Flowers (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

So, Bertha Baumgaertner,

one of her eyes was yellow and then
the other one was kind of blue,

and she thought
that the yellow eye was blessed

and saw only wonder and beauty.

But the darker eye was damned
and saw only misery and despair.

That's why
she wears the eye patch.

Because it's the eye of darkness.

Yes, exactly.

But then the eye of wonder
starts to lose its power

and Bertha has the baby, but because
the Baumgaertner family are cursed,

she murders everyone
and shoots herself in the head.



-This is fantastic!

Tommy, are you listening?

Yeah, I mean, the only thing
I would say is, "Baumgaertner"?

It... it just sounds like "Bum Gardener."

Yeah. It does. But it's fine.

Thanks, guys.

What happened to Ryan?

Oh, er, he's gone off to be a professional
snooker player now, hasn't he?

So, er, this guy's
been keeping me company.

- Who's this?
-This is Bryan.

-Hi, Bryan.

- Hey, Lightning.

Sorry if it's loud.

Just been trying to
tear 'em up liberally so, er,



freestyling a bit.

Don't know what that means.

Hey, watch this.

Great.
Amazing.

Nice one, mate. You're strong.

These Bum Gardeners
are giving me the heebie-jeebies.

I think there might be
some voodoo shit going on.

Have you asked your dad about it?
Oh, no. Not yet.

So, has he gone funky again, then?

He's doing all right. He... He...
He had a three-hour bath yesterday,

-which was a bit weird.

What was he doing in there?

You know, just, like, humming.

Will you keep it down,
you absolute fuckers!

And tidy up this mess.
I feel like I'm living next to a slum.

Good morning to you, too.

Fuck off, Dolores!

And stop thieving Nana's juicy strawbs.

I wanted to make a nifty little posset,
but you've been gobbling them all up.

-Right, come on.

Oh, sorry.

I was meditating. Must've fallen asleep.

Remember you've got that dinner tonight
with the Carols about new ideas.

-You told me to remind you.
-Oh, shit.

Oh...

I'm supposed to be doing
sort of juices and stuff.

Yeah. I'll do that in a minute.

You got any fags on ya?

-You know, Deborah...
-Can I ask you a question?

I know you hate talking about your dad,
but it's really bugging me.

And obviously Mum's just written a book

about how she saved your life
and then dumped you on holiday,

so, I'm just wondering,
basically, how you are.

Er, well, there's still a sort of
screaming in my head but, er,

it's in this sort of big padded box

of all the medicine and stuff.

Er, so there's still a screaming,
but it's a quieter screaming.

Can I ask you anyway?
Do you know what this is?

It was with your dad's things.

"Baumgaertner."

A cursed household
in 18th-century Germany.

I've absolutely no idea.

I thought maybe that
Wendy person might know.

Are you sure you can't remember
anyone called Wendy?

Erm, no. Amy--

Actually, Dad, you know how
you use tapes and stuff to write.

And you said it was because

your dad used to record himself,
like diaries and things.

Maybe she was one of his mistresses
or something.

Well, I mean,
he had a lot of mistresses, so...

'Cause Nana was a prostitute, right?

Er, I wouldn't call it that.
She was his assistant.

Yeah, but she was a trollop before that.

Maybe he was in a cult or something.

She said he was a great magician.

No, I think he was bad.

In fact, he was pretty awful, actually.

Particularly with the birds
and the rabbits.

They just kept dying.

I'm gonna make you such a good juice.

-Oh, Dad, can I just ask you--
-Amy.

I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
I've got a headache.

Why does it make you so--

Because why would you run off?

He was a cunt in a cape.
That's all there is to it.

I don't know why you wanna listen
to the ramblings of a mad man, anyway.

Oh, you're opening the curtains,
that's nice.

Maurice just used to
leave them shut all day.

Yeah.

-Ole misery-toots.

"Misery-toots."
That's a funny way of putting it.

This is a lovely gaff, you know.

So you been doing this a lot, then?

Er, not really.

I mean, I ended up on a date
with a chap from the Self-Help Conference.

He had Tourette's,
which was quite interesting.

Kept shouting "Fuckwagon"
and "Shit yourself" at me.

Quite a turn-on, actually.

But, erm, he wasn't up for it
in the end, so.

Yeah, I thought my wife had Tourette's

'cause she used to shout
stuff like that at me as well.

Turns out

she just genuinely hated me.

Morning, madam.

Completely drunk again.

Absolute disaster.

-Where's your lady friend, Shun?
-Ah, my gosh.

Hi. Hello.

I'm so lucky
Avelaine is big fan of my peanuts.

But she love to put all kind of thing
inside my bottom.

Like what?

Anything. Pepper grinder. Sausage.

Vacuum cleaner. Shoes.

Irish cream.

Rhubarb.

And I'm so sozzle and squiff, I just say,

"Yes, yes. Go ahead, go ahead.

What's next one, huge cupboard?

Fine. No problem. Go ahead, please."

She put a cupboard up your arse?

No, just...

This kind of thing.

Audrey tried to run me over
with a lawnmower once.

Before she died.

Emptied a whole bottle of Ouzo
into the bath.

Got squiffy on the fumes, and...

Aah!

It's so sad
about Deborah, isn't it?

I think this new title's
gonna help me a lot.

Just cut through all the other
sad-people books, you know.

-Yes, I'm quite worried about--
-Pow!

Living with the Devil.

Yes.

No. I love it, yes.

That's good, yes.

That story, though,
about him trying to cook a roast

and then bursting into tears
when he burns the parsnips.

Hilarious.

And very sad, as well.

Obviously.

But is this just like, erm,

your revenge, then,
for all those years of misery?

Er, no, it's to help people.

Er, and he wasn't crying
about the parsnips

as you'll know from reading the book.

Is that your "please love me" spread?

Yes, Donald likes the Cheesy Pencils
and Amy loves pineapple.

When she was little
it used to make her face go like this...

Ain't she the one who hates ya?

Ah, well, she's just pretending.

I just called her several times a day

until it was less stressful
for her to say yes.

So now they're both
coming round to see me.

Mmm...

Toast.

Erm, so when you're done with the toast,

I should probably start
to set the room up,

unless you want to talk more about
how you're going to publicise my book?

-It keeps doing this weird thing.

I think you might just have
put a bit too much in there.

She's making me a Vegetable Hurricane.

Sounds dangerous.

-How you doing?
- Yeah, good.

Getting there.
Been doing some breathing and stuff.

-We're all breathing, mate.

-Hey.
- Yeah, good one.

Erm, Amy. We need the new scores.

Sorry, yeah, just doing my dad's smoothie.

Er, excuse me,
that's Mum's special towel.

-Dad, did you see that?

This doodah of your mother's this evening.

Do you think it would flummox it
if I didn't come along?

Oh, my God, Monkey,
can we not do this every time?

It's just, I don't really do family.

- Hello!

Tried a few times but didn't get through,
so, er, it's your mother here,

just calling to check
what time you'll both be coming later.

Yes, and, erm, Maurice, er...

If you're listening to this,
then when you see the title, it's...

It wasn't my idea.

Hello there.

-Dear friend.
-What...

I wanted to ask you

a bit of a delicate question
about Deborah.

I haven't spoken to her for a while, so--

Is she still off-limits?

Right. The thing is, Barry, erm,

it's not really...

It's up to her, obviously.

Oh, but you're
a very, very dear friend, Maurice.

I wouldn't want to do anything
that might hurt you.

I'm not sure you could make it any worse,
to be honest.

But if I was to try and imagine
what she might say,

I have a hunch that she...
She might say no.

Thank you, Maurice.

Thank you for allowing me this.

It's funny how things turn out, isn't it?

So, I mean, I don't have much but, erm...

I've had a few ideas
that they might be interested in, erm...

-Okay, exciting. Tell me.
-Mmm...

Er, well,
seem more just, erm...

What I was thinking about...

-Yeah, erm... It's...
-Yeah! Good idea.

I haven't said anything yet.

You have cheeky face.
I know you are thinking amazing idea.

Yeah, erm...

I... I don't have anything.
Er, I'm sorry.

-I don't--
-Yes, you are.

I...

I don't. I'm sorry, Shun.
I completely forgot.

I've been a bit preoccupied
with the Deborah stuff, so.

Okay, come on.

Defeat this depress. No panic.

Look around.

Where is good idea?

Tree?

Not tree.

Rock. Yes.

Rock have adventure.

Rock have a secret power.

Can fly!

Smash into eagle pigeon
full of egg,

fall into ocean.

Where am I? Completely lost.

Swim around, swim around.

Strange encounter. Who is here?

Dolphin. Broken flipper. Love story.

Carrying rock home. Yeah?

Erm, I'm not sure about that.

Why?

-Even rock?

Maybe we should call it off.

I... I'm not
in a very productive state of mind.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Fantastic idea.

Why you not answer door, Mr Flowers?

I'm waiting for ages.

Shun, I'll go, okay,

because I'm supposed to be finding
little ways of staying active,

but I'm not excited by it. I'm sorry.

I'm thinking of packing it all in, anyway.

How about Grubbs? One more try.

Grubbs is dead.

"Grubbs is dead."

Never mind.

Goodbye.

-Big one.

Yes.

Motherfucker.

Yuck.

-Hello!

-I think it's number three.
-I know.

The Great Pipe Man!

-Hello.

Ah, you both came. Hello.

-Amy.
-Hi.

Oh.

And a priest? Hello.

This is Hylda.

Evening, Deborah.

"The Great Gloom
is an essence that looms.

It creeps o'er the Earth
in a shimmer of doom."

Fantastic.

Well, I mean, I wrote that line, so.

No, she wrote it.

It's from The Great Gloom. The book...

that I wrote that...

-you published.
- It's the way she uses it.

I never understood what it meant
when you wrote it.

-Hmm.
-The point is that we are very excited.

And we are very disappointed
in your decision

to terminate the relationship
at such a crucial point.

I didn't.

To be honest, erm,
I'm very difficult to...

I'm... I'm difficult.

I'm surprised she stuck around
as long as she did.

Okay. It just means, er,

obviously we're going to have to talk
to Clive about...

I'm sorry, did you do
a pre-meal booze-up or something?

-No. No. Shun...
-Just, er...

Er, do you know Wine AM?

-Wine. Wine AM.
- Wine AM.

Shun's, er,
got very excited this morning

-about the new ideas.
-Love Wine AM.

So, er... Erm...

-What were you saying about these?
- Mmm.

Yeah, well, erm...

He's a hippo.

-Erm...
- And what does he do?

He... Well, he's a hippo, so.

I just love how they're so content
all the time, the way they look.

Chatting to his bird friends, erm,

being a hippo.

-And...
- Wow.

-Absolutely amazing.
-Er, I just...

You know, I think maybe he could always be

overeating maybe, er,
maybe he's always a little bit full.

Overeating?

Yes.

I like it.

-Do you?

Just a banter.
Don't worry.

She used to break into the church

to play the organ
in the middle of the night.

And, er,

did you think it was Jesus?

-Your Eminence?
-No.

I... I did wonder
if there was a ghost, though.

Turns out it was just this beautiful girl
who likes weird instruments.

Oh, steady on.

She means musical instruments, Mum.

Sorry, yes.

I mean, I wouldn't mind if it wasn't.

I mean, erm,
Maurice and I never but, erm...

Then he, er...

Sorry. Why you talking about him?

Erm, shall I chop up some pineapple?

I'm all right for pineapple, thanks.

Congratulations on the book, by the way.
It's quite an achievement.

Thank you, Hylda. I mean, it's no Bible.

It's the best book I've ever seen
in my whole life.

Gosh, it's actually coming out,
I can't quite believe it. Erm...

We have another reading in a few days,
if you're interested.

I'll be there.

Oh, good.

Hylda, would you...

No, no, I don't drink. Thank you.

Oh, apart from sacramental.

-Ooh, that sounds posh.
- Mum.

She's old.

-You can say that she's old.
-Is she?

- Yes.

Honestly hadn't even crossed my...
I...

You look the same...
I thought you were the same...

I think it's beautiful.

How did you...
How did you get into the Church?

Oh, well, long story short,

I was a junkie for quite a while.

And it was just quite a good way
of putting my life in the hands

of someone, well, not a junkie.

Who was that, then?

Well, she means God.

Of course. Sorry.

Duh!

-Gosh, how interesting.

My daughter's going out
with a heroin addict. Amazing.

You all right back there?

Barry, er...

Why are you here?

Sorry. It's just, I had hoped to spend
a bit of time with my children.

Shall we head, Bazzatron?

I've got a service in a while, anyway.

-Drink... Drink this.
-Come on. Cheer up, Mr Flowers.

-Drink this.

-It's not funny. Drink this.
-Yeah. This...

What is this?

Water. Might help
to get rid of your hiccups.

I don't need this.

Because not hiccups. It's a sneeze.

-It's not a sneeze. It's a hiccup.
-This...

This, sneeze.

Look, I thought you wanted me
to come up with some new ideas.

That's what we're here for, okay?

Yes, but you are not want to be here.
You explain me.

Yeah, but they seem to like the hippo, so.

Seem to like toilet cake
I have for pudding.

-What?
-Yeah.

-Are you listening to me?

What's funny?

-Well, they're...
-Funny is Mr Hippo's fucking stupid.

Hey! They're...
They're interested in the hippos.

-The hippos--
-You are gone mad.

No. Do you mind?

-Shh!
-The hippos are going well. They seem--

Let me tell you this is your painting.

-A present.
-Put it... Put it back, Shun.

-Stop it. Shun...
-No, I think it's...

Hi, welcome.

This the toilet.

-Shun?
-Knock, knock. Shh!

-I'm not doing that.
-Knock, knock, knock.

-I'm not doing it, no.
-Come on.

-No. I'm not--
-Ding-dong. Ding-dong.

I'm not. There's nobody...
There's nobody in.

-I can see you in from the window.
- I'm...

-I see you from window.
-Yeah, well, I'm not answering.

-Even if I am in I'm not answering.
-Ding-dong.

Hiroshima.

Oh, my God. Can we just...

-We can do this, okay?

-Okay.
-Can you just clam down?

-Okay.
-We gotta go in there and do it.

I'm calm.

-I behave. Yes.
-Let's do it.

Hippo time, watch this.

I do this.

Which way is my table?

-Nice to meet you.
-Shun. Shun.

Ah.

This peasant and her squidiot friends
are turning your house into a favela.

You have to do something about it.

I'm sure it's not that bad,
and it's not my house anymore, so.

But are you coming back or not.

Because I prefer you to Dad, obviously,

but I don't like the sound
of this dating malarkey,

and I've got to be honest, Mum,

you're starting to piss me off.

No, I'm... I'm...

I'm not coming back, Donald.

Right. Okay.

Bitch-hag is gonna call me sexist now,

but women are 100% more crazy than men,

100%.

They are all fucking crazy, 100%.

And I'm sorry, I never thought I'd say it,
but, Mum, that includes you.

Go on, call me a misnogynist.

Did you just say "misnogynist"?

Yeah, so what? Look it up.

There's no "N" in it. That's not a word.

Whatever.

Where are you going?

For a poo, obviously.

So, Hylda's nice, isn't she?

Mmm.

Is that why you kicked her out?

No, because...

I didn't do that.

I... I knew this would happen.
I knew you'd both turn against me.

Oh, well, don't say it like that.

-Like what?
-Like you've done nothing wrong.

You know that it doesn't go away, right?
It's not like he's cured.

I do know that. I wrote a book about it,
which you still haven't read.

You've stolen Dad's dirty laundry

and print-pressed it
into a 300-page appeal

for the sympathy of complete strangers.

Oh, for God's sake, what's the point?

If it helps, Amy, I didn't write the book
for other people, I wrote it for me.

The amount of shit
I wiped out of your fanny,

the least you could do is support me.

And I... I thought you liked pineapple.

-I do like pineapple.
-Well, bloody eat some, then!

Oh, the show's going fine, by the way.
Thanks for asking.

What have you done now?

Mum, don't listen to her,
she's a poisonous harpy.

I can't tell you
how excited we are

to get ideas like this from you.

Yeah, Lord, we hated Grubbs.

Well, it's a relief for me as well,
to be out of that, you know.

Can I ask question?

Do you think this hippo
is too cheerful, hmm?

Well, yes, that's what
we were saying earlier, that it needs to--

-I know, I know, but just--
- Shun.

-It's fine.
-Would it help if the hippos were dirty?

-If the colours were more...

What's the issue?

I'm not expert,
but this is what I explain, this...

Not just dirty.

Grubbs is darkness.

Yeah.

You understand?

- We understand, Shun.

You know,
English people are so racist to me.

Calling me "chink" all the time.

- That's... That's horrible.
- Chinky boy, chinky boy.

Hello, chinky boy.

But Japanese, Chinese people
completely different.

-Yeah, of course.
-Because Chinese people

are so smelly.

You can't say that.
Yes. Yes, it's true.

Burping, farting always.

Of course, it doesn't matter.

Your culture is different.

If you are smelly for your culture,
fine, I agree. I agree.

"This is my culture."

Jesus Christ, man!

He is sort of allowed, isn't he?

He's not Chinese, is he?

I'm into Chinese
if I have too much noddle.

I see proof in temple in Japan.

Chinese people go into toilet,
when they come out, poo everywhere. Wow!

Even on roof.

- On the roof?
-He means the ceiling.

Ceiling. What they doing in there?

Throw it around with a paint brush?

Poo painting, Chinese...

-Get my poo from my bottom.
- That's enough. Shun.

Paint on the ceiling.
That's enough.

-Most kind--
-Stop it.

Terrible people.

World is just awful.
Bash, bash, bash, bash!

Never stop.

Have to understand why this...

Otherwise this picture is a stupid.

How can I draw this stupid picture?

-Shun.

It's okay, we're gonna go.

Come on. Excuse me!

I don't need this.

You have chuck him out as well.

I know you are a terrorist woman.

You secret... You have bomb in your table.

Bazooka bomb, terrorist woman.

You liar, Mr Flower.

You are scared of dark!

I know you're scared of...

You name is Lazy Susan!

Doesn't make sense. Indian Summer.

Maurice,
you are in the garden.

-Playing with your creepy crawlies.

-And I am watching you.

I cannot bring myself to come outside.

I have seen the devil, Maurice,

and the devil was an angel.

Because to remember heaven
in the heat of darkness,

that is the true meaning of Hell.

We are a cursed household.

And if the devil comes to you
when you are old,

and he will come to you...

...you must look him straight in the eye,
and you must say this,

"Not me."

Do you understand, my son?

"Not me."

Because I am not der Auserwählte,

and you, you are too weak, Maurice.

You cannot defeat the devil.

We must wait.

We must wait for the Chosen One.

It's all right, I get it.

Er, anyway,
I'll call you about the reading.

Okay, yes. Thanks, Clive.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Jesus Christ.

- What is it?

I don't know.
Some Chinese guy with sick on his shirt.

Pickle.

No problem.