.

It's Kismet.

Well?

What?

What happened?

We talked on the phone.

And was she nice?

Was she interesting?

What did she say?

She said a lot of stuff.

So it's safe to assume

that you two will be,
uh, seeing each other?

Ah, she wanted
to, but I said no.

No! Why?

She's not my type.

Oh, coffee cake!

Hey, we got any
butter around here?

NILES: You know Brewster Kale

the pompous twit who's the
president of my wine club?

Well, at our meeting
the other night

I convinced some of
my fellow psychiatrists

to play a little prank on him.

Mm-hmm.

When he thought he was
tasting a Chateau Petrus

he was, in fact,
sipping a Forcas Dupre.

( giggling)

You see, we'd
switched the labels.

What scamps you are.

There he was,
proclaiming the Petrus

to be the superior wine

and, of course, none of us
could contain our laughter.

His face must have turned redder

than a Pichon-Longueville.

Well, of course,
as so often happens

roughhouse turns to tears.

At the end of the evening

Brewster tendered
his resignation.

That must have put a
damper on the evening.

Well, not really...
I'm the new president.

Kudos, indeed.

I have a... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Are Dad and his lady friend

still playing telescope footsie?

What was her name?

Uh, Irene.

No, they've-they've
broken it off.

Already? I-I thought
it was going so well.

Well, it was, and
then they spoke once

and then Dad said
she wasn't his type.

So it's over, it's done.

He's completely
cut her out of his life.

I-I just don't understand

what would make him do that.

Oh, who knows why
anybody does anything.

Remind me again
what you do for a living.

You see, the thing is, it
was just one phone call.

I mean, how can anyone
make a sound judgment

about another person on
the basis of one phone call?

Remind me again what
it is you do for a living.

Well, anyway, I... I suppose it
could be any number of reasons...

Fear of rejection, shyness...

Or maybe Dad
was telling the truth

and she just wasn't his type.

If only we knew someone who was.

I know... Maris' lovely
Aunt Patrice is in town

visiting from Washington D.C.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Maybe we
should set Dad up with her.

No, Niles, I-I've
met Aunt Patrice.

The woman is a loon.

Well... Frasier, do this for me.

Every time Aunt
Patrice comes to visit

Maris makes all these plans

then she dives under the
duvet with a two-week migraine

and I'm left holding the
bag... Literally and figuratively.

No, I don't think so, Niles.

I... I know Dad... don't meddle.

All right.

The least you could do is
say hello to Aunt Patrice.

I'm not driving
out to your house.

You don't have to.
She's sitting out in the car.

You left her in the car?

I cracked open a window.

Well, then she's fine.

C-calm down, son.

Just... no, listen to Daddy.

It's just a bad
dream, I promise you.

Senator Thurmond
is not in your closet.

That's a good boy.

All right.

Okay, yes, you go
back to bed now.

Yeah... I love you, too.

Listen, I'll-I'll see
you next weekend.

Okay, bye-bye.

How's Freddy?

Oh, Frederick is fine.

Oh, he sent his love

and said to thank you for
the toy gun you gave him.

At least, what he
can remember of it

before Lilith smashed it to
bits with a croquet mallet.

Oh, it's such a beautiful night.

The city is lit up like a jewel.

Oh, look, there's Irene!

She's sitting in her window

wearing a stunning green dress.

But her face... it's so sad!

Oh... oh, s-she's
holding a note.

It says

"Martin, was it
something I wrote?"

Will you cut it out?

Irene is not sitting
in her window.

Oh, all right, Dad.

No, she isn't, but she might
as well be, for God sakes.

That's got to be what she's
thinking. ( doorbell rings)

Didn't you ever meet a woman
and then decide she's not the one?

Yes... five years
after I married her.

Hello there, Frasier.

Niles! I-I was specifically
not expecting you.

Frasier, you
remember Aunt Patrice.

Well, of course, of course

Aunt Patrice, yes.

Um, I don't recall really
when we met, but, um...

I believe there was a lot
of laughing and dancing.

My husband's funeral.

Yes... of course.

Well, of course,
the laughter was

you know, to hide our tears.

Yes.

Let me take your wrap.

Thank you.

We were taking a drive

and I thought, why, we're just

a couple of short ferry rides

from Frasier's, so...

we decided to pop over.

Niles!

Is this the charming gentleman
you were telling me about?

Oh, Patrice, you bloodhound

you've treed another one.

NILES: Yes...

this is my dad.

How do you do, Patrice?

I'm Martin Crane. How do you do?

This is Daphne moon.

How do you do?

Nice to meet you.
Please. Thank you.

So, what brings you to Seattle?

Well, I came to see Maris

but the poor thing's
taken to her bed again.

To this day, I have
no idea how tall she is.

NILES: Yes...

So, I've had
Patrice all to myself

and we've had a
great time, haven't we?

Well, if you call sitting
in your waiting room

for four hours, reading old
magazines a "great time"

well, then, yes,
we had a laugh riot.

Now I know where Maris
gets her sense of humor.

( chuckling)

Why don't I pop into the kitchen

and get us all
some refreshments?

A capital idea

and why don't
Frasier and I join you?

That'll give these kids some
time to get to know one another.

Niles, I distinctly told you

not to bring her here.

I ran out of ways
to entertain her.

We went to the
arboretum, a fashion show

a matinee of La Cage Aux Folles

and we even spat off
of the space needle.

I'm sorry, I cracked.

Niles...

that woman is
certainly not Dad's type.

You never know when love
can bloom between two people

who seem so different on
the surface, do you, Daphne?

To tell you the truth, I never
thought opposites attract.

Neither do I. We're
alike in so many ways.

Oh, come on, Niles.

We can't leave Dad out
there alone with her any longer.

I'm sure they're
doing just fine.

D'go y'gou sp'geak g'g-speak'g?

Oh, Lord, I was afraid of this.

What?

D'go y'gou sp'geak g'g-speak'g?

Niles, I think she's having
a stroke or something.

No, no, Dad, it's just g-speak.

Come again? It's something
Maris and Aunt Patrice

love to trout out at parties.

Yes! You see, you just
put a "g" in every syllable

so you would be

M'gar'g'tin G'Crane.

Come on, j-j-just
say it with me.

Come on... M'gar'g'tin...

( forced chuckling)

I don't think Dad's interested.

Oh, b'ge a good
sp'gort, N'giles.

What did she say?

She said, "Be a sport, Niles."

B'ge a'g sp'gort, ta-dah!

Dad, do you still
have your billy club?

It's in my top drawer.

Isn't it a hoot?

You know, it's all the
rage in Washington.

Well, of course, you know

who speaks it all the time?

G'george
ste'g'pha'g'no'g'opoul'g'os.

( obnoxious laughter)

I found some pizza rolls
in the back of the freezer

but the expiration
date was yesterday.

Are we game?

Uh, that won't be
necessary, Daphne.

We don't want to
spoil our appetites

for that, uh... dinner
we're about to leave for

in, oh, 20 minutes.

Yeah, that's right.

That dinner at,
uh... in 20 minutes.

Oh, Niles, I told you

we shouldn't have
just stopped by.

These people have plans.

How I envy them.

It was such a pleasure
meeting you, Martin.

Likewise.

Oh, now, now, you
can do better than that!

Oh!

( giggling)

Oh, I look forward to
our next trip to Seattle.

Great!

Oh, if you're ever in
the Washington area

I'm in the b'gook. Bye, bye!

What the hell was that?

I feel sorry for the poor thing.

I feel sorry for Niles.

That's who I'm
talking about. Mm...

You know, I saw
what you just did.

What did I do?

When Patrice went to
hug you, you moved away.

Wouldn't you?

No, Dad now

no, you moved away
from the window.

You didn't want Irene to see you

with another woman.

You still care about her.

Ah, go chase yourself.

Dad, you do!

There's something stopping you

from having a relationship
with this woman.

Now, what is it?

Boy, you're not going
to let go of this thing!

No, I'm not.

All right.

Irene's middle name is Rose.

So?

Rose is a nice name.

Rose was Mother's middle name.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, Dad...

Look, y-you can't
feel guilty about that.

You know...

Geez, Mom's been
gone for six years now.

Your feelings for Irene
are totally separate

from your feelings for Mom.

You know, if she was
here, if she could tell you

s-she'd want you to
get on with your life.

Okay.

When I'm ready.

Thanks, Frasier.

You know, I guess I
don't say it often enough

but you're a good kid.

Well, thanks, Dad.

You know, there's something
I don't say often enough...

There's nothing you
don't say often enough.

Right, Dad.

I couldn't help but overhear.

That was a very
nice thing to say.

Yeah, he's a good kid.

The only strange part is

I could have sworn

Irene's middle name was Marie.

No, it isn't.

Well, I-I can go check.

I still have all our
notes in the trash.

All right, all right, I had
to tell him something.

Well, I-I don't know why

but he-he just won't believe me

when I tell him that
Irene just isn't my type.

You sure she isn't?

You're going to get
on my back, too?

No, but I was just wondering

if the reason why
things didn't work out

between you and
Irene was... well...

What?

Well, maybe if you weren't

just a little self-conscious
about your hip.

That's ridiculous.

Well, I'm glad to hear that

because you really
don't have anything

to be self-conscious
about, you know.

With that silvery mane,
twinkling blue eyes

and whiskey voice

you're quite a package.

Yeah, I'm quite a catch.

You are... and you
know as well as I do

that history is full
of sexy limpers.

For instance...

Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Of course, he didn't
limp so much as roll.

Oh, I know... Toulouse-Lautrec.

Although he was
rather a little person.

Still, he did do rather
well with the ladies.

Of course, they
were all prostitutes.

But then he was French

and there's no
explaining their taste.

What's your point?

I guess I don't have one.

It's just me running
on the way I do.

But there is one last
little thing: I did notice

that every time you went
to the telescope to see Irene

you hid your cane.

I just put it off to the side

so I wouldn't trip
over the damn thing.

I knew there was a good reason.

It must feel awful silly
when that cane trips you up.

FRASIER: Dad!
Dad, will you hurry up?

She's going to be
here any minute.

All right, all right.

Daphne, see if I
got this tie on right.

It just needs a
minor adjustment.

What's all this hair on it?

The only way I can
get the knot right

is if I tie it on Eddie first.

Boy, it's been a long
time since I've been dating.

Have things changed
much in the last 40 years?

Well, the wardrobe's a
little different, but, um...

your ultimate goal
is still the same.

Dad, I'm, uh...

I'm glad you changed
your mind about this.

Yeah, me, too.

Thanks for our little talk.

Yeah, my pleasure.

Now, let's see here.

Yep, okay, you got
a hankie in there.

Yep. Terrific.

All right.

Have you got
your, uh, keys? Yup.

You're not going

to be out too late, are you?

Frasier!

Dad, I'm just

busting your chops here.

( doorbell rings)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Will you two relax?

A word to the wise, though...

If she asks you up to
her place after dinner

close the drapes.

Hi, Irene.

Nice to finally meet you.

Oh... ( squeals softly)

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night, everybody!