Flowers (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript

The patterns of chaos
do force me to conclude

two distinct worlds fight for my spirit.

One where I am mighty.
The other where I am weak.

And how clear now it is.

I must destroy my feeble self.

Only then can I be free.

A sorcerer.

A king to waltz with the dangers
of the enchanted realm.

The infinite, oh, infinite colour.

Then, and only then

will I live forever.



Amy!

Amy!

Amy!

Oh, not again.

- Monkey! Monkey!

-Look!
-You're soaking wet.

I've done it. I've worked it out.

-What have you worked out?
-The middle section. The curse.

-What?
-And, I made us breakfast.

I picked loads of berries.

Berry, ber-- Monkey! Monkey!

-What?
- Berry, berry, berry nice.

-Yeah. That's great.
-Berry healthy. Berry tasty.

-Berry b-berry
-Lovely.



-Monkey?
-What!

Maurice, why are you here?

- Why won't you answer the phone?
-Because every time we try to talk

-you just start getting angry.
-I start getting angry?

-Maurice, what do you want?

-I'm looking for Shun.
-He's eating a pastry.

Pastry. Mm, that's nice.
What kind of pastry is it?

Why does that matter?

Is it an almond pastry?
Is it a croissant?

-What kind of pastry is it? Shun!
-Maurice, are you gonna explain

why you're here?
Or are you just gonna keep pretending

it's 'cause you want to know
what sort of pastry Shun's eating?

Why won't he come home?

He's just staying here
a couple of days to sleep everything off.

-I'm coming in.
-No, no, no. Stop that!

-Please, Deborah, out of the way.
-No! This is my house!

-Yeah, well, my friend is in there
-Fuck off!

-and you're holding him prisoner. Shun!
- What are you talking about?

Come on! Let's get, let's go.
I wanna talk to you.

I'm eating a chocolate.

-Yeah, put the chocolate down.
-Chocolate delight.

Put the pastry down
and get dressed. Come on.

I will talk with Carol
about you hippopotamus!

-It's a little bit late for that, Shun.
-I promise. Never will drink again!

I will not even have tiny quaff.

Not even tiny grape
in case turn into wine in my stomach!

It's just interesting
this is where you run to.

Oh, Maurice, you're being ridiculous.

If you want to be angry with me
just be angry with me.

-Don't take it out on Shun.
- I'm not angry with you.

-Yes, you are.
- I'm not.

Sit down and eat your breakfast.
Just ignore him.

You're the one who's angry.

Seducing literally
hundreds of poor vulnerable men

like some puffed-up Agony Aunt.

-What?
-Condoms bloody everywhere, I hear.

Maurice, if I'd been
sleeping with hundreds of men

I would be dead from exhaustion.

At least I've got some dignity.

What's dignified about barging in here
and shouting at Shun about a pastry?

Well, it's too big, isn't it?
It's not a pastry,

it's a fucking loaf of bread!
What are you feeding him?

And what the hell is that doing out?
Like some sordid trophy?

-I have a reading this evening.
- Oh, you have a reading.

Did it not occur to you
how this might come across to people?

Hmm? What were you fucking thinking?

And, for the record, Dr Malone thinks
I'm handling all of this really well

considering I've got
a major depressive disorder

and abandonment issues
because my father ran off and drowned

-when I was a little boy!
-Oh, stop talking about how sad you are.

It's not sadness,
it's a disease!

I know that. Shun, what are you doing?

Be careful with that. Put it down.

Fucking idiot.

-Too much shouting all the way.
-Just come this way.

-Go and get dressed, Shun.
-Why you come here?

Look, the truth is
I always thought you were a...

kind, interesting, selfless...

man, just trying to break free from this
fog of whatever it is you want to call it.

-Major depressive disorder.
-We'll just call it depression, Maurice,

it's not a Nobel Prize.

You got no idea
what it's like, have you? No idea!

I met a lot of people
while writing this book

who have suffered
an awful lot more than you.

What's worse than wanting to die?

-Being dead for instance.
-You've met some dead people, have you?

-You've really lost the plot now.
-What I've discovered, Maurice,

if you'll let me finish,
is you are not a kind,

interesting, selfless, beautiful man.

Well, you are, a bit.

But you're also...

just quite boring a lot of the time.

Hi, Mum. Hope you're alright.

Just calling to say that Hylda and I are
coming to your reading thing tonight.

Even though, obviously,
I still don't approve of it.

Just thought it'd be sad
if no one came. Okay!

And I also wanted to ask you
something about grandad Felix.

Do you think he was mad?
Oh, and someone called Wendy.

And some paintings about a cursed family
called the Baumgaertners.

Have you listened to my thing yet?
Anyway, see you later, bye!

Hey. What's up, ladies?
Good morning.

-Hey!
- Nice shorts.

-Are you alright?
- Yeah. Never better.

-It's gotta be done, eh, Shunny Boy?

Just run one hundred meter,
already he's completely exhausted.

What?
So how's it going with...

-AUMSK?

You mean Omsk.

It's good. We're, erm...

We're just trying to
interpret these scores.

Right.

Cool.

-Your daughter's mental.
- Yeah.

Morning!

-Is everyone ready?
- Er, no, not really.

We just woke up, Amy.

I went for a swim.

I went for a swim,
and I cracked it like a coconut!

That's good.

-Really good.
- Is your eye okay?

Yeah, it's just hay fever.

Dad, do you know where the eye drops are?

Ah, no, I don't know.

Your mother likes to hide things like that

-in all sorts of illogical places.
-Guys, I'll see you there!

I'm gonna go through the corn! Whoo!

Baumgaertners!

Come to think of it,
strange decision to write a book

about someone so boring
in the first place.

Can I speak to Amy, please?

Er, bit of bad news there actually.

Amy's died. I talked to her by mistake
and bored her to death.

-Sorry about that.
-Maurice, stop being so stupid.

Stupid? I thought I was just boring.

-Make your mind up.
-Can I speak to Amy, please?

I just, I thought,
maybe she seemed a bit off.

Yeah, or maybe, Deborah,
she's just flourishing,

because her neurotic mother's not there
to stifle her by constantly begging

for attention with
passive-aggressive gestures of good will

which are quite obviously born
of some pathological desire to be needed,

of which, by the way, your ridiculous
and destructive book is a perfect example.

An Evening With Deborah Green.

Shove it up your arse!

Way to win back
the love of your life, Dad.

Donald,

it-- Listen.

When you've been with someone as long as
we've been together, you'll understand.

Understand what?

That telling someone who's just spent ages
writing a really thoughtful book

to shove it up their arse is a good idea.

No. Just that everything dies.

And that includes relationships.

-What's the point in getting married then?
-I don't know.

Good point.

Eat more happy pills!

Donald, that's not how they work.

When I get married, I'm not gonna
stand around in my tiny blue pants.

I'm gonna make dang sure that I do
everything in my power to guarantee

that they love me until they die.

Obviously, they'll die first
because of my immaculate immune system,

but until then, by God.

Maybe when you've had
a bit more experience,

you might have a more measured view
of what love actually means,

because, you know, we all like to
think of love as this huge,

beautiful thing that sweeps you along,
but actually it's not that.

It's co-ordinating diaries,
and washing dishes together, and--

Yeah, okay. Bye.

I'm trying to teach you
a valuable lesson about life!

You're boring, mate!

No! No, no, no, stop!

-It's still not right.
-Fuck's sake, Lightning.

What's the matter now?
Why have we stopped?

Because Bertha's got
this amazing eye, right?

And she can see. Like, she can see,

and it's a privileged view.

And this is the bit
where it starts to go bad,

-so it's weird and it's confusing and--

Pan.

Pan?

Why are you eating crisps?

-I'm hungry.
-Yeah, but I mean,

I'm trying to explain to you all
why this is still shit.

-It's not shit.
- We're just struggling

to know what you want, darling.

It's not even a circle now,
it's just...

I mean, what is that?

Her whole family is cursed!

Okay. She's trying to break the curse!

Just stop thinking about it so much
and bash it out. It's a massacre!

-Mate, your eye is fucked.
-Okay, look, this is what I mean.

Bananas.

What?

-Why are you saying bananas?
-Because you're bananas.

I'm sorry, Amy, but you are.
You're bananas.

We're really tired, Amy. We were up
till 2 a.m. last night doing this.

You know half of us
are on our fucking period, right?

-I had chunks this morning.
- I feel like someone's trying to

yank my organs out of my cunt.

-Do you ever get that?
-Yeah, sometimes, yeah.

Okay. Alright. Look.

Getting struck by lightning was the
best thing that ever happened to me

because if I hadn't have been then I would
never have bothered to make anything,

and I would never have met any of you.

I love you.

You're my best friends.

You're my only friends.

I trust you

to be able to do this.

I wanna go to that place together, as one,

as sisters.

We don't know what to play, Amy.

Okay.

Why is it so difficult!

Why is it so difficult!

Alright.

Fuck this Bum Gardener bullshit.

Stupid wig.

Is this the famous
Muck Suck Machine?

Er, you guessed it.

-This baby eats gunk for breakfast.

Very strange.

Can you pass the spanner matrix, please?

I'm guessing you mean this thing.

Yep. Danke Schön.

So you're not a clown anymore?

No. I just looked in the mirror one day
and asked myself...

do I want to be a clown
for the rest of my life.

And the answer was 'no.'

-So I'm trying other things.
-No. Oh, come on.

Not much luck so far, hence this place.

I'm not gonna lie. I do feel quite sorry
for you. This place is a shithole.

Thanks.

What?

I was just looking at your boobs.

Oh, right.

I thought you were gonna say something
to pretend that you weren't.

Quite big, aren't they?

I always thought
it was just because you were fat.

Just an observation.

What's the moustache about anyway?

Why? Do you like it?

Amy says I look
like an out-of-work porn star.

She's just jealous because her
stupid girl hormones couldn't grow one.

Can I touch it?

Yeah, if you want.

Mm. It's quite soft, isn't it?

I use conditioner.

On your moustache?

Yep.

Right. So...

It's not gonna explode
and splat sewage everywhere, is it?

I'm the best goddamn plumber
in Heathen's Wood.

God is love.

And she that dwelleth in love...

dwelleth in God...

and he in her.

Because there is no fear in love.

But perfect love...

casteth out fear.

Because fear hath torment.

And she that feareth...

is not made perfect in love.

Don't worry about me.

Fucking children!

You're both selfish,
arrogant, pretentious

mard-arses. It's pathetic!

Dad tried to hang himself, you idiot!

Your grandad applied to Omsk
a couple of times.

Kept getting told to fuck off.

I thought you liked pineapple.
Baumgaertner!

Bloody eat some then!

I'm the son!

Baumgaertner.

Hi. Boring? Really?

Maurice, look.

Barry! Hi.

Been running out in that heat?

Er. Just, yeah.

Dealing with some of this excess baggage.

Physical baggage, er, some emotional.

Obviously, if I checked in
all my emotional baggage,

I think I'd crash the bloody plane.

Yes.

Me too.

I think I've crashed several already.

-Ha!
-I'm at the bottom

of the bloody ocean!

Yeah. Ooh.

I love babies.

Hmm. They just radiate joy, don't they?

D'you remember what that was like?

Having your bottom wiped,

being carried to bed.

-Ooh.
-Yep.

You're going to cheer me up, aren't ya?

-I know how you feel, Maurice.
-Hmm.

To be rejected by such a wonderful woman.

Yeah. Er, I mean, obviously I was
married to her for quite a long time.

Erm...

Why do you have the baby?

Oh. Avelaine wanted me to look after her.

Mmm. I think they're going to
eat some drugs.

Aren't they? Eh?

Mummy's gonna eat some naughty drugs.

I'm going out
with a friend now, so...

I'm not gonna make it unfortunately.

Erm, okay. Well, that's alright.

Where are you going?

Dad's gone mental.
He's going out with the girls, so...

I thought I'd go
and keep an eye on him, you know.

Oh, right.

Why don't you bring your friend
to the reading?

Oh. It's just, we were kind of hoping
to let loose a bit.

So...

Oh, yes. Well, fair enough.

Erm, and is Amy there?

Er, hang on a second.

Amy!

Amy!

Amy!

I think she's out.

Oh, okay. Well, erm,

well, you have a great time,
Mr Pipe Man!

And you, Mum.
Hope you destroy it.

Oh, actually, Don, that reminds me.
Can I tell you something funny--

Shun! Are you coming?

Shun!

I didn't realise you were planning
to go. You haven't even read her book.

I feel sorry for her.

Look, if you don't wanna come, don't come.

If you do, let's go.
It'll probably be weird again,

but then at least we can come home
and carry on being happy.

-Are you happy though?
-Yes. Why?

Because you don't seem very happy
at the moment.

-I'm fine.
-No, you're quite--

-Where are my fucking socks?
-You're just a bit up here,

you know?

Amy, please calm down.

-I think you're tired.
-What are you on about, calm down?

I am calm, you're the one who's not calm.

And why do
people keep telling me I'm tired?

I'm like, basically
the only one who isn't tired.

-Oh, fuck off.
-What now?

-Doing that breathing thing again.
-What thing again?

That thing! Where you breathe like...

And you think,
because you haven't said any actual words

you're being all patient and saintly,

but actually it's worse
than just telling me to shut up,

because then at least I don't have to
watch you piss your scent

all over the moral high ground

like some demented
incontinent farm animal--

I have to breathe!

What is that?

You know what? Forget it.

-You're not in the right frame of mind.
-Amy, come on.

And I've got too much work to do anyway.

Let's go to your mother's thing.
You're just getting a bit fizzy.

You know what's fizzy? This shit.

What is going on with you?

What's going on with me? I'm cursed, mate.

My whole family is cursed.
And I need to break it.

You sound mad.

You're the one who spends your entire life

talking to some big beard-y pervert
in the sky,

like that's gonna solve everything.

Why can't you just face it?

Why can't you just
look the Devil in the eye and fight him?

Because I'd lose.

-Have a good day, Monkey.
-Where are you going?

See you later when you're not having
a hot flush about nothing.

Amy, where are you going?

I'm going to hell, mate, 'cause I'm mad.

I'm madder than God!

Well, fuck off then!

Yeah, yeah, hello. I'm Morag.

Erm, I just wanted to say

that, that you and Maurice are
such an inspiration to my husband and me.

We came here
because I'm absolutely loopy to be honest,

but we wanted to know, erm,

what activities
do you enjoy doing together

to, erm, to achieve this beautiful bond,

and how often do you have sex?

And what do you do to spice it up?

Erm, I mean,
for a long time, Maurice's libido...

Er, I mean, he just wasn't interested.
But erm...

But then sometimes we're going at it
like crazy, you know, so.

Erm, and, of course,
positions are very important.

-So...
-Oh, yeah. Like what?

Erm, I mean, well, sometimes I like to
thread my leg, erm, through, you know.

So that the important bits
are sort of rubbing,

as well as
the penetrative element, obviously.

But, but, erm,
then, of course, well, activities.

Erm, you know, you can go for walks,

or recently we had
a lovely caravan holiday, so...

Oh.

Oh, well, thank you.

Yes. Lady in the pink stripes.

Erm, my name's Sylvia.

And...

I lost my husband
three years ago to suicide.

Oh, Sylvia, I'm so, so sorry.
That must have been awful.

It's okay. Take your time.

Well...

I just wanted to say...

I don't think
you have the right to tell me

how it works.

Because I did everything I could
to help Freddy,

and Freddy did everything he could
to help himself. And he still died.

And...

I loved him.

And I looked after him.

I'm sorry, Sylvia.

Because you can't stop it,

can you?

That's the truth.

Ah, evening, my lady.
What you up to?

Just trying to work out
how to break the curse on our family

without murdering everyone
and burning the house down.

Ooh.

Well, I don't want
to disturb you, but, er,

do you mind watching the baby for a bit?

I'm just gonna pop myself in the shower.

Oh, I don't know
what I'm meant to do with it.

No, you will.

That's the ticket.

I, er, can't actually see anymore
'cause of the paint in my eyes,

so, er...

-Erm...

Fucking hell!

Sit down.

Sit. Bend half.

Bend in the middle.

Bend.

That's it.

Well done.

Barry!

Barry! For fuck's sake.