Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 19 - Give Him the Chair! - full transcript

I would like to depart
from my usual format

because I read a book that...

It truly just knocked
my mental socks off.

It's called "The Menopausal Male".

Its author, the psychiatric scholar
Dr Helmut Bruga,

has agreed to join us today from
the University of Washington.

Dr Bruga, guten Tag. I've been an
admirer of yours for a long time.

(Dr Bruga) 'l enjoy your show as well.'

Really?

'Yes. Though I do not in most cases
agree with your analysis.'

Back to your book.



We're familiar with the changes that
occur in the female menopause, but...

'Excuse me, Dr Crane.
May I say hello to Roz?'

Yes, of course.

- 'Hello, Roz.'
- Hello, Dr Bruga.

Your research indicates that
the reproductive imperative

is reawakened
in later life when a man is...

'You have a very sensuous voice.'

Thank you.

- 'Not you. Roz.'
- Yes, well, back to male menopause...

'Would you like to go to a movie,
maybe grab a bite?'

Well, that would be very...

No, thank you very much.

Thank you for joining us, Dr Bruga,
and for so vividly proving your point.

- 'You will give Roz my number?'
- Oh, I think Roz has your number.



(Doorbell)

- Oh, hello, Dr Crane.
- Hello, Daphne. Is this a bad time?

Your brother isn't home,
your father's out walking Eddie.

Oh, darn the luck.

I stopped by to drop off
this necklace for Maris.

I'll hide it here till her birthday.

- I'm sure it will be fine. Mind if I peek?
- Not at all.

Oh!

My! Emeralds!
Your practice must be doing well.

Who'd have thought the mentally
disturbed had this much money?

- Would you like to try it on?
- Oh, yes! Wouldn't Mrs Crane mind?

No. Maris is the soul of generosity.

Just last week, she donated all her old
cocktail dresses to a homeless shelter.

Oh, let me just
get my hair out of the way.

Oh! Oh, my!

- Can you see them?
- Oh, yes, thank you.

Hello, Niles.
Whatever are you doing here?

I bought an emerald necklace for Maris,
and I needed someplace to hide it.

Emeralds? Well, may I see it?

Not at the moment, no.

- Why not?
- It's down me blouse.

I see. Well, I'm sure Maris will
never think of looking for it there.

It slipped down there
when I was trying it on. I'll go extract it.

Just call me butterfingers.

Join a health club, Niles.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Dad.

- Niles, what brings you by?
- I'm hiding Maris' birthday gift.

Oh, it's that time again.
I guess I'll have to get her something.

Too bad.
I just got back from the hardware store.

I saw a great ratchet set.

As if there's anything left on her
that needs tightening.

- Oh, Dad, no, not more duct tape!
- Yeah...

I got to repair a little split
in the old throne here.

Got to catch these rips early,
or they look like hell.

- Why don't I bring the Eames here?
- Oh, no.

I need a comfortable place
for my fanny.

- (Whispers) How about Florida?
- I heard that.

I put all this care
into decorating my home,

only to have it mocked by this atrocity.

It is your home. Why don't you
just make him get rid of it?

It's not so simple. One would
have to find the right moment.

One should consider Dad's feelings.

- He is attached to this little chair.
- You're afraid to stand up to him!

Oh, like you're not!

At least I don't have to
live with something unattractive.

I'm just having some fun with you.
I think Maris is rather attractive

in a minimalist sort of way.

Oh, forget it.
I'm just upset about the chair.

There's a sound psychological basis
for getting rid of this chair.

- Oh, really? Enlighten me, Doctor.
- With pleasure.

Originally, Dad needed it to bridge
the transition from his old apartment.

But, as with all transitional objects,
be they a teddy bear,

be they a thumb, be they a blanky...

Stop saying "be they"!

The point is,
there comes a time when you must

put these security objects aside
and reassert your independence.

Yes, of course. So you're saying that
if I should go down to the store,

buy Dad a new chair and throw
this one away, I'd be doing it for him?

It would be a payback for when he used
your blanky to clean his revolver.

Oops, I'm sorry. Our time is up.

Dear God, Frasier, we've stumbled
upon hell's waiting room.

This is not for the faint of heart.
We're treading a thin line here.

We need something that complements
my decor and pleases Dad.

Oh, dear God! How could anyone have
something like that in their living room?

It looks like
it's upholstered in golf pants.

Perhaps you could help us?

- Perhaps.
- We need a chair.

- We got 'em.
- Wait.

We'd like one with
the presence of a Mies van der Rohe,

and the insouciance of a Le Corbusier.

This one vibrates.

Perhaps you could direct us to
your recliners, preferably one in suede.

People seem to like this Lazy Guy.

What do they call the deluxe model:
the Hopeless Slackass?

Oh, hey!
What about this one over here?

That would not look
altogether hideous in my living room.

Have a seat.
It's got Swedish massage.

- No, thanks.
- No, no. Go ahead. Try it out.

- I'll fire it up for you.
- That won't be necessary.

I like to sit in my chair, not vibrate.

Thank you any... Oh! Ooh!

- It also has shiatsu.
- Ohh...

I never knew a chair
could be this satisfying.

I never knew anything could.
I want it!

I'm sure it would fit in
with Maris' antiques?!

Then I'll just rent it an apartment
and visit it on the side.

Why don't you have a try yourself?

No. You see,
I'm buying it for my father...

- You must sit in it.
- Who knows other people's tastes?

Something seems wrong...
Turn on this.

Ohh... Oh, mommy!

(Barks and growls)

Eddie! What is the matter with him?

He saw your father's chair was gone.

He's afraid your father's gone too.
He suspects foul play.

Stop it! If I'd stuck Dad's feet in cement
and thrown him into Puget Sound,

you would have been
the tiny little splash that followed him!

(Doorbell)

Oh, that must be Leo!
Wait till you see this!

- Make way.
- Just be careful.

Watch the furniture and the walls.

Excuse me, but I'm a professional.
I take pride in my work...

How did that get there? At least
I didn't lose my licence this time.

- Quickly!
- I'm sure Beavis

will start to wonder where you are.

Leo, we're having a problem
with a leaky faucet in the sink.

- Where would that be?
- In the kitchen, dear.

That wasn't a dumb question.
You got bathrooms too.

None that you'll be going
anywhere near.

It's lovely!

I thought the other one was nice,
but this is smashing!

Try it out.
And it has a little surprise.

Ooh. This is comfy.

Although it's a little on the soft side.

I prefer...

Hello.

Ohh... Ohh... Ohh...

This is enough
to make me give up me search

for a meaningful relationship.

Oh, quick! Dad! Get out!

Oh, all right! Just like a man!

Now you've had your fun,
you don't care where I am!

- Hey there.
- Hi, Dad. I've got a surprise for you.

- What's that?
- It's your new easy chair!

Well, what do you know about that?

- Where's my old chair?
- In the storage space. Try this.

Look, I appreciate this, Frasier,

but that... It really isn't me.

Dad, you haven't even sat in it yet.
Come on down, Martin Crane.

That's disgusting!

I'm sorry, but I'm a creature of habit.
I think I'd rather have my old chair back.

But why? This chair is a lot more
comfortable and it's therapeutic.

I know, I just never cared for leather.

You stick to it in hot weather,
you can't sit in it in shorts.

It makes my back sweat. Black's hot.

I'm sorry, I just couldn't get used to it.

All right. The important thing is that you
lived with it for a full 15 seconds. Leo!

Leo, bring Mr Crane's chair back.

- Sorry, Fish 'n' Chips. Someone took it.
- What?

Someone broke into my storage space
and stole the chair?

- Storage space?
- That's where I told you to put it!

Not another day like last Tuesday.

- Where is it?
- It was snagged from the dumpster.

- I almost kept it myself.
- You threw it away! You happy now?

You have to find it.
I don't care what you have to do.

- Just find the chair!
- "Dump the chair, get the chair."

- Am I the building lackey?
- YES!

Oh, OK.

Well, if no one's going to want this,
we could put it in my room.

Maybe later. You two talk it over.

You've been trying to get rid of it
from the day I moved in!

You could at least show
a little gratitude. I did this for you.

- Like hell!
- You think I lost it on purpose?

Let me tell you something.
That chair was the only thing

that made me feel comfortable,
like maybe this was my home too.

Ever since you got here,
I've tried to make you comfortable.

But why?
Everybody knows Martin Crane

doesn't like calfskin!
He prefers duct tape!

And food crumbs!

There we are. And let's have a dribble
of beer while we're at it! Delightful!

Let's not forget, to top it all off,
just the slightest bit of dog hair, hmm?

I suppose you'll throw Eddie out next?

We're talking about
a 25-year-old broken-down chair!

If you don't like this chair,
I'll get you any one you want!

All right, I'll tell you what chair I want.

The chair I was in
when Armstrong walked on the Moon

and when the US hockey team
beat the Russians.

The one I was in when you called me
to say I had a grandson.

The one I was in all those nights
when your mother used to

wake me up with a kiss
after I'd fallen asleep in front of the TV.

I still fall asleep in it.

Every once in a while when I wake up,

I still expect your mother
to be there to lead me off to bed.

Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.

Come on, Eddie.

- How was your weekend?
- Hellish.

Let me tell you what happened to me.

I had the most incredible date Saturday!
It was really hot!

- Sunday, I'm driving home...
- Sunday?

I told you it was hot.

My car breaks down
in front of a church,

people are coming out after the show...

- Service.
- What?

Churches have services.

- Can I finish my story?
- All right.

Thank you.
So, I walk up to the minister.

I ask him if I can use his phone,

and he tells me
my sweater's on inside out.

We have a date tonight.
Ministers aren't celibate, are they?

Not that I don't love a challenge.

Maybe you should take a sick day,
call into the show yourself.

You're on the air.

Good afternoon.
This is Dr Frasier Crane.

Before I take my first caller,
I'd like to make a personal appeal.

Saturday, my father's chair was taken
from outside the Elliot Bay Towers.

It's a runny, split-pea green
and mud-brown striped recliner

with some stuffing popping out
from underneath a strip of duct tape.

I'm offering a handsome reward
for its safe return. Thank you.

- Who's on line one?
- It's John...

So remember, Stephanie, a little
emotional flexibility is a good thing.

Just as the mighty oak
snaps and falls in a windstorm,

so the weeping willow bends
and lives to see another day.

Thank you.
So, any update on the chair?

- The calls have been pouring in.
- Really? What are they?

Spotted at the top of the Space Needle,
in the Governor's mansion...

One man saw it flying over his house,

but thought
it was just a tacky spaceship.

Funny stuff, people.
Let's just go to commercial break

so you all can chuckle through
these words from Yukon Lumber.

Ingrates!

I clear away their psychic debris,
and this is how they repay me.

Uh-huh. I got it. He'll be there
after the show. Thank you.

- I found the chair!
- Oh, thank God!

By tonight, my dad will be safely back

in his beer-stained,
flea-infested, duct-taped recliner,

adjusting his shorts and
cheering on Jean-Claude van Damme.

Yes, it's quite a little piece of heaven
I've carved out for myself.

(Choking)

OK, OK, that was nice.

Er, but let's just remember,

there is a fine line between
good acting and hamming it up.

- Let's try again.
- Excuse me...

- I can't find my moustache.
- I can't remember any of my lines.

- I'm really nervous.
- Me too.

- Can you all come here for a second?
- Mrs Warren?

This isn't Broadway, it's junior high.
No reason at all to be nervous.

We'll go out there tonight in front of
family and friends and have fun, OK?

- OK!
- If one more thing goes wrong,

I'll have to take my own life.

- If I could have a word with you.
- Sorry.

In 45 minutes, a shaky production
of "Ten Little Indians" starts.

Oh. I recognised the mise en scène.
I did this play years ago.

"On the contrary,

"many a psychotic killer
appears to be quite normal.

"You can never suspect
that underneath that calm exterior

"there lies the heart
of a maniac. Ha-ha."

It happens to be true, by the way.

- Who are you?
- Oh, I'm Dr Frasier Crane.

From the radio. KACL talk...
Never mind.

I was told my chair would be here.

I'll just get this out of your hair,
if I may.

Excuse me. Right now this chair's
the most entertaining thing on stage.

- That's true, but...
- Ow! Ah!

Just run along to the nurse's office.
They'll have you back here soon.

I am so sick of being positive.

This chair belongs to my father,
and I must return it to him.

Sir, you can have it back in two weeks.

I'm in a difficult position.

Difficult? You want difficult?

I have a rickety set, a leading man
whose voice changed at 3:00 pm today,

and my name
is spelt wrong in the programme!

See what I did there? That's the kind
of anger I want in the accusation scene.

- I'll give you $200 for a new chair.
- Forget it.

Mrs Warren, I am speaking
to you now from the heart.

By putting this chair into the trash,
I have wounded my father.

It's just a chair to you. To him,
it is a treasure trove of memories.

I thoughtlessly discarded it
because I didn't like it in my living room!

I have sacrificed
heart and soul for form and function!

I am ashamed for that!

This chair is the last chance

to forge a meaningful relationship
with the only father I'll ever have!

People, were you all listening to that?

Because you can learn
a lot from this man.

That speech he just gave
is a perfect example

of the kind of hammy overacting
I don't want to see out of you.

- Hold on!
- Mrs Warren!

Bobby just threw up backstage!

Perfect. My Dr Armstrong
has opening-night jitters.

No, it's stomach flu.
He's in the nurse's office.

You'll have to cancel the performance.
Too bad. I'll just take this.

I can't cancel.
I have 300 parents in their cars already.

The American theatre will survive.

You can't do the show without
Dr Armstrong. That's the part I played.

- You played Dr Armstrong?
- Well, yes... Oh, no. You're not...

How badly do you want your chair?

I'm sorry. It's out of the question!

You know, it would be
a real shame if something...

Oh!...happened to this chair.

But it's been years!
I hardly can remember any of the lines!

Then you'll fit right in.

(Applause)

(Indistinct)

# Baby, I hear the blues a-calling
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

# Oh, my!

# And maybe I seem a bit confused
Yeah, maybe...but I got you pegged!

# But I don't know what to do with those
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

# They're calling again

# Scrambled eggs all over my face
What is a boy to do? #

Thank you!