Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 14 - Can't Buy Me Love - full transcript
Frasier takes part in a bachelor auction, where he is bought by a model, Kristina. Frasier, hoping to have sex with her, arranges an impressive dinner for them at his apartment. Kristina arrives at Frasier's apartment telling him that she has some quick business to take care of before their date and needs him to look after her daughter Renetta. Reluctant, Frasier realizes that his chances of getting sex from Kristina are better if he does this minor act of kindness. Frasier, always the psychiatrist, learns from Renetta that her mother is not a good person and neglects her often, causing him to rethink his beautiful date. It turns out to be a lie played by a vengeful teen to ruin her mothers night as Kristina truly is a good mother. She leaves, leaving Frasier stunned at how easy he was played. Meanwhile Daphne accidentally buys Bulldog, however her uneasiness quickly gives way to enjoyment when he splashes out for their date. On their way home from a game, a drunk Daphne picks a fight with a rude man in a traffic jam, who then rips Pitbull out of the limo and beats him while she drives away.
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT PICTURES
Four for 17 on Sunday, he
calls himself a quarterback?
I've passed kidney
stones with more accuracy.
MAN( on tape:) Hi yo!
Roz, Roz, listen,
could you go in there
and get my briefcase for me?
I was just on my way
out, but I left it in the studio.
Why don't you go get it?
Well, because every
time I go in there
he puts me on the
air and humiliates me.
Well, what do you
think he does to me?
Last week when I went
in to get my car keys
he introduced me as
Martina Navratilova's girlfriend.
Well, Chuck, I'm really
sorry I offended you.
Now, why don't you
put your skirt back on
and do some dishes?
The lines are open.
And how about
some real men calling in
instead of cry
babies like chuck?
( cries out)
Ah! Look who just crawled
in to the Doghouse...
It's Dr. Frasier Crane!
And you know what we always do
when we get a house
call from the doctor.
MAN WITH ITALIAN ACCENT:
Drop your pants and bend over.
I take your temperature.
Hello, Bulldog.
So, Doc, who's your pick for the
Giants/Saints game this weekend?
The Giants.
You're kidding.
The Saints.
You're kidding.
Well, somebody has to win.
Yeah, they would if
the Giants and Saints
were playing this weekend.
( donkey braying)
Yes, that was very funny indeed.
I wish you'd played
it on my show.
It deserves to be heard
by a much larger audience.
Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
( doorbell rings)
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Hello, Daphne.
I brought this for dinner.
Hey, Niles. Dad.
You're kind of early.
Well, I just put Maris
on the train to Chicago
and you know how desolate
I am without my Maris.
Champagne?
It goes with all occasions.
Can I be of any
assistance in the kitchen?
No, I have everything
well in hand.
Ah, well, lucky everything.
Mmm... Uh-uh...
Uh-uh...
All right, what would you do?
Well, for starters, I'd take
that corn nut off the board.
That corn nut's my bishop.
Eddie ate the real one.
In that case, corn
nut to rook seven.
Hello, all.
Evening, Dr. Crane.
Guess what your brother
brought... champagne.
Oh, Maris left
for Chicago already?
She's riding the
rails as we speak.
DAPHNE: If I may ask
why does she take the
train instead of flying?
She's been afraid to fly
since her harrowing incident.
Oh, dear, did her
plane almost crash?
No, no, she was
bumped from first class.
She still wakes up screaming.
Hey, Frasier, I got
a favor to ask you.
What is it, Dad?
Well, you know, my old
buddy from the force, Joe Linsky
is running the benefit for the
widows and orphans fund this year
and he's doing one of
those bachelor auctions
and he's out looking
for local celebrities
and I thought if we could
get somebody really famous
from the radio station...
Oh, Dad, say no more.
I'd be delighted to help.
Great! So you'll ask
Bulldog tomorrow?
Bulldog?
Oh, well, you know...
I... well, I mean...
( stuttering)
Don't get me wrong.
I mean, I was going
to ask you, too.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I was, I was.
I was just saving
the best for last.
Uh-huh.
Oh, Frasier, give him a break.
If he backpedals any faster
he'll trip over his walker.
All right, I'll do it.
Oh, great, I really
appreciate it.
You won't forget to
ask Bulldog, will you?
I'll leave a note
on his hydrant.
DAPHNE: A bachelor auction.
I've always felt it would be
fun to pick a man off the block
to do my bidding and
fulfill my every desire.
Dr. Crane?
I'd love to.
I mean... I'd...
Uh... Frasier?
I was just thinking.
What if no one bids?
What if you're
left standing there
with flop sweat
trickling down your back
amidst a great gaping silence?
It'll never happen, Niles.
Thank you, Dad.
Yeah, we got a band.
M.C.: Our next
bachelor on the block
is public television's own
cute and cuddly Mr. Science.
( women cheering and yelling)
My God, the estrogen level
is off the charts out there.
Yeah, isn't it great?
I mean, deep down,
chicks are just like guys.
We all want the same thing.
Well, I've got news for them...
Frasier Crane does not put out.
All they're getting for their little
donation is a well-prepared gourmet meal
and a handshake at the door.
Boring!
My date gets a stretch
limo, Moon roof, dinner
floor seats at the Sonics game
and these incredible
buns of steel.
Feel them, Doc.
Come on, feel them.
Thank you, no.
( women shouting)
M.C.: Ladies, please!
Keep your articles of
clothing off the stage!
Man, you show these women
a little celebrity beefcake
and they go nutso!
I don't mind telling you,
Dad, I'm a little bit nervous.
This is a textbook
case of mob mentality.
I hope all the fire exits
are clearly marked.
Ah, relax, relax, will you?
Oh, right, that's
easy for you to say.
You're not the one
jumping into the rottweiler pit
with a pork chop
around your neck.
Hey, Frasier, that's T.J. Smith.
He's a linebacker
for the Seahawks.
They call him "the enforcer."
He's put two quarterbacks in
the hospital already this season.
Hey, T.J., Marty Crane.
Nice to meet you!
Number 19?
Please don't make
me go out there.
Oh... you'll be fine.
Now, don't worry.
Just go on out there
and have a good time.
( screaming and yelling)
They're going to
have him for breakfast.
( door opens, women
screaming and yelling)
Hey, T.J., How was it, man?
It was horrible.
They're like sharks
in a feeding frenzy.
The woman who
bought me looked crazed.
Where do I pay?
Roz!
I saw what I wanted
and I went after it.
Stay!
Number 20?
That's me.
You know, Son, I
haven't had a chance
to tell you how much
I appreciate this.
You know, having somebody
like you in the auction
really adds class.
My pleasure, Dad.
Now, if the bidding gets slow
drop a quarter and
take a couple of minutes
to pick it up.
M.C.: Sold! To that very determined
lady in the back row for $500!
( women cheering)
So, Doc, Doc, who bought you?
I have no idea.
The last thing I remember
is someone shouting out
"Shake your money maker."
Number 21.
Ladies, start your engines.
( cheering, howling)
Dr. Crane?
Uh... Kristina Harper.
I just bought you.
You... you... you bought me?
Yeah.
I listen to your
show all the time.
I'm a big fan of yours.
Well, how... wonderful.
You bought me for $500.
That's a lot of money.
That's all right.
I just did a big layout
for Seattle Style.
Oh, you're a photographer?
No, I'm a model.
A model!
How wonderful!
For you, I...
So, um... how about Friday?
Friday's fine.
I live at the Elliot Bay Towers.
Around 7:00?
Sounds great... see you then.
Bye.
Bye.
( hollering)
That's my new owner.
She's a model.
No kidding.
She almost put my eye out.
So you're back awfully quick.
Hey, hey! I was one of
the last guys out there.
The money was running low.
But there was still one
rawhide chewtoy out there
for the Bulldog.
I got to take a squirt.
When I come back,
we'll play fetch.
Oh, my god, Daphne, why?
Things were slowing down,
so your father asked me to shill.
I opened at $100.
Who knew that
would be the only bid?
( doorbell rings)
Woosh!
Kristina.
Buona notte.
Hi, Frasier, sorry I'm late
but I got a last
minute call for a job.
Oh, well, it's all right.
You're here now and
you look enchanting.
No, you don't understand,
the job is tonight
but we could have dinner later.
Oh, well, I suppose
that's all right.
I hope you didn't go
to too much trouble.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
You rented a restaurant trolley.
No, no, I own it.
Oh, don't tell me
you don't have one.
There's just one more thing.
My friend Sandy got
called in on the same job
and she was supposed
to look after my daughter.
Don't tell me you
want me to baby-sit.
Look, I wouldn't do this,
but I'm really in a jam.
Look, Sandy will take
her as soon as I get back
and that'll leave
just the two of us.
Look, Kristina, I'm
not really sure if I can...
I'll make a lot of
points for this, won't I?
A ton.
Bring the darling in.
Dr. Crane, this is
my daughter, Renata.
Hello.
She's shy at first.
( bell dings)
Oh, there's the elevator.
See you later.
Well, come on in.
Have a seat.
Can I get you,
uh... a soft drink?
Goose liver pate?
Renata, that's a pretty name.
I suppose it has some sort of
poetic, romantic significance...
Can I use your phone?
Now, Renata, we're going to be
spending the evening together.
Let's try to make the
best of it, shall we?
I may surprise you.
I probably am more "with
it" than you think I am.
( chuckling)
The phone's right there.
RENATA: No way!
No way!
That is so fresh.
No way!
No way!
No...
way!
Hold on, there's another call.
Hello?
( irritated:) He'll
call you back.
No way!
Now, who was that?
I don't know.
No way!
Oh, God, another
call's coming in.
Do you mind?
I'll take this one, thank you.
Hello.
It's for you.
Hello?
Hey, Tiffany.
Tiffany?! I thought you
just spoke to Tiffany!
That was Tiffany Schwartz.
This is Tiffany Martinez.
I celebrate the ethnic
mosaic that is America
but nonetheless...
What's your damage?
Well, I'll tell you what my
damage is, young lady...
You've been talking on the
phone for an hour and a half.
You haven't said a word to me
except to ask for more Cheetos!
They're coming, Eddie!
Excuse me, like I'm
supposed to be happy I'm here?
Her fabulousness dumps
me here with a total stranger
who could be a total perv.
Well, I'm not exactly
thrilled about it either
but your mother was in a bind.
And for the record,
I am not a perv.
You don't get it.
She's always
doing stuff like this.
She's a flake.
Nonetheless, flake or
not, you are in my charge
and I think it's time that you had
something a bit more nutritious.
Now, how about seafood crepes?
Lobster newburg?
Corn dog dipped in curare?
Have you got any
raw cookie dough?
Even more lethal.
Yes, just come
on into the kitchen.
We'll see what we've got.
You know, you wouldn't
have gotten anywhere with her
with this gourmet meal routine.
She eats, like, nothing.
She's a total diet freak.
That's all she talks
about besides herself.
You don't care much
for your mother, do you?
Well, duh.
You know, I have a son.
I'd hate to think that by
the time he's your age
he thinks of me
as some sort of a...
Dweeb?
Thank you.
Brace yourself.
Oh, well, look
what we have here.
Will one tube suffice?
Cool.
Put that in your
pipe and smoke it.
Well, now, Renata, you know...
I am a psychiatrist
and if you're having
problems with your mother
I'd be glad to listen.
You mean you want me
to tell you all my problems
like those gomers on your show?
Like you care.
I do care about the gomers.
I even care about you.
Don't make me hurl.
She keeps telling people
I'm younger than I am.
Why do you think she does that?
So they won't
know how old she is.
I've been nine for
the past three years.
Really?
That's nothing.
Once she promised to take me
ice skating for my birthday.
On the way there,
she saw a tattoo parlor.
So she just left me out on
the sidewalk so she could get
a stupid butterfly
tattooed on her shoulder.
It's like she forgot I
was even out there.
My god, how old were you?
That was the first
time I was nine.
What does your father
say about all this?
Tony?
He's on the road with
Whitesnake all the time.
Whitesnake... is that a
musical group or a pet?
It's his new wife.
DAPHNE: I must confess...
I was a little apprehensive
about going out with you tonight
but I'm actually
having a jolly time
unless, of course, it's the
champagne getting to me.
I have had quite a bit
haven't I?
Oh, who cares?
That's the beauty
of being in a limo...
Unless, of course,
the driver's drinking.
You're not drinking, are you?
He's not drinking.
( honking)
Oh!
Let's drink to the
driver not drinking.
Man, you're really looped.
This is great.
( car horn honking)
Well, that's annoying, isn't it?
It certainly is
taking a long time
getting out of this parking lot.
Did I mention this was
my first basketball game?
Yes, of course I did...
Three or four times.
I still can't get
over those players.
They're positively gigantic.
Not that being tall is the
only measure of a man
but it's a bloody good one.
Oh, dear, I just
insulted you, didn't I?
Sorry.
Oh, well, you can take it.
You're a tough little nut.
Oh, dear...
this is not good,
not good at all.
What, you don't
like the champagne?
No, I can see the
bottom of my glass.
Well, bottoms up!
Oh, you are a naughty boy.
Now, don't go getting any ideas.
Oh, look who I'm saying this to.
You don't have an
idea in your head.
Oh! I did it again.
I insulted you.
Let's drink to that.
Boom!
( car horn honking)
Now, that is downright rude.
Hey, you there!
You in the firebird!
Yes, you... stop that honking!
( honking louder)
Oh, now, now!
Just because you look stupid
doesn't mean you
have to act stupid!
Hey, hey, don't aggravate him.
We're kind of pinned in here.
Oh, tosh! Civilization's not
going to progress one iota
unless someone points out
when people's manners are remiss.
MAN ( shouting:) Move it!
Oh, shut your bloody cakehole!
Hey, hey, hey, don't do that!
Oh, great, he's getting
out of his car now.
Ooh, he's a tall one, too.
Quick, quick, Roll up
your window, lock the door.
Don't be stupid.
He's not going to hurt a woman.
Just roll it up, roll it up!
Oh...!
Get your bloody paws off him!
Let him go, you big ugly oaf!
Shut up!
Oh... well, we're moving.
Thank you, Pitbull.
I had a lovely time.
You know, this cookie
dough is not that bad.
Of course, I'm sure later
I'll be hurling, but, well...
( doorbell rings)
That must be her fabulousness.
You want to take the
rest home with you?
I'd better not.
If I gain an ounce,
she goes ballistic.
She makes me weigh
in every morning.
You poor thing.
I'm used to it.
( sighs)
Hi, I'm back.
Renata, honey...
Sandy's waiting
downstairs in the car.
Renata?
I must say, I had a
rather enjoyable evening.
You don't get out much, do you?
You know, I think she likes me.
Well, uh... thank you
for helping me out.
Now, uh, roll out that trolley.
I'm starved.
You know, Kristina, I...
I don't think so.
I think you ought to go home,
spend the evening with your daughter.
But I thought we had a date.
Well, you know,
when we first met
I was... well, attracted
by your remarkable beauty
but now that I know a
bit more about you, well...
suddenly you don't
look so good, sister.
Excuse me?
A daughter is a privilege,
not an inconvenience.
You don't leave her standing
on some street corner
while you're inside
getting tattooed
or keep her in some
ageless never-never land
where everyone is
nine forever and ever!
Renata told you I did that.
Yes, she also told me
about the morning weigh-ins
and the time you left her
with the coat-check girl
at the Palladium so
you could go dancing!
What kind of an excuse for
a mother are you, anyway?
Well, did it ever occur to
you that she might be lying?
Because this is the first night
I've been out in over a year.
God knows, John and
Marianne never take her.
Who are they?
Her father and his new wife.
Oh, who are Tony and Whitesnake?
Our two dogs.
Do you know what
I do most nights?
I stay home and I help her with
her homework or French lessons.
Oh, except last Saturday
when I took her and her 12
friends to an ice-skating party.
I don't suppose there's any
chance that during that party
you got your shoulder tattooed?
Do you see anything there, hmm?
No.
But then, my eyes
are tearing up.
But why would she lie?
Because she's 12
and she's mad at me.
She wanted to stay home
alone, and I wouldn't let her.
I probably would have
been better off if I had!
God, some shrink you are!
No, please don't go.
Child development
is not my thing.
My specialty is adult relations.
Well, you won't be
having any of those tonight.
Kristina, please don't go.
Oh, and by the way, I
only have one kidney.
Guess who has the other?
Is the coast clear?
What happened to the supermodel?
She left.
Oh. I was kind of afraid
I might walk in on an
embarrassing moment.
You should have been
here half an hour ago.
Well, your date's left, what
are you doing still sitting up?
Oh, I was just thinking.
I was wondering if
my sweet little boy
is going to turn out to be
a monster when he's 12.
What the hell brought that up?
Oh, it's a long story.
Do you really want to hear it?
Well, it is getting late...
Look, all kids are the same.
They start out cute, then
somewhere along the way
they get into that
obnoxious know-it-all stage
and you think they'll
never grow out of it.
But eventually they do?
I'm still hoping.
( phone rings)
Hello?
Oh, Daphne.
How was your evening?
No way!
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Oh, my ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughing)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
♪ Good night,
Seattle! We love you! ♪
PARAMOUNT PICTURES
Four for 17 on Sunday, he
calls himself a quarterback?
I've passed kidney
stones with more accuracy.
MAN( on tape:) Hi yo!
Roz, Roz, listen,
could you go in there
and get my briefcase for me?
I was just on my way
out, but I left it in the studio.
Why don't you go get it?
Well, because every
time I go in there
he puts me on the
air and humiliates me.
Well, what do you
think he does to me?
Last week when I went
in to get my car keys
he introduced me as
Martina Navratilova's girlfriend.
Well, Chuck, I'm really
sorry I offended you.
Now, why don't you
put your skirt back on
and do some dishes?
The lines are open.
And how about
some real men calling in
instead of cry
babies like chuck?
( cries out)
Ah! Look who just crawled
in to the Doghouse...
It's Dr. Frasier Crane!
And you know what we always do
when we get a house
call from the doctor.
MAN WITH ITALIAN ACCENT:
Drop your pants and bend over.
I take your temperature.
Hello, Bulldog.
So, Doc, who's your pick for the
Giants/Saints game this weekend?
The Giants.
You're kidding.
The Saints.
You're kidding.
Well, somebody has to win.
Yeah, they would if
the Giants and Saints
were playing this weekend.
( donkey braying)
Yes, that was very funny indeed.
I wish you'd played
it on my show.
It deserves to be heard
by a much larger audience.
Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
( doorbell rings)
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Hello, Daphne.
I brought this for dinner.
Hey, Niles. Dad.
You're kind of early.
Well, I just put Maris
on the train to Chicago
and you know how desolate
I am without my Maris.
Champagne?
It goes with all occasions.
Can I be of any
assistance in the kitchen?
No, I have everything
well in hand.
Ah, well, lucky everything.
Mmm... Uh-uh...
Uh-uh...
All right, what would you do?
Well, for starters, I'd take
that corn nut off the board.
That corn nut's my bishop.
Eddie ate the real one.
In that case, corn
nut to rook seven.
Hello, all.
Evening, Dr. Crane.
Guess what your brother
brought... champagne.
Oh, Maris left
for Chicago already?
She's riding the
rails as we speak.
DAPHNE: If I may ask
why does she take the
train instead of flying?
She's been afraid to fly
since her harrowing incident.
Oh, dear, did her
plane almost crash?
No, no, she was
bumped from first class.
She still wakes up screaming.
Hey, Frasier, I got
a favor to ask you.
What is it, Dad?
Well, you know, my old
buddy from the force, Joe Linsky
is running the benefit for the
widows and orphans fund this year
and he's doing one of
those bachelor auctions
and he's out looking
for local celebrities
and I thought if we could
get somebody really famous
from the radio station...
Oh, Dad, say no more.
I'd be delighted to help.
Great! So you'll ask
Bulldog tomorrow?
Bulldog?
Oh, well, you know...
I... well, I mean...
( stuttering)
Don't get me wrong.
I mean, I was going
to ask you, too.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I was, I was.
I was just saving
the best for last.
Uh-huh.
Oh, Frasier, give him a break.
If he backpedals any faster
he'll trip over his walker.
All right, I'll do it.
Oh, great, I really
appreciate it.
You won't forget to
ask Bulldog, will you?
I'll leave a note
on his hydrant.
DAPHNE: A bachelor auction.
I've always felt it would be
fun to pick a man off the block
to do my bidding and
fulfill my every desire.
Dr. Crane?
I'd love to.
I mean... I'd...
Uh... Frasier?
I was just thinking.
What if no one bids?
What if you're
left standing there
with flop sweat
trickling down your back
amidst a great gaping silence?
It'll never happen, Niles.
Thank you, Dad.
Yeah, we got a band.
M.C.: Our next
bachelor on the block
is public television's own
cute and cuddly Mr. Science.
( women cheering and yelling)
My God, the estrogen level
is off the charts out there.
Yeah, isn't it great?
I mean, deep down,
chicks are just like guys.
We all want the same thing.
Well, I've got news for them...
Frasier Crane does not put out.
All they're getting for their little
donation is a well-prepared gourmet meal
and a handshake at the door.
Boring!
My date gets a stretch
limo, Moon roof, dinner
floor seats at the Sonics game
and these incredible
buns of steel.
Feel them, Doc.
Come on, feel them.
Thank you, no.
( women shouting)
M.C.: Ladies, please!
Keep your articles of
clothing off the stage!
Man, you show these women
a little celebrity beefcake
and they go nutso!
I don't mind telling you,
Dad, I'm a little bit nervous.
This is a textbook
case of mob mentality.
I hope all the fire exits
are clearly marked.
Ah, relax, relax, will you?
Oh, right, that's
easy for you to say.
You're not the one
jumping into the rottweiler pit
with a pork chop
around your neck.
Hey, Frasier, that's T.J. Smith.
He's a linebacker
for the Seahawks.
They call him "the enforcer."
He's put two quarterbacks in
the hospital already this season.
Hey, T.J., Marty Crane.
Nice to meet you!
Number 19?
Please don't make
me go out there.
Oh... you'll be fine.
Now, don't worry.
Just go on out there
and have a good time.
( screaming and yelling)
They're going to
have him for breakfast.
( door opens, women
screaming and yelling)
Hey, T.J., How was it, man?
It was horrible.
They're like sharks
in a feeding frenzy.
The woman who
bought me looked crazed.
Where do I pay?
Roz!
I saw what I wanted
and I went after it.
Stay!
Number 20?
That's me.
You know, Son, I
haven't had a chance
to tell you how much
I appreciate this.
You know, having somebody
like you in the auction
really adds class.
My pleasure, Dad.
Now, if the bidding gets slow
drop a quarter and
take a couple of minutes
to pick it up.
M.C.: Sold! To that very determined
lady in the back row for $500!
( women cheering)
So, Doc, Doc, who bought you?
I have no idea.
The last thing I remember
is someone shouting out
"Shake your money maker."
Number 21.
Ladies, start your engines.
( cheering, howling)
Dr. Crane?
Uh... Kristina Harper.
I just bought you.
You... you... you bought me?
Yeah.
I listen to your
show all the time.
I'm a big fan of yours.
Well, how... wonderful.
You bought me for $500.
That's a lot of money.
That's all right.
I just did a big layout
for Seattle Style.
Oh, you're a photographer?
No, I'm a model.
A model!
How wonderful!
For you, I...
So, um... how about Friday?
Friday's fine.
I live at the Elliot Bay Towers.
Around 7:00?
Sounds great... see you then.
Bye.
Bye.
( hollering)
That's my new owner.
She's a model.
No kidding.
She almost put my eye out.
So you're back awfully quick.
Hey, hey! I was one of
the last guys out there.
The money was running low.
But there was still one
rawhide chewtoy out there
for the Bulldog.
I got to take a squirt.
When I come back,
we'll play fetch.
Oh, my god, Daphne, why?
Things were slowing down,
so your father asked me to shill.
I opened at $100.
Who knew that
would be the only bid?
( doorbell rings)
Woosh!
Kristina.
Buona notte.
Hi, Frasier, sorry I'm late
but I got a last
minute call for a job.
Oh, well, it's all right.
You're here now and
you look enchanting.
No, you don't understand,
the job is tonight
but we could have dinner later.
Oh, well, I suppose
that's all right.
I hope you didn't go
to too much trouble.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
You rented a restaurant trolley.
No, no, I own it.
Oh, don't tell me
you don't have one.
There's just one more thing.
My friend Sandy got
called in on the same job
and she was supposed
to look after my daughter.
Don't tell me you
want me to baby-sit.
Look, I wouldn't do this,
but I'm really in a jam.
Look, Sandy will take
her as soon as I get back
and that'll leave
just the two of us.
Look, Kristina, I'm
not really sure if I can...
I'll make a lot of
points for this, won't I?
A ton.
Bring the darling in.
Dr. Crane, this is
my daughter, Renata.
Hello.
She's shy at first.
( bell dings)
Oh, there's the elevator.
See you later.
Well, come on in.
Have a seat.
Can I get you,
uh... a soft drink?
Goose liver pate?
Renata, that's a pretty name.
I suppose it has some sort of
poetic, romantic significance...
Can I use your phone?
Now, Renata, we're going to be
spending the evening together.
Let's try to make the
best of it, shall we?
I may surprise you.
I probably am more "with
it" than you think I am.
( chuckling)
The phone's right there.
RENATA: No way!
No way!
That is so fresh.
No way!
No way!
No...
way!
Hold on, there's another call.
Hello?
( irritated:) He'll
call you back.
No way!
Now, who was that?
I don't know.
No way!
Oh, God, another
call's coming in.
Do you mind?
I'll take this one, thank you.
Hello.
It's for you.
Hello?
Hey, Tiffany.
Tiffany?! I thought you
just spoke to Tiffany!
That was Tiffany Schwartz.
This is Tiffany Martinez.
I celebrate the ethnic
mosaic that is America
but nonetheless...
What's your damage?
Well, I'll tell you what my
damage is, young lady...
You've been talking on the
phone for an hour and a half.
You haven't said a word to me
except to ask for more Cheetos!
They're coming, Eddie!
Excuse me, like I'm
supposed to be happy I'm here?
Her fabulousness dumps
me here with a total stranger
who could be a total perv.
Well, I'm not exactly
thrilled about it either
but your mother was in a bind.
And for the record,
I am not a perv.
You don't get it.
She's always
doing stuff like this.
She's a flake.
Nonetheless, flake or
not, you are in my charge
and I think it's time that you had
something a bit more nutritious.
Now, how about seafood crepes?
Lobster newburg?
Corn dog dipped in curare?
Have you got any
raw cookie dough?
Even more lethal.
Yes, just come
on into the kitchen.
We'll see what we've got.
You know, you wouldn't
have gotten anywhere with her
with this gourmet meal routine.
She eats, like, nothing.
She's a total diet freak.
That's all she talks
about besides herself.
You don't care much
for your mother, do you?
Well, duh.
You know, I have a son.
I'd hate to think that by
the time he's your age
he thinks of me
as some sort of a...
Dweeb?
Thank you.
Brace yourself.
Oh, well, look
what we have here.
Will one tube suffice?
Cool.
Put that in your
pipe and smoke it.
Well, now, Renata, you know...
I am a psychiatrist
and if you're having
problems with your mother
I'd be glad to listen.
You mean you want me
to tell you all my problems
like those gomers on your show?
Like you care.
I do care about the gomers.
I even care about you.
Don't make me hurl.
She keeps telling people
I'm younger than I am.
Why do you think she does that?
So they won't
know how old she is.
I've been nine for
the past three years.
Really?
That's nothing.
Once she promised to take me
ice skating for my birthday.
On the way there,
she saw a tattoo parlor.
So she just left me out on
the sidewalk so she could get
a stupid butterfly
tattooed on her shoulder.
It's like she forgot I
was even out there.
My god, how old were you?
That was the first
time I was nine.
What does your father
say about all this?
Tony?
He's on the road with
Whitesnake all the time.
Whitesnake... is that a
musical group or a pet?
It's his new wife.
DAPHNE: I must confess...
I was a little apprehensive
about going out with you tonight
but I'm actually
having a jolly time
unless, of course, it's the
champagne getting to me.
I have had quite a bit
haven't I?
Oh, who cares?
That's the beauty
of being in a limo...
Unless, of course,
the driver's drinking.
You're not drinking, are you?
He's not drinking.
( honking)
Oh!
Let's drink to the
driver not drinking.
Man, you're really looped.
This is great.
( car horn honking)
Well, that's annoying, isn't it?
It certainly is
taking a long time
getting out of this parking lot.
Did I mention this was
my first basketball game?
Yes, of course I did...
Three or four times.
I still can't get
over those players.
They're positively gigantic.
Not that being tall is the
only measure of a man
but it's a bloody good one.
Oh, dear, I just
insulted you, didn't I?
Sorry.
Oh, well, you can take it.
You're a tough little nut.
Oh, dear...
this is not good,
not good at all.
What, you don't
like the champagne?
No, I can see the
bottom of my glass.
Well, bottoms up!
Oh, you are a naughty boy.
Now, don't go getting any ideas.
Oh, look who I'm saying this to.
You don't have an
idea in your head.
Oh! I did it again.
I insulted you.
Let's drink to that.
Boom!
( car horn honking)
Now, that is downright rude.
Hey, you there!
You in the firebird!
Yes, you... stop that honking!
( honking louder)
Oh, now, now!
Just because you look stupid
doesn't mean you
have to act stupid!
Hey, hey, don't aggravate him.
We're kind of pinned in here.
Oh, tosh! Civilization's not
going to progress one iota
unless someone points out
when people's manners are remiss.
MAN ( shouting:) Move it!
Oh, shut your bloody cakehole!
Hey, hey, hey, don't do that!
Oh, great, he's getting
out of his car now.
Ooh, he's a tall one, too.
Quick, quick, Roll up
your window, lock the door.
Don't be stupid.
He's not going to hurt a woman.
Just roll it up, roll it up!
Oh...!
Get your bloody paws off him!
Let him go, you big ugly oaf!
Shut up!
Oh... well, we're moving.
Thank you, Pitbull.
I had a lovely time.
You know, this cookie
dough is not that bad.
Of course, I'm sure later
I'll be hurling, but, well...
( doorbell rings)
That must be her fabulousness.
You want to take the
rest home with you?
I'd better not.
If I gain an ounce,
she goes ballistic.
She makes me weigh
in every morning.
You poor thing.
I'm used to it.
( sighs)
Hi, I'm back.
Renata, honey...
Sandy's waiting
downstairs in the car.
Renata?
I must say, I had a
rather enjoyable evening.
You don't get out much, do you?
You know, I think she likes me.
Well, uh... thank you
for helping me out.
Now, uh, roll out that trolley.
I'm starved.
You know, Kristina, I...
I don't think so.
I think you ought to go home,
spend the evening with your daughter.
But I thought we had a date.
Well, you know,
when we first met
I was... well, attracted
by your remarkable beauty
but now that I know a
bit more about you, well...
suddenly you don't
look so good, sister.
Excuse me?
A daughter is a privilege,
not an inconvenience.
You don't leave her standing
on some street corner
while you're inside
getting tattooed
or keep her in some
ageless never-never land
where everyone is
nine forever and ever!
Renata told you I did that.
Yes, she also told me
about the morning weigh-ins
and the time you left her
with the coat-check girl
at the Palladium so
you could go dancing!
What kind of an excuse for
a mother are you, anyway?
Well, did it ever occur to
you that she might be lying?
Because this is the first night
I've been out in over a year.
God knows, John and
Marianne never take her.
Who are they?
Her father and his new wife.
Oh, who are Tony and Whitesnake?
Our two dogs.
Do you know what
I do most nights?
I stay home and I help her with
her homework or French lessons.
Oh, except last Saturday
when I took her and her 12
friends to an ice-skating party.
I don't suppose there's any
chance that during that party
you got your shoulder tattooed?
Do you see anything there, hmm?
No.
But then, my eyes
are tearing up.
But why would she lie?
Because she's 12
and she's mad at me.
She wanted to stay home
alone, and I wouldn't let her.
I probably would have
been better off if I had!
God, some shrink you are!
No, please don't go.
Child development
is not my thing.
My specialty is adult relations.
Well, you won't be
having any of those tonight.
Kristina, please don't go.
Oh, and by the way, I
only have one kidney.
Guess who has the other?
Is the coast clear?
What happened to the supermodel?
She left.
Oh. I was kind of afraid
I might walk in on an
embarrassing moment.
You should have been
here half an hour ago.
Well, your date's left, what
are you doing still sitting up?
Oh, I was just thinking.
I was wondering if
my sweet little boy
is going to turn out to be
a monster when he's 12.
What the hell brought that up?
Oh, it's a long story.
Do you really want to hear it?
Well, it is getting late...
Look, all kids are the same.
They start out cute, then
somewhere along the way
they get into that
obnoxious know-it-all stage
and you think they'll
never grow out of it.
But eventually they do?
I'm still hoping.
( phone rings)
Hello?
Oh, Daphne.
How was your evening?
No way!
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Oh, my ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughing)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
♪ Good night,
Seattle! We love you! ♪