Flophouse (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Hand Warmers at Comedy Compound - full transcript

Denver, Colorado,
How are we tonight?

That's right.

You're the best goddamn
comedy crowd in America.

- I'm so fucking cold.
- So fucking cold.

I'm wearing every jacket I own.

We're in my home
in Denver, Colorado.

This is my carriage house
where I live.

Nathan Lund,
one of my best friends,

he lives across the way.

We have lived here
for about three years,

got my championship title here,



Denver Comedy Champion.

I've held on to this
for the last six months.

I'm 4-0.

Some would say I could
defend the title more often,

but you know the big fights,

they take a long time
to be put together -

the title matches.

There's a lot of red tape.

The lawyers have
to get involved.

Kevin and Mara
live above Nathan.

I live, uh, up, uh -

where that fire escape is,
I'm right there.

That's my office.

Where I jerk off.
- What do you do in there?



That's his jerk office.

This is my patio.

We call it Little Havana.

I've been to Denver
a couple of times.

A lot of great people -

You got old man Jenkins
upstairs.

You've got Tommy Tutone
in the basement.

Looks fake, doesn't it?

Get that that butt.
Get that that butt.

The Denver scene is probably
one of the friendliest,

if you're also friendly, right?

Everyone's real kind.
Everyone's real stoned. Yeah.

This is just the coolest place,
I think,

in the country for comedy.

Us and San Francisco -

I think we throw it down
pretty fucking hard.

We're not trying to stab you.

There's - there's no one here.
There's no industry.

There's nothing here to make you be
like, "hey, fuck him.

I'm gonna stab him in the back
and get whatever I want."

You know, like, we're -
we're - we're family here.

Here you can be
kind of a big fish

in a medium-sized pond,

and get tons of stage time,
work really hard,

and it's also like a bigger
sense of camaraderie here.

I think people want
to see each other do well.

That's definitely
what makes this place

a little bit more special.

You get tons of stage time.

We get free weed
from our sponsors a lot.

So here we go.

We've got some great
Denver Relief brand -

Bio-Diesel - killer Denver weed.

I smoke it, and they're
paying me for it literally.

A gravity bong -

A Denver institution everyone,

just like me, Sam T.

Look at all this weed, y'all.

Don't puke!

Jesus.

Oh, man, it feels like someone

cracked an egg
right in my thorax.

These are
all of my best friends.

This is such a dream come true,
it's stupid.

It's the coolest.
I, um -

Especially back here.
Yeah.

Because usually back here,

all we do is smoke weed
and play Settlers of Catan.

I really think stand-up now is like
the fourth wave of American punk rock.

Like, it's just a bunch
of people on the road,

like honoring favors to friends,

like keeping promises,
sleeping on floors,

doing shows for gas money.

Like, man, yeah,

I just fucking love stand-up
so much, man.

It's the best.

Uh, we're gonna go fire it up
and make this money.

In five minutes,
please be seated, all right?

Get a cold one, spark it up,
pop an E tab,

whatever you got to do.

Fingerbanging is encouraged.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God.

Fuck.

I might - I might poop
someone else's pants, man.

I am fucking turnt right now.

I'm a little afraid, honestly.

I've been high before,

but this is like
the kind of high

that you go home from work from.

This'll ruin your shift
at Jimmy John's.

There is the right
amount of LSD,

where you eat a Starburst,

and you realize that
love is the answer

and compassion is the key,
and we're all one, you know.

And then there's
the wrong amount of LSD,

where you eat a Starburst,

and then you just
wander around the neighborhood

ruining quinceañeras
you were not invited to.

There's that.

And I was that guy on LSD

in Lawrence, Kansas,
recently, everybody.

And if LSD came with a handbook,
all it would say would be,

"Have fun.
Throw on some Foghat -

or if your younger 311.

Uh...

And whatever you do,
do not consume in Kansas.

That's all it would say
on there.

And I ate some in Kansas,

and I'm in the back
of this car, right?

And I'm just fuckin' cruising in
the back of this cosmic turtle

and we get pulled over by a cop.

And he comes up to our window,

even though at the time,

I considered
going up to his window.

I don't know.

I don't know
if anyone has made that move,

but it is right there.

And he says to the driver
a very simple question.

He says
"license and registration."

And the driver gives him

the complete wrong answer
to that question,

because when the cop says
"license and registration,"

uh, the driver says
"those aren't things I have."

That's what he said.

That's a direct quote.

"Those aren't things I have,

where do we go from here?"

That's what he said.

And when he said that,

like you,
I started giggling real hard.

And the cop hits me
with the flashlight

and I go full fuckin' raccoon,
just

And that's not what a cop

wants to see
in the back of a car,

is a 300-pound
nocturnal predator.

So he asked me my name, right?

He's like, "what's your name?"
And here's the thing.

I'm on drugs
in a different state.

My fuckin' I.D.
is folded up really fine

and shoved right up my urethra.

You know, I don't -

I don't - my name,

it's fake name time, piggy,
right?

But here's the thing,
I'm on a lot of drugs,

so I'm like, "my name..."

What's the name?

Diablo!

That was the first name
that came to mind,

and I rode it out.

I fuckin' saddled up
that reindeer,

and I rode it
from rooftop to rooftop.

And he is a professional cop
though, right?

So he said,
"all right, spell it smart ass."

And I said...

"D" as in...

Diablo!

"I" am Diablo!

"A" as in,
"anybody seen Diablo?"

"B" as in boysenberry!

"L" as in...

El Diablo!

And "Oh, shit, there's a gun."

Here's my hands.

That's the time I joined the Aryan
Brotherhood in Kansas everybody.

That's right.

Who's ready for a TV show?

Come on, everybody!

Denver Comedy,
blood in, blood out,

let's get this fuckin' show
started right now.

This is Vice. Welcome.

We're in Greece right now.
Welcome to "Vice News."

We're making a pipe bomb.

We didn't have any pipes,
so we're making a bong.

Crush it, Urist.
Crush it, Urist.

- Crush it, Urist.
- Crush it, Urist.

You know that went better
than I thought I was going to.

All right.

Aaron Urist, everybody!

What's happening tonight,
everybody?

How's it going?

Welcome to this
cold-ass courtyard.

Uh...

Recently I've been
hearing people

use the phrase
"white girl wasted" a lot

but like it's a fun thing to do.

Like, it's destination
for a quality evening,

- a solid weekend.
- Right?

"Let's get
white-girl wasted tonight.

Whoo! It's Friday."

And I don't want
to do that with you.

That sounds terrible.
do we have to?

Is that the best we can do?

I want to get
"Japanese businessman wasted."

I want to get

"recently divorced
Mall Santa wasted."

There's better types
of wasted to be.

I want to get
"magician who accidentally

actually disappeared a
child wasted."

"Panic drunk" -
we can do better.

White girls don't have
that much to teach us

about having a good time.

Not to offend the white girls,

I know - I know you've
had it rough recently.

It's okay, though.
you won't remember this, so....

I started comedy here
in Denver, Colorado,

12 years ago,
and I still live here.

You get to a certain level
of comedy,

and you're expected
to sort of graduate

and move on to a bigger scene.

You know,
I started to get all the things

that you want as a comic,
like the Comedy Central Spots

and my friends would have
a TV show coming out,

and we kind of -
we did it all from Denver.

So I was always just like,
"Well, why?

why do I've to move to L. A.
or New York to 'make it?'"

Stage time is incredible.
You can get up so much here.

Adam Cayton-Holland!

It's allowed me and other comics

that you'll see on this show

to just really
get to a high level.

Vice rented two porta
potties for this event.

They don't realize
that this is Colfax.

This is the street
that Playboy named

the most wicked street
in America.

This is the boulevard
of broken fucking dreams.

This is hobos and Kerouac,

and now condos
and terrible things.

I guarantee you there
is a fucking APB out

to every homeless person
on the Front Range -

from Ft. Collins to Pueblo -

"two fresh shitters,

hipster comedy show,
get to them!

Clean up, shit there,
wash yourself,

they'll be gone by morning."

Every Greyhound station is abuzz

about these two shitters.

Fuckin' buyer beware.

Just, girls, take a guy with you
to that shitter.

Don't do it alone.

I recently was in
a PetSmart commercial, guys,

'cause my career
is fuckin' skyrocketing.

So I was in
this PetSmart commercial,

and it was actually really cool.

Like, it aired
all over the place.

Well, my brother got a call
from a friend of his,

this black lady
who lived deep in the South,

who told him
that she liked my commercial.

She saw it and she liked it,

but she didn't like how white

she thought I was talking
in the commercial,

which pissed me off,

'cause I only had two lines
in the commercial.

The first line was,

"this is our
flea and tick section."

And the second line was,

"how bad is your infestation?"

How the fuck are you
supposed to black that up?

What did she want me to do,

I'm a corporate spokesperson
for a pet company.

Does she want me to be
the worst,

most-stereotypically-terrible
PetSmart employee ever?

just like, "psh, hey.

Hey, nigga,
you like parakeets, nigga?"

"Got to hook-up
on those 'keets, nigga."

Just like slanging mixed tapes
in the back by the fish.

"Hey! Hey, homey, hey!
Hey, homey, hey!

Hey, yo, come back
after we close, man.

We gon' fight all these dogs."

This is fuckin' ridiculous.

It made me so mad.

Because what kind of stupid
self-hating shit is that?

You know what I mean? Like,
'cause here's the thing, right?

When you're black however you
dress, however you talk,

whatever you like,
whatever you're into is black,

because you're black.

And when you're black,
you're always black.

And what does she think,
the police won't beat the shit out of you

because you're wearing
Ugg boots?

Get the fuck out of here.

You guys might have noticed
Sam helped me up on stage.

I have a disability.
I have cerebral palsy.

It's just a very sexual gimp.

You know, it's very sexual.

You're welcome.
it affects my life.

I have a lot of people -

mostly the biggest problem is,

I have a lot of people
say a lot of dumb things to me.

For instance,
like, Sunday morning,

I had this couple come up to me.

You could tell -
they were dressed really nice,

had their gold crosses on,

you can tell they just
came from church.

I'm like "oh, these people."

They're like, "oh, sweetie,
did you hurt your foot?

Did you hurt yourself?"

And they were trying to be
helpful, and I appreciate that,

so I was - I was kind to them.

I was like, "no, I'm fine.
Thank you so much.

I did not hurt my foot.

I was actually born this way.

God hurt my foot, so just..."

"He's quite the craftsman."

You know, like, "tell him I said

'thank you.
he's really good.'"

Oh, yeah, I've been
in a lot of relationships,

and, like, I always thought
I had a good grasp

of, like, what love is,
and, like, selfless love.

But I recently saw something
that made me rethink all that.

I was in line to get some bagels
at this bagel shop

everybody goes to get bagels
on Saturday morning

after they hooked up
on Friday night,

which totally makes sense.

Bagels are the perfect
post-hookup breakfast

because brunch,
you got to wait in line

for like two hours,

and then it, like -
it can take an hour to eat.

You're like, "holy shit.

This is like three hours

of enduring this mistake."

but a bagel, you can like
power-eat a bagel under duress,

like, "well, I'm never
doing this again."

I'm just going to swallow
this whole like a snake

and eat this away."

So I'm standing behind this couple.
It's these two dudes,

They're standing there,

and they've got their arms
around each other.

And, uh, the one dude

takes the other guy's
hoodie drawstring

and starts like playing it
over his face -

the hoodie wearer's face -

like, "ooh, how about this?"

And then he starts
feeding it to him.

He starts putting it
in the guy's mouth,

like putting the hoodie
drawstring in his mouth.

and I'm watching
all this silently,

and the only thing
I can think is,

"I have never been in love
in my life,

like, ever."

"I've never even, like,
been close to loving another person."

Holy shit -
If you tried to feed me

my own hoodie drawstring,

not only are we not
getting bagels.

We're never speaking again.

I'll just cruise silently
and walk out to my car.

Yeah.

Yeah, me and Sammy,
we've known each other

since 9th grade, man.

Happy birthday.

Yeah, we fuckin'
started a fraternity together.

Yeah. We slept together
at football camp.

A bunch of weird roughnecks
back then.

Now you're the best man
at my wedding. Yeah.

I was in a Lyft the other day.

I got in this Lyft.

There was an old
white woman driving,

and it was a minivan.

And I get in,
and this white lady,

she looks me up and down,
and she says,

"do you mind Christian music?"

And she said it so bitchy
that I couldn't take that,

so I was like,
"no, turn it up!"

'cause that's
the kind of person I am.

And then, in my head, I'm like,
"why are you arguing this?"

Is this the hill
you want to die on, David?"

"Yes, it fuckin' is."

So what I did
to get under her skin,

I started pretending
like I knew the words.

Which is surprisingly easy
with Christian music.

While I was singin'
those shitty songs,

it made me realize,

Christian music
is the major reason

I think God might not be real.

Why is it so bad?

Why is it so bad?

Like, you can convince
your only son

to die for our sins

but you couldn't hook up
a Kanye West beat?

- Where do you guys jerk off?
- Library.

Airport.
- Universal stacks.

- Nobody has ever done it there.
- Airport bathroom.

- Airport library.
- Oh, so you can do it there?

- Oh, man.

- Gborie where do you do it?

- What?
- Chair or bed?

Oh, he doesn't do it.
He finds it disgusting.

I just hold it in.

He's just so angry at that age.

That's why I'm always shaky.

Where do you jerk off?
Oh really - I don't -

I don't really keep track.
Other people's beds.

It's just -

There's too many to count.

Next time you guys jerk off,

all you're gonna be
thinking about

is how your friend is doing it.

Uh, I love to do comedy.

I love to do it.

I, uh - one of my favorite
things in the world.

For those of you
who aren't comedians,

there is a space
between the jokes

where you just so alone up here,
and laughter doesn't exist,

and you'll never see your family again.

Uh, and in that space,
people will say really dumb shit

in an attempt
to get to the next joke.

And one of my favorite ones
of those that I've ever heard

was - I was at a club.

There was a guy,
he's an older comedian.

he was telling some joke.

And he gets kind of
halfway through it.

And he's like, uh - he's like,

"Yeah, I'm getting older.

anybody else getting older?"

Yeah.

Literally everyone on the planet

is growing older right now.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

That doesn't make you sound
like a stand-up comedian

when you say that.

It makes you sound like
a vampire

trying to fit in with humans
by doing stand-up comedy.

Like, at that point,

you might as well come out
and be like,

"Is everyone else

growing old
at a normal human rate?"

"Anyone else living a life

unprolonged by dark forces,
as I am?"

"You're losing them, Mikhail."

- Nathan Lund, everybody.
- Nathan Lund.

Uh, yeah,
I don't have any money,

uh, so I live -

so I haven't
moved away from here yet.

Uh...

I'm hoping to make
a little bit of money, though,

uh, with the product
I've invented.

Hopefully you guys
will see it in stores soon.

Clear mustard
is what I've invented.

That's right - clear mustard.

And before you ask,
"why the hell I wasted my time

developing clear mustard?"

How about I ask
all of you a question?

When is the last time
you enjoyed a hot dog

while wearing
your favorite shirt?

Yeah, never. I knew it.

You've never done it before

because you're always afraid
of the possibility

of the mustard stain.

Not anymore, baby -
Clear mustard.

Both of these jackets are
covered in mustard right now.

And you had no idea.

Yeah, so it's good.

it's pretty good.

So, yeah, check it out
if you see it in stores -

Clear mustard.

I'm calling in ham sanitizer,

so check it out.

Please welcome one
of my favorite comics,

Stephen Agyei.

Yes, how is it?

Okay.

What did God say
to the elephant?

"Don't eat the cheese."

I'm kidding, they don't speak
the same language.

Okay.

What do you call a horse
with stripes?

Horses don't have stripes.

Okay.

A man with one arm and one leg

goes to the store to buy a TV.

The salesman says,

"what happened
to your arm and your leg?"

The man says,
"I lost it in the war."

The man asks,
"what war are you speaking of?"

"The machete war."

Anyway...

...the man asks,

"how much is the TV
going to cost me?"

and the salesman
looks at him and says,

"you don't want to know."

Okay.

I'm just fuckin' with y'all,
man.

Hey, my friend
Brent Gill, everyone.

Sam is representing us -
a lot of us on this show.

And how did he decide to do it
at 4:00 today?

With a 2-liter
plastic gravity bong.

I've been too high
this whole time.

Everyone's a little too high.

It's the altitude.

And I'm so happy to be in Denver

with all these beautiful people,

even though I feel like

I can never really have
a full conversation

without it going to space.

I love it.

Tonight was a dream come true.
All my friends were here.

a bunch of Denver comedy fans
were here.

Everyone was hilarious.

No one ate shit,
and I'm pretty lit.

I'm fuckin' so tired.

I'm tired.
Oh, yeah.

I left it all in the field.

Fuckin' gravity bong, man.

- That was like 12 hours ago.
- Yeah.

And I'm still -
I'm still melted.

You know what I'm talking about?