Flophouse (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Hoverboards at Babe Island - full transcript
Okay. Oop!
And there we go.
How's that, Clare?
Is that good?
Check one. Hot.
Hot, Monty, hot.
Check, check, chekow.
Chickity China,
the Chinese Chicken.
Chumbawamba.
So here we are again.
We're doing
another fantastic L. A. show.
Lots of great comedians,
hot comedians.
You've seen 'em on, uh,
"Premium Blend," 1999.
Welcome back.
I am Solomon Georgio.
This is, of course,
the beautiful Eric Dadourian.
This is our home.
Welcome.
Welcome to our home.
Megan Koester, she'll be
performing tonight on the show.
- Megan's great.
- I am.
Alison Stevenson hanging out
in the corner here.
- She's gonna be telling jokes.
- All right.
There are some more comedians
in here.
Esther, she's gonna be
on the show tonight.
Sean O'Connor.
Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
I knew it was gonna happen.
Jak Knight,
he's gonna be up there...
- Yeah.
- ...tellin' his jokes.
Ahmed Bharoocha
will be on the show.
That's right.
Yeah, there you go.
- Ben also on the show tonight.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, so fucking crisp
right there, dude.
This is two Ethiopians
on one TV show.
That's never happened
in the history of television,
by the way.
It's...
- Yeah, you guys are...
- It's never happened.
So are you gonna do your accent?
Or am I gonna do my accent?
'Cause one of us has
to do the accent.
I don't know.
What would it sound like if
your dads talked to one another?
How gay is your son?
I got to give a shout-out
to all my dead gnomies.
Why are you doin' that?
Eric!
Eric! Eric! Eric! Eric!
Bum, bum, bum!
Bum, bum, bum!
Oh!
Oh, shit!
- You okay?
- You okay, dude?
All right, everybody!
Today's show will be happening
in the garage very shortly.
Grab a drink.
Enjoy yourself.
If you need to refresh,
then refresh.
But I need butts in seats.
Welcome to my garage!
Really quickly, before I start,
did anybody else
go to Juilliard here?
Just me.
Just me.
Thought so.
My life is crazy.
My life is weird.
It's funny.
It's weird.
I want to change my entire body.
I hate it.
I want to get...
Okay.
Okay.
Don't judge.
Just be open.
Just be my sounding board.
Like, a little blond toupee,
just like -
just like a little,
like, blond...
Just like... Right?
Right?
Right?
Can I?
What else?
I don't have anything else.
I just have...
Right now, I'm like balls deep
in writing my memoirs.
So I was just, like...
No, I am.
I am.
And when you're
ageless and timeless,
how do you start?
Where do you start?
That's why it -
it drives me crazy.
I see on Twitter all the time,
people tweeting, "Oh,
if I had a time machine,
I'd do this, I'd do that."
Honey, if I had a time machine,
I'd put it on the corner.
Put it on craigslist.
What do I need a time
machine for?
My life is
a fucking time machine,
you know what I mean?
You know, I was really
afraid that we were gonna
have to perform
somewhere tonight
where there weren't any rats.
But we're good.
I recently tricked a guy
into having sex with me.
Um, he was gay,
and I told him I was Dave Grohl.
We had fun.
Rrr.
I'm really lonely.
I just started to do this thing
where I'll reset a password
just to receive an e-mail.
My phone buzzes, I'm like,
"Oh, my god. Who needs me?"
And then, uh,
now I go the next step.
And I make
the security question,
"How are you?"
And the answer is just,
"Funny you should ask."
What's up, buddy?
That is so...
I had 6 months -
Is this good banter?
- Oh, yes, yes.
- You got it.
- Oh, yes. Yes, yes.
- Isn't that crazy?
- Oh, I got next.
- Square?
Get that out of my fucking face.
I'm just kidding!
But I've always wanted
to say that. Um...
Please give it up
for Bobcat Goldthwait!
A lot of you are really young.
A lot of you weren't even
born when I was relevant.
And, um, I was really big
in the '80s.
And, um, your parents may have
fucked to my movies
to make you.
So, uh...
We are on planes all the time.
And I was on a flight.
And the engine blew up.
Um, was goin' from L.A.
to New York.
And midway through,
it was like, pow.
And the whole plane
just started...
That's not the noise it made.
Clearly, I'm not the black guy
from "Police Academy"
that makes funny noises.
It was like...
And, uh, and then there was
a rooster on the wing.
The engine blew up!
And the plane
just started careening
straight towards the earth.
And it was terrifying.
I found out later that the pilot
was just trying to land
the plane as quick as possible.
But it was going so fast
that it was like g-force tests.
Like, people's beverages
were floating in the air.
And people were screaming.
It was horrific.
And I said, "Stay calm.
See what the flight
attendants are doin'.
That's how you survive
something like this."
And I look.
And two flight attendants
are lookin' out the window.
And then they turn back.
And they were sobbing.
Crying flight attendants,
put that in your mind.
That's truly
the most terrifying thing
I've ever seen in my life.
"We're here
for your safety first."
Fuck that.
They had checked out.
They were, like,
holding each other's hands,
"I always thought
you were professional, Karen."
And a good portion
of the other people
on this flight
was the United States
Special Olympics team.
That's who was on the flight.
And, uh, I - I know.
I can't, uh, I can't change it
so you're more comfortable.
It was...
It was 45 men and women
in red, white, and blue
running suits with medals.
So if it wasn't
the Special Olympics team,
it was a really big hip-hop
group with Down syndrome.
And as the plane was careening
towards the earth,
the pilot got on.
He's like, "Hello,
ladies and gentlemen.
This is your pilot.
There's no reason to be alarmed.
When we land in Cleveland,
the runway
will be covered
entirely in foam.
At the very end of the runway
will be a fire truck."
And I thought, "Well, this is
the end of my life," you know?
And I - I thought
about my daughter.
And I thought about my friends.
And then, clear as a bell, a -
a voice in the back
of the plane went, "Fire truck!"
He was excited.
He was gonna see a fire truck.
And I laughed.
And no one else did.
I looked around.
I go, "You didn't
hear 'fire truck'?"
I went from atheist
to agnostic at that moment.
I was like,
"Maybe there is some sort
of higher deity
in the universe."
And I know - I know
some of you may work
with mentally challenged people,
or you may have them
in your family.
But if you don't think
they say or do anything funny,
you're denying
that they're human beings.
Because that's
the funniest fucking thing
I've ever heard
another human being say,
"Fire truck!"
As soon as I blew
my first cloud,
I knew that that was
my one true love -
straight-up vaping, for sure.
I live that vapor life,
dude, straight-up.
Blake Vapes all day,
70-plus-thousand on Instagram,
fuckin' 70-plus-thousand
on Facebook.
He's killin' the game,
top of the vape game,
top of the real-life game.
Top of that comedy game
right here, dude.
Straight Ben Bizuneh, dude,
straight up comin' out here
from Ethiopia.
Yo, that's what's up, dude.
You just got vaped!
You see that shit, dude?
All right.
I'm not that good
at reading signals
and nonverbal cues.
That's why I
don't like courtship.
Like, I can't tell
if a girl likes me
unless she's currently
touching my penis.
And even then, I'm like,
"Mm, this could go either way."
I don't like texting either.
Like, I never know how long
I'm supposed to wait
before I text a girl back.
Like, this girl texted me,
"Nothin' much. You?"
an entire day
after I texted her, "What's up?"
So I'm gonna reply,
"Just chillin',"
exactly 1 year from now.
My goal is to make
her feel 365 times
as insecure as I did.
Ah, a lot of people blamin' ADD
for kids not paying attention
in school, right?
But I feel like people
forget that school sucks.
That's part of the problem.
I used to think
history was boring.
But history's filled
with murder and deception.
It's better than Shakespeare.
All I can remember in school
is just shove the date
down your throat.
Just the date, the date,
the date, the date.
The date is the least
interesting part of the story.
I've never been telling someone
a story, been like,
"Oh, man.
Got these two Italian
supermodels
back to my apartment.
One thing led to another."
"What day was it, man?
What day was it?
What was the date?
Who was president?
What was the climate?
When did this happen?
Get to the details!"
Like, I used to think
George Washington was boring.
But he's murdered people!
He went to war!
He turned out being
king of America.
He's probably stabbed
someone in the face
with a knife
at the end of a gun.
Like, he killed people back
when you had to be like,
"I'm sorry.
I'll remember this forever."
And all I can remember at school
is the cherry tree story,
which is not even real.
They made it up.
They made up a less
interesting story about him
and told that to everybody.
"Hey, you
know George Washington?"
"Oh, that's
the cherry tree guy, right?"
"No. That's fake.
He murdered people
on Christmas."
That's like, in 1,000 years
from now, they're gonna be like,
"You know George W. Bush
led this country to a war
all based on a lie?"
"What?
I thought he just trampled
his father's azalea patch!"
I'm, like, scared to walk
in front of that camera.
44787.
No, don't get me smoking.
I want to be on
the Disney Channel.
Don't get this.
I'm like an alcoholic.
I know. I want to be
on the Disney Channel.
- Don't film this.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I want to do, like, a cool
late night set with a suit.
I don't want to -
I don't want to quote...
And I'm like, "Fuck.
Fuck bitches.
Get hoes and drink liquor.
Nerd game!"
Yeah, right?
Has anyone here heard, uh,
that new Meghan Trainor song?
It's called
"Dear Future Husband."
Mm.
I have a - I have
a problem with that song.
At one point, she's like,
"I'll be sleeping
on the left side of the bed.
Open doors for me,
and you might get some"...
- Head.
- I'm not saying...
- Head.
- Head?
Yeah, no.
But what she says is "kisses."
She goes, "I'll be sleeping
on the left side of the...
bed.
Open doors for me,
and you might get some...
kisses."
I'm not, like, the type of comic
who wants to talk
about head on stage.
But if you mean something,
you fucking say it!
Just say it!
Point of all this is to say
that one of my favorite songs
of all-time
is, uh, "Magic Stick."
It's by Lil' Kim,
featuring 50 Cent.
And why I like this song is -
is because 50 Cent comes in,
and he's like,
"I have the magic stick."
And then Lil' Kim comes in.
And she's like,
"You know what?
I have the magic clit."
She just says it!
I should be on
the fucking Disney Channel!
All night, I try to avoid
the goddamn cameras
while I'm smokin' a cigarette
'cause one day I'm gonna
be on the Disney Channel!
Hey.
What's up?
- What's up?
- Yeah.
Oh, hi.
I have bread crumbs on my hand.
- Nice to meet you.
- What's up, boo?
- Tyler.
- Hi, Tyler. I'm Clare.
- Nice to meet you. Hi.
- Nice to meet you. Hello.
- Uh, hello.
- Nore Davis!
L - L. A. is a different
type of grind, man.
I'm New York, so we do, like,
three or four spots a night.
And bringin'
that type of grind here
is literally
"Grand Theft Auto V,"
where every show it's like,
"Yo, come on my show.
Then come on my show."
So that's two spots.
But one's in East L. A., and the
other one's in Santa Monica.
Nigga, that's like a mission.
That's a mission
that just pops up.
Bing!
By the time
you drive there,
you're like, "What's funny?
What's comedy?"
I, uh, graduated college.
And, uh, college
is the worst scam...
I ever fell for in my life.
College is all about capitalism.
They don't care
about your education.
Every professor trying
to make a profit off of you.
Every professor, "All right.
You got to get this book.
It's $500.
And we're only concentrating
on chapters two, four
and six.
And I'm the author."
"What?
I'm a student,
not your biggest fan.
Did I register for this class
on Ticketmaster?"
From New York, went
to school in Brooklyn.
I was scared to go at first,
but Brooklyn's nice now.
I mean, they got
a lot of hipsters.
I like hipsters, man, I really
like hipsters in the hood
because they keep
the crime down.
Because I seriously think
criminals can't rob
white people dressed like that.
It puts 'em in a good mood.
It shifts the whole momentum
of the robbery.
It's like, "Gimme yo money!
Yo, dawg!
She got a top hat on!
I can't do it!
I can't rob Abraham Lincoln!
Go ahead, girl.
Go ahead."
"You don't think
she had the rabbit in that hat?
I could have got that rabbit
and gave it to my daughter,
like, 'Ta-da!
You like bunnies, baby?'"
"This is a ridiculous, Travis.
This is what I'm doin'
with my life?
I'm robbin' magicians
on the block?
That's what I'm doin'?
I'm done with this, nigga."
No more."
Look at this, man,
Brooklyn is new.
It's innovated.
They got the Barclays Center
in the hood!
You know what I did right
across the street from my hood?
You know what I did right
across the street from my hood?
I bought a cupcake,
nigga, a cupcake.
It was $8.
It was good!
It was good.
I'm not gonna lie.
Recently, I turned 30 years fun.
Mm!
Whoo-hoo!
And my grandmother asked me
how I felt about it.
Naturally, my answer to that
question was that I felt nothing
because that's how she raised me
to feel, nothing.
Uh, but I was thinking about,
you know, all the achievements
in her life when she was my age.
Um, primarily
that she had found a man
who said that
he would pay her bills,
like he's Ryan Seacrest
or some shit.
That's gonna work really
great on the coast.
That's actually a reference
to a Los Angeles billboard.
He found a -
She found a man, uh,
who would pay her bills
for the rest of her life,
support her children,
et cetera, et cetera.
And I know at this point
in the game,
if I were to meet a man
who would pledge
to pay for my existence
until I fucking died, uh,
the first thing I would do
with all that sweet scratch
is go down to one
of those kiosks in the mall
and get a shirt custom
printed up that says,
"This is what a feminist
looked like."
You know what I'm sayin'?
I can't afford morals.
I can't even
afford to eat organic.
So, gents...
you're gettin' a lot of bishes
come up in your face, right?
Talkin' about
how they hate being catcalled.
To which I say, "If
those bitches didn't want it,
they shouldn't have been born
with two X chromosomes."
Am I right, dogs?
But personally, I really love it
when a guy catcalls me.
And I love it the most
when it's a little fella.
You get a little fella comin'
up to you,
just this little fella
comin' up to you,
and he says, "Hey, mami.
Hey, baby. Hey, baby.
Hey, mami. Hey, mami. Hey, mami.
Hey, mami. Hey, mami."
He's so cute, you know?
I just want to pick him up.
And I want to put him
in my pocket, you know?
I want to pick him up, and I
want to put him in my pocket.
And then I want to take my hand
and just start applying more
and more pressure to my pocket.
You know?
Until I can feel his tiny,
little bones break under
the weight of my claw.
And I can feel his fucking
blood rush down my leg.
And I can just
absorb his spirit,
goddamn essence
with his last breath, you know?
Because I'm not his mommy.
I'm infertile.
Bye.
The last time
I got dumped to my face,
like, in-person, awful!
Like, this guy -
I guess he was tryin'
to be nice or some shit.
But he, uh, he was just like -
This is all he said.
He said that I was
too much woman.
That's all he -
"Too much woman!"
And then he just left.
Like, has anyone heard that?
Have you been given
that phrase ever,
too much woman?
At first I was like, oh, okay.
This guy thinks I have
like four vaginas,
like 30 Fallopian tubes,
estrogen seeping our of my pores
24/7,
which, uh,
that might be true, actually.
I don't know.
I don't know how the female body
works that well.
I just live here, you know?
Well, but then I went to -
And, uh, I typed in the phrase,
"Too much woman."
They were straight up.
They were real as fuck!
Urban Dictionary was like,
"You're fat!
You have big thighs!
No one's ever gonna love you!"
And, uh, you know what?
Hey, guess what.
They're not wrong.
I have big thighs.
Secret's out.
I'm not a thin woman.
And I have big thighs.
Whoo!
Uh, hey, uh,
here's the thing, though.
Real talk...
I'm gettin' real with you.
Uh, my thighs -
favorite part of my body.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Did she just say that?
Yeah, that's right.
I love my thighs.
I love my big-ass thighs.
My thighs almost killed a man.
How many of you can say
that shit
about your thighs, huh?
My thighs literally almost
killed a man.
I was, uh, I was sitting
on his face, you know,
because I'm a grown-ass woman.
And I want to cum!
And I was sitting on his face.
And about, like, a minute in,
he gets a full-on panic attack,
legit, fuckin'
real-ass panic attack,
like in the movies!
No!
Yes!
I had to, like,
get a paper bag and everything.
He couldn't fucking breathe!
He couldn't breathe!
Drowning in my flesh!
Not gonna lie.
That was, like,
the most turned on I
have ever been,
just the wettest
I have ever wetted.
My parents got us this place.
Like, they bought us
all this booze.
It's our prom.
It's 1999.
We're only gonna be 17 once.
Like, we're fucking going crazy.
Oh!
Hello!
This is me and my crew.
We been singin' for 5 years.
We were discovered
at Six Flags,
Six Flags, Germany.
We love you, Six Flags.
Girl, I'm so happy you here.
I'm so happy you came
to the show.
I'm so happy you're in my house.
- I love you, baby.
- We love you, too.
This is a song for you.
It's called
"Get Out of My House."
We love you.
Good night.
And there we go.
How's that, Clare?
Is that good?
Check one. Hot.
Hot, Monty, hot.
Check, check, chekow.
Chickity China,
the Chinese Chicken.
Chumbawamba.
So here we are again.
We're doing
another fantastic L. A. show.
Lots of great comedians,
hot comedians.
You've seen 'em on, uh,
"Premium Blend," 1999.
Welcome back.
I am Solomon Georgio.
This is, of course,
the beautiful Eric Dadourian.
This is our home.
Welcome.
Welcome to our home.
Megan Koester, she'll be
performing tonight on the show.
- Megan's great.
- I am.
Alison Stevenson hanging out
in the corner here.
- She's gonna be telling jokes.
- All right.
There are some more comedians
in here.
Esther, she's gonna be
on the show tonight.
Sean O'Connor.
Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
I knew it was gonna happen.
Jak Knight,
he's gonna be up there...
- Yeah.
- ...tellin' his jokes.
Ahmed Bharoocha
will be on the show.
That's right.
Yeah, there you go.
- Ben also on the show tonight.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, so fucking crisp
right there, dude.
This is two Ethiopians
on one TV show.
That's never happened
in the history of television,
by the way.
It's...
- Yeah, you guys are...
- It's never happened.
So are you gonna do your accent?
Or am I gonna do my accent?
'Cause one of us has
to do the accent.
I don't know.
What would it sound like if
your dads talked to one another?
How gay is your son?
I got to give a shout-out
to all my dead gnomies.
Why are you doin' that?
Eric!
Eric! Eric! Eric! Eric!
Bum, bum, bum!
Bum, bum, bum!
Oh!
Oh, shit!
- You okay?
- You okay, dude?
All right, everybody!
Today's show will be happening
in the garage very shortly.
Grab a drink.
Enjoy yourself.
If you need to refresh,
then refresh.
But I need butts in seats.
Welcome to my garage!
Really quickly, before I start,
did anybody else
go to Juilliard here?
Just me.
Just me.
Thought so.
My life is crazy.
My life is weird.
It's funny.
It's weird.
I want to change my entire body.
I hate it.
I want to get...
Okay.
Okay.
Don't judge.
Just be open.
Just be my sounding board.
Like, a little blond toupee,
just like -
just like a little,
like, blond...
Just like... Right?
Right?
Right?
Can I?
What else?
I don't have anything else.
I just have...
Right now, I'm like balls deep
in writing my memoirs.
So I was just, like...
No, I am.
I am.
And when you're
ageless and timeless,
how do you start?
Where do you start?
That's why it -
it drives me crazy.
I see on Twitter all the time,
people tweeting, "Oh,
if I had a time machine,
I'd do this, I'd do that."
Honey, if I had a time machine,
I'd put it on the corner.
Put it on craigslist.
What do I need a time
machine for?
My life is
a fucking time machine,
you know what I mean?
You know, I was really
afraid that we were gonna
have to perform
somewhere tonight
where there weren't any rats.
But we're good.
I recently tricked a guy
into having sex with me.
Um, he was gay,
and I told him I was Dave Grohl.
We had fun.
Rrr.
I'm really lonely.
I just started to do this thing
where I'll reset a password
just to receive an e-mail.
My phone buzzes, I'm like,
"Oh, my god. Who needs me?"
And then, uh,
now I go the next step.
And I make
the security question,
"How are you?"
And the answer is just,
"Funny you should ask."
What's up, buddy?
That is so...
I had 6 months -
Is this good banter?
- Oh, yes, yes.
- You got it.
- Oh, yes. Yes, yes.
- Isn't that crazy?
- Oh, I got next.
- Square?
Get that out of my fucking face.
I'm just kidding!
But I've always wanted
to say that. Um...
Please give it up
for Bobcat Goldthwait!
A lot of you are really young.
A lot of you weren't even
born when I was relevant.
And, um, I was really big
in the '80s.
And, um, your parents may have
fucked to my movies
to make you.
So, uh...
We are on planes all the time.
And I was on a flight.
And the engine blew up.
Um, was goin' from L.A.
to New York.
And midway through,
it was like, pow.
And the whole plane
just started...
That's not the noise it made.
Clearly, I'm not the black guy
from "Police Academy"
that makes funny noises.
It was like...
And, uh, and then there was
a rooster on the wing.
The engine blew up!
And the plane
just started careening
straight towards the earth.
And it was terrifying.
I found out later that the pilot
was just trying to land
the plane as quick as possible.
But it was going so fast
that it was like g-force tests.
Like, people's beverages
were floating in the air.
And people were screaming.
It was horrific.
And I said, "Stay calm.
See what the flight
attendants are doin'.
That's how you survive
something like this."
And I look.
And two flight attendants
are lookin' out the window.
And then they turn back.
And they were sobbing.
Crying flight attendants,
put that in your mind.
That's truly
the most terrifying thing
I've ever seen in my life.
"We're here
for your safety first."
Fuck that.
They had checked out.
They were, like,
holding each other's hands,
"I always thought
you were professional, Karen."
And a good portion
of the other people
on this flight
was the United States
Special Olympics team.
That's who was on the flight.
And, uh, I - I know.
I can't, uh, I can't change it
so you're more comfortable.
It was...
It was 45 men and women
in red, white, and blue
running suits with medals.
So if it wasn't
the Special Olympics team,
it was a really big hip-hop
group with Down syndrome.
And as the plane was careening
towards the earth,
the pilot got on.
He's like, "Hello,
ladies and gentlemen.
This is your pilot.
There's no reason to be alarmed.
When we land in Cleveland,
the runway
will be covered
entirely in foam.
At the very end of the runway
will be a fire truck."
And I thought, "Well, this is
the end of my life," you know?
And I - I thought
about my daughter.
And I thought about my friends.
And then, clear as a bell, a -
a voice in the back
of the plane went, "Fire truck!"
He was excited.
He was gonna see a fire truck.
And I laughed.
And no one else did.
I looked around.
I go, "You didn't
hear 'fire truck'?"
I went from atheist
to agnostic at that moment.
I was like,
"Maybe there is some sort
of higher deity
in the universe."
And I know - I know
some of you may work
with mentally challenged people,
or you may have them
in your family.
But if you don't think
they say or do anything funny,
you're denying
that they're human beings.
Because that's
the funniest fucking thing
I've ever heard
another human being say,
"Fire truck!"
As soon as I blew
my first cloud,
I knew that that was
my one true love -
straight-up vaping, for sure.
I live that vapor life,
dude, straight-up.
Blake Vapes all day,
70-plus-thousand on Instagram,
fuckin' 70-plus-thousand
on Facebook.
He's killin' the game,
top of the vape game,
top of the real-life game.
Top of that comedy game
right here, dude.
Straight Ben Bizuneh, dude,
straight up comin' out here
from Ethiopia.
Yo, that's what's up, dude.
You just got vaped!
You see that shit, dude?
All right.
I'm not that good
at reading signals
and nonverbal cues.
That's why I
don't like courtship.
Like, I can't tell
if a girl likes me
unless she's currently
touching my penis.
And even then, I'm like,
"Mm, this could go either way."
I don't like texting either.
Like, I never know how long
I'm supposed to wait
before I text a girl back.
Like, this girl texted me,
"Nothin' much. You?"
an entire day
after I texted her, "What's up?"
So I'm gonna reply,
"Just chillin',"
exactly 1 year from now.
My goal is to make
her feel 365 times
as insecure as I did.
Ah, a lot of people blamin' ADD
for kids not paying attention
in school, right?
But I feel like people
forget that school sucks.
That's part of the problem.
I used to think
history was boring.
But history's filled
with murder and deception.
It's better than Shakespeare.
All I can remember in school
is just shove the date
down your throat.
Just the date, the date,
the date, the date.
The date is the least
interesting part of the story.
I've never been telling someone
a story, been like,
"Oh, man.
Got these two Italian
supermodels
back to my apartment.
One thing led to another."
"What day was it, man?
What day was it?
What was the date?
Who was president?
What was the climate?
When did this happen?
Get to the details!"
Like, I used to think
George Washington was boring.
But he's murdered people!
He went to war!
He turned out being
king of America.
He's probably stabbed
someone in the face
with a knife
at the end of a gun.
Like, he killed people back
when you had to be like,
"I'm sorry.
I'll remember this forever."
And all I can remember at school
is the cherry tree story,
which is not even real.
They made it up.
They made up a less
interesting story about him
and told that to everybody.
"Hey, you
know George Washington?"
"Oh, that's
the cherry tree guy, right?"
"No. That's fake.
He murdered people
on Christmas."
That's like, in 1,000 years
from now, they're gonna be like,
"You know George W. Bush
led this country to a war
all based on a lie?"
"What?
I thought he just trampled
his father's azalea patch!"
I'm, like, scared to walk
in front of that camera.
44787.
No, don't get me smoking.
I want to be on
the Disney Channel.
Don't get this.
I'm like an alcoholic.
I know. I want to be
on the Disney Channel.
- Don't film this.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I want to do, like, a cool
late night set with a suit.
I don't want to -
I don't want to quote...
And I'm like, "Fuck.
Fuck bitches.
Get hoes and drink liquor.
Nerd game!"
Yeah, right?
Has anyone here heard, uh,
that new Meghan Trainor song?
It's called
"Dear Future Husband."
Mm.
I have a - I have
a problem with that song.
At one point, she's like,
"I'll be sleeping
on the left side of the bed.
Open doors for me,
and you might get some"...
- Head.
- I'm not saying...
- Head.
- Head?
Yeah, no.
But what she says is "kisses."
She goes, "I'll be sleeping
on the left side of the...
bed.
Open doors for me,
and you might get some...
kisses."
I'm not, like, the type of comic
who wants to talk
about head on stage.
But if you mean something,
you fucking say it!
Just say it!
Point of all this is to say
that one of my favorite songs
of all-time
is, uh, "Magic Stick."
It's by Lil' Kim,
featuring 50 Cent.
And why I like this song is -
is because 50 Cent comes in,
and he's like,
"I have the magic stick."
And then Lil' Kim comes in.
And she's like,
"You know what?
I have the magic clit."
She just says it!
I should be on
the fucking Disney Channel!
All night, I try to avoid
the goddamn cameras
while I'm smokin' a cigarette
'cause one day I'm gonna
be on the Disney Channel!
Hey.
What's up?
- What's up?
- Yeah.
Oh, hi.
I have bread crumbs on my hand.
- Nice to meet you.
- What's up, boo?
- Tyler.
- Hi, Tyler. I'm Clare.
- Nice to meet you. Hi.
- Nice to meet you. Hello.
- Uh, hello.
- Nore Davis!
L - L. A. is a different
type of grind, man.
I'm New York, so we do, like,
three or four spots a night.
And bringin'
that type of grind here
is literally
"Grand Theft Auto V,"
where every show it's like,
"Yo, come on my show.
Then come on my show."
So that's two spots.
But one's in East L. A., and the
other one's in Santa Monica.
Nigga, that's like a mission.
That's a mission
that just pops up.
Bing!
By the time
you drive there,
you're like, "What's funny?
What's comedy?"
I, uh, graduated college.
And, uh, college
is the worst scam...
I ever fell for in my life.
College is all about capitalism.
They don't care
about your education.
Every professor trying
to make a profit off of you.
Every professor, "All right.
You got to get this book.
It's $500.
And we're only concentrating
on chapters two, four
and six.
And I'm the author."
"What?
I'm a student,
not your biggest fan.
Did I register for this class
on Ticketmaster?"
From New York, went
to school in Brooklyn.
I was scared to go at first,
but Brooklyn's nice now.
I mean, they got
a lot of hipsters.
I like hipsters, man, I really
like hipsters in the hood
because they keep
the crime down.
Because I seriously think
criminals can't rob
white people dressed like that.
It puts 'em in a good mood.
It shifts the whole momentum
of the robbery.
It's like, "Gimme yo money!
Yo, dawg!
She got a top hat on!
I can't do it!
I can't rob Abraham Lincoln!
Go ahead, girl.
Go ahead."
"You don't think
she had the rabbit in that hat?
I could have got that rabbit
and gave it to my daughter,
like, 'Ta-da!
You like bunnies, baby?'"
"This is a ridiculous, Travis.
This is what I'm doin'
with my life?
I'm robbin' magicians
on the block?
That's what I'm doin'?
I'm done with this, nigga."
No more."
Look at this, man,
Brooklyn is new.
It's innovated.
They got the Barclays Center
in the hood!
You know what I did right
across the street from my hood?
You know what I did right
across the street from my hood?
I bought a cupcake,
nigga, a cupcake.
It was $8.
It was good!
It was good.
I'm not gonna lie.
Recently, I turned 30 years fun.
Mm!
Whoo-hoo!
And my grandmother asked me
how I felt about it.
Naturally, my answer to that
question was that I felt nothing
because that's how she raised me
to feel, nothing.
Uh, but I was thinking about,
you know, all the achievements
in her life when she was my age.
Um, primarily
that she had found a man
who said that
he would pay her bills,
like he's Ryan Seacrest
or some shit.
That's gonna work really
great on the coast.
That's actually a reference
to a Los Angeles billboard.
He found a -
She found a man, uh,
who would pay her bills
for the rest of her life,
support her children,
et cetera, et cetera.
And I know at this point
in the game,
if I were to meet a man
who would pledge
to pay for my existence
until I fucking died, uh,
the first thing I would do
with all that sweet scratch
is go down to one
of those kiosks in the mall
and get a shirt custom
printed up that says,
"This is what a feminist
looked like."
You know what I'm sayin'?
I can't afford morals.
I can't even
afford to eat organic.
So, gents...
you're gettin' a lot of bishes
come up in your face, right?
Talkin' about
how they hate being catcalled.
To which I say, "If
those bitches didn't want it,
they shouldn't have been born
with two X chromosomes."
Am I right, dogs?
But personally, I really love it
when a guy catcalls me.
And I love it the most
when it's a little fella.
You get a little fella comin'
up to you,
just this little fella
comin' up to you,
and he says, "Hey, mami.
Hey, baby. Hey, baby.
Hey, mami. Hey, mami. Hey, mami.
Hey, mami. Hey, mami."
He's so cute, you know?
I just want to pick him up.
And I want to put him
in my pocket, you know?
I want to pick him up, and I
want to put him in my pocket.
And then I want to take my hand
and just start applying more
and more pressure to my pocket.
You know?
Until I can feel his tiny,
little bones break under
the weight of my claw.
And I can feel his fucking
blood rush down my leg.
And I can just
absorb his spirit,
goddamn essence
with his last breath, you know?
Because I'm not his mommy.
I'm infertile.
Bye.
The last time
I got dumped to my face,
like, in-person, awful!
Like, this guy -
I guess he was tryin'
to be nice or some shit.
But he, uh, he was just like -
This is all he said.
He said that I was
too much woman.
That's all he -
"Too much woman!"
And then he just left.
Like, has anyone heard that?
Have you been given
that phrase ever,
too much woman?
At first I was like, oh, okay.
This guy thinks I have
like four vaginas,
like 30 Fallopian tubes,
estrogen seeping our of my pores
24/7,
which, uh,
that might be true, actually.
I don't know.
I don't know how the female body
works that well.
I just live here, you know?
Well, but then I went to -
And, uh, I typed in the phrase,
"Too much woman."
They were straight up.
They were real as fuck!
Urban Dictionary was like,
"You're fat!
You have big thighs!
No one's ever gonna love you!"
And, uh, you know what?
Hey, guess what.
They're not wrong.
I have big thighs.
Secret's out.
I'm not a thin woman.
And I have big thighs.
Whoo!
Uh, hey, uh,
here's the thing, though.
Real talk...
I'm gettin' real with you.
Uh, my thighs -
favorite part of my body.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Did she just say that?
Yeah, that's right.
I love my thighs.
I love my big-ass thighs.
My thighs almost killed a man.
How many of you can say
that shit
about your thighs, huh?
My thighs literally almost
killed a man.
I was, uh, I was sitting
on his face, you know,
because I'm a grown-ass woman.
And I want to cum!
And I was sitting on his face.
And about, like, a minute in,
he gets a full-on panic attack,
legit, fuckin'
real-ass panic attack,
like in the movies!
No!
Yes!
I had to, like,
get a paper bag and everything.
He couldn't fucking breathe!
He couldn't breathe!
Drowning in my flesh!
Not gonna lie.
That was, like,
the most turned on I
have ever been,
just the wettest
I have ever wetted.
My parents got us this place.
Like, they bought us
all this booze.
It's our prom.
It's 1999.
We're only gonna be 17 once.
Like, we're fucking going crazy.
Oh!
Hello!
This is me and my crew.
We been singin' for 5 years.
We were discovered
at Six Flags,
Six Flags, Germany.
We love you, Six Flags.
Girl, I'm so happy you here.
I'm so happy you came
to the show.
I'm so happy you're in my house.
- I love you, baby.
- We love you, too.
This is a song for you.
It's called
"Get Out of My House."
We love you.
Good night.