Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 20 - Fortysomething - full transcript

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Hello, Rachel. I'm listening.

Oh. Thanks for taking
my call, Dr. Crane.

I'm involved in sort of
a strange love triangle.

Oh, goody. This is sweeps week.

You see, I recently
married a widower

Now, Phil is a real good man

he's a kind man, but
there's just one little problem.

He insists on keeping an
urn with his late wife's ashes

on the dresser in our bedroom.

That is a definite "Yikes!"



See? I knew that wasn't normal.

He says it is, but
I knew it wasn't.

Rachel, now listen.

Before you go off half-cocked

let's try to remember that

this is a very sensitive
issue for your husband.

Those ashes obviously
mean a great deal to him

though I don't
believe it's appropriate

that he keep them
in the bedroom.

I suppose you could
move them to another room.

Well, I guess I could try that.

Maybe I'll move them
into the guest room.

( crash)

Oops!



Rachel, what happened?

Oh... Oh, nothing.

I better run, Dr. Crane.

I've got some vacuuming to do.

Well...

as Rachel helps Phil's
first wife off the floor

we have reached the
end of our second hour.

We'll be right
back after the news

so please join me
again, Frasier Crane

and my invaluable producer...

uh...

uh...

Roz.

Roz.

KACL talk radio, 780 AM.

Roz, I'm so sorry.

Your name was right
there in front of me

and I just couldn't
put my finger on it.

Oh, forget about
it. I already have.

It's been happening
to me a lot lately.

Last night, I walked
into the kitchen

and I just stood there.

I couldn't remember
what I'd gone in there for.

Don't make
yourself crazy over it.

It's completely normal.

Okay. Oh, by the way

your hairstylist called to
confirm your appointment.

I made an appointment with Timo?

I don't remember that.

Because you didn't.

I was just Gaslighting you.

That is not funny.

Oh, lighten up.

Here. Sign these.

So, are you going to say it

or are you going to make me wait

till the end of the day?

Say what?

Happy birthday.

It is not your birthday.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, it is.

Oh, Roz, I'm so sorry.

Let me take you out to lunch

or something after work, okay?

You are so easy!

Oh, that's it! I'm out of here!

Hey, wait, wait, wait.

Aren't you forgetting something?

No, I am not forgetting
anything, thank you, Roz.

Okay, well, can't
blame a girl for trying.

Five, four, three, two...

We're back.

( dog growling)

Ten.

15-Two.

No, Eddie, no.

Dad, would you ask your dog
to stop burrowing at my shoes?

I'll have you know

I had to wait six months
to have these shipped

from a little blind
cobbler in Seville.

He won't stop

till you scratch
him behind the ear.

Oh, all right, Eddie, all right.

I'm beginning to think I
have an affinity for animals.

Would either of you mind

if I noodle at the piano a bit?

Would it really stop
you if we said yes?

Point well taken.

( playing Beethoven's
Sonata no. 5, Op. 10, No. 1)

( hits clinker)

That's strange.

For the life of me

I can't remember
what the next note is.

( begins again)

( hits clinker again)

I know this piece
backwards and forwards.

Perhaps, if you start at the end

you'll have better luck.

( begins again)

( plays series of wrong notes)

Oh, come on, Frasier,
you know how it goes.

It goes, da-da-da-da...

Oh, thank you, Dad.

Now it's perfectly clear.

( starts at trouble spot)

( fumbles again)

That was very nice, son.

How about something
from South Pacific?

I'm sorry. I'm
just getting fed up

with this nonsense.

I keep forgetting
names all the time.

Last week, twice, I forgot
where I parked my car.

Join the club, pal.

You're getting older.

Well, of course
I'm getting older.

We're all getting older.

I'm not that old.

I'm afraid Dad may have a point.

I know you'd like to believe

we're still the same devilish
sprigs we always were

sitting on mother's davenport

in our tweeds and tams

listening to the "Texaco
Symphonic Hour"...

but the cold, hard reality is

you're middle-aged.

Niles, I'm 41.

That's hardly middle-aged.

Middle-aged is more like 50, 55.

Only if you live to be 110.

I'm all ready to go, Dr. Crane.

Niles, where are you two off to?

I'm giving Daphne a lift.

I'm meeting some
of me girlfriends

for darts and a couple of pints.

It's best to do
it in that order.

Just ask Blind
Willie, the bartender.

Listen, Daphne, before you go

I'd like to ask you a
little question here.

When you look at me

do you see me as a young
man or as an older man?

Oh, no. No, you don't.

You're not getting
me into that Vietnam.

I learned a long time ago

there are three questions
you never answer honestly:

"How old do I look?"

"Do you like me hair?"

and, "Was it good for you, too?"

Coming, Dr. Crane?

Dr. Crane?

I'm sorry. I was someplace else.

It was a warm
and friendly place.

Big surprise. I got a headache.

I need to get an aspirin.

The very suggestion that
I'm descending into old age

just because I can't
remember a couple of names

or a tune on the piano.

Your arm's not quite
long enough for that, is it?

Let me ask you a few questions.

Can you still get
through the night

without having to get
up to go to the john?

Can you get in
and out of a chair

without going ( groans)?

Can you eat a slice of pizza

less than 12 hours
before you go to bed?

What's on the pizza?

I thought so. All right.

Well, now that we've established

you're middle-aged,
take some advice:

Don't fight it,

It'll go a lot easier.

Good Lord, Dad, what
are you suggesting?

I'm going to rush off
to a plastic surgeon

to get an eye lift
and a chin tuck?

Oh, dear God.

I'm just telling you

when guys get to this stage

they do some squirrely things

that they never would have done

when they were younger.

Dad, please, spare
me. I am a psychiatrist

I know the routine.

Good Lord! Who is that?

That's me...

In '74... going through
my own little stage.

I died my hair jet black

and bought a leather jacket
and a Harley-Davidson.

My God, Dad, you look like
one of the Village People.

Well, fortunately, I
came to my senses

before you got back
from Harvard that summer.

Are those love beads?

All right, that's enough.

Just do me a favor, will you?

Keep your guard up

and don't do something
stupid, all right?

Okay, Dad.

You might think it's
tough being middle-aged

but think about me.

I got a son who's middle-aged.

( groans)

I heard that.

Say, didn't this used to be
Pinsky's department store?

I have no idea.

Sure, it was.

We used to bring you
kids here all the time.

Man, it was a great store.

You could buy lingerie, a bag
of popcorn and transmission fluid

all under the same roof.

Finally something
I'm glad I forgot.

Well, Mr. Crane

I believe I came
here on a mission.

All right, but
remember I don't want

anything fancy or
that comes in tubes.

I want them white,
I want them plain

and I want them boxers.

That's exactly the kind
of lack of imagination

that sunk the British empire.

Hey, Frasier, check
out these dress pants.

They got elastic
panels in the waist.

You can eat all you want

and never worry
about cutting off

your circulation.

Milan must be beside itself.

What an innovative
use of synthetic fibers.

I believe, if you recycle these

they can turn them
into milk containers.

Are you going to
get them or not?

You brought these over for me?

The sands of time
are shifting, buddy

mostly south.

Now, listen, if you don't
want to go with elastic

maybe you can
go with suspenders.

That way, if you keep
your jacket closed

that little gut of yours
can hang down to here

and nobody's the wiser.

I do not have a gut.

I have contours.

Excuse me.

I was wondering if
anyone was helping you?

Oh, no! She's looking
at something with stripes!

Daphne! Daphne,
get away from there!

Come on! Let's go!

You're not thinking of
getting those, are you?

I have something
much better over here.

What do you think of these?

They don't do much on the hanger

but they could really work
on a nice, tall guy like you.

Oh, you really think so?

Oh, yeah. You've
got a great build.

Oh, well, thank
you very much, uh...

Carrie.

Ah. Carrie.

Let's see what we
can get working here.

Um... this is kind
of a young look

but you could
really pull it off.

I don't really think it's me.

Are you sure?

I think this would look
really good on you.

Well, I suppose
I could try it on

but, well, you know,
just out of curiosity

how old do you think I am?

Oh, I don't want to do that.

Oh, no, no, no.
Please, go ahead.

I don't know, um... 36?

Are you serious?

God, I'm sorry.

You're probably more like 34.

Now you don't want to
buy anything from me.

Are those Armani
shirts expensive?

Yeah.

I'll take two.

Great.

Changing room's right this way.

You know, I love to guess
what my customers do

by what they wear.

Let me guess...

You're an architect, right?

No. I'm a psychiatrist.

Oh. I've taken some
psychology courses.

What are you...
Freudian? Reichian?

Well, actually, lately

I've been leaning
more towards Jung.

I guess that's because
I'm just "Jung" at heart.

That's got to be the oldest joke

in the psychiatrists' joke book.

I can't even believe I said it.

I can't believe I
laughed at that.

Oh. I bet you laugh at
all your customers' jokes.

No. Just the cute ones.

Cute jokes or customers?

You figure it out.

Hey, you about ready?

Oh, just a second, Dad.

I'm trying on a pair of pants.

Hey, did you notice that girl

that came over and
asked to help us earlier?

Sure, I noticed
her. I'm not dead.

Well, you know, we just
had a little conversation

a minute ago

and I could swear
she was flirting with me.

Trust me, son...

She's on commission.

Oh, no. I know a sales
pitch when I hear one

and that was no sales pitch.

She is definitely
interested in me.

I'll just have to see
where this may lead.

I know you're
forgetting things lately

but don't you
remember the little talk

we had last night?

Oh, dear. It sneaks right
up on you, doesn't it?

What am I thinking?

A 41-year-old man
going out with a girl

that's 22, 23...

Yeah. Young enough
to be your daughter.

Yes. Thank you for
pointing that out, Dad.

This is Dr. Frasier
Crane, KACL 780 talk radio

thanking you for
joining us today.

Up next, Bob "Bulldog" Brisco
and the Gonzo Sports Show.

Until tomorrow, here's
wishing you good mental health.

Hey, Doc, hear the great news?

Ken Griffey Jr.'s groin
pull has completely healed.

Thank goodness.

Two years from now, we'll
all remember where we were

the moment we
heard the joyful news.

Excuse me, Dr. Crane?

Hi, Carrie.

Hi. I have your pants.

Whoa, Doc!

( honks horn)

Where'd you leave them?

They're new, Bulldog.

Some of the finer
department stores

deliver garments to
their busier customers.

Actually, we don't.

I just thought it'd be
nice to see you again.

Excuse me.

You look very familiar.

Didn't I let you pour

a flaming tequila
shooter down my throat

at Sloppy Nick's during
last year's Indy 500?

Uh... no.

Well, what you doing
next Memorial Day?

Bulldog, as certain as I am

that any young lady in the world

would love to set
your face on fire

Carrie, I believe,
is here to see me.

Okay. Hey, you can't
blame a dog for trying.

Just on the off chance it
might make a difference

I drive a '94 Camaro.

Is he gay?

Well, I've been studying
about this in school

and it seems like he's
really overcompensating.

Well, I'm not sure, but
I certainly look forward

to running that theory by him.

Well, thank you for
the pants, Carrie.

And do I owe you anything?

Oh, no.

I really enjoyed
meeting you yesterday

and it seemed like we
had a few laughs together

and maybe we could, you know

go out and have a
cup of coffee sometime.

Listen, Carrie,
I'm very flattered

that you'd like
to go out with me

and I think you're a
beautiful young woman...

But?

Well, it's our ages.

How old are you?

22.

How old are you?

That's not polite.

I just don't think it would
be appropriate for us to date.

How about we just live together?

I'm just trying

to lighten an
uncomfortable moment.

Right. Ha-ha! Well done.

Well, I'm sorry, but if
you change your mind

you know where I am.

Enjoy your pants.

Same to you.

I only got a second here, but...

Hello! Anyone there?

She wanted to go out with you.

You didn't have to chase her.

You didn't have to harass her.

You didn't have to pay her.

It was like a miracle.

She's too young!

Are you following any of this?

I don't expect
you to understand.

Great. 'Cause I don't.

No. I'm not. So you're
not going out with her?

Good. Gonna see

if I can catch up with
her at the elevator..

Maybe she's never dated

a former professional
hockey player before.

You've never played hockey.

It's like we're from
different planets.

Talk about pathetic.

Yeah. Isn't he, though?

I meant you.

Me? Are you saying I
should go out with her?

Frasier, take it from me.

It's hard enough
to find somebody

so when an opportunity
like this comes along

you got to grab it.

Yeah, Roz, but what
about the age thing?

Oh, come on!
Well, what about it?

You see an old man
walking down the street

arm in arm with a beautiful
young girl, what do you think?

I think he must be really rich.

Then I try to make eye contact.

There you are, Frasier.

I'm so glad you called me.

Well, thanks for coming, Niles.

Some of Maris' friends
introduced me to the most

delightful party
game last night.

I can't wait to
share it with you.

Well, Niles, I'd
really like to talk.

This first. It's a hoot.

All right...

If you were stranded
on a desert island

with one meal, one aria
and one bottle of wine

what would they be?

Niles, I really don't...

Frasier.

Okay.

A Big Mac, "I'm Your
Venus" and Ripple.

If you're going to mock
the game, then don't play.

Gladly.

Are you still cramped up about
this middle-aged business?

No, no, no. I'm fine there.

By the way, you were
absolutely right, Niles.

Ooh! I love to
hear you say that.

But I do have a problem.

You see, the other
day, I was asked out

by this 22-year-old girl
that I met in the mall.

That is alarming.

Well, I turned her down.

No, no. You were in a
mall. Did anyone see you?

Niles! No, I'm just wondering

if I made the right decision.

You see, I mean, I would
love to go out with this girl.

She's fantastic. I'm
just afraid of looking

like some old fool
chasing after a young girl...

Becoming a walking
midlife crisis cliche...

Running around like that buffoon

Stanley Barrister.

Oh, Stanley Barrister...

That is embarrassing.

Is it not beyond the pale?

That girl... how old
could she possibly be?

21, if she's a day.

That's what's so
frightening. My God!

I saw them last
Tuesday night together.

I saw them together
Wednesday morning.

Ew! Ew!

That's disgusting.

This is what I'm afraid of.

People will have the same
conversation about me.

Stanley Barrister
is a 60-year-old man

who wears a toupee
that looks like something

he pulled out of a shower drain.

You are 41 and obviously
not wearing a toupee.

Thank you, Niles.

So you think it would be okay
to go out with this woman?

It doesn't matter what I think.

It does to me. You're my
brother. I value your opinion.

My opinion isn't relevant.

Don't be coy, Niles

And would you please
stop pursing your lips?

I makes you look like
one of those old women

they carve out of dried apples.

Don't you see?

What I think about you dating
a younger woman is immaterial.

What we think about
Stanley Barrister is immaterial.

The only thing that
matters is what you think.

Ask yourself:

If you went out with
her, would you be doing it

because you're running
away from your age

or because you think
this has the potential

to become a
meaningful relationship?

I don't know.

Find out, and then to
hell with what people think.

Niles, you are absolutely right.

Oh, there it is again.

I never tire of hearing that.

Let the tongues of the
doubting nabobs wag.

If it feels right,
make yourself happy.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, by the way, Niles

if you were stranded
on a desert island

what would you choose as
your favorite meal, aria and wine?

The Coulibiac of
Salmon at Guy Savoy

"Vissa d'Arte" from Tosca

and the Cote du Rhone
Chateauneuf du Pape '47.

You are so predictable.

Carrie, hi.

Hi. I didn't expect
to see you here.

Well, I could lie to you

and tell you that I
came down to shop

but actually I came to see you.

That's great. I've been
thinking about you a lot.

I've been thinking
a lot about you, too

and I just wanted
to chat a little bit

about why I thought
we shouldn't go out.

Okay.

See, well, I thought

I was going through a phase...

Well, a midlife
crisis, to be frank...

And I was afraid that,
if I went out with you

I would be trying to just
recapture my youth or something.

Oh, my God. I can't
believe you're saying this.

I was afraid that
I asked you out

only because I was
trying to work out

some stuff of my own, you know?

Some unresolved issues
about my father or something.

Oh, no, no. So I went
back and forth, you know?

I felt like a fool,
and then I didn't...

Me, too... back and forth.

And maybe you just came along

to fill some sort of a
need or something.

Or maybe this could
be something serious.

Exactly. So, well... all right.

I asked myself a
few tough questions.

Me, too.

I finally came to a decision.

Me, too. I think us going out
would have been really stupid.

Me, too.

It would have completely clouded

things with my father

and you and I would never
have been on a firm footing.

But you knew all that.

You could have told me

but you just let me
figure it out for myself.

Yes. I'm sort of like
the Wizard of Oz.

It's no wonder everybody
listens to your radio show.

You're so smart.

Actually, I am full of crap.

I had no idea that
you might be grappling

with some personal issues here.

Some psychiatrist, huh?

Look, the truth is
I came down here

to try to talk you into
going out with me.

And I guess it's still

a pretty bad idea.

You're being so honest with me.

That is such an
attractive quality in a man.

Well, you know, let's...

Let's not go down
that road again.

Okay.

See you around.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Quite stylish ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again ♪

♪ Scrambled eggs
all over my face ♪

♪ What is a boy to do? ♪

Good night!