Flophouse (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Haircuts at Babe Island - full transcript
Welcome back here
to my beautiful home.
I am Solomon Georgio,
and it's my goddamn birthday.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Huppah!
- It didn't even spray.
Aw, fuck it.
- Yeah, that's right, baby.
Go away!
Go away!
Oh, they're going
into the window.
They're going into that window.
- Got to stop doing it like a dick.
- Come on, man.
I've been treating it
like it's -
Don't be gay about everything.
That is the gayest way
anyone's told me not to be gay.
Yeah.
Let's get some haircuts going.
- All right, that's it.
- Oh, wait.
- Right on the tour?
- Who's cutting hair?
- You're cutting his -
- Who's cutting hair?
Yeah.
I'm a professional.
What the fuck?
that's so funny.
- You ready to do this?
- I am.
You're going to
have to coach me on it.
All right,
you see where this part is? Yeah.
You see that?
Yeah, yeah.
You think we could get that
back, word? Yeah.
And it's just a really,
like, a simple line, right?
Yeah, just like a line
that goes in.
Okay, face - face -
turn - turn this way
so I get more light.
All right.
When you say it goes like that,
did it starts there.
Yeah, it kind of - exactly,
'cause you can really just follow
what's already there. Yeah.
it's just making it clean
and not too wide.
Because if it's too wide it
look like a gash in my hair...
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
....like I got hit in the head.
Have you ever done a part before, is this
- No, first part.
Whoo! We're about to rock this shit.
All right.
Once you learn
how to cut this part,
you can work at any black
barbershop in the world. Really?
You'll be good.
Oh, shit.
I have a hat, if you totally fuck this
up, we'll be all right.
I'm gonna make it so clean.
I'm gonna make it clean.
I'm not even doubting myself.
I believe in you.
You've given me
so much confidence.
Oh, I see.
This isn't that hard.
Is it all the way to the skin
or almost to the skin?
Yeah, all the way, like.
This is it.
Yes.
Yeah, it's happening?
Yeah.
Dope.
Tell me, look at that.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
See how - yeah, see how
you making it like -
so you see it from the front?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Yep. Yep. Yep.
Is it too thick?
Is it too wide? Nah.
Nah, nah, we good, I think.
I think we - I think -
I think it happened.
Would someone
think a professional did that?
Nah.
No?
Damn it.
I'm so happy you're all here.
You're all being young,
you're all having fun,
you're all getting drunk,
you're all making bad decisions.
You ready to start this show?
Please give it up for Sam Jay!
Boston.
Just moved to L. A.,
yeah, just moved here.
I don't know how to feel yet.
I don't know it's still -
it's just still weird, I miss -
I miss the edge
of the East Coast.
I miss that edge.
I miss that prejudice.
I miss knowing I'm being judged
at every corner.
It's a little
too embracing in L. A.
Like, I was just home recently.
I was at a restaurant.
I went to the bathroom -
walked in the bathroom,
scared the shit out of
an old, white lady
as soon as I walked in.
I walked in, she jumped
out of her skin, ran out.
It felt great, felt amazing.
Felt amazing!
Felt so good, because I knew
she was scared on two levels.
On one level, she was like,
"oh, there's a man
in the bathroom."
And on the next level,
she was like,
"oh, there's a black man
in the bathroom."
Dope.
No one's scared here.
No one cares.
Old, white ladies
don't care about me.
I was walking down Santa Monica
the other night,
an old, white lady
walked up to me, hugged me,
and whispered in my ear,
"I voted for you."
Like, what?
What does that even mean?
But I'm trying
to be knowledgeable.
I try to watch stuff, right.
I started to get into, um,
like angry, white man TV,
like all the Fox stuff,
you know.
Whatever comes on Fox,
I'm watching.
And I love it,
'cause these dudes,
these talking head dudes,
these old, angry, white dudes
they have on Fox,
they always lose their mind
for no real reason.
It's hard to keep up with them
'cause they're mad
all the time -
about what, you don't know.
It's hard to keep track.
It's hard to keep track.
They just mad, mad, mad.
They always get to a point
in their rhetoric
where they talk about how
they're losing the country -
that is their favorite thing.
Like, "we're losing the country.
We're losing the country."
I'm always confused,
because everywhere I look,
white men are still buying
L. L. Bean.
And I'm just like,
if you can afford
to monogram a bathrobe,
you are doing okay, sir.
What exactly have you lost?
And then I watch three seasons
of "Mad Men" -
you lost every fucking thing,
holy shit.
Whoa!
Jesus, man.
'Cause at some point,
that was really
a white man's life.
That was how he got to live
in America every day.
He'd wake up in the morning,
another woman's smell
all over his body,
bourbon on his breath,
runs downstairs,
kiss his wife in the mouth,
she says nothing,
just serves him the pancakes
with the perfect, butter square
in the middle
like an Aunt Jemima box.
He's hearty like a man,
gets in his
American-made Cadillac,
swerves all the way to work.
Gets to his job, runs upstairs.
Secretary greets him
with double "D" boobs.
He screws her right there
in the middle of the office.
He doesn't hesitate,
pulls it out, and does her.
Soon as he's done,
she tells him she's pregnant.
He fires her.
"You're fired!
Get the fuck out of my office.
Who told you to get pregnant,
whore, get out of here."
Goes in his office,
sleeps off his hang over,
wakes up, goes
to a business lunch,
gets drunk again,
then gets a promotion.
And that's
what he did every day.
And then,
like, women started thinking,
and black people wanted
to eat sandwiches next to them,
and it all went to shit, man.
This party boy has been here
since the first one,
and he's going
to be here forever,
partying till eternity.
Please give it up
for Brandon Wardell.
Guys, so I'm not like, -
I'm not like a classically
handsome guy, right?
But I'm not like,
bad-looking either.
I just have like a unique look,
right?
Like, I look like,
like what a Japanese businessman
jerks off to.
Like that's -
That's the look I'm -
I look like an anime
character, right?
Like, I look like
a Japanese person's
drawing of a white person.
I was -
I was driving my car recently,
and a leaf,
like, fell on my windshield,
and I thought,
"oh, wow, it's like a -
it's like a tree
gave me a ticket, right?"
And then I thought, uh,
"oh, wow,
I'm too fucking high to drive."
Real quick, any -
any of y'all like to cum?
What's up?
Cum-heads in the building,
what's up?
What's up, cum-heads?
Yeah, what's up?
Man, I love - I love to cum.
I love to cum.
Uh, I uh -
I didn't - I - I, like,
didn't start having sex
until like 21, though.
Um, I'm 22, uh, whatever.
Um - But, uh -
Like, there was, like,
a point when I was, like, 18,
and I was, like,
living at my parents,
and, uh, my mom, like,
found weed in my room, right?
And she confronted me about it.
She was like, "oh, what's this -
what's this weed?"
And I was like,
"it's good for me."
Which is a weird answer
to that question.
And, then, that just, like,
led her on, like,
a series of, like, other,
like, bad-boy
lifestyle questions, right.
So she was like, "oh, are you -
are you, like, having sex?"
And I was like,
"yes, absolutely!"
Because I didn't want my mom
to think I was a nerd.
No!
No!
Yeah.
Oh, my god.
I don't even want to open this.
No, I didn't either.
I don't want to.
Aw, thank you, dear.
Michael Jackson dress up set.
It will never be opened.
Are you still, uh -
I'm wondering what your -
No.
With my parents?
I would never
consider doing that -
I'm really, like -
'cause my fear is going,
"really?"
well, I would never "stay"
with my parents for a year.
I would never do that.
Kate Berlant.
Umm, who's going to
puke tonight?
Huh? Cool.
So, there's a loser.
Um...
I realized recently -
I realized recently
that I'm interested in
re-imagining the act of puking
as a precious moment
in your life,
where... where you're able
to just briefly shed
the prison of your personality.
Has anyone ever thought of this?
I realized recently
that it was really the first time
that my mask
completely dropped in adulthood.
And for those few moments,
you know,
my past, my taste in art -
you know, wasn't with me.
It was just this puke -
the absolute, visceral purity
of the experience was -
I - I sobbed, honestly.
And, at the time,
I looked up into the mirror
and tears were
streaming down my face.
And I was, like,
"you're gorgeous," first of all.
"Oh, my God."
You know,
I was like you, you know,
I also didn't know
who my birth mother was,
and...
you know, still don't.
Sometimes I wonder,
is that why I do this?
You know, is my mother -
"is she here? No."
Right, so, I -
How many more shows.
How many more -
How many more people's lives
will I infiltrate?
Many.
Because it's media.
Who here thinks
media is not important?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
That's what I thought.
And I think
we can all be united.
You know,
we can all be united tonight,
even if the only fact
that we all work for Google,
I think that alone -
That alone can sustain us,
and it can, and it will.
Are there only children
in here, tonight?
Yeah, man.
Okay, clearly, right?
"Me! Me! me! Me!"
You know.
I'm an only child too,
that's why, you know,
this makes sense.
But, um, I actually like
being an only child.
I think
I've recently discovered,
if for the only fact
that I don't have to live
under just the crushing weight
of the sexual tension
that I...
...that I know exists
among siblings.
And I see a lot of people
kind of,
"Oh, god, the truth."
You know, they really -
A lot of people getting upset,
even tearing up,
thinking about the connection.
And it's okay.
I think it's strange
and impossible to ignore,
because I just know for myself,
without any question,
inevitably,
there would be a time
where I'd be like,
"Jason, stop."
You're so annoying.
Don't - don't tell mom, please,
I'll do... anything.
I own several -
several cotton candy kiosks
all the around the city.
I wanted to be the guy -
I don't want to make
the cotton candy.
I don't want to
put the machine together.
But I want to be there,
all the time.
- Yay!
- Witness the end.
You got it.
Boom, there it is.
Hey, Eric, get in there.
All right, lift me then
put my head in there.
All right.
Get up in there.
I feel really good.
I feel strong.
I feel healthy.
I feel really focused,
for the first time in my life,
I think.
And there's, like,
a real motor in there,
and my head's, like,
crazy close to it.
But, like, if this is my time,
this is my time, you know.
I feel like it's cool.
I feel like this is something -
this is for,
like, families, like,
and like, not just, like, the hipsters.
You know what I mean?
Like -
Save it for the stage, Romeo,
get in there.
I feel like this is something
that a lot of audiences
can get into.
That's cool.
If I can do that as an artist,
like, that's cool.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
I wanted to eat it
off of your head.
Oh, gross.
I feel like the creative session
I have is awkward.
Yeah, I know.
Don't you hate parties?
They're the worst.
Sorry, one second.
Hey, mom.
Hey, can you come pick me up?
I don't want to talk about it.
I just need to go now.
I recently joined, uh, Grindr.
Um, In case you've never
heard of it,
it's a hook-up app
for mostly gay monsters.
Um...
Myself included.
Uh...
The first message
I received on Grindr
was from Douglas,
and it read exactly as follows.
"Hey, Brent.
Saw your profile.
Thought you were cute.
Just so you know,
I'm just the typical,
58-year-old...
HIV-positive top...
...looking for
a night of fun.
No strings attached."
Douglas, Jesus Christ.
That was the single
most terrifying message...
...I've ever received
in my entire life.
By the way,
I can't think
of a single interaction
with more strings attached...
...than meeting you tonight.
I actually think
if you printed out that message
and used a time machine,
to travel back to 2003,
five minutes before I came out
to my family,
and showed me that message
with a warning that said,
"This will become your future,"
I would have said, "Oh, fuck it.
Pussy ain't so bad."
Clare, am I cutting your hair?
You're cutting my hair.
Holy shit, I'm so scared.
I just want a trim.
You just want the same haircut,
just a little shorter?
Yeah, that would be great.
A little more, like, scalped?
Your hair's so perfect...
It's okay.
...I'm just ruining it.
I'm ruining
a perfectly nice haircut.
If you fuck it up,
I'll just burn it all off.
Okay.
It's fine.
It looks beautiful.
Clare, can I have a little bit
of your hair?
Do you want
to keep it for later?
Just, like, a little bit.
Yeah, just grab it.
Just for like...
Wait.
You should get a little glue.
Yeah.
Can we just -
can we just hold on to,
like, a lot of the hair
that we cut today?
Did I do that?
Right in the middle
of a haircut, too.
Seven years of bad haircuts.
I'm fine.
I want a haircut.
Yeah, get up here.
You want to look less disheveled?
Yeah.
More professional?
Less - like, yeah.
How do you feel about it?
I really like it.
It looks really good.
Yeah.
Would you think
a professional did that?
I think so.
Um, yes.
Okay. Do you want money or...?
Yeah.
Do you want -
Is that what you're trying to say?
Yeah, exactly.
Do you like...
I got a fiver somewhere.
I'll find you.
Okay, thanks.
Recently, I was on a road trip,
and my phone died,
so I was forced to reminisce.
And I tried to think about
the first time
I was ever catcalled.
"Uh-oh,
another women's issue."
This set is sponsored by
"Period Blood," though,
so I do just have to give it up
to "Period Blood."
Can we give it up
to Period Blood?
Just real quick. Thank you.
I'm going to do a quick ad spot.
I got a wife and kid to feed,
if that's okay with you.
And we're ready, Todd,
with the bangs.
All right, here we go.
Period Blood.
Here we go again y'all.
Aaahhhhh!
That's copy, right?
So, I was thinking about...
I was thinking about the first
time I was ever catcalled,
which was in front of a church -
"Ooh, beautiful Catholic church
in beautiful
San Jose, California -
and I was 13 years old,
and I'm walking past
this church,
and I see a guy sitting
on the stoop of the church.
And he looks at me
as I walk past,
and he goes, "Damn.
You're going to be
fine as fuck...
...when you get older."
Which, now looking back on it,
wow, what a progressive
statement, you know.
He was talking about
the future me,
not the present -
that would've been
very inappropriate.
And I also started
thinking about
how I reacted to it at the time,
and I really didn't know
how to feel about it,
because all
I really knew about that
was what I saw -
what happened
to women in the movies,
when that happened, you know?
Like when a construction worker
would be like,
"Hey, hot tits."
And then she would be like,
"Ah, the big city or whatever"
and have
the best day of her life.
She got that job,
she met the artist, you know.
But I didn't feel that way.
I didn't feel that way.
I remember just
kind of standing there
and being like, "Oh, well.
That was a nice thing to say.
That's nice.
Oh, but I don't feel very good.
And I kind of want to go home."
But then I thought
about it some more,
I thought about it some more,
I thought about it
a little more.
And then I looked in the mirror,
and I thought,
"Damn. You know what?
He was right, dude.
I'm fine as fuck!
Aah! Oh, no.
Oh no."
Anyway. That's it for me.
Very special.
It's very special.
It's for our special boy.
And we love you very much.
We love you very much,
and we just want you to be
the truth that you are.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh!
- Wait, look at the little angel.
- Look at the little angel you.
Oh, my God.
- It is -
- It's him as the Mother Mary.
And a little baby me
at the bottom.
Yeah!
This is the part of the show
that I like to call,
"My Roommate Block."
The one, the only,
Eric Dadourian.
When I was 20,
I got a pomegranate
tattooed on my right arm.
'Cause I used to do
hella crystal meth.
Right, like, so much -
like so much meth.
My mom was so mad at me.
My mom was like,
"You got a tattoo. Wow."
And I was like, "Mom,
if you knew how much meth
I'm also doing right now,
you'd be so mad at me.
You'd be so mad at me."
I'll tell you about this.
I'll tell you, I -
holidays, huh?
Wow, families.
Families, I go - holidays.
My partner's place,
she lives in Maryland
with her family.
She's got two sister... s.
Wow. Wow.
What, do you laugh at me,
because I'm ESL?
'Cause I'm ESL.
No. No.
No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no.
I'm - yes, I am.
I was pushed out of
Beirut, Lebanon
in the early '80s
by a very hostile regime.
My mother's womb -
my mother's womb.
I'm ESL.
I'm an immigrant baby.
No, she's - no, my partner,
she's got two sisters.
She's got an older sister.
She's got a husband -
Her older sister's
got a husband.
He's a tenured
physics professor.
My partner's
got a younger sister.
Her younger sister's
got a husband.
He's a public defender
in D. C.
And my girlfriend,
she's got a boyfriend,
who wrote this joke.
So, I mean -
she's not doing too bad, huh?
I don't want to drink all of it.
No-no, you have to.
That was such a baby-bird sip.
- Yes!
- There it is.
It's good stuff.
He's a beautiful,
beautiful baby,
and he's always,
always hilarious.
Please give it up,
for James Austin Johnson.
Somebody told me recently
that I look like a picture
of a grandfather
from when he was young.
Y'all getting that from me?
Cool.
You ever go to church
on an off-season day -
you ever dragged to church
on a day that's not
Christmas or Easter
or one of the normal ones
you might be in that room for?
You're just there
with all the diehards.
And they've heard
"Amazing Grace" a billion times.
They're done with it.
They just want to hear
b-sides and rarities.
You ever get stuck with
the b-sides and rarities people
at a church somewhere?
I went to church with my family
back in Nashville.
And I don't even know
if this is a real song.
Like, this is - I don't think -
even think this is,
like, theologically sound.
But I heard this song,
and I just wanted
to check and see.
Uh, so, tell me
if this is a real song.
I need to know if this is real.
Anybody, is that a real song?
You don't just wish it?
That's not real?
Hey, Jonah! Will you, uh, pop off
these "Apocalypse Now"
smoke bombs for the drone?
Two. Three.
Go.
Looks like the end
of a "Batman" movie outside.
I brought NASCAR stickers.
In case anybody...
Oh, put one on mine.
...did a good job.
Oh, do I have to earn it?
No, you did -
the thing is that this is -
Well, I've heard that saying
something is a participation medal
is the equivalent of a putdown,
so I'm not gonna say that.
It's specialized.
Yeah. Find a nice place.
Oh.
I don't know. That's good.
Oh, wow,
It's like a vision board
that I can carry around with me.
Uh, this lady, who I know,
she did
"Orange is The New Black."
And then here's another lady.
She's athletic,
and she's smiling.
You know? She's pumped.
Here's some other people
who seem happy,
and they're living their lives
and doing things.
I - I just like pictures
of people.
I - I am just like it was
when I was five.
I like pictures of fit people
doing things.
This is a letter from my mom
saying all the things
she's proud of me for.
I drew the hearts.
Please give it up
for Maria Bamford.
I feel so embarrassed.
I dripped
some pizza grease on my...
...On my crotch.
But that makes it more special.
Right?
Doesn't it, Vice?
I was an old, old bride.
Uh - Oh, what is it,
a specter from the attic?
And, uh -
My husband and I,
we've been having a lot of sex,
A lot of fudging and wedging,
lotions and potions,
unguents and poultices,
and gems and jellies,
and sauces and salsas,
and mustards and custards,
and foams and soups,
and soothing milks,
and hustle and bustle,
hustle and bustle, hustle and bustle.
Hammer! Anvil!
Hammer! Anvil!
Hammer! Anvil!
No, nothing's been consummated.
But, we've been doing
some furious hand holding
and our palms
are raw with desire.
My husband and I,
we go see a - a therapist,
uh, because, uh,
we don't know what we're doing.
and we, uh, uh -
It's helping.
We have written a song
about her.
That's really all that matters.
Don't judge her for that.
A lot of people
are comforted by it.
And I'm like,
"Hey, can I have one of those?"
So powerful.
Oh, yes!
Uh, it's not
the penis writing game.
It's a penis ring toss game.
- What?!
- Okay, that's fun.
But not as fun as the cage fight.
Party's started!
Turn around.
Turn around.
Turn around.
No, the other way. Whoa.
There's always a camera on me,
because I'm the highest
profile person here.
- Oh, okay.
- Obviously.
Um, I don't perform, though.
- I just get on camera.
- This is performing.
And people think,
Oh, that's - it's that guy.
It's that guy.
Mesmerizo!
Pshew!
Whoosh!
Pshew!
Pshew!
Pshew!
Mesmerizo!
Whoosh!
Pshew!
Mesmerizo!
All right, here we go.
I'm going to do a song.
Here we go.
This song is called
"Applebees...
We found a way
to fuck up salad."
Here we go.
Thank you,
give it up for my deejay.
Thank you.
This song is called
"Sexual Epiphany at Baja Fresh."
Before I got into the rap game,
I had to do a lot
of creative things
to keep the ladies interested.
This song is called,
"Buy You Clothes,
do you in them,
Take 'em back."
My friend, Amber Kenny.
And this is, like, about
L. A. comedy scene.
We're always looking out
for each other.
I was like, I moved.
I broke up with my girlfriend.
I moved into this room.
I didn't have a bed.
And she's like, "I have a bed.
I'm moving in with my
boyfriend," which is like funny.
But... But she's like,
"Um, and here's the thing,
there's this one thing,
and this would only be
a compliment to, like, you.
You would only think, like -
like, the mattress
has hella period stains on it."
And then it is also,
beyond all that,
the most comfortable bed
I've ever slept -
And I slept on a -
- Can I see the stains?
- I slept on a -
- I want to see -
And I slept on
a California king.
I slept on a California king.
- Where are they?
This is the - this is the best.
- What?!
- That's what I'm saying.
- What?!
- That's what I'm saying.
What? This is what L.
A. comedy is like.
This is family.
- Oh, my God!
This is what family looks like.
So, we're going
to have a rap battle.
That's what's about to happen,
you guys.
Can you handle that shit right now?
- Can I get Greg Edwards on this mike?
- Ohh!
Oh, I'm starting, right?
All right.
All right. All right.
Thank you so much.
Ohh!
Yeah, what's up?
My name's Marcella.
I'm very tall for a woman.
Let's fucking talk about it.
Let's not waste anybody's time.
I'm 6'2".
I don't play basketball.
I don't play volleyball.
I'm not a model.
And since I have
everybody's attention,
just want to let you all know,
the tops of your refrigerators
are fucking disgusting.
Clean 'em up.
Uh, ever since I was a kid,
I've been called giraffe,
which really offends me.
As a proud,
girafferican-American.
All right, that was dumb.
I can admit when I'm wrong.
Um, I, uh, get mistaken
for a man all the time.
That sucks.
I don't like
when I get mistaken for a man.
It kind of hurts my feelings.
I had a little girl
recently run up to me.
Uh, I was - I was dressed
pretty similar to this,
except I wasn't wearing makeup,
and I was wearing my glasses,
and my hair was pulled back
real low.
This little girl runs up to me.
She's like,
"Are you a boy or a girl?"
"Are you a boy or a girl?"
Now, I didn't know what to say,
so I looked at her mother
to like correct, interject,
just be a fucking parent, right.
And the mother looked at me
like, "Well?"
"Are you a boy or a girl?"
So I looked backed
to the little girl, and I said,
"Honey, I'm just
like you and your mom -
a rude piece of shit."
No, no, I didn't say that.
I pushed her.
I wish you could've been with me
through my journey to the show.
Where did these two go?
There were people here.
This is not going
to cut together well.
But anyway,
I had this whole thing.
I was going to be like,
"Yeah, you're roasted,
motherfucker."
And I was gonna go, "Blah."
I was going to do
a whole jerk off thing,
but they left, and they're
super lucky that they did.
Anyway, there's a lot -
Okay, uh, there's a pizza,
a slice of pizza
in the front row.
I can say that.
These two audience members,
they decided to jet
before I started
my beautiful genius-situation.
But ol' pizza fucking split.
The leftovers of
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
crime factory that was here.
What do you do
for a living, sir?
It would be so cool if, like,
there was an Italian voice
that just like,
"Uh, I'ma just pizza."
"This is a question
that make no sense.
In a way,
when you think about it,
how can a piece of pizza
really have a job?
It's already done it's job.
Um, I guess I sustain life
in Italy" or whatever -
this is my best
Italian that I do.
That's as good
as it gets for me.
I, uh, Oh, man,
you should've seen me
when I pulled up to the show
tonight, by the way.
This is - by the way,
I've been doing comedy
a long time.
Worst venue
I've ever performed in.
By a fact -
By a factor of I can't -
I don't know math,
but, like, it's crazy out there.
Like, Stephen Hawking
would have to wheel in
and be like,
I can't figure out
what you mean."
But, I'm sorry - okay,
can we cut that all out, everybody?
Okay, good.
And my - the attitude
that I pulled up with, though,
like, I - I, like -
you should have seen me.
I - I like, rolled down
my window.
I got power windows,
which is really like -
that just speaks to the success
I've had in Hollywood.
And...
...I pulled up, and I fucking
clicked the thing down,
and there's
like a security guard,
and I'm like,
"Uh, artist parking, please?"
And he's like - he was just
like, "Hey, brah."
And he was - I don't -
He barely worked here,
like he kind of just was, like,
brown-bagging night train,
while we we're
having interaction.
But if they could have
just showed me a picture
of the venue I would've been
performing in
and juxtaposed it with my,
like, valet parking question.
Like, I would have
just been like,
"I'm so sorry that
I - I can't do.
There's a fucking arrow
in the wall."
Just so the people at home know,
the framing - I was looking
at the framing of the shot.
They had framed it so you
can't see the word "cum" here.
So it just, like, says,
"Um," or whatever.
But it says cum on the wa-
This has not been -
there was no, like,
cool MTV set decorator,
like, "Hmm,
let's make a set, like,
like, mm, white people
pretending to be impoverished,"
kind of a thing.
No, this is really
what someone's life looks like.
And countries are fake.
Like - like, straight up,
this is, uh, uh -
this is definitely
a white teenager's
first acid trip - 100%.
Like, the kind of discipline
it took that person's mind
not to spell "countries"
"c-u-n-t-r-i-e-s,"
I can't even understand
how that happened.
Like, it doesn't -
Like, I bet that person
right now is weeping
at their - their -
that they - that -
at the opportunity
that they missed.
But anyway, I had an opportunity
to not perform here,
and I missed that as well.
So, okay, so -
But also - okay, so the framing,
just so you know -
like, you won't be able to know,
because you're
watching right now.
You're like wha-like, sort of
disinterestedly watching
as you, you know, thumb through
"The Anarchist Cookbook"
or whatever, wherever you are.
This is to the audience at home,
like, in the future
they've cut it all together,
you know what I mean?
I've already -
like, definitely, I'm
the most downloaded clip,
because I've committed
suicide tonight.
Like, something like,
"Hmm. We got to figure out
what happened that evening.
Like, why did he jump
into the L. A. river?
Like no one's ever
done that before.
He broke his neck.
He was eaten by the homeless."
Anyway, so,
just I can get to the end
of what I'm trying to do here.
Cum has been framed out, right?
But then there's another shot
with this,
"Guys! Come on!"
And to me that was like -
Okay, so now
you decide to join us?
Get in the fucking seat.
Do you think you know - look -
you see how freeform and sort
of genius level I am at this.
Like, how do you think
I felt in the back,
knowing you would be up front?
I was, like, fucking so excited.
You know what I mean?
Like, you're so colorful
and exciting.
Like, I was like -
Hey, shut the fuck up!
No, I'm sorry,
that was very aggressive,
I'm sorry.
What do you call... you?
I don't know, you're like -
like, uh -
like, you're cool.
Oh, you're an artist.
That's cool.
The right answer was
"fuck you."
That would've been
the only correct -
But that's all right.
you're an artist.
Yeah, me too.
I'm an artist in a weird way.
But I've been talking about cum
for 1-minutes
and trying to find
an exit point.
Is that the kind of art you do?
No? Okay. Anyway -
Oh, my God.
Yes! Get it!
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Hit it in the booty,
booty, booty, booty!
- Whoo!
- Oooh!
Oh, yes.
Yes! Beat it!
Yummy!
Thanks, Solomon.
Uh, I had to wake up
early today.
I told my friend
I had to wake up early.
He gives me on of these.
He goes,
"You know, the nice thing
about waking up early?
You get
a lot of stuff done."
Yeah.
You ever hear this shit?
I'm like,
"Yeah, you know what sucks?
Doing stuff."
Doing like, anything, sucks,
especially during the daytime.
Daytime is the worst time
to do anything.
Nothing good has ever
happened during the day.
Think about it - daytime.
It's when everybody has to
go to school.
It's when we have to
go work at their jobs.
9/11 happened during the day.
Like, first thing
in the morning, guys.
Yeah, rough.
Daytime sucks.
Nighttime is where it's at -
we're hanging out,
we're drinking, we're laughing.
People might even fuck later.
Think about it.
Like, 9 out of 10 fucks
happen at night.
That's just math.
9 out of ten 11's
happen during the day.
Nighttime is all-around
cooler than daytime.
If you still don't believe me,
think about the two things
that we associate most
with night and day.
Daytime - the sun.
The sun...
is a fucking loser.
The sun is the nerdy kids
in the front seat of class.
Same spot everyday.
Nothing better going on.
Total buzzkill.
If you look at the sun too long,
you go blind.
If you don't wear
enough sunscreen,
you get cancer.
And in a billion years,
the sun will explode and destroy
everything we've ever known.
Not very tight.
Meanwhile, the moon...
is dope.
The moon is so chill,
that sometimes at night,
it doesn't even show up.
It's got better shit going on.
Sometimes it's big and red
for no reason, all wilin' out.
Sometime it shows up
during the day
and crashes the sun's shit.
Like, "let's do this nerd.
Pre-gaming 2:00 P. M.
Party tonight at my place,
outer space."
The moon is cool.
The only time
that the sun is ever cool,
is during an eclipse,
when the moon is like...
"he's with me.
Horizon, like, grind on,
like, a butt -
Something. Yeah.
Is any of this going to
actually be in the edit?
Gonna decorate
Solomon's birthday cake.
Here we go!
H- a -
I've already fucked it up.
And it's never going back.
It looks bad, and it's just
gonna keep looking bad.
Perfect.
If that works for cable.
Do we have a - Do we have -
Do we sit it?
Solomon can't spell.
Where is the c-a-k-e?
Is it in the k-i-t-c-h?
Whoo!
I got my only wish -
a cigarette.
You're marvelous.
Stay alive.
Yeah!
to my beautiful home.
I am Solomon Georgio,
and it's my goddamn birthday.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Huppah!
- It didn't even spray.
Aw, fuck it.
- Yeah, that's right, baby.
Go away!
Go away!
Oh, they're going
into the window.
They're going into that window.
- Got to stop doing it like a dick.
- Come on, man.
I've been treating it
like it's -
Don't be gay about everything.
That is the gayest way
anyone's told me not to be gay.
Yeah.
Let's get some haircuts going.
- All right, that's it.
- Oh, wait.
- Right on the tour?
- Who's cutting hair?
- You're cutting his -
- Who's cutting hair?
Yeah.
I'm a professional.
What the fuck?
that's so funny.
- You ready to do this?
- I am.
You're going to
have to coach me on it.
All right,
you see where this part is? Yeah.
You see that?
Yeah, yeah.
You think we could get that
back, word? Yeah.
And it's just a really,
like, a simple line, right?
Yeah, just like a line
that goes in.
Okay, face - face -
turn - turn this way
so I get more light.
All right.
When you say it goes like that,
did it starts there.
Yeah, it kind of - exactly,
'cause you can really just follow
what's already there. Yeah.
it's just making it clean
and not too wide.
Because if it's too wide it
look like a gash in my hair...
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
....like I got hit in the head.
Have you ever done a part before, is this
- No, first part.
Whoo! We're about to rock this shit.
All right.
Once you learn
how to cut this part,
you can work at any black
barbershop in the world. Really?
You'll be good.
Oh, shit.
I have a hat, if you totally fuck this
up, we'll be all right.
I'm gonna make it so clean.
I'm gonna make it clean.
I'm not even doubting myself.
I believe in you.
You've given me
so much confidence.
Oh, I see.
This isn't that hard.
Is it all the way to the skin
or almost to the skin?
Yeah, all the way, like.
This is it.
Yes.
Yeah, it's happening?
Yeah.
Dope.
Tell me, look at that.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
See how - yeah, see how
you making it like -
so you see it from the front?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Yep. Yep. Yep.
Is it too thick?
Is it too wide? Nah.
Nah, nah, we good, I think.
I think we - I think -
I think it happened.
Would someone
think a professional did that?
Nah.
No?
Damn it.
I'm so happy you're all here.
You're all being young,
you're all having fun,
you're all getting drunk,
you're all making bad decisions.
You ready to start this show?
Please give it up for Sam Jay!
Boston.
Just moved to L. A.,
yeah, just moved here.
I don't know how to feel yet.
I don't know it's still -
it's just still weird, I miss -
I miss the edge
of the East Coast.
I miss that edge.
I miss that prejudice.
I miss knowing I'm being judged
at every corner.
It's a little
too embracing in L. A.
Like, I was just home recently.
I was at a restaurant.
I went to the bathroom -
walked in the bathroom,
scared the shit out of
an old, white lady
as soon as I walked in.
I walked in, she jumped
out of her skin, ran out.
It felt great, felt amazing.
Felt amazing!
Felt so good, because I knew
she was scared on two levels.
On one level, she was like,
"oh, there's a man
in the bathroom."
And on the next level,
she was like,
"oh, there's a black man
in the bathroom."
Dope.
No one's scared here.
No one cares.
Old, white ladies
don't care about me.
I was walking down Santa Monica
the other night,
an old, white lady
walked up to me, hugged me,
and whispered in my ear,
"I voted for you."
Like, what?
What does that even mean?
But I'm trying
to be knowledgeable.
I try to watch stuff, right.
I started to get into, um,
like angry, white man TV,
like all the Fox stuff,
you know.
Whatever comes on Fox,
I'm watching.
And I love it,
'cause these dudes,
these talking head dudes,
these old, angry, white dudes
they have on Fox,
they always lose their mind
for no real reason.
It's hard to keep up with them
'cause they're mad
all the time -
about what, you don't know.
It's hard to keep track.
It's hard to keep track.
They just mad, mad, mad.
They always get to a point
in their rhetoric
where they talk about how
they're losing the country -
that is their favorite thing.
Like, "we're losing the country.
We're losing the country."
I'm always confused,
because everywhere I look,
white men are still buying
L. L. Bean.
And I'm just like,
if you can afford
to monogram a bathrobe,
you are doing okay, sir.
What exactly have you lost?
And then I watch three seasons
of "Mad Men" -
you lost every fucking thing,
holy shit.
Whoa!
Jesus, man.
'Cause at some point,
that was really
a white man's life.
That was how he got to live
in America every day.
He'd wake up in the morning,
another woman's smell
all over his body,
bourbon on his breath,
runs downstairs,
kiss his wife in the mouth,
she says nothing,
just serves him the pancakes
with the perfect, butter square
in the middle
like an Aunt Jemima box.
He's hearty like a man,
gets in his
American-made Cadillac,
swerves all the way to work.
Gets to his job, runs upstairs.
Secretary greets him
with double "D" boobs.
He screws her right there
in the middle of the office.
He doesn't hesitate,
pulls it out, and does her.
Soon as he's done,
she tells him she's pregnant.
He fires her.
"You're fired!
Get the fuck out of my office.
Who told you to get pregnant,
whore, get out of here."
Goes in his office,
sleeps off his hang over,
wakes up, goes
to a business lunch,
gets drunk again,
then gets a promotion.
And that's
what he did every day.
And then,
like, women started thinking,
and black people wanted
to eat sandwiches next to them,
and it all went to shit, man.
This party boy has been here
since the first one,
and he's going
to be here forever,
partying till eternity.
Please give it up
for Brandon Wardell.
Guys, so I'm not like, -
I'm not like a classically
handsome guy, right?
But I'm not like,
bad-looking either.
I just have like a unique look,
right?
Like, I look like,
like what a Japanese businessman
jerks off to.
Like that's -
That's the look I'm -
I look like an anime
character, right?
Like, I look like
a Japanese person's
drawing of a white person.
I was -
I was driving my car recently,
and a leaf,
like, fell on my windshield,
and I thought,
"oh, wow, it's like a -
it's like a tree
gave me a ticket, right?"
And then I thought, uh,
"oh, wow,
I'm too fucking high to drive."
Real quick, any -
any of y'all like to cum?
What's up?
Cum-heads in the building,
what's up?
What's up, cum-heads?
Yeah, what's up?
Man, I love - I love to cum.
I love to cum.
Uh, I uh -
I didn't - I - I, like,
didn't start having sex
until like 21, though.
Um, I'm 22, uh, whatever.
Um - But, uh -
Like, there was, like,
a point when I was, like, 18,
and I was, like,
living at my parents,
and, uh, my mom, like,
found weed in my room, right?
And she confronted me about it.
She was like, "oh, what's this -
what's this weed?"
And I was like,
"it's good for me."
Which is a weird answer
to that question.
And, then, that just, like,
led her on, like,
a series of, like, other,
like, bad-boy
lifestyle questions, right.
So she was like, "oh, are you -
are you, like, having sex?"
And I was like,
"yes, absolutely!"
Because I didn't want my mom
to think I was a nerd.
No!
No!
Yeah.
Oh, my god.
I don't even want to open this.
No, I didn't either.
I don't want to.
Aw, thank you, dear.
Michael Jackson dress up set.
It will never be opened.
Are you still, uh -
I'm wondering what your -
No.
With my parents?
I would never
consider doing that -
I'm really, like -
'cause my fear is going,
"really?"
well, I would never "stay"
with my parents for a year.
I would never do that.
Kate Berlant.
Umm, who's going to
puke tonight?
Huh? Cool.
So, there's a loser.
Um...
I realized recently -
I realized recently
that I'm interested in
re-imagining the act of puking
as a precious moment
in your life,
where... where you're able
to just briefly shed
the prison of your personality.
Has anyone ever thought of this?
I realized recently
that it was really the first time
that my mask
completely dropped in adulthood.
And for those few moments,
you know,
my past, my taste in art -
you know, wasn't with me.
It was just this puke -
the absolute, visceral purity
of the experience was -
I - I sobbed, honestly.
And, at the time,
I looked up into the mirror
and tears were
streaming down my face.
And I was, like,
"you're gorgeous," first of all.
"Oh, my God."
You know,
I was like you, you know,
I also didn't know
who my birth mother was,
and...
you know, still don't.
Sometimes I wonder,
is that why I do this?
You know, is my mother -
"is she here? No."
Right, so, I -
How many more shows.
How many more -
How many more people's lives
will I infiltrate?
Many.
Because it's media.
Who here thinks
media is not important?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
That's what I thought.
And I think
we can all be united.
You know,
we can all be united tonight,
even if the only fact
that we all work for Google,
I think that alone -
That alone can sustain us,
and it can, and it will.
Are there only children
in here, tonight?
Yeah, man.
Okay, clearly, right?
"Me! Me! me! Me!"
You know.
I'm an only child too,
that's why, you know,
this makes sense.
But, um, I actually like
being an only child.
I think
I've recently discovered,
if for the only fact
that I don't have to live
under just the crushing weight
of the sexual tension
that I...
...that I know exists
among siblings.
And I see a lot of people
kind of,
"Oh, god, the truth."
You know, they really -
A lot of people getting upset,
even tearing up,
thinking about the connection.
And it's okay.
I think it's strange
and impossible to ignore,
because I just know for myself,
without any question,
inevitably,
there would be a time
where I'd be like,
"Jason, stop."
You're so annoying.
Don't - don't tell mom, please,
I'll do... anything.
I own several -
several cotton candy kiosks
all the around the city.
I wanted to be the guy -
I don't want to make
the cotton candy.
I don't want to
put the machine together.
But I want to be there,
all the time.
- Yay!
- Witness the end.
You got it.
Boom, there it is.
Hey, Eric, get in there.
All right, lift me then
put my head in there.
All right.
Get up in there.
I feel really good.
I feel strong.
I feel healthy.
I feel really focused,
for the first time in my life,
I think.
And there's, like,
a real motor in there,
and my head's, like,
crazy close to it.
But, like, if this is my time,
this is my time, you know.
I feel like it's cool.
I feel like this is something -
this is for,
like, families, like,
and like, not just, like, the hipsters.
You know what I mean?
Like -
Save it for the stage, Romeo,
get in there.
I feel like this is something
that a lot of audiences
can get into.
That's cool.
If I can do that as an artist,
like, that's cool.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
I wanted to eat it
off of your head.
Oh, gross.
I feel like the creative session
I have is awkward.
Yeah, I know.
Don't you hate parties?
They're the worst.
Sorry, one second.
Hey, mom.
Hey, can you come pick me up?
I don't want to talk about it.
I just need to go now.
I recently joined, uh, Grindr.
Um, In case you've never
heard of it,
it's a hook-up app
for mostly gay monsters.
Um...
Myself included.
Uh...
The first message
I received on Grindr
was from Douglas,
and it read exactly as follows.
"Hey, Brent.
Saw your profile.
Thought you were cute.
Just so you know,
I'm just the typical,
58-year-old...
HIV-positive top...
...looking for
a night of fun.
No strings attached."
Douglas, Jesus Christ.
That was the single
most terrifying message...
...I've ever received
in my entire life.
By the way,
I can't think
of a single interaction
with more strings attached...
...than meeting you tonight.
I actually think
if you printed out that message
and used a time machine,
to travel back to 2003,
five minutes before I came out
to my family,
and showed me that message
with a warning that said,
"This will become your future,"
I would have said, "Oh, fuck it.
Pussy ain't so bad."
Clare, am I cutting your hair?
You're cutting my hair.
Holy shit, I'm so scared.
I just want a trim.
You just want the same haircut,
just a little shorter?
Yeah, that would be great.
A little more, like, scalped?
Your hair's so perfect...
It's okay.
...I'm just ruining it.
I'm ruining
a perfectly nice haircut.
If you fuck it up,
I'll just burn it all off.
Okay.
It's fine.
It looks beautiful.
Clare, can I have a little bit
of your hair?
Do you want
to keep it for later?
Just, like, a little bit.
Yeah, just grab it.
Just for like...
Wait.
You should get a little glue.
Yeah.
Can we just -
can we just hold on to,
like, a lot of the hair
that we cut today?
Did I do that?
Right in the middle
of a haircut, too.
Seven years of bad haircuts.
I'm fine.
I want a haircut.
Yeah, get up here.
You want to look less disheveled?
Yeah.
More professional?
Less - like, yeah.
How do you feel about it?
I really like it.
It looks really good.
Yeah.
Would you think
a professional did that?
I think so.
Um, yes.
Okay. Do you want money or...?
Yeah.
Do you want -
Is that what you're trying to say?
Yeah, exactly.
Do you like...
I got a fiver somewhere.
I'll find you.
Okay, thanks.
Recently, I was on a road trip,
and my phone died,
so I was forced to reminisce.
And I tried to think about
the first time
I was ever catcalled.
"Uh-oh,
another women's issue."
This set is sponsored by
"Period Blood," though,
so I do just have to give it up
to "Period Blood."
Can we give it up
to Period Blood?
Just real quick. Thank you.
I'm going to do a quick ad spot.
I got a wife and kid to feed,
if that's okay with you.
And we're ready, Todd,
with the bangs.
All right, here we go.
Period Blood.
Here we go again y'all.
Aaahhhhh!
That's copy, right?
So, I was thinking about...
I was thinking about the first
time I was ever catcalled,
which was in front of a church -
"Ooh, beautiful Catholic church
in beautiful
San Jose, California -
and I was 13 years old,
and I'm walking past
this church,
and I see a guy sitting
on the stoop of the church.
And he looks at me
as I walk past,
and he goes, "Damn.
You're going to be
fine as fuck...
...when you get older."
Which, now looking back on it,
wow, what a progressive
statement, you know.
He was talking about
the future me,
not the present -
that would've been
very inappropriate.
And I also started
thinking about
how I reacted to it at the time,
and I really didn't know
how to feel about it,
because all
I really knew about that
was what I saw -
what happened
to women in the movies,
when that happened, you know?
Like when a construction worker
would be like,
"Hey, hot tits."
And then she would be like,
"Ah, the big city or whatever"
and have
the best day of her life.
She got that job,
she met the artist, you know.
But I didn't feel that way.
I didn't feel that way.
I remember just
kind of standing there
and being like, "Oh, well.
That was a nice thing to say.
That's nice.
Oh, but I don't feel very good.
And I kind of want to go home."
But then I thought
about it some more,
I thought about it some more,
I thought about it
a little more.
And then I looked in the mirror,
and I thought,
"Damn. You know what?
He was right, dude.
I'm fine as fuck!
Aah! Oh, no.
Oh no."
Anyway. That's it for me.
Very special.
It's very special.
It's for our special boy.
And we love you very much.
We love you very much,
and we just want you to be
the truth that you are.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh!
- Wait, look at the little angel.
- Look at the little angel you.
Oh, my God.
- It is -
- It's him as the Mother Mary.
And a little baby me
at the bottom.
Yeah!
This is the part of the show
that I like to call,
"My Roommate Block."
The one, the only,
Eric Dadourian.
When I was 20,
I got a pomegranate
tattooed on my right arm.
'Cause I used to do
hella crystal meth.
Right, like, so much -
like so much meth.
My mom was so mad at me.
My mom was like,
"You got a tattoo. Wow."
And I was like, "Mom,
if you knew how much meth
I'm also doing right now,
you'd be so mad at me.
You'd be so mad at me."
I'll tell you about this.
I'll tell you, I -
holidays, huh?
Wow, families.
Families, I go - holidays.
My partner's place,
she lives in Maryland
with her family.
She's got two sister... s.
Wow. Wow.
What, do you laugh at me,
because I'm ESL?
'Cause I'm ESL.
No. No.
No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no.
I'm - yes, I am.
I was pushed out of
Beirut, Lebanon
in the early '80s
by a very hostile regime.
My mother's womb -
my mother's womb.
I'm ESL.
I'm an immigrant baby.
No, she's - no, my partner,
she's got two sisters.
She's got an older sister.
She's got a husband -
Her older sister's
got a husband.
He's a tenured
physics professor.
My partner's
got a younger sister.
Her younger sister's
got a husband.
He's a public defender
in D. C.
And my girlfriend,
she's got a boyfriend,
who wrote this joke.
So, I mean -
she's not doing too bad, huh?
I don't want to drink all of it.
No-no, you have to.
That was such a baby-bird sip.
- Yes!
- There it is.
It's good stuff.
He's a beautiful,
beautiful baby,
and he's always,
always hilarious.
Please give it up,
for James Austin Johnson.
Somebody told me recently
that I look like a picture
of a grandfather
from when he was young.
Y'all getting that from me?
Cool.
You ever go to church
on an off-season day -
you ever dragged to church
on a day that's not
Christmas or Easter
or one of the normal ones
you might be in that room for?
You're just there
with all the diehards.
And they've heard
"Amazing Grace" a billion times.
They're done with it.
They just want to hear
b-sides and rarities.
You ever get stuck with
the b-sides and rarities people
at a church somewhere?
I went to church with my family
back in Nashville.
And I don't even know
if this is a real song.
Like, this is - I don't think -
even think this is,
like, theologically sound.
But I heard this song,
and I just wanted
to check and see.
Uh, so, tell me
if this is a real song.
I need to know if this is real.
Anybody, is that a real song?
You don't just wish it?
That's not real?
Hey, Jonah! Will you, uh, pop off
these "Apocalypse Now"
smoke bombs for the drone?
Two. Three.
Go.
Looks like the end
of a "Batman" movie outside.
I brought NASCAR stickers.
In case anybody...
Oh, put one on mine.
...did a good job.
Oh, do I have to earn it?
No, you did -
the thing is that this is -
Well, I've heard that saying
something is a participation medal
is the equivalent of a putdown,
so I'm not gonna say that.
It's specialized.
Yeah. Find a nice place.
Oh.
I don't know. That's good.
Oh, wow,
It's like a vision board
that I can carry around with me.
Uh, this lady, who I know,
she did
"Orange is The New Black."
And then here's another lady.
She's athletic,
and she's smiling.
You know? She's pumped.
Here's some other people
who seem happy,
and they're living their lives
and doing things.
I - I just like pictures
of people.
I - I am just like it was
when I was five.
I like pictures of fit people
doing things.
This is a letter from my mom
saying all the things
she's proud of me for.
I drew the hearts.
Please give it up
for Maria Bamford.
I feel so embarrassed.
I dripped
some pizza grease on my...
...On my crotch.
But that makes it more special.
Right?
Doesn't it, Vice?
I was an old, old bride.
Uh - Oh, what is it,
a specter from the attic?
And, uh -
My husband and I,
we've been having a lot of sex,
A lot of fudging and wedging,
lotions and potions,
unguents and poultices,
and gems and jellies,
and sauces and salsas,
and mustards and custards,
and foams and soups,
and soothing milks,
and hustle and bustle,
hustle and bustle, hustle and bustle.
Hammer! Anvil!
Hammer! Anvil!
Hammer! Anvil!
No, nothing's been consummated.
But, we've been doing
some furious hand holding
and our palms
are raw with desire.
My husband and I,
we go see a - a therapist,
uh, because, uh,
we don't know what we're doing.
and we, uh, uh -
It's helping.
We have written a song
about her.
That's really all that matters.
Don't judge her for that.
A lot of people
are comforted by it.
And I'm like,
"Hey, can I have one of those?"
So powerful.
Oh, yes!
Uh, it's not
the penis writing game.
It's a penis ring toss game.
- What?!
- Okay, that's fun.
But not as fun as the cage fight.
Party's started!
Turn around.
Turn around.
Turn around.
No, the other way. Whoa.
There's always a camera on me,
because I'm the highest
profile person here.
- Oh, okay.
- Obviously.
Um, I don't perform, though.
- I just get on camera.
- This is performing.
And people think,
Oh, that's - it's that guy.
It's that guy.
Mesmerizo!
Pshew!
Whoosh!
Pshew!
Pshew!
Pshew!
Mesmerizo!
Whoosh!
Pshew!
Mesmerizo!
All right, here we go.
I'm going to do a song.
Here we go.
This song is called
"Applebees...
We found a way
to fuck up salad."
Here we go.
Thank you,
give it up for my deejay.
Thank you.
This song is called
"Sexual Epiphany at Baja Fresh."
Before I got into the rap game,
I had to do a lot
of creative things
to keep the ladies interested.
This song is called,
"Buy You Clothes,
do you in them,
Take 'em back."
My friend, Amber Kenny.
And this is, like, about
L. A. comedy scene.
We're always looking out
for each other.
I was like, I moved.
I broke up with my girlfriend.
I moved into this room.
I didn't have a bed.
And she's like, "I have a bed.
I'm moving in with my
boyfriend," which is like funny.
But... But she's like,
"Um, and here's the thing,
there's this one thing,
and this would only be
a compliment to, like, you.
You would only think, like -
like, the mattress
has hella period stains on it."
And then it is also,
beyond all that,
the most comfortable bed
I've ever slept -
And I slept on a -
- Can I see the stains?
- I slept on a -
- I want to see -
And I slept on
a California king.
I slept on a California king.
- Where are they?
This is the - this is the best.
- What?!
- That's what I'm saying.
- What?!
- That's what I'm saying.
What? This is what L.
A. comedy is like.
This is family.
- Oh, my God!
This is what family looks like.
So, we're going
to have a rap battle.
That's what's about to happen,
you guys.
Can you handle that shit right now?
- Can I get Greg Edwards on this mike?
- Ohh!
Oh, I'm starting, right?
All right.
All right. All right.
Thank you so much.
Ohh!
Yeah, what's up?
My name's Marcella.
I'm very tall for a woman.
Let's fucking talk about it.
Let's not waste anybody's time.
I'm 6'2".
I don't play basketball.
I don't play volleyball.
I'm not a model.
And since I have
everybody's attention,
just want to let you all know,
the tops of your refrigerators
are fucking disgusting.
Clean 'em up.
Uh, ever since I was a kid,
I've been called giraffe,
which really offends me.
As a proud,
girafferican-American.
All right, that was dumb.
I can admit when I'm wrong.
Um, I, uh, get mistaken
for a man all the time.
That sucks.
I don't like
when I get mistaken for a man.
It kind of hurts my feelings.
I had a little girl
recently run up to me.
Uh, I was - I was dressed
pretty similar to this,
except I wasn't wearing makeup,
and I was wearing my glasses,
and my hair was pulled back
real low.
This little girl runs up to me.
She's like,
"Are you a boy or a girl?"
"Are you a boy or a girl?"
Now, I didn't know what to say,
so I looked at her mother
to like correct, interject,
just be a fucking parent, right.
And the mother looked at me
like, "Well?"
"Are you a boy or a girl?"
So I looked backed
to the little girl, and I said,
"Honey, I'm just
like you and your mom -
a rude piece of shit."
No, no, I didn't say that.
I pushed her.
I wish you could've been with me
through my journey to the show.
Where did these two go?
There were people here.
This is not going
to cut together well.
But anyway,
I had this whole thing.
I was going to be like,
"Yeah, you're roasted,
motherfucker."
And I was gonna go, "Blah."
I was going to do
a whole jerk off thing,
but they left, and they're
super lucky that they did.
Anyway, there's a lot -
Okay, uh, there's a pizza,
a slice of pizza
in the front row.
I can say that.
These two audience members,
they decided to jet
before I started
my beautiful genius-situation.
But ol' pizza fucking split.
The leftovers of
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
crime factory that was here.
What do you do
for a living, sir?
It would be so cool if, like,
there was an Italian voice
that just like,
"Uh, I'ma just pizza."
"This is a question
that make no sense.
In a way,
when you think about it,
how can a piece of pizza
really have a job?
It's already done it's job.
Um, I guess I sustain life
in Italy" or whatever -
this is my best
Italian that I do.
That's as good
as it gets for me.
I, uh, Oh, man,
you should've seen me
when I pulled up to the show
tonight, by the way.
This is - by the way,
I've been doing comedy
a long time.
Worst venue
I've ever performed in.
By a fact -
By a factor of I can't -
I don't know math,
but, like, it's crazy out there.
Like, Stephen Hawking
would have to wheel in
and be like,
I can't figure out
what you mean."
But, I'm sorry - okay,
can we cut that all out, everybody?
Okay, good.
And my - the attitude
that I pulled up with, though,
like, I - I, like -
you should have seen me.
I - I like, rolled down
my window.
I got power windows,
which is really like -
that just speaks to the success
I've had in Hollywood.
And...
...I pulled up, and I fucking
clicked the thing down,
and there's
like a security guard,
and I'm like,
"Uh, artist parking, please?"
And he's like - he was just
like, "Hey, brah."
And he was - I don't -
He barely worked here,
like he kind of just was, like,
brown-bagging night train,
while we we're
having interaction.
But if they could have
just showed me a picture
of the venue I would've been
performing in
and juxtaposed it with my,
like, valet parking question.
Like, I would have
just been like,
"I'm so sorry that
I - I can't do.
There's a fucking arrow
in the wall."
Just so the people at home know,
the framing - I was looking
at the framing of the shot.
They had framed it so you
can't see the word "cum" here.
So it just, like, says,
"Um," or whatever.
But it says cum on the wa-
This has not been -
there was no, like,
cool MTV set decorator,
like, "Hmm,
let's make a set, like,
like, mm, white people
pretending to be impoverished,"
kind of a thing.
No, this is really
what someone's life looks like.
And countries are fake.
Like - like, straight up,
this is, uh, uh -
this is definitely
a white teenager's
first acid trip - 100%.
Like, the kind of discipline
it took that person's mind
not to spell "countries"
"c-u-n-t-r-i-e-s,"
I can't even understand
how that happened.
Like, it doesn't -
Like, I bet that person
right now is weeping
at their - their -
that they - that -
at the opportunity
that they missed.
But anyway, I had an opportunity
to not perform here,
and I missed that as well.
So, okay, so -
But also - okay, so the framing,
just so you know -
like, you won't be able to know,
because you're
watching right now.
You're like wha-like, sort of
disinterestedly watching
as you, you know, thumb through
"The Anarchist Cookbook"
or whatever, wherever you are.
This is to the audience at home,
like, in the future
they've cut it all together,
you know what I mean?
I've already -
like, definitely, I'm
the most downloaded clip,
because I've committed
suicide tonight.
Like, something like,
"Hmm. We got to figure out
what happened that evening.
Like, why did he jump
into the L. A. river?
Like no one's ever
done that before.
He broke his neck.
He was eaten by the homeless."
Anyway, so,
just I can get to the end
of what I'm trying to do here.
Cum has been framed out, right?
But then there's another shot
with this,
"Guys! Come on!"
And to me that was like -
Okay, so now
you decide to join us?
Get in the fucking seat.
Do you think you know - look -
you see how freeform and sort
of genius level I am at this.
Like, how do you think
I felt in the back,
knowing you would be up front?
I was, like, fucking so excited.
You know what I mean?
Like, you're so colorful
and exciting.
Like, I was like -
Hey, shut the fuck up!
No, I'm sorry,
that was very aggressive,
I'm sorry.
What do you call... you?
I don't know, you're like -
like, uh -
like, you're cool.
Oh, you're an artist.
That's cool.
The right answer was
"fuck you."
That would've been
the only correct -
But that's all right.
you're an artist.
Yeah, me too.
I'm an artist in a weird way.
But I've been talking about cum
for 1-minutes
and trying to find
an exit point.
Is that the kind of art you do?
No? Okay. Anyway -
Oh, my God.
Yes! Get it!
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Hit it in the booty,
booty, booty, booty!
- Whoo!
- Oooh!
Oh, yes.
Yes! Beat it!
Yummy!
Thanks, Solomon.
Uh, I had to wake up
early today.
I told my friend
I had to wake up early.
He gives me on of these.
He goes,
"You know, the nice thing
about waking up early?
You get
a lot of stuff done."
Yeah.
You ever hear this shit?
I'm like,
"Yeah, you know what sucks?
Doing stuff."
Doing like, anything, sucks,
especially during the daytime.
Daytime is the worst time
to do anything.
Nothing good has ever
happened during the day.
Think about it - daytime.
It's when everybody has to
go to school.
It's when we have to
go work at their jobs.
9/11 happened during the day.
Like, first thing
in the morning, guys.
Yeah, rough.
Daytime sucks.
Nighttime is where it's at -
we're hanging out,
we're drinking, we're laughing.
People might even fuck later.
Think about it.
Like, 9 out of 10 fucks
happen at night.
That's just math.
9 out of ten 11's
happen during the day.
Nighttime is all-around
cooler than daytime.
If you still don't believe me,
think about the two things
that we associate most
with night and day.
Daytime - the sun.
The sun...
is a fucking loser.
The sun is the nerdy kids
in the front seat of class.
Same spot everyday.
Nothing better going on.
Total buzzkill.
If you look at the sun too long,
you go blind.
If you don't wear
enough sunscreen,
you get cancer.
And in a billion years,
the sun will explode and destroy
everything we've ever known.
Not very tight.
Meanwhile, the moon...
is dope.
The moon is so chill,
that sometimes at night,
it doesn't even show up.
It's got better shit going on.
Sometimes it's big and red
for no reason, all wilin' out.
Sometime it shows up
during the day
and crashes the sun's shit.
Like, "let's do this nerd.
Pre-gaming 2:00 P. M.
Party tonight at my place,
outer space."
The moon is cool.
The only time
that the sun is ever cool,
is during an eclipse,
when the moon is like...
"he's with me.
Horizon, like, grind on,
like, a butt -
Something. Yeah.
Is any of this going to
actually be in the edit?
Gonna decorate
Solomon's birthday cake.
Here we go!
H- a -
I've already fucked it up.
And it's never going back.
It looks bad, and it's just
gonna keep looking bad.
Perfect.
If that works for cable.
Do we have a - Do we have -
Do we sit it?
Solomon can't spell.
Where is the c-a-k-e?
Is it in the k-i-t-c-h?
Whoo!
I got my only wish -
a cigarette.
You're marvelous.
Stay alive.
Yeah!