Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 3 - Dinner at Eight - full transcript

FRASIER: In the
greater Seattle area

the number is 555-KACL.

We've got a number of lines open

so please give us a call.

Now, who's up next, Roz?

We have Pam on line four.

She's having a
problem with her family.

Hello, Pam. This
is Dr. Frasier Crane.

I'm listening.

Hi. It's my in-laws.

It's just that, well...



they drop over all the
time without calling first

and they expect us to
stop what we're doing

and entertain them.

They're your husband's parents.

What does he suggest?

The other day

he had us drop to
the floor and stay quiet

until they drove away.

A creative approach, but
hardly a long-term solution.

I thought about saying something

but I'm afraid I'll
hurt their feelings.

Well, then, you have a choice.

Either you risk
hurting their feelings

or you spend the
rest of your life



diving for cover whenever
they happen to drop on by.

( doorbell rings):
Shh! They're here!

Your... your in-laws?

Shh! Yes.

( whispering): Then why don't
you just take this opportunity...

Oh, for Pete's sake!

( normal voice:) Why don't
you just tell them how you feel?

Okay, okay. I will.
Next time. I promise.

Thanks, Dr. Crane.

Well, as Pam belly-crawls
across her living room

let's take a moment
for this message

from Carpet Fresh.

How's that for a segue?

I just don't think it's
very smart to make

rude gestures at other drivers.

He cut you off.

That doesn't matter.

You do not antagonize a man

whose bumper sticker says

"If you're close
enough to read this

I'll kill you!"

Big talk from a Volvo.

I see you found
yourself a new suit.

Wait till you see it,
Daph. It's a beaut.

Let's have a look.

I can't let you see
it on the hanger.

I'll model it for you.

What a nice son you are

buying your father a new suit.

It didn't work out the
way I'd planned, but, uh...

Daphne, what are you doing?

Fluffing your knickers.

If you don't mind my saying so

you're losing some
of your elasticity.

I appreciate everything
you're doing, Daphne

but a man's knickers
are certainly...

Ooh.

Oh.

How do you get them so soft?

Fabric softener and twice
through the fluff cycle.

Oh. Well, keep up the good work.

( telephone rings)

Hello.

Yes. Oh, hi, Niles.

Well, of course,
you can come by.

Great. I'll see you then.

Hi, Niles.

Good to see you.

Thanks for calling first.

I heard your show today.

I wouldn't dream of
popping by unannounced.

Actually, I was in
the neighborhood

and I've come to beg a favor.

My housekeeper
Mary is a very big fan

of your little radio program.

Is she?

Yes.

Well, what she lacks in
taste, she makes up for

in vigor.

She'd like an autographed photo.

Oh. It will be my pleasure.

Daphne, this is
my brother Niles.

You're Daphne?

Why, yes, I am.

Well, when Frasier told me
he'd hired an Englishwoman

I pictured someone
a little more...

not quite so...

You're Daphne?

It's nice to meet you.

What a lovely accent.

Is that Manchester?

Yes. How did you know?

Oh. I'm quite the Anglophile.

I'm sure Frasier and
Dad have already told you.

No. They didn't mention it.

You undoubtedly guessed as much

when they said I'd spent a
year studying at Cambridge.

No. They didn't
mention that either.

I guess my father and brother

don't spend a lot of
time talking about me

when I'm not around.

I wouldn't say that.

Niles, here's your picture.

Do you mind?!

"Mary, here's wishing
you good mental health.

Frasier Crane."

Fits like a glove.

Hi, Niles.

Hey, Dad...

Wow.

How do I look?

Wow.

Dr. Crane took
your father shopping

to Armani this afternoon.

You got that at Armani?

Just like I told you, Frasier.

He can't tell the difference.

Well, we were on
our way to Armani

when Dad spotted this

in the window of a
discount clothing store.

It's sharkskin.

Look at the way it changes color

when I move my arm.

You're going to be
the handsomest gent

at your friend's
retirement party.

Now, come on. Let's
go and hang it up

before it gets wrinkled.

Oh, it's supposed
to resist wrinkles.

They had one in
the display window

wadded up inside
a mayonnaise jar.

Frasier, is he our real father?

Now, don't start that again.

We've been having
this discussion

since we were children.

But that suit.

Well, it's not just the suit.

It's... it's his taste
in everything...

Clothing, films, music.

Outside of our last name

and abnormally
well-developed calf muscles

we have nothing in
common with the man.

Thank goodness,
we took after Mom.

So how come he didn't acquire
any of her sophistication?

Maybe he was too
busy working his tail off

so that we could
have the nicer things.

Maybe it's time we tried

to pay him back in some way...

Expose him to some
of the finer things...

So that he'd stop
lumbering through life

like some great
polyester dinosaur.

I don't know. Dad's
so set in his ways.

We all are, at some
point in our lives.

Remember when you used
to think that the 1812 Overture

was a great piece
of classical music?

Was I ever that young?

No, you and I have to
broaden Dad's horizons...

Show him the world

that he's only read
about in TV Guide.

How about an
evening of fine dining?

Perfect. But where?

Le Cigare Volant!
Le Cigare Volant!

Oh.

Can we really get in?

I've been trying for months.

Oh, please, Niles.

You're forgetting the cachet

my name carries in this town.

Actually, I'm not.

If the maitre d' happens to be

a housewife, we're in.

Niles, you are so mean.

I'll just call information.

Oh, no need.

I have it on speed dial.

Oh, thank you.

Hello. This is
Dr. Frasier Crane.

Yes. The one on the radio.

Say, any chance

of getting a table for four on
Saturday, at say 8:00? Hmm?

Merci. A bientot!

We're in!

Niles, can I get you a
beer? Some pork rinds?

No, thanks.

Uh, Dad, Niles and I and Maris

would like you to
join us for dinner

on Saturday night
at Le Cigare Volant.

It's one of the hottest
new restaurants in town.

Aw, gee. I don't know.

The food is to die for.

Niles, your country and
your family are to die for.

Food is to eat.

Look, I appreciate the offer

but I wouldn't like it.

Dad, how do you
know if you don't try it?

Well, I didn't have to get
shot in the hip with a .38

to know I wouldn't like that.

Dad, it will give us a chance

to have an evening
all together as a family.

Niles and I really
want to do this for you.

Oh, all right.

Oh! We're going to
have the best time.

Yeah. Give me a chance to
wear my new suit again, too.

And won't that be nice?

FRASIER: So how
do the calls look today?

Well, we got a
couple of jilted lovers

a man who's afraid of his car

a manic-depressive

and three people who feel

their lives are going nowhere.

Oh, I love a Monday.

So, how was your weekend?

I had the most
hellacious date of my life.

First, he asked me to
pick him up from work.

Then I stop for gas.

I have to pump it myself

while he just sits there
reading the sports section.

So I take him back to my place

to make him my famous
sweet and sour shrimp.

I'm in the middle of cooking...

I ask him to hand
me the honey...

And he gets this
freaked-out look on his face

and says he can't because
he has a deathly fear

of touching anything sticky.

I told him it was a new jar

but he didn't want
to take any risks.

Where do you meet these people?

I answered his ad.

You got 30 seconds.

You better get in there.

Not yet.

Roz, are you ready?

Don't make me do this.

Come on. We do
this every Monday.

You do this every
Monday. I play along.

Come on!

Who's got

the best talk show in Seattle?

We do! We do!

All right!

( sighing)

Well

aren't you a bobby dazzler?

I'll go out on a limb, and
take that as a compliment.

Where are you off to?

I'm going to poker night.

I wouldn't have pegged
you as a card player.

( doorbell rings)

it's mostly social.

Me and the girls just
bumping the gums.

No one ever loses
more than $500 or $600.

Hi, Niles.

Hello.

Where's Maris?

Are you two taking
separate elevators again?

No. I'm afraid Maris is
having one of her episodes.

In the middle of
dressing for the evening

she suddenly slumped
down on the edge of the bed

in her half-slip, and sighed.

Of course, I knew then and
there that dinner was not to be.

I'm sorry.

Yes. Well, I'll just have

to make the best of it.

Hi-ho, Daphne. You're looking

luminous this evening.

Why, thank you, Dr. Crane.

What's in the bag?

Just a little treat I
picked up for Dad.

Some Devonshire clotted cream.

For Dad?

I love Devonshire clotted cream.

Isn't that lucky?

You two can share it.

I'll just go pop
this in the fridge.

Sherry, Niles?

Thank you.

I'm having a thought, Frasier.

Since Maris has
sadly dropped out

and we do have an extra space

perhaps we should invite
Daphne to join us for the evening.

I mean, it is a
table for four, and...

and three is such
an awkward number

you know, at a dinner.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Noth...

Oh, for goodness' sake, Frasier.

I'm a happily married man.

Maris means the world to me.

Why, just the other
day, I kissed her

for no reason whatsoever.

Well, I'm off to my poker game.

It was nice seeing
you again, Dr. Crane.

Oh, wait a minute.

I'm getting something on you.

She's psychic.

We've decided
to find it charming.

You have occasional
bouts of colitis, don't you?

Yes.

Frasier, she's phenomenal.

It's a gift.

Well, cheerio.

Ta-ta.

Niles, you've never had colitis

a day in your life.

I know, but I couldn't
bear to disappoint her.

Okay! I'm ready to go.

Uh, uh, Dad, what's
happened to your suit?

It's at the cleaner's.

I got some creamed chicken on it

at Phil's retirement
dinner last night.

You can't keep anything nice.

I'm sure Le Cigare
Volant has a dress code.

Niles, may I borrow your phone?

Thank you so much.

Where's Maris?

Episode.

Oh.

Yes. Hello. This is
Dr. Frasier Crane.

I have a reservation tonight

and I'm calling to inquire

about your minimum dress code.

Crane... Frasier... Doctor.

What do you mean?

We've had the
reservation for over a week.

They've lost our reservation.

Give me that.

Listen, this is Dr. Niles Crane.

I've never been treated
so shabbily in my entire life

and I've a good mind
to come over there

and create an
embarrassing scene.

Niles, they've already hung up.

Huh. Thank God.

Well, what now, Frasier?

It's Saturday night,
quarter to 8:00.

We're not going
to get in anywhere.

Hey, I know.

Why don't I take us
all to the Timber Mill?

The Timber Mill?

Oh, it's great!

You can get a steak
this thick for $8.95.

Honestly, Dad, it
doesn't sound like

the kind of
restaurant we'd like.

Well, I was willing to go

to your place.

Dad, I think we'd better
just take a rain check.

Oh, gee. I was looking forward

to spending an
evening with you boys.

We can do it some other time.

I'm sure Daphne's got
something in the fridge

I can heat up.

You know, on second thought

I'm really in the
mood for a good steak.

NILES: What?

Yes. The point
of the whole thing

is not exactly where
we have dinner

but that the three of us

have an evening
together as a family, right?

You won't be sorry.

They got five different toppings

for your baked potato.

Oh, did you hear that, Niles?

I'm sold.

We'll bring you a bone, Eddie.

He's ecstatic.

MARTIN: Quite a place, huh?

Used to be a real
working sawmill.

Until somebody
stated the obvious

and said, "Hey,
let's turn this place

into a restaurant!"

I just walk in here, and
my mouth starts watering.

There's nothing like the
smell of charbroiled meat.

This aroma is triggering
a sense memory

of something familiar, yet...

Oh, of course.

It's Maris and her
home-tanning bed.

Hi. Welcome to the Timber Mill.

You don't have a
table for three, do you?

Sure. Right this way.

Is this your first visit
to the Timber Mill?

Yes.

Well, we've got a dress code.

Well, couldn't you make
an exception in this case?

His suit was at the cleaners.

Not him. You.

Timber!

( bell rings)

My tie!

She... she cut off my tie!

Gotcha! Isn't that great?

Why did she cut off my tie?

They've been doing it for years.

They like to keep
the place casual.

Dad, you could have
mentioned that to us.

What? And spoil the fun?

Aw, cheer up.

You get a free dessert.

Oh, boy.

Well, I guess you're right, Dad.

It is just a tie.

A Hugo Boss tie.

Hi. Can I get you guys
something from the bar?

Oh, dear God, yes.

I'll have a Stoli Gibson

on the rocks, with
three pearl onions.

If you bring him two...

If you bring him four...
He'll send it back.

And for you?

The same.

I'll have a Ballantine.

Say, a funny thing
happened the other day.

One of my patients

had a rather
amusing Freudian slip.

He was having
dinner with his wife

and he meant to
say, "Pass the salt."

But, instead, he said,
"You've ruined my life

you blood-sucking shrew!"

I'll bet she didn't like that.

Uh, no. No, Dad. She didn't.

Say, how was your buddy's
retirement party last night?

Ah, it was great.

You know, I really
miss those guys.

Bad news, though.

Remember Moe Hanson

the desk captain
at my old precinct?

Killed in a boating accident.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah. Well, at
least he went quick.

Hank Krinski, boy,
he had three bypasses

before he went.

Jimmy Berman, he
had this weird disease.

I went to visit
him in the hospital.

By the time he died

his skin was all yellow.

Just wasted away to nothing.

Nice nurse, though.

Betty, I think her name was.

I see we have a couple
of first-timers here.

Let me tell you how it works.

Every entree comes with soup

or a trip to the salad bar.

One trip only, please.

Also included is our
famous garlic cheese bread.

Now, if you're ready,
you can claim your steaks.

Claim our steaks?

You get to pick the cut you want

off the beef trolley.

How much extra
would I have to pay

to get one from
the refrigerator?

Would you just pick your steak?

I'd like a petite filet
mignon, very lean.

Not so lean that it lacks flavor

but not so fat that it leaves
drippings on the plate.

And I don't want it cooked...

Just lightly seared
on either side

pink in the middle...

Not true pink, but
not a mauve, either...

Something in-between...
Bearing in mind

the slightest error
either way and it's ruined.

Okay.

How about you?

Could I see the
other side of that one?

Just bring us those three,
medium rare, all the fixings.

Hey, come on.

There's a lull at the salad bar.

Isn't this great?

They have the best Thousand
Island dressing in town.

I know, Dad.

I saw the plaque
by the cash register.

Here we go. Three Paul
Bunyans, medium rare.

We've barely touched our salads.

Great service, huh?

Yes. With any luck

we should be completing
our dining experience

in less than 20 minutes.

If you're not ready

I could put this
under the heat lamp.

No. That won't be
necessary, young lady.

I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

All right. Let me know

if I can get you anything else.

Yes. Thank you.

You know, I don't mind you
guys being tough on this place

but you could be a little
nicer to the waitress.

You're right.

I'll apologize when she
comes with the dessert

which should be anytime now.

Sometimes, there's
nothing like a good steak.

Oh, I wish this was
one of those times.

What's wrong?

Well, I don't mean
to complain, but...

Well, then, don't.

For your information

these steaks come
from prize beef raised in...

What the hell are you doing?

Something seems to
have fallen in my potatoes.

Those are bacon bits.

But I didn't ask for them.

I ordered all the fixings.

You got all the fixings.

But I don't eat bacon
because of the nitrates.

No problem. They're artificial.

They're made out of soy.

They really look out
for your health here

don't they?

Everybody in this restaurant
is enjoying the dinner.

Can't you guys do the same?

FRASIER: Niles?

Mm-hmm?

Is Maris organizing the...

arts council benefit
again this year?

As a matter of fact, she is.

Where are they holding it?

They haven't picked a spot yet.

Perhaps I should tell
them about this place.

I'd like to be

a fly on the wall that night.

You wouldn't be the only one.

MARTIN: All right.

That's it.

I've had enough of
you two jackasses.

I've spent the whole
night listening to you

making cracks about
the food and the help.

Well, I got news for you.

People like this place.

I like this place.

And when you
insult this restaurant

you insult me.

You know, I used to think

you two took
after your mother...

Liking the ballet
and all that...

But your mother liked
a good ball game, too.

She even had a hot
dog once in a while.

She may have had fancy
taste, but she had too much class

to ever make me or
anybody else feel second-rate.

If she saw the way
you two behaved tonight

she'd be ashamed.

I know I am.

Dad, wait.

No, I'm going over to
Duke's for a nightcap.

At least let us take you there.

I'll take a cab!

I've had enough of
you two for one night.

Leave the waitress a good tip.

She deserves it.

Niles, say something.

Dad, wait.

The mud pie is coming.

( derisively): The
mud pie is coming.

I feel terrible.

So do I.

The sad thing is,
he's right about us.

Have we really
become such snobs?

You don't see anybody
else driving their father

out into the street
to drink, do you?

Niles, we've got to
apologize to Dad.

You're right.

We'll give him a
couple of few hours

to cool down over at Duke's.

And then, when he gets home

we'll settle this thing.

Absolutely.

We've been just horrid.

Frasier, do you think
we've actually lost

the ability to appreciate
the simple things...

Steak, potatoes, fixings?

I'm afraid so.

But, you know, the thing
is, this is... this is good food.

I mean, it's not too fancy

but it's... it's good,
wholesome American fare.

You know, Frasier,
as a tribute to Dad

I think we should sit here

until we have
cleaned our plates.

Well, I'm game if you are.

We're going to prove
that we are not snobs.

Absolutely.

Frasier

look who's here.

Eat your food.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Quite stylish ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Frasier has left the building.