Four Weddings and a Funeral (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Winner Takes It All - full transcript

Previously, on
Four Weddings and a Funeral...

Maybe I only like it
'cause my mom and I saw it

on Broadway a couple of months
before she died.

Wasn't so simple
for Sophie and Sky's wedding.

- You watched Mamma Mia!
- Yeah, I did.

And for a movie
that makes no sense,

I've got to say, I enjoyed it.

- I have a job interview.
- Have you ever heard of Andrew Aldridge?

Each of you is more than
qualified to do this job,

so I've decided to hire
you both on half salary.

- I'm gonna tell Maya tonight.
- You sure?



I feel like it's now or never.

- I'm sorry, darling.
- We're gonna have to go shopping.

- But you hate shopping.
- No, I love it.

- What a fun girls' day we have in store.
- Oh, Quentin.

You said that there were
20 pages of my book

that you really liked,
and I was hoping that

maybe you would help me
turn them into a short story.

Be happy to.

Dearest Craig, as I write this,

my eyes are blinded by tears.

- Kash, yo! My brother!
- Come here, man.

- Basheer, how's it going, man?
- Yeah.

I have to tell you something.

Zara and I broke up.



She's not coming back this time.

- You were right.
- I owed her an explanation.

Yeah, to Ainsley, not me.

- Dad?
- Dad!

- Dad's gonna be okay.
- You don't know that.

You're alive!

You won't have to work
double shifts anymore.

I'm gonna take care of you...
Both of you.

Quentin.

Quentin? Sweetheart?

Quentin?

Harvey.

Harvey, come on.

- Go on, go on.
- Come on.

I still can't believe it.

He just seemed invincible,
you know?

I once saw him fall from
a second-story balcony

and walk away
like nothing happened.

And he was such a sweet guy.

He wanted to do a pub crawl
tomorrow before work,

and now he's just gone.

Yeah, well, that's the scary
thing about an aneurysm.

It could happen to anyone
at any moment.

I always felt like I was
gonna be a famous novelist,

but if I die tomorrow, like,
what would my obituary say?

"Latin teacher dies
of autoerotic asphyxiation."

God, Ainsley, I... that's not
what you thought it was.

I was practicing to tie a tie.

Look, if I died tomorrow,
no one would mourn me...

Except for my trainer, Raoul.

Still no word from Zara?

No.

I tried to call
and tell her about Quentin,

but it's like she disappeared.

Well, you did spring
a secret child on her.

You know, maybe she just
needs a little space.

I can't believe
you hid a human from us.

I mean,
I tell you all my secrets,

like the fact that
I don't know how to snap.

See?

I would like to do that.

So, do you guys have all the
info for the service on Sunday?

It's a funeral, so dress nice.

- Why are you looking at me?
- I told you.

Your options are more limited
when you're tall.

I don't think I'm gonna go.

Why?

Well,
I didn't really know Quentin,

and I think it would be weird
if I went.

I'm gonna get another drink.
Does anyone want anything?

- Uh...
- No.

Marcus?

Did you, uh, sleep at your desk?

That's absurd.

I slept under my desk
on a dog bed.

- What?
- Why?

Uh, because my salary
was recently cut in half

to accommodate
a foreign job thief.

I've had to take on
two new roommates to make rent,

and they're in
a steel drum band.

- Look, I'm sorry.
- I didn't mean to screw you over,

but this is the only
government job I could get.

I even applied to be
Meghan Markle's decoy.

Well, while I was bathing myself

in the janitor's sink
last night, I had an epiphany.

I'm worth more than this.

We both deserve full salaries.

- Yeah, I agree.
- Well, good.

Let's both talk to Andrew
as soon as he gets in...

You know, united front,
state our case together.

Yeah, good.

So, he's coming in
in three hours.

Let's just sit in silence
till then.

That's not silence.

Oh, there you are, Gemma.

We let you sleep in.

It's 6:00 a. m.

We're just going through
the arrangements for Sunday.

Do your parents need
picking up from the airport?

Oh, I don't want to burden you
with any arrangements.

I'm meeting with
the funeral director today.

- Oh, no, no, dear.
- It's already taken care of.

We'll do the service
at our local parish

and the reception at Ashby.

Oh, on the estate?

Oh, I thought we'd do it here.

In Notting Hill?

This is a funeral, my dear,
not a street carnival.

Besides, our family do have
very specific traditions.

We'll commence
with Sidney reading

the epic nautical poem,
The Barnacle's Lament

by Bertram Thorpe-Bloode
in 1805.

That sounds boring.

Do I have to go?

Yes, darling, of course you do.

You know, I'd be happy to speak

if you think it's appropriate.

Excellent. We need someone
to introduce the bagpiper.

Good idea.

Rise and shine,
my lazy, beautiful sons.

- Dad, it's so early.
- Let us rest.

- Yeah, I hardly slept.
- Kash kept snoring.

I'm not your girlfriend!
I don't have to put up with it!

- All right, that's it.
- Keep kicking me.

- Stop it.
- Stop it.

You should be grateful
that you can wake up.

Or did you forget
I almost died last week?

- No, Abu, we're very grateful.
- Good.

Well, you can tell that
to Allah at masjid, huh?

- Tabby, hey.
- I did it.

I was so scared, but I did it.

You got that mole removed?

- What?
- Wait, no.

I... I just sent my short story
to The New Yorker.

A friend of mine,
she works there,

and she said
she would read it today.

- Duffy, that's huge.
- Yeah.

I figure, what am I waiting for?

Why deprive the world
of another New Yorker story

to feel guilty about
not reading?

I'm so proud of you.

Well, you're the one
who made it happen.

Without your edits,
I would still be slaving away

at the creative gristmill
as I mine the key...

- That's enough, Duffy.
- Right.

That's why
I need a great editor.

And you're sure you're okay
with Quentin's parents

planning the entire funeral?

Yes, of course.

It's how Thorpe-Bloode funerals
have been done for centuries.

Well, don't you think
the whole thing feels

a little impersonal?

I mean, it's not very Quentin.

Tradition is important
in this country.

Do you think wearing
a 2-foot-tall fur hat

is the most efficient way
to guard the Queen?

No, but it's tradition.

I'm sorry.

I just want to make sure
that you're fine with it.

You only get to do this once.

Come in.

Andrew, Marcus and I would
like to talk to you for a moment.

We feel that paying us
half salary is not fair.

In fact,
we think it's unethical.

We urge you
to do the right thing.

- "We feel"?
- "We think"?

"We urge"?

There was so much "we, we"
in that sentence,

I thought I was in
a French bordello.

Marcus, do you agree
with this nonsense?

Oh, absolutely not, no.

Um, I was just coming in
to remind you

you're meeting constituents
on Sunday.

Oh. Oh,
I'm happy to work on Sunday.

Maya doesn't have to if she
thinks it's, uh, unethical.

Mm, Maya, if you find
the realities of this job

too overwhelming,
feel free to resign.

- No, no. I can work weekends.
- I love working weekends.

I was simply asking
for fair pay.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't realize you got into
public service for the money.

Um, I've got some forms
for you to sign.

Before we go, should we say
hello to Imam Iqbal?

Anything you want, Abu.

And I hope we can count on seeing
you at masjid more regularly now.

Uh, I kind of prefer to observe
my religion more privately.

It's very personal to me.

Like when you posted
that Instagram

from a pie-eating contest

during Ramadan.

Imams are on Instagram now?

Damn, I've got some
deleting to do.

Uh, shall we get on with
the real business at hand?

Oh, yes, let me grab my binders.

I'm sorry, what exactly is
"the business at hand"?

Setting you up with
a nice Muslim girl, of course.

Your father told me that you're
interested in an arranged marriage.

- I'm sorry, Imam.
- I don't want an arranged marriage.

It's a little old-fashioned
for me.

Dating through the mosque
is a lot like meeting someone

on a dating site,
except I am the algorithm.

And I would like to see you
married before I die, Kashif.

Can you not try
for your dying father?

Before he dies?

- I will get married eventually.
- This just isn't my style.

What about romance?
What about fireworks?

Ah, yes.

Fireworks can be beautiful.

But, also,
they can blow your fingers off.

You tried doing it your way
and look how that turned out.

Savage.

You young people get
distracted by the superficial.

We are building
a lifelong partnership,

not a summer fling
like Sandy and Danny Zuko.

Look, do you really think

I'm gonna find
long-lasting love with Fatima,

a 27-year-old corporate
accountant who went to Oxford

and loves listening to Drake
and is...

Wow, quite beautiful.

Why don't you just
take this with you

and think about it?

Dude.

Oh, Rosie, hello.

I... I'm sorry to bother you...

Oy, look who decided
to show his sorry face.

It's Craig.

Oh, the same Craig
what mugged off our Zara?

You got some nerve
showing up here,

unless you want an acrylic
lodged in your eye.

Look, I deserve all of that,

but have any of you seen Zara?

I'm really worried.
She's just totally disappeared.

Oh, yeah, I'll give away
the precise locality

of our Zara to the man
what was lying to her face.

- Are you having a laugh?
- So you do know where she is?

Maybe we do, maybe we don't.

Point is, female friendship
is the strongest force on Earth.

We stick together
like the Spice Girls.

- They famously broke up.
- They reunited, didn't they?

At the end of the day,
Craig, Zara is safe.

So stop worrying.

But at the end
of the day, Craig,

even if we wanted to tell you
where she is...

- We can't...
- From a legality perspective.

What's that supposed to mean?

You went to university,
didn't you?

Figure it out yourself, twat.

Ladies...

- Buh-bye.
- Ladies!

Gemma,
we have a matter to discuss.

Did Harvey try
to make love to your leg?

Please forgive him.
He's grieving too.

No, it's about Giles.

We're worried about the boy.

He's withdrawn. He's not eating.

He's been wearing the same
filthy football shirt for days.

Oh, that's my fault. I forgot to
lay out a clean one this morning.

I'm not used to having him home.

- Exactly.
- What the boy needs is structure.

That's why he should
return to Cragscross

right after the funeral.

But isn't that a bit soon?

The best remedy for grief
is routine and hard work.

Now,
once the boy's back at school,

he'll be so busy studying
and playing with his friends

he'll soon forget
all about his sadness.

I know you've been through
a lot, dear.

We're only thinking about Giles.

Is keeping him here
best for him,

or for you?

Harvey.

And then her friend was like,
"All will be revealed in time."

What does that mean?

They're like a coven
of spray-tanned witches.

Well, maybe Zara
will show up at the funeral.

- Maybe.
- Are you going?

I don't know.

Hasn't been that long
since the wedding.

I wouldn't wanna do anything
to upset Ainsley...

I mean,
more than I already have.

Eh, it's a funeral,

and I bet Quentin would have
appreciated you being there.

Hey, do you have
those projections for George?

Yes, uh, hang on.

- Thank you.
- Here you go.

- My man.
- All right.

Oh, what do we have here?

Are you hiring a new assistant?

- She is too hot!
- No.

It's a profile of a girl
from my mosque.

My dad's trying to talk me
into an arranged marriage.

- Isn't that crazy?
- I don't know.

I wasn't expecting much
when my barber set me up

with his niece,

but that's how I met Zara.

Hm.

- Uh, sorry...
- I'm looking for Fatima.

Fatima!

Hello, hi.

Sorry about my nani.

Uh, she rushes to the phone
whenever it rings

so she can get the gossip first.

Hi, um, I'm Kash.
It's nice to meet you.

I got your number from the Imam.

I figured.

Why else would a young person
be calling on a landline?

Fair enough.

Um, so have you been on a lot
of dates through the mosque?

A few.

It's better
than the alternative.

My last Tinder date turned up
to the restaurant barefoot.

Wow, okay.

Um, well,

I was wondering if you'd
consider going on a date with me?

Sometime next week?

I promise
I'll at least wear socks.

Oh, I don't know about that.

- Oh.
- Right, okay.

Next week is a long way off.

How about tonight?
I'm free at 8:00.

Tonight?

Yes, it's a date.

I'll see you there.

Wait.

- At the mall.
- The Treaty Centre?

- Yep.
- Right, yes.

Thank you. See you then.

Peter, I want that homework
by Thursday.

Okay, Miss.

Tabby. Tabby, hey!

How's your day?

- Fine.
- How's your day?

- Oh, it's okay.
- Yeah.

Uh, made a bomb panini,
gave a pop quiz,

got an email from
The New Yorker.

Um, they're gonna
publish my story.

Duffy, oh, my God!

Uh, well, it's in the
summer digital fiction issue,

but I like it that way...
It saves trees.

Can't believe it.

Well, it's all because of you.

I love how you read my story,

and I love how you were
honest with me,

and I love...

I love you, too.

I've got to go...

French grammar in five.

So proud of you.

What do you think of this
for the funeral?

Is it too ostentatious?

No, it's perfect.

Yes, I think it would work.

I mean, I'll need to find a good coat
to wear with it. It's very cold out...

- How are you doing?
- Yes, fine.

Quentin's parents have
taken care of everything.

We're all set for Sunday.

- No, no.
- How are you doing?

I should get going.

I need to pack Giles
for Scotland.

He's going back to Cragscross
on Monday.

And you know Giles...
The second my back is turned,

his trunk will be brimming
with chocolate Hobnobs.

Giles is going back
to school already?

- Isn't that too soon?
- I beg your pardon?

I'm sorry,
but I was around Giles's age

when my mother died,

and for the longest time
after the funeral,

all I wanted to do
was be with my dad.

I'm sure you did,

but what a child wants isn't
always what's best for him.

Cragscross will be
a much-needed distraction.

Maybe adults need distractions,

but kids, they need attention,

and they need to feel
loved and safe.

Thank you for your input, Maya,
but I know how to raise my son.

Oh, have you already had supper?

Uh, boiled beef.

There's a plate for you
in the fridge.

Has Giles eaten?

He's been in his room
all afternoon...

Said he wasn't hungry.

Oh.

Giles?

Giles, have you started packing?

There's no more Spider-Men
until you're done.

Giles, did you hear me?

Giles?

Oh, my God. Giles!

And do you have any idea
where he might have gone?

- Well, of course I bloody don't.
- That's why I called you.

Well, where does your son
like to hang out?

- I don't know.
- He's at boarding school most of the year.

What about calling
one of his friends?

I don't know any of his friends.

Oh, God. I'm a terrible mother.

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

Oh, thank God.

Sorry, he's where?

- Fatima!
- Kash.

- So nice to meet you.
- We can shake hands.

Great.

I haven't been on a date in a
shopping center since I was 15.

Oh, yeah, well, I find it's
the best place to size up a guy.

You know, better to see him under
the fluorescents right away, so...

Oh, right.

- I recognize that voice from the phone.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, this is my nani.
- She's, uh, my chaperone.

Is yours running late?

- Yes.
- Yes?

Yes, uh, he should be here soon.

Let me just check in with him.

One aloo tikki and
two punjabi samosas, please.

Thanks for your help.

Oh.

Yo.

Shit, lady, I got to go.

- Maya!
- Hey.

- Whoo.
- Hey, have you heard my good news?

Oh, thank God
you got that mole removed.

- Everyone was worried.
- What?

No, my mole's fine.
Why does everybody keep saying that?

They're gonna publish my story
in The New Yorker.

Duffy, that's incredible.

- Oh, I am so happy for you.
- Thank you.

I promise I will read it

once I finish with
this endless pile of work.

- No worries.
- What are you working on?

I'm prepping for Sunday.

We're meeting with 240
of Andrew's constituents.

Interestingly enough,
240 is also their median age.

Sunday's Quentin's funeral.
Are you not gonna go?

- I can't.
- I have to work.

- And you can't get out of it?
- No.

I... I just got this job.

I'm not asking for time off.

Yeah.

You know, because if it was
about your mom or something

and you wanted
to talk about it...

It's not about my mom,
and I don't want to talk about it.

- Right.
- Okay.

These are for you.

Uh, your... your friend seems to really
be hitting it off with my grandmother.

Yeah, Basheer's a sucker
for a good goat story.

So I... I read your profile.

You're a... a banker.

Hey, um,
before we get into this,

I feel like I should
put my cards on the table.

- Oh, um, okay.
- I am a banker, but I hate it,

and I've always wanted
to be an actor.

Also, you should know that I,
um, recently broke up

with my fiancée
and left her at the altar.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm... I'm shocked.

Sorry if that's a deal-breaker.

No, no, no, no.

I'm shocked that you think
anyone in Hounslow

didn't hear about
your wedding imploding.

Every auntie is using it
as an example of the...

Dangers of dating
outside the faith.

Oh.

- So you're fine with all that?
- Yes.

I'm sorry it didn't work out with
your fiancé and you hate your job.

Welcome to being an adult.

You think I have trouble
sleeping at night

because I'm so excited to do
accounting in the morning?

But I do it because it pays
for my Froyo addiction.

I guess you could call that
accounting for taste.

- Eww, no.
- Wordplay?

- No, don't do that again.
- Too much?

Fatima.

No, this is my natural height.
I'm 5... tell her I'm 5'11".

- Don't look at me like that.
- Get them off.

- I'm not wearing lifts.
- Off.

Hi, can I help you
with anything?

Yes, I'm looking for my son.

Well, lucky for you,
we have one of those in stock.

- Size small, is it?
- Oh.

Oh, Giles. Oh, I was so scared.

Never run away like that again.

I'm sorry, Mum.

I didn't want to make you cry,

but I had to get
a new Chelsea shirt.

- And you had to do that tonight?
- I was worried sick.

I'd be worried too
if my son supported Chelsea.

- Look, can you leave us alone?
- I've had quite enough of your "up" energy.

Grandad threw out
my Chelsea shirt.

I wanted to wear one
to the funeral.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling, but that's
just not appropriate for a funeral.

And Granny already bought you
that nice suit.

But Chelsea
was Dad's favorite team.

Everything at the funeral
sounds so boring.

Dad hated boring things.

I thought if I wore this,

there'd at least be one thing
he liked at his funeral.

- Ah, Kashif.
- How was your date?

- It was actually really great.
- I'm sorry I doubted you.

Fatima's one of the coolest
girls I've met in a long time.

- I just wanted to thank you.
- Well, that's wonderful.

I... I'll call her parents
immediately.

Hang on, "call her parents"?

Well,
the first meeting went well,

so now I set up a meeting for
your father to talk to her parents

to see if the families
like each other.

Why are we doing that now?

I only went
on one walk with her...

Don't even know
if we like the same TV.

Better to find out now than
to have your families fighting

in the buffet line
at the wedding.

- "Wedding"?
- Already?

No, I already had a wedding.
It went really badly.

I wouldn't know.

I wasn't invited.

You know what,
now that I think about it,

I'm not really interested
in a second date.

Thanks anyway.

To whom do I have
the pleasure of speaking?

Maya, to whom?

Sorry, uh, this is Ms. Walpole.

- Ms. Conners.
- Oh, uh, yes, Ms. Conners.

She has a problem
with her landlord.

- Are we sure?
- Yes, absolutely.

So, Ms. Conners,

I'm not sure we can
prosecute your landlord

for being a peeping Tom

if you answer the door
in the nude.

Why not?

I can take it from here.

Yeah.

Someone's off their game today.

Are you gonna tell Andrew?

- Try and get me fired again?
- Of course not, no.

Oh, but, uh, on the off chance
he does fire you,

I have highlighted
some opportunities

in the classifieds I thought
you might be interested in.

Uh, apparently, Big Mama's
Shrimp Dump is hiring.

I thought you'd be
a perfect fit.

What is your problem?

You.

I want my whole salary back,
okay?

I've been eating bruised steaks
from the damaged food aisle.

I... I washed my clothes
in a stream, okay?

I... I'm on first-name terms with
the people at the sperm bank.

Duffy?

What are you doing here?

Look, I was on my way
to the funeral

and something was bugging me,
and I just had to ask.

What?

Have you not been
to a funeral since your mom's?

I mean, is that why
you're not coming today?

- No, I told you.
- I am working.

Okay.

But, you know, you bailed on
your grandma's funeral too,

and even I was there.

I was the only white guy
in the church,

and all my clapping was
on the one and the three.

I'm sorry.
Maybe I'm totally off base.

You're not.

Yeah.

My mom's funeral was
the worst day of my life.

And I wish I could go today,
but...

I can't.

It would just make me too sad.

But...

maybe it's okay
to feel sad about your mom.

And if you wanna go today
and think about her,

I'll be there,
and I'll think about her too.

Okay, I'll go.

Okay.

Thank you, Duffy.

Yeah.

I just need to run home
and change.

- Great.
- I'll see you there?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Marcus...
- I heard.

Go. I'll cover for you.

- Really?
- You're not gonna sell me out?

I don't know, mate.

Your funeral may just be

your funeral.

I guess you'll just
have to trust me.

- Is this good?
- Yeah.

Just save some room for Maya.

Are you sure
she's really coming?

Yeah, we can't be saving seats.

This is prime pew real estate...
Right behind the kids,

clear sidelines.

Yeah, she'll be here.

- Oh, sorry, guys.
- I... I got to make a call.

Hey, is everything okay?

Uh, better than okay.

A CCTV camera
fell on my leg yesterday,

so I'm getting
a pretty good check

from the government
coming my way.

Okay, well, I'm at a funeral
right now, so what's up?

- Can you tell me where Zara is?
- No, Craig.

I'm wanting to tell you,
but I can't...

Legalities and all that.

But if you do want
to see Zara again,

make sure you're home

tonight at 8:00.

- 8:00? Why?
- What's happening then?

All will be revealed, Craig.

All will be revealed.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

This was the only seat.

Yeah, that's fine.

Please stand.

"Swept with confused alarms
of struggle and flight

"where ignorant armies
clash by night.

"The ship did rock
and lightning cracked

"and all the men afeared.

"But Captain Thorpe
stood rigidly

"with ice flakes in his beard.

"The ship's great hull
and captain's hopes

"were dashed upon the rocks.

"Thorpe ne'er shall see
his home again.

"He moors...

at heaven's docks."

Mum, it's your turn. Good luck.

I'd like to thank
the Thorpe-Bloods for sharing

so many of their
family traditions.

And while I'm supposed
to introduce the bagpiper,

I thought I would, instead,

talk a little bit about
Quentin and me

and our little family.

But first, a costume change.

If you all look under your pews,

you'll find shirts
of your own to put on.

Let me tell you about
something Quentin loved.

Chelsea Football Club.

Nothing made him happier...
Or angrier.

I would leave notes
for the neighbors

on match days pre-apologizing
for the fireworks

he would shoot off our roof
when they won,

or for the volume of his
profanity when they lost.

I used to dread
the racket he'd make.

But the next time
Chelsea play...

I'm afraid I'm gonna miss
the sound of him yelling,

"Is the ref blind,
or is his head just up his own ass?"

Quentin also loved music.

So instead of playing
the family hymn...

Which Quentin hated,
by the way...

I've asked the quartet to play

a different song...

Quentin's favorite,
The Winner Takes It All.

I remember
on our very first date,

this song came on the radio
and he turned to me and said,

"I think ABBA were way better
than the bloody Beatles."

I don't know yet all the things

I will miss about my husband...

But I think the thing
I will miss the most

are the parts of me
that he brought out.

And that's what I wish
for all of you...

That you find someone who makes
you a better version of you

than you would ever be
on your own,

who you'd be
utterly lost without.

So before we leave,

I'd like to raise a glass
to Quentin,

and make a toast in a way
my husband would have loved.

Well, he loved any toast.
Let's be honest.

The man was
a medium-functioning drunk.

To Quentin Thorpe-Bloode,

a man as exciting

as a Chelsea match,

as enchanting as an ABBA song...

And as intoxicating
as a bottle of scotch.

We'll miss you,

you handsome old bastard.

Oh, and I believe
Giles had one last message

he'd like to deliver
on behalf of his father.

Arsenal sucks!

And, everyone?

Arsenal sucks!

Ah, well,
that was quite the spectacle,

but I'm sure my son
would have appreciated it.

He always loved the things
that made me angry.

Well, Giles looks
in good spirits, at least.

Is he all packed and ready
for boarding school?

Actually, Giles isn't going
back to Cragscross on Monday.

But he'll miss the
midterm Loch Ness Swim.

Well, that would be a shame.

When do you imagine
he will return?

Never, actually.

Giles is staying
in London with me.

Well, you are a grieving widow,

so I'll forgive
this lapse in judgment.

What Giles really needs...

What Giles needs
is to be with his mother.

Dear girl, are you quite sure
you can handle

raising a child on your own?

You never even learned
how to change a nappy.

Well, luckily,
Giles is potty-trained.

And you're right, though.
I don't know how to be a mum.

But I don't want to be at Giles'
18th birthday and realize

I'm watching a stranger
blow out the candles.

But I've just donated
a bloody language lab

to Cragscross...
Whatever that means.

I think you're making
a dreadful mistake.

Well, fortunately,
your son taught me

not to care
what other people think.

Giles is staying with me.

Between we girls,

Quentin hated Cragscross.

I always had to bribe him
with chocolate Hobnobs

to get him to go back.

And he'll roll over,

and then he's gonna do
two paws, and then...

Where's Maya gone?

Job finally broken her?

If only, sir.

No, um, unfortunately,

she had a funeral to attend.

And we believe her?

Sure she's not celebrating one
of America's million holidays?

Columbus Day, Thanksgiving...

Every time someone crosses
the ocean, you get a day off.

Quite absurd, sir.

But, I... I'm afraid
she does have a funeral.

Hmm, very well.

- Hello again.
- Hey.

Oh, fireworks.

Wow.

They're beautiful.

Yeah, but they can
blow your fingers off.

Wow.

Sorry for intruding, Imam.

I just wanted to see if you've
already contacted Fatima.

Believe it or not,
letting down young women

isn't at the top
of my priority list.

- I haven't.
- Brilliant.

I've changed my mind.
I do want to see her again.

I just don't want
to rush things.

- I am pleased.
- Take a seat.

Yes, I enjoyed
spending time with Fatima.

But do I want to marry her?
It was only one date.

And am I ready
for our parents to meet?

- I'm not sure...
- Okay, Prince Hamlet.

Just go out again.

We don't have to introduce
the families yet.

- Really?
- It's that simple?

Yes.

It's not my job
to trick young people

into lifelong commitments.

I'm not T-Mobile.

That's such a relief.

- Thank you, Imam.
- Relief?

You know what else
would be a relief?

To see you at prayers
tomorrow morning, Kashif.

Okay, I'll see you at 8:00.

- 5:00.
- I said morning prayers.

Ah, 5:00.

Brilliant.

Hi, I'm here!

Zara?

Zara!

Hi, boys!

That wallet looks nice.

Let me go slip off my fur.

Oy, she is gorgeous.

Now that is a proper fit girl.

I wouldn't mind
cracking onto her, mate.

My name's Zara and I'm 28.

I'm a Virgo by birth,
Gemini by choice,

and I'm looking for love.

My heart was recently
broken by my ex,

who was a lying dickhead
who kept secrets from me,

so now I'm hoping to find
a nice boy I can trust.

And if I learn to snowshoe
in the process,

all the better!

Oh, hello there.
My name's Zara, like the store.

My name's Chris, like Christmas,

but without the center bit.

I'm obsessed with Christmas!

- Careful, Giles.
- Careful, slow down.

In you get.

Are you okay not going back
to Cragscross?

You'll probably miss it.

I won't.

The geography books
are from 50 years ago.

I had to do a report
about the USSR.

I'd rather be here
with you, Mum.

Uh, I was wondering, Giles,

where do you like to hang out?

At the arcade around the corner.

The manager lets me
test out the new games.

And who's your best friend?

That would be Niall.

And what's Niall like?

He's so funny.

He's the manager of the arcade.

He just turned 39.

Okay, got it.

Gonna need to do
a background check on Niall.

Hey, Harvey.

Can Harvey sleep in my bed
tonight, please, Mum?

Yes, of course, dear.
Now, who are your other friends?

Uh, there's Martin the grocer
and Louie the shoeshine.

Oh, dear.

- Duffy?
- Oh, my God, come in.

English rain is dangerous.

Haven't you read
Pride and Prejudice?

I just broke up with Tabby.

- What?
- Why?

You know, I thought I could
just make myself love her

if I committed to it,
but it wasn't there.

And I know that this is
probably a horrible time

to be bringing this up,

and I'm not expecting
anything back at all.

I just, uh...

I'm in love with you, Maya.

I've loved you
since the first time

I saw you freshman year,
and today at the funeral,

I was thinking to myself,

"What if I died and
I never got a chance

to tell you how I feel?"

I would regret it
for the rest of my life.

And I know that
I would be dead and all that,

but I just...

I just didn't want
to go another day

without telling you how I felt.

So here I am.

Duffy, I...

You don't have
to say anything, and...

I... I just wanted
to get it off my chest.

Go to bed.