Flophouse (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - How Come at the Convent - full transcript

This is Convent Comedy.
My name is Kate Willet.

I live here at the convent.
This is my house.

This is the convent.

This is an artist collective

in the Lower Haight neighborhood
of San Francisco.

This is a house
were 23 people live.

It used to be a convent,
actually,

from 1934 until the '80s.

It's full of artists,
musicians, comedians.

There's a bunch of painters
who live here,

all different kinds of things.



And we have a communal kitchen.
We have communal bathrooms.

It's very much like a family
that lives here.

This room is full of comedians
and hippies right now.

Pretty much like
a typical, regular day.

It's not a commune.

We don't share
all of our possessions,

but it is a collective
in the sense

that we all, you know,
very much participate together.

There's an -
Everybody has an assigned chore.

You know, we come together
to throw events like this.

- This is Josh.
- Hi!

We hug a lot.

That's one thing
about moving in here

is I felt like my mood increased
from getting hugged a lot.



It's a very huggy community.

It's a very natural
antidepressant.

This is our confessional.

It's just fun to have
a confessional in your house.

It's a really great place
to make out.

That's what happens
a lot at parties.

This is the jewel in the crown
of the convent.

This is our sacred space.

The cloister was constructed
in the 1890s.

This is my favorite room
in the house.

During the day, people
do yoga in here, meditate,

and then, oftentimes,
we have performances in here.

I also host
a monthly comedy show here.

Yeah!

We've had Margaret Cho in here.

We did a show together last year
about this time,

and she loved it so much

that she actually ended up
subletting at the convent.

And it was pretty funny to,
like, have my childhood hero,

like, smoking pot with, like,
my hippy friends,

you know,
over a communal dinner.

It was surreal.

You get an amazing view
of the city.

I'm not actually looking
in the viewfinder here.

Yeah, I want to find some people
who don't know me

just so I can, like -
I want to, like, promise them,

like, fame and fortune
and stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I totally get you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's great.
That's a great idea.

You're a really good cameraman,
by the way.

Thank you, thank you.

You make it easy
on the people being filmed.

Please give it up
for Jesse Elias.

Recently,
someone knocked on my door,

and I answered it, and it was
a person holding a clipboard.

And I'm like, "Oh, shit!"

They're like,
"Hi, are your parents home?"

I'm like, "No.
No, they are not."

And they're like, "Okay, bye."

Still got it?

People are like, "Are you 20?"

I'm like, "No, I'm 30.
I'm just a late bloomer."

I look down a lot.

People are like,
"How come you don't look up

at people more often?"

I tell them,
"'Cause I'm a feminist,

and I don't want to subject
anybody to the male gaze."

Actually, the first time I ever
saw a picture of a naked woman,

I was in first grade.

And I'm like, "Oh, I get it.

A vagina's just like
a puff of hair."

So, um...

And, and then I -

Then I saw my dad naked
for the first time,

and I saw his pubes.

I'm like,
"My dad has a vagina?!"

He has, like, a penis
coming out of a vagina?!

Like, my dad's like,
"Stop laughing.

It will happen to you one day."

I'm like, "Yeah, right, idiot!"

So...

Uh, I drove -
I drove here from Oakland.

Uh, so, historically,
San Francisco and Oakland

have had something
like a rivalry.

You know, the perception
is that Oakland

thinks San Francisco is elitist,
and San Francisco is like,

"Fuck you, we're not elitist.

Now pay $5 to cross our moat."

Matt Lieb is a whore.

I thought that we had
something special.

I thought
that it was important to him,

and then I show up to a show,
and this is happening.

Sorry, babe,
I'm a "massagynist."

This guy is one of
my best friends in comedy.

I love him so much.
Please give it up for Matt Lieb!

So I've been doing this game,
all right,

where I've been going
onto Google on my phone

and messing
with the autofill results.

You know
when you type something in,

Google will complete
your sentence

based on what millions of people
have typed in before you?

Well, I've been going in,
and I've been typing in

the words "How come"
and then reading

the autofill results
live onstage,

'cause I don't know
if you guys know this,

but there's a whole
subset of people going online

and asking, "How come..."

As opposed to "Why?"

And those people
got different sets of problems

than you and me.

The way the game works

is I've typed in "how come"
on my phone.

I'm gonna ask for a letter
from the audience,

and then I'm gonna type
that letter in

and read you the result
that pops up, all right.

"P."

"P." "How come"
and the letter "P."

Oh! "How come -

How come people are mean?!"

Under that, "How come
pickles have no calories?"

"W"

"W." "How come -"

What the fuck?

"How come we don't
even talk no more?!"

They're not even specifying.

All right, one last one.

- "L."
- "L," all right.

"How come" and the letter "L."

"How come life is so hard?!"

You guys, and it's really sad,

but you understand
that if we were to ask,

like, "why" and the letter "L,"

it would be like,
"Why lease a car?"

But literally the second result

for "how come"
and the letter "L"

is "How come lice don't drown?!"

It definitely smells like I'm
performing in a hippy commune.

The tech boom here

has driven a lot of artists
out of the city,

and there's not a lot of spaces
left like this in San Francisco.

But there's a long tradition

of comedians
all living together.

- These are some roommates.
- We're staying in San Francisco.

- Uh...
- Roommates in the building.

They're cellar roommates.

I don't even know,
sometimes, who lives here.

My roommates,
they're really into, like,

essential oils
and conspiracy theories.

We've got a lot
of conspiracy theory guys.

You know the type
that likes to get super high

and then just,
"Connect the dots, man."

And, uh, they all have their own
favorite conspiracy theories.

Really popular ones
are that 9/11 was an inside job.

Lunar landing isn't real.

Or my favorite, "Girls
are trying to change me, man!"

And it's, like, mostly dudes

that you hear talking
about conspiracy theories.

Like, you never even really hear

a woman mentioning
the Illuminati.

I think I know why that is.

I've thought about it,
and I think 'cause it's like,

for me, it's not mind-blowing

that there could be
a group of people

other than myself
controlling the world.

"Dude, do you know
that the whole world

is controlled by a small group
of rich and powerful men?"

I'm just like,
"Yeah, fucking duh!"

It's like anybody
who's interested

in social justice whatsoever

is really down on
straight white guys right now.

And I understand it.

They have done
a lot of bad things.

But I feel like it's time
to have some empathy

for straight white guys,
you know,

especially
the unsuccessful ones, right?

Especially
the unsuccessful ones,

'cause it has got to be
humiliating

to fail in a world
that was built for you.

I live just up the street.
This is the Lower Haight area.

Um, I love hanging out
at this house.

Um, especially since
everything here is a vagina.

If you look around,
you got a vagina here.

You got a vagina over here.

Pretty much everywhere you look,
very vaginal-inclusive.

Please give it up
for Jessica Sele.

What's up, you guys?

I am really happy to be here
right now with all of you.

Because I am so lonely.

I am kind of going through a bad
break-up right now, honestly.

It's been about
three years, but...

But have any of you
ever done something

kind of psycho
during a break-up?

- No.
- Never!

Oh, you guys are so good.

But I did something
kind of psycho,

which I'll tell you about,
which is I masturbated.

That's normal.

But I recognized
that as I was masturbating,

I was fantasizing
about my ex, um,

crying at my funeral.

Is that nor-

Just, like, crying
on my friend's shoulders

and being like,

"I didn't realize
how much I loved her!

Now she's gone!"

I was like, "I'm dead now!"

Have any of you
ever had an orgasm

that's so good that you
just, like, see color and shit?

I guess this
is the place for it.

Oh, man.

But, okay, here's the thing.

I had an orgasm recently
that was intense

that as I was coming...

I just...

saw the Chicago Bulls logo.

I don't...

I don't know why that is,
but it was pretty awesome.

I think all I can make of that

is that
I had the Michael Jordan of -

Air-gasm.

It was an air-gasm.

You know, it was - it was...

It was just this.

So then I smoked some pot
and then watched "Space Jam,"

so it was all good.

Shout-out to everyone
in this house

that's hooked me up
with whip-its before.

I just wanted to say
that's some really...

Thank you very much.

I don't know if you guys
have hopes and dreams,

but the worst thing you can do
with hopes and dreams

is talk to people
who don't have hopes and dreams.

I call them coworkers.

I don't like 'em,
I don't like talking to 'em.

'Cause you tell people,
you're like,

"Hey, man, I've always,
you know,

I want to be a stand-up comic."

They're like, "Adrian,
why don't you try doing

something a little bit more
realistic with your life,

like being, like, I don't know,

like, an astronaut or the pope
or Spider-Man?

You like Spider-Man, right?

Why don't you try that out?
That's a little more realistic."

And that, like,
used to hurt my feelings.

I used to get, like,
offended by that,

until I met my new roommate,

and we had
the same conversation.

He's like, "Adrian, I'm glad
you're in the arts, too,

because I have always
dreamt of being

a professional fire-twirler."

And I was like, "Oh, shit!

That's what I sound like."

'Cause that's a fucking
dumb dream, dude.

Cut that shit out
in our apartment."

The church that this
convent was the convent for,

it used to be
the Church of the Sacred Heart,

and now it's a roller disco.

And then right next to it
is our sister collective.

The center was the rectory.

But now it's two collectives
and a roller disco,

so it's pretty San Francisco.

These are my notes,

and I'm supposed to do,
like, maybe 10 minutes.

And this is, like,
years worth of jokes.

I'm actually just holding this
and staring at it

because I think that's, like,

a habitual thing for me
at this point.

Uh, I think it builds up
a little anxiety, which...

gives me kind of energy
on stage, in a weird way.

So I just carry this around.

Instead of, like,
a security blanket,

it's, like, an anxiety blanket.

I've been looking at this
for hours.

Before I got here,
I was looking at this.

Sometimes I feel like
when I brush my teeth,

I feel like I have to look
directly into the sink

when I'm brushing my teeth.

'Cause I feel like if I look up

and make eye contact with myself
in the mirror,

it gets to be, like,
a little bit too real

or something, you know?

Like, too heavy.

Like, I see my own reflection,
I see myself,

I'm like, "Oh, shit!"

"I'm not immortal.

I'm just polishing my bones

so people like me
while I'm here."

Kaseem seems very hung up
on, like, credits

and, like, pecking-order shit,

but, like, to me,
we're all just peers.

- That's not true.
- Why would you even lie?

- It is true.
- Okay, it is.

Yo, I like that we wore
the same hoodie,

except yours is an adult size.

Wait, look at it.

How did we just notice this?

It's the same brand.

We're the same species,
which is weird.

Please give it up for my
very good friend Kaseem Bentley.

I'm glad you guys are here
in San Francisco,

the greatest city
in the Bay Area, all right!

Not the United States,
'cause we've been to New York.

I love San Francisco,

but there are some cities
in the Bay Area that suck.

Like, number one on my list,
Oakland.

Like, you ever been to downtown
Oakland at any point of day?

Looks like the first two minutes
of "I Am Legend."

There's nothing there.

It's just dogs running around,
animals, birds on cars,

a lonely black guy, you know?

He's just like,
"What am I doing here?"

But here's the thing,
Oakland kills me

because they have
one group of people

that scare the fuck out of me.

It's not the thugs, all right.
No offense, you know, right?

It's the lesbians.

The white ones, I can't tell.

Like, you could be a lesbian.
You're frowning right now.

You look like you're having
a bad time.

But, like, black lesbians,
we all know.

The old ones look
like LeVar Burton

from "Reading Rainbow."

The young ones look
like 2 Chainz,

and they are all meaner
than a BART station agent.

I almost got my ass beat
by two of them

in Jack London Square.

I was with this chick, right.

We're both fat,

so we're on a fat-people
shopping weekend, right.

And we were at Lane Bryant,

and if you don't know
Lane Bryant,

it's a clothing store
for big ladies

where they make the clothes
out of parachutes

and that kind of shit.

And she's there buying,
like, these weird dresses.

Has an animal print,
and she puts it on.

She has, like, a tiger print on.
She looks like a fat tiger.

And I want to - I said,
"Look, let me get out of here.

Let me go to Old Navy,
'cause I had $100,

so I'll buy
nine bags of clothes, right?

It's that kind of shit.

So I'm going there,
and it's Oakland,

so it's all these, like,
"City of God" children

stealing your wallet and shit,
going through.

And here comes around the corner
two black lesbians.

Now, the one on the left
looked like

an "Orange is the New Black"
kind of, you know, lesbian,

or like Mannie Fresh-looking
chick, right?

And the other one looked
like Queen Latifah,

but not old, bucket-on-her-head
Queen Latifah.

We talking, like,
new Queen Latifah, right?

She wearing, like,
an Oscar gown,

titties all smashed together.

They're all moving around.

Look like a bunch of Samoans
in a Honda Accord, you know,

that kind of shit.

And I'm staring at them,
like, you know,

like a retarded kid
with a word problem, right,

and the rough girl saw me,
and she's like, "Hey, man,

you sit there
staring at my bitch?!"

And I was like, "Oh, my God!
Aagh!"

'Cause she knew I'm a bitch.

I dress like this every day,

like an inner-city
school principal,

you know what I mean?

I go into farmers' markets,
I drink cran-apple.

I should be living in Berkeley
with a white woman

with a biracial son
named Autumn,

you know what I mean?

So I'm there.

I knew I was gonna die,

'cause this little black boy
looked at me and said,

"Nigga, you gonna die."
You know what I mean?

Oh, he's leaving on that?

Too black for this,
that kind of shit?

I guess some black lives
don't matter.

That made the cut, right there.

And so, I was gonna die,
knew I was gonna die,

and I'm sitting there,
and my mom -

Well, the chick is coming
out of Lane Bryant,

and I'm like,
"Hey, girl, help me."

She's like, "No, baby,
I work for the government.

I have a real job,"
you know what I mean?

So I knew I was gonna die 'cause
her friends were all out there.

Everyone had their Galaxies out.
Someone yelled "WorldStar!"

I knew I was gonna die, man.

And then my body spoke to me.

My horrible burrito-full-
of-French-fries-looking body

spoke to me,
and my heart said, "Kaseem."

And I said, "What?"

It said, "Just run.
Get away." You know what I mean?

And I said,
"What about the girl?"

"Fuck her, dawg."

You know what I mean,
that kind of shit.

Then my feet told my heart,
"He cannot run.

He is built like a bell pepper,"
you know what I mean?

Then my brain kicked in
and said,

"Look, blood,
look at the situation.

You're wearing a pink shirt,

a colorful pocket square,
a linen jacket,

You look gay.

They're lesbians. Act gay."
You know what I mean?

And I said, "What kind of gay?"

"Bravo Channel gay,"
you know what I mean?

Tyler Perry's secret boyfriend
gay, you know what I mean?

And I did it, and it worked.

She came up to me, said,
"Look, blood,

you sitting there
staring at my girl.

What do you gotta say now?"

I was like, "Look, boo-boo,

I wasn't even looking
at her titties,

I was looking at her shoes.

Her shoes are hella fierce,"
you know what I mean?

And she's like, "Aw!"

And everyone of them was like,
"Aw, I he was gonna die," right?

And I got the girl and got
the fuck out of the city.

It's been real here tonight.
Thanks.

Dude, this 'za is sick, bro. Shades
indoors. What's up, brahs? How you doing?

What's up?
I'm great.

Hell yeah.
What's up, George Chen?

George Chen eating pizza
like a boss right now.

Look at this, brah.
Hell yeah, dude!

See what else
other people thought

about the fuckin' pizza, brah.

Yo, na-na-na-na-nander.

Nander! Ladies!

I was doing the show
the other night,

and there was a sign language
interpreter onstage,

and he was translating
my entire act

into sign language, right?

So I be telling my jokes,
and I would look back,

and he'd be back there
translating because I guess

there was a bunch of deaf
students in the crowd or whatnot.

And I thought to myself,
I was like,

"I wonder how do you say
the word 'nigga'

in sign language," you know,
like, how do you say "nigga?"

I don't know how to say "nigga"
in sign language."

I wanted to learn how to say it,
so I decided to say the word

"nigga" over and over again
for like 30 seconds, right?

Then I'm gonna look back at him
and see what sign he was doing

so I can learn how to say it,
you know?

So when the opportunity arose,
I was like, "Oh, by the way,

Nigga, nigga, nigga.

Nigga, nigga, nigga.
My nigga!"

I look back at him
and see what sign he was doing.

And each time I would say
"nigga," he'd be pointing at me.

Nigga, nigga.

Nigga.

Nigga, nigga, nigga.

My nigga!

And I went over there,
and I beat that nigga ass.

I work for TaskRabbit.

Do you guys know
what TaskRabbit...

And if you don't know,
TaskRabbit is like

where Uber and Lyft
are for chauffeurs,

TaskRabbit is for servants.

It's - Yeah.

I'll clean your house,
I'll wait in line,

whatever, man.

And, like, there's
all these different categories

you could do like that.

I only build Ikea furniture,
and I have never been happier.

It's great.
I love it.

I just build Ikea furniture.

Although me building
Ikea furniture for a living

does feel like a sad parody
of what's happened

to American manufacturing.

Other countries build shit
95% of the way

and then send it to me with some
cute comic-book instructions

and an adorable
little Allen wrench like,

"Who says Americans
don't build anything?

Look at that end table!

I think Americans
build some things!

Yes, they do!"

Yeah, it's - No, it's good news.

Oh, nice.
That's awesome.

- Are you a friend of Nate's?
- Yeah.

- Do you live here?
- No.

I really liked watching
the pressure build on his face.

Please give it up
for Chris John.

I'm balding and I have pimples.

I don't know
how that's possible.

I look like I'm retiring
from going through puberty.

I'm bald enough to where I can
get sunburned on top of my head,

but not bald enough to where
I can put sunscreen on there

without it looking like
there's jizz in my hair.

Jizz in my hair.

Chris John and Jesse Elias.

You guys seem like - I don't know.
Two peas in a pod.

To me it seems like - Two peas in a
pod, exactly. Two peas in a pod.

Yeah, Chris John is kind of
like my younger brother

who had a harder time
in life than me.

I love you, man.

You know,
I was just saying backstage

how you are exemplary
of how comedy gives a voice

to people who the world would
never know about otherwise.

Are you talking
about Scott or me?

Uh, you, Chris.

You, in this - In this case.

Scott would find a way

to be the center of attention
in any -

I'd be -
I'd be running a business.

I'd be a C. E. O.
or something, probably. Yeah.

One, two, one, two, three, four!

Thank you so much.