Flophouse (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Toxoplasmosis at Garbage Party - full transcript
Hello, New Orleans!
Hello, New Orleans!
Welcome to Garbage Party!
Garbage Party!
I come back to this city a lot.
It's my home c-I'm from here.
If you think about this,
the dynamics of this city,
I mean, comedy
is something that fits.
It's just never really
had a scene until now.
Oh, I know
they eatin' my crawdads!
Wow.
What a progressive statement.
It's booming now.
Like, you know, I been born
and raised in New Orleans,
but since doing the comedy thing
for 2 1/2 years,
it's picked up from
since I actually started.
There's comedy
all throughout the week.
You know, there's a place
to go to every day of the week.
More - more than one.
Make some noise
if you're pretty
under-employed right now.
This is what I love
about New Orleans!
We're all fucking poor
as shit, dude.
I love New Orleans
because it is a place
that prioritizes happiness.
Like, everyone is just
so happy all the time.
Everyone's a little fat
and a little drunk
and a little under-employed,
and it's okay.
What sets New Orleans
apart as a comedy scene
is the same thing that sets
the city apart as a city.
It's - it's more of a -
a gritty place.
You know, it doesn't fully have
its shit together.
The city has, like,
a unique flaw to it,
which is what comedy truly is -
it's highlighting
the flaw of humanity
to where we can all laugh
about it, accept it,
and move past it.
I'm Geoffrey Gauchet.
We're in Gentilly
in New Orleans.
This is my house.
Neighborhood's pretty quiet,
pretty chill, relatively safe.
Most of the murders
happen in a five-block radius
away from my house,
so not right here,
which is good.
Yeah, so we're gonna do
a comedy show here.
I do it every so often.
It's called Garbage Party,
just whenever I have time.
Throw a party, have some comics.
We just, you know, put on a show
in my backyard,
and it's super-fun.
People rage till 4:00
or 5:00 in the morning.
Aah!
Geoff's a great man.
He runs a great show.
I hear he has a lot of cats
that, um...
make the house smell.
Then we have the cat room, uh,
where they're living right now,
and it smells like cat shit
and piss all of the time.
It's - it's gross.
Yeah, so this was an office kind
of thing for a while,
but then I got the cats.
That's Rory, named for Rory
from "Dr. Who."
And that's Fred.
That was just his name
when I got him,
and he - it just seemed
like that would be his name.
He's super-chill
and likes people.
Rory takes a long time
and is very upset
about being closed up
in this room all day.
I don't know if you can tell
through your cameras,
but there's an aroma
you can almost see.
It probably looks like Vaseline
on the lens or something.
It smells a lot like - yeah.
The reason
our skin looks so soft
is 'cause there's a waft
of expired cat urine.
No one's eating inside,
and it makes sense. No.
Will you help me decide
which jokes
about Geoff's house
smelling like pee I should do?
- Tell me your tops.
- Okay.
The only thing getting wet
in Geoff's house
is his couch
after his cat pisses on it.
Usually when someone says
a guy smells like pussy,
it's a good thing.
Geoff's place
really makes you wonder
which came first -
the sad divorce
or the house stinking
of cat piss?
They're all equally
cutting and true.
Oh, no!
Come get in here.
Oh, no!
Oh, my God.
They're just so content.
It stinks.
You're living in your own filth,
but it's cute,
and you can get away with it.
All right.
We good to go?
We're good to go.
All right, we're gonna do this.
We're gonna start
the comedy show.
All right.
Nervous.
I still get nervous.
Still to this day.
80-degree night.
We're doing it.
Hello, New Orleans!
Yeah!
Please welcome the one
and only Andrew Polk,
ladies and gentlemen.
I got a Cricket phone
'cause I'm a poor person.
I got a Cricket phone.
Two things
to know about Cricket phones -
they only work on speaker,
and you can only charge them
by riding the bus.
That's it.
That's a Cricket phone.
One fun feature they don't
advertise on Cricket phone
is, if a bill collector
calls you,
caller I. D. does not come up.
It just goes, "Nuh-nuh!"
It's like, "Okay.
I will not be answering
the phone, then."
Have you guys seen the movie
"Paranormal Activity"?
It's about this demon
that terrorizes
this entire family.
You can't see the demon, though.
You can just see
what the demon does,
what he touches,
what he moves around the house.
I want to see
what the demon looks like.
I want to see his mannerisms.
So I'm gonna act
out for you guys
what the demon would look like
if you could see him
in the movie -
the film...
..."Paranormal Activity."
Okay.
This is not it.
But it could be.
Light switch!
Ceiling fan!
Yellow pages.
Huh. Look at that.
Oh.
Cabinet.
Cabinet, cabinet, cabinet,
cabinet, cabinet,
cabinet, cabinet.
Cabinet.
Garbage disposal.
All right, guys,
thank you very much.
You guys are awesome.
Sean Patton!
What else can we talk about?
I think it would be
mean for me to say
I don't like
Pizza Delicious pizza.
- I understand. I understand.
- I mean,
it's like, you could feel
ambivalent about it,
but, like, all pizza is good.
I - I don't like it
'cause it's not good.
It's always old.
And it's also part
of the gentrification process
which is moving black people
out of Bywater.
They're not killing your
brothers with pizza.
I ate the pizza, Kamari.
I didn't want to.
You just ate the pizza, man.
I ate the gentrification
pizza, though.
They heat the pizza up, man.
They'll even make it for you.
It's reheated.
That shit was made yesterday.
- You sure?
- No, but I -
All right, you're not sure.
Look how you just -
I can - I can slander, though.
That's part of my job
as a comedian is to slander.
That's how you get sued.
What they gonna take from me?
My jacket?
That's all I got.
That's my most -
That's my most worldly
possession right here.
I'm 25.
It's weird being 25.
It's a weird generation.
Like, every ti-
I think my generation sucks
'cause, like, we don't
have anything... at all.
Like, look.
Like, I'm in college.
Like, it's mostly -
mainly 'cause old people won't
die so we can get they jobs.
Old people are living so long.
And all we can do is give them
food so they can live -
Every time I go to a restaurant,
I just see one
of my friends, like,
just serving me food,
and I'm like, "Aw, damn."
I feel - You ever feel, like,
you feel guilty when you go to,
like, the fuckin' Panera Bread,
and you see the person you went
to high school with,
and they went to college
to be a psychiatrist,
and you be like, "She is not
a psychiatrist at all."
That is some good bread
she's serving.
That's some very good bread.
It's very healthful.
She's still a help
to our community,
but she is not helping
mental health as much.
It occurred to me recently,
like, how scary it is
just how quickly
I would've joined the army
in high school
had they told me
I was pretty one time.
Like, just that once,
and I would've had a very
different trajectory in life.
Compliments are a very dangerous
thing for me.
I'll do a lot for a compliment.
Like, even now,
if someone tried to, like,
abduct me...
uh, and let's just say
for the purpose of that joke
that it's a man, and, uh...
...and, like,
before he snatched me,
he was like, "Hey,
I love how I can't
see your forehead
through your bangs,"
I'd be like, "What?
Do you want me, like,
in the trunk or the back seat?"
Let's talk about my divorce.
Let's do that.
My divorce.
The reason I have this big
bad boy of a house.
I don't know.
Sometimes you just know -
you know?
- when you find somebody.
And sometimes you just guess.
And...
And I guessed.
I guessed very wrongly.
If I had
to describe the marriage,
I guess I would say it was like
an M. Night Shyamalan movie,
'cause I was,
like, really excited about it
before it started...
and then like halfway through,
I was like, "Well,
this isn't terrible."
Then at the end,
it turns out I was dead
inside the whole time.
I have what's
unfortunately called a dad bod.
It's a bad term.
I don't like what it implies,
visually.
But I don't like it
especially 'cause
it's a missed opportunity.
How, as a nation,
did we collectively decide
on "dad bod"
when we could have had
"father figure"?
Yeah! Party!
Bwaah! Nerd! Nerd!
Vulgar nerd!
Dude, parties are nothing
without conflict.
Everybody knows this.
Nerds!
If you're over the age of 50,
I'm gonna interrupt you
any fuckin' chance I get.
I believe in that strongly.
Like, if a 55-year-old
guy comes up
and asks me for directions,
I'm like, bmf!
"You had your chance, pal!
Keep it moving.
This is our world now!
You got to live in it!"
I was talking to this older guy
over Thanksgiving, dude
in the older generation.
He was feeding me a bunch
of bullshit, right?
He's like, "All Millennials -
all you Millennials,
all you're just concerned
about's your personal brand.
All you care about is protecting
your personal brand."
Like,
"What the fuck do you think
a reputation is, you old bitch?
It's the same thing as a brand."
You know why Genghis Khan
had to kill everybody
in the fuckin' village?
To get that Mongol brand
out there, guys.
Get that shit to ring large.
Machiavelli?
Pretty strong brand,
if you ask me.
Got his own damn word now.
That's strong.
When Tupac changed his name
to Makaveli,
people weren't thinking
about Tupac anymore.
They were like,
"He must have faked his death,"
because of
the Machiavelli stuff!
That's how strong the brand was!
It carried over to Tupac.
It erased Tupac
and became Machiavelli, guys.
That doesn't happen
for everybody.
That can't happen for Socrates.
Socrates don't have that kind
of brand.
What, your favorite
rapper's gonna
change his name to Socrates?
"Oh, what, he's gonna
ask more questions now?"
Please.
Please.
Keep it to yourself.
My uncle tried to convince methat he
pulled off the popcorn trick in the '70s.
If you don't know
what the popcorn trick is,
I'll enlighten you.
It's when a man takes a woman
on a date to the movie theater
and somehow,
without anyone seeing it happen,
he gets his dick
into that popcorn bucket.
No one saw it happen.
It's just in there now,
like a leopard
waiting to pounce.
And the woman,
oblivious to that all,
is just chowing down
on that free popcorn, right?
Just free popcorn.
"Let me get my f-" And then,
eventually, "Oh, what?
What is that?
Oh, my God.
Is that a dick?"
Look, ladies, you know,
a penis is a gift
in any context, right?
Doesn't matter the situation.
If there's a hard dick,
you're gonna have to jerk
that fuckin' thing off!
Even if it's during
"American Sniper."
"Take the shot!"
No one's ever done that.
No, you take a woman
into a movie theater,
you get in,
and then you say to her,
"Hey, I'll see you in there."
And then you rush
to the concession stand,
and you buy some popcorn.
You probably buy a small.
Even a small's like 8 inches.
You don't have 8 inches,
otherwise you wouldn't need
to trick women
into giving you handjobs.
And now what?
You got the -
You're not gonna just,
right there,
while people are, like,
eyeing down Sno-Caps and shit.
You have to go
into the bathroom,
I imagine, and just jam a hole -
get a nice hole
in the bottom of that bucket
and then thrust
your rock-hard cock.
Let's just go ahead
and address that right now.
You have to have an erection
to pull this off.
You can't successfully
wiggle a limp penis.
You have to have a type
of erection you would have
the morning after losing
a beer pong competition.
Like, just thrust it
into popcorn, mind you.
Sharp, salty popcorn.
Hope you buttered that up nice.
Hope you buttered
that up real nice.
And now here's where I
really start to get curious.
Now you're in.
Now get from the bathroom stall
to the movie theater
without everyone noticing
that you're balls-deep
in a goddamn snack food.
"Oh, look at those
movie posters!"
And for what?
To sit down next to your date
and hope that she likes popcorn.
"Aha! Popcorn."
"Oh, no, I don't -
I don't like popcorn."
"What do you mean?
It's popcorn.
So good."
And maybe she gets hungry,
changes her mind,
starts eating some popcorn,
and your concentration
is broken when she goes,
"Oh, my God!
Oh.
Oh, there's, like,
a dead, hairless mouse.
Oh, there's a dead,
hairless mou-"
"What the fuck?!"
She should run.
I hope she doesn't.
I hope she rips the bucket
off just to laugh -
"Look at it!"
Your Quasimodo penis.
I hope the salt
has seeped its way
into your testicles
and destroyed them
like the Death Stars they were.
And I hope
she throws the bucket,
and you watch it fly away...
kernels falling
out of the glory hole.
Looks like sparks
from the thruster
of a space shuttle.
Remember when you wanted
to be an astronaut?
The only time I think
the popcorn trick's okay to do
is to your equally
heterosexual roommate.
Have fu-
"Hey, I got some popcorn!"
"Fuckin' right!
Ohh!
What is that?!
Oh, it's your dick.
Wait, wait.
Take that off.
Take that - Are you hard?
Take that -
Oh, you're - That's so -
You're so hard.
You're so hard.
You're so -"
"You're so fuckin' hard.
When did you even
take your shorts off?
You're so hard.
That's weird.
That's a strange thing, right?"
"I know!
Women should totally get paid
as much as us."
"Ah, fuck you, dude!"
"No, I'm not gonna come!
I'm not gonna come!
Fuck you!
I'm not gonna - " " No,
I'm not gonna come first.
You're gonna come first.
I'm gonna come."
"No, you're - Ahh!
Aahh! Aaaaah!"
"That's your come noise?
Seriously?
That's the sound you make?"
"What's your fuckin' come -
Ahh!"
"I don't know.
It - Eeee!
Ahhh! I know!
It's stupid, too!
Aaah! Aaah!"
"Ahhh! Ahhh!"
"Aah, aah, aaaah."
"Ohh, ohh, ohh.
Oh. Aah!
Right?"
"I know.
Aah. Ahh. Ahh."
"Aah! I'll do it f-
aah! Aah.
Aah!"
"Aah!
That's like bleach.
Oh, my God."
"Was that gay?"
"No, man.
That was just human."
Thank you!
Good night!
- B sharp?
- Oh, yeah.
3, 4.
Yeah!
What, you gonna
stop dancing now?
I live in the Ninth Ward.
I had a lady deliver pizza
to me the other day.
She wanted me to walk her back
to her car.
She's like, "Please,
can you just walk me -
You don't have to tip me.
Just please walk me back
to my car."
I'm like, "Miss,
if I walk you back to your car,
how am I gonna walk back
to my house to eat the pizza?
Take this tip. Good luck
with your travels, lady."
When I moved down here,
it was, like,
the scariest day of my life.
My roommate, Dave,
decides to take me
to the French Quarter,
figures it'll be nice.
I ate a good meal,
end up walking
past a liquor store,
and this lady comes out holding
three alcoholic beverages,
and she asks me to hold them
while she lit her cigarette.
And before I could say,
"Yeah," she was like,
"Oh, don't worry.
I won't try to rob you."
That hadn't even
crossed my mind.
'Cause I figured
that'd be an odd way
to mug somebody.
"Hey, can you please hold these
three separate drinks for me?
All right, put them drinks down!
Empty out your pockets!
Give me everything you got!
Well, do you heard me?!"
I think that a lot
of people don't understand
my personal style.
I think I just have, like,
a weird aesthetic.
My aesthetic is, like,
if Elizabeth Taylor
was in "Gummo."
Are there enough people?
I know what I look like.
Like, I look like this.
Like, if you saw me going
into a nice restaurant,
you would be like, "Um,
what are you doing?"
But if you saw me eating
out of a Dumpster,
you wouldn't be like,
"What are you doing?"
I am ready for more show!
You are ready for more fun!
Everybody, what's in your hand
right now?
Take a sip!
Please welcome
to the graceful stage
that it is,
the wonderful Mary-Devon Dupuy,
ladies and gentlemen.
I got my vagina
into a real pickle recently.
I, uh...
I had like eight -
one classic STD
and like eight offshoots.
You know, there's always
like a domino effect.
And I had to take this medicine
called Flagyl,
which I don't know
if y'all are familiar.
It's exactly
what it sounds like.
It's what you have to take
when you have a horror cunt.
Um...
So I couldn't drink
for eight days,
and I had this,
like, horrible mess
of a reproductive system
going on.
I was like a real junkyard
dog of a lady.
And I kind of made my vagina
like a New Orleans street.
It should've been closed
for repairs a long time ago.
I was still letting people
drive down it,
but it was hurting their cars.
Um...
Can tell
some of you all have not been
driving around here, um,
or fucking me.
It was gross.
Geoff's house didn't even smell
like this before I got here.
Uh...
That has been Garbage Party!
Thank you, New Orleans!
He's doing it!
Yes!
Thanks for the bandage!
The money!
Quick walk
around the money, goddamn it.
Oh!
Your body's a piece of shit!
Let's do it!
I'm ready!
- Arm-wrestling?
- This one's for pussy!
- 1, 2, 3, go!
- He ain't ready!
He's letting me - Oh, come on.
Oh, I got you!
I got you!
I got you, old man!
Shitting blood!
I'm shitting blood tonight!
Oh!
- It's a cannon!
- Oh, no!
No!
No, it's not happening!
Ohh!
Aaaaaaaaah!
Aaaaaaaaah!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Get the fuck out of here, huh?!
Hello, New Orleans!
Welcome to Garbage Party!
Garbage Party!
I come back to this city a lot.
It's my home c-I'm from here.
If you think about this,
the dynamics of this city,
I mean, comedy
is something that fits.
It's just never really
had a scene until now.
Oh, I know
they eatin' my crawdads!
Wow.
What a progressive statement.
It's booming now.
Like, you know, I been born
and raised in New Orleans,
but since doing the comedy thing
for 2 1/2 years,
it's picked up from
since I actually started.
There's comedy
all throughout the week.
You know, there's a place
to go to every day of the week.
More - more than one.
Make some noise
if you're pretty
under-employed right now.
This is what I love
about New Orleans!
We're all fucking poor
as shit, dude.
I love New Orleans
because it is a place
that prioritizes happiness.
Like, everyone is just
so happy all the time.
Everyone's a little fat
and a little drunk
and a little under-employed,
and it's okay.
What sets New Orleans
apart as a comedy scene
is the same thing that sets
the city apart as a city.
It's - it's more of a -
a gritty place.
You know, it doesn't fully have
its shit together.
The city has, like,
a unique flaw to it,
which is what comedy truly is -
it's highlighting
the flaw of humanity
to where we can all laugh
about it, accept it,
and move past it.
I'm Geoffrey Gauchet.
We're in Gentilly
in New Orleans.
This is my house.
Neighborhood's pretty quiet,
pretty chill, relatively safe.
Most of the murders
happen in a five-block radius
away from my house,
so not right here,
which is good.
Yeah, so we're gonna do
a comedy show here.
I do it every so often.
It's called Garbage Party,
just whenever I have time.
Throw a party, have some comics.
We just, you know, put on a show
in my backyard,
and it's super-fun.
People rage till 4:00
or 5:00 in the morning.
Aah!
Geoff's a great man.
He runs a great show.
I hear he has a lot of cats
that, um...
make the house smell.
Then we have the cat room, uh,
where they're living right now,
and it smells like cat shit
and piss all of the time.
It's - it's gross.
Yeah, so this was an office kind
of thing for a while,
but then I got the cats.
That's Rory, named for Rory
from "Dr. Who."
And that's Fred.
That was just his name
when I got him,
and he - it just seemed
like that would be his name.
He's super-chill
and likes people.
Rory takes a long time
and is very upset
about being closed up
in this room all day.
I don't know if you can tell
through your cameras,
but there's an aroma
you can almost see.
It probably looks like Vaseline
on the lens or something.
It smells a lot like - yeah.
The reason
our skin looks so soft
is 'cause there's a waft
of expired cat urine.
No one's eating inside,
and it makes sense. No.
Will you help me decide
which jokes
about Geoff's house
smelling like pee I should do?
- Tell me your tops.
- Okay.
The only thing getting wet
in Geoff's house
is his couch
after his cat pisses on it.
Usually when someone says
a guy smells like pussy,
it's a good thing.
Geoff's place
really makes you wonder
which came first -
the sad divorce
or the house stinking
of cat piss?
They're all equally
cutting and true.
Oh, no!
Come get in here.
Oh, no!
Oh, my God.
They're just so content.
It stinks.
You're living in your own filth,
but it's cute,
and you can get away with it.
All right.
We good to go?
We're good to go.
All right, we're gonna do this.
We're gonna start
the comedy show.
All right.
Nervous.
I still get nervous.
Still to this day.
80-degree night.
We're doing it.
Hello, New Orleans!
Yeah!
Please welcome the one
and only Andrew Polk,
ladies and gentlemen.
I got a Cricket phone
'cause I'm a poor person.
I got a Cricket phone.
Two things
to know about Cricket phones -
they only work on speaker,
and you can only charge them
by riding the bus.
That's it.
That's a Cricket phone.
One fun feature they don't
advertise on Cricket phone
is, if a bill collector
calls you,
caller I. D. does not come up.
It just goes, "Nuh-nuh!"
It's like, "Okay.
I will not be answering
the phone, then."
Have you guys seen the movie
"Paranormal Activity"?
It's about this demon
that terrorizes
this entire family.
You can't see the demon, though.
You can just see
what the demon does,
what he touches,
what he moves around the house.
I want to see
what the demon looks like.
I want to see his mannerisms.
So I'm gonna act
out for you guys
what the demon would look like
if you could see him
in the movie -
the film...
..."Paranormal Activity."
Okay.
This is not it.
But it could be.
Light switch!
Ceiling fan!
Yellow pages.
Huh. Look at that.
Oh.
Cabinet.
Cabinet, cabinet, cabinet,
cabinet, cabinet,
cabinet, cabinet.
Cabinet.
Garbage disposal.
All right, guys,
thank you very much.
You guys are awesome.
Sean Patton!
What else can we talk about?
I think it would be
mean for me to say
I don't like
Pizza Delicious pizza.
- I understand. I understand.
- I mean,
it's like, you could feel
ambivalent about it,
but, like, all pizza is good.
I - I don't like it
'cause it's not good.
It's always old.
And it's also part
of the gentrification process
which is moving black people
out of Bywater.
They're not killing your
brothers with pizza.
I ate the pizza, Kamari.
I didn't want to.
You just ate the pizza, man.
I ate the gentrification
pizza, though.
They heat the pizza up, man.
They'll even make it for you.
It's reheated.
That shit was made yesterday.
- You sure?
- No, but I -
All right, you're not sure.
Look how you just -
I can - I can slander, though.
That's part of my job
as a comedian is to slander.
That's how you get sued.
What they gonna take from me?
My jacket?
That's all I got.
That's my most -
That's my most worldly
possession right here.
I'm 25.
It's weird being 25.
It's a weird generation.
Like, every ti-
I think my generation sucks
'cause, like, we don't
have anything... at all.
Like, look.
Like, I'm in college.
Like, it's mostly -
mainly 'cause old people won't
die so we can get they jobs.
Old people are living so long.
And all we can do is give them
food so they can live -
Every time I go to a restaurant,
I just see one
of my friends, like,
just serving me food,
and I'm like, "Aw, damn."
I feel - You ever feel, like,
you feel guilty when you go to,
like, the fuckin' Panera Bread,
and you see the person you went
to high school with,
and they went to college
to be a psychiatrist,
and you be like, "She is not
a psychiatrist at all."
That is some good bread
she's serving.
That's some very good bread.
It's very healthful.
She's still a help
to our community,
but she is not helping
mental health as much.
It occurred to me recently,
like, how scary it is
just how quickly
I would've joined the army
in high school
had they told me
I was pretty one time.
Like, just that once,
and I would've had a very
different trajectory in life.
Compliments are a very dangerous
thing for me.
I'll do a lot for a compliment.
Like, even now,
if someone tried to, like,
abduct me...
uh, and let's just say
for the purpose of that joke
that it's a man, and, uh...
...and, like,
before he snatched me,
he was like, "Hey,
I love how I can't
see your forehead
through your bangs,"
I'd be like, "What?
Do you want me, like,
in the trunk or the back seat?"
Let's talk about my divorce.
Let's do that.
My divorce.
The reason I have this big
bad boy of a house.
I don't know.
Sometimes you just know -
you know?
- when you find somebody.
And sometimes you just guess.
And...
And I guessed.
I guessed very wrongly.
If I had
to describe the marriage,
I guess I would say it was like
an M. Night Shyamalan movie,
'cause I was,
like, really excited about it
before it started...
and then like halfway through,
I was like, "Well,
this isn't terrible."
Then at the end,
it turns out I was dead
inside the whole time.
I have what's
unfortunately called a dad bod.
It's a bad term.
I don't like what it implies,
visually.
But I don't like it
especially 'cause
it's a missed opportunity.
How, as a nation,
did we collectively decide
on "dad bod"
when we could have had
"father figure"?
Yeah! Party!
Bwaah! Nerd! Nerd!
Vulgar nerd!
Dude, parties are nothing
without conflict.
Everybody knows this.
Nerds!
If you're over the age of 50,
I'm gonna interrupt you
any fuckin' chance I get.
I believe in that strongly.
Like, if a 55-year-old
guy comes up
and asks me for directions,
I'm like, bmf!
"You had your chance, pal!
Keep it moving.
This is our world now!
You got to live in it!"
I was talking to this older guy
over Thanksgiving, dude
in the older generation.
He was feeding me a bunch
of bullshit, right?
He's like, "All Millennials -
all you Millennials,
all you're just concerned
about's your personal brand.
All you care about is protecting
your personal brand."
Like,
"What the fuck do you think
a reputation is, you old bitch?
It's the same thing as a brand."
You know why Genghis Khan
had to kill everybody
in the fuckin' village?
To get that Mongol brand
out there, guys.
Get that shit to ring large.
Machiavelli?
Pretty strong brand,
if you ask me.
Got his own damn word now.
That's strong.
When Tupac changed his name
to Makaveli,
people weren't thinking
about Tupac anymore.
They were like,
"He must have faked his death,"
because of
the Machiavelli stuff!
That's how strong the brand was!
It carried over to Tupac.
It erased Tupac
and became Machiavelli, guys.
That doesn't happen
for everybody.
That can't happen for Socrates.
Socrates don't have that kind
of brand.
What, your favorite
rapper's gonna
change his name to Socrates?
"Oh, what, he's gonna
ask more questions now?"
Please.
Please.
Keep it to yourself.
My uncle tried to convince methat he
pulled off the popcorn trick in the '70s.
If you don't know
what the popcorn trick is,
I'll enlighten you.
It's when a man takes a woman
on a date to the movie theater
and somehow,
without anyone seeing it happen,
he gets his dick
into that popcorn bucket.
No one saw it happen.
It's just in there now,
like a leopard
waiting to pounce.
And the woman,
oblivious to that all,
is just chowing down
on that free popcorn, right?
Just free popcorn.
"Let me get my f-" And then,
eventually, "Oh, what?
What is that?
Oh, my God.
Is that a dick?"
Look, ladies, you know,
a penis is a gift
in any context, right?
Doesn't matter the situation.
If there's a hard dick,
you're gonna have to jerk
that fuckin' thing off!
Even if it's during
"American Sniper."
"Take the shot!"
No one's ever done that.
No, you take a woman
into a movie theater,
you get in,
and then you say to her,
"Hey, I'll see you in there."
And then you rush
to the concession stand,
and you buy some popcorn.
You probably buy a small.
Even a small's like 8 inches.
You don't have 8 inches,
otherwise you wouldn't need
to trick women
into giving you handjobs.
And now what?
You got the -
You're not gonna just,
right there,
while people are, like,
eyeing down Sno-Caps and shit.
You have to go
into the bathroom,
I imagine, and just jam a hole -
get a nice hole
in the bottom of that bucket
and then thrust
your rock-hard cock.
Let's just go ahead
and address that right now.
You have to have an erection
to pull this off.
You can't successfully
wiggle a limp penis.
You have to have a type
of erection you would have
the morning after losing
a beer pong competition.
Like, just thrust it
into popcorn, mind you.
Sharp, salty popcorn.
Hope you buttered that up nice.
Hope you buttered
that up real nice.
And now here's where I
really start to get curious.
Now you're in.
Now get from the bathroom stall
to the movie theater
without everyone noticing
that you're balls-deep
in a goddamn snack food.
"Oh, look at those
movie posters!"
And for what?
To sit down next to your date
and hope that she likes popcorn.
"Aha! Popcorn."
"Oh, no, I don't -
I don't like popcorn."
"What do you mean?
It's popcorn.
So good."
And maybe she gets hungry,
changes her mind,
starts eating some popcorn,
and your concentration
is broken when she goes,
"Oh, my God!
Oh.
Oh, there's, like,
a dead, hairless mouse.
Oh, there's a dead,
hairless mou-"
"What the fuck?!"
She should run.
I hope she doesn't.
I hope she rips the bucket
off just to laugh -
"Look at it!"
Your Quasimodo penis.
I hope the salt
has seeped its way
into your testicles
and destroyed them
like the Death Stars they were.
And I hope
she throws the bucket,
and you watch it fly away...
kernels falling
out of the glory hole.
Looks like sparks
from the thruster
of a space shuttle.
Remember when you wanted
to be an astronaut?
The only time I think
the popcorn trick's okay to do
is to your equally
heterosexual roommate.
Have fu-
"Hey, I got some popcorn!"
"Fuckin' right!
Ohh!
What is that?!
Oh, it's your dick.
Wait, wait.
Take that off.
Take that - Are you hard?
Take that -
Oh, you're - That's so -
You're so hard.
You're so hard.
You're so -"
"You're so fuckin' hard.
When did you even
take your shorts off?
You're so hard.
That's weird.
That's a strange thing, right?"
"I know!
Women should totally get paid
as much as us."
"Ah, fuck you, dude!"
"No, I'm not gonna come!
I'm not gonna come!
Fuck you!
I'm not gonna - " " No,
I'm not gonna come first.
You're gonna come first.
I'm gonna come."
"No, you're - Ahh!
Aahh! Aaaaah!"
"That's your come noise?
Seriously?
That's the sound you make?"
"What's your fuckin' come -
Ahh!"
"I don't know.
It - Eeee!
Ahhh! I know!
It's stupid, too!
Aaah! Aaah!"
"Ahhh! Ahhh!"
"Aah, aah, aaaah."
"Ohh, ohh, ohh.
Oh. Aah!
Right?"
"I know.
Aah. Ahh. Ahh."
"Aah! I'll do it f-
aah! Aah.
Aah!"
"Aah!
That's like bleach.
Oh, my God."
"Was that gay?"
"No, man.
That was just human."
Thank you!
Good night!
- B sharp?
- Oh, yeah.
3, 4.
Yeah!
What, you gonna
stop dancing now?
I live in the Ninth Ward.
I had a lady deliver pizza
to me the other day.
She wanted me to walk her back
to her car.
She's like, "Please,
can you just walk me -
You don't have to tip me.
Just please walk me back
to my car."
I'm like, "Miss,
if I walk you back to your car,
how am I gonna walk back
to my house to eat the pizza?
Take this tip. Good luck
with your travels, lady."
When I moved down here,
it was, like,
the scariest day of my life.
My roommate, Dave,
decides to take me
to the French Quarter,
figures it'll be nice.
I ate a good meal,
end up walking
past a liquor store,
and this lady comes out holding
three alcoholic beverages,
and she asks me to hold them
while she lit her cigarette.
And before I could say,
"Yeah," she was like,
"Oh, don't worry.
I won't try to rob you."
That hadn't even
crossed my mind.
'Cause I figured
that'd be an odd way
to mug somebody.
"Hey, can you please hold these
three separate drinks for me?
All right, put them drinks down!
Empty out your pockets!
Give me everything you got!
Well, do you heard me?!"
I think that a lot
of people don't understand
my personal style.
I think I just have, like,
a weird aesthetic.
My aesthetic is, like,
if Elizabeth Taylor
was in "Gummo."
Are there enough people?
I know what I look like.
Like, I look like this.
Like, if you saw me going
into a nice restaurant,
you would be like, "Um,
what are you doing?"
But if you saw me eating
out of a Dumpster,
you wouldn't be like,
"What are you doing?"
I am ready for more show!
You are ready for more fun!
Everybody, what's in your hand
right now?
Take a sip!
Please welcome
to the graceful stage
that it is,
the wonderful Mary-Devon Dupuy,
ladies and gentlemen.
I got my vagina
into a real pickle recently.
I, uh...
I had like eight -
one classic STD
and like eight offshoots.
You know, there's always
like a domino effect.
And I had to take this medicine
called Flagyl,
which I don't know
if y'all are familiar.
It's exactly
what it sounds like.
It's what you have to take
when you have a horror cunt.
Um...
So I couldn't drink
for eight days,
and I had this,
like, horrible mess
of a reproductive system
going on.
I was like a real junkyard
dog of a lady.
And I kind of made my vagina
like a New Orleans street.
It should've been closed
for repairs a long time ago.
I was still letting people
drive down it,
but it was hurting their cars.
Um...
Can tell
some of you all have not been
driving around here, um,
or fucking me.
It was gross.
Geoff's house didn't even smell
like this before I got here.
Uh...
That has been Garbage Party!
Thank you, New Orleans!
He's doing it!
Yes!
Thanks for the bandage!
The money!
Quick walk
around the money, goddamn it.
Oh!
Your body's a piece of shit!
Let's do it!
I'm ready!
- Arm-wrestling?
- This one's for pussy!
- 1, 2, 3, go!
- He ain't ready!
He's letting me - Oh, come on.
Oh, I got you!
I got you!
I got you, old man!
Shitting blood!
I'm shitting blood tonight!
Oh!
- It's a cannon!
- Oh, no!
No!
No, it's not happening!
Ohh!
Aaaaaaaaah!
Aaaaaaaaah!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Get the fuck out of here, huh?!