Flophouse (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Can Crushing at the Hangar - full transcript
Welcome to ATL!
Atlanta, I need y'all
to represent!
We are here at the Hangar.
It used to be
an airplane hangar.
Then we started doing
open mikes.
They've been doing this here
in Atlanta for years now.
It's the first place
I ever did stand-up.
At first,
I thought it was like a trick
or some sort of abandoned place.
But, no, people come.
A lot of comics
have lived here before.
I've crashed nights
here on couches
or in people's rooms,
on their floors.
You actually started
in the hangar, right?
I did, yeah.
Yeah, three - three years ago.
I moved in with the intention
to do some sort of shows.
- Okay.
- I just wanted to be able
to pay rent and have a -
an artist's space, I guess.
When you walk in and like,
this -
this parking lot.
So you're like,
"All right, this is, like,
a place of business."
And then you get in, you see,
like, a washer and dryer,
and, like, a family room.
- A cat.
- And a cat.
I felt like
I was at the hideout.
I felt like this is where,
like, the gang meets up
and fights crime.
So this was my old room, here.
This is where a little
squirrel poked his head
through my first night
and terrified -
I just saw a claw come through.
The house cat, Eva here,
will climb up
and chase the squirrels.
They are out tonight.
- There's always one squirrel.
Like, sometimes he'll
get in and, like,
you'll see him a little bit.
You're on stage, and then
you see the audience looking up.
Yeah, they're not paying
attention anymore.
They're just like,
"What's that?"
Oh, there's an animal,
a wild animal above me right now. Yeah.
The thing is in the spring
and even in the summer,
it's wonderful here.
And into the winter,
things start to get really ugly
because this place has no heat.
And so it's usually
about 10 degrees warmer
inside than it is outside.
And so I remember going
in the back hall,
and I saw the thermostat
set 20 degrees -
inside the place you live.
It's like the only place
there was heat is
in the tiny 8x10 loft bedrooms.
And so, you know,
you're holed up in this bedroom
getting cabin fever all winter.
I peed in Gatorade bottles
for a long time
because I didn't want
to go downstairs
to use the shower.
This is a great place,
but I wouldn't suggest
living here.
Fucking badass.
You are.
Both of y'all.
- You're doing tattoos?
- Yeah.
- No, Clint was next.
- You ever had one of those?
Oh, just a little
pre-show smoke session.
You have to tell us
if you're a cop.
Yeah!
I'm not a cop.
You guys
got to clear out through here.
- Oh. Um...
- You got to clear out.
- Fucking nailed it.
- I got him!
- Yeah, sick burn, Stone!
- Fuck yeah, dude.
Turns into a bully.
Make all the noise
you can in your hearts,
in your hands, in your souls
for Mr. Dave Stone!
My mom is a goofy
old Southern belle.
We talked about the uh,
rebel-flag thing
that happened
a few months ago here.
I won't tell you what side
my mom's on.
Let's just say she's got three
Confederate flag throw pillows
on her couch
that she's very proud of.
"These are hard to find."
Yeah, I would imagine they are.
It's not a racist thing,
it's a regional thing.
Uh, she's fine with minorities,
she hates Yankees.
She hates people from the North.
A Yankee, by the way,
is anybody north of Chattanooga.
That's a Yankee.
This is a quote
from Nancy Stone,
"I don't know why
they got to rub it in our faces
with their Honda Accords."
That's what she said.
I don't know what the hell
that means.
I'm so excited
to be in the metro Atlanta area
because I just spent
seven days in Alabama.
And, uh...
I ended up writing a screenplay
about my experiences
called "One Week a Slave."
So, um...
The real reason
I did not enjoy being there
is because I got
pulled over twice in three days.
Okay.
And I want to let you know
racial profiling is real.
The first time
I got pulled over,
I hit somebody.
Fair enough.
You know what I mean,
like, I get it.
Like, people were bleeding,
it makes sense.
But second time, bullshit.
Okay?
I drive a Camry,
but the cop was like,
"Is this your car?
What year is this car?"
And I'm like, "Who the hell
would lie about owning a Camry?"
Like, anybody can have one
if you try hard enough,
you know?
I had a shirt
with Frederick Douglass on it.
- Yeah.
- And he's just angry as fuck.
And I asked someone,
I was like, "Is this shirt
too angry for white people?"
They're like, "Yes.
Don't wear that shirt."
That's what I'm saying,
I don't care.
- Now, a Bono shirt?
- I don't give a shit.
- Bono.
- Yeah.
Some of you in the front row can
probably see, see,
I got these, like,
scars right here.
I was in a car accident,
like, six years ago.
My sister was driving.
She took a left turn
and we got sideswiped.
And I woke up in the hospital.
And I heard the funniest joke
that I've ever heard
in my entire life.
My dad took one look
at me, he goes,
"Jordan, you're living proof
of one thing.
Black does crack."
You got me good, Daddy.
You roasted me good.
Yeah.
I remember when I was a kid,
I used to feel self-conscious
and shit, you know, like,
talking to girls and stuff.
But then my mother
gave me some really good advice.
She looked at me and she goes,
"Uh, Jordan, woman won't care
what your face looks like
if they're sitting
on it, sweetheart."
And I said, "What?"
And she was like -
she was like, "Yeah."
And I was like, "Excuse me."
Whoo.
"Thank you, Mommy,
that's good advice."
You all might not have caught
this, but my name is Lace.
Yeah.
And a lot of people
are like, "That's a cool name.
How did you get such
a unique name like that?"
And, uh, and I'm like,
"Well, it's just
what happens when your parents
are 17 when they have you."
Yeah, you, too,
could share a name
with an original
American Gladiator...
...if your mom was unsupervised
after cheerleading practice.
That's what happens.
I'm just -
I should just be thankful
it's not like Ice or Laser.
Lace is probably the best
choice, right?
I think if I have fun,
then it's a good set.
But if I'm not having fun, then
I feel like I'm wasting
everybody's time.
I don't want to do that.
I constantly have this,
like, extreme joy
at realizing that I -
I get to work
with my favorite comics.
You guys are supportive.
- Like, literally.
- Like, literally,
you're supporting the way
I'm standing right now.
I'm very drunk.
I would have fallen over.
Ha, another moment
of supporting
a man-child upon...
- Yeah.
- ...upon our shoulders.
Oh, is that me?
That's a lot of what we do here.
Is it?
The whole idea
of sex kind of weirds me out,
'cause it's just like sold
to us in the media
from such a young age.
And they're like, "It's awesome!
You're totally gonna love it."
And that's not all the way true.
Uh...
I remember in middle school,
my friend had written on -
on like her planner
all these fun, like, you know,
like, band lyrics
and funny quotes.
And one of them said, uh...
"Uh, pizza is like sex,
'cause even when it's bad,
it's still pretty good."
What the fuck, Kelly?!
That's not true.
Come on!
I've had bad sex.
I'll say this.
I've had mostly only bad sex.
If we're -
if we're gonna draw some kind
of asinine parallel
between pizza and sex,
here's one.
Uh, I'm gonna make
myself throw up after both.
It's the one
and only black Bob Ross artist
in the building.
Now, I'm known as doing this old
freaknik dance called ye.
It ain't nothing
but some bopping
and some cranking
old-school style
back when you could still
be cool and dance.
You can do the whole -
- Fancy hearing that.
You see?
The discrepancy in dancing back
in freaknik days was
you could do somebody better,
but they still keep challenging.
- Keep doing it.
So that's when you have
to take it to the next level.
Hey!
G!
Rob Haze!
I watch a lot of movies.
I'm tired of these movies
coming out,
talking about you only
use 10% of your brain.
What would you do
if you could use
the other 90% of your brain?
You might be able to move stuff
with your mind.
You might just know Chinese.
But that's stupid.
That's offensive to anybody
that's ever learned Chinese.
To be like you got Chinese
in your brain,
you just don't know the code.
Like, you already use 100%
of your brain.
Your brain's like,
"I'm gonna take 90%
and keep us alive.
And you take your little 10%,
think about Giga Pets...
or whatever you want
to think about."
Like, if you had to use 100%
of your brain,
you'd have to run an entire
functioning human body.
Like,
this is what it would sound
like in your head all day.
It would just be like,
"Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Pump your heart.
Pump your heart.
Pump your heart.
Blink, blink.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Pump your heart.
Pump your heart.
Call your mother.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Pump your heart.
Pump your heart.
Phone bill's not working,
pay your phone bill.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Pump your heart.
Pump your heart.
Uh, does anyone here know
how to work a pancreas?
Does anyone
know how to work a pancreas?
You just gave yourself diabetes.
Don't panic.
Breathe in, breathe out."
How would you put yourself
to sleep?
You got to run your entire body.
Some of y'all could shut down.
Not everybody.
"Breathe in, breathe out.
Pump your heart.
Pump your heart.
Think of a dream.
Anybody can pop in the dream.
What's up, Fred?
Breathe in, breathe out."
Like, that's way too much.
So your body's like,
"I got this."
I'm excited
we're doing this in Atlanta,
the strip-club capital
of the world.
Right?
Yes?
I grew up in Atlanta
with this complexion,
which was fun.
People notice.
"Hey, you're brown!"
I do have a bunch of roommates.
I have four roommates,
and when you have
that many roommates,
there's always that one roommate
that nobody likes.
There's always that one asshole
roommate.
And I like all my roommates,
so I'm pretty sure I'm that guy.
Pretty sure.
It's just me.
My favorite roommate -
I do have a favorite -
I have a gay roommate
who's killing it with the dick,
just murdering dick right now.
Just every day - pow!
Dick's dead.
Every day, every - every day,
he brings home a different dude,
and I asked him.
I said, "Hey, man,
how many guys is that?
Is that, like, 70, 80 guys?"
And he goes, "No, man.
It's in the triple digits."
Yeah, which is crazy to me,
'cause the amount of girls
that I've even kissed
is barely in the digits.
Like, it's eight...
and I'm lying right now.
I do help my gay roommate
out sometimes.
I wing-man him, wing-woman him,
get him the dick-boy -
I don't know what to call it.
Um, like, I'll help him out,
I'll go to the gay clubs
with him.
I found out this is a thing
at gay clubs.
This works.
Unemployed Mowgli
works at gay clubs.
But I was at this gay club
with my roommate.
I was sitting at the bar.
And from across the bar,
this guy
makes eye contact with me,
like, way too much eye
contact with me.
And I start to turn away.
As I'm turning away, he goes,
"Hey, yo, Aladdin!
Why don't you take
a magic-carpet ride
on this dick?!"
To which I replied, "Hey, man,
what does that -
what does that even mean?"
To which, he replied,
"You about to find out!"
So I have a boyfriend now.
Atlanta's sort of great.
You can do a show,
like, in the city,
then immediately go out
into the suburbs.
You can go to a redneck bar.
You come back in,
do, like, a black club,
immediately go do, like,
some, like, hipster bar.
Like, you get in front
of a million different kinds
of audiences
and different people
and you learn how to make all
sorts of different people laugh.
Neel was right, man.
Atlanta is
the strip-club capital -
ain't nothing wrong with that.
It's a way of life here.
It's the culture.
This is the only town
where women don't look -
get looked down
upon for being a stripper.
They run this town.
I went to high school here.
I remember when the strippers
used to come to career day.
Brochures and all.
I walk around Atlanta sometimes,
I think people forget
Dr. King was from here.
'Cause you go to his old
neighborhood,
you be like, "No, there ain't
no way he from... Edgewood?
Damn!
Auburn Ave?
Crackheads
walking all around this.
Ain't no way he from here."
He's from here, though.
Yeah, ain't too much
changed from now and then.
You know, it's just
we don't have a lot
of Dr. King looking,
you know...
We got a lot of rappers
in this city now.
Back then, Dr. King and them
was the rappers.
And I'll bet when they went
to the club,
it was the same way,
just for a different cause.
They walk up in the club,
deejay be like...
"Oh, shit, we got my nigger,
Dr. King, Ralph David Abernathy,
Joseph E. Lowry
just walked in this bitch!"
Dr. King grabbed the mike.
"Y'all look out for my speech
about to drop August 25th.
About to be some changes 'round
here, some equal opportunity.
Come on, Jesse,
we in the V. I. P."
I don't know what tattoo
I'm gonna get tonight
at the show
that they're filming right now.
I was - I kind of want to get -
just get a hot dog.
Just a little hot dog.
I'll get the -
the pot, the dancing popcorn
from the "Let's All Go
to the Lobby" thing.
Is that stupid?
Tonight, I've decided
to get a tattoo
that says "Bob Newhart"
to commemorate just one of
the greatest American comedians
currently living,
but almost dead.
Also one of the few
who have not
done anything shitty.
And I just want his name
on my body...
to bother my dad.
That's great.
You did really good.
Shit, I feel like
that sucks so bad.
Check it out.
I really love Mary Tyler Moore.
Oh, damn!
That's my next one.
I want to be great.
But when I think about it,
I want to be great
so my greatness
outweighs my inappropriateness.
If I say something messed up,
they'd be like,
"Hey, he's funny, let him go.
Don't - let him - let him go!"
You know?
Most great people
throughout history
have flaws like we all do.
But they provided a service
so well that their flaws
went unnoticed.
Like, Beethoven.
Beethoven was an alcoholic.
But he played the piano
so well, nobody noticed.
They thought he was sweating
from playing hard.
No, he was drunk.
That's greatness.
Dr. King, great man.
You know, had women on the side.
Used to bang chicks
and take naps.
And during one of those naps,
he had a dream.
And it changed the world.
Greatness!
Kind of Pop, Michael Jackson,
accused of touching
little boys - which is sad.
But, honestly,
I don't give a shit
about that little kid
when "Billie Jean" comes on.
Nobody do!
Soon as Michael Jackson come on,
we like,
"Hey, that's Michael Jackson!
Come on!"
That little kid
could be standing right beside,
and I'm like, "Hey,
move the hell out of the way.
You in my kick space."
"But he touched me!"
"Yes, he touched us all."
Like, I'm - I'm edgy.
But you got some people
that try to be edgy,
but it's not coming
from nowhere sincere.
- It's someone else's opinion.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I slept with babysitter
when I was 10,
so I know both sides.
You know, I know the extremes
of it.
I look at it like, she said -
what did you say?
Repeat that.
You only talk
about what you know.
Yeah.
It's a - it's something that -
to that, talk
about what you know.
And I use a lot
of my imagination,
so it all starts
from a truthful place,
and then I just veer off
to La-la Land.
I live less than an eighth
of a mile
from a 24/7 McDonald's.
Not a 24/7 drive-thru
McDonald's,
a 24/7 you can go
inside McDonald's,
which...
don't do that at 4:00 A. M.
That's a weird fucking group
of people
that's at that McDonald's
at that time.
Don't do that.
But I could get
all fucking ripped on booze,
and then I go in,
and I get the Paul meal.
Don't order it that way,
they won't know
what the hell
you're talking about
if you ask for the Paul meal.
But if you want to know,
the Paul meal is this.
The Paul meal
is a 20-piece nugget,
large fry,
large drink,
two soft-batch chocolate
chip cookies,
and five sweet and sour sauces,
which you pay extra for.
That's the Paul meal.
I got the Paul meal
the other day, got home,
opened up the 20-piece,
and guess what, guys?
All fucking boots,
that's all I got.
All right,
so a couple people get it.
And the rest of you guys
are acting like you never eat
fucking chicken nuggets!
'Cause everyone
in this Goddamn room
knows there's three shapes
in a chicken-nugget box.
You have the diamond, the boot,
and the other one,
that's what you get.
That's what comes
in a chicken-nugget box.
Diamond, a boot,
and the other one.
And I've got a system
all worked out to get me
through all these five sauces
I paid extra money for.
And the normal system is this.
I go in first with the diamond.
Diamond's for dipping,
that's what that's for.
It's called alliteration.
You'll remember it that way.
But what the diamond
does is it breaks the seal
on that sweet and sour sauce,
gets a nice bouquet going.
Like a nice east
meets west umami type sensation.
Gets you excited about the rest
of the meal.
You go in secondly
with the other one,
'cause that's
just for general dipping.
That's all
it's ever gonna be for.
But you go in thirdly
with the boot
because the boot has a toe.
And that's designed
to scoop all that extra sauce
out of the corners
of those sauce packets.
And all I had was 20 boots,
so I was scooping way
too much sauce off the rip
and I blew
my Goddamn palate out.
I didn't enjoy those cookies
whatsoever.
I just tasted fucking sweet
and sour the whole meal.
I - I drive for Uber.
Thank you.
Thank you!
Thank -
that's the appropriate response.
A lot of crazy people
get in my Uber.
Like a - a kid got in my Uber,
and I know that 'cause
he said that right away.
He goes, "Yeah, I'm 18."
I'm like,
"All right, that's not part
of what we do here, okay?"
Thinking
of the wrong service here.
Next car down, buddy.
And he goes,
"Yeah, I got a kid."
I'm like,
"I'm not asking questions
right now,
and you're just answering me."
And he goes, "I bet
you're judging me, aren't you?"
I'm like,
"Dude, I'm not talking to you!
But you know what?
Hold on. Hold on.
While we're here,
a lot of people
have kids at a young age.
And they turn out just fine.
Benefit of the doubt, man.
I'm not judging you."
Then he goes, "Oh, thanks, man.
Usually when I get a cab,
one of the Indians picks me up."
I'm like, "Oh, there it is!"
Now I'm judging you.
That's what
we were looking for."
I was on a plane recently,
and it was going fine.
It was a flight
from Denver to Atlanta.
And it was a long flight.
And then towards the end
of the flight,
we hit, like,
really bad turbulence.
Like, scary,
the whole plane was shaking,
and it was, like, dark out.
The plane
started dropping mid-air.
You know how the plane drops?
It's like, "Fuck!
We're in the sky!
This is not normal."
People were freaking out.
People started crying.
People started crying.
People started praying
because we all thought
we were about to die.
And I'm -
I'm a practicing Muslim.
So I started praying aloud
in Arabic,
which did not help
the panic, uh, at all.
I'd go so far
as to say it exacerbated things.
Uh, people
were already freaking out.
Now they're looking at me like,
"I thought he was Mexican!
Why, fuck, no!
Goddamn it! Shit!"
It got to the point
where a lady behind me
on the plane goes,
"Well, we're already
going down."
Like she was giving me a pass
to hijack the plane.
Like she was going, "Well,
we're already gonna crash.
Might as well let the Muslim
get his virgins in or whatever."
I can appreciate a good deal
when I see one.
Like -
like I'm the most opportunistic
terrorist there's ever been.
Like I felt the turbulence
and I was like,
"Whoa, thanks for warming me up,
Allah, I can take it from here."
- Your pieces didn't suck!
- Craig, don't be a hero.
Hey, check out his forehead
right here.
Check it out.
Like, get a close-up of that.
Is my face bleeding?
We're just talking
about the finer techniques
of smashing an aluminum can
on your forehead.
- It's not bleeding.
- Any hack can do it sideways.
That's no challenge.
You want to go lengthwise.
We're gonna each do it,
see whose can is smaller.
- Teacher versus student.
- And by the way,
it needs to be one movement.
You can't smash it
and then crush it.
All right.
Fuck you.
You do a little bit
of that shit while we go.
All right.
Okay, that's a pretty good one.
Boom, done.
- Fuck!
- All right, Craig.
- You want a nice -
you want a nice collapse, too.
- Pop it.
- Oh!
That was good!
No, that was good!
We're partying
pretty hard tonight.
- Yeah.
- Got a Bob Newhart tattoo
and made some new friends.
I saw Dave Stone
crush a beer can
with his head - 12 times.
Like, a lot of times.
He shouldn't sleep tonight.
No shittin'.
I don't know
about them Mang-O-Rita cans.
I think that's a different -
- You got this, Dave.
No, that's - that's -
- I'll - I'll do it.
- That's - that's dangerous.
I might come out of retirement
for this can.
- Do it!
- Don't.
You've got six concussions
already.
I've had six concussions.
If you want to smash a can,
we'll get you a High Life can.
I want to do it, but, like,
I've just had
too many concussions.
This is - I feel like,
I mean, I'll try.
Want me to try?
- Do it!
- All right.
This is tiny.
I mean, I know you can do it.
Oh!
These are my parents.
They're at "Flophouse."
They came through.
Um, how long did it take for you
to not be disappointed in me?
How long was that?
Oh, my God.
- I'll smash -
- I want to smash it!
Let me smash it.
- Please stop!
Oh, man.
I should just
punch him in the stomach.
Ugh!
Thataboy!
Oh!
Oh!
Hashtag vas!
Hashtag world news.
Atlanta!
You want your glasses back?
I feel great.
I could do this all night.
Atlanta, I need y'all
to represent!
We are here at the Hangar.
It used to be
an airplane hangar.
Then we started doing
open mikes.
They've been doing this here
in Atlanta for years now.
It's the first place
I ever did stand-up.
At first,
I thought it was like a trick
or some sort of abandoned place.
But, no, people come.
A lot of comics
have lived here before.
I've crashed nights
here on couches
or in people's rooms,
on their floors.
You actually started
in the hangar, right?
I did, yeah.
Yeah, three - three years ago.
I moved in with the intention
to do some sort of shows.
- Okay.
- I just wanted to be able
to pay rent and have a -
an artist's space, I guess.
When you walk in and like,
this -
this parking lot.
So you're like,
"All right, this is, like,
a place of business."
And then you get in, you see,
like, a washer and dryer,
and, like, a family room.
- A cat.
- And a cat.
I felt like
I was at the hideout.
I felt like this is where,
like, the gang meets up
and fights crime.
So this was my old room, here.
This is where a little
squirrel poked his head
through my first night
and terrified -
I just saw a claw come through.
The house cat, Eva here,
will climb up
and chase the squirrels.
They are out tonight.
- There's always one squirrel.
Like, sometimes he'll
get in and, like,
you'll see him a little bit.
You're on stage, and then
you see the audience looking up.
Yeah, they're not paying
attention anymore.
They're just like,
"What's that?"
Oh, there's an animal,
a wild animal above me right now. Yeah.
The thing is in the spring
and even in the summer,
it's wonderful here.
And into the winter,
things start to get really ugly
because this place has no heat.
And so it's usually
about 10 degrees warmer
inside than it is outside.
And so I remember going
in the back hall,
and I saw the thermostat
set 20 degrees -
inside the place you live.
It's like the only place
there was heat is
in the tiny 8x10 loft bedrooms.
And so, you know,
you're holed up in this bedroom
getting cabin fever all winter.
I peed in Gatorade bottles
for a long time
because I didn't want
to go downstairs
to use the shower.
This is a great place,
but I wouldn't suggest
living here.
Fucking badass.
You are.
Both of y'all.
- You're doing tattoos?
- Yeah.
- No, Clint was next.
- You ever had one of those?
Oh, just a little
pre-show smoke session.
You have to tell us
if you're a cop.
Yeah!
I'm not a cop.
You guys
got to clear out through here.
- Oh. Um...
- You got to clear out.
- Fucking nailed it.
- I got him!
- Yeah, sick burn, Stone!
- Fuck yeah, dude.
Turns into a bully.
Make all the noise
you can in your hearts,
in your hands, in your souls
for Mr. Dave Stone!
My mom is a goofy
old Southern belle.
We talked about the uh,
rebel-flag thing
that happened
a few months ago here.
I won't tell you what side
my mom's on.
Let's just say she's got three
Confederate flag throw pillows
on her couch
that she's very proud of.
"These are hard to find."
Yeah, I would imagine they are.
It's not a racist thing,
it's a regional thing.
Uh, she's fine with minorities,
she hates Yankees.
She hates people from the North.
A Yankee, by the way,
is anybody north of Chattanooga.
That's a Yankee.
This is a quote
from Nancy Stone,
"I don't know why
they got to rub it in our faces
with their Honda Accords."
That's what she said.
I don't know what the hell
that means.
I'm so excited
to be in the metro Atlanta area
because I just spent
seven days in Alabama.
And, uh...
I ended up writing a screenplay
about my experiences
called "One Week a Slave."
So, um...
The real reason
I did not enjoy being there
is because I got
pulled over twice in three days.
Okay.
And I want to let you know
racial profiling is real.
The first time
I got pulled over,
I hit somebody.
Fair enough.
You know what I mean,
like, I get it.
Like, people were bleeding,
it makes sense.
But second time, bullshit.
Okay?
I drive a Camry,
but the cop was like,
"Is this your car?
What year is this car?"
And I'm like, "Who the hell
would lie about owning a Camry?"
Like, anybody can have one
if you try hard enough,
you know?
I had a shirt
with Frederick Douglass on it.
- Yeah.
- And he's just angry as fuck.
And I asked someone,
I was like, "Is this shirt
too angry for white people?"
They're like, "Yes.
Don't wear that shirt."
That's what I'm saying,
I don't care.
- Now, a Bono shirt?
- I don't give a shit.
- Bono.
- Yeah.
Some of you in the front row can
probably see, see,
I got these, like,
scars right here.
I was in a car accident,
like, six years ago.
My sister was driving.
She took a left turn
and we got sideswiped.
And I woke up in the hospital.
And I heard the funniest joke
that I've ever heard
in my entire life.
My dad took one look
at me, he goes,
"Jordan, you're living proof
of one thing.
Black does crack."
You got me good, Daddy.
You roasted me good.
Yeah.
I remember when I was a kid,
I used to feel self-conscious
and shit, you know, like,
talking to girls and stuff.
But then my mother
gave me some really good advice.
She looked at me and she goes,
"Uh, Jordan, woman won't care
what your face looks like
if they're sitting
on it, sweetheart."
And I said, "What?"
And she was like -
she was like, "Yeah."
And I was like, "Excuse me."
Whoo.
"Thank you, Mommy,
that's good advice."
You all might not have caught
this, but my name is Lace.
Yeah.
And a lot of people
are like, "That's a cool name.
How did you get such
a unique name like that?"
And, uh, and I'm like,
"Well, it's just
what happens when your parents
are 17 when they have you."
Yeah, you, too,
could share a name
with an original
American Gladiator...
...if your mom was unsupervised
after cheerleading practice.
That's what happens.
I'm just -
I should just be thankful
it's not like Ice or Laser.
Lace is probably the best
choice, right?
I think if I have fun,
then it's a good set.
But if I'm not having fun, then
I feel like I'm wasting
everybody's time.
I don't want to do that.
I constantly have this,
like, extreme joy
at realizing that I -
I get to work
with my favorite comics.
You guys are supportive.
- Like, literally.
- Like, literally,
you're supporting the way
I'm standing right now.
I'm very drunk.
I would have fallen over.
Ha, another moment
of supporting
a man-child upon...
- Yeah.
- ...upon our shoulders.
Oh, is that me?
That's a lot of what we do here.
Is it?
The whole idea
of sex kind of weirds me out,
'cause it's just like sold
to us in the media
from such a young age.
And they're like, "It's awesome!
You're totally gonna love it."
And that's not all the way true.
Uh...
I remember in middle school,
my friend had written on -
on like her planner
all these fun, like, you know,
like, band lyrics
and funny quotes.
And one of them said, uh...
"Uh, pizza is like sex,
'cause even when it's bad,
it's still pretty good."
What the fuck, Kelly?!
That's not true.
Come on!
I've had bad sex.
I'll say this.
I've had mostly only bad sex.
If we're -
if we're gonna draw some kind
of asinine parallel
between pizza and sex,
here's one.
Uh, I'm gonna make
myself throw up after both.
It's the one
and only black Bob Ross artist
in the building.
Now, I'm known as doing this old
freaknik dance called ye.
It ain't nothing
but some bopping
and some cranking
old-school style
back when you could still
be cool and dance.
You can do the whole -
- Fancy hearing that.
You see?
The discrepancy in dancing back
in freaknik days was
you could do somebody better,
but they still keep challenging.
- Keep doing it.
So that's when you have
to take it to the next level.
Hey!
G!
Rob Haze!
I watch a lot of movies.
I'm tired of these movies
coming out,
talking about you only
use 10% of your brain.
What would you do
if you could use
the other 90% of your brain?
You might be able to move stuff
with your mind.
You might just know Chinese.
But that's stupid.
That's offensive to anybody
that's ever learned Chinese.
To be like you got Chinese
in your brain,
you just don't know the code.
Like, you already use 100%
of your brain.
Your brain's like,
"I'm gonna take 90%
and keep us alive.
And you take your little 10%,
think about Giga Pets...
or whatever you want
to think about."
Like, if you had to use 100%
of your brain,
you'd have to run an entire
functioning human body.
Like,
this is what it would sound
like in your head all day.
It would just be like,
"Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Pump your heart.
Pump your heart.
Pump your heart.
Blink, blink.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Pump your heart.
Pump your heart.
Call your mother.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Pump your heart.
Pump your heart.
Phone bill's not working,
pay your phone bill.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Pump your heart.
Pump your heart.
Uh, does anyone here know
how to work a pancreas?
Does anyone
know how to work a pancreas?
You just gave yourself diabetes.
Don't panic.
Breathe in, breathe out."
How would you put yourself
to sleep?
You got to run your entire body.
Some of y'all could shut down.
Not everybody.
"Breathe in, breathe out.
Pump your heart.
Pump your heart.
Think of a dream.
Anybody can pop in the dream.
What's up, Fred?
Breathe in, breathe out."
Like, that's way too much.
So your body's like,
"I got this."
I'm excited
we're doing this in Atlanta,
the strip-club capital
of the world.
Right?
Yes?
I grew up in Atlanta
with this complexion,
which was fun.
People notice.
"Hey, you're brown!"
I do have a bunch of roommates.
I have four roommates,
and when you have
that many roommates,
there's always that one roommate
that nobody likes.
There's always that one asshole
roommate.
And I like all my roommates,
so I'm pretty sure I'm that guy.
Pretty sure.
It's just me.
My favorite roommate -
I do have a favorite -
I have a gay roommate
who's killing it with the dick,
just murdering dick right now.
Just every day - pow!
Dick's dead.
Every day, every - every day,
he brings home a different dude,
and I asked him.
I said, "Hey, man,
how many guys is that?
Is that, like, 70, 80 guys?"
And he goes, "No, man.
It's in the triple digits."
Yeah, which is crazy to me,
'cause the amount of girls
that I've even kissed
is barely in the digits.
Like, it's eight...
and I'm lying right now.
I do help my gay roommate
out sometimes.
I wing-man him, wing-woman him,
get him the dick-boy -
I don't know what to call it.
Um, like, I'll help him out,
I'll go to the gay clubs
with him.
I found out this is a thing
at gay clubs.
This works.
Unemployed Mowgli
works at gay clubs.
But I was at this gay club
with my roommate.
I was sitting at the bar.
And from across the bar,
this guy
makes eye contact with me,
like, way too much eye
contact with me.
And I start to turn away.
As I'm turning away, he goes,
"Hey, yo, Aladdin!
Why don't you take
a magic-carpet ride
on this dick?!"
To which I replied, "Hey, man,
what does that -
what does that even mean?"
To which, he replied,
"You about to find out!"
So I have a boyfriend now.
Atlanta's sort of great.
You can do a show,
like, in the city,
then immediately go out
into the suburbs.
You can go to a redneck bar.
You come back in,
do, like, a black club,
immediately go do, like,
some, like, hipster bar.
Like, you get in front
of a million different kinds
of audiences
and different people
and you learn how to make all
sorts of different people laugh.
Neel was right, man.
Atlanta is
the strip-club capital -
ain't nothing wrong with that.
It's a way of life here.
It's the culture.
This is the only town
where women don't look -
get looked down
upon for being a stripper.
They run this town.
I went to high school here.
I remember when the strippers
used to come to career day.
Brochures and all.
I walk around Atlanta sometimes,
I think people forget
Dr. King was from here.
'Cause you go to his old
neighborhood,
you be like, "No, there ain't
no way he from... Edgewood?
Damn!
Auburn Ave?
Crackheads
walking all around this.
Ain't no way he from here."
He's from here, though.
Yeah, ain't too much
changed from now and then.
You know, it's just
we don't have a lot
of Dr. King looking,
you know...
We got a lot of rappers
in this city now.
Back then, Dr. King and them
was the rappers.
And I'll bet when they went
to the club,
it was the same way,
just for a different cause.
They walk up in the club,
deejay be like...
"Oh, shit, we got my nigger,
Dr. King, Ralph David Abernathy,
Joseph E. Lowry
just walked in this bitch!"
Dr. King grabbed the mike.
"Y'all look out for my speech
about to drop August 25th.
About to be some changes 'round
here, some equal opportunity.
Come on, Jesse,
we in the V. I. P."
I don't know what tattoo
I'm gonna get tonight
at the show
that they're filming right now.
I was - I kind of want to get -
just get a hot dog.
Just a little hot dog.
I'll get the -
the pot, the dancing popcorn
from the "Let's All Go
to the Lobby" thing.
Is that stupid?
Tonight, I've decided
to get a tattoo
that says "Bob Newhart"
to commemorate just one of
the greatest American comedians
currently living,
but almost dead.
Also one of the few
who have not
done anything shitty.
And I just want his name
on my body...
to bother my dad.
That's great.
You did really good.
Shit, I feel like
that sucks so bad.
Check it out.
I really love Mary Tyler Moore.
Oh, damn!
That's my next one.
I want to be great.
But when I think about it,
I want to be great
so my greatness
outweighs my inappropriateness.
If I say something messed up,
they'd be like,
"Hey, he's funny, let him go.
Don't - let him - let him go!"
You know?
Most great people
throughout history
have flaws like we all do.
But they provided a service
so well that their flaws
went unnoticed.
Like, Beethoven.
Beethoven was an alcoholic.
But he played the piano
so well, nobody noticed.
They thought he was sweating
from playing hard.
No, he was drunk.
That's greatness.
Dr. King, great man.
You know, had women on the side.
Used to bang chicks
and take naps.
And during one of those naps,
he had a dream.
And it changed the world.
Greatness!
Kind of Pop, Michael Jackson,
accused of touching
little boys - which is sad.
But, honestly,
I don't give a shit
about that little kid
when "Billie Jean" comes on.
Nobody do!
Soon as Michael Jackson come on,
we like,
"Hey, that's Michael Jackson!
Come on!"
That little kid
could be standing right beside,
and I'm like, "Hey,
move the hell out of the way.
You in my kick space."
"But he touched me!"
"Yes, he touched us all."
Like, I'm - I'm edgy.
But you got some people
that try to be edgy,
but it's not coming
from nowhere sincere.
- It's someone else's opinion.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I slept with babysitter
when I was 10,
so I know both sides.
You know, I know the extremes
of it.
I look at it like, she said -
what did you say?
Repeat that.
You only talk
about what you know.
Yeah.
It's a - it's something that -
to that, talk
about what you know.
And I use a lot
of my imagination,
so it all starts
from a truthful place,
and then I just veer off
to La-la Land.
I live less than an eighth
of a mile
from a 24/7 McDonald's.
Not a 24/7 drive-thru
McDonald's,
a 24/7 you can go
inside McDonald's,
which...
don't do that at 4:00 A. M.
That's a weird fucking group
of people
that's at that McDonald's
at that time.
Don't do that.
But I could get
all fucking ripped on booze,
and then I go in,
and I get the Paul meal.
Don't order it that way,
they won't know
what the hell
you're talking about
if you ask for the Paul meal.
But if you want to know,
the Paul meal is this.
The Paul meal
is a 20-piece nugget,
large fry,
large drink,
two soft-batch chocolate
chip cookies,
and five sweet and sour sauces,
which you pay extra for.
That's the Paul meal.
I got the Paul meal
the other day, got home,
opened up the 20-piece,
and guess what, guys?
All fucking boots,
that's all I got.
All right,
so a couple people get it.
And the rest of you guys
are acting like you never eat
fucking chicken nuggets!
'Cause everyone
in this Goddamn room
knows there's three shapes
in a chicken-nugget box.
You have the diamond, the boot,
and the other one,
that's what you get.
That's what comes
in a chicken-nugget box.
Diamond, a boot,
and the other one.
And I've got a system
all worked out to get me
through all these five sauces
I paid extra money for.
And the normal system is this.
I go in first with the diamond.
Diamond's for dipping,
that's what that's for.
It's called alliteration.
You'll remember it that way.
But what the diamond
does is it breaks the seal
on that sweet and sour sauce,
gets a nice bouquet going.
Like a nice east
meets west umami type sensation.
Gets you excited about the rest
of the meal.
You go in secondly
with the other one,
'cause that's
just for general dipping.
That's all
it's ever gonna be for.
But you go in thirdly
with the boot
because the boot has a toe.
And that's designed
to scoop all that extra sauce
out of the corners
of those sauce packets.
And all I had was 20 boots,
so I was scooping way
too much sauce off the rip
and I blew
my Goddamn palate out.
I didn't enjoy those cookies
whatsoever.
I just tasted fucking sweet
and sour the whole meal.
I - I drive for Uber.
Thank you.
Thank you!
Thank -
that's the appropriate response.
A lot of crazy people
get in my Uber.
Like a - a kid got in my Uber,
and I know that 'cause
he said that right away.
He goes, "Yeah, I'm 18."
I'm like,
"All right, that's not part
of what we do here, okay?"
Thinking
of the wrong service here.
Next car down, buddy.
And he goes,
"Yeah, I got a kid."
I'm like,
"I'm not asking questions
right now,
and you're just answering me."
And he goes, "I bet
you're judging me, aren't you?"
I'm like,
"Dude, I'm not talking to you!
But you know what?
Hold on. Hold on.
While we're here,
a lot of people
have kids at a young age.
And they turn out just fine.
Benefit of the doubt, man.
I'm not judging you."
Then he goes, "Oh, thanks, man.
Usually when I get a cab,
one of the Indians picks me up."
I'm like, "Oh, there it is!"
Now I'm judging you.
That's what
we were looking for."
I was on a plane recently,
and it was going fine.
It was a flight
from Denver to Atlanta.
And it was a long flight.
And then towards the end
of the flight,
we hit, like,
really bad turbulence.
Like, scary,
the whole plane was shaking,
and it was, like, dark out.
The plane
started dropping mid-air.
You know how the plane drops?
It's like, "Fuck!
We're in the sky!
This is not normal."
People were freaking out.
People started crying.
People started crying.
People started praying
because we all thought
we were about to die.
And I'm -
I'm a practicing Muslim.
So I started praying aloud
in Arabic,
which did not help
the panic, uh, at all.
I'd go so far
as to say it exacerbated things.
Uh, people
were already freaking out.
Now they're looking at me like,
"I thought he was Mexican!
Why, fuck, no!
Goddamn it! Shit!"
It got to the point
where a lady behind me
on the plane goes,
"Well, we're already
going down."
Like she was giving me a pass
to hijack the plane.
Like she was going, "Well,
we're already gonna crash.
Might as well let the Muslim
get his virgins in or whatever."
I can appreciate a good deal
when I see one.
Like -
like I'm the most opportunistic
terrorist there's ever been.
Like I felt the turbulence
and I was like,
"Whoa, thanks for warming me up,
Allah, I can take it from here."
- Your pieces didn't suck!
- Craig, don't be a hero.
Hey, check out his forehead
right here.
Check it out.
Like, get a close-up of that.
Is my face bleeding?
We're just talking
about the finer techniques
of smashing an aluminum can
on your forehead.
- It's not bleeding.
- Any hack can do it sideways.
That's no challenge.
You want to go lengthwise.
We're gonna each do it,
see whose can is smaller.
- Teacher versus student.
- And by the way,
it needs to be one movement.
You can't smash it
and then crush it.
All right.
Fuck you.
You do a little bit
of that shit while we go.
All right.
Okay, that's a pretty good one.
Boom, done.
- Fuck!
- All right, Craig.
- You want a nice -
you want a nice collapse, too.
- Pop it.
- Oh!
That was good!
No, that was good!
We're partying
pretty hard tonight.
- Yeah.
- Got a Bob Newhart tattoo
and made some new friends.
I saw Dave Stone
crush a beer can
with his head - 12 times.
Like, a lot of times.
He shouldn't sleep tonight.
No shittin'.
I don't know
about them Mang-O-Rita cans.
I think that's a different -
- You got this, Dave.
No, that's - that's -
- I'll - I'll do it.
- That's - that's dangerous.
I might come out of retirement
for this can.
- Do it!
- Don't.
You've got six concussions
already.
I've had six concussions.
If you want to smash a can,
we'll get you a High Life can.
I want to do it, but, like,
I've just had
too many concussions.
This is - I feel like,
I mean, I'll try.
Want me to try?
- Do it!
- All right.
This is tiny.
I mean, I know you can do it.
Oh!
These are my parents.
They're at "Flophouse."
They came through.
Um, how long did it take for you
to not be disappointed in me?
How long was that?
Oh, my God.
- I'll smash -
- I want to smash it!
Let me smash it.
- Please stop!
Oh, man.
I should just
punch him in the stomach.
Ugh!
Thataboy!
Oh!
Oh!
Hashtag vas!
Hashtag world news.
Atlanta!
You want your glasses back?
I feel great.
I could do this all night.