Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Good Son - full transcript

Listen to yourself, Bob.

You follow her to work.

You eavesdrop on her calls.

You open her mail.

The minute you started
doing these things

the relationship was over.

Thank you for your call.

Roz, I think we have
time for one more.

Yes, Dr. Crane.

On line four, we have
Russell from Kirkland.

Hello, Russell.



This is Dr. Frasier Crane.

I'm listening.

Well, I've been feeling sort
of, you know, depressed lately.

My life's not going anywhere.

It's not that bad.

It's just the same old apartment

the same old job...

Russell, we're just about
at the end of our hour.

Let me see if I can
cut to the chase

by using myself as an example.

Six months ago, I
was living in Boston.

My wife had left me,
which was very painful.

Then she came back to
me, which was excruciating.

On top of that



my practice had grown stagnant

and my social
life consisted of...

well, hanging around
a bar night after night.

You see, I was
clinging to a life

that wasn't working anymore

and I knew I had to do
something... anything...

So I ended the marriage once
and for all, packed up my things

and moved back here to
my hometown of Seattle.

Go, Seahawks!

I took action, Russell,
and you can, too.

Move, change, do something.

If it's a mistake,
do something else.

Will you do that, Russell?

Will you?

Russell?

I think we lost him.

No, we cut to the
news 30 seconds ago.

For crying out loud!

I finally bare my
soul to all of Seattle

and they're listening

to Chopper Dave's
Rush Hour Roundup.

Well, the rest of the
show was pretty good.

It was a good show, wasn't it?

Here. Your brother called.

Roz, in the trade we
call that avoidance.

Tell me what you think.

Did I ever tell you what
this little button does?

I am not a piece of Lalique.

I can handle criticism.

How was I today?

Let's see.

You dropped two commercials

you left a total of 28
seconds of dead air

you scrambled the
station's call letters

you spilled yogurt

on the control board, and
you kept referring to Jerry

with the identity
crisis as Jeff.

You say my brother called?

Mm-hmm.

So I said to the
gardener, "Yoshi

"I do not want a Zen
garden in my backyard.

"If I want to rake
gravel every ten minutes

"to maintain my inner harmony

I'll move to Yokohama."

This offends him, so he starts

pulling up Maris' prized
camellias by the handful

Well, I couldn't stand for that

so I marched right
into the morning room

and locked the door

until he cooled down.

Tell me you would have
handled it differently. Frasier.

Oh, I'm sorry, Niles.

I didn't realize you'd
stopped talking.

You haven't heard a word I said.

Oh, Niles, you're
a psychiatrist.

You know what it's like

to listen to people
prattling on endlessly

about their mundane lives.

Touche. And, on that subject,
I heard your show today.

And?

You know what I think
about pop psychiatry.

Yes, I know what you
think about everything.

When was the last time you
had an unexpressed thought?

I'm having one now.

You guys ready?

Two cafe latte supremos.

No, thank you.

So, Frasier, how are
you doing on your own?

I'm fine.

I love my new life.

I love the solitude.

I miss Frederick like
the dickens, of course.

He's quite a boy.

He's playing goalie on the
peewee soccer team now.

Chip off the old block.

You hated sports.

So does he.

The fresh air is good for him.

This has been
fun, Frasier, but...

we have a problem

and that's why I
thought we should talk.

Is it Dad?

Afraid so. One
of his old buddies

from the police force
called this morning.

He went over to see him and
found him on the bathroom floor.

Oh, my God.

It's okay. He's fine.

What... his hip again?

Frasier, I don't think he
can live alone anymore.

What can we do?

Well, I know this isn't going

to be anyone's favorite solution

but I took the liberty

of checking out a few
convalescent homes for him.

Niles, a home? He's
still a young man.

Well, you certainly
can't take care of him.

You're just getting
your new life together.

Absolutely. Well, besides,
we were never simpatico.

Of course, I can't
take care of him.

Yes, yes, of course,
of course. Why?

Because dad doesn't
get along with Maris.

Who does?

I thought you liked my Maris.

I do.

I like her from a distance.

You know, the way
you like the sun.

Maris is like the sun...

except without the warmth.

Well, then, we're agreed
about what to do with Dad.

"Golden Acres... We
care so you don't have to."

It says that?

Well

it might as well.

All right, I'll make up
the spare bedroom.

You're a good son, Frasier.

Oh, God, I am, aren't I?

Two cafe supremos.

Anything to eat?

No. I seem to have
lost my appetite.

I'll have a large
piece of cheesecake.

( playing classical music)

( doorbell chimes)

Hi!

We finally made it.

Ah, Dad, Dad...

welcome to your new home.

You look great.

Don't BS Me.

I do not look great.

I spent Monday on
the bathroom floor.

You can still see the
tile marks on my face.

Gives you some idea

about the ride over in the car.

Well, here we are.

Rest assured, the
refrigerator is stocked

with your favorite
beer... Ballantine...

And we've got plenty
of hot links and coleslaw.

And I just rented a Charles
Bronson movie for later.

Let's cut the
welcome-to-Camp-Crane speech.

We all know why I'm here.

Your old man can't be
left alone for ten minutes

without falling on his ass,
and Frasier got stuck with me.

Isn't that right?

No. No.

I want you here.

It will give us a chance
to get reacquainted.

That implies we were
acquainted at one point.

( dry chuckling)

Well...

listen, why don't I
take Dad's things

into his new bachelor quarters

so you two scoundrels
can plan some high jinks?

I think that wife of his
is driving him nutso.

Yes, we Crane boys...

sure know how to marry them.

Let me get you a beer, Dad.

So, what do you think of what
I've done with the place, huh?

Every item here was
carefully selected...

This lamp by Corbu,
the chair by Eames

and this couch
is an exact replica

of the one Coco Chanel
had in her Paris atelier.

Nothing matches.

It's a style of decorating.

It's called "eclectic."

Well, the theory behind it is

if you've got really
fine pieces of furniture

it doesn't matter if they
match... they will go together.

It's your money.

( doorbell chimes)

Dad, what do you
think of that view?

That's the Space Needle there.

Thanks for pointing that out.

Being born and raised here,
I never would have known.

Delivery for Martin Crane.

Oh, in here.

Coming through.

Excuse me. Excuse
me. Wait a minute.

Where do you want it?

Where's the TV?

It's in that credenza.

Point it at that thing.

What about this chair?

The chair? Here. Let
me get it out of your way.

Niles, Niles! Be
careful with that.

That's a Wassily!

Dad, as dear as I'm
sure this piece is to you

I just don't think it
goes with anything here.

I know.

It's eclectic.

Niles... Niles, will
you help me out here?

You'll have to run an
extension cord over here

so I can plug in

the vibrating part.

Yes, yes. That will
be the crowning touch.

Well, now that you two
are settled in, I've got to run.

I'm late for my
dysfunctional family seminar.

Dad, have you
mentioned Eddie yet?

Eddie?

Ta-ta.

Oh, no, Dad, no, not Eddie.

But he's my best friend.

Get me my beer, will you?

But he's weird.

Gives me the creeps.

All he does is stare at me.

Aw, it's just your imagination.

No, Dad, no. I'm sorry, but
I am putting my foot down.

Eddie is not moving in here.

S, there you are.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Just as I was leaving,
Dad decided to cook lunch

by the glow of the
small kitchen fire.

Oh, Niles

this last week with Dad...

It's been a living hell.

When I'm there, I feel like
my territory's being violated.

When I'm not, I'm worried
about what he's up to.

Look at me. I'm a nervous wreck.

I've got to do
something to calm down.

Double espresso, please.

Niles, you don't still have
the brochures from those...

those rest homes, do you?

Of course, I do.

Don't forget, Maris is
five years older than I am.

But do you really
think that's necessary?

I'm afraid I do.

I don't have my life anymore.

Tuesday night, I gave up

my tickets to the theater...
Wednesday, it was the symphony.

That reminds me.

Weren't you going to
the opera on Friday?

Yes. Here.

Thank you.

Niles, you don't
suppose there's a chance

that you and Maris could...

Funny you should mention that.

Maris and I were
just discussing this.

We feel we should do more
to share the responsibility.

You mean you'd take him in?

Dear God, no.

But we would be willing

to help you pay for
a home care worker.

A what?

You know. Someone
who cooks and cleans

and can help Dad

with his physical therapy.

These angels exist?

I know of an agency.
Let me arrange for them

to send a few people
over to meet with you.

Niles, I can't thank you enough.

I feel this overwhelming
urge to hug you.

Remember what Mom always said...

"A handshake is
as good as a hug."

Wise woman.

I have never been more impressed

with a human being in my life.

Now, what was
wrong with that one?!

She was casing the joint.

Casing the joint.

She spent two years
with Mother Teresa.

Well, if I were Mother Teresa,
I'd check my jewelry box.

( doorbell chimes)

This is the last one.

Can you please try
to keep an open mind?

Oh, hello.

Caught me with me
hand in the biscuit tin.

I'm Daphne. Daphne Moon.

Frasier Crane.

Please come in. Thank you.

This is my father, Martin Crane.

Dad, this is Daphne Moon.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, and who might this be?

That is Eddie.

I call him Eddie Spaghetti.

Oh, he likes pasta?

No, he has worms.

Have a seat, Miss Moon.

Daphne. Thank you.

Oh, will you look at that?

What a comfy chair.

It's like I always say

start with a good piece
and replace the rest

when you can afford it.

Yes, well, perhaps
you should start

by telling us a little bit
about yourself, Miss Moon?

Well, I'm originally from
Manchester, England.

Oh, really? Did
you hear that, Dad?

I'm three feet away.

There's nothing
wrong with my hearing.

I've only been in the
U.S. for a few months

but I have quite an
extensive background

in home care and
physical therapy

as you can see from my resume.

I...

You were a
policeman, weren't you?

Yeah. How did you know?

I must confess,
I'm a bit psychic.

It's nothing big.

Just little things I
sense about people.

I mean, it's not like I
can pick the lottery.

If I could, I
wouldn't be talking

to the likes of you two

now, would I?

Yes.

Perhaps I should describe
the duties around here.

You would be responsible for...

Oh, wait a minute.

I'm getting something on you.

You're a florist.

No. I'm a psychiatrist.

Well, it comes and goes.

Usually it's strongest
during my time of the month.

Oh, I guess I let a
little secret out there

didn't I?

It's safe with us.

Well, Miss Moon, I think
we've learned just about

all we need to know about
you... and a dash extra.

You're a dog, aren't you?

Well, we'll be calling
you, Miss Moon.

Why wait? You got the job.

Oh, wonderful.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Aren't you forgetting
a little something here?

Don't you think we should
talk about this in private?

Of course you should.

I completely understand.

I'll just pop into the loo.

You do have one, don't you?

Yes.

Oh, I love America.

Dad, what do you
think you're doing?

You wanted me to
pick one. I picked one.

But she's a kook.
I don't like her.

Well, what difference
does it make to you?

She's only going to be
here when you're not.

Then what's my problem?

Daphne...

you've been retained.

Oh, wonderful.

I had a premonition.

Quelle surprise.

I'll move me things in tomorrow.

Oh, move in? Oh, I'm sorry.

There must be some
misunderstanding.

This isn't a live-in position.

Oh, dear. Well, the
lady at the agency...

The lady at the
agency was wrong.

This is just a
part-time position.

I'm afraid it just
won't work out.

Hold on, there, Frasier.

Let's talk about this.

Dad, there's nothing to discuss.

You two should talk about this

so I'll just pop back in here

and enjoy some more
of your African erotic art.

Daphne, I think it would
be best if you leave.

Oh, well, all right then.

Don't be alarmed.

We'll contact you.

If not by telephone,
then through the toaster.

Dad, I'm not having
another person

living in this house.

Give me one good reason why not.

Well, for one thing,
there's no room for her.

What about that room right
across the hall from mine?

My study? You expect
me to give up my study?

The place where I read?

Where I do my most
profound thinking?

Use the can like
the rest of the world.

You'll adjust.

I don't want to adjust.

I've done enough adjusting.

I'm in a new city.
I've got a new job.

I'm separated
from my little boy...

Which, in itself, is
enough to drive me nuts...

And now my father and
his dog are living with me.

Well, that's enough
on my plate, thank you.

The whole idea of
getting somebody in here

was to help ease my
burden, not to add to it.

You hear that,
Eddie? We're a burden.

Oh, Dad. Dad, you're
twisting my words.

I meant burden in its
most positive sense.

As in, "Gee, what
a lovely burden?"

Something like that, yes.

Well, you're not the only one
who got screwed here, you know.

Two years ago, I'm
sailing toward retirement

and some punk robbing
a convenience store

puts a bullet in my hip.

Next thing you know

I'm trading in my golf
clubs for one of these.

Well, I had plans,
too, you know.

And this may come as a
shock to you, sonny boy

but one of them
wasn't living with you.

I'm just trying to do
the right thing here.

I'm trying to be the good son.

Don't worry, son.

After I'm gone, you
can live guilt-free

knowing you've done
right by your papa.

You think that is what
this is all about? Guilt?

Isn't it?

Of course it is!

But the point is, I
did it. I took you in.

And I got news for you...

I wanted to do it,
because you're my father.

And how do you repay me?

Ever since you moved in here

it's been a snide
comment about this

or a smart little
put-down about that.

Well, I've done my best to
make a home here for you.

And once... just once...
Would it have killed you

to say thank you?

One lousy thank you.

Come on, Eddie.

It's past your dinnertime.

I'm going out.

They have got to move the
bathroom closer to the studio!

We'll be right back
after these messages.

Can't I put that on tape?!

What's eating you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just this thing
with my father

and this person
he wants to hire.

I thought I'd started my
life with a clean slate...

I had a picture of what
it was going to be like...

And then... I don't know.

Ever heard of Lupe Velez?

Who?

Lupe Velez.

The movie star in the '30s?

Well...

her career hit the skids

so she decided she'd make
one final stab at immortality.

She figured If she couldn't
be remembered for her movies

she'd be remembered
for the way she died

and all Lupe wanted
was to be remembered.

So, she plans this
lavish suicide...

Flowers, candles, silk sheets

white satin gown, full hair
and makeup... the works.

She takes the overdose
of pills, lays on the bed

and imagines how
beautiful she's going to look

on the front page of
tomorrow's newspaper.

Unfortunately

the pills don't set well with
the enchilada combo plate

she sadly chose
as her last meal.

She stumbles

to the bathroom, trips, and
goes headfirst into the toilet

and that's how they found her.

Is there a reason
you're telling me this?

Yes.

Even though things may
not happen like we planned

they can work out anyway.

Remind me again

how it worked for Lupe

last seen with her
head in the toilet.

All she wanted was
to be remembered.

Will you ever forget that story?

We're back.

Roz, who's our next caller?

We have Martin on line one.

He's having a
problem with his son.

Hello, Martin.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane.

I'm listening.

MARTIN: I'm a first-time caller.

Welcome to the show.

How can I help you?

I just moved in with
my son, and, uh...

it ain't working.

There's a lot of
tension between us.

I can imagine.

And why do you think that's so?

I guess I didn't see

he had a whole new
life planned for himself

and I kind of got in the way.

Well, these things
are a two-way street.

Perhaps your son
wasn't sensitive enough

to see how your
life was changing.

You got that right!

I've been telling him
that ever since I got there!

I'm sure he
appreciated your candor.

Well, maybe sometimes

I ought to just learn
how to keep my trap shut.

That's good advice for us all.

Anything else?

Yeah. I'm worried
my son doesn't know

that I really appreciate
what he's done for me.

Why don't you tell him?

You know how it is
with fathers and sons.

You have trouble
saying that stuff.

Well, if it helps

I suspect your son
already knows how you feel.

Is that all?

Yeah, I guess that's it.

Thank you, Dr. Crane.

My pleasure, Martin.

You hear what I said?!

I said thank you!

Yes, I heard.

Uh... Dr. Crane?

We have Claire on line four.

She's having a problem
getting over a relationship.

Hello, Claire.

I'm listening.

I'm a... well, I'm a mess.

Eight months ago, my
boyfriend and I broke up

and I just can't get over it.

The pain isn't going away.

It's like I'm in
mourning or something.

Claire, you are in mourning

but you're not mourning
the loss of your boyfriend.

You're mourning the loss

of what you thought
your life was going to be.

Let it go.

Things don't always
work out how you planned.

That's not necessarily bad.

Things have a way
of working out anyway.

Have you ever
heard of Lupe Velez?

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughs)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're calling again. ♪

Good night,
Seattle! We love you!