Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 22 - Author, Author - full transcript
Niles is working on a psychology book, but the project has come to a halt since someone else wrote a book on the idea he sold the publisher. He meets with his publisher, Sam Tanaka, at Café Nervosa with Frasier at the table to present a new idea, which he doesn't have. When Sam floats the idea of two siblings writing a book about sibling psychology, Niles leaps on the idea and tells him that will be the project. Frasier is initially reluctant to join the project, but Niles convinces him to do it. When they start writing, they find themselves at a loss for ideas, but get the idea to use Frasier's show to get material. The next day, Frasier has a theme show and asks callers to share their stories of sibling relationships, giving them a wealth of material for the day. After the show Sam Tanaka calls and tells them he has been discussing the serialization rights with Reader's Digest and wants the first few chapters as a sample. Frasier and Niles tell him their current material is very rough and Sam gives them until Friday to rework the book. Following the Gershwin brothers' example, Frasier suggests that he and Niles lock themselves in a hotel room to get the privacy they need. They do so and start writing, but spend days in the hotel room and become unable to even agree on the opening sentence. Come Friday, they have nothing to show for their work except a lot of resentment on Niles' part because he is annoyed by how he is more successful as a psychiatrist than Frasier, who still becomes a celebrity, and he is tired of being the second of the two to reach the milestones of life, such as getting married and having children. After the Crane brothers' fight turns into physical violence, they split up. After their resentment continues for a while, Martin tells them about a partner he had on the force who as killed after they had a similar falling out. The story, which he later tells Daphne was a lie, makes Frasier and Niles make amends.
Captioning Sponsored by
PARAMOUNT PICTURES
Here you go, Doc... your usual.
My "usual." How lovely
it is to have a usual.
What is this?
Latte with nutmeg and cinnamon.
No, that's my brother's usual.
I am the double-Kona with cream.
Oh, Frasier, am
I glad to see you.
Your usual, Doc?
Please.
Thank you.
Niles, you seem
more than usually
agitated today.
A problem?
I'm meeting my publisher
here in 15 minutes.
Remember the book
deal I signed last month?
The one you were so jealous of?
I wasn't jealous, Niles.
You just wanted
me to be jealous.
Well, it's all moot anyway.
The deal's about to be killed.
Turned out the idea I sold them
had already been done.
They gave me till today
to come up with an alternative
and I've got bubkes...
I've got less than bubkes.
I've got what
bubkes keeps for lint
in the bottom of his pocket.
Can't you just ask
for an extension?
No, no. I've had two already.
Oh.
Oh, God. There he is.
Sam, so good to see you.
Niles.
Sam Tanaka, my
brother, Dr. Frasier Crane.
It's a pleasure.
Nice to meet you.
Sam, would you like a coffee?
I'll have what he's having.
So you shall.
One more, please.
TANAKA: Wait a second.
You're the doctor from
the radio, aren't you?
Guilty as charged.
I listen to your
show all the time.
Oh, thank you.
Funny. I never put it together
that the two of
you were brothers.
All our lives.
You two must have
incredible insight
into sibling relationships.
No more than your
average psychiatrist brothers.
( chuckling)
TANAKA: So, Niles...
what's your idea?
( sobbing feebly)
( clears throat)
My idea. Well, Sam, you know
I've given it a lot of
thought, and it's not easy.
You know, you'd almost
think there is a book in that.
In what?
Two psychiatrist brothers
writing about
sibling relationships.
That, Sam, is why you are
the most respected publisher
in the greater Seattle area
That is exactly the idea we
were going to pitch to you!
What?
Terrific!
Well, I hate to interrupt...
Excuse me. Gentlemen, I'm
going to cancel my lunch date
so I can take you
two out to celebrate.
Oh, well, we were going
to write today, but okay.
Niles, what the
hell are you doing?
I don't want to write a
book, for God's sake!
I'm outta here.
Frasier, I know it's
asking a big favor...
I know you're busy...
But I just want you to know that
all my life, I have
dreamed of one thing...
The day I could
go into a library
and go to the card catalog
and see my name
under "mental illness."
The day I could finally
feel what you feel...
That I'm somebody.
Not just one more
dusty little psychiatrist
in a gray pin-striped suit.
Oh, Niles, I...
Come on. We haven't
collaborated on anything together
since we wrote the spring
musicale in prep school.
Yes, well, it was well-received.
It did get us out of gym class.
It could be like that again.
I don't know, Niles.
( humming introduction)
♪ Oh, some boys go to college ♪
♪ But we think
they're all wussies ♪
♪ 'Cause they get
all the knowledge ♪
♪ And we get all the... ♪
( both humming)
All right, I'll do it!
Yes!
( doorbell rings)
Dumas frere.
Dumas frere.
Hello, Niles. What are
you doing over here?
Oh, Dad, I told you.
It's our first writing session.
But I thought you were
doing it over at Niles' house.
We were supposed to.
Unfortunately, it's Maris' turn
to host her sherry-tasting group
and things tend to get a
little raucous when she does.
But the Sonics are
on in 20 minutes.
Oh, Dad, I've
solved that problem.
I bought you these
headphones. Now, here. You see?
You'll be able
to listen to the TV
without disturbing Niles
and me while we work.
What about Eddie?
How is he going to hear?
He can read about the game
in tomorrow's paper.
Try them out there.
( shouting:) Hey, not bad!
Very clever solution.
Yes. It also has another
little feature that I like a lot.
Watch this.
Hey, Dad, nice shirt.
Did they throw that in
the last time you
had your tires rotated?
Hey, Dad, tell us about the time
you met Dwight Eisenhower.
We haven't heard
that story this hour.
FRASIER: Okay, okay.
My turn, my turn.
Hey, Dad...
Say another word
and I'll club you
both with my cane.
This is great. Thanks a lot.
Watch out for
this for me, Eddie.
I got to get myself
a little snack.
Who wants a beer?
Just you.
All right, now, Niles
this is no time
to procrastinate.
Okay, here we go.
Chapter one, page
one, paragraph one.
( key clicking)
I'm indenting.
I hate to squash your enthusiasm
but don't you think that
before we start
actually typing the book
we should discuss what
the book is going to be about?
Forgive me for
just barreling ahead
but, damn it, I'm jazzed!
Yeah.
You know, we have
to approach this book
from a completely
different angle
than all of our
previous writings...
Our dissertations, our theses.
Oh, that's right. Yes.
This has to be interesting.
Well, the obvious
approach is case histories.
We'll fill the book
with anecdotes
about brothers and sisters
we've dealt with over
the years in our practice.
Yes, yes, yes. And, if we
throw in a few references
to heaving bosoms,
we're bound to make
Book-of-the-Month Club.
Boy, I could tell you a couple
of stories about you guys
you could throw in there.
That's an interesting idea.
We could use ourselves.
It would make a delicious
introduction. to our book,
I like the introduction idea.
Dad, okay, give
us your best story...
The one you feel depicts
little Niles and little Frasier
at their conflicted best.
That had to be when
we went trout fishing
at lake what's-its-name.
Boy, you guys were
at it tooth and nail.
Oh, this is good. This is good.
What was the name
of that lake again?
Dad, Dad, the name
of the lake is immaterial.
It's an Indian word...
Lake Watchahatchee?
Dad, you're missing
the point here.
Your mother would know.
It's too bad she's dead.
Uh... Watchakootchie?
Dad, it doesn't matter.
Coochawatchie?
It does not matter It
was an Indian word.
It meant "land of
a thousand..." no.
Dad...
This is driving me nuts.
I'm going to have to go
in there and look it up.
Dad, we just want the story.
Oh, that's all right.
Where the hell
did I put my atlas?
Quite a resource, isn't he?
All right, we'll just put
the introduction on hold.
Okay, back to case histories.
I suppose I could get my
files out of storage after the...
Niles, is there a light
bulb over my head?
You have an idea?
No, I'm asking you
if there's actually a
light bulb over my head.
Of course I have an idea!
It's my radio show.
I mean, What better source
of case histories can there be?
I'll simply ask my
listeners to call in
with their personal
stories of sibling conflict
and you can be my
guest on the show.
So what you're suggesting
is that we exploit
your listeners lives
for our own personal gain?
In essence, yes.
What do you think?
I think it's borderline
sleazy. Let's go for it.
Hello, Roz.
Hey, Frasier.
What's your brother doing here?
He's going to be my
guest on the show today.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
I am the producer, and
I approve all the guests.
This wasn't run by me,
and I do not approve him.
Okay, Roz, bye-bye.
Have a good show.
Okay, okay, he's approved.
But I will not get him coffee
I won't run his personal errands
and I'm not taking
any of his crapola.
Hey, Niles, welcome aboard.
Five seconds to air.
Okay, Niles...
just sit down,
take a deep breath
try not to spit on the mike.
All right.
Hello, Seattle.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
I have a very special
guest with me today...
My brother, the eminent
psychiatrist Dr. Niles Crane.
Hello, Emerald City.
What's doing? What's happening?
What the hell do you
think you're doing?
That was my radio persona.
Every great radio
personality has one.
I don't.
My point exactly.
Just try to be
yourself, will you?
Our topic today is siblings:
what makes you love them,
what makes you hate them...
What little things do they do
that especially annoy you?
These could be things
from your childhood
or they could be things
from your adolescence
or they could be things from
your young adulthood or...
They could be things
that are going on right now.
Roz...
who's our first caller?
We have Donald
from Bainbridge Island.
He hasn't spoken to his
brother in over 20 years.
Hello, Donald. I'm...
listening.
We're listening.
WOMAN: I'll never
forget it, Dr. Crane.
I cried for two hours straight.
So you were completely bald.
Yes. The perm destroyed my hair.
I was sure my sisters
were going to laugh at me
but they all kissed me.
And then they marched
into the bathroom
and shaved their heads, too
just so I wouldn't
feel like a freak.
( mouthing silently)
Amazing!
Well, there you
have it, Seattle...
The miracle of the
sibling relationship
spelled out in an unselfish
act of head-shaving.
Well, that's all
the time we have.
I'd like to thank
my brother, Dr. Niles Crane
for being here today.
Niles, I would shave
my head for you.
A gesture which
becomes less significant
with each passing year.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
I'll be back tomorrow...
One Crane flying solo.
Frasier, we have
hit the mother lode.
We have enough material
here for two volumes.
I must apologize
for ever criticizing
your radio program.
Oh, it's all water
under the Pont Neuf.
I hate to break
up the strokeathon
but there's a Sam
Tanaka on line one.
Hello, Sam. You're
on speakerphone.
I caught the show
today, fellows.
You did... and?
Magic!
( laughing)
How's the writing coming?
Oh, incredible. It's
just flowing like water.
We've got... what...
two or three chapters already.
That's good to hear
because I just got off the
phone with Reader's Digest.
They're interested in
the serialization rights.
I need first few chapters
to give them a taste.
Can you fax them right over?
Well, Sam, uh, you know...
of course we could, but
they're a little rough, Sam.
No problem.
You've got till Friday
to polish them up.
You can do that, right?
Absolutely.
Friday's fine.
Terrific!
I love you guys!
What are we going to do?
Well, now, let's remember,
we have all this material.
It's just a matter of
putting it together.
It's due on Friday!
Then we'll buckle
down and do it by Friday!
Wait. Wait. I just
remembered something...
A story about George
and Ira Gershwin.
When they had to meet a deadline
they would lock
themselves into a hotel room
free from distractions
and not come out until
their task was complete.
Brilliant! If we get hot,
we'll not only
finish this volume.
We can write another chorus
to "Bess, You Is My Woman Now."
mass-produced art...
totally devoid of charm.
It's perfect. Let's get to work.
I'm with you, mon frere.
We cannot be intimidated by
the tyranny of the blank page.
All we need to get
a good start here
is room service.
Frasier!
All right.
All we need is a good
opening sentence...
Something that will smack the
reader right between the eyes
and then take him on a
virtual roller coaster ride
of self-awareness and discovery.
Frasier, while you're over there
mixing metaphors
like a Cuisinart
I've had a breakthrough.
Voila! Our opening sentence.
"From Romulus and
Remus to the Lennon Sisters
"sibling relationships
"have sparked
psychological debate
throughout the world."
Hmm... interesting.
You like it?
Well, I said it was interesting.
The task ahead of us now
is to decide whether we'd like
an interesting
opening or a good one.
You're just being negative
because you
didn't think of it first.
No, in truth, I'm not.
I never cared for Romulus,
never cared for Remus
and the reference
to the Lennon Sisters
is from the freaking moon.
Well, all right.
If you can do better,
please be my guest.
I will.
My fingers are
poised over the keys.
I'm waiting.
I'm still waiting.
Oh, all right, all right.
Put this down.
The key to a good
sibling relationship
is the ability to be
open and honest.
That actually
sounded good to me.
Well, put that in there.
"The key to a good
sibling relationship
"is the ability to be
open and honest...
while still respecting
each other's boundaries."
What are you doing?
What was that crap
about boundaries?
I was just finishing
the thought.
The thought was finished.
It didn't need finishing,
for God's sakes!
Now it's a run-on sentence!
I think it's much
better this way.
Well, I don't. Well,
I'm at the keyboard.
All right, then let me type.
No. You know I can
only write at a keyboard.
You haven't written
a thing all day
except to ruin a good
opening sentence!
I was merely finishing it. It
was an incomplete thought.
Oh, you're an
incomplete thought!
What happened to the iced tea?
I finished that, too.
Niles, I've just
had an epiphany.
Oh, wonderful.
We could use a second sentence.
No, it's not for the book.
I just realized why
so many writers
become bloated,
alcoholic suicides.
No, don't type that in.
I'm not.
I'm adding up our
tab from the mini-bar.
We now owe $232.
Oh, dear God.
Well, you're the fool who ate
the damn jar of macadamia nuts.
No, it's dawn!
It's Friday!
Oh, Niles, why
don't we just admit it.
We can't work together.
There's never
going to be any book.
Not with that
attitude. There isn't.
Oh, will you get
off it? Come on!
The fat lady has sung.
The curtain has
been rung down here.
I'll type it for you
in capital letters.
"It's oover"?
Let's just go home.
Well, I guess I
shouldn't be surprised
that you'd give up so easily.
It's not your dream, after all.
Why should it be,
Mr. Big Shot Radio Host?
Oh, is that what this little
tantrum is all about, huh?
You're jealous of my celebrity?
It's not a tantrum
and I'm not jealous.
I'm just fed up!
I'm fed up with being
second all the time.
You know, I wanted to
be a psychiatrist like Mom
way before you did but,
because you were older
you got there first.
You were first to get married.
You were first to give dad the
grandchild he always wanted.
By the time I get
around to doing anything
it's all chewed meat!
You're crying about
something that we can't change.
Oh, you wouldn't change
it if you could. You love it.
Oh, let it go, Niles.
I can't let it go.
My nose is rubbed
in it every day.
I'm the one on the board of
the Psychiatric Association.
My research is well-respected
in academic circles.
Four of my patients have
been elected to political office.
But it's your big, fat face
they put on the side of buses!
I do not have a fat face!
Oh, please. I keep wondering
how long you're going to
store those nuts for winter.
Well, at least I'm not spindly.
Who you calling
spindly, fat face?
You, spindly!
Spindly! Fat face!
You take that back! Fat face!
You make me.
I will make you!
I don't see you making me.
Here's making you!
( Frasier roaring)
Here's your fat face.
Give me that!
Niles! Niles!
What?
Stop it!
We're psychiatrists,
not pugilists.
I can't believe
you fell for that.
( yelling)
My God! My God!
I'm having a flashback!
You're climbing in my
crib and jumping on me!
You stole my mommy!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Niles.
I got to get out of here.
This entire idea has been
a fiasco from the start.
It's the stupidest
idea we ever had.
I should have never
agreed with it. Good-bye!
Good morning, all.
Morning.
You seem chipper
this morning, Dr. Crane.
And why shouldn't I be?
Well, it's going to rain again
the jobless rate's up
and, about two minutes ago,
Eddie was licking that muffin.
( doorbell rings)
Oh, I'll get it.
Dad, the mark of a mature man
is one that realizes he cannot
control his circumstances.
He can only
control his response.
You talking to your brother yet?
I do not have a brother!
I am an only child.
Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
Hello, Daphne... Dad.
What are you doing here?
Dad, I would like you
to convey a message
from me to Frasier.
What makes you think
I know where he is?
Tell him he owes me
half of this hotel bill.
I will accept cash but
no personal checks.
I know he has
trouble writing things.
I'm not paying any of this.
Oh...
so you're cheap as well
as intellectually barren.
And you're a no-talent hack!
And you look
stupid in a T-shirt!
All right, that's enough.
Sit down and listen to me.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I never had a brother
but I had a partner once...
My first, Mitch Gossett.
Big bear of a guy,
arms like tree trunks.
Mitch and I would go
to ball games together...
We played cards... and this was
after working eight
hours together.
That's all very nice, but...
just listen to me.
About three months
into our partnership
Goss and I got
assigned to a stakeout...
Three days in the front seat
of a Chevy Nova together
sleeping sitting up,
drinking too much coffee.
Didn't take long
before we started getting
on each other's nerves.
Because he was a
big, egotistical fat face?
Because we were human.
He didn't like this about me,
I didn't like that about him.
It got ugly.
When the stakeout was over
Goss requested a transfer,
and that was fine by me.
Three months later, he was
stabbed breaking up a bar fight.
By the time I got to the
hospital, it was too late.
Take what you want
from this story, boys.
All I know is...
it ain't worth it.
Excuse me.
I think I need a hanky.
Frasier, isn't there something
you want to say to your brother?
Yes, Dad, I suppose there is.
Niles, would you like a muffin?
Frasier!
Oh, all right.
Niles...
I'm sorry things didn't
work out with the book.
You have no reason
to feel inferior to me.
You're an
accomplished psychiatrist
a decent man
and you stand second to no one.
Thank you, Frasier.
The truth is
I've always looked up
to you and admired you.
All right, enough of
this mushy girly stuff.
Just shake hands, punch
each other on the shoulder
and be done with it.
Oh, what the heck.
Oh, geez.
What are you crying about?
I just keep thinking
about poor Goss.
It must be so hard on you
carrying all that pain around.
There was no Goss.
I just made him up.
Well, at least there's one
good writer in this family.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Mercy ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughing)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Good night, everybody!
PARAMOUNT PICTURES
Here you go, Doc... your usual.
My "usual." How lovely
it is to have a usual.
What is this?
Latte with nutmeg and cinnamon.
No, that's my brother's usual.
I am the double-Kona with cream.
Oh, Frasier, am
I glad to see you.
Your usual, Doc?
Please.
Thank you.
Niles, you seem
more than usually
agitated today.
A problem?
I'm meeting my publisher
here in 15 minutes.
Remember the book
deal I signed last month?
The one you were so jealous of?
I wasn't jealous, Niles.
You just wanted
me to be jealous.
Well, it's all moot anyway.
The deal's about to be killed.
Turned out the idea I sold them
had already been done.
They gave me till today
to come up with an alternative
and I've got bubkes...
I've got less than bubkes.
I've got what
bubkes keeps for lint
in the bottom of his pocket.
Can't you just ask
for an extension?
No, no. I've had two already.
Oh.
Oh, God. There he is.
Sam, so good to see you.
Niles.
Sam Tanaka, my
brother, Dr. Frasier Crane.
It's a pleasure.
Nice to meet you.
Sam, would you like a coffee?
I'll have what he's having.
So you shall.
One more, please.
TANAKA: Wait a second.
You're the doctor from
the radio, aren't you?
Guilty as charged.
I listen to your
show all the time.
Oh, thank you.
Funny. I never put it together
that the two of
you were brothers.
All our lives.
You two must have
incredible insight
into sibling relationships.
No more than your
average psychiatrist brothers.
( chuckling)
TANAKA: So, Niles...
what's your idea?
( sobbing feebly)
( clears throat)
My idea. Well, Sam, you know
I've given it a lot of
thought, and it's not easy.
You know, you'd almost
think there is a book in that.
In what?
Two psychiatrist brothers
writing about
sibling relationships.
That, Sam, is why you are
the most respected publisher
in the greater Seattle area
That is exactly the idea we
were going to pitch to you!
What?
Terrific!
Well, I hate to interrupt...
Excuse me. Gentlemen, I'm
going to cancel my lunch date
so I can take you
two out to celebrate.
Oh, well, we were going
to write today, but okay.
Niles, what the
hell are you doing?
I don't want to write a
book, for God's sake!
I'm outta here.
Frasier, I know it's
asking a big favor...
I know you're busy...
But I just want you to know that
all my life, I have
dreamed of one thing...
The day I could
go into a library
and go to the card catalog
and see my name
under "mental illness."
The day I could finally
feel what you feel...
That I'm somebody.
Not just one more
dusty little psychiatrist
in a gray pin-striped suit.
Oh, Niles, I...
Come on. We haven't
collaborated on anything together
since we wrote the spring
musicale in prep school.
Yes, well, it was well-received.
It did get us out of gym class.
It could be like that again.
I don't know, Niles.
( humming introduction)
♪ Oh, some boys go to college ♪
♪ But we think
they're all wussies ♪
♪ 'Cause they get
all the knowledge ♪
♪ And we get all the... ♪
( both humming)
All right, I'll do it!
Yes!
( doorbell rings)
Dumas frere.
Dumas frere.
Hello, Niles. What are
you doing over here?
Oh, Dad, I told you.
It's our first writing session.
But I thought you were
doing it over at Niles' house.
We were supposed to.
Unfortunately, it's Maris' turn
to host her sherry-tasting group
and things tend to get a
little raucous when she does.
But the Sonics are
on in 20 minutes.
Oh, Dad, I've
solved that problem.
I bought you these
headphones. Now, here. You see?
You'll be able
to listen to the TV
without disturbing Niles
and me while we work.
What about Eddie?
How is he going to hear?
He can read about the game
in tomorrow's paper.
Try them out there.
( shouting:) Hey, not bad!
Very clever solution.
Yes. It also has another
little feature that I like a lot.
Watch this.
Hey, Dad, nice shirt.
Did they throw that in
the last time you
had your tires rotated?
Hey, Dad, tell us about the time
you met Dwight Eisenhower.
We haven't heard
that story this hour.
FRASIER: Okay, okay.
My turn, my turn.
Hey, Dad...
Say another word
and I'll club you
both with my cane.
This is great. Thanks a lot.
Watch out for
this for me, Eddie.
I got to get myself
a little snack.
Who wants a beer?
Just you.
All right, now, Niles
this is no time
to procrastinate.
Okay, here we go.
Chapter one, page
one, paragraph one.
( key clicking)
I'm indenting.
I hate to squash your enthusiasm
but don't you think that
before we start
actually typing the book
we should discuss what
the book is going to be about?
Forgive me for
just barreling ahead
but, damn it, I'm jazzed!
Yeah.
You know, we have
to approach this book
from a completely
different angle
than all of our
previous writings...
Our dissertations, our theses.
Oh, that's right. Yes.
This has to be interesting.
Well, the obvious
approach is case histories.
We'll fill the book
with anecdotes
about brothers and sisters
we've dealt with over
the years in our practice.
Yes, yes, yes. And, if we
throw in a few references
to heaving bosoms,
we're bound to make
Book-of-the-Month Club.
Boy, I could tell you a couple
of stories about you guys
you could throw in there.
That's an interesting idea.
We could use ourselves.
It would make a delicious
introduction. to our book,
I like the introduction idea.
Dad, okay, give
us your best story...
The one you feel depicts
little Niles and little Frasier
at their conflicted best.
That had to be when
we went trout fishing
at lake what's-its-name.
Boy, you guys were
at it tooth and nail.
Oh, this is good. This is good.
What was the name
of that lake again?
Dad, Dad, the name
of the lake is immaterial.
It's an Indian word...
Lake Watchahatchee?
Dad, you're missing
the point here.
Your mother would know.
It's too bad she's dead.
Uh... Watchakootchie?
Dad, it doesn't matter.
Coochawatchie?
It does not matter It
was an Indian word.
It meant "land of
a thousand..." no.
Dad...
This is driving me nuts.
I'm going to have to go
in there and look it up.
Dad, we just want the story.
Oh, that's all right.
Where the hell
did I put my atlas?
Quite a resource, isn't he?
All right, we'll just put
the introduction on hold.
Okay, back to case histories.
I suppose I could get my
files out of storage after the...
Niles, is there a light
bulb over my head?
You have an idea?
No, I'm asking you
if there's actually a
light bulb over my head.
Of course I have an idea!
It's my radio show.
I mean, What better source
of case histories can there be?
I'll simply ask my
listeners to call in
with their personal
stories of sibling conflict
and you can be my
guest on the show.
So what you're suggesting
is that we exploit
your listeners lives
for our own personal gain?
In essence, yes.
What do you think?
I think it's borderline
sleazy. Let's go for it.
Hello, Roz.
Hey, Frasier.
What's your brother doing here?
He's going to be my
guest on the show today.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
I am the producer, and
I approve all the guests.
This wasn't run by me,
and I do not approve him.
Okay, Roz, bye-bye.
Have a good show.
Okay, okay, he's approved.
But I will not get him coffee
I won't run his personal errands
and I'm not taking
any of his crapola.
Hey, Niles, welcome aboard.
Five seconds to air.
Okay, Niles...
just sit down,
take a deep breath
try not to spit on the mike.
All right.
Hello, Seattle.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
I have a very special
guest with me today...
My brother, the eminent
psychiatrist Dr. Niles Crane.
Hello, Emerald City.
What's doing? What's happening?
What the hell do you
think you're doing?
That was my radio persona.
Every great radio
personality has one.
I don't.
My point exactly.
Just try to be
yourself, will you?
Our topic today is siblings:
what makes you love them,
what makes you hate them...
What little things do they do
that especially annoy you?
These could be things
from your childhood
or they could be things
from your adolescence
or they could be things from
your young adulthood or...
They could be things
that are going on right now.
Roz...
who's our first caller?
We have Donald
from Bainbridge Island.
He hasn't spoken to his
brother in over 20 years.
Hello, Donald. I'm...
listening.
We're listening.
WOMAN: I'll never
forget it, Dr. Crane.
I cried for two hours straight.
So you were completely bald.
Yes. The perm destroyed my hair.
I was sure my sisters
were going to laugh at me
but they all kissed me.
And then they marched
into the bathroom
and shaved their heads, too
just so I wouldn't
feel like a freak.
( mouthing silently)
Amazing!
Well, there you
have it, Seattle...
The miracle of the
sibling relationship
spelled out in an unselfish
act of head-shaving.
Well, that's all
the time we have.
I'd like to thank
my brother, Dr. Niles Crane
for being here today.
Niles, I would shave
my head for you.
A gesture which
becomes less significant
with each passing year.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
I'll be back tomorrow...
One Crane flying solo.
Frasier, we have
hit the mother lode.
We have enough material
here for two volumes.
I must apologize
for ever criticizing
your radio program.
Oh, it's all water
under the Pont Neuf.
I hate to break
up the strokeathon
but there's a Sam
Tanaka on line one.
Hello, Sam. You're
on speakerphone.
I caught the show
today, fellows.
You did... and?
Magic!
( laughing)
How's the writing coming?
Oh, incredible. It's
just flowing like water.
We've got... what...
two or three chapters already.
That's good to hear
because I just got off the
phone with Reader's Digest.
They're interested in
the serialization rights.
I need first few chapters
to give them a taste.
Can you fax them right over?
Well, Sam, uh, you know...
of course we could, but
they're a little rough, Sam.
No problem.
You've got till Friday
to polish them up.
You can do that, right?
Absolutely.
Friday's fine.
Terrific!
I love you guys!
What are we going to do?
Well, now, let's remember,
we have all this material.
It's just a matter of
putting it together.
It's due on Friday!
Then we'll buckle
down and do it by Friday!
Wait. Wait. I just
remembered something...
A story about George
and Ira Gershwin.
When they had to meet a deadline
they would lock
themselves into a hotel room
free from distractions
and not come out until
their task was complete.
Brilliant! If we get hot,
we'll not only
finish this volume.
We can write another chorus
to "Bess, You Is My Woman Now."
mass-produced art...
totally devoid of charm.
It's perfect. Let's get to work.
I'm with you, mon frere.
We cannot be intimidated by
the tyranny of the blank page.
All we need to get
a good start here
is room service.
Frasier!
All right.
All we need is a good
opening sentence...
Something that will smack the
reader right between the eyes
and then take him on a
virtual roller coaster ride
of self-awareness and discovery.
Frasier, while you're over there
mixing metaphors
like a Cuisinart
I've had a breakthrough.
Voila! Our opening sentence.
"From Romulus and
Remus to the Lennon Sisters
"sibling relationships
"have sparked
psychological debate
throughout the world."
Hmm... interesting.
You like it?
Well, I said it was interesting.
The task ahead of us now
is to decide whether we'd like
an interesting
opening or a good one.
You're just being negative
because you
didn't think of it first.
No, in truth, I'm not.
I never cared for Romulus,
never cared for Remus
and the reference
to the Lennon Sisters
is from the freaking moon.
Well, all right.
If you can do better,
please be my guest.
I will.
My fingers are
poised over the keys.
I'm waiting.
I'm still waiting.
Oh, all right, all right.
Put this down.
The key to a good
sibling relationship
is the ability to be
open and honest.
That actually
sounded good to me.
Well, put that in there.
"The key to a good
sibling relationship
"is the ability to be
open and honest...
while still respecting
each other's boundaries."
What are you doing?
What was that crap
about boundaries?
I was just finishing
the thought.
The thought was finished.
It didn't need finishing,
for God's sakes!
Now it's a run-on sentence!
I think it's much
better this way.
Well, I don't. Well,
I'm at the keyboard.
All right, then let me type.
No. You know I can
only write at a keyboard.
You haven't written
a thing all day
except to ruin a good
opening sentence!
I was merely finishing it. It
was an incomplete thought.
Oh, you're an
incomplete thought!
What happened to the iced tea?
I finished that, too.
Niles, I've just
had an epiphany.
Oh, wonderful.
We could use a second sentence.
No, it's not for the book.
I just realized why
so many writers
become bloated,
alcoholic suicides.
No, don't type that in.
I'm not.
I'm adding up our
tab from the mini-bar.
We now owe $232.
Oh, dear God.
Well, you're the fool who ate
the damn jar of macadamia nuts.
No, it's dawn!
It's Friday!
Oh, Niles, why
don't we just admit it.
We can't work together.
There's never
going to be any book.
Not with that
attitude. There isn't.
Oh, will you get
off it? Come on!
The fat lady has sung.
The curtain has
been rung down here.
I'll type it for you
in capital letters.
"It's oover"?
Let's just go home.
Well, I guess I
shouldn't be surprised
that you'd give up so easily.
It's not your dream, after all.
Why should it be,
Mr. Big Shot Radio Host?
Oh, is that what this little
tantrum is all about, huh?
You're jealous of my celebrity?
It's not a tantrum
and I'm not jealous.
I'm just fed up!
I'm fed up with being
second all the time.
You know, I wanted to
be a psychiatrist like Mom
way before you did but,
because you were older
you got there first.
You were first to get married.
You were first to give dad the
grandchild he always wanted.
By the time I get
around to doing anything
it's all chewed meat!
You're crying about
something that we can't change.
Oh, you wouldn't change
it if you could. You love it.
Oh, let it go, Niles.
I can't let it go.
My nose is rubbed
in it every day.
I'm the one on the board of
the Psychiatric Association.
My research is well-respected
in academic circles.
Four of my patients have
been elected to political office.
But it's your big, fat face
they put on the side of buses!
I do not have a fat face!
Oh, please. I keep wondering
how long you're going to
store those nuts for winter.
Well, at least I'm not spindly.
Who you calling
spindly, fat face?
You, spindly!
Spindly! Fat face!
You take that back! Fat face!
You make me.
I will make you!
I don't see you making me.
Here's making you!
( Frasier roaring)
Here's your fat face.
Give me that!
Niles! Niles!
What?
Stop it!
We're psychiatrists,
not pugilists.
I can't believe
you fell for that.
( yelling)
My God! My God!
I'm having a flashback!
You're climbing in my
crib and jumping on me!
You stole my mommy!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Niles.
I got to get out of here.
This entire idea has been
a fiasco from the start.
It's the stupidest
idea we ever had.
I should have never
agreed with it. Good-bye!
Good morning, all.
Morning.
You seem chipper
this morning, Dr. Crane.
And why shouldn't I be?
Well, it's going to rain again
the jobless rate's up
and, about two minutes ago,
Eddie was licking that muffin.
( doorbell rings)
Oh, I'll get it.
Dad, the mark of a mature man
is one that realizes he cannot
control his circumstances.
He can only
control his response.
You talking to your brother yet?
I do not have a brother!
I am an only child.
Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
Hello, Daphne... Dad.
What are you doing here?
Dad, I would like you
to convey a message
from me to Frasier.
What makes you think
I know where he is?
Tell him he owes me
half of this hotel bill.
I will accept cash but
no personal checks.
I know he has
trouble writing things.
I'm not paying any of this.
Oh...
so you're cheap as well
as intellectually barren.
And you're a no-talent hack!
And you look
stupid in a T-shirt!
All right, that's enough.
Sit down and listen to me.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I never had a brother
but I had a partner once...
My first, Mitch Gossett.
Big bear of a guy,
arms like tree trunks.
Mitch and I would go
to ball games together...
We played cards... and this was
after working eight
hours together.
That's all very nice, but...
just listen to me.
About three months
into our partnership
Goss and I got
assigned to a stakeout...
Three days in the front seat
of a Chevy Nova together
sleeping sitting up,
drinking too much coffee.
Didn't take long
before we started getting
on each other's nerves.
Because he was a
big, egotistical fat face?
Because we were human.
He didn't like this about me,
I didn't like that about him.
It got ugly.
When the stakeout was over
Goss requested a transfer,
and that was fine by me.
Three months later, he was
stabbed breaking up a bar fight.
By the time I got to the
hospital, it was too late.
Take what you want
from this story, boys.
All I know is...
it ain't worth it.
Excuse me.
I think I need a hanky.
Frasier, isn't there something
you want to say to your brother?
Yes, Dad, I suppose there is.
Niles, would you like a muffin?
Frasier!
Oh, all right.
Niles...
I'm sorry things didn't
work out with the book.
You have no reason
to feel inferior to me.
You're an
accomplished psychiatrist
a decent man
and you stand second to no one.
Thank you, Frasier.
The truth is
I've always looked up
to you and admired you.
All right, enough of
this mushy girly stuff.
Just shake hands, punch
each other on the shoulder
and be done with it.
Oh, what the heck.
Oh, geez.
What are you crying about?
I just keep thinking
about poor Goss.
It must be so hard on you
carrying all that pain around.
There was no Goss.
I just made him up.
Well, at least there's one
good writer in this family.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Mercy ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughing)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Good night, everybody!