Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 2, Episode 8 - NewZealandTown - full transcript

- So it goes G...
- G, B...

Guys, the audience is in, okay?

- So you can go on.
- How many?

Uh, one...

- yeah, one.
- One?

- Yeah.
- Is it Mel?

No, it's not, Bret.
Actually, Mel was busy.

She actually requested
that she can't come today.

But if she was here,
yes, we'd have two.

But unfortunately
we're down to one today.

- One person?
- It's a big guy though, Jemaine.



He's taking up three seats.
He's got shopping bags with him.

- You can't count the shopping bags?
- There's three seats used.

What, so the majority
of the audience is shopping bags?

Yeah, most of the audience
are shopping bags,

but don't look
at it that way.

Look at it that
there's three seats taken.

- Yeah?
- Okay.

Just give this one big guy with the
shopping bags the best gig of his life.

Rock it out.

One person.

This is a new low.

# Voodoo lover! #

Thank you.
Thank you...

especially the one audience
member for coming along today.



Hey, where did he go?

When did that guy leave?

Yeah, he... he snuck out.

Possibly as early
as the first song.

So we played this whole gig
to an empty room?

Technically yes.

Well, technically you were there.

Technically I actually
snuck out as well.

- You snuck out?
- What do you mean you snuck out?

I knew you were gonna get angry.
Don't single me out.

What about the other guy?
He snuck out.

- He's not our manager though.
- I know.

You've got to question yourselves.
Why is the audience gone?

Why is the manager gone?
What's he doing leaving?

Well, you went shopping.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, zero people.

This is a new low.

All right, it's time to get

the high points
and low points graph out.

And unfortunately, as of yesterday,

we've hit a new low point...

doing a gig to nobody.

Pass it around.

- That's the graph.
- It's at zero.

Wow. What's that high point?

Yeah, that's when I didn't
have to pay the meter.

Remember the meter was broken
when I parked outside your apartment?

That's the high point
of our career?

That is the high point
of us as a band

in our career so far.

I still think about it now.

It was such a great night.

But we're not
concentrating on that now.

Those times are gone.
We're in the low now. We're in the lull.

Well, how come
no one comes to our gigs?

I've tried to rack my brains
to find that answer, Bret.

I think we're gonna
have to face facts:

You guys just don't look cool.

I-I do.

- No, you don't.
- No.

- Don't I?
- You may look cool in your mind,

but when other people
are looking at you

they don't see what's
happening inside your head.

Okay? They can
only see the outer shell.

It doesn't matter, anyway.

It's about the music,
not about the way you look.

Maybe in the '70s, guys,

but come on,
get up with the '90s.

- Times have changed.
- It's not the '90s.

Okay, my point is the difference
between cool bands

and you is hair.

- I've got hair.
- True.

But most of your hair is
body hair, isn't is, Jemaine?

Well, some of it.

Look at this.

Style. That's what we need.

- I know what you're gonna say.
- Uh...

I knew you were gonna say that,
but this is the stuff...

styling gel, okay?

Have a look at these.

What's this?

Just some experiments I ran

back in 1991 when I was
trying to find my look.

You should dress
like this more often.

- No, I've found my look now.
- And that's your look?

Yup, this is
the winning look.

A moss-green shirt and a tie?

Obviously this is for work.

Up here is for play, isn't it?

No, this is it.
This is the stuff.

I really enjoyed it.
The only problem is it's very powerful.

- Okay? It takes hold of you.
- Knock knock.

Morning, Prime Minister.

Guys, sit down, sit down.

Thank you, m'lord.

Murray, have you got an eraser?

I'm doing a drawing,
but I've made a mistake.

I'm working on a poster idea
for my new campaign.

- That is a good poster, sir.
- Not bad.

How about you guys?
Are you excited about New Zealandtown?

- What's that?
- Oh, I was gonna mention that.

Well, you know Chinatown
and Little Italy, right?

- Yeah.
- We want to establish a New Zealandtown

- right here in New York City.
- Where's it gonna be?

Well, it's gonna be one block
between Chinatown and Little Italy,

which isn't exactly
accurate geographically,

but it's perfect for our needs.

We're gonna have Gary the Sheep.

- He's flying over from New Zealand.
- Really?

Yes, New Zealand's most famous sheep
is gonna be there.

- He's on hiatus.
- We have a chap shearing him.

- Well, pretending to shear him.
- Be mime shearing him.

Mime shearing him
because Gary's got his look.

We can't mess with that.
And while I'm on that,

um, what we need is
a cool band to play there.

And I know you guys are
sometimes involved in music,

- so what I was gonna ask...
- Would you like us to play?

- No, we're looking for a cool band.
- They are available.

We're considered
quite cool, aren't we?

- In their minds, yes.
- I see.

- Yeah, you want a cooler band.
- No, exactly.

If you really want to help, we do need
someone to work the information booth.

- Are you guys keen?
- No.

Great.

Hey, Greg, have you got an eraser?

Did you hear that, guys? The prime
minister is looking for a cool band.

Don't touch it.

Ew!

How's that?

That looks cool.

- Whoa, that is cool.
- Yeah?

You look like a punk rocker.

Quite cool.

- Very cool.
- Very cool look, man.

Totally cool.

- Pretty cool.
- Cool.

# Fashion #

# F-f-f-f-fashion,
f-fashion #

# S-s-s-style,
the l-l-l-l-look #

# I'm the vanguard,
I'm the air, I'm nouveau #

# I'm the shi shi,
ooh-whee-he #

# I'm the man ala mode #

# I'm the edge,
I'm the chic #

# I'm the taste,
I'm larger than life #

# With just a hint
of lace #

# P-p-p-p-president
Reagan #

- # Thatcher #
- # T-t-t-thatcher #

# Jazzercise #

- # L-l-l-lip gloss #
- # Oh-oh #

# You think
you know fashion #

# Well, fashion's a stranger #

# You think fashion's
your friend #

# My friend,
fashion is danger #

- # Posing #
- # Posing at the bar #

- # Posing #
- # Posing sitting down #

- # Posing #
- # Posing in the distance #

- # Posing #
- # Posing with my arm #

- # Posing #
- # Posing with my leg #

- # Posing #
- # Posing like a swan #

- # Posing #
- # Posing for a portrait #

# Posing a threat #

# Hey, hey hey hey #

# Hey yeah #

# Ooh #

# You think
you know fashion #

# We'll, fashion's a stranger #

# You think fashion's
your friend #

# My friend,
fashion is danger #

# Moscow, Berlin,
Paris, London #

# Tokyo, Wellington,
Rome, Geneva #

# New York City,
New-New-New-New York City. #

Murray, wow,
these guys are pretty cool.

Who are they?

That's Bret and Jemaine.
You know, my band.

They're bloody great.

You guys seem a little
cooler than usual today.

Yeah, we're a little
bit cooler now.

Yeah, usually you wear
clothes from the '70s.

They're not from the '70s
They're from New Zealand.

Isn't that the same thing?

Similar, I suppose.

- Hey, guys. Whoa, looking cool.
- Whatever, Murray.

Hey, great gig last night.
You got a glowing review.

"New Zealand Consulate Newsletter"...

"They came, they saw,
they Conchord.

A couple of cool guys took
to the stage and wowed the audience

with music
and up-to-the-minute styles.

Move over, refrigerators,
here's what's cool."

- That's pretty cool, man.
- You like that?

- Yeah.
- The best part is the prime minister

wants you to perform at
the New Zealandtown opening ceremony.

Oh, that's cool,
but yeah, whatever.

I've got to go. You guys want
to hang out tomorrow still or...

- Whatever, man.
- Whatever, David.

- G'day, you guys. Cool hair.
- Hey.

Wow, you're gonna make quite
an impact with that hair, aren't you?

- Oh, yeah, that hair.
- That hair there is whoo.

Nice attitude, Jemaine. I like it.

- Go away, Murray.
- "Go away."

Did you hear that, Prime Minister?
So cool.

Anyway, I'd like you
all to meet Paula.

Paula's the New Zealand
tourism board representative

and she's gonna be working with us

on the New Zealandtown
opening day celebration.

- Yeah.
- Hello, I'm Murray.

- Paula, Murray.
- Stop shaking her hand.

Paula grew up next to me.

- 39 Harcourt Street, Nelson.
- Yeah.

Mind you, that was all
a very very long time ago.

- Many many years ago now.
- Oh, yes, years.

A lot's happened since then.
Things change.

- Yeah.
- People get married to other people.

Yeah.

Anyway, Murray, Paula's
second in command after me

and then you and then Greg.

Oh.

So if I wanted to,
I could tell her to do something

and then she'd tell you to do it.

- But I could tell Greg.
- That's at your discretion.

Let's just test out this
new system, shall we?

Paula, could you please ask
Murray what time it is?

Um, hey, Murray,
have you got the time?

2:00.

It's 2:00, Prime Minister.

Yes, I heard
and I think he heard me.

On a basic level this works,

but I think we could use
more development.

Anyway, I'll see you later, guys.

And did you ask Jemaine
about that thing?

Not yet.

- See you guys.
- Bye, guys.

What thing?

It's... we'll talk about it soon
during the band meeting.

Right, band meeting.

Jemaine, present. Bret?

- Yeah, whatever.
- Okay, whatever.

Murray, present.

Now with the New Zealandtown,

I've decided we should really look
at our cultural heritage.

I think we should have
a traditional Maori village,

get a couple of Maoris standing there
in their natural environment.

But this is New York.

Yeah, well,
we'll get some bushes in.

We'll get a log.
Get some wind running through it.

I think the most important part is
to get a Maori warrior.

That would really sell it.
So do we know any Maoris, Jemaine?

Actually, you're part Maori,
aren't you?

No, I'm not doing it.

- But you are part Maori?
- Yes, but I'm not doing it.

- Please?
- No.

- Please be the Maori.
- No.

Well, if you don't do it
we're gonna have to get Mexicans.

You can't get Mexicans to do it.

That's culturally insensitive.

We've already signed one up
so it can't be too sensitive.

Is he gonna do it?

No, Prime Minister,
he's not gonna do it.

See you later, guys.

- Whatever.
- See ya, Murray.

Good morning, Jemaine.

Your hair doesn't look very cool.

What? Why didn't you tell me earlier?

- Oh, yours looks bad.
- Does it?

- I need a bit more gel.
- Pass me the hair gel.

Hey, where's the gel gone?

What happened
to all the gel?

What do you mean, what happened
to the gel? It was in there.

You know what happened
to the gel. You used it.

Did you finish the gel
on your body hair?

N... no.

You've been gelling your beard.

Your beard looks good.

- You used my half of the gel.
- What are you doing?

What are you doing?
Put it down.

Oh! That was very dangerous.

- How dare you throw this at me?
- Do not throw that at me.

I think it's a fitting revenge
for you throwing it at me.

Oh!

That was dangerous.

Paula, how many toothbrushes
have we got so far

for the replica
of the toothbrush fence?

46. But I know someone
who's bringing in another two.

Yeah, well,
that's still not 50

and we need 50 really
for an effective replica.

Can you talk to Murray
about organizing some more?

Murray?

Um, okay.

Hi, everyone.
We need more toothbrushes.

- I'll bring one in.
- Thanks, Greg.

Good work, Paula.

Thank you.

Now, Murray, the attractions...
how are they coming along?

Well, I've booked you a tour bus

to take all the people
through New Zealandtown.

Great. Excellent.
Can I drive the bus?

I don't think
that's a very good idea.

The Prime Minister
of New Zealand driving a bus?

Please?

Please, Murray?

- All right then.
- Excellent.

I get to drive the tour bus.

Well, Gary, you must be jet-lagged.

Let's get you off
to your accommodations.

Did you ever think I'd end up
being Prime Minister, Paula?

No. Complete surprise to me.

Maybe we should go
get some more gel.

- We can't go out there.
- Why not?

There's people. They'll see us.
No one can see me like this.

- You go.
- No, I can't go out there.

Not without gel.

We'll wait till
there's no one out there.

Who is it?

- Who is it, Bret?
- Who is it?!

Come on, cool dudes,
open up, it's me.

- You can't come in.
- What? Am I not cool enough for you?

- We've run out of gel.
- What?

Open up, come on.

We've run out of gel.
We look stupid.

I'm sure you don't
look that stupid. Open up.

Oh my God!
Oh, it's terrible.

What have you done?

We've used all
that gel you gave us.

- The whole bottle?
- Can you get us some more gel?

Yeah, all right.
I've got things to do.

I've got to go
to the quarantine,

pick up the grass patch
for New Zealandtown.

I'll get you some gel
on the way back, all right?

Close that door
and don't let anyone see you.

There's still some gel.

There's still a little bit of gel.

- You're imagining the gel.
- There's still some.

There's no gel left.
It's not there.

Where is he?

He's probably
just dropped the gel

and he's had to go back
and get some more.

What if he's keeping
the gel for himself

to make himself look good?

Don't think so, man.

That big ginger head of his

looking great.

Welcome, everybody.

Cheers.

You'd better hide that beer, sir.

You can't drink
in public over here.

Well, we're in
New Zealandtown now.

There's nothing
they can do about it.

Actually, Bryan, you can't
drink and drive either.

Oh, you're quite right.
Thank you, Paula.

Well, I'm Bryan

the Prime Minister
of New Zealand

and, um...

I'm... I'm sorry, I'm just
a little bit nervous.

I haven't done this for a while.

- The attractions.
- Oh, Murray, thank you.

Yes, well, we've got
a few interesting things

to show you on our journey
to New Zealand so...

let's go.

Oh my goodness me.
Look at that. Quiet, everyone.

It's some genuine native
Maori warriors.

We don't want to disturb them
in their natural habitat.

If you'd like to take pictures,
do it very very quietly.

All right, if everyone's
finished taking pictures,

let's move on.

Okay, everybody off.

That was New Zealandtown.

Oh.

This place is really a mess.

Some milk for my piggies.

Mel?

Hey, guys.
What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be at your band
meeting for the New Zealandtown opening.

Do you have a key
to our apartment?

This isn't my place, is it?

This is your place.

I must be sleepwalking.

Oh no, don't wake me.
You could kill me.

Do you have any gel?

Um, I don't know.

I might have
some mousse maybe.

- Yeah?
- Or some hairspray.

Yeah, just a little mousse
would be good.

Bird watching.
I love to watch birds.

Where's your mousse?
Is it not in here?

Maybe not in this pocket.

This is my sock.

Oh, well...
I guess I don't have any, guys.

- You said you had some.
- I said I thought I might have some.

You said you had mousse.
Jemaine, she said she had mousse.

I'd better go
before I wake up.

You come in here without any mousse?
What's wrong with you?

I don't know
who you are anymore.

Do you have any gel, Mel?

There's a little bit in here.

Bret.

Glue?

- This should work.
- Yeah yeah, this is good.

It's just like gel.

Same viscosity.

Welcome, everyone.

Now New Zealand has always been

a land of innovators.

We were the first country
in the world

to research and develop
the concept of a spreadable butter

that can be used straight
from the refrigerator.

So it's in that great
spirit of innovation

that we are gathered
here today

to celebrate the opening
of New Zealandtown.

Like Chinatown
or Little Ethiopia,

and also similar
to Little Italy.

Jemaine, I stuck
my head to my hand.

- You idiot, Bret.
- You've got a pillow on your head.

- What? Where?
- Other side.

- Oh, we're both idiots.
- Idiot, man.

What are you sitting there
so relaxed for, Bret?

And get that cushion off
your head, Jemaine.

We had no gel
so we used glue instead.

You were supposed to
bring us some gel.

Shivers, I forgot your gel.

Look, I've been so caught up
with New Zealandtown.

Look, I'll solve it.

Hi, Greg, I need some anti-glue.

What's anti-glue, Murray?

Well, it's anti-glue, isn't it?
It gets rid of glue.

I don't think that exists, Murray.

Just get it, okay?
It's an emergency.

Thank you.

Now please,
can you get ready?

You don't need us. You've got
New Zealand's most famous sheep.

Well, that's the whole thing,
Jemaine... I don't.

He's been shorn off.

The guy who was supposed
to mime shear him sheared him for real.

- He's basically bald.
- Gary's bald?

Yes. So there's your star,
timid and nervous.

And to make matters worse,
the guy next to him barbecuing...

I think he's
barbecuing lamb.

Gary can tell.
He's livid.

And by the way, who's manning
the information booth?

What side of the road
do you drive on?

The middle.

What language
do you speak there?

We pretty much just make it
up as we go along.

Really?

Yeah, that's why the people
from there are so hard to understand.

We can't do it.
We're not cool enough.

Guys, do you want
to know a secret?

It wasn't the gel
that made you cool.

It wasn't?

It was the confidence
the gel gave you.

When you started to feel
good about yourself

everyone else could feel that.

And they started to
feel good about you.

Really?

Maybe.

Bret,

I think we've got
a gig to perform.

- Yeah.
- Get us the anti-glue.

All right then.

Who likes to "rock the party"?

Now it gives me great
pleasure and pride

to introduce two of the coolest
New Zealanders I have ever met,

our very own
Flight of the Conchords.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

# I like to rock the party #

# Party going on #

# And it looks like... #

Yeah, it was
the hair gel, guys. Sorry.

- We're not cool?
- No.

This is a new low,
isn't it?

Yeah.

Murray, what happened
to New Zealandtown?

This was
a complete disaster.

Well, I thought that was
relatively successful.

Yes, it went very well.
Well done, Paula.

I think I'm gonna head back to my hotel.
I've got to fly out in the morning.

- Oh, do you?
- Yeah.

Okay.

- Nice to meet you.
- Bye.

Yeah.

- Paula.
- Yes, Bryan?

Um, I...

Nothing.

Okay.

Forget it, Bryan.
It's New Zealandtown.