Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 21 - Travels with Martin - full transcript

Ed by PARAMOUNT PICTURES

Oh, look, Roz, Roz...
my brochures are here.

Oh, God... very
exciting vacation.

Wow. The Golden Door Spa.

Ooh, yes.

Look at those
accommodations. That is nice.

Yes. I plan to leave Dad and
Eddie to fend for themselves

while I go off and spend an
obscene amount of money

being pampered
like a spoiled child.

I know it's self-indulgent

but what else are vacations for?



By the way, what are you
doing for your week off?

Oh, I'm taking my mom to Ireland

to stay in the sod house
where her mother was born.

Why don't you just write the
words "bad son" on my forehead?

Listen...

there is nothing wrong

with pampering
yourself on your vacation.

After all, you do work
three hours a day.

I'm sorry, that one
even surprised me.

You know, it's just that

when I think of the
relationship I have with my dad

I-I can't help but envy

the relationship you
have with your mother.

Well, it didn't just happen.



We work at it.

We spend time together.

Roz, are you forgetting
that my father lives with me?

How much more time
together could we spend?

Day-to-day living is different.

You know, there
is nothing better

than taking a trip together.

You get to have a little
fun, you get to relax.

You get to see a whole
different side of the other person.

You know, in his entire life, my
dad has never been to Europe.

It would be a way of
connecting with him

if I were the one
to give him that.

So, what would you charge me
to take him to Ireland with you?

( pleasurable moaning)

I should have known
this would happen.

I always throw out my back

when I try to lift
Maris's luggage.

Why didn't you hire a skycap?

Oh, we did for most of it,

but Maris won't trust
strangers with her makeup case

ever since a ham-handed
porter dropped it

and broke three vials of
rare Swiss lamb placenta.

On the upside

the calfskin lining of her case
was never more soft and supple.

Where did Mrs. Crane go anyway?

( satisfied groaning)

She's making her
annual pilgrimage

to the Holy Land.

I thought she was going
to Dallas to visit her sister.

That is her Holy Land.

It's the site of the
first Neiman Marcus.

Oh, Dr. Crane.

Oh, call me Niles.

( Niles clears his throat)

Thank you, Daphne.

Dad, I have an idea

and I hope you're as
excited about it as I am.

I want to take you on vacation.

Why?

Well, I thought an adventure
might do us some good...

Give us a chance to have
fun, maybe get reacquainted,

even do a little bonding.

What did you have in mind?

Well, this is not about
where I want to go.

This is about where
you want to go.

Dad, I give you...

the world.

( mispronouncing): The
Galapagos Islands, huh?

"Where iguanas, sea
lions and giant tortoises

live in eternal harmony."

Is it important they get along?

Well, no, I suppose not.

Oh, how about
this? India and Nepal.

"Trek the foothills
of the Himalayas."

I think you're forgetting
about my old pal here.

No problem...
Frasier can just hire

a really tough little
Sherpa to carry you

on his back.

They don't mind.

Well, we obviously haven't
struck the right chord yet,

but we will, we will.

Dad, why don't you
just suggest something?

You really want to
go on a trip with me?

Yes, I do.

I'll go anywhere you
want to... anywhere.

Okay.

Well, maybe I'm not
as sophisticated as you

but I think I should
see America first.

Great!

We're Americans...
We should see America.

And I want to see
it in a Winnebago.

A Winnebago!

Hot damn!

That has a real ring to it.

Yeah, something
your mother and I

always dreamed about
doing when I retired.

Well, then that is exactly
the trip we're going to take.

You really mean it?

Absolutely.

This calls for a celebration.

Yeah, let's pop open
a couple of beers.

I think I got a bag of
pork rinds in here, too.

Ah, the final touch.

I almost feel like I'm
in a trailer park already.

Oh, Winnebago boy...

make sure and hang

a lot of beach
chairs on the back

and give it a really cute name

like The Whoopin' Cranes.

Oh, Niles, when I agreed
to see America with Dad

I thought we'd be
staying in five-star resorts.

When I said "together,"
I meant adjoining suites.

Just tell him you
think it's a bad idea.

No, I can't do that.

He's counting on
this trip too much.

It was his dream. He was
going to go on this trip with Mom.

Yes, but she
lucked out and died.

Niles, listen, listen.

If Dad and I get into
a Winnebago together

only one of us
will come out alive.

You've got to come with us.

Frasier, you're my brother.

That entitles you
to my bone marrow

and one of my kidneys.

But this is an imposition.

You got to come with us. Why?

Well, Frasier and I don't
have anything to talk about.

I always feel more comfortable

when there's somebody
else around or the TV's blaring.

Then why did you suggest it?

Well, it sounded
like a good idea

when it came out of my mouth,

but the more I think about it...

I mean, can you really see me

and Frasier together all day

then crawling into
our bunks at night

lying head-to-head
in the dark, bonding?

I'll pay you; I got
pension money.

I remember a car trip
we took when I was nine.

We drove from
Seattle to Spokane.

The only thing he said to me was

"I think we got a problem
with your brother Frasier."

Those were awful, those
family driving vacations...

Dad insisting on covering

as many miles as
possible in a day.

The two of us, tiny
hostages in the back seat,

clutching our car-sickness bags,

straining to see
something out the window

as the landscape whizzed by.

I was 13 before I
realized cows aren't blurry.

Why don't you just tell
him you don't want to go?

Oh, you heard
how he wants to go.

I don't want to disappoint him.

I don't want to disappoint him.

I'm sorry, Frasier.

I am not a Winnebago person.

Whenever I see
one on the highway

I look into the driver's eyes
hoping to see something

that would explain
why in God's name

he would ever want to
do something like this.

All I see is a death stare

under a hat made
of Miller Lite cans.

This is my final
word: I'm not going.

Hey, great news;
Daphne's coming, too.

And so am I.

MARTIN: It's everything I
hoped it'd be, only better.

It's like sitting in your own
living room watching TV

except it isn't
TV, it's America.

Yes, Dad, it's the ultimate

in reality programming...

Actual reality.

Okay, we got a turnoff coming up

in about five miles,
so start slowing down.

Righto, Dad.

How does it feel behind
that wheel, Dr. Crane?

Manly.

This is mine, and it's big.

Oh, my God, it's like being

sealed upright in
a Formica coffin.

Remember the old days, Niles?

When they were kids

all I had in the back seat
was a mayonnaise jar.

Yes, it took
quite a bit of skill

to use it successfully
at 70 miles an hour.

Never really been fond
of mayonnaise since.

Or speed bumps.

Okay, turnoff's coming up now.

We're about four miles away.

Get ready, it's coming up.

All right, you're
okay on the right.

It's never too
early to move over.

Dad, I was wondering
what inspired you to choose

that uniquely American
man-made wonder,

Mount Rushmore?

Oh, it's obvious.

We got a week off, right?

That's as far as we can
go in three and a half days

and still make it back.

We get there, get out,

walk around the
valley of the presidents,

drive back... boom.

Another fine landmark
under our belts.

Well, you've certainly

got this trip well-
planned, Mr. Crane.

Whenever I take a holiday

I just grab a fresh
pair of knickers

and see where the wind takes me.

Niles...

Niles...

You know, what Daphne's saying

is what we should
really be doing.

What are you talking about?

Well, why should we be

so beholden to
maps and schedules?

We should roam.

America has always
been enchanted

with the romance
of the open highway.

Jack Kerouac went on the road.

Buzz and Todd got
their kicks on Route 66.

The adventure is in the journey.

We should just ramble.

Doggone it, I'm inspired.

I'm going to put
on a baseball cap.

Frasier, watch it... you're
going to miss the turnoff.

So?

We'll get lost.

Lost from where? We're
in a house on wheels.

Wherever we go, we're home.

No, it's coming
up! It's coming up!

All right, turn here!

This is it! Dad! Dad!

Turn, turn here!

We missed it!

Dad, we didn't miss anything.

Oh, my God!

We are now on the
road less traveled.

From now on,
there is a new order:

we dance to the
rhythm of the road.

All right, now don't
worry about anything.

There's got to be an access road

leading back on to that turnoff.

Where is it?

Where is it?

Oh, it's always in the crack!

So is life, Dad.

I got say, I was pretty anxious,

but I'm starting to
like this free spirit stuff.

Dad, Dad, look!

There's an historical
marker up ahead.

Let's stop. Let's
go see it, huh?

Oh, yes, driving
wherever you feel like it.

It's educational, Dad.

There! There! There!

There! There! There!

What did it say?

I have no idea.

The only word I
saw was "legendary."

Oh, look, a roadside stand.

Fresh fruit...

homemade apple
cider... Oh, that's good.

Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!

Dad! Dad! Dad!

Oh!

Dad, you seem to be missing
the freewheeling concept.

We're supposed to go

where the wind blows
us, for God's sakes.

It's blowing, we're going.

Why you moaning?

What is this obsession you have

with covering a
certain distance?

It's just the way I relax.

Say, watch it! ( horn blowing)

I got my kids in the car!

Whoa!

What you call relaxing

seems like a man with
an obsession to me.

Don't you think so, Niles?

Niles, what are you doing?

Making a vacation video...

Something that we can
look at years from now,

over and over and over
again. Just give me that.

Okay, you guys want
to stop so bad, we'll stop.

See that sign over there?

"Have your picture taken
with a live grizzly bear.

Marvella's Souvenirs
and Gifts, one mile."

I always wanted

to have my picture
taken with a bear.

Well, some dreams
cannot be denied.

Okay, Dad. All right,
you're good here.

You're good on my side, Dad.

All right, just go ahead
and ease her right over.

It's never too early
to change lanes.

Oh, my God. It must be genetic.

( barking)

Get your dog away from my bear.

I just had him cleaned.

DAPHNE: He's stuffed.

Your sign said a "live" bear.

It's an old sign.

Would you look at that view?

It's like we're really there.

Yes, but if we were
actually there, Dad,

we'd be whizzing by
it at 50 miles an hour.

Frasier, look.

It's the gourmet
food department.

Oh, homemade deer jerky.

"No sampling."

No problem.

Okay, excuse me, would
you take our picture please?

Niles, Frasier, come on up here.

Okay, everybody, all right.

Here we go... everybody ready?

Now, what should we do?

Well, how about this?

That's great. I like that.

Okay, everybody... Eddie?

Now, before I take it, you
know it's $10 Canadian.

Oh, for a treasured memory
like this what's money?

Okay, one...

Why would she want
Canadian dollars?

'Cause we're in
Canada. Two... three.

( screams)

We're in Canada?

Yeah. We crossed the
border a little while ago.

You were taking a nap.

But I can't be in Canada.

I'm not allowed

to leave the United States.

Why?

Because I don't have
me green card yet.

Oh, this is just perfect.

Three months till
me final interview.

The one thing they told me
not to do was leave the country.

And what do you do?

Wait until the first
time I fall asleep

and drag me across
the bleeding border.

They're never going
to let me back in.

They have to take you back.

It's not your fault.

This wouldn't have happened
if you weren't so hell-bent

on getting so many miles
under your belt today.

Well, you're the one who had
to go where the wind blows.

( both arguing)

( blows duck call)

Never mind whose fault it is.

I'm stuck here.

What am I going to do?

We'll just go to the
authorities and explain.

I'm sure mishaps like
this happen all the time.

Oh, get real, Niles,
they got the rules.

Then what's your solution, Dad?

We just sneak her
back across the border.

That's called smuggling.

Oh, thanks, Niles.

I knew it was
something bad guys did,

I just didn't know
the technical term.

Dad, I can't believe
that you, of all people...

A former policeman...

Are actually suggesting
that we commit a felony.

Oh, I've crossed
this border plenty.

99 times out of 100

the guards just peek in the
door and wave you through.

It's no big deal.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Oh, what if they pull us over?

MARTIN: Well, then
Daphne's got to convince them

that she's an American.

Bloody right.

It beats having me bum
bounced back across the pond.

Let's give it a bash.

Oh, yes, this is foolproof.

NILES: I'm about to defraud

the United States
Immigration Department.

Not just me, my father,
my older brother...

The people who should
be role models for me.

It's not my fault I'm the
product of a bad environment.

Now listen, on the off-chance
the guard asks you a question,

can you say anything
in an American accent?

( American accent): Sure.

Okay, what?

You just heard it.

What?

Sure.

That's it. That's all I can say.

Oh, I need a cup of tea.

Tea!

Why don't you just
wave a crumpet in the air

and start singing
"God Save the Queen"?

Don't you snap at her, Frasier.

You're a psychiatrist.

You should be in better
control of your emotions.

Oh, my God, there's the border!

I can see the line of cars!

All right, all right, now
everybody calm down.

We're going to be fine.

Just remember, they're
going to be looking

for suspicious behavior.

Niles, that qualifies.

All right, now,

if the guard pokes
his head in here

what did we say
he's going to see?

ALL: Four carefree Americans.

I've never been so nervous.

Actually, I don't think
there's any need to be.

It looks like they're
waving everybody through.

They're not even
asking any questions.

Please, please, please...

FRASIER: Okay,
they're waving us through.

They're waving us through.

They're pulling us over.

( whimpering):
They're pulling us over.

MARTIN: Here comes the guard.

DAPHNE: I can't do this.

Now, everything's going
to be fine... don't worry.

Just remember to
keep your answers short.

People who have
something to hide

always talk too much.

Hi, folks.

Hi. Hi.

Did you have a
good time in Canada?

Oh, great. Canada, wow.

What was the purpose
of your trip to Canada, sir?

Fun.

I see.

And where were you born, sir?

Seattle, Washington.

Oh, you want to
know what country.

Well, America, of course.

I'm quite an American
really. I vote all the time,

and always for the law
and order guy. You know...

That's fine, sir.

I don't need anymore detail.

And you, Miss?

Did you enjoy Canada?

Sure.

And the weather?

Sure... sure.

Is this your vehicle, sir?

No.

Yes-yes, well, I rented it.

It's American-made, you see.

I always look for
that union label.

I just need your
license and registration.

Oh, right. It's right here

in the little side pocket here.

There's the registration.

Let me get my
license out for you.

Here we are.

Stay right here.

Well, I certainly can
depend on my gang, can't I?

That's it, I am
going to be arrested.

We're all getting arrested.

Yes, but I have
delicate features.

Prison will be hell for me.

Cool it, Niles.

It's too late to turn back.

I say we make a run for it.

Oh, great idea.

A high-speed chase in
an eight-ton motor home.

It would make an
amusing anecdote

for the Border Guard Newsletter.

All right, everybody
just shut up.

Now, you keep babbling like this

they're going to
catch us for sure.

He's coming back.

Well, these check out.

Well, we're all strictly
on the up and up.

Miss, you've been very quiet.

Is there something
I should know here?

You seem awfully nervous.

May I have your name, please?

Oh, all right.

I guess I should have
known better than to try this.

Dad, don't.

It was just a mistake.

You may just want to back off.

What is it you want to say, sir?

We were trying to
put one over on you.

Eddie!

We don't have a rabies
certificate for the dog.

I knew something
was going on here.

Yeah, well, you see, we
weren't planning on coming here

and when we got to the
border, we just forgot all about it.

Yes. And I, for one,
didn't even know

that you needed one.

Yes, but ignorance of
the law is no defense

so take the little dog
away, and we'll be off.

Look, this is my fault.

If you're worried we picked
the dog up here in Canada...

Well, we didn't.

I mean, I got a
picture I can show you.

Here's a picture of him

taken at the Seattle
Space Needle.

I see you got a badge there.

Oh, yeah.

You a policeman?

Retired... 30 years on
the Seattle police force.

Me, of all people,
should know better, huh?

Definitely. Absolutely.

Sure.

Next time, remember
the rabies certificate.

Have a safe trip home.

Thanks, officer.

Thank you.

( cheers)

Drive.

( Eddie barks)

Oh, they would have
returned you eventually.

So, Dad, how long
till we get home?

Oh, about two hours.

This highway goes
right into Seattle.

Why don't you lean
back, take a little nap?

Oh, no, I'm okay.

I thought maybe
we'd chat a little bit.

Oh, yeah, great.

You know, Frasier,
I just can't help it.

When we're alone together

I just don't know
what the hell to say.

I'm sure you figured out

that's why I asked
Daphne to come along.

Well, I had my suspicions,

but, um, I had hoped
that it wasn't the case.

Oh, knock it off.

That's why you asked
Niles to come along, too.

Well, that's why I asked him,

but that's not why he came.

Well, the funny thing,

we didn't have such
a bad time, did we?

( chuckling)

"I see you got a badge there."

"Oh, yeah."

Pretty slick, huh?

Yeah.

( sighs)

You know, Dad,

there's no reason
to cut our trip short.

According to this map,

we're not that far
from Yellowstone.

Oh, I always wanted
to see Old Faithful.

Me, too.

Yeah, if you want
a real adventure

we could drop these two
Sleeping Beauties off home first.

Do you mean it?

Just the two of us... alone?

Yeah.

Just you and me, father and son?

Yeah, you and me camping
out in Yellowstone all alone.

All by ourselves.

Well, you know, it
would be a shame

if Daphne didn't get to
see those Indian paint pots.

Yes, of course.

They are a real
miracle of nature.

Yeah.

Wouldn't be fair to leave Niles

just to ramble around in
that old house all by himself.

Maris out of town,
that'd be cruel.

Yeah, absolutely.

So, how long do you
figure it will take us

to get to Yellowstone?

Well, if we drive all night
we'll be there tomorrow.

Oh, that would be a nice
surprise for the two of them

when they wake
up in the morning.

Yeah. I got a better
surprise than that.

Let's tell Daphne
we're in Mexico.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night,
Seattle! We love you!