Four Weddings and a Funeral (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Love, Chalet - full transcript

Previously on "Four
Weddings and a Funeral"...

Your father and I have been happy

to help you out the
last couple of years,

but after that extravagant wedding,

we have reached our limit.

I'm staying, Mom.

I admire your tenacity,
because we're cutting you off.

Oh, God.

Your father told me that you're
interested in an arranged marriage.

- Fatima.
- Kash.

We can shake hands.



Great.

Giles looks in good spirits, at least.

Is he all packed and
ready for boarding school?

Actually, Giles isn't going
back to Cragscross on Monday.

What Giles really needs...

What Giles needs is
to be with his mother.

My name's Zara.

I'm a Virgo by birth, Gemini by choice,

and I'm looking for love.

And that's what I wish for all of you...

that you find someone

who makes you a better version of you

than you would ever be on your own...

who you'd be utterly lost without.



I'm in love with you, Maya.

Hey.

Morning, Duffy.

Oh, uh...

I was just grabbing my glasses.

- Oh.
- Could you, actually?

Thanks.

Holy shit, Maya?

I'm late.

Sorry.

So... what's the play here?

Do we talk about this?

Yeah, no, we definitely should, right?

It's just... if I'm not at Peath
when they boys wake up,

they go full-on Lord of the Flies.

One time they flushed an
entire kid down the toilet.

Maybe we can talk about this tonight

over, um, dinner?

- Uh, sure.
- Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Great.

I'll see you tonight.

- Great.
- Okay.

Bye.

- Oh, nice to see you, Duffy.
- Yeah.

Are you sure you can't
stay for breakfast?

- I have cinnamon rolls.
- Oh, yeah, sorry.

- Got to make a train.
- Oh, well, well...

I hope enjoyed your stay
here at Chez Amour!

Maya, Maya!

I can't believe I am sitting on the bed

where you and Duffy had sex.

Oh, my God, stop being a loser.

No, this is amazing.

You are finally with someone nice.

It's not just someone. It's Duffy.

- So?
- I've known him since we were 18.

His mom did my bunion surgery.

But he's in love with you.

He's always been in love with you.

Haven't you at least thought about it?

Sure, I've always thought he was cute.

And then he'd show up to
graduation in a Jedi outfit,

and I'd be like, "Uh, never mind."

Okay, is that worse than Ted?

Or that jerk who cheated
on you with that girl

who looked exactly like his sister?

Derek. He's actually in jail.

Why, because he and his sister...

- Insider trading.
- Ugh, boring.

You don't even date interesting jerks.

Look, you have known Duffy forever,

so you know what a good guy he is.

Isn't it worth just a little shot?

- Let me ask you one question...
- The sex was... good.

"Good". That's it? "Good"?

- Okay, fine, it was great.
- I knew it. I knew it.

Oh, my God, yes, yes!

Stop it!

Oh, my God, I don't know
where that pillow's been.

Stop!

Mate, Zara's a TV star.

Reality TV?

Relax, this will be over soon.

Zara won't last a
week without her phone.

I don't know. She's
already everyone's favorite.

Basheer thinks she'll
end up with Duncan,

the guy who teaches blind children

because the seeing ones
find him too attractive.

Sorry, mate. I wasn't thinking.

It's all right.

I mean, people don't really
find love on this show, right?

Well, the people who won
Love Chalet last year

are already on baby number
two, so... oh, my God, sorry.

Fatima's obsessed with this stuff.

She was telling me
about it all last night.

Oh, that's the third time

I heard you mention Fatima today.

Do I hear mosque bells?

It's hard to tell with
these chaperoned dates.

We're not even allowed to hold hands.

I don't know what to tell you, man.

Zara and I had sex on our first date

before the main course arrived.

God, I miss her.

Can you believe Giles
and I took the Tube here?

It was quite a thrill.

Someone drew a phallus
on an advertisement.

Mummy, I have eight
kills! All headshots!

Oh, that's wonderful, darling.

He never told me
things like that before.

So...

are you two doing okay?

All things considered.

Giles is relieved not to
be going back to Cragscross.

- Mm.
- He starts Peath in two weeks.

Peath? That's perfect.
Duffy can keep an eye on him.

Yes, I agree. It's not ideal.

But I'm more concerned about my role.

How am I gonna help
Giles with his homework?

And what do I pack him for lunch?

Steak?

Raisins? I'm overwhelmed.

Oh, girl, my mom used
to pack me cottage cheese

and a picture of Miss
America for inspiration.

You're gonna be fine.

Oh, I just want Giles to be okay.

He still insists on sleeping
in my bed every night.

He's very fragile right now.

Mummy, I've killed them all!

I've won!

- Yeah!
- Sweet, isn't it?

Yeah!

Yeah!

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

- Duffy...
- Hey, last night was...

Whew. Yeah, um... no, please.

- You go, you go.
- No, please, after you.

Look, I obviously like you,

and I obviously have always liked you

and not just because you look like you.

I think you're really smart,

and I think you fight
for things that matter.

Do you remember when you
convinced us to occupy Wall Street

and I almost died of trench foot?

Yeah, I remember that.

I don't have any
regrets about last night

except that I wish I would've
told you how I felt sooner.

I guess I was just afraid

that you wouldn't feel the same way.

And seeing you now, I
realize that you don't,

and I really wish I would've
let you speak first.

Oh, my God.

Duffy, you're one of my best friends...

Hey, no, I get it. It
was a one-time thing.

We shall never speak of it again.

Could we get the check, please?

Duffy, will you let me finish?

You're one of my best friends...

Yeah.

Which is why...

I feel like this could be really good.

I-I want to give it a try.

Wait, are you serious?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Just to be clear, you're talking
boyfriend and girlfriend, right?

Yes.

Okay, yeah.

No, I would... I would
really love that as well.

It's week two of Love Chalet,

and things are really heating up.

Come on!

I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.

- Oh.
- Yes, thank you.

Here, let me feed you some fondue.

Mmm.

That's delicious.

I can't eat too much cheese.
It inflames my colon.

I love learning more about you.

Did you know I'm an aspiring bartender?

- No.
- Mm-hmm.

- That's so cool.
- I know, right?

Duncan, you smell amazing.

Thanks, I'm using a new scent.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I knew you'd been using my cologne!

I write my name on the
bottle for a reason, dimwit.

What, you can't read or something?

Hey, you know I can read.

I just told you I started Percy Jackson.

You and Percy both got a lot in common,

'cause you're both thieves.

Hey, dude, spoiler alert!

Don't you get it?

I just wanted to smell like you.

I love the way that you smell.

- You do?
- Yeah.

I love everything about you.

Oh, nice.

I did not see that coming.

God, this show is so great.

You're the smartest girl in here, Zar.

You did really great solving
that sexy snow puzzle today.

I cheated.

I bribed the producer to tell me

which ice chest had the thong in it.

Wow.

Wow, I never would've
thought to do that.

I just really, really wanted to win.

Why?

Do you just, like, really like puzzles?

No, because the prize
was this date with you.

Oh.

Zara's found love.

Good for her.

Oh, that spells "breath",
honey, which is gross.

You need an E on the end for "breathe",

which is merely trite.

Do you think I like selling
decorative letters, Tony 2?

I know they're basic,

but they also pay our R-E-N-T.

Point.

Oh, hi!

Isn't today Giles's first day at Peath?

- I just dropped him off.
- Well, how'd it go?

Oh, what you'd expect, really...

crying, screaming, running
off to hide in a tree.

- Giles was even worse.
- It'll get easier.

- For both of you.
- I hope so.

And to be honest, I could
use a little peace and quiet.

I'm so sick of Giles making us watch

these dreadful films made of drawings.

Cartoons?

Mm, that's the one.

When our lips first touched,

it was like lightning striking.

Yeah, or that lightning
that makes a sound.

- Thunder, babe.
- Yes.

Thunder, yeah. Like
Thunder from Down Under.

- You know, I was in that.
- Mm.

- Were you?
- Yeah.

Do you know what?

Like, the first time
I kissed Zara, right?

I felt nearly as good as
when I first lifted 150 kg.

Oh, my God.

Zara's sending me signals!

- What?
- On the show!

Zara kissed Garrett, and I was like,

"Well, that's it. It's over."

But then she scratched her forehead.

Wait, Zara kissed Garrett?

- Are you not watching?
- No, it's DVR'd.

Maya's coming over later to watch,

so, actually, if you could not
give any more spoilers, Craig...

Duffy, shut up.

When Zara and I were dating,
we had a signal at parties

for when we needed to be rescued

from talking to someone lame.

We scratched our foreheads.

Okay.

So what I'm telling you is
that after she kissed that guy,

she scratched her forehead!

She's trying to
communicate with me, man.

She wants me back, baby.

Or maybe she just has an itchy forehead.

No way, man.

Listen, Zara used to scratch
her forehead all the time.

Like, every single
time she talked to me.

Wait.

- What do I do?
- Nothing.

Craig, look, next week
we'll all watch together,

and if we agree that the person
on the TV is talking to you,

then we will figure something out.

Okay.

Okay, yeah, t-that makes sense.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, of course, pal.

Bye.

Oh...

Hey.

What are you smiling about?

I was just thinking to myself,

"If I could go back in time
and tell 19-year-old Duffy

that one day I'd be
lying in bed next to you,

I would not believe it."

That's what you would do if
you could go back in time?

You wouldn't, like, kill Hitler

or tell John Travolta how
to pronounce Idina Menzel?

No, no.

I would just have a chat with myself.

Okay, I'm gonna go to the dining hall

and get us some breakfast.

Yes.

Western omelet with
tater tots on the side?

You know me so well.

Like, too well?

You know, like you feel
you're dating your brother?

'Cause I could try to
know you not so well.

Usually at this point in a relationship,

I'm still waking up early,
brushing my teeth,

and then sneaking back into bed.

Right.

- Did you do that?
- No.

- Oh, no, my breath is... stinks.
- You're a liar.

- No, no.
- Breathe on me.

No, it's disgusting. No, Maya.

I can smell the mint from here.

I just don't want to mess this up.

There's nothing to mess up.

All right, I got to get those tots

before Bernard does.

Okay.

_

_

- Good morning!
- Ugh, hi.

Um, I have to leave early.

I'm hosting a Love Chalet party.

Oh, okay, fine.

I am going to my own Love
Chalet party at Craig's,

so don't feel bad about
not inviting me to yours.

I would never...

invite you or feel bad.

- Ugh.
- Oh, hi.

- Hello.
- May we help you?

Yes. My name is Harper Dylan.

I'm going through a divorce,

and I need to decorate my home
to within an inch of its life.

- Oh.
- Hi, I'm Ainsley Howard.

It's so lovely to meet
you. This is Tony 2.

I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce.

I'm certainly not.

So, um...

what can we do for you?

I am getting the six-bedroom town house

and everything in it in the divorce.

Your job is to pack it as
full of stuff as you can

before the settlement is final

and before my joint account goes poof.

So, um, how would you
describe your design aesthetic?

Expensive and spiteful.

Oh, my God, I am living for you.

- I was about to quit this job
- _

before you walked through that door.

I was hoping after 13 years

that my ex and I might be
able to part with some dignity,

but then he set all my shoes on fire.

So the gloves are off.

He also set all my gloves on fire.

♪ You've got me shook, boy ♪

I hope you don't judge me.

Oh, no, I would never judge you.

I was recently left at the altar,

so, hmm, I get it.

I have a feeling you and I are
going to be very good friends.

Mm.

Thanks.

_

I got to run.

I got people coming
over to my house soon.

- What are you up to tonight?
- Nothing.

Fatima canceled our date

because her nani has to watch
Britain's Got Talent.

She's in love with the guy
who plays piano with his feet.

You know what?

I'm having people over
to my house tonight

to watch Love Chalet.

- Why don't you come?
- Yeah, right.

- What about Ainsley?
- No, she bailed.

It'll be just you, Maya,
Duffy, and my kale salad,

just in case Duffy orders from
that Thai food place that I hate.

Maya will be there? And Duffy, too?

- Yeah, I'll try and make it.
- Awesome.

Hey, and do you mind bringing napkins,

ice, paper plates, plastic forks,

and two microwavable-safe serving bowls?

What?

I'm not good at throwing parties.

Zara used to do it.

I'm still wrapping my head around this.

I know, I know. It's crazy, right?

It's amazing.

Now we've both seen Duffy naked.

So how's it going?

Uh, it's good.

I mean, it's weird 'cause
we've known each other forever,

so we've kind of skipped

the, like, awkward,
nervous, excited part.

But it's good.

As long as you got that spark,

nothing else matters,
you know what I mean?

Like, that feeling that
maybe if you were separated

by time or space or a reality show,

you'd still be destined to be together.

- Hello, and welcome to Love Chalet.
- Oh, shit, it's starting.

- Duffy!
- Yep.

- Move your ass!
- This scene is so hot...

it's gonna melt mountains.

I like your bag, Zara.

Oh, thanks. I got it on TheRealReal.

What you keep in there?
All your secrets and lies?

Oh.

You don't have to be so mean.

You're not here for the right reasons.

Yes!

See? Look! That's it!

She gets into an argument and
instantly scratches her head!

That's her saying, "Craig,
please come get me."

Look, dude, you obviously
really miss her...

No! I know you think I'm
crazy, but I'm not, okay?

This is magic couple ESP.

It's like our hearts
are two Bluetooth devices

paired together.

Yeah, yeah...

Hey, what's up, Zar?

Catriona is being
unnecessarily confrontational.

Hey, listen, don't cry, love.

She's just mad because
Ronnie took Nigella

on his one-on-one
s'mores date, all right?

- Come here.
- All right, now, here we go.

Scratch time.

Anytime now, Zar.
Just scratch your head.

Come on, now, girl.

Oh, Garrett, you're amazing.

Is dry-humping a hot
dude one of your signals?

Hey, Craig.

Special delivery... two studs.

And we bought you
eco-friendly paper products.

Ba-ba-ba-bam-bam. For you, brother.

Hey, Maya. Everyone.

Um, Craig invited me. Hope that's okay.

I brought my mate, Basheer.

My name's Basheer, AKA DJ Foreplay.

Or if you're in the
mobile phone business,

people call me the 4G OG.

Trademark pending, so
don't use that, yeah?

I'm Duffy. This is my girlfriend, Maya.

It's nice to meet you.

That's... that's your girlfriend?

Yes.

The lady sitting next to
you is your girlfriend?

- Yes.
- Congratulations, big man.

Gives me hope. I'm gonna
get it started, yeah?

It's good to see you.

Yeah, you too.

- Maya?
- Yeah?

Forgot your drinks.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I just... I just
decided I wasn't thirsty.

- You can take them if you want.
- Thanks. I'm good.

Oh, no, sorry, isn't alcohol,
uh, haram, right?

- Is that it?
- Uh, yeah, it is.

But, no, I drink. Just not tonight.

We've got a long drive back to Hounslow.

Oh, uh, you're still
living with your dad?

Uh, yeah.

Still at home.

But not in, like, a sad man-child way.

My dad's not been well.

Which is still sad, but
in a more traditional way.

Oh, God, Kash, I'm so sorry.

- Is everything okay?
- Uh, yeah.

He just can't be a 68-year-old diabetic

with a cake-based diet.

I don't know, you kind of
just described half of America,

and we're number one.

Maya, yo quiero mi margarita.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, it's here.

- Hey, dude.
- Hey, Kash.

- Here.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, God, that is, like, all tequila.

Oh.

Someone's trying to get me drunk.

Ooh. Oh.

- What did I miss?
- We missed you.

So tell me about your last relationship.

Craig was so secretive.

It was like dating a stranger.

So, after we broke up, I
figured I might as well date

an actual stranger.

- That's what brought me here.
- Yeah.

I'm here to promote my
line of protein powder,

but I just never expected to add mass...

to my heart.

Aw.

What?

So, Zara, I know
Fantasy Suites are coming up,

and I just want you to know

that my fantasy is to be with you.

Did you write that wordplay?

No, someone said it last season.

What are "Fantasy Suites"?

Listen, you're not gonna
want to watch that, brother.

The couples share a luxury hotel room...

bubble baths, silken robes,

a little bit of sex as well probably.

Hey!

Sorry I'm late, but mama just
sold £300,000 worth of furniture

Oh.

Hey, Ains.

Craig, what is he doing here?

- This was a mistake. I should go.
- No, no, sit down. It's fine.

"It's fine"?

Kash is my friend.

What he did to you was awful,

but I-I can't just
cut him out of my life.

Everyone uses Facebook,

and they do all kinds
of horrible shit to us.

Wow.

He didn't tell us that he
was gonna be here, either.

Kash you have known
for a couple of years.

I have been one of your
best friends since college.

I... Do...

I mean, this is... this is, like, a...

- This is a total betrayal.
- Cut me some slack, please.

My girlfriend is about to screw
a guy on national television.

On a bed of rose petals, if
history is any indication.

Oh, okay, so I'm the asshole here.

- Yeah.
- No.

- I get it, yeah.
- Ainsley...

I get it. No.

- Maya, please, come on.
- Ainsley.

Let's go.

Bye, guys.

Sorry, Craig.

Hey, Craig.

Do you mind if we stay?

Because I'd really like to watch
the conclusion of this episode.

Thanks, mate.

- All right.
- That's a big one.

Open wide.

Mmm, mmm.

Oh, my God, Love Chalet.

What did Craig think? I
hope he isn't devastated.

I don't want to talk about Craig.

Are you Ainsley Howard?

Yeah, dude. Who are you?

I'm Harper Dylan's ex-husband,

and I ain't paying for any
of that shit she just bought.

Excuse me?

She wrote you a check for £300,000.

You cash it,

and you're an accomplice
in a financial crime.

Wait, what?

My lawyer will be available
to answer any questions.

Hey, I'm not afraid of you.

I will cash whatever
damn check I please.

Men like you think they
can screw over women

and just get away with it.

"Men like me." Hmm, what do you mean?

Harper told me all about you.

You're the psychopath who
burned all of her shoes.

Yeah, because she slept with my brother.

Don't suppose she told you that part?

No, she said that, I think.

And afterwards, I was, yeah, really mad.

Everybody said, "Don't overreact.
Work on your marriage."

And then I tripped

on one of those little
red-bottomed pieces of shit,

and I realized I was mad.

I was allowed to be
mad, and the only thing

that was gonna help me feel better

was to burn those shoes
into a plastic-y sludge.

But it didn't make you feel any better.

Like hell. Made me feel great.

That is, right up until yesterday,

when I got a high-activity
alert from my bank.

Well, I'm sorry.

That is... awful.

But this is business.

That woman took a lot from me.

Please, don't cash that check.

_

Come on, now, gents.

Mummy, there's a sleepover
at school Saturday,

and Sebastian's doing
it, so I want to do it.

Sorry, wait. Who's Sebastian?

He's my mate.

Well, he was my enemy at first,

but then a handball hit him in the head,

and I walked him to the
nurse, and now he's my mate.

- So, can I go?
- A sleepover?

- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know.

Gemma, hi.

Giles telling you about this weekend?

Yes, I'm just hearing about it now.

Spoiler alert... it's a no.

Uh-oh. Are you sure? The boys love it.

They sleep on the field.
We have a giant telescope.

And Peath is Anglican, not Catholic,

you know, if you're worried about...

you know.

Well, I wasn't, but thank you.

Well, all right.

But you're sure you'll
be okay without me?

- She said yes!
- Yeah!

So how are you?

Oh, quite well.

As long as Giles is good, I'm good.

And Lord knows I could
use a weekend to myself.

Hello, and welcome to Love Chalet.

Last week, Zara poured
her heart out to Garrett

about her secretive,
untrustworthy ex-boyfriend, Craig.

You forgot "backstabbing asshole".

Is, uh, anyone watching with Craig?

I don't know. We haven't
spoken in a couple days.

He's probably watching
with his best friend, Kash.

But will Zara pick Garrett

to join her in the Fantasy Suite?

Or will it be this
week's newcomer, Liam?

I really don't envy you on this one,

because, Zara, it's gonna
get a whole lot tougher.

What?

Zara!

Craig, what are you doing here?

Oh, no.

Oh, my God, it's Craig in a Speedo!

Oh, sh...

Following a heartfelt appeal,

the producers have
allowed Zara's ex, Craig,

one last chance to plead his case.

Oh, no. Come on, Craig.

Zara, you said that I was
too private and secretive,

and you were right.

So here I am, in front
of the entire world,

I'm gonna tell you all my secrets.

- No.
- Oh, no.

- No, no, no.
- Oh, no.

- Craig, that's not necessary.
- No, it is the only way.

I'm not 5'10".

I'm 5'8".

- Oh.
- He looks it.

I get silicone butt injections.

What?

I sell Magic: The Gathering cards

online under the pseudonym

"CraigtheFlyWizard...

69."

Idiot.

- Wow.
- That's so dorky!

But my biggest secret...

is that I knew from the first moment

that I saw you...

I was in love.

Will you marry me?

Oh!

No.

My answer's no.

I can't marry you, Craig.

No.

_

Craig?

Open up, pal. I'm worried about you.

Go away, Duffy. I'm fine.

Okay, yeah.

Well, I intercepted your pizza guy

on the way up here, so
if you don't let me in,

I guess I'm just gonna eat your whole...

gluten-free pizza with no cheese.

Jesus Christ.

Fine.

You look great.

I don't know what I'm
gonna do without her.

Look, dude, I'm not gonna let
you sit here and wallow, okay?

Tonight we are going
out and getting crazy.

"Out" like when you take me

to TGI Fridays for the 2-for-20 deals

or "out" like the club?

Out like the club.

_

_

_

_

_

Hey, uh, you need a hand?

Nani's getting hangry.

- I have a surprise for you.
- Oh!

Um...

You said you'd never had a cannoli.

Yeah, I've only ever seen it in
the, um... in The Godfather.

- Go on, then.
- Oh, Kash, um, thank you.

Um, okay.

- Mmm.
- Mmm?

You know what? It's not that good.

What? Really?

But I love that you brought it for me.

Oh.

- Sorry.
- Oh, um...

Well...

You, um... you've got a bit of...

Oh, no.

Um, did I get it?

Yeah, no. C-come here.

_

Hey, my friends are
going to a club tonight.

Would you want to go?

Oh, just, um, you and me
without our chaperones?

Yeah, like a real date.

Yeah.

Um, uh, listen, this is...

this is obviously a really
frustration situation.

I'm not proud of the
dreams I've been having.

But... but we both agreed
to doing it this way.

Yeah, no, no, I just...
I wasn't thinking.

Oh, but, um... but
you and Bash should go.

No, no, no, it's fine.
I'll go another time.

Honestly, it's fine. Have fun.

Just don't do anything too Western.

Okay? It upsets me.

Right, let's see if your
nani likes my cannolis.

She won't.

Well...

this is nice.

Oh, thank God.

_

♪ Mirror, mirror, on the wall ♪

♪ Don't say it, 'cause I know I'm cute ♪

- Oh, there's Craig.
- Oh, great.

Oh, shit.

There's Kash.

Ainsley's gonna flip the F out.

Maybe we should just go.

Well, tonight's about Craig,
and we're already here.

Yeah, you're right. It's about Craig.

Yeah.

♪ I was born like this ♪

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Maya.

- Hey, Duffy.
- Kash.

Listen, you look bomb tonight,
you know what I'm saying?

You're gonna clean up, you know?

- Oh.
- I still date her.

Oh, yeah, right. Of course you do, yeah.

- I do.
- Uh, I'm gonna get a drink.

- Does anybody need anything?
- No need.

Bottle service, baby. VIP, my friends.

None for me, of course.

I'm on this sparkling apple juice.

Ba-ba-ba-bam-bam-bam. For y'all.

Yeah, do I... are we gonna
split this five ways, though?

'Cause I'm probably only
gonna get one drink, so...

Don't sweat it, mate. We're
putting this on the corporate card.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Yeah, thank you.

Let me know if I should pitch in.

I'll go find an ATM if it's
affiliated with my bank.

- There's no need.
- Should we dance?

- Yeah.
- We should dance.

♪ Look, baby, I'm the whole damn meal ♪

- ♪ Ooh, baby ♪
- So, no Ainsley?

No.

♪ The juice ain't worth the squeeze ♪

- Hey!
- Oh, hey, Gemma!

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm not just
Ainsley's friend, you know.

I'm an essential part
of this friendship group.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

He isn't, though. What's he doing here?

Craig invited him. It's really annoying.

I swear, if he wasn't
paying for all of the drinks,

I would tell him to get lost.

We were just gonna
dance. Do you want to...

Oh, no, I'm fine.

- I'll just take a seat.
- No, no, no, no, no.

No, Gemma. Come on.

♪ I'm out here getting loose ♪

♪ Gotta blame it on the Goose ♪

♪ Gotta blame it on my juice ♪

- ♪ Ya-ya-ee ♪
- ♪ Ya-ya-ee ♪

♪ Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee ♪

♪ Blame it on my
juice, blame it, blame it ♪

That's not a cocktail.
This is a cocktail.

So then Fatima's nani
realized she's on a bus

to Karachi, not Lahore,

and that's how she met her husband.

Nice, isn't it? You're
a lucky guy, you know.

- Fatima's nani's a nut, brother.
- Sorry, who's Fatima?

Uh, she's a friend of
ours from the mosque.

♪ Our love ♪

♪ It's something ♪

♪ Baby, it is more than love ♪

♪ Our love ♪

♪ It's something ♪

♪ Baby, it is more than love ♪

♪ Our love ♪

♪ It's something ♪

♪ And I just can't get enough ♪

♪ I need your love ♪

♪ I need your love ♪

♪ I need your love ♪

What you did on Love Chalet

was one of the most romantic
things I have ever seen.

I just looked at my boyfriend,
and I was like, "You're shit."

Man, well, it's better
to sort all that out

on national telly.

I never would have
turned down your proposal.

Well, if she hadn't, I
wouldn't be here, would I?

Hi, there. The name's
Basheer, aka DJ Foreplay.

Are you ladies happy with
your cell phone plans?

Um, yeah, I think we're all right.

♪ You can be cool ♪

♪ Cool like me ♪

♪ Mm-hmm, yeah ♪

♪ You can be cool ♪

Hello, hello.

We couldn't help noticing youse
girls dancing all on your own.

We're not. My boyfriend's
getting us drinks.

Oh, your boyfriend, eh?

Well, then we'll keep you
warm till he gets back.

- We're leaving now.
- We're good, thank you.

Hey, just once dance, then.

- Hey! Hey!
- I'm a nice guy, I promise.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, the boyfriend returns.

Oh, good choice. He's so cute.

- Hey, hey!
- Don't touch him!

Hey, that's assault in
any court in the land, pal!

Yeah? And what's the
waitress gonna do about it?

Well, first, I'll put down these drinks.

Oy, dickhead, they're not interested.

Take the hint and get out of here.

And take your tiny little
knob with you as well.

Oh. Uh-oh, uh-oh.

We seem to have upset the terrorists.

Move, move, move! Hey, hey, hey!

Are you all right?

Yeah, the bouncer really
did a number on my shoulder.

when he pushed me for no reason!

- What's that, then?
- Well, what did you say?

Here.

Put this there.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Well, help him in, man!
- Oh.

- Craig.
- Okay, yeah.

Come on, take your time. Take your time.

Watch your step. Watch your step.

- Are you okay, Kashif?
- Yeah, I'm good.

- Are you okay, Kashif?
- I'm good, let's go.

Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, wait, wait! I'm still here!

Do you want to share a cab?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, I could really use
some company tonight.

Well, um...

Um...

why don't you take
this one and I'll, uh...

- I'm gonna take the next one.
- But why?

Uh...

I got something I got to... do.

Well, it all got a big
dodgy there toward the end,

but all in all, I needed that.

Thank you, Duffy.

What?

Thank you...

for inviting me out.

I was alone at home missing Quentin

and feeling, well, alone...

And this helped.

No problem.

I'm glad you came.

You do know you can do
better than Maya, don't you?

You know, if you hadn't
gotten to that guy first,

I would have kicked his racist ass.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Where'd you learn to fight... prison?

Worse. High school.

I worked in an Oakland McDonald's.

Hey, two packets of
ketchup per customer.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

I still think about when we first met.

Yo, I done finally found parking.

Bloody hell.

These hospital car parks
are a bloody rip-off, eh?

It's not right, bro.

My brother has just been through

a racially motivated dust-up.

Should be some kind of
discounted rate for that trauma.

Right, yeah.

In fact, who is in charge
of the parking around here?

Big man, is it you?

Taking the piss, isn't it?

_

Don't you love these? So full of whimsy.

And you can spell anything.

I know, isn't the alphabet amazing?

Mm.

Oh, what?

I didn't cash your check, homey.

You want me to go find it in the trash?

I can, because I can no longer pay

my cleaning service to empty it.

No, I came to say thank you.

Oh.

And if you're... if you're available,

I'd like to hire you.

I don't have a town house,

just a two-bedroom bachelor pad.

And I'm hard to work with.

Yes, yes, we'll do
it. No questions asked.

We desperately need the money.

Fine.

We can come over tonight
to give you an estimate.

- It will be very high.
- Done.

But it can't be tonight.

I'm watching the Love Chalet finale.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sure.

Hello, and welcome
to the Love Chalet finale.

Zara...

meeting you has been the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

And when that motorcycle crash

ended my exotic-dancing
career I just thought, like...

"What is the point?" You know?

But now I know.

The point is you.

Zara...

will you do me the
honor of being my wife?

Damn it, Duffy.

Duffy?

Hi, Craig.

Go to bed.