Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 4 - I Hate Frasier Crane - full transcript

Dad, he's doing it again.
Must this dog stare at me all the time?

I don't know. Eddie, must you?

Apparently, he must.

What is so fascinating about me?
What is it?

What? In your eyes,
is my head a large piece of kibble?

Am I some sott of canine enigma?

Think about it. Get back to me.

Here we go, gents. Dinner's up.

Can I help you
clear off your papers?

No, you better let me.
I need these in a particular order.

What is all this anyway?



Oh, it's an old case of mine
from the police force.

The Weeping Lotus Murder.

Dad, I can't believe you're still
trotting this old thing out.

He's been trying to
solve this case for 20 years now.

Yeah, and I'm not stopping
till I do solve it.

You develop certain instincts
when you're a cop.

And my instinct tells me
that this case can be cracked.

There just must be
one small thing I keep overlooking.

There is. Who the murderer was.

-It's nice you're still so dedicated.
-It's a hobby.

Some guys build a boat
in the garage.

I try to figure out why
a maniac would kill a hooker,

and try to stuff her entire body
into a bowling bag.

It's relaxing.



-Hello, Niles.
-Sorty I'm late, Frasier.

Just as we were leaving,
Maris had a run-in

with a rude directory-assistance
operator and it shattered her calm.

Niles, have you ever considered
that maybe Maris is a bit high-strung?

-Maybe she should see someone?
-She's seen everyone.

Why do you think she was
calling directory assistance?

-Evening, Dr. Crane.
-Hello, Daphne. Nice to see you again.

What an enchanting scent
you're wearing.

Must be the ranch dressing.

-Won't Mrs. Crane be coming?
-No, I'm afraid not.

And please, no more of this
Dr. and Mrs. Crane formality.

To you, it's Niles and...

-Maris.
-Yes, Maris.

-Glad you could join us, Niles.
-Oh, I wouldn't have missed it.

Well, I guess the food's all ready.
Why don't we just go ahead and start.

-Well, enjoy.
-Where are you going?

-I thought I'd have mine in the kitchen.
-Don't be ridiculous.

We can't have you eating by yourself
in the kitchen. I'll join you.

We're all eating right here,
like a family. End of discussion.

Well, isn't this nice.
It feels just like home.

-I'm famished.
-Me too.

You boys still say a prayer
before you eat?

-Oh, almost without exception.
-Yeah, every time we do. Yes.

We thank you, Lord,
for the food we're about to eat.

You have blessed our table
with your bounty.

And thank you, Lord,
for bringing this family together.

And we also thank you for the
other gifts you've bestowed upon us.

And may we always remember
to share with those less fortunate.

-Oh, will you stop staring!
-l wasn't staring.

-Amen.
-Amen.

So, Frasier, did you happen to
read Derek Mann's column today?

-You were mentioned.
-No, I missed it.

Just as well. It wasn't flattering.

-Still I'd like to have seen it anyway.
-Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

If I may ask, who's Derek Mann?

He writes that "Mann About Town"
column for the Times.

Boy, the things that guy comes out with.

Sometimes he's really funny.
What did he say about you?

"I hate Frasier Crane."

Oh, sorry.

-That's it? "l hate Frasier Crane"?
-That's it.

-Don't let it bother you.
-Well, actually, it doesn't, Dad.

I knew by choosing work in the public
eye, I'd be open to certain criticism.

It's the price I pay for my celebrity.

But thank you, Niles,
for bringing me the paper.

And thank you
for highlighting it in yellow.

Now, who would like some wine?

-I'll have some.
-Daphne, this salad is exquisite.

-Now, why would he say that?
-Must be the carrots.

He always did like them.

Not the salad. Derek Mann.

I mean, why would he write
a thing like that?

I've never done anything to him.
This attack is totally unwarranted.

-I'm a healer, for God's sake.
-Oh, for crying out loud.

Well, Dad, I have every right
to be upset about this.

And I will not enjoy my dinner
until this is where it belongs.

In the trash.

There was an article there
I wanted to save.

-On what?
-Nothing.

-Come on, I'm interested.
-Oh, let's drop it.

-Why can't you tell me?
-All right.

It was on Margaret Thatcher's secret
for growing prize-winning zinnias.

Are you happy?

Not really.

All right, Lorraine, now calm down,

and try to listen to what I'm going
to say to you. Will you do that?

-Okay.
-All right. Good girl.

-Now, your problem--
-Oh, my gosh. That's call waiting.

Someone eise is trying to get through.
Do you mind if I take it?

No, no. Go right ahead.

Certainly a very interesting situation

she's got herself in,
don't you think so, Roz?

Yes.

-Okay, I'm back.
-All right, Lorraine.

Now, listen very carefully
to what I'm going to tell you.

-Your problem seems to--
-Oh, I'm sorry. I'll be right back.

For someone who's got so many
problems, she certainly is popular.

Okay, go ahead, Dr. Crane. I'm here.
Oh, I don't believe this. Another call.

All right, now hold it
right there, Lorraine.

The reason you want to take that call
is the same reason that you want to

change your career
and break up with your boyfriend.

You're obsessed with
what you think you're missing.

The better offer,
the "call on the other line."

Well, you've got to take
one call at a time from now on.

Fully explore and experience
each one in its turn,

and you'll be a stronger person for it.

-Do you follow me, Lorraine?
-Okay, I'm back.

Thank you for your call.

Well, we've only got a few
minutes left, so I would like to

end today's program
on a personal note.

As some of you may know,
yesterday I was mentioned

in Derek Mann's
"Mann About Town" column.

He said, and I quote,

"I hate Frasier Crane."

"I hate Frasier Crane."

What trenchant criticism.

Move aside, Voltaire.

Step back into the shadows,
H.L. Mencken,

there's a new kid in town.

One can only wonder
how many hours Derek Mann

sat in the glow of his computer screen
before his trembling fingers

sprang to life
and pecked out this chef-d'oeuvre:

"I hate Frasier Crane."

A lesser critic would've wasted our
time by presenting a well-thought-out,

point-by-point constructive critique
of this show.

But, no, not our Mr. Mann.

So, dear listeners, when Mr. Mann's
column arrives on your doorstep,

read it, enjoy it,
but above all, treasure it.

For one day this man will be joining
the pantheon of the immortals.

And if we're lucky,
it'll be one day soon.

I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

Frasier. How funny
running into you here.

-I'm always here.
-Well, you weren't 20 minutes ago.

-Have you seen today's Times?
-No.

Lucky for you I saved you this copy.
Take a look at Derek Mann's column.

You know, this is the second time in as
many days you've given me a paper.

Have you ever considered
getting yourself a route?

Hello. I don't believe we've met.

Yes, we have, Niles.
Three or four times. Roz Doyle.

Oh, of course. It was at the...

It was during the...

Oh, well, I'm far too successful
to feel awkward. Where did we meet?

The radio station.

I'll take your word for it.
Nice to see you again.

-Mr. Mann heard your program.
-So I see.

"Yesterday afternoon,
Dr. Frasier Crane got on my case

for not giving him a point-by-point
criticism of his radio show.

Well, he asked for it, so here goes."

Oh, my God, his entire column
is about your show.

Not very flattering either.

Toward the end he even attacks your
"dim-witted sidekick call-screener."

That's me.

Oh, now I remember you.

"It's hard to say what to hate most
about Crane's show.

His pompous, sanctimonious style,

his constant self-congratulatory
references to his own life,

of his voice, a mock-sympathetic
tone so sickly sweet

one wonders if the man
graduated from medical school

or from some mind-controlling cult."

-It's continued on 12.
-I've read enough.

-Can I get you folks anything?
-How could he say a thing like that?

It's my job. I'm a waiter.

We don't want anything, thank you.

Listen, Frasier, I know this stinks,
but in a couple of days it'll blow over.

Oh, perhaps you're right.

As angry as it makes me, to retaliate
would be to stoop to his level.

The best response
is no response at all.

Pompous and sanctimonious, am 1?

Well, this Mann character can't
even write grammatical sentences.

Every five words there's another
one of his precious "dot-dot-dots."

Must be because he likes
making all those dots

with the crayon
he writes this drivel with.

Dr. Crane, on line two
we have Stewart

who's having a problem
with delayed gratification.

Well, he's just gonna have to wait.

I don't know who this
Derek Mann thinks he is,

but if he thinks he can hide
behind his newspaper like some

sniveling schoolchild
cowering behind a tree,

then I say let's expose
this Derek Mann for what he is:

Not a man at all, but half a man.

Now what line
did you say Stewart was on?

He hung up.

Well, I'm leaving all sorts of bodies
in my wake today.

Let's see who's on line five.

Hello. This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
I'm listening.

-Good. Because I was listening too.
-And you are?

Derek Mann.

I see.

Look, nobody calls me half a man,
especially some ivy League twit.

So, what do you say
we settle this like men?

Are you implying
that you want to fight me?

-I'm not implying it, I'm saying it.
-Fight as in a fistfight?

No, I thought we might
throw pies at each other.

So are you up to it?
Or aren't you man enough?

We'll be right back
after these messages.

And we're back. We have a surprise
caller on the line, Derek Mann.

So, what's it gonna be, Crane?
You gonna fight me or not?

-Oh, you can't be serious.
-Just like I figured. You're chicken.

No, I just don't think that
civilized people behave that way.

You know, Roz, perhaps our listeners
have an opinion about that subject.

Who do we have on the line?

Well, lines one through eight
are people who think you're chicken.

-You're chicken, Crane. Admit it.
-l am not chicken.

Look, we are mature,
thinking people, not cavemen.

Oh, all right. You wanna fight so bad,
I'll give you a fight.

You just name the time and place.

Kingsley Square, outside your office
by the old statue, noon tomorrow.

Don't back out.

I won't.

And don't you back out either.
I know where your office is too.

And I know where you live.
And I'll track you down.

Now, who else out there
wants a piece of me?

Having a look
at that old murder case again?

Yeah, I dug out
the old crime-scene photos.

Well, don't be a greedy guts.
Let's have a look.

Her name was Helen.

Well, yeah, it was.

You must've seen that on some of
the papers I had laying around here.

No, I just got this feeling
when I touched the picture.

You're putting me on.

-She had a lot of men in her life.
-No kidding. She was a hooker.

No, I mean she had four brothers.

That's amazing.
She did have four brothers.

What else are you getting?

Well, come on. Tell me more.

I can't just turn it on and off
like a faucet.

Give it a try, will you, please?
What else are you getting?

Nothing.

No, wait.

-I see a man.
-Yeah?

A well-dressed man.

-Wearing wingtips and a trench coat.
-Yeah, yeah?

He's getting off an elevator.

He's walking down a long hallway.

She doesn't know he's coming.

-He's opening the door.
-Hello, everyone.

Sometimes I get
my signals crossed.

-What's going on?
-Well, unless you killed a hooker

when you were 12, nothing much.

We heard your show today. I just loved
the way you handled that Derek Mann.

You made your old man proud.

Yeabh, the best part was
when he challenged you to a fight,

and you stood right up to him.

Yes, I did, didn't 1?

Boy, I can't wait to see that.

Well, I'm not actually
gonna go through with it, Dad.

-What are you talking about?
-1 already won our little war of words.

What would I stand to benefit by
actually going through with a fistfight?

Well, Frasier, maybe
I'm misunderstanding something here.

He challenged you,
and you're backing down?

Mature people are supposed to use their
intellect to settle their differences.

A man doesn't just turn tail and run.
That's not the way I brought you up.

-Are you encouraging me to fight?
-Damn right, I am.

You gave the guy your word.

I didn't even know what I was saying.
I hadn't even had lunch yet.

I might have known this would happen.
It's Billy Kriezel all over again.

What did you say?

Something about a
Billy Kriezel, I believe.

I can't believe
you're dredging that up.

-That was 30 years ago.
-Who's this Billy Kriezel?

He was a kid in fifth grade
that used to torment me.

Yeah, so one day Frasier
made fun of Billy's crew cut.

Well, he started it. He made fun
of the elbow patches on my blazer.

Well, the point is they were supposed
to meet for a fight after school,

-only Patches here didn't show up.
-l had a clarinet lesson!

You don't need to remind me of that.
Billy's old man was a cop too.

Boy, the guys rode me about that
excuse of yours for years.

If I didn't go for a drink,
they'd say, "What's the matter?

You got a clarinet lesson?"

Couldn't you have met Billy
after the clarinet lesson?

Daphne, would you
please excuse us for a moment?

Of course.

I have a feeling I'm going to be
excused quite a lot in this house.

Dad, I am sorry if I embarrassed you

for not fighting Billy Kriezel
30 years ago.

-But the situation isn't the same now.
-It's exactly the same.

I am an adult now.

I've been to medical school,
I hold a position in this city.

I do not settle my differences
with brawling.

The man challenged you.
You accepted.

I don't believe this. You won't be happy
until I come home with a black eye.

I just want you to do
what you said you were gonna do.

You know, you can talk about
your medical school,

your intellect, your place in this city,
but you know what?

It's all one big clarinet lesson.

I can't even look at you.

So I step out of the shower,
I look out the window,

and I notice the garbage man
looking right in at me.

So I say, "Did you get a good look?"

And he says,
"Not completely. Turn around."

Then he smiles,
and he's missing a tooth,

and that's when the romance
went right out of it for me.

Roz, why are you
telling me this story?

I am trying to get your mind
off the fact that in five minutes

you're gonna walk out in that square
and get your clock cleaned.

Well, did it ever occur to you
that I might actually win this fight?

Your shoe's untied.

If you fell for that one, you're going
down and you're going down hard.

Well, Frasier, there's
quite a crowd forming out there.

Secretaries with bag lunches,
businessmen, children with balloons.

-All that's missing is a mariachi band.
-They're setting up.

Well, I better go find
a great place in the crowd.

I'll be off to the left, Frasier,
if you tear his ear off,

and want to throw it
to a beautiful sefiorita.

Frasier, as your brother and as
your friend, why are you doing this?

-It's Billy Kriezel.
-Where?

He's not here, Niles. It's just that...

...l ran away from him
when I was 10.

I remember.

You know, and I've been
running ever since.

Well, this is where it stops.

I'm nhot running anymore.

What is it that makes us
Crane boys such targets?

Chalk it up to random violence.

Hey there.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Look, son,
I said a couple of things last night

that maybe went over the line.

Look, Dad, if you're worried
that you talked me into something

that I wasn't ready to do,
you're wrong. You can relax. I...

-I'm doing this for myself.
-Good.

So who told you that I was
going through with it anyway?

Oh, let's just say a father knows
certain things about his son.

Good news. I parked in front of a
broken meter. We're getting a freebie.

Well, good luck, Dr. Crane,
with the fight.

Thank you, Daphne. Any psychic
predictions on the outcome?

Actually, yes. But don't worry,
I'm frequently wrong.

Frasier. Frasier, come here.
There's something I want you to see.

There.

The man to the left of the statue.
I recognize his picture from the paper.

That's Derek Mann.

He's gigantic.

My God, you could
show a movie on his back.

You sure you wanna
go through with this?

-Yes. Yes, I am.
-Good. Now, you'll be fine.

Just remember, this is a street fight,
not a boxing match.

-Fight dirty and throw the first punch.
-First punch.

I've found that a swift knee
to the groin usually does the trick.

If you have any doubts,

check with a fellow in Manchester
named Nigel Travers.

Well, if we want
an unobstructed view--

Look, I'd prefer it
if you guys just stayed here.

-You'll only make me nervous.
-Whatever you want.

Well...

...wish me luck.

-Go get them, champ. Attaboy.
-Go getthem, Dr. C.

They got a mariachi band out there.

Yes. I have to get their card. I need
someone for our summer barbeque.

Oh, look. They're starting to fight.

No, they're just circling.
Sizing each other up.

Come on, Frasier,
if you're gonna hit him, hit him first.

-Is that the police?
-Yes, itis. What are they doing here?

They're breaking it up.
Just when they were getting started.

-Get out of here.
-Get them out of here.

All right, all right,
I'm coming along peacefully.

-Just let me get my jacket.
-Relax, I'm not arresting you.

But I'm warning you, in this town,

we don't settle our differences with
street fights, no matter who you are.

Well, thank you, officer.
You'll have no more trouble from me.

Okay.

Dad. Dad, did you see me?

Look at me. Look, my hands are
trembling. My chest is pounding.

My mouth is all dry.
My knees are like Jell-O. I feel great.

Well, you did good.

Yeah, well, I mean, I was out there.
I was ready to just--

-You saw that? Right? I was ready.
-1 know you were.

-You would have kicked his butt.
-From here to Tacoma.

I say we celebrate. Everyone,
a round of victory lattes on me.

-Thanks, Harry, I owe you one.
-No problem, Marty.

You cut it close. Another minute and
Frasier would've been eating sidewalk.

Give me a break.
I'm missing lunch for this.

You could stand
to miss a few lunches.

Some of the guys are getting together
later down at Duke's for a beer.

-Why don't you come along.
-Yeah, maybe I will.

And you know why I will?

Because the Crane boys
don't take clarinet lessons anymore.

What the hell are you talking about?

Oh, that's right.
You weren't in my precinct.