Flophouse (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Thunderstorm at Babe Island - full transcript

Yeah! Oh!

Welcome, everyone!

All right.

Welcome to my house.

Welcome to beautiful
Highland Park.

This is where I live.
I'm Solomon Georgio.

This is James.
Hi.

He's one of my boys.

My other boy.
My other boy.

Eric - he also lives here,
as well.

I'm a comedian - Eric Dadourian.



I live in this beautiful house

with Solomon Georgio
and James Johnson.

What's up? My name is Thomas.
I work at Sonic.

I love to rollerblade.
It's my job.

Thank you for having me,
"Room Raiders."

I love to fuck.

Louis C. K., David Cross,
Marc Maron

all lived in a house together
in Boston.

And they would all, like,
help each other write

and like give each other,
like, tags on jokes.

And, like,
James and Solomon and I

will be, like, smoking
cigarettes on the front porch,

and we'll -
it'll just feel like,

"Oh, we're gonna
know each other forever."



There's comedians coming
in and out of town all the time.

Some people stay here
for a night or two,

and that's definitely preferred.

And then...

People
will stay for like two months.

Yeah. Living in L. A.
and, like, making it happen

with this career is very hard.
Yeah.

And yeah, we've had some,
like, extended stay.

Paula Poundstone.
Paula Poundstone.

Paula Poundstone was here for,
I think, 13 months?

So, we're here
in beautiful Highland Park.

Tonight, we're throwing
a great comedy show

here in this beautiful garage,
which we have spray painted.

And I've got
a lot of great art in there.

Let me tell you what.

Uh, this is a dick

that I spray painted
onto this mattress from memory.

My boyfriend, Josh Androsky,
used to live here.

I spent a lot of time
with these balls

in this particular house.

I wrote "Cosby"
here in the corner.

I don't know if you could
just kind of peek that.

That was my tag name
for a long time

when I went to art school.

And this was before, you know,
all the sadness.

I mean,
it was going on at the time,

but we didn't know.

You know, we were in the dark.

The holes are from

when we were all
teaching ourselves

how to shoot arrows

for no particular reason.

From what I've been told,

the lore of this house,

many a comedian have lived here.

There have been many
different types of shows.

Um, it's gonna be great.

I think this is perfect.

We've got the low ceilings,

we've got the nice lights.

we've got the shitty art.

And 20 to 30 chairs,

which will hopefully all be full
by the time night falls.

If not, then you've wasted
a lot of money, Rupert Murdoch.

We've only got one line going.

I'm gonna shoot that -
that GoPro right there.

Yeah.

You'll shoot somebody's eye out!

Look at that shit.

So close.
Sorry about your camera lens.

Guys, please eat your crusts!

Please.

Guess what, guys.

Let's do that goddamn show
right now.

Come on, let's go.

Give it up for Solomon Georgio.
Solomon Georgio.

Ah, you guys,
I'm so happy you're all here.

Welcome to my beautiful,
beautiful home.

I am Solomon Georgio,
AKA, Swallowman Whorgio.

Um...

I, um - mm, something about me.

Uh, gay.
I'm gay? Am I?

Let me check, double check.

I'm openly gay.

Well, you know,
I take a break, uh...

when I can.

I, um, I did come out
to my parents when I was 18

back in the year 2001,

you know, before it was cool.

They're both African immigrants.

Uh, so I don't recommend telling
them that you're gay at all.

Uh...

Write them a letter.

They can't read.
Thank God.

But of course,
my father got upset.

And he said - he literally said
"God hates gay people."

It's wonderful
to hear those words

'cause I'm an atheist.

And telling me
that God hates gay people

is like telling me
a ghost hates my shirt.

Like, I don't...

...I don't care.

I don't believe in ghosts.

So, they can think
whatever they fucking want.

But, okay, let's say I'm not -

let's say -
let's say there is a God.

Then why do I look like
a perfect angel?

What's -

Are you kidding me?
He hates me?

Get out of here.
What are you talking about?

If he really hated gay people,

every gay person would have
little, tiny baby legs...

...and these gigantic hulk arms
they have to walk on,

with just faces
smeared off to the side.

And you're like,
"Oh, my goodness,

God must hate you."

"I know! Look at me!"

My nipples are
hard as fuck right now.

I'm ready for this show.

Every time I do comedy,

every time I'm on stage,

there's a certain point,

if the show's going good,

that my nipples get hard
on stage.

But right now the first time
it's ever happened

is my nipples are hard
before the show.

I've never experienced
this before.

My nipples,
they're hard right now,

and it's a really scary level
of euphoria for me.

Oh, my God,
thank you so much, guys.

Wow. Welcome.

Welcome to our house.
Wow, yeah.

Talking to my mom.

My mom's like my best friend.

I saw her on Mother's Day.

She's so critical of me.

She said, "Oh, my God,

you look like, uh,
al-Qaeda's graphic designer."

Is that true? It's true, huh?
I do, huh?

A little bit.

Okay, so, I'm not -

I'm not, nor have I ever been
al-Qaeda's graphic designer.

Uh, I was ISIS's cinematographer

for a very short spell,

for just a brief period.

Uh...

It was touch and go, you know.

It was -

I left - I left due to
creative differences of course,

you know, on both ends,
on both ends -

for me and for them.

Uh...

You know, I didn't really like
a lot of their politics.

They didn't like the way
I was framing the shots.

They said I was cutting
all the heads off.

I said, "I'm the one?"

I said, "I'm - excuse you!"

I said - no, I got mad.
No, I got mad.

I said for a second,
"No, excuse you.

Who do you think you are?"
You know?

This town, baby, this business,
I don't need it.

No, no, no, no, it's too much.

I can't take it.

Well, my name's Eric Dadourian.

Thank you so much
for coming to my house.

Hey, what's up? We're Nirvana. Welcome
back to "120 minutes with Matt Pinfield."

We're Nirvana.

Hey.
What's up?

People say we're
the voice of a generation.

I'm always
like, "What even is that?

That's, like, messed up."

Like...
We don't even make music.

That is so windy.

Well, you know one rule
about a party -

you can't have a party
without a party boy,

so please give it up
for Brandon Wardell!

Whoo!

And, so, I've -
you know, I've recently -

recently started wearing this,
like, iPhone 5/6 charger

around my neck.

You know, keep a spare 4 on me

in case your girl
needs a charge, you know?

You know? You know.

You know, though, you know,

I don't keep an Android charger
with me, though,

'cause, you know,

I ain't fucking with
these Android hos.

Hey! Hey, you know. Hey.

I -

I think AMBER alert
should be the term

for when there's, like,
too many white girls at a party.

Um, I, uh -

So I do comedy for a living,

which, like,
affects your perception

of, like, what amount of money
is okay.

All right, like, somebody,

as, like, a sad thing
on Facebook, posted,

uh, "Hey, did you know teachers
only make $35,000 a year?"

I saw that. I was like,

"I didn't know teachers
were rich as fuck.

What? That's crazy.

That's a real number?

Damn!"

Sometimes I forget
that I'm a woman.

Not that I don't know that I am,

but I just don't really
think about it, uh,

unless it comes up.

And it only really comes up
in shitty ways.

It never is a good thing.

It's never, like,
my clit twitches,

and I'm like,
"Uh, there's trouble a-brewing.

This is gonna be
a good day today."

It's never that.

It's always something shitty.

For example,
I was recently at a comedy show,

and I was watching a young man

go up on stage
to work on his craft.

And he was talking about
the whole Ray Rice debacle.

Y'all remember that shit?

Ray Rice, if you don't remember,

was a football player
who made a big whoopsie...

...and he hit his girlfriend
and it was caught on camera.

And this guy
was talking about it,

and regarding that,
he said something like,

"If women wanted
to be treated equally to men,

uh, then they should learn
how to take a punch."

Check, please.

Like...

And I really wanted -

I really wanted to be, like,
a good woman about it

and get up and be like,

"I don't think so."

But the audience was like,

"Yeah! Yes! I like it!"

And then I just kind of
sunk back in.

So let's talk about it,
you know?

Let's talk about this issue.

Let's have
a sort of a dialogue -

more of a monologue -

about it,

and let's just say,
for argument,

for shitty argument,

that fighting someone
half your size

is not a fair fight, right?

Let's just say that.

Hey, thank you.
Wow. Thank you so much.

Like, Mike Tyson versus

the dancing baby
from "Ally McBeal"

is not a fair fight.

Oh, is that reference
current enough for anybody?

You don't remember
the first GIF?

World's first GIF, baby!

Dancing baby!

Like, it was cool
that it was a dancing baby,

but why did it
have to dance like that?

'Cause nobody else -

first of its kind.

And I'm not saying that
all women are dancing babies.

I'm not.

I'm just saying that

our bodies
are built differently.

They're way better.

They're so much better.
It's true.

They're so cool to look at
and interesting and complex.

Much like, I don't know,

maybe, like,
the Great Barrier Reef.

Or, I don't know, maybe,
like, the rainforest.

Or other things that have been
destroyed by a man.

Whoo!

Profound.

Um...

- Party people!
- Party people!

Something very unique
is about to happen.

We're gonna have something
called a rap battle.

So I'm gonna need my rhymers.

Who can rap?

It's gonna be a rap battle,

but use nothing but compliments.

Y'all can handle that?

It's gonna be a rap battle,
but use nothing but compliments.

Oh.
Y'all can handle that?

Michael vs. Marcella.

All right,
Mike, you going first.

Give it up for Curtis Cook!

I'm 24 years old
and I'm super baby-crazy,

and I don't know
what's wrong with me, right?

Like, two nights ago,
I had sex with my girlfriend.

I fell asleep, I woke -

and I had a dream where
I was just on the bleachers

to a Little League game,
feeling proud.

I was so happy.

And I looked out,
and I was like,

"Come on, red team.
You've got this. Win it back."

And this dude
next to me was like,

"What are you so excited about?
Your kid's team is losing."

And I was like, "Yeah, but my kid
is trying and trying his hardest,

so I'll support him
through anything."

Then I clocked that dad
in the jaw

for talking shit about my baby.

And I woke up in a cold sweat,
I shot out of bed.

And my girlfriend did that thing

where you love somebody
so you check in,

but you don't want
to have to open your eyes.

She's just like,
"Are you okay?"

And I was like,
"Yes, but I had a dream.

We have to get you pregnant."

And then she shot out of bed,

looked me right in the eye,
and said,

"You're ruining my life."

So that's where we are
right now.

This is -

I'm so grossed out right now,
honestly.

I need to go home and, like -

actually, my shower's
kind of gross.

That's the only bad thing
about my apartment.

Does your house have a mattress

laying in the living-room floor?

Dude, get a shot
of the mattress.

It's like, "Hey, can I crash
here for a while?

I'm a fucking keyboard."

Alice Wetterlund.

Uh, it's such a fun house
to be at, right?

It's cool. It's like a fun place
to live - mattress on the floor.

But it's like, what if you get
a cold in this house?

If you get a cold, do you just
go right to the hospital?

Do you go right there

and you just ask them
to kill you immediately?

"My house is made of germs."

I travel,
uh - travel quite a bit.

I hate traveling for too long,

especially if
I go to somewhere lame.

I was in Montana.
Anybody been there?

Been to Montana?

Were you really there?

Did you see any black people
in Montana?

No one ever has.
I've asked that 1,000 times.

Um, what'd you do, Montana?

It's really weird.

I grew up in cities.

I don't like being somewhere

where there's only white people.

I don't like being some-

It makes me uncomfortable.
You know what I mean?

'Cause if you're in a place

where there's no black people
at all,

you - then I know
I'm getting a DUI.

Do you know what I mean?
'Cause I...

You know, bored-ass cops.

Nothing to do.

And I did.

And so I was in Montana
longer than I wanted to be,

and that's how I discovered
this really cool type of music

that probably
you haven't heard of yet,

but it's gonna be
your favorite thing.

It's called new country.

Yeah, I know.

There was ol-There was country,

and now that's old country,
I guess, right?

Go to the buffet. You're old.

'Cause new country is the shit,
all right?

If you've heard
one new-country song,

you've heard every single
new-country song.

Basically,
it's the same general premise,

and that's great, right?

Every single song
is basically like,

"Hey - hey, man.

Hell, what the fuck?

I'm just like you.

I'm just fucking - we get it.

You know what it's like to be,
like, fucking down home,

buttons up, shirt -

pant one leg at a time,
motherfucker.

You get it.

I'll just drive down a road.

Maybe it's a dirt road.
I don't give a shit,

'cause I'm American
and normal as fuck.

I don't know about no Wi-Fi.

I don't need no Wi-Fi.
What's Wi-Fi? I don't know.

I don't need more than
a smaller child and chicken fry

'cause I'm just an average,
normal, run-of-the mill -

I'll fall in love,
get my heart broke.

Small-town girl -
You know what I'm saying?

It's fucking -

I'm a normal, average,

run-of-the-mill,
just like you."

It's like you're an alien
trying to blend in.

That's...

...what it sounds like
to me.

Wait a minute.

What?
All right, that seems like

you're definitely an alien.

There's a song
on the radio right now,

on new-country radio
called "Dirt."

The song's called "Dirt."

Do you guys know
what it's about?

It's about fucking dirt.

The song is about dirt.

Yeah, we - no,
'cause we're not from space.

That's not a thing
you write a song about,

you fucking space person.

All right, you guys,
thanks so much.

I'm Alice Wetterlund.

When you're in a place
like this and it's raining,

it's even grosser.

Like, a cozy place
becomes more cozy.

A gross becomes
8,000 times grosser

when it's raining outside,

because the only way
this place could be worse

is if it was wet.

And it's gonna get wet.

We're coming down fast.
Hold on!

I seen a squall like this once.

Hold on, folks!

Hold on! Don't let your laughter
float away.

If you're sitting out there
with a beer cup, cover it up.

You don't want any water in it.

What the fuck?

I feel like
I'm in the first 20 minutes

of "The Wreck of
the Edmund Fitzgerald"

by Gordon Lightfoot.

Here we are in millennial times.

I want to know who the asshole
is at Newsweek magazine

who gets to decide
when there's a new generation

that needs to be shamed
and categorized.

Like, do they freeze him

and they, like, get him
out of ice every 12 years,

and he's like - he's like,
"I can feel my body.

It must be time.

Bring me the young ones.

Let me examine them
for failures.

This one
doesn't work hard enough."

Shut the fuck up.

I live in Los Feliz,
right near here.

It's a great neighborhood.

I live in Los Feliz

because I'm gay
and I'm also Armenian,

and that's the only -

it's the only neighborhood

where those are allowed
to overlap.

Everywhere else in Los Angeles,

they're like,
"Armenian? What?"

or, "Gay? No such thing."

But Los Feliz is halfway between
Glendale and Silver Lake.

They're like, "Let's come to
an arrangement of some kind."

Los Feliz
is a good neighborhood.

It's not perfect, though.

You see some rough stuff
sometimes.

The other day,
I saw an accident.

I saw a smart car get t-boned
by a guy walking and texting.

The smart car was totaled,

but luckily the iPhone had
a pretty good case on it.

And I heard they're gonna
keep it out of the court system

because they're both writing
partners on the same sitcom.

I'm taking Los Feliz
down a notch.

In my neighborhood, there's -

there's a crazy guy
who walks around yelling things,

and nothing he says is wrong,
though.

Like, everything he says,
I'm like, "Yeah, I agree."

Like, he was walking around,
yelling things like,

"The banks
are criminal organizations

that are cannibalizing
the country!"

And I'm like,
"Well, duh. We all know that.

It's just 4:00 in the morning.
That's all."

Then I heard him one time.

I swear to God,

I heard him shout a lyric
from a Talking Heads song.

And later in the day,
I heard the Talking Heads song,

and I was like, "I knew it.

That's - I - He -
That's what he shouted."

it made me realize
that the Talking Heads -

their lyrics just sound like

what a crazy guy
shouts in the streets,

because what he said was,

"There is water
at the bottom of the ocean!

This is not my house!

This is not my beautiful wife!"

What a night.

All these treats we've had,

all these things we've done,

all the drugs we took,

all the booze we drank.

But you know what?

Every night
has to come to an end.

And I want to say to you guys,

"Get the fuck out of my house.

Turn the lights off
on your way out.

A diva's
got to get her rest."

- Curtis!
- Curtis!

Curtis!
- Curtis!

I'm gonna do a keg stand?
Yeah, we're gonna lift you up.

Is there enough people for
- Yeah, yeah.

Can someone explain
the physics of this first?

You guys got him?
Does anybody get -

Is it going?
Are you drinking?

One, two.
- Three.

- We need to count down from 20, right?
- 5, 6, 7,

8, 9, 10,
- Give it a few pumps.

11, 12...
It's rotating.

13, 14, 15, 16, 17...

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - He's kicking!
He's kicking! Let him down! Let him down!

- Oh, my God! He's coming down!

- Oh!
- Oh, my God!

- Oh!
- Yeah!

- Oh, no!
- Oh, shit.

Oh, God!

Aah!

Hey, go Vice. America.

Hey, thanks, everybody.

Well, that's not how
it's supposed to be done.

That's so great.

No, that's not how
it's supposed to be done at all.

You do it.
Okay.

Do you guys think my shoes
are still okay, or no?