Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 12 - Miracle on Third or Fourth Street - full transcript
Frasier's plans for a merry Christmas with Frederick, Martin and Niles are derailed after Lilith cancels the plans to take Frederick to Austria. Already angry, Frasier then has a bitter argument with Martin in the days before Christmas, and Frasier agrees to do the Christmas Day shift at the radio station, where he and Roz are forced to endure the most depressing show ever. Just when things do not seem to be able to get any better, Frasier is humbled by a demonstration of human kindness from an unexpected quarter.
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT PICTURES
FRASIER: Well, I'd like
to take this opportunity
to wish you all the very,
very best of holidays.
Like many of you, I'll
be spending the time
in the loving
embrace of my family
which should give us all plenty
to talk about in the new year.
Meantime, this is
Dr. Frasier Crane
KACL-780 talk radio.
Come on, Frasier.
There's a gin
and tonic out there
with my name on it.
You can tell Father
Mike has had a few.
He's trying to get everyone
to reenact the Nativity scene.
Well, we know who he
can get to play the ass.
( barks)
I'm wearing her down.
Who's that for?
It's for Roz.
"Amazing Trick Microphone...
Squirts Water." Nice!
It's a gag.
We agreed not to exchange gifts.
Listen, Doc, I'm scheduled to do
the noon-to-4:00
slot at Christmas...
Nope.
But, Doc, my whole family
is getting together in Chicago
for the first time
in five years.
I am touched and I don't care.
My sister and her new baby...
Listen, Bulldog
my son Frederick is
flying in tomorrow afternoon
to spend the holidays with me.
Now, I have never looked
so forward to a Christmas
since I was, uh...
well, your size.
( loudly): Did you
tell him yet, Bulldog?
Dave, you don't have to yell.
You're not up in the chopper
giving us a traffic report.
( yelling): I was yelling?
Hey, Doc, you know
Bonnie Weems, right?
Well, I don't actually know her
but she does the
auto show, right?
Right. Bonnie tends to drink
a little more than she
should at these parties
so the newest on-air personality
always drives her home.
That's you, rookie.
Oh, that sounds
like a good tradition.
I'd be delighted
to drive her home.
She'll be delighted
to hear that.
( laughing)
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Dr. Crane.
Oh, merry Christmas, Elizabeth.
I baked you some sugar cookies.
Oh, well, how sweet of you.
Sweets from the sweet.
Would you, by any
chance, happen to know
who's driving Bonnie
Weems home tonight?
Yes. I am. And maybe
you can tell me why...
Hey, everybody, it's the doc!
( laughter)
Roz, would you mind telling me
why everyone
breaks into hysterics
whenever I say that I'm
driving Bonnie Weems home?
Oh, what is that?
Well, Bonnie Weems is
kind of an office legend.
She gets a couple of
drinks under her belt
and she gets a little amorous
and she will not
take no for an answer.
Oh, is that all?
I'm a big boy.
I can take care of myself.
Okay.
Oh, now, listen, Roz, I
know we promised not to
but I couldn't help it.
I was out shopping...
Oh, no! Don't worry, Frasier.
I couldn't help myself, either.
Oh, no. Really?
Merry Christmas!
Oh, Roz, you shouldn't have.
This is just...
Oh, Roz.
Roz, you really shouldn't have.
Now it's my turn.
Oh, don't, don't, don't...
You know, maybe
you should just think
about keeping
that under the tree.
Oh, me wait to open
a Christmas present?
Yeah, right.
Oh, my God, it's great!
It's great because I'm in radio.
That's what I was going for.
Well, thanks a million, Frasier.
Have a happy, happy holiday
and I'll see you next week.
Okay. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Boy!
Dr. Crane?
Yes?
I'm Bonnie Weems.
Well, hello.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'll be driving
you home tonight.
I'm sorry to put you out.
Oh, it's no problem at all.
I'll tell you what.
You just go enjoy the party.
You let me know
when you're ready to go.
I'm ready now, baby.
Hello, Frasier.
Oh, hello, Niles.
Merry Christmas.
To what do I owe this occasion?
Oh, nothing. Just stopped by
to get an opinion on a gift I
was considering for Maris.
Well, it pinches a
bit under the arms
but you be the judge.
Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
Daphne.
Shall I put the little
red one back on
so you can make your choice?
I think Niles has all the
information he needs, thank you.
Fair enough.
You know, Maris and Daphne
are roughly the same size.
Give or take a foot.
Hey, Frasier, where you been?
Well, I... After the
Christmas party
I poured a colleague into a cab
said a quick
prayer for the driver
dislodged the
wedgie of a lifetime...
Then I went out and did
a little bit of last-minute
Christmas shopping.
Niles, some sherry?
Uh, thank you.
You know, Santa Claus is
going to be very, very good
to Frederick this year.
Oh, by the way, Bulldog
called a couple of times.
He wanted to know if you'd
take his slot on Christmas Day.
I already told him no.
How long will that man nag me?
Dad, what are you
doing with that?
I'm going to hang it on the
front door like I always do.
But it's plastic!
Well, of course it's plastic.
You think a real one would
have lasted since 1967?
Here you go.
Oh, I'm glad to be
out of that black one.
I had to take me undies
off just to get the zipper up.
Oh, dear! Let me get that.
( phone ringing)
Hello.
Oh, hi.
Frasier, it's for you.
It's the nag.
Oh, Lord.
Now, listen, Bulldog, I
already told you that...
Oh... oh, hello, Lilith.
No, maybe I should, uh...
I'll take this in the bedroom.
Niles, everything's all set
for tomorrow, right?
Yes. Yes. Maris and I are
driving up to the cabin tonight.
We'll expect you and Frasier
and Frederick
tomorrow around noon.
Oh, I wish I was
coming with you.
So do I.
( yelling on phone)
Oh, shut the hell up, will you?
Daphne... Daphne,
you should come.
We have the most wonderful
traditional Christmas.
It's an actual log cabin
with actual deer
grazing through the snow
in our front yard.
Of course, Maris
fires off her shotgun
from time to time
to scare them away
from our garbage
but, still, it's enchanting.
Yeah. You sure you
can't come, Daph?
No. I promised me Uncle Jackie
I'd fly down to San
Francisco to be with him.
Well, I guess you should
be with your family
this time of year.
It's more traditional.
Except that Jackie
is a transvestite.
Getting a bit long in the
tooth for it, too, if you ask me.
Thanksgiving he
ate too much turkey
and I had to cut him
out of his pantyhose.
Well, merry
Christmas, everybody!
Lilith isn't sending Frederick.
What? Why not?
Oh, apparently
he has this
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
for an incredible Christmas.
A friend of hers
has rented a home in Austria.
What's the matter with
the good old U.S.A.?
Well, apparently,
it's the same house
that they filmed The
Sound of Music in
and that happens to be
Freddie's favorite movie.
Julie Andrews is singing
with the Salzburg chorale.
They're having dinner
with her afterwards.
And there's some nonsense about
a horse-driven sleigh ride
through the snow, and a toboggan
and a balloon trip
through the Alps.
Oh, and, apparently,
on their way back
they're going to spend an
entire day at EuroDisneyland.
Well...
up at the cabin,
there's an old stump
that the local children
seem to enjoy kicking.
You know you have
to let him go, don't you?
Well, of course I
have to let him go.
Thank you for pointing out
that you know what's right.
Hey, I was just making
sure you did, that's all.
Oh, how would I
ever live without you?
Now, now, boys, that's enough.
You're being a good
father letting Frederick go.
NILES: That's right.
It doesn't have to
ruin your Christmas.
Yeah, come on, let's finish
decorating the Christmas tree.
I brought up the good lights
from the storage room.
Oh, Dad, you know what?
I don't want to use
those lights this year.
I picked up these
just yesterday.
Chili peppers?
Yes, they're very fashionable.
Well, chili peppers
aren't Christmas.
Well, for that matter, neither are
Scotch pines or snow ornaments.
For God's sakes, if
you want to be technical
Bethlehem was in the desert.
Fine! Why don't we just
decorate a palm tree?
I don't need your sarcasm.
But I always use those lights.
Look, Dad, Dad, this is my
house, these are my decorations.
Just once can I have one thing
the way I want
it this Christmas?
Hey, look, wait a minute.
I know you're upset
about Freddie, but
don't take it out on me.
Oh, fine, now you're
the psychiatrist?
Oh, I give up. Go
ahead, decorate the thing.
Use your chili peppers.
Oh, I don't want them anymore.
No, go ahead, use them.
You know, maybe we
could hang a few radishes.
Put a nice broccoli on top.
I hope you two aren't going to be
behaving this way up at the cabin.
Oh, we won't, because
I'm not going to the cabin.
What do you mean you're
not going to the cabin?
Where the hell are you going?
I'm staying right here.
Well, you can't stay
alone on Christmas.
I've decided to
fill in for Bulldog.
Somebody will have
a merry Christmas.
Well, merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Roz, Roz, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize that when I
volunteered to work on Christmas
that I would ruin
your plans for the day.
Please don't be mad.
Mad? What for?
My mother just flew all
the way in from Wisconsin
to be here with me
today, but instead I'm back
in this stinking hellhole
on Christmas day
when only the loneliest, most
depressed people on the planet
would ever call in.
But look how nice you
made yourself look for me.
Well, Roz
try to see this thing
from my position.
I couldn't see my son.
I had a terrible
fight with my father.
I was facing a horrible
Christmas, and then I thought
you know, well, maybe if
by trying to help other people
through their troubles it
might get me through mine.
I think if we really try hard
we can maybe have
the best Christmas
we've ever had.
What do you say?
Okay, I'm not mad.
Get ready.
Oh, I need a hug just to
prove that we're still friends.
Frasier, I am not hugging you.
Come on. No, you're grungy.
Come to papa.
Hug, hug, hug, hug!
All right, yuck, we're friends.
Now, get ready, you're on.
Merry Christmas, Seattle!
Yes, this is Dr. Frasier Crane
coming to you on Christmas day...
Christmas, that very
magical time of the year
when each moment is
as unique as a snowflake
never to be re-created.
I'm sorry, Frasier,
the news went over.
You're going to
have to do that again.
Merry Christmas, Seattle!
Well, as we head
into our second hour
I'd like to lighten
things up a bit.
Although, Ned, we were
certainly glad to hear from you
and how you got mugged on your
way home from the soup kitchen.
Roz, who's next?
We have Don on line five.
He wants to tell us about a time
when he was filled
with the Christmas spirit.
It's about time.
Hello, Don!
DON: Hello, Dr. Crane.
Something happened
to me yesterday
that kind of sums up why we
call this the season of giving.
Well, then swaddle
me in Christmas cheer.
Okay, well, you see,
I was driving home
from the gym, and
I suddenly realized
I had left my favorite
old pair of sneakers
on the roof of the car.
So I looked back and
there's this homeless guy
and he'd already picked them
up and he's putting them on
so I just thought,
"What the hell?"
and I kept driving.
So your experience
of the Christmas spirit
would be that you didn't
slam the car into reverse
speed back there and rip a
pair of smelly, old sneakers
out of a homeless man's hands.
Well, Roz, this is special.
I think we've got Santa
Claus himself on the line.
MAN: I'm sorry.
That was the last time.
I'm okay now. I'm really okay.
( sobbing): No, I'm not!
Barry, listen, I've got to
put you on hold for a bit
while you pull yourself together
but please, please,
stay on the line.
I'd really like to help you.
It's all right.
I think I've got
a hold of myself.
( sobbing): No, I don't.
WOMAN: So, you see, Dr. Crane
I've fallen in the
shower so many times
they can't fit any
more pins in my hip.
Gladys, Gladys, uh, listen:
Can I put you on
hold for a second?
There's somebody
else I have to check on.
How's it going there, Barry?
( Barry sobs)
My sentiments exactly.
MAN: It still traumatizes
me, Dr. Crane.
I wake up nights and I
remember that Christmas morning.
I walked into my
mother's bedroom
tears running down my face,
and I said, "Mommy! Mommy!
The puppy Santa gave
me won't wake up."
Okay, Tom.
You win the prize
for the saddest Christmas
story we've heard today.
Happy holidays.
Roz!
Roz!
Roz!
( sobbing)
Oh, have you been crying, Roz?
Just for the last hour.
Oh... oh, listen, why don't
you just go home, honey?
I can take over for
the next two hours.
But you can't do
this on your own.
Oh, sure I can.
Why don't you go
home, be with your mom.
Won't it even be sadder
with you here all by yourself?
I don't think that's possible.
Well, if you really
mean it, I'll go.
I mean it.
But, Frasier,
promise me one thing.
Don't sit here and
get more depressed.
You'll see your
little boy again soon.
I know I will.
Okay. Hug, hug, hug?
( sobbing): Merry Christmas!
Hi. We're back.
Well, you know what?
I realize it's been
a pretty tough day out
there for most of you
and, uh, I'd like to hear now
from someone who's
having a good Christmas...
uh, you know, someone
who has maybe learned
a way to beat the holiday blues.
How about it?
Well, let's take
our first call here.
Hello. You're on the air.
MAN: Hello, Dr. Crane.
This is Jeff.
Hello, Jeff. Merry Christmas!
Well, merry Christmas to you.
I used to get
depressed on Christmas;
and then I found a
surefire way to beat it.
I pop my favorite movie, The
Sound of Music, in the VCR.
Watching Julie Andrews
lead those adorable little tykes
through the streets of Salzburg
nobody could be
depressed, I mean nobody!
Jeff, are you a betting man?
Well, we're just
about out of time.
My, my, this day has flown by.
I'd like to wish all of you
happy revelers out there
a merry Christmas,
and for the rest of you
why don't you go out and treat
yourself to something special?
Personally, I'm going
to go get myself a meal
at one of Seattle's
fine eateries.
I don't know where, but
I promise you one thing
it'll have a liquor license.
Just kidding.
Don't drink and drive.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane,
KACL-780 talk radio.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
Welcome to Lou's.
Thank you.
I'm sure glad you're open.
All the other places in town
are either closed or
were all booked up.
That's what make us so special.
I can bring you
a menu, but almost everybody
is having the Christmas platter.
That's a turkey log
with mashed potatoes
then Yule log for dessert.
How much more appetizing
food always becomes
when you add the word "log."
I'll just have the
Christmas platter.
( yells): Platter!
How you doing?
Okay.
You having a merry Christmas?
Well, now that
you ask, no, I'm not.
Can't be with my son,
had a terrible argument
over something
stupid with my father
and that's why I'm alone.
Oh.
How about you?
Pretty good, actually.
Just yesterday, I was
crossing the street
and this beautiful
pair of sneakers
flew off the back of a
car and landed on my feet.
Merry Christmas!
Here you go.
Well, the chef
didn't exactly dally
over the Remoulade, did he?
Hey, Tim...
merry Christmas.
Hey, Bill, same to you.
Glad you could make it.
Well, I wouldn't miss this.
Hey, how's that turkey platter?
Good as last year's?
I'm not sure this
isn't last year's.
Listen, I'm done here.
Why don't you go
ahead and take this seat?
Oh, geez, thanks, pal.
You bet.
Excuse me, Miss.
Something rather
embarrassing has just happened.
I seem to have lost my wallet.
So you can't pay?
Oh, no, I can pay. I can pay.
I must have just left it
at the office.
WAITRESS: Uh-huh.
Well, I can just go
back there and get it.
Lou, it's all right.
This one's on me.
Oh, no, no, no, you see,
you don't understand, I...
It's okay, buddy,
we've all been there.
Yes, but you see, I really
did misplace my wallet.
I know you did
and Bill here misplaced
his Wall Street portfolio.
Here, Bill, help me out.
Oh... oh, no, no, no.
Hey, everybody... people...
No, that's not necessary.
Come on, come on,
now, let's help a poor man
get a nice Christmas
dinner. Come on.
No, you don't understand.
It doesn't matter,
even pennies, dimes.
I make a very decent
living, I really do.
Thank you very much.
Merry Christmas.
This is not necessary.
Well, I... I must say
I've never been so
touched in my life.
To think that you people
would give up your money
which you can ill afford to
help out a fellow human being.
There you go, Lou.
Gee, I'm still so embarrassed.
Don't be embarrassed.
Look at it this way.
The rest of the year
belongs to the rich people
with their fancy houses
and expensive foreign cars.
But Christmas...
Christmas belongs
to guys like us.
Right.
Well, I never will
forget this Christmas.
Thank you.
Thank you all. Thanks.
Hey!
Somebody lose a set of car keys?
Hey, we're not
buying you dessert.
No, you see, I,
uh... I forgot, uh...
What?
Uh... to wish you
a merry Christmas.
ALL: Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, bud.
Come here.
Since you're here.
Go call your old man.
Thank you.
I think I will.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughing)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
♪ Good night,
Seattle! We love you! ♪
PARAMOUNT PICTURES
FRASIER: Well, I'd like
to take this opportunity
to wish you all the very,
very best of holidays.
Like many of you, I'll
be spending the time
in the loving
embrace of my family
which should give us all plenty
to talk about in the new year.
Meantime, this is
Dr. Frasier Crane
KACL-780 talk radio.
Come on, Frasier.
There's a gin
and tonic out there
with my name on it.
You can tell Father
Mike has had a few.
He's trying to get everyone
to reenact the Nativity scene.
Well, we know who he
can get to play the ass.
( barks)
I'm wearing her down.
Who's that for?
It's for Roz.
"Amazing Trick Microphone...
Squirts Water." Nice!
It's a gag.
We agreed not to exchange gifts.
Listen, Doc, I'm scheduled to do
the noon-to-4:00
slot at Christmas...
Nope.
But, Doc, my whole family
is getting together in Chicago
for the first time
in five years.
I am touched and I don't care.
My sister and her new baby...
Listen, Bulldog
my son Frederick is
flying in tomorrow afternoon
to spend the holidays with me.
Now, I have never looked
so forward to a Christmas
since I was, uh...
well, your size.
( loudly): Did you
tell him yet, Bulldog?
Dave, you don't have to yell.
You're not up in the chopper
giving us a traffic report.
( yelling): I was yelling?
Hey, Doc, you know
Bonnie Weems, right?
Well, I don't actually know her
but she does the
auto show, right?
Right. Bonnie tends to drink
a little more than she
should at these parties
so the newest on-air personality
always drives her home.
That's you, rookie.
Oh, that sounds
like a good tradition.
I'd be delighted
to drive her home.
She'll be delighted
to hear that.
( laughing)
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Dr. Crane.
Oh, merry Christmas, Elizabeth.
I baked you some sugar cookies.
Oh, well, how sweet of you.
Sweets from the sweet.
Would you, by any
chance, happen to know
who's driving Bonnie
Weems home tonight?
Yes. I am. And maybe
you can tell me why...
Hey, everybody, it's the doc!
( laughter)
Roz, would you mind telling me
why everyone
breaks into hysterics
whenever I say that I'm
driving Bonnie Weems home?
Oh, what is that?
Well, Bonnie Weems is
kind of an office legend.
She gets a couple of
drinks under her belt
and she gets a little amorous
and she will not
take no for an answer.
Oh, is that all?
I'm a big boy.
I can take care of myself.
Okay.
Oh, now, listen, Roz, I
know we promised not to
but I couldn't help it.
I was out shopping...
Oh, no! Don't worry, Frasier.
I couldn't help myself, either.
Oh, no. Really?
Merry Christmas!
Oh, Roz, you shouldn't have.
This is just...
Oh, Roz.
Roz, you really shouldn't have.
Now it's my turn.
Oh, don't, don't, don't...
You know, maybe
you should just think
about keeping
that under the tree.
Oh, me wait to open
a Christmas present?
Yeah, right.
Oh, my God, it's great!
It's great because I'm in radio.
That's what I was going for.
Well, thanks a million, Frasier.
Have a happy, happy holiday
and I'll see you next week.
Okay. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Boy!
Dr. Crane?
Yes?
I'm Bonnie Weems.
Well, hello.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'll be driving
you home tonight.
I'm sorry to put you out.
Oh, it's no problem at all.
I'll tell you what.
You just go enjoy the party.
You let me know
when you're ready to go.
I'm ready now, baby.
Hello, Frasier.
Oh, hello, Niles.
Merry Christmas.
To what do I owe this occasion?
Oh, nothing. Just stopped by
to get an opinion on a gift I
was considering for Maris.
Well, it pinches a
bit under the arms
but you be the judge.
Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
Daphne.
Shall I put the little
red one back on
so you can make your choice?
I think Niles has all the
information he needs, thank you.
Fair enough.
You know, Maris and Daphne
are roughly the same size.
Give or take a foot.
Hey, Frasier, where you been?
Well, I... After the
Christmas party
I poured a colleague into a cab
said a quick
prayer for the driver
dislodged the
wedgie of a lifetime...
Then I went out and did
a little bit of last-minute
Christmas shopping.
Niles, some sherry?
Uh, thank you.
You know, Santa Claus is
going to be very, very good
to Frederick this year.
Oh, by the way, Bulldog
called a couple of times.
He wanted to know if you'd
take his slot on Christmas Day.
I already told him no.
How long will that man nag me?
Dad, what are you
doing with that?
I'm going to hang it on the
front door like I always do.
But it's plastic!
Well, of course it's plastic.
You think a real one would
have lasted since 1967?
Here you go.
Oh, I'm glad to be
out of that black one.
I had to take me undies
off just to get the zipper up.
Oh, dear! Let me get that.
( phone ringing)
Hello.
Oh, hi.
Frasier, it's for you.
It's the nag.
Oh, Lord.
Now, listen, Bulldog, I
already told you that...
Oh... oh, hello, Lilith.
No, maybe I should, uh...
I'll take this in the bedroom.
Niles, everything's all set
for tomorrow, right?
Yes. Yes. Maris and I are
driving up to the cabin tonight.
We'll expect you and Frasier
and Frederick
tomorrow around noon.
Oh, I wish I was
coming with you.
So do I.
( yelling on phone)
Oh, shut the hell up, will you?
Daphne... Daphne,
you should come.
We have the most wonderful
traditional Christmas.
It's an actual log cabin
with actual deer
grazing through the snow
in our front yard.
Of course, Maris
fires off her shotgun
from time to time
to scare them away
from our garbage
but, still, it's enchanting.
Yeah. You sure you
can't come, Daph?
No. I promised me Uncle Jackie
I'd fly down to San
Francisco to be with him.
Well, I guess you should
be with your family
this time of year.
It's more traditional.
Except that Jackie
is a transvestite.
Getting a bit long in the
tooth for it, too, if you ask me.
Thanksgiving he
ate too much turkey
and I had to cut him
out of his pantyhose.
Well, merry
Christmas, everybody!
Lilith isn't sending Frederick.
What? Why not?
Oh, apparently
he has this
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
for an incredible Christmas.
A friend of hers
has rented a home in Austria.
What's the matter with
the good old U.S.A.?
Well, apparently,
it's the same house
that they filmed The
Sound of Music in
and that happens to be
Freddie's favorite movie.
Julie Andrews is singing
with the Salzburg chorale.
They're having dinner
with her afterwards.
And there's some nonsense about
a horse-driven sleigh ride
through the snow, and a toboggan
and a balloon trip
through the Alps.
Oh, and, apparently,
on their way back
they're going to spend an
entire day at EuroDisneyland.
Well...
up at the cabin,
there's an old stump
that the local children
seem to enjoy kicking.
You know you have
to let him go, don't you?
Well, of course I
have to let him go.
Thank you for pointing out
that you know what's right.
Hey, I was just making
sure you did, that's all.
Oh, how would I
ever live without you?
Now, now, boys, that's enough.
You're being a good
father letting Frederick go.
NILES: That's right.
It doesn't have to
ruin your Christmas.
Yeah, come on, let's finish
decorating the Christmas tree.
I brought up the good lights
from the storage room.
Oh, Dad, you know what?
I don't want to use
those lights this year.
I picked up these
just yesterday.
Chili peppers?
Yes, they're very fashionable.
Well, chili peppers
aren't Christmas.
Well, for that matter, neither are
Scotch pines or snow ornaments.
For God's sakes, if
you want to be technical
Bethlehem was in the desert.
Fine! Why don't we just
decorate a palm tree?
I don't need your sarcasm.
But I always use those lights.
Look, Dad, Dad, this is my
house, these are my decorations.
Just once can I have one thing
the way I want
it this Christmas?
Hey, look, wait a minute.
I know you're upset
about Freddie, but
don't take it out on me.
Oh, fine, now you're
the psychiatrist?
Oh, I give up. Go
ahead, decorate the thing.
Use your chili peppers.
Oh, I don't want them anymore.
No, go ahead, use them.
You know, maybe we
could hang a few radishes.
Put a nice broccoli on top.
I hope you two aren't going to be
behaving this way up at the cabin.
Oh, we won't, because
I'm not going to the cabin.
What do you mean you're
not going to the cabin?
Where the hell are you going?
I'm staying right here.
Well, you can't stay
alone on Christmas.
I've decided to
fill in for Bulldog.
Somebody will have
a merry Christmas.
Well, merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Roz, Roz, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize that when I
volunteered to work on Christmas
that I would ruin
your plans for the day.
Please don't be mad.
Mad? What for?
My mother just flew all
the way in from Wisconsin
to be here with me
today, but instead I'm back
in this stinking hellhole
on Christmas day
when only the loneliest, most
depressed people on the planet
would ever call in.
But look how nice you
made yourself look for me.
Well, Roz
try to see this thing
from my position.
I couldn't see my son.
I had a terrible
fight with my father.
I was facing a horrible
Christmas, and then I thought
you know, well, maybe if
by trying to help other people
through their troubles it
might get me through mine.
I think if we really try hard
we can maybe have
the best Christmas
we've ever had.
What do you say?
Okay, I'm not mad.
Get ready.
Oh, I need a hug just to
prove that we're still friends.
Frasier, I am not hugging you.
Come on. No, you're grungy.
Come to papa.
Hug, hug, hug, hug!
All right, yuck, we're friends.
Now, get ready, you're on.
Merry Christmas, Seattle!
Yes, this is Dr. Frasier Crane
coming to you on Christmas day...
Christmas, that very
magical time of the year
when each moment is
as unique as a snowflake
never to be re-created.
I'm sorry, Frasier,
the news went over.
You're going to
have to do that again.
Merry Christmas, Seattle!
Well, as we head
into our second hour
I'd like to lighten
things up a bit.
Although, Ned, we were
certainly glad to hear from you
and how you got mugged on your
way home from the soup kitchen.
Roz, who's next?
We have Don on line five.
He wants to tell us about a time
when he was filled
with the Christmas spirit.
It's about time.
Hello, Don!
DON: Hello, Dr. Crane.
Something happened
to me yesterday
that kind of sums up why we
call this the season of giving.
Well, then swaddle
me in Christmas cheer.
Okay, well, you see,
I was driving home
from the gym, and
I suddenly realized
I had left my favorite
old pair of sneakers
on the roof of the car.
So I looked back and
there's this homeless guy
and he'd already picked them
up and he's putting them on
so I just thought,
"What the hell?"
and I kept driving.
So your experience
of the Christmas spirit
would be that you didn't
slam the car into reverse
speed back there and rip a
pair of smelly, old sneakers
out of a homeless man's hands.
Well, Roz, this is special.
I think we've got Santa
Claus himself on the line.
MAN: I'm sorry.
That was the last time.
I'm okay now. I'm really okay.
( sobbing): No, I'm not!
Barry, listen, I've got to
put you on hold for a bit
while you pull yourself together
but please, please,
stay on the line.
I'd really like to help you.
It's all right.
I think I've got
a hold of myself.
( sobbing): No, I don't.
WOMAN: So, you see, Dr. Crane
I've fallen in the
shower so many times
they can't fit any
more pins in my hip.
Gladys, Gladys, uh, listen:
Can I put you on
hold for a second?
There's somebody
else I have to check on.
How's it going there, Barry?
( Barry sobs)
My sentiments exactly.
MAN: It still traumatizes
me, Dr. Crane.
I wake up nights and I
remember that Christmas morning.
I walked into my
mother's bedroom
tears running down my face,
and I said, "Mommy! Mommy!
The puppy Santa gave
me won't wake up."
Okay, Tom.
You win the prize
for the saddest Christmas
story we've heard today.
Happy holidays.
Roz!
Roz!
Roz!
( sobbing)
Oh, have you been crying, Roz?
Just for the last hour.
Oh... oh, listen, why don't
you just go home, honey?
I can take over for
the next two hours.
But you can't do
this on your own.
Oh, sure I can.
Why don't you go
home, be with your mom.
Won't it even be sadder
with you here all by yourself?
I don't think that's possible.
Well, if you really
mean it, I'll go.
I mean it.
But, Frasier,
promise me one thing.
Don't sit here and
get more depressed.
You'll see your
little boy again soon.
I know I will.
Okay. Hug, hug, hug?
( sobbing): Merry Christmas!
Hi. We're back.
Well, you know what?
I realize it's been
a pretty tough day out
there for most of you
and, uh, I'd like to hear now
from someone who's
having a good Christmas...
uh, you know, someone
who has maybe learned
a way to beat the holiday blues.
How about it?
Well, let's take
our first call here.
Hello. You're on the air.
MAN: Hello, Dr. Crane.
This is Jeff.
Hello, Jeff. Merry Christmas!
Well, merry Christmas to you.
I used to get
depressed on Christmas;
and then I found a
surefire way to beat it.
I pop my favorite movie, The
Sound of Music, in the VCR.
Watching Julie Andrews
lead those adorable little tykes
through the streets of Salzburg
nobody could be
depressed, I mean nobody!
Jeff, are you a betting man?
Well, we're just
about out of time.
My, my, this day has flown by.
I'd like to wish all of you
happy revelers out there
a merry Christmas,
and for the rest of you
why don't you go out and treat
yourself to something special?
Personally, I'm going
to go get myself a meal
at one of Seattle's
fine eateries.
I don't know where, but
I promise you one thing
it'll have a liquor license.
Just kidding.
Don't drink and drive.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane,
KACL-780 talk radio.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
Welcome to Lou's.
Thank you.
I'm sure glad you're open.
All the other places in town
are either closed or
were all booked up.
That's what make us so special.
I can bring you
a menu, but almost everybody
is having the Christmas platter.
That's a turkey log
with mashed potatoes
then Yule log for dessert.
How much more appetizing
food always becomes
when you add the word "log."
I'll just have the
Christmas platter.
( yells): Platter!
How you doing?
Okay.
You having a merry Christmas?
Well, now that
you ask, no, I'm not.
Can't be with my son,
had a terrible argument
over something
stupid with my father
and that's why I'm alone.
Oh.
How about you?
Pretty good, actually.
Just yesterday, I was
crossing the street
and this beautiful
pair of sneakers
flew off the back of a
car and landed on my feet.
Merry Christmas!
Here you go.
Well, the chef
didn't exactly dally
over the Remoulade, did he?
Hey, Tim...
merry Christmas.
Hey, Bill, same to you.
Glad you could make it.
Well, I wouldn't miss this.
Hey, how's that turkey platter?
Good as last year's?
I'm not sure this
isn't last year's.
Listen, I'm done here.
Why don't you go
ahead and take this seat?
Oh, geez, thanks, pal.
You bet.
Excuse me, Miss.
Something rather
embarrassing has just happened.
I seem to have lost my wallet.
So you can't pay?
Oh, no, I can pay. I can pay.
I must have just left it
at the office.
WAITRESS: Uh-huh.
Well, I can just go
back there and get it.
Lou, it's all right.
This one's on me.
Oh, no, no, no, you see,
you don't understand, I...
It's okay, buddy,
we've all been there.
Yes, but you see, I really
did misplace my wallet.
I know you did
and Bill here misplaced
his Wall Street portfolio.
Here, Bill, help me out.
Oh... oh, no, no, no.
Hey, everybody... people...
No, that's not necessary.
Come on, come on,
now, let's help a poor man
get a nice Christmas
dinner. Come on.
No, you don't understand.
It doesn't matter,
even pennies, dimes.
I make a very decent
living, I really do.
Thank you very much.
Merry Christmas.
This is not necessary.
Well, I... I must say
I've never been so
touched in my life.
To think that you people
would give up your money
which you can ill afford to
help out a fellow human being.
There you go, Lou.
Gee, I'm still so embarrassed.
Don't be embarrassed.
Look at it this way.
The rest of the year
belongs to the rich people
with their fancy houses
and expensive foreign cars.
But Christmas...
Christmas belongs
to guys like us.
Right.
Well, I never will
forget this Christmas.
Thank you.
Thank you all. Thanks.
Hey!
Somebody lose a set of car keys?
Hey, we're not
buying you dessert.
No, you see, I,
uh... I forgot, uh...
What?
Uh... to wish you
a merry Christmas.
ALL: Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, bud.
Come here.
Since you're here.
Go call your old man.
Thank you.
I think I will.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughing)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
♪ Good night,
Seattle! We love you! ♪