Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 15 - You Can't Tell a Crook by His Cover - full transcript

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT PICTURES

Okay, Dad, now you've
seen the executive offices

the advertising offices
and the lunchroom.

We have now finally come

to the sanctum
sanctorum: my studio.

Oh, you might recognize

that handsome rogue over there.

Wow. your head photographs

even bigger than it is.

Very droll.

Get in here.



This is what we in the
radio game call the "booth."

It's here that I
sit day after day

and dispense the advice that
helps the emotionally distraught

through their troubled lives.

Suppose this
stuff's bulletproof?

Dad, you know, you could
have gone home after lunch.

I just brought you here because
I thought you'd enjoy this.

No! Don't touch that!

It's a very sophisticated
piece of electronic equipment.

What is it?

I have no idea.

Roz told me never to touch it.

See, Dad, the
usual procedure is...

Testing. Testing!



Dad, Dad, Dad.

Dad. look, let's just go
into Roz's booth, okay?

You can touch anything
you want to in there.

Hey, Frasier.

Oh, hello, Roz.

Hi, Mr. Crane. Hi.

What brings you here?

Oh, just showing Dad around.

Then he's going to sit
and listen to the show.

It's kind of like payback

for when Frasier
and Niles were kids.

I used to take them
to the police station

and show them where I worked.

Yes, he used to make a big game

of locking us in
one of the cells

and then pretending
to lose the key.

I was just joking with them.

I knew they weren't scared.

No, we weren't really scared.

After a while, we did
become quite hungry.

Hey, Frasier, could
you lend me ten bucks?

Did you leave your
wallet home or something?

No. I gave the last of
my money to this poor guy

down in front of the building.

He's an Australian
tourist, he lost his wallet

and he just
needed ten dollars...

MARTIN: So he could take a cab

to the Australian
consulate before it closes?

Yeah. How did you know?

There is no Australian
consulate in Seattle.

Oh, that poor guy.

Roz, it's a scam.

He scammed you.

No. This guy was
for real... Honest.

He even said...

"If you give me your address

I'll send you the money
back with interest."

God...

I'm an idiot.

No, don't feel bad.

These guys are professionals.

( tape rewinding)

Don't touch that!

What is this place?

A radio station or a
nuclear missile site?

Listen, Roz, don't feel bad.

I was a cop for 30 years

and they can still fake me out

once in a while.

These guys are professionals.

They know what to do.

Especially if you're
an easy mark like Roz.

Hey, the criminal mind is
more complex than you think.

They can fool you.

Oh, Dad, lecture me

on the complexities
of the human mind?

Are you forgetting that
I graduated with honors

from Harvard in
psychosocial behaviorism?

I know. I was at your
graduation... impressive bunch.

A car backfired and half
of them wet their gowns.

It sounded louder on the dais.

All I'm trying to say is

if it were me on the street, I
wouldn't have been fooled.

Oh, you think, because
of your book smarts

you can spot a crook
just like that, huh?

If I can't, I'm in the
wrong business.

You want to put your
money where you mouth is?

What do you mean?

I got three people

coming over for poker tonight.

Two of them are cops

the third one's
done time in jail.

I'll bet you five bucks

you can't tell which
one's the ex-con.

Hey, can I get in on the action?

Of course you can.

Great.

Ten bucks on your dad.

Oh, you're itching to give your
money away today, aren't you?

All right, you're both on.

But I think you're
underestimating me.

What troubles are to pigs

so are these charlatans
and pettifoggers

to my mental acuity.

We didn't know better back then.

His mother smoked
during pregnancy.

So, who are these people
coming over tonight?

Oh, just some of Dad's
old friends from the precinct.

Yeah, well, if we're
having company

someone should
have been cleaned up

because someone hasn't
been smelling so fresh lately

because someone is
long overdue for a tub.

Hey, I took a
shower this morning.

You know I was
talking about Eddie.

He's long overdue for a ba...

Don't! Don't say that word.

What word?

B-a-t-h.

When he yawns, it may
smell like swamp gas

but his spelling's improving.

( doorbell rings)

I've made meatball
sandwiches, pepperoni pizzas

and little sausage rolls.

Will you be needing
anything else?

The number of the
nearest gastroenterologist.

Hey, guys, come on in.

These are my poker pals.

This is Linda, Frank and Jimmy.

This is my son, Frasier.

Linda, Frank, Jimmy.
Nice to meet you.

Throw your coats on the couch.

Kind of hard to tell, isn't it?

They all look
like they did time.

Well, my dad tells
me he's filled you in

on our little bet.

Now, the ground
rules for tonight are that

I'm not allowed to
ask questions directly

about your line of work

but whatever questions I do ask

you must answer truthfully.

All I want to do is play cards.

Great place you
got here, Martin.

Oh, thanks.

Actually, it's mine.

Boy, you must do pretty well
on that radio show of yours.

What is this place,
about 2,000 square feet?

Yeah, about.

Hmm. That's interesting.

You noticed the space.

Most people usually
mention the view

or the high ceilings

but you... you
mentioned the space.

It's almost as if
you'd spent some time

living in a cramped,
confining, tight area.

So you've been to
Jimmy's apartment, huh?

Hello, there.

Oh, hi, Daphne.

This is Daphne Moon.

These are my friends,
Linda, Frank, Jimmy.

Daphne.

That's a very pretty name.

People call you Daffy for short?

Not twice.

Well...

it's nice to meet all of you.

Here you go. I've got
beers for everyone.

Still drinking
Ballantine's, I see.

Yeah. When you kick off, that
company's going down the tubes.

Oh, yeah.

Many's the time I come home

and see cans lined up

one after another
on the coffee table

like little tin soldiers...

Yeah, thanks a lot, Daphne.

Don't you have a dog to wash?

Well, I suppose I do.

Course, I have to catch
the little bugger first.

Maybe one of these would help.

Hey, beer's not good for dogs.

No, but it's super for me.

Hey, Marty, she's pretty nice.

Yeah, and sexy,
too, you dirty old man.

Oh...

Interesting.

You find her attractive, do you?

Sure. Don't you?

Yes, but I mean...

attraction to one's own sex
is a not uncommon result

of long, enforced
periods of time

spent exclusively
in their company.

Ah, Frasier, I may have
underestimated you.

Really?

Yeah, you're making

a bigger jackass of yourself

than I thought.

High card deals.

You know, we could
really use some music.

Anybody play the harmonica?

All right, my deal.

Dollar ante to start

five card draw

jacks or better to open

and a three-raise maximum.

You sure you don't
want to play, Fras?

Oh, no, no, no. I'll
just take this time

to observe the triumvirate.

I will use my
considerable education

my years of study,
and not to mention...

well, all right

let's say it...

My God-given gift to intuit.

This is the kid who used to get

his head flushed
in the toilet, right?

All right, I call.

What do you got?

Full boat, aces up.

Damn it! That's another one.

I'm losing my shirt here.

Would somebody mind giving
me a hand with the coffee?

Yeah. I'll give you a hand.

Come along, then.

I really like your accent.

Where are you from?

Manchester.

Manchester. That's where
the Beatles are from, right?

Oh, no, no. You're
thinking Liverpool.

Then who's from Manchester?

No one.

That's why I live here now.

You've been awfully quiet there.

I'm sorry, Dad.
Just been observing.

No, no, don't apologize.

It was a compliment.

Frank's an interesting
study, isn't he?

Temper, loner, bit unsocial.

Almost a stereotypical portrait

of a man who spent his
entire life behind bars.

This dish a Lalique
or a Steuben?

They had no spots open
in the prison laundry.

He worked in fine
china and glasswares.

Well, here you go, big winner.

Buy yourself something
pretty and frilly.

Sorry, Frank, I can't hear you.

I've got your money
stuck in my ears.

Well, I guess there's
only one thing left.

How about it, Fras?

You figure it out yet?

Actually, I believe I have.

Shall we step into
the drawing room?

Please have a seat.

Okay, Sherlock,
you got center stage.

Well...

I have sketched an
accurate psychological profile

of each one of you

and in so doing

I have come to the
incontrovertible conclusion

that the criminal among
us can only be... Frank!

MARTIN: Wrong.

Frank's a highly
decorated undercover cop.

Exactly!

Just a little too obvious.

You know...

the broken vocabulary,
the jailhouse pallor

the underdeveloped
social skills...

Hey!

So you tried to use

psychology against me, did you?

Threw a gender-bender at me

thinking that I
would just assume

that a felon would
naturally be a man.

Well, I'm on to your
little game, mister.

The criminal among us is
indeed the very wily Linda!

Nope.

Jimmy!

You're right.

Jimmy... damn... I...

but you seem like
such a nice guy.

I am a nice guy.

He was voted most
congenial in his cellblock.

JIMMY: Sorry, Doc. I'm afraid

you owe your old man five bucks.

I'm afraid I do.

Oh.

You could probably use this.

LINDA: You know,
it's been a lot of laughs

but it's getting late.

We better get going.

Yeah, you're right.
Thanks a lot, Marty.

Yeah, it was great.

Very pleasant.

You all come again
anytime you like.

Hopefully when
we're here, of course.

Good night, Marty.

See you.

Next week, Marty.

Jimmy.

Boy, who would have thought?

How do you even
know that guy, Dad?

Oh, he was a jailhouse snitch.

He helped us out
a couple of times.

He's great company

but I wouldn't trust
him for a second

if he wasn't surrounded by cops.

Who was a jailhouse snitch?

Jimmy.

Jimmy's an ex-con?

Well, you certainly
proved your point.

I feel stupid as hell.

DAPHNE: I feel

rather a fool meself.

Why would you care
one way or another?

Because... I've agreed to go
out with Jimmy tomorrow night.

You did what?

He asked me if I'd like to
go out for drinks with him

to a place called
the Topaz Room...

Meet some of his friends.

It sounded harmless enough.

It's out of the question!

You're going to have
to call him and cancel!

But you said yourself he
was fun to spend time with.

I said do time with.

No, no. You just can't go.

That's all there is
to it. Case closed.

Excuse me, Dad.

If I can interrupt

that self-righteous police
mentality for a second

don't you believe
in second chances?

I did, then we had Niles.

Well, I believe that

when a man has
paid his debt to society

he deserves a fresh start.

I see no harm in her
going out with him once.

Well, I do. She's not going.

I say she is!

I say she isn't!

She is! She is not!

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Might I interject
one tiny thought

into this conversation?

Of course, Daphne.

Belt up! Both of you!

It may have escaped your notice

but I happen to be a grown woman

and nobody has told me
whom I might or might not date

since I was a schoolgirl,
and I didn't listen then!

Now, when I've quite
made up my mind

what I plan to do about
Jimmy, I'll let you know.

But, right now, I'm
going to my room.

You two hens have
wasted enough of my time.

That would have been
a very dramatic exit

if only her room
was down that hall.

I still don't think she should
be going out with that guy.

Oh, don't worry. She won't.

How do you know?

Well, because she has too
much respect for your opinion.

She won't go against your
wishes if I'm any judge of character.

Oh, dear God.

What can I get you?

I'll have a decaf latte

and please be sure
to use skim milk.

I'll have the same.

Got it.

Two Gutless Wonders!

Thank you.

Certainly playing fast
and loose with his tips

for a man who drives a van.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Frasier.

How was your encounter

with Dad's poker
buddies last night?

I must tell you...

The picture of you trying
to make conversation

with Dad's blue-collar
cronies all evening is priceless.

When I told Maris about it

it was all she could do to
keep her eyes from dancing.

Actually, it was really
rather interesting.

You know, one of them actually
did time in prison for fraud.

Good Lord! What was he like?

Actually, he was
quite personable.

You know Dad...
He's so judgmental.

He is, and I've often
condemned him for it.

For some reason, just
because the man was in prison

he seems to have
marked him for life.

Ridiculous. Not all
criminals are recidivists.

I've seen many cases where

after they've paid
their debt to society

they've gone on to
lead productive lives.

Dad's just being narrow-minded.

Yes. I almost had to sedate him

when Daphne
announced she was going

to go out with him.

Frasier, I hope you're just
yanking my giggle chain.

What do you mean?

You're telling me that

you're letting this
delicate English rose

be sullied by some sociopath?

Niles, he passed bad checks.

He's not a sociopath.

He's a degenerate who
should be put away forever.

You haven't even met him.

Oh, for God's sake!

They're all depraved animals!

Here's your coffee.
Anything else?

Yes, the check,
please, and quickly!

Frasier, we've
got to rescue her.

Oh, Niles, Niles, just sit
down and relax, for God sakes.

You're being irrational.

Don't you dare
call me irrational!

You know that makes me crazy!

Now, Niles, Niles, listen.

I think Jimmy's a
perfectly nice guy.

And, besides, Daphne
can take care of herself.

I don't care. I'm
going after her.

I'm not without resources.

My tae kwon do
instructor tells me

I'm just two moves away from
becoming quite threatening.

Niles, just listen
to me for a second.

You know perfectly well
she'll resent any interference.

Now, if you want to make a
fool of yourself, go right ahead

but don't ask me to join you.

That's fine. Just tell
me where they went.

Oh, someplace called
the, uh... the Topaz Room.

The Topaz Room? I thought
the cops shut that place down

after the last shooting.

I'll drive.

Your shot, girlie.

Before you take that shot

why don't we make this
a little more interesting?

All you have to do to win

is run those last five balls.

So what do you say
we double our bet?

Oh, well, I might as well.

I never really have
understood this game.

I never understood it

when I started playing
with me older brothers

at the age of six.

And I never understood it

during all my formative years

spent mostly in the pool
halls of Manchester...

playing in local competitions

and club tournaments...

winning cup after
cup after cup...

until our poor dad had
to convert the pantry

into a trophy room.

And I can't really claim

to understand it... eight ball
in far corner... even today.

But I certainly do enjoy it.

Thank you, gentlemen.

And now, if you'll excuse me

I'm going to attempt
to use the ladies' room

without touching anything.

Geez, look at this place.

I've never felt so
conspicuous in my life.

We'll simply try to blend in.

Fortunately...

fortunately, I haven't shaved

in several hours.

You should loosen your tie.

Yes, and you might try
tucking in your watch fob.

That happens to be
a Phi Beta Kappa key.

Oh. Well, then, by all
means, let it dangle.

Perhaps they have
a local chapter.

Actually, this is
quite stimulating

in a "Lower Depths" sort of way.

I've always been
something of a squalor buff.

You know, the only problem is

I don't see... I don't
see Daphne or Jimmy.

Excuse me.

Has a young woman
been in here this evening

approximately five-foot-nine
and three-quarters

with skin the color
of Devonshire cream

and the sort of eyes that
gaze directly into one's soul

with neither
artifice nor evasion?

This would be an
Englishwoman named Daphne.

Oh, yeah, the one that
came in with Jimmy.

Well, she was over there
shooting pool a minute ago.

I think she stepped in the back.

What happened to Jimmy?

He tried to get fresh with her.

She threw a hammerlock on
him and ran him out of here.

That babe can
take care of herself.

I told you so.

Good riddance, too.

The guy was no good.

I knew it the first
time I saw him.

You can always tell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, Niles.

You've had your
walk on the wild side

Let's get out of here.

What about Daphne?

Well, come on. You heard
what she did to Jimmy.

Think how mad she'll be
if she should find us here.

You're right. Let's
make ourselves scarce.

Good Lord! There she is.

Oh, oh... God! I'm sorry.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm sorry. I was just trying...

You made me miss that shot.

I'm sorry.

I had 200 bucks
riding on that shot.

Really sorry.

Where do you think you're going?

I'll be back. I was just going

to put another
quarter in the meter.

The meters don't run at
night, and neither do you.

Oh, that is a rather
amusing play on words.

You're a regular
George S. Kaufman.

We must tell our
friends about this place.

You owe me $200.

Well, I'd gladly pay you

but I don't have that
kind of cash on me.

Even if he did, it
would be absurd

to bring it into
a place like this

with the kind of element
that you run into...

Niles!

Maybe I could write you a check?

My element don't take checks.

I think maybe we should
take these guys outside

and wise them up.

Oh, I don't really think
that's necessary at all.

Oh, my goodness!

What are you two doing here?

We might ask you the same thing.

This happens to be one
of our favorite haunts.

Actually, Maris and I had
our rehearsal dinner here.

The place was different then.

It was more of a garden room

and there was a trellis
over there where the bar...

Shut up, Niles.

You followed me, didn't you?

Oh, Daphne, we were
worried about you.

Excuse me, lady

but it seems like your friends

can't seem to come up with

the $200 they owe me

so I'm going to have to, uh...

pardon my French...

beat the crap out of them.

I'm a psychiatrist.

Maybe we could take
this out in sessions.

It seems you have
some control issues...

Outside!

Wait! I have money.

How'd you like to go for
double or nothing, sport?

On what?

Well, you look
like a betting man.

I'll wager...

I can sink these five balls

with a single shot.

If I do

these boys are square.

If I miss, you
double your money.

Hey, I don't mind
taking your money

but I was kind
of looking forward

to pulping this guy.

Yeah, well, we won't quibble.

If I miss, you can pulp him.

Tell you what... I'm
feeling generous tonight.

I'll throw in the
little one as well.

What did she mean by
that, "Throw in the little one"?

And what in God's
name is pulping?

You're on.

Okay...

but just to make sure
this is on the up-and-up

let's use six balls.

Instead of sinking
all five with one shot

how about sinking all six?

Do that and I'll
forget the 200 bucks.

Fair enough.

Need a bit of chalk for me cue.

Does it matter in what
order I make them?

Daphne!

Hey, lady...

if you make any of them

it'll be a miracle.

Right.

Well...

here goes nothing.

Run for it!

( laughing)

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Quite stylish ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again ♪

♪ Scrambled eggs
all over my face ♪

♪ What is a boy to do? ♪

Good night, everybody!