Flophouse (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Dong Bumping at Sylvan House - full transcript
Welcome, everybody.
Welcome to our house.
Welcome to the Sylvan House.
Bang, Bang, Sylvan Gang.
We're at the Sylvan House
where dreams come to die,
and then inevitably are revived
by cocaine and whiskey.
We got a great lineup
of comedians
for you -
a lot of my roommates here.
The reason
we're all here tonight.
And we got this house here.
We want it to be a place
for comics
who are traveling from other
places and need a place to stay.
They're always welcome
to stay with us.
I've never even fucking
been down here, right?
It took VICE
to get us into our backyard.
Who's in attendance right now?
Uh, you have the finest dirtbags
in San Francisco
mixed with your highest
level tech professionals.
You can tell who's who
'cause they're wearing
the same clothes,
only the dirtbags actually found
them and the tech folks
bought them from
tiny little stores
that used to be
mom- and-pop businesses.
It's a pretty good mix.
Everybody's between 24 and 27.
We've got a lot
of women hotter than me.
I'm a little bit
frustrated by that.
I thought I specifically said
in my rider -
only 6's and below.
But feminism aside, there's
a lot of hotties out there.
- Oh!
- Oh!
- No!
- What the fuck?
It's like doing a show
at a youth shelter,
but everyone works
at Urban Outfitters,
you know what I mean?
They all need case managers
and antibiotics.
But I love them all.
I mean, it's known
for being a shitty place
in a good way,
but it's really not that bad.
But I guess it kind of is.
This room, I once
made out with somebody.
We were gonna go all the way
until he ripped my bra in half -
my favorite bra.
I called it quits.
I've done a lot
of dishes in this kitchen.
No one ever asked me to,
but again, I can't be
in a place for too long
if it's not clean enough.
Of course, there's nothing
I can do about this.
But part of me kind
of wants to jump in it.
Mm-hmm? Do you know I made
out in your room once?
- What?!
- Yeah. Not with you.
- I know.
- But with someone else.
Wait. Mmm, I thought I told you.
Yeah. No.
You didn't.
What happened?
Definitely on your bed.
But, OJ, tell us about
living in this house
and why you left.
It was the best time of my 20s.
- It was.
- And then I turned 25
and I had to get
the fuck out of here.
We've had as many as, I think,
15 people at one point.
Let's see, right now,
Alex, Spencer,
Stokes, Ash, Andre, Zach.
- Kollin.
- Kollin, Andrew, Andrew.
- Jocelyn.
- Jocelyn.
Joe.
- And then...
Michael whenever he's drunk.
- Michael whenever he's -
- Yeah.
Yeah, and then just
an endless stream of bodies.
People who are just
on a constant crashing.
- Phil's fucked up.
- Phil's really fucked up.
How do you f-f-f-f-feel, Phil?
How do you f-feel, Phil?
Phil, how do you feel?
Here we come up to the war room
where these dummies
create stupid ideas
that are always pretty funny.
I've slept
on this floor several times.
I actually once brought
my own vacuum up here
because I wanted
to sleep on this floor
and not get
someone else's pube in my mouth
because that's happened.
I can't even tell you
whose this shit is.
- Yeah.
- It's everybody's.
That's the community bed.
- Well, yeah.
That's why you should
never sleep in it.
- Ever.
- It's fucking disgusting.
Yeah, so this is home for me.
I haven't had a bed
since I was, like, 22,
but this is the closest thing.
Like, when I think about,
like, coming home
and going to sleep on something,
it's like this, for sure.
The bar that we were
running stand-up at,
in the 1980s,
it used to be this comedy club
called the Holy City Zoo,
and all these famous guys
came out of there,
like Robin Williams,
Dana Gould was there,
Patton Oswalt was there -
all these great San Francisco
guys we look up to.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome
to the Holy City Zoo tonight.
We've got onstage Marc Maron
and Patton Oswalt.
We kind of developed this crowd
of, like, younger people.
Just like broke people
wanting to have a good time.
Robin Williams came one time
and he did a set.
And then he told us,
he was like,
"It's just like
the Zoo used to be."
People are just texting,
lighting up.
Have a moment without it!
You can take a picture,
but fuckin'
have a moment that's right now!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
For old time's sakes,
before, people are like -
Hi, I'm an incidental tourist.
I'm taking - I have to film this
because I don't want to fucking
remember what actually happened.
I'm telling my friends
you were onstage
so they'd think
I was cool, you know?
They're just gonna think,
"What an asshole."
I don't know, man.
He changed the trajectory
of what we were doing, for sure.
'Cause we were
like just a bunch of dirtbags
in a bar, and then he came,
and people heard about it,
and then it was, like,
we were just packing it out.
We were just, like, you couldn't
even walk in there anymore.
He really helped us out
a lot, and it was cool
because it's, like, we all
love San Francisco so much,
so it's cool to be,
like, a part of that comedy,
like, legacy or whatever.
Me and this guy,
we started comedy together
in a pizza place
in San Bruno five years ago.
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
The baby boy from old Hanoi.
Everybody give it up
for David Gborie!
Let him hear it!
I was at a bar the other day
and I saw a bunch
of girls in this bar.
And women get to do
the best things.
Women get to do the best things.
I saw a bunch
of women at this bar
and one
of the butt songs came on.
You know the butt songs.
Don't be coy with me.
You know the butt s-
I like big boots with fur
and I cannot lie.
One of those songs came on,
and all these girls
started butt-dancing together.
And they were having
so much fun.
They were just -
"Oh, my God, Karen,
I can't believe we're doing this
on a Wednesday!"
They were having so much fun.
And I just appreciated
the camaraderie of it
because men don't have that.
We don't have that thing.
Like, there's no song
that you could put on right now
that's gonna make
me and this dude bump donks.
Right?
There's no song.
And I think it would
take the edge off.
You know how great it would be
if me and my boys
could just go out
after a hard week,
crack a couple of cold ones,
and bump wieners
till the morning light?
You know how good
that would feel?
We could change the world!
Me and this dude bump
dicks right now.
We might solve racism.
That might happen.
You want to try it?
Don't look away.
No, you've been ch-
No. Gray shirt.
You've been chosen to start
the dong-bumping revolution.
Don't hide from it.
Where would be if Malcolm X
had hidden from it?
Come up here
and mush wieners with me.
Mush wieners with me.
All right.
I'm just gonna -
I'm gonna beatbox it,
and then we're just gonna -
I've never done this before.
I'm gonna beatbox,
and then we're gonna like -
Okay?
- All right.
Okay, okay.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
I feel so alive right now!
This is what Bernie Sanders
feels like all the time.
Damn, bro.
Hello, everybody.
If you guys don't know,
we're here filming our eviction.
It's too bad
you can't smell on camera,
but this whole place
smells like feet and weed.
There's some dog mixed in there.
You guys smoke weed?
Yeah.
I can speak up for myself
on why are the reasons
I smoke weed, right?
And they can be like,
"Why do you smoke weed?"
And I'm like, "Uh,
because I'm trying to pretend
that I don't hear
my roommates masturbate?"
Oh!
This guy!
Right? Or I could be like,
"Why do you smoke weed?"
"I don't know.
I'm trying
to convince myself that
these SpaghettiOs are amazing."
I can be like, "Hey,
why do you smoke weed?"
And I'm like, "I don't know,
'cause sometimes you like
giggling like a little bitch
while I'm watching these reruns
of 'Sister, Sister.'"
I just got this shirt
very recently.
Even more recently,
came into the understanding
that this is in fact
a woman's blouse.
And so the way
that I figured this out
is because the buttons
are on the other side.
I did not know that men
and women's clothing
has the buttons
on the other side.
It seems pretty pointless.
To switch it around
seems kind of confusing.
And you guys may be thinking,
"Andrew, really,
you're just deflecting right now
of the real question
of how did you not know
that the shirt
you were buying was
a women's shirt," and it's -
"Well, because I found it
on the ground."
So...
It's our big, messy house
full of comedians.
If you look around,
we've got all these frames here.
They're all empty.
That's by design.
These are self-portraits,
and it's because
we're empty inside.
This is everybody.
Hello, everybody!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Quiet!
Be quiet! Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We need to make the clappers go.
- Silence.
- Shh!
- Silence.
- Shh.
We're gonna clap it on.
- Wait for it.
We're real poor,
so that's
our idea of entertainment.
Let's see. We got a bunch
of samurai swords.
We do.
Actually, I have a bunch
of samurai swords.
Oh, because
when I pay you the rest
of the rent,
I get my swords back.
I sense a theme, all right?
Okay. Fine.
Maybe - Oh,
and someday they'll turn
my cellphone back on.
I get it.
You know what I do?
I hang out with the Andrews -
Andrew Moore
and Andrew Holmgren.
I don't wear camouflage.
I wear the Andrews.
You understand? You know?
'Cause if I wear the Andrews,
then the police got to stop
and re-aim and make sure
they don't hit
no innocent bystanders.
My rage is so fucking mitigated
by a wonderful
fucking lifestyle.
I had kale and quinoa
salad today for lunch.
My shits are so smooth,
I can't really be mad
at nothing, you know?
I suppose I should clear up
any confusion.
I previously
referenced a girlfriend
and now I'm referencing boners.
I've made it all.
I've done it - I've done it all.
Made lady parts wet,
dude parts hard.
You can put whatever
sexual label you want on me.
I've tried them all on.
They all fit pretty well.
Yeah!
I do have fond memories
of being with men.
Very fond memories of dude sex.
I remember one time,
me and a fella were doing it.
He said, "Caitlin."
He said, "Talk dirty to me.
Make it racist."
Uh, here's the thing.
Uh, when you are in bed
with a black man,
and he says "Talk dirty to me,
make it racist", one word.
He wants you to say one word!
There's only one!
And I can't!
I can't do it.
It's not even that I won't.
I'm a white liberal.
I physically can't.
N- n-n-Nnnn.
Nnnn, Nnnn -
NPR.
But I didn't want to let
my man down, you know?
So this is what I did,
this is what I did.
I just reached out
and I choked him.
Just a little bit.
I just choked him.
And I said, "This is what I'm
gonna do to your economic
and educational opportunities
for generations."
Oh, my God, baby.
I'm gonna make sure
you grow up in a neighborhood
without a supermarket.
Oh!"
"Baby, think about it.
If I died of natural causes
right now,
you'd spend the rest
of your life in jail.
Oh, my God!"
"Can I touch your hair?"
"No."
And then I did.
I touched his hair.
We both came.
I'd love to now do
my world-famous
Seinfeld impression.
You guys ready for that?
Yeah?
Seinfeld?
- Whoo!
Yeah!
Yeah. Ooh.
That was very good.
That was very good.
I wasn't sure
how it was gonna end,
and you, Robert Downey, Jr.,
killed it.
Iron Man! Iron Man!
Iron Man.
Iron Man. Very good.
Basically, um, I'm down
for, like, whatevers.
Um, it's like,
if you want party, that's cool.
I'm down for, like, whatevers.
Like, you want to go dancing
or whatevers.
I'm down for, like, whatevers.
But like, you know,
like, for real,
like, a lot of people -
Like, a lot of people
think I'm Dutch.
But I'm not Dutch.
This is my impression
of something.
I don't know how to describe it,
but this is my impression of it.
Yeah, man. I was hanging at
the shore last night
and seen this fine girl
walking down the street.
She looking good, too.
She looked thick,
but she looked good, though.
You know, she had the ass.
Ass looking good.
She looking fine. I'm thinking
to myself, "Yummy!"
This is my impression of a man
who does not
use phrases correctly.
Eh, you know that movie
"High Fidelity"?
That's a good movie.
I liked that movie.
Hey, what'd you think about
that movie "High Fidelity"?
I liked that movie.
What'd you think about
that movie "High Fidelity"?
Oh, you didn't like it?
All right, more for me.
You didn't like it?
More for me.
Hey, man.
What, are you,
like, trying to do
some commercial recording -
Yeah, we're doing
a TSA, actually.
We're doing like an anti -
- Video camera.
Anti-drug and alcohol
campaign, actually.
VICE is trying to do
anti-drug and alcohol campaign.
Hey, man.
This is what your face
looks like on drugs.
But seriously, do you have
my Swishers, though?
Look, when you get down
to it, I'm an uptight person.
We've got all kinds
of funky stuff
going on in this house,
and I'm not really a funkster,
you know what I mean?
I'm just a -
I'm a square guy, you know?
Who, you know,
doesn't approve of a lot
of the things
that go on in here.
And, um, also, uh -
Are you painting something?
- Yeah.
- What are you painting?
It's, uh, Spencer.
He lives here.
That I approve.
I think that's neat.
- It's all right.
It's also neat
that you're using - He's using
a flyer as a palette, too.
Or a - It's a palette, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's neat.
That's really neat.
I paint pictures of comics
for like 60 bucks a piece.
These are sociopaths
that that's the only thing
they'll spend their money on.
Comics who won't like, pay $4
for a drink to keep the venue
they like open will buy
a portrait of themselves.
It's great.
I live in the closet.
And it's all right.
It's ridiculous -
$200 a month rent,
and that's the best deal
in the city, baby.
I was homeless before that,
so this is where I'm at now.
I slept just
outside on the streets.
People abandon so many beds
in this city
that if you just walk around
for a while at night,
you will find a bed
to sleep in outside.
And I would just hit
shit-tons of mikes.
Mike, mike, mike.
Sleep.
Mike, mike, mike.
Whatever.
I wasn't too scared 'cause
just being
in the comedy community,
I know there's people
that recognize
you can be a sleazebag
and still be a decent person.
It's easy being homeless
for me 'cause I'm a scumbag.
It's just fucking whatever, man.
It doesn't bother -
I smoke cigarette butts
I pick up off the ground.
I don't care.
It doesn't bother me.
Other people would be disgusted.
They'd be like, "Zach, uh,
there's probably human urine
on that cigarette."
And I go like, "Eww.
My poison's dirty.
Ugh."
The fuck is wrong with you?
I'm lighting
toxic chemicals on fire
and then inhaling them.
You idiot.
That'd be like if I was going
to shoot myself,
but then I dropped my shotgun
in the mud,
and I'm like,
"I'm not putting that
in my mouth."
No, sirree.
I want to live another day.
Fucking assholes.
Oh, it's good to see you.
I was gonna
wash my hair for this,
and then I remembered
where I was going.
I just feel
really uncomfortable right now
being away from my purse.
There's a lot of
fucking drifter garbage in here.
Nope. Get out.
Get out.
Out, out, out, out.
Out, out, out, out.
I'm going. I'm going.
- Done.
All right, man.
Get out.
I.D.?
All right, you can go.
- Thanks.
Enjoy your flight.
Everything is fucked.
Everybody sucks.
Fred Durst was right.
- Whoo!
It's true.
Who knew?
Who knew he was the voice
of reason
in a backwards red baseball cap?
Who knew?
This is something that I like
to call Freeform Stand-Up.
Freeform Stand-Up.
It's a bit like jazz.
Here we go.
Tank tops, barbecues.
I don't know, man.
Give me a break.
Budweiser, hairy arms.
What's your ethnicity?
That's not okay to ask.
I'm Asian.
Can you tell?
I don't know.
My mom's dead.
Budweiser, Bud Light,
Miller High Life,
Miller High Life.
Where's my dad?
Has anyone seen my dad?
I don't know where my dad is.
Dad!
I'm in the mall.
We're in the mall.
Hot Topic, Zumiez.
Gimme some of your -
Do you guys
remember those oxygen bars
in the mall?
That flavored air, baby.
Walk into Zumiez.
Get high off that flavored air.
"Mom, I sniffed
blueberry today."
I think that's good enough.
How'd you like your set
and how it went?
Uh, I thought
it went pretty okay.
You got some applause breaks.
Still gonna cry later,
so it's like -
Well, you're old, so that's
what you're supposed to do.
- Yeah.
- And stuff like that.
Well, would you do anything
different about your set?
- No.
- No?
I probably wouldn't have touched
my pussy so much on camera.
But didn't it feel good?
Whoo.
And your Filipino mom's
gonna see it.
- She's dead, dude.
- Right on.
All right!
Cut.
Are they any tattoo artists
in the building?
- Right here, right here, here.
- Oh, shit just got real.
- We got trouble.
- No, not me.
No, not you.
Not me, neither.
- I'm a human.
- You're good, I'm good.
Hey!
People, people, people!
- What?
- People, people!
There's an opportunity here.
VICE will give someone $1,000 -
- Yeah, I got it!
- Here!
We want you strip down and run
through this whole house.
Son of a -
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
- Oh, shit!
- Yes!
- $1,000?
- Dawg.
This is - Oh, my God, dawg.
No, it's not.
No one's giving you $1,000.
Yeah, man.
Come on, you're hot.
- Fuck it!
- Just do it!
- Whoo-hoo!
- For the party, baby!
Whoo!
- Yes!
- Oh, my God!
You have the hairiest dick
I've ever seen in my lifetime.
These are empty picture frames.
These are not
empty picture frames.
That is us in there!
Oh, my God.
This is fucking crazy, dawg.
Yes!
Woo!
Oh, my God.
R.I.P.
R.I.P.!
I mean, he is wearing
a poncho playing guitar.
This is the most
Bay Area thing ever.
The only thing that could
make it more Bay Area
if he was eating a burrito
and had HIV.
That way! Get the -
I have a stun gun.
Shut the fuck up.
- What?
- I have a stun gun.
Welcome to our house.
Welcome to the Sylvan House.
Bang, Bang, Sylvan Gang.
We're at the Sylvan House
where dreams come to die,
and then inevitably are revived
by cocaine and whiskey.
We got a great lineup
of comedians
for you -
a lot of my roommates here.
The reason
we're all here tonight.
And we got this house here.
We want it to be a place
for comics
who are traveling from other
places and need a place to stay.
They're always welcome
to stay with us.
I've never even fucking
been down here, right?
It took VICE
to get us into our backyard.
Who's in attendance right now?
Uh, you have the finest dirtbags
in San Francisco
mixed with your highest
level tech professionals.
You can tell who's who
'cause they're wearing
the same clothes,
only the dirtbags actually found
them and the tech folks
bought them from
tiny little stores
that used to be
mom- and-pop businesses.
It's a pretty good mix.
Everybody's between 24 and 27.
We've got a lot
of women hotter than me.
I'm a little bit
frustrated by that.
I thought I specifically said
in my rider -
only 6's and below.
But feminism aside, there's
a lot of hotties out there.
- Oh!
- Oh!
- No!
- What the fuck?
It's like doing a show
at a youth shelter,
but everyone works
at Urban Outfitters,
you know what I mean?
They all need case managers
and antibiotics.
But I love them all.
I mean, it's known
for being a shitty place
in a good way,
but it's really not that bad.
But I guess it kind of is.
This room, I once
made out with somebody.
We were gonna go all the way
until he ripped my bra in half -
my favorite bra.
I called it quits.
I've done a lot
of dishes in this kitchen.
No one ever asked me to,
but again, I can't be
in a place for too long
if it's not clean enough.
Of course, there's nothing
I can do about this.
But part of me kind
of wants to jump in it.
Mm-hmm? Do you know I made
out in your room once?
- What?!
- Yeah. Not with you.
- I know.
- But with someone else.
Wait. Mmm, I thought I told you.
Yeah. No.
You didn't.
What happened?
Definitely on your bed.
But, OJ, tell us about
living in this house
and why you left.
It was the best time of my 20s.
- It was.
- And then I turned 25
and I had to get
the fuck out of here.
We've had as many as, I think,
15 people at one point.
Let's see, right now,
Alex, Spencer,
Stokes, Ash, Andre, Zach.
- Kollin.
- Kollin, Andrew, Andrew.
- Jocelyn.
- Jocelyn.
Joe.
- And then...
Michael whenever he's drunk.
- Michael whenever he's -
- Yeah.
Yeah, and then just
an endless stream of bodies.
People who are just
on a constant crashing.
- Phil's fucked up.
- Phil's really fucked up.
How do you f-f-f-f-feel, Phil?
How do you f-feel, Phil?
Phil, how do you feel?
Here we come up to the war room
where these dummies
create stupid ideas
that are always pretty funny.
I've slept
on this floor several times.
I actually once brought
my own vacuum up here
because I wanted
to sleep on this floor
and not get
someone else's pube in my mouth
because that's happened.
I can't even tell you
whose this shit is.
- Yeah.
- It's everybody's.
That's the community bed.
- Well, yeah.
That's why you should
never sleep in it.
- Ever.
- It's fucking disgusting.
Yeah, so this is home for me.
I haven't had a bed
since I was, like, 22,
but this is the closest thing.
Like, when I think about,
like, coming home
and going to sleep on something,
it's like this, for sure.
The bar that we were
running stand-up at,
in the 1980s,
it used to be this comedy club
called the Holy City Zoo,
and all these famous guys
came out of there,
like Robin Williams,
Dana Gould was there,
Patton Oswalt was there -
all these great San Francisco
guys we look up to.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome
to the Holy City Zoo tonight.
We've got onstage Marc Maron
and Patton Oswalt.
We kind of developed this crowd
of, like, younger people.
Just like broke people
wanting to have a good time.
Robin Williams came one time
and he did a set.
And then he told us,
he was like,
"It's just like
the Zoo used to be."
People are just texting,
lighting up.
Have a moment without it!
You can take a picture,
but fuckin'
have a moment that's right now!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
For old time's sakes,
before, people are like -
Hi, I'm an incidental tourist.
I'm taking - I have to film this
because I don't want to fucking
remember what actually happened.
I'm telling my friends
you were onstage
so they'd think
I was cool, you know?
They're just gonna think,
"What an asshole."
I don't know, man.
He changed the trajectory
of what we were doing, for sure.
'Cause we were
like just a bunch of dirtbags
in a bar, and then he came,
and people heard about it,
and then it was, like,
we were just packing it out.
We were just, like, you couldn't
even walk in there anymore.
He really helped us out
a lot, and it was cool
because it's, like, we all
love San Francisco so much,
so it's cool to be,
like, a part of that comedy,
like, legacy or whatever.
Me and this guy,
we started comedy together
in a pizza place
in San Bruno five years ago.
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
The baby boy from old Hanoi.
Everybody give it up
for David Gborie!
Let him hear it!
I was at a bar the other day
and I saw a bunch
of girls in this bar.
And women get to do
the best things.
Women get to do the best things.
I saw a bunch
of women at this bar
and one
of the butt songs came on.
You know the butt songs.
Don't be coy with me.
You know the butt s-
I like big boots with fur
and I cannot lie.
One of those songs came on,
and all these girls
started butt-dancing together.
And they were having
so much fun.
They were just -
"Oh, my God, Karen,
I can't believe we're doing this
on a Wednesday!"
They were having so much fun.
And I just appreciated
the camaraderie of it
because men don't have that.
We don't have that thing.
Like, there's no song
that you could put on right now
that's gonna make
me and this dude bump donks.
Right?
There's no song.
And I think it would
take the edge off.
You know how great it would be
if me and my boys
could just go out
after a hard week,
crack a couple of cold ones,
and bump wieners
till the morning light?
You know how good
that would feel?
We could change the world!
Me and this dude bump
dicks right now.
We might solve racism.
That might happen.
You want to try it?
Don't look away.
No, you've been ch-
No. Gray shirt.
You've been chosen to start
the dong-bumping revolution.
Don't hide from it.
Where would be if Malcolm X
had hidden from it?
Come up here
and mush wieners with me.
Mush wieners with me.
All right.
I'm just gonna -
I'm gonna beatbox it,
and then we're just gonna -
I've never done this before.
I'm gonna beatbox,
and then we're gonna like -
Okay?
- All right.
Okay, okay.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
I feel so alive right now!
This is what Bernie Sanders
feels like all the time.
Damn, bro.
Hello, everybody.
If you guys don't know,
we're here filming our eviction.
It's too bad
you can't smell on camera,
but this whole place
smells like feet and weed.
There's some dog mixed in there.
You guys smoke weed?
Yeah.
I can speak up for myself
on why are the reasons
I smoke weed, right?
And they can be like,
"Why do you smoke weed?"
And I'm like, "Uh,
because I'm trying to pretend
that I don't hear
my roommates masturbate?"
Oh!
This guy!
Right? Or I could be like,
"Why do you smoke weed?"
"I don't know.
I'm trying
to convince myself that
these SpaghettiOs are amazing."
I can be like, "Hey,
why do you smoke weed?"
And I'm like, "I don't know,
'cause sometimes you like
giggling like a little bitch
while I'm watching these reruns
of 'Sister, Sister.'"
I just got this shirt
very recently.
Even more recently,
came into the understanding
that this is in fact
a woman's blouse.
And so the way
that I figured this out
is because the buttons
are on the other side.
I did not know that men
and women's clothing
has the buttons
on the other side.
It seems pretty pointless.
To switch it around
seems kind of confusing.
And you guys may be thinking,
"Andrew, really,
you're just deflecting right now
of the real question
of how did you not know
that the shirt
you were buying was
a women's shirt," and it's -
"Well, because I found it
on the ground."
So...
It's our big, messy house
full of comedians.
If you look around,
we've got all these frames here.
They're all empty.
That's by design.
These are self-portraits,
and it's because
we're empty inside.
This is everybody.
Hello, everybody!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Quiet!
Be quiet! Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We need to make the clappers go.
- Silence.
- Shh!
- Silence.
- Shh.
We're gonna clap it on.
- Wait for it.
We're real poor,
so that's
our idea of entertainment.
Let's see. We got a bunch
of samurai swords.
We do.
Actually, I have a bunch
of samurai swords.
Oh, because
when I pay you the rest
of the rent,
I get my swords back.
I sense a theme, all right?
Okay. Fine.
Maybe - Oh,
and someday they'll turn
my cellphone back on.
I get it.
You know what I do?
I hang out with the Andrews -
Andrew Moore
and Andrew Holmgren.
I don't wear camouflage.
I wear the Andrews.
You understand? You know?
'Cause if I wear the Andrews,
then the police got to stop
and re-aim and make sure
they don't hit
no innocent bystanders.
My rage is so fucking mitigated
by a wonderful
fucking lifestyle.
I had kale and quinoa
salad today for lunch.
My shits are so smooth,
I can't really be mad
at nothing, you know?
I suppose I should clear up
any confusion.
I previously
referenced a girlfriend
and now I'm referencing boners.
I've made it all.
I've done it - I've done it all.
Made lady parts wet,
dude parts hard.
You can put whatever
sexual label you want on me.
I've tried them all on.
They all fit pretty well.
Yeah!
I do have fond memories
of being with men.
Very fond memories of dude sex.
I remember one time,
me and a fella were doing it.
He said, "Caitlin."
He said, "Talk dirty to me.
Make it racist."
Uh, here's the thing.
Uh, when you are in bed
with a black man,
and he says "Talk dirty to me,
make it racist", one word.
He wants you to say one word!
There's only one!
And I can't!
I can't do it.
It's not even that I won't.
I'm a white liberal.
I physically can't.
N- n-n-Nnnn.
Nnnn, Nnnn -
NPR.
But I didn't want to let
my man down, you know?
So this is what I did,
this is what I did.
I just reached out
and I choked him.
Just a little bit.
I just choked him.
And I said, "This is what I'm
gonna do to your economic
and educational opportunities
for generations."
Oh, my God, baby.
I'm gonna make sure
you grow up in a neighborhood
without a supermarket.
Oh!"
"Baby, think about it.
If I died of natural causes
right now,
you'd spend the rest
of your life in jail.
Oh, my God!"
"Can I touch your hair?"
"No."
And then I did.
I touched his hair.
We both came.
I'd love to now do
my world-famous
Seinfeld impression.
You guys ready for that?
Yeah?
Seinfeld?
- Whoo!
Yeah!
Yeah. Ooh.
That was very good.
That was very good.
I wasn't sure
how it was gonna end,
and you, Robert Downey, Jr.,
killed it.
Iron Man! Iron Man!
Iron Man.
Iron Man. Very good.
Basically, um, I'm down
for, like, whatevers.
Um, it's like,
if you want party, that's cool.
I'm down for, like, whatevers.
Like, you want to go dancing
or whatevers.
I'm down for, like, whatevers.
But like, you know,
like, for real,
like, a lot of people -
Like, a lot of people
think I'm Dutch.
But I'm not Dutch.
This is my impression
of something.
I don't know how to describe it,
but this is my impression of it.
Yeah, man. I was hanging at
the shore last night
and seen this fine girl
walking down the street.
She looking good, too.
She looked thick,
but she looked good, though.
You know, she had the ass.
Ass looking good.
She looking fine. I'm thinking
to myself, "Yummy!"
This is my impression of a man
who does not
use phrases correctly.
Eh, you know that movie
"High Fidelity"?
That's a good movie.
I liked that movie.
Hey, what'd you think about
that movie "High Fidelity"?
I liked that movie.
What'd you think about
that movie "High Fidelity"?
Oh, you didn't like it?
All right, more for me.
You didn't like it?
More for me.
Hey, man.
What, are you,
like, trying to do
some commercial recording -
Yeah, we're doing
a TSA, actually.
We're doing like an anti -
- Video camera.
Anti-drug and alcohol
campaign, actually.
VICE is trying to do
anti-drug and alcohol campaign.
Hey, man.
This is what your face
looks like on drugs.
But seriously, do you have
my Swishers, though?
Look, when you get down
to it, I'm an uptight person.
We've got all kinds
of funky stuff
going on in this house,
and I'm not really a funkster,
you know what I mean?
I'm just a -
I'm a square guy, you know?
Who, you know,
doesn't approve of a lot
of the things
that go on in here.
And, um, also, uh -
Are you painting something?
- Yeah.
- What are you painting?
It's, uh, Spencer.
He lives here.
That I approve.
I think that's neat.
- It's all right.
It's also neat
that you're using - He's using
a flyer as a palette, too.
Or a - It's a palette, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's neat.
That's really neat.
I paint pictures of comics
for like 60 bucks a piece.
These are sociopaths
that that's the only thing
they'll spend their money on.
Comics who won't like, pay $4
for a drink to keep the venue
they like open will buy
a portrait of themselves.
It's great.
I live in the closet.
And it's all right.
It's ridiculous -
$200 a month rent,
and that's the best deal
in the city, baby.
I was homeless before that,
so this is where I'm at now.
I slept just
outside on the streets.
People abandon so many beds
in this city
that if you just walk around
for a while at night,
you will find a bed
to sleep in outside.
And I would just hit
shit-tons of mikes.
Mike, mike, mike.
Sleep.
Mike, mike, mike.
Whatever.
I wasn't too scared 'cause
just being
in the comedy community,
I know there's people
that recognize
you can be a sleazebag
and still be a decent person.
It's easy being homeless
for me 'cause I'm a scumbag.
It's just fucking whatever, man.
It doesn't bother -
I smoke cigarette butts
I pick up off the ground.
I don't care.
It doesn't bother me.
Other people would be disgusted.
They'd be like, "Zach, uh,
there's probably human urine
on that cigarette."
And I go like, "Eww.
My poison's dirty.
Ugh."
The fuck is wrong with you?
I'm lighting
toxic chemicals on fire
and then inhaling them.
You idiot.
That'd be like if I was going
to shoot myself,
but then I dropped my shotgun
in the mud,
and I'm like,
"I'm not putting that
in my mouth."
No, sirree.
I want to live another day.
Fucking assholes.
Oh, it's good to see you.
I was gonna
wash my hair for this,
and then I remembered
where I was going.
I just feel
really uncomfortable right now
being away from my purse.
There's a lot of
fucking drifter garbage in here.
Nope. Get out.
Get out.
Out, out, out, out.
Out, out, out, out.
I'm going. I'm going.
- Done.
All right, man.
Get out.
I.D.?
All right, you can go.
- Thanks.
Enjoy your flight.
Everything is fucked.
Everybody sucks.
Fred Durst was right.
- Whoo!
It's true.
Who knew?
Who knew he was the voice
of reason
in a backwards red baseball cap?
Who knew?
This is something that I like
to call Freeform Stand-Up.
Freeform Stand-Up.
It's a bit like jazz.
Here we go.
Tank tops, barbecues.
I don't know, man.
Give me a break.
Budweiser, hairy arms.
What's your ethnicity?
That's not okay to ask.
I'm Asian.
Can you tell?
I don't know.
My mom's dead.
Budweiser, Bud Light,
Miller High Life,
Miller High Life.
Where's my dad?
Has anyone seen my dad?
I don't know where my dad is.
Dad!
I'm in the mall.
We're in the mall.
Hot Topic, Zumiez.
Gimme some of your -
Do you guys
remember those oxygen bars
in the mall?
That flavored air, baby.
Walk into Zumiez.
Get high off that flavored air.
"Mom, I sniffed
blueberry today."
I think that's good enough.
How'd you like your set
and how it went?
Uh, I thought
it went pretty okay.
You got some applause breaks.
Still gonna cry later,
so it's like -
Well, you're old, so that's
what you're supposed to do.
- Yeah.
- And stuff like that.
Well, would you do anything
different about your set?
- No.
- No?
I probably wouldn't have touched
my pussy so much on camera.
But didn't it feel good?
Whoo.
And your Filipino mom's
gonna see it.
- She's dead, dude.
- Right on.
All right!
Cut.
Are they any tattoo artists
in the building?
- Right here, right here, here.
- Oh, shit just got real.
- We got trouble.
- No, not me.
No, not you.
Not me, neither.
- I'm a human.
- You're good, I'm good.
Hey!
People, people, people!
- What?
- People, people!
There's an opportunity here.
VICE will give someone $1,000 -
- Yeah, I got it!
- Here!
We want you strip down and run
through this whole house.
Son of a -
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
- Oh, shit!
- Yes!
- $1,000?
- Dawg.
This is - Oh, my God, dawg.
No, it's not.
No one's giving you $1,000.
Yeah, man.
Come on, you're hot.
- Fuck it!
- Just do it!
- Whoo-hoo!
- For the party, baby!
Whoo!
- Yes!
- Oh, my God!
You have the hairiest dick
I've ever seen in my lifetime.
These are empty picture frames.
These are not
empty picture frames.
That is us in there!
Oh, my God.
This is fucking crazy, dawg.
Yes!
Woo!
Oh, my God.
R.I.P.
R.I.P.!
I mean, he is wearing
a poncho playing guitar.
This is the most
Bay Area thing ever.
The only thing that could
make it more Bay Area
if he was eating a burrito
and had HIV.
That way! Get the -
I have a stun gun.
Shut the fuck up.
- What?
- I have a stun gun.