Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 13 - Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast - full transcript

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT PICTURES

And though washing one's
hands 20 to 30 times a day

would be considered
obsessive-compulsive

please bear in mind that
your husband is a coroner.

Thank you for
your call, Jeanine.

Roz, whom do we have next?

We have Ethan on line three

and he's having a
little problem at school.

Hello, Ethan.

I'm listening.

ETHAN: Hi, Dr. Crane.



How old are you?

I'm 13.

Well, uh, what can I do for you?

Well, I'm having
a lot of problems

with the other kids at school.

They're always beating me up.

Why do you think that's so?

Probably because I'm smart.

I have a 160 I.Q.

I'm in the astronomy
club and I hate sports.

Well, Ethan, you
know, the other children

are just acting out of
jealousy and immaturity

and I know it doesn't
help much right now

but the day will come
in the next few years



when you will
have the last laugh.

That's it?

Yes.

Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that
advice patronizing, simplistic

and in all candor, uninspired.

The real surprise here

is that they pay you to
dole out this balloon juice.

Ethan, where are
you calling from?

Home.

Well, if any of Ethan's
classmates are listening

you know where he is, and
he can't stay in there forever.

Thank you for your call.

Well, that's about it for today.

This is Frasier Crane,
KACL-talk radio, 780 AM

Well, Roz, I thought

that was a pretty
good show, didn't you?

Yeah. Sure, whatever you say.

You seem a bit
distracted there, Roz.

You got another one
of your hot dates?

If you must know, yes.

Pick you up outside
in five minutes?

Great. Thanks, Noel.

Noel?

Noel Shemsky from sales?

That's who your date is with?

Well, it's not a date.

We're just going
out for a drink, okay?

Noel, the mole?

I know he's not great-looking

I know he drives a
'73 Dodge Polaris

but he's just always struck me

as a really interesting guy.

Mm-hmm.

Look, the world

is loaded with superficial guys.

You know, I just
want to try going out

with someone who
has a good heart.

He's smart. He's substantial.

And, you know, considering
my track record, lately

I would hope you'd support me.

Is that asking too much?

Does Noel still have

that autographed picture of
Captain Kirk in his cubicle?

Why do I tell you anything?

NILES: Knock, knock!

Can I be of any assistance?

Oh, no thank you, Dr. Crane.

I think I have
everything under control.

Well, do you mind
if I linger, then?

I've always been sort
of a kitchen person.

Suit yourself.

I like the company.

So how is Dad's therapy going?

Well, we can see
more mobility in his hip

and his flexibility is improving

but it's always a chore

to get him to do his exercises.

Of course, I've
found the secret is

if I bribe him with
sweets then...

( bang)

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, Dr. Crane.

Oh!

Oh.

Dr. Crane, can you get up?

No, no, I think I'd better
stay here for a few minutes.

I thought I heard...
what are you doing?

I'm afraid he conked his
head on the hood there.

You are shameless.

Frasier, I have a very sore head

and a crackerjack
lawyer so don't crowd me.

Here, put this on
it. Oh, thank you.

Daphne, you've been
wonderful in this time of crisis.

Oh, come on, Camille.

I need to talk to you.

Here, have a seat right here.

Now, listen, Niles.

I'm having a young
lady over on Friday night.

I was hoping that maybe
you could take Dad out for me.

Oh, I wish you'd said Saturday.

Why, you have plans Friday?

No, I have plans Saturday.

Niles, just tell me that
you'll do this for me.

Oh, all right. Thank you.

So does this mean you're
hoping to get lucky Friday night?

Oh, Niles, please,
nobody refers to having sex

as "getting lucky" anymore.

I do.

Hello, boys.

Oh, hi, Dad. Hey, Dad.

Uh, Dad...

I was wondering if
you'd be interested

in joining Maris
and me Friday night.

We're dying to try

the new rib joint that's
opened on Bellevue Way.

I understand that
if the onion rings

aren't as big as your
head you get them for free.

Well, thanks, Niles

but I thought I'd just spend
a quiet evening at home.

Oh, well, then...

Better yet, why don't
you come to our house?

We'll make dinner

and we'll even rent an
Angie Dickinson film.

Ooh!

All right, what's going on?

Frasier wants me out of here

because he's got a
date, or something?

I'm sorry, Frasier...

He sees things
that others don't.

Well, I'm sorry, Dad.

I suppose I should have
asked you myself, but...

Oh, that's all right.

I'll clear out, but
just remember

one hand washes
the other around here.

What does that mean?

Well, as long as I'm clearing
out for you Friday night

you can clear out for
me Thursday night.

I got a date with
Elaine Morris in 1412.

Oh, well, well! How long
has this been going on?

Well, she's had
me over for coffee

a couple of times.

I just thought I'd like

to have her over
here for dinner.

Niles, wipe that stupid
smirk off your face.

What do you say, Frasier?

Oh, sure, Dad, I
think that's terrific.

Oh, listen. If there's a lull

in the conversation

we've got board games,
back here in the closet.

We've got playing cards.

Does she like to play canasta?

Oh, and PBS is running
a wonderful documentary

on the swing bands
of the '30s and '40s.

Oh, wow! Yeah!

Well, thanks a lot
for all your help, boys

but I think we'll just split
a bowl of creamed corn

rub a little liniment
into each other's joints

and fall asleep
drooling on the couch.

FRASIER: Morning, Daphne.

DAPHNE: Good morning, Dr. Crane.

I want to thank you again
for the show last night.

I've never been to
experimental theater before.

Oh, don't mention
it, it was my pleasure.

Well, I think I
understood most of it

only what did it mean

when the naked man
came in carrying a suitcase?

Well, I think it meant
that he packed too much.

Well, I'm sure your father

appreciated having
us out of the house.

What is that heavenly aroma?

I decided to prepare us a
traditional English breakfast.

We have eggs... Mm-hmm.

Bangers, or as you
call them sausages

and to finish it off

a batch of Grammy
Moon's famous sticky buns.

Oh, my, that's it!

Grammy made these every Sunday.

Of course, she added a
pint of rum to the recipe

and nobody liked these
more than Grammy herself

Many is the Sunday I'd head
over to her house after church

only to find her out in the
garden in a wedding dress

facedown in the birdbath.

Morning!

Well, morning, Dad.

So, uh... how was
your date last night?

Huh! Boy, it feels
strange, you know

a son asking his father
how his date was last night...

when he could
ask the date herself!

Oh, uh, Elaine,
this is Daphne Moon

and my son, Frasier Crane.

This is Elaine Morris.

Yes, hello.

So... so it's a pleasure
to meet you, Elaine.

It's, uh... I know
that Dad's wanted

to have you for a long time.

Uh, I mean...

I mean for dinner.

Yes, well, I
certainly enjoyed it.

But, you know, Martin,
I really should be going.

Oh, no, no. You should
at least stay for breakfast

shouldn't she, Frasier?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Well, I guess I
could stay for coffee.

Splendid, splendid

splendid, splendid.

So, uh, so, uh...

What did you two
kids do last night?

Did you play some games?

Well, I mean, board games.

Well, not that you
were bored or excited.

Well... not that
I'd know anything

or should, but, uh...

warm buns, Elaine.

( choking)

No, no, no, not yours.

I mean, ours, ours, to
eat, you see, you see.

Here, I'll have one.

Mmm... warm.

Why don't we
go sit at the table.

Yeah, okay.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I don't know!

Well, uh, Frasier

you know, I really
love your radio show.

My friends and I listen
to it almost every day.

Oh, thank you. That's
always lovely to hear.

Elaine's a buyer at Bon Marche.

Oh, really, really?

I do, I do a great
deal of shopping there.

As a matter of fact,

I bought the comforter
on Dad's bed there and...

Well, I suppose
you noticed that.

Well, or...

maybe you didn't.

I mean, I don't know

if you had the lights on or...

I mean, well, I don't
know how you like it.

I mean, well, how you...

light it.

Well, how you like to light it.

Oh, banger, Dad?

( chokes)

You know, I really
should be going.

I've got to get ready for work.

It was nice meeting you,
Daphne and, uh, Frasier.

Thanks for a lovely
evening, Martin.

I'll call you later. Yeah.

You couldn't have served bacon?

Me? The way you were carrying on

I think we can be thankful I
didn't make toad in the hole.

Well, you handled that
smoothly, Dr. Crane.

I'm sorry, Dad.

It just really caught
me off guard.

Oh, that's okay, I
ought to apologize.

I should have warned you, but...

but I really didn't think
it was going to happen.

Pretty glad it did.

So you like Elaine?

I like Elaine.

So, Dad...

Yeah, yeah.

You're back on the beat!

All right, all right!

Lock up your daughters.

Yeah, okay, okay.

Oh, come on, you old...

Frasier, don't push it.

E on line four.

She's concerned
about her daughter.

Hello, Mary Anne.

I'm listening.

Kids... you can't
live with them;

you can't shove them
back in the womb.

Well, as we try

to forget the image
that summons up...

how can I help you, Mary Anne?

Well, two days ago,
Judy, my 22-year-old

arrived home for a
visit with her boyfriend.

I insisted that they sleep
in separate bedrooms.

She got furious with me

and she's been giving
me dirty looks all week.

Am I completely
out of line here?

Not at all. I think that,
uh, in your own house

you make up the rules.

Thank you.

But are we sure there isn't...

something else going on here?

Perhaps you're having a problem

thinking of your
daughter as an adult.

You see, we all have a tendency

to freeze people in roles with
which we are most comfortable

especially when it comes
to that old bugaboo, sex.

But, you know, let me use myself

as an example.

Um, as many of you know

my 63-year-old father
recently moved in with me

and just this
morning, over coffee

I discovered that he had
spent the night in his room

with a delightful
creature named Elaine.

Well...

the entire episode
completely unnerved me.

Why? Because I had
never thought of my father

as a man with
normal sexual urges.

To me, he was always

just plain old Dad.

Well, that's absurd.

I mean, my father is a
witty, virile, charming man

possessed with the
hereditary Crane good lucks.

I suppose what I'm driving at

is that sexuality is a healthy
part of adulthood at any age.

I think it's time that
we embraced that.

Don't you, Mary Anne?

Sorry, Dr. Crane,
I've got to go.

I'm hearing noises
from the guest room.

Well, as Mary Anne
rushes to the guest room

with a bucket of ice water

we will pause for
these messages.

Hey, Frasier, that was
a really good show.

Well, thank you,
I thought so, too.

Hi, Dr. Crane.

Hi, Roz.

Hi, Noel.

I had a great time last night.

Me, too.

I made you this spice rack.

I specially treated the
back for easy wall adhesion.

That was very
thoughtful of you, Noel.

Well, um... I got to run.

I'll call you later.

Live long and prosper.

Oh, look, there's
a place for cumin.

Most people overlook that.

Just kill me.

I don't understand it.

Why would he say something
like that on the radio?

Did you know, when you
get angry, your ears turn red?

See, there they go.

( door opens)

Evening, everyone!

I'll be going to me
room right now.

Hello, Eddie.

Well, I seem to have
cleared the room.

I want to talk to you, mister.

Ooh! Sounds like
someone is being

taken out behind the woodshed.

Don't tempt me.

Where the hell do you get off

talking about my personal
life on your radio program?

Are you discussing what I
said about you and Elaine?

You're damn right I am.

I've never been so
embarrassed in my life.

Well, Dad, everything
I said was flattering.

Oh, yeah, telling all of Seattle

about your old dad shacking
up with the neighbor lady.

Oh, come on, you old swordsman.

I thought you'd
get a kick out of it.

Uh, knock it off, Frasier.

Thanks to you, Elaine won't
even talk to me anymore.

What for? Just because
of a harmless remark

I made on the radio?

Hey, for your information,
people of our generation

think that sex
is a private thing.

And I still think

that's a healthy
way of looking at it.

Sex is something between you
and the person you're doing it to.

Well, don't you...

don't you think she's
overreacting a little?

Put yourself in her place.

She takes a chance and
spends the night with me.

Next thing she knows,

it's being broadcast
all over Seattle.

I mean, her friends
heard it and called her.

She's so embarrassed

she hasn't been out
of the house all day.

She won't even
answer the phone now.

Well, I'm sorry, Dad.

Your sympathy touches me.

Well, look, look. I-I
caused the problem here,

and I will take care of it.

Yeah, well, I'll be in my
room holding my breath.

I said I'd take care of it.

MAN: I hate my voice.

I mean, I know no one likes
the sound of their own voice

especially when
they hear it on tape

because it doesn't sound as
good as it does in their own head

but I hate my voice
in my head, too.

And you can't get away from
your own voice, either, you know.

I tried not listening to myself
when I talk, but I find myself

kind of saying things that
don't make a lot of sense.

I hate my voice so much
I had to call a neighbor in

to do the message on
my answering machine.

I don't like his
voice much either

but it's better than mine.

Not that I get a lot
of calls, anyway.

I mean, you go figure.

Any advice, Dr. Crane?

Uh, yes, yes, just, uh, go
on with what you're doing

and, uh, everything
should turn out all right.

Thank you for your call.

Oh, I'd like to end today's show
on something of a personal note.

I'm talking to one
person in my audience...

Elaine.

You wouldn't answer
my phone calls

you wouldn't come to the door

so I hope you're listening.

And if you are

I want to apologize for
what I said on the radio.

I took something that
was of a private nature

and turned it into
public knowledge.

I promise I will
never do that again...

well, except for this time.

Then I promise I'll
never do it again.

You see, the saddest
thing is, Elaine, it, uh...

Dad is paying for my mistake.

( "Moon River" playing softly)

( trembling): Elaine...

Martin cares for you and
he misses you very much.

More than anything in the world

he'd like to be back
together with you.

And if you feel for him
the way he feels for you

I hope you'll find
it in your heart

to come to my place
tonight at 8:00 for dinner...

A very romantic dinner.

Thanks, Elaine.

This is KACL-780 AM, talk radio

and I'm Frasier Crane...

the love doctor.

FRASIER: ♪ Moon River... ♪

Ah, well, the
champagne is chilled

a platter of hors d'oeuvres.

How are things in the kitchen?

The roast is out of the oven.

It looks beautiful.

Oh, God, I hope
this works, Daphne.

Well, I've been sending Elaine
psychic messages all day.

You're kidding? I...
You can transmit?

I thought you
were just a receiver.

Well, I'm giving it a try.

You know, "Elaine in 1410

come to dinner, come to dinner."

That's very charming,
Daphne, but Elaine is in 1412.

Oh, dear. I guess I better set

an extra place
at the table, then.

Ah, look, it's 8:00
and I'm still a pumpkin.

Dad, it is two minutes to 8:00.

And why don't you
just sit down and relax.

Oh, this is stupid.

She probably didn't
even hear your show.

Does this tie go
with the jacket?

You look smashing.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding?

She's not going to show up.

I don't know why I even...

( doorbell rings)

May I suggest that we
just skip the first course,

which is crow, and move
directly into the hors d'oeuvres.

Just shut up and the door.

Excuse me, is this
the Crane residence?

Yes, it is.

Well, we've been waiting
here for the last 15 minutes.

Did Elaine show up
or did we miss her?

Who are all you people?

We heard your show today.

Oh, it was so romantic.

We all have our fingers crossed.

That's very kind.

I'm Marjorie from down on 11...

Hello, Marjorie, uh...

and this is Norman
Hello, Norman.

And the rest of these
people, I don't know.

Nice to see you all.

Tony... Tony, what are you
doing here, for God's sakes?

Shouldn't you be
watching the door?

Oh, don't worry,
we're all locked in.

I have got to find out
how this ends, Doc.

What's going on out here?

Oh, is this Martin?

( crowd murmuring)

People, please, don't you
have lives of your own?

For God's sakes,
please scoot, scat...!

What's happening here?

It's a private situation here.

( gasps)

WOMAN: Oh, that's her!

Oh, my God!

No, please, please,
come out here!

No, I'm going home.

All right, then Dad,
Dad, you come in here.

All right, now everybody,
back off! Just back off!

All right, just give
us some time.

Please, please.

Oh, no, I knew I should
never have come up here.

Nothing has changed.

Please let me try to explain.

You've done enough.

Oh, Dad, please...

Frasier, over there.

I... Dad!

Turn around.

Well, I...

Ahh!

Look, Elaine, I'm sorry
about what happened.

You've got every
right to be mad.

But I thought what we
had was pretty good.

And thanks to radio boy, here

I think most of
Seattle agrees with me.

I'd sure hate us to lose it

just because of
one stupid thing.

Come on, Elaine.

I had a great time on
our date the other night.

Are you going to tell me
you don't feel the same way?

You may not remember,
but I have warm toes.

Anyway, it's your choice, but...

I sure wish you'd come
and have dinner with me.

( bell rings)

Who said you could turn around?

Look, it's coming back up!

( oohs and ahs)

( applause)

All right, everyone,
you've had your fun.

Show is over, there's
nothing more to see.

Go back to your homes.

Yes, please, follow
what the man says.

Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you for your
concern. Thank you so much.

Let's expedite this
departure, please, if you would.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, good-bye.

Well, I suppose

we should give
them their privacy.

Yes, yes, I
suppose you're right.

It's ironic, isn't it?

My 63-year-old
father with a bum hip

is about to embark
on a night of romance

while the two of
us... man and woman

both attractive and eligible

in the prime of our lives

with nothing to do
on a Saturday night.

You know, the
answer to our problems

might be right under our noses.

Yes, Daphne, I think it is.

All right, you go claim
the washing machines.

I'll go get the laundry.

Right.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪

♪ Toss salads and
scrambled eggs ♪

Mercy!

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those toss salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're calling again ♪

Scrambled eggs all over my face.

What is a boy to do?

♪ Thank you! ♪