Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 2 - Space Quest - full transcript

( yawning)

Oh! Good morning, Dr. Crane.

Not a morning person, are we?

Well, never you mind. I am.

Can't very well be a
good health-care provider

if you're not up with the cock.

I've already taken your father

for his morning constitutional.

Such a remarkable man.

30 Years on the police force.

I can understand why
you'd want him to live here.



Although not many
sons would do that...

Not without getting paid for it.

Anyway, coffee's made

and I took the liberty
of doing a shop.

They don't serve much
tripe in Seattle, do they?

And you are?

Daphne.

Daphne Moon.

I moved in yesterday.

You hired me to take
care of your father.

Of course, of course.

You'll have to forgive me.

I'm not quite myself until
I've shaved and showered.

Oh, yes.



I completely understand
about one's morning ablutions.

I, for instance, just
can't stand meself

before I floss all that
gunk out of me teeth.

Miss Moon...

for future reference

if you could just
keep your "ablutions"

on a need-to-know basis.

Thank you.

Now my coffee.

The half-and-half's curdled

and the garbage
disposal's jammed.

Oh, good morning
to you, too, Dad.

Morning was two hours ago.

And close that barn door.

We got a lady in the house now.

Hey, this isn't my coffee.

Where's my finely-ground
Kenya blend from Starbucks?

That's it.

Daphne put an eggshell
and some allspice in it.

And didn't that
just dress it up.

I like it.

Gives it a zing.

Now, come on, sit down.

Your breakfast is ready.

Oh, no, Dad.

Dad, look, all I ever have

is a bran muffin and
a touch of yogurt.

Ah, girlie food.

Besides, I already
fixed your breakfast.

Now, I made you eggs in a nest.

Ah, yes.

The Crane family specialty...

Fried eggs swimming in fat

served in a delightfully
hollowed-out piece of bread.

I can almost hear

my left ventricle
slamming shut as I speak.

You want cheese on that?

No. I'd like to leave
some blood flow

for the clot to go
swiftly to my brain.

Can't have my coffee.

Can't have my breakfast.

Oh, dear God, it wasn't a dream.

I'll get him for this...

and his little dog, too.

Where is my paper?!

Who stole my paper?!

Mrs. Everly, you old
bat, I know it's you!

DAPHNE: Yoo-hoo!

It's right here.

We brought it in for you.

Oh.

Sorry! Sorry!

Now, wait a minute.

This... Where's the rubber band?

This paper has been read.

Well, don't worry.

We won't tell you what's in it.

That is not the point.

Dad...

Dad...

Come and sit down,
please, will you?

DAPHNE: You're going

to give a speech, aren't you?

Oh, that's right, I forgot.

You're psychic.

Yes, but I think

anyone could feel
this one coming on.

Let us get something clear...

I am not a morning person.

I have to ease
into my day slowly.

First, I have my coffee

sans eggshells

or anything else one tends
to pick out of the garbage.

Then, I have a low-fat,
high-fiber breakfast.

Finally, I sit down

and read a crisp, new newspaper.

If I am robbed

of the richness of
my morning routine

I cannot function.

My radio show suffers

and, like ripples in a pond

so do the many listeners
that rely on my advice

to help them through
their troubled lives.

I'm sorry if this
may sound priggish

but I have grown comfortable
with this part of myself.

It is the magic that is me.

Get used to it.

I know this is a stressful time

and this is new for all of us

but I'm sure that soon

we'll all be getting
along swimmingly.

Ooh, six more
weeks of winter I see.

Oh, dear God!

Down, Eddie, down.

I said "down."

Good boy, Eddie, just get down.

Good, good, good, Eddie.

Eddie, get down.

Get down!

Dad, Dad...

I can't read my paper.

Eddie's staring at me!

Well, you do make quite
a picture in the morning.

Just ignore him.

I'm trying to.

I'm talking to the dog.

Oh!

Don't even think about it!

You're listening to
Dr. Frasier Crane.

Our topic today is intrusion.

Those who encroach on
our sense of personal space.

The neighbor who
plays his stereo too loud...

The person who sits next to you

in the movie theater

when there are 50
other vacant seats.

Now let's return to our calls

and let me remind you once more

that our topic
today is intrusion

since so many of you
seem to be forgetting that.

Dr. Crane, we have Leonard
from Everett on line two.

Hello, Leonard.

I'm listening.

Oh, hi, Dr. Crane.

Uh... I'm a little
nervous, but, uh...

well, here it goes.

Um, several years ago

I became afraid of
large, open spaces.

Like, if I went to the mall,
I'd break out in a cold sweat.

I'd get so scared that
I'd have to run home.

Yes, Leonard, and your
comments on intrusion?

Nothing.

It's just that now I'm
afraid to go outside at all.

I haven't seen another
person in eight months.

Well, Leonard, it
sounds like you may have

a very serious condition
known as agoraphobia.

But you're not alone.

But I am alone, Dr. Crane.

Listen, Leonard, I'm afraid
your problem is too difficult

to deal with in the
time we have remaining.

So, if you'll just
stay on the line

someone will give you the
name of a qualified therapist.

Well, that's all the
time we have for today.

You've been listening
to Dr. Frasier Crane.

KACL 780.

Stay tuned for the news.

Then next up

Bob "Bulldog" Brisco and
the Gonzo Sports Show.

I never miss it.

Yeah, right.

You want your messages?

Oh, listen, Roz,
just hang on to them.

I think I'll stay in
here for a while.

Today, more than most

I feel an overwhelming
need for solitude.

I've got a fascinating book here

a comfortable chair
and a soundproof booth.

( clattering)

Hi, ya, doc.

How they hanging?

Bulldog, what are
you doing here?

We lost transmitter
link power in Studio C.

I got to do my show from here.

( blowing whistle)

Hey...

where in the hell
is my Cosell tape?

Somebody stole my Cosell tape!

This stinks!

This is total BS!

This... oh, here it is.

Let me just get out of your way.

Oh, by the way, Doc...

Doc, I heard what you said

to that kid who fantasizes
about killing his parents.

You know what I
would have told him?

Sports.

You go out there,
break some heads.

That will turn him around.

Yes. If only Jeffrey Dahmer
had picked up a squash racket.

Hey, where the hell's
my Lasorda tape?

This is total...!

Ah, got it.

Uh-uh... hold on a sec.

I have to ask you something.

Gary? I broke up with
him three weeks ago.

The sex was okay, but
he was kind of limited.

Maybe I should just...

No, no.

It wasn't that Gary
was bad in bed.

I mean, he knew
where all the parts were.

Unfortunately, most
of them were his.

Yes, totally passionless.

It was like he was
thinking of someone else.

I know I was.

Somebody's here.

I got to go.

All right, I'll
talk to you later.

Bye, Mom.

That was your mother?

Yeah. Why?

You talk to your
mother like that?

Well, we're both adults.

We talk about everything.

Well, isn't that healthy.

What? You don't talk
to your dad like that?

Oh, hardly.

We hardly speak at all.

Really?

Yes, well, you know, we're
not really very similar people.

In fact...

my brother and I are a
lot more like my mother.

You know, if it wasn't
biologically impossible

I'd swear that Dad was dropped
in a basket on our doorstep.

Hey, sweetcakes,
you seen my engineer?

I think someone's
talking to you, Frasier.

Come on, come on, come on!

Yes, he called

and he'll be right here.

So, do you want to
go across the street

and have one of those
expensive coffee drinks?

Maybe some other time.

Right now I'd like to
continue my quest for solitude.

To go someplace where
my father, Mary Poppins

and the hound from
hell can't find me.

I think maybe I'll just go

sit under the shade of a tree

and read in a quiet park.

( thunder roaring)

Hello!

Hello?

Dad?

Daphne?

Eddie?

Could it be?

( chuckling)

( humming Bizet's
"Toreador Song")

♪ Toreador ♪

♪ Don't spit on the floor-a ♪

♪ Use the cuspidor-a ♪

♪ What do you
think it's for-a? ♪

( sighs)

( keys rattling, door opening)

( laughing)

So the elephant says

"He's with me."

( both laugh)

DAPHNE: Oh,
Dr. Crane, you're home.

We just got back from your
father's physical therapy.

Oh, glory be.

Oh, happy day.

Not that I'm not delighted
to see the two of you

it's just that I'm in the middle
of a very exciting chapter.

Oh, I understand.

So, why don't I
pop into the kitchen

and brew you up
a nice pot of tea.

No. I've just poured myself

a glass of wine. Thank you.

I see.

What are you reading?

Oh, Dad, you wouldn't
find it very interesting.

I might. Any good?

Well, I haven't
formed an opinion yet.

Oddly enough, I'm having
a little trouble getting into it.

Thick.

Dad, will you...

listen, I don't want
to offend, but...

if you wouldn't
mind, could you just...

leave me alone and
let me read my book?

No problem.

( thunder roars)

( rain pouring)

What are you doing?

I'm leaving you alone.

Well, it's very annoying!

Oh... what's your problem?

You've been sucking
a lemon all week.

All right, all right,
I'll tell you problem is

I can't get a moment's
peace in my own house.

Well, forgive me!

When you invited me to move in

I didn't realize

I had to stay chained to
the radiator in my room.

Perhaps only evenings.

I heard that.

Well, of course you heard it!

You're never out of earshot!

Ah, you know, you've
always been like this.

You were always
a fussy little kid

and it's gotten
worse ever since.

You and your precious
morning routine.

You got to have your coffee.

You got to have your quiet.

You got to have this,
you got to have that.

Well, aren't you the
little hothouse orchid!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I don't have to sit
here and listen to that!

If you want
everything so perfect

why don't you go
live in a bubble?

Oh, well, all right.

Right now it
sounds very inviting.

Finally a little peace
and quiet around here.

( people talking quietly)

Hello, there, Frasier.

Oh, what fresh hell is this?

Well, that's a nice way
to greet your brother.

Caffe latte, per piacere.

I'm sorry, Niles

it's just that I've been
trying to read this book.

And it seems no matter
where I light, I get interrupted.

Oh, The Holotropic
Mind by Stanislav Grof.

I love his conclusion that a
change in breathing patterns

can induce alternate
states of consciousness.

Great. Now you've
ruined the ending!

I'm sorry.

That was inconsiderate.

Mille grazie.

So, how's Father?

Father? You mean the
man who's driving me crazy.

The man who makes me dread
the sight of my very doorstep.

The man who just drove
me out of my own home.

And how's work?

Niles, I don't know
what I'm going to do.

Dad and I had another fight.

See, I'm afraid if we stay
under the same roof together

we'll do irreparable harm

to the relationship
we have as it is.

Well, what are the alternatives?

Well, if I didn't feel so guilty

I'd... I'd do what I should
have done in the first place:

just move Dad and Daphne
into their own apartment.

Oh, for goodness sake,
Frasier, it hasn't been that long.

You have to give it a chance.

And you might remember why
you moved him in in the first place.

Refresh me.

You wanted to get closer to Dad.

I still do.

There isn't
anything I'd like more

but he makes it impossible.

I can't read my book.

I can't have my coffee.

I can't have any
peace in my own home.

So, what you're saying is,
you want to be closer to Dad

but you don't actually
want him around.

Ask yourself, Frasier,
have you tried to sit down

and talk to him?

I mean, really talk to him?

Well, I...

Maybe I haven't done my best.

I guess I owe that to
the old man, don't I?

Well, uh...

Thanks for the chat, Niles.

You're a good brother

and a credit to the
psychiatric profession.

You're a good brother, too.

( door opening)

FRASIER: Daphne!

What are my things doing here?

My leather wing
chair, my Tisami lamp?

We're putting them in the
storage room in the basement.

There was no room
for them in your study

once we got my furniture in.

We discussed it
last night, remember?

Of course, of course.

I was just on my way

to ask that peculiar little
man from building services

to give me a hand moving them.

Oh, yes. Kyle.

Well, give him my regards.

Oh, yeah, remind me again...

Which one of Kyle's eyes
is really looking at me?

The brown one.

Daphne left your dinner in
the fridge, if you're hungry.

Thanks, but
I'm... I'm not. Uh...

Dad...

Listen, I'm sorry about,
uh, the blowup earlier.

Ah, forget about it.

I already have.

You know, I guess it's no secret

that there's been a lot
of tension between us.

And I think maybe
one of the reasons is

that we never have a
chance to sit down and talk

and I... I thought we
might have a conversation.

Right now?

Yes, I think now
would be a good time.

Later would be better.

It doesn't have to be a
long, drawn-out conversation.

I'm talking about three
minutes of your life.

Well, I hope it only
is three minutes

'cause my program's coming on.

Well, if it will make
you any happier

I'll get the egg timer

and I will set it
for three minutes.

So, what do you
want to talk about?

Well, the idea is for us to have

a normal, honest conversation
just like two normal people

without getting on
each other's nerves.

All right, ready...

Go.

This is stupid.

One second?

That's our personal best?

Let us see if we can beat it.

Ready?

Go.

( clock ticking)

So, how about those Seahawks?

No sports.

All right, no opera.

Agreed.

Ready?

Go.

This is your idea.

You say something first.

All right. All right.

I'll-I'll tell you
something about myself

that, uh, you don't know.

Uh, six months ago

when Lilith and I
were really on the rocks

uh... there was a time of
depression I went through

that was so
terrible, I actually...

climbed out on a ledge

and wondered if
life was worth living.

And... then I...

I thought of Frederick.

And you didn't jump, huh?

Good, Dad.

Wow, I never knew that.

That's the point of
this whole experiment...

To... to tell one another

something that we don't
know about each other...

Something vulnerable.

Now it's your turn.

Okay.

Well, about two months ago

I was in the basement

going through some old pictures

of your mother and me

and all of a sudden
something flew up in my eye.

And when I was
trying to get it out

I realized that I could
turn my eyelid inside out

the way kids do at camp.

That's it?

You call that vulnerable?

It hurt!

I'm not talking about
that kind of pain!

I'm talking about your
emotions, your soul!

Some sort of painful,
gut-wrenching experience!

Other than this one?

Oh, God... always a flip answer.

Well, this whole thing's stupid.

Well, not to me.

Oh, how should I expect
anything out of you?

You are the most cold,
intractable, unapproachable

distant, stubborn, cold
man I've ever known.

You said "cold"
twice, Mr. Egghead.

Egghead! Egghead!

You said "egghead" twice, too!

Oh, you are so infuriating!

Well, you're no day
at the beach, either.

You know what you are?

( timer dings)

I'll tell you later.

It's time for my program.

Dad, I don't think you
see how serious this is.

Oh, will you give it a rest?

Look, we're not getting along

and it's not getting any better.

I'm not sure how
to say this, but, uh...

I, uh...

I'm afraid I'm
going to have to...

I know what
you're trying to say.

You want what's
best for both of us.

You want to get me out of here

then you can have your own space

and I'll have my own space

and we can put an
end to all this bickering.

Well, yes.

I guess it wasn't so
hard to say, after all.

Except for one thing.

I'm not going.

What?

Look, you want us to forge

some great father-son
relationship...

to make some connection.

Well, that kind of thing
takes a couple of years

not a couple of
days, doesn't it?

You're the shrink.

A couple of years, huh?

Ah, it'll go by
before you know it.

Either that, or it will
seem like eternity.

I'm willing to give
it a shot if you are.

Okay.

Great.

How about you and me
having a beer together?

Wow.

You know, in all these years

you've never asked me that.

I'd love to have a
beer with you, Dad.

Well, then, you better haul ass

'cause the store
closes in ten minutes.

Right.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night!