Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 2, Episode 9 - Wingmen - full transcript

Bret, you've been
gone for hours.

I've been waiting for the bread.
Where have you been?

# I was wandering through
the streets of the city #

# Rambling through
the avenues of time #

# When from nowhere
my eyes fell onto a girl #

# And by chance her eyes
fell onto mine... #

- Oh.
- # So I sat and I acted nonchalant #

# She smoked
her lavender cigarette #

# Reading the future
that lay in my hands #

# My shadow played
a bass clarinet... #

Where are you going
with this, Bret?



# We waltzed down
a moonlit boulevard #

# Just two silhouettes
in the mist... #

- Oh, yes.
- # Days went by and years went by #

- # Moments went by when we kissed... #
- When was this?

# She said, "Your beard is
woven of heartache #

# And we'll drink
for the lonely tonight #

# And the moon is
a horny old drunkard..." #

Uh, Bret, could you please
move over to your right?

# We drank dandelion wine
and we reminisced #

# About the moment when
we first met that day... #

I'm trying to watch TV.

# Then we reminisced about
how we first reminisced... #

Oh, yeah?
Sounds a bit gay.

# She handed me
a broken memory #



# A keepsake
to forevermore save #

# For a brief taste of love
is as sweet as any #

# And with that
she made her way. #

So did you... did you get
the bread, or...

- Oh. No, I forgot.
- 'Cause I've been waiting here

with all my sandwich
fillings all ready.

Yeah, I was just really busy thinking
about this girl.

What was her name?

# She said her name
was a secret #

# Then she said her
name was Cheri... #

Is her middle name Cheri?

So it's
a Secret Cheri maybe?

- # Mmm, maybe... #
- What she look like?

# She looked like
a Parisian river... #

What, dirty?

# She looked like
a chocolate eclair... #

That's rare.

# Her eyes were
reflections of eyes... #

Oh, nice.

# And the rainbows
danced in her hair... #

Oh yeah.

# She reminded me
of a winter's morning... #

What, frigid?

# Her perfume was
eau de toilette... #

What does that mean?

# She was comparable
to Cleopatra... #

Quite old.

# She was like
Shakespeare's Juliet... #

Oh, 13?

# The bohemians
of SoHo did pirouettes #

# As we waltzed through
the streets of Manhattan #

# On rivers of ribbon
and sailboats of song... #

Bret, did any of this
actually happen?

# There's a girl
I described #

# She's as real
as the wind #

# It's true
I saw her today #

# The other details
are inventions #

# Because I prefer her
that way. #

So you're saying
you made all of that up?

I made 95%
of that up.

Which bit's true?

I saw a girl.

Oh! So your excuse
for not getting the bread

is because you were
on a fantasy date?

Why don't you go
on a real date?

Because they're never
as good as fantasy dates.

Oh yeah. Where does
she work, this girl?

She works down
at the cheap zoo.

- The pet store?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

- She's, um, one of the cat tamers.
- Oh, yes.

Every time I go in there
I freeze up, I panic

and I end up buying two goldfish
I don't even want.

Why do you buy two then?

Well, if you get two,
you get one free.

But you don't even want
any goldfish, Bret.

- Why would you buy two?
- Might as well get one free.

Hey, Jemaine, I was wondering if
you'd think about being my wingman...

- Oh! No.
...like in "Top Gun."

No, Bret.
Do I have to?

Umm, uh, yes.

Okay. All right.

If you want to do it,
there's a condition.

- What?
- You can't hit on her.

What? Why...
why would I hit on her?

- You always do that.
- Oh! When?

Always.

Oh, okay. So you do
something every time,

and suddenly
you've got a reputation.

- You do it.
- I do not.

- You do it.
- I do not.

Yes, you do.

- What are you doing in here?
- Fixing the shower.

- It wasn't broken.
- Well, I'm sorry... I broke it.

I'm sorry,
but you're always...

you're always making moves
on his girls.

Okay, I will not make
a move on this girl.

Yeah, you should
remain hidden.

Yes, remain hidden.

Take a photo of me in front
of the budget bears.

Bret, you're stalling.
Just go and ask her out for a drink.

Yeah, okay.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi.

Are you thirsty?

What?

Goldfish...
one goldfish, please.

Umm, if you buy two,
you can get one free.

Okay.

What time
do you feed the cats?

Hey! What's up, guys?

- Hey, Dave.
- What's with the fish, Bret?

- I've got a girlfriend.
- No.

Uh, not... not completely
a girlfriend.

- She doesn't know I exist.
- But you do...

- you do exist, don't you?
- Yeah. I exist, yeah.

'Cause you guys said
you didn't exist before.

- Yeah, we... we exist.
- Yeah, I exist.

I fully exist.

Why did you tell me you
were from Never Never Land?

- New Zealand.
- New Zealand, man.

But you said
you guys flew here.

On a plane.
On a plane, Dave.

Hey, Dave, do you have any
of those miniature

- headphone microphone sets?
- Yeah, sure.

'Cause I want to put
my wingman here in a van.

He's gonna give me advice while
I go and see this girl.

He got an idea
from a sitcom.

- Jemaine's your wingman, huh?
- Yes.

What the fuck does
he know about women?

I know about brassieres.
Do you know about those?

Guys, women like
three things:

Men in kilts,
Southern Comfort,

and Chris Isaak's
"Wicked Game."

Whoa, he does know
more than you.

Yeah, I think you're
oversimplifying women.

- Okay, band meeting.
- Uh, Murray?

Oh, Greg, I'm just in the middle
of something, please.

- I'm sorry, Murray.
- Shush now, okay?

- What's gotten into you?
- It's just that...

Please! This won't
take a minute.

Now, where was I,
Jemaine?

Uh... yeah, you were
at "Jemaine."

- Okay. Present.
- Yes, present.

- Bret.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, and Murray...
present.

That wasn't
too hard, was it?

- Now what's the problem?
- Helen's on the line.

Well, why didn't you say?!
What does she want?

She says she's in a meeting with
the Chinese ambassador.

There's 16 people there,
but there's only 12 sandwiches.

Oh no.
I only ordered 12.

- On line one.
- Sorry, guys, official business.

Hey, Helen.

Yes.

Yup, 16 people.
I heard.

Yeah, only 12 sandwiches.
I know. It's terrible.

Yeah.

Why?

Oh, um...

uh, to be honest with you,
at the end of the day, um...

actually, I think
Greg could be responsible.

I was walking past
his desk

and I saw
in his wastepaper bin

some wrappers which I think
were from sandwiches.

And just looking
at his face earlier,

I did notice he had some crumbs
just around his mouth...

just on each side.
I think they were sandwich crumbs.

I'm not pointing
any fingers,

but I think
if I was you,

I would probably look at
the third suspect being Greg.

Yeah, I understand.
I'll tell him.

Um, Helen's disappointed
that you ate four of them,

so... sorry about that.

That's okay, Murray.

Thank you.

I think he heard
the whole thing, didn't he?

- Probably. He was just standing there.
- Yeah.

I've never seen him
that angry.

Murray, do we have
any gigs or anything?

- Because I've got to go.
- Got something on, have you?

Yeah.

Oh, I've got nothing
on the agenda today. Look.

- What do you mean?
- I've put "Nothing" here.

- "No need to come in."
- Well, why have you called us in?

- I don't know.
- You wrote that down?

- Yeah, I wrote "Nothing."
- But you called us up

and told us to come in

to tell us there's
no need to come in?

- That's weird, isn't it?
- Why'd you call us?

Well, it's like...
it's kind of like a habit.

You know, we sort of fall
into these patterns.

Day after day, we end up doing
the same sort of thing.

It's a bit like
Shelley and I, actually,

looking back.

I think that's where
the cracks started to show...

just getting used
to each other so much,

taking each other
for granted

like a pair of old sneakers...
they're always there.

Put them on,
same thing day after day.

Oh, I'll get us
some cake.

Greg, is there any
of that orange cake left?

It's Murray.

Oh no.
He is angry.

Sorry, guys.
I'm gonna have to calm the storm.

Uh, can you hear me, Bret?

Chicken torso.

Chicken torso,
can you hear me?

Chicken torso, raise a hand if
you can hear me.

- Yeah.
- There you go.

- Cool.
- Now be brave, Bret.

Stop shaking, Bret.
Stop shaking.

Stand with your feet apart
like your balls are on fire.

Don't do the accompanying face,
though... just the stance.

Go up to her.
Just approach her.

- Back up, back up.
- Good work, Bret.

Now say hello.
Turn around though.

No no, stay facing away
from her. It makes you seem different.

Half ignore her and half
pay attention to her.

- Hello.
- Hi, do you need help?

- Turn side on.
- Say something, you asshole!

- Um...
- Say hello.

- Hello.
- Hi, can I help you?

- Compliment her hair.
- Ask her what's up with her face.

- What's up with your face?
- What?

You shouldn't have said that.
It's too early.

Is that a walkie-talkie
on your kilt?

Tell her it's an iPod.

- No, this is just...
- An old iPod.

- It's an old iPod.
- Okay.

- Good work. Now tell her you're freaky.
- Don't tell her that.

Tell her you're a freak.

Why would you tell her
that he's freaky?

How's he gonna get into
her pants if he doesn't...

Can I help you
with something?

I'll just... I'll just get
a goldfish, please.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Mel.

Hey, why have you been
standing here for so long?

It's been, like, hours...

like, three...
and a half hours.

- Just hanging out.
- Just... just...

Are you gonna steal
this car?

Oh, no, we're just spying
on someone...

- No no.
- Who?

- No one. No.
- No one.

Oh my God, is it me?

- No. No.
- It's me, isn't it?

- No.
- You've been watching me.

That is...
so creepy, you guys.

That is an invasion
of my personal space.

Why would you do that?
Why would you watch me?

Have you been watching me?
What did you see?

What have I been doing?
I don't even know what I do.

- It wasn't you, Mel.
- I'm not conscious of what I do.

It's the girl
over at the pet shop.

- You're following her?
- No.

Bret's in love with her.

- No, I'm not. I'm not.
- Bret!

- Why?
- Well... I'm not.

Bret, if you
really love someone,

you have to get
to know them as a person.

You can't just
watch them from afar.

You know, you have to learn what
they are like on the inside.

Get closer.
Find the key to their heart.

I like to find useful information
in bills, letters.

Sometimes I collect
nail clippings,

but that's just me.

Bret, does she run
an Indian food takeaway?

- No.
- Here, use these. It's easier.

Oh, thanks.
Why do you have those?

- Yeah. No reason.
- Bret, she loves eggs.

Make her an omelet.

Oh, is her name Savannah?
Does she work at Petland?

- Works at Petland, yeah.
- Oh.

- Half an avocado.
- She has $145 on her electric bill.

- Tea bags, yogurt.
- That's great, Mel.

You know, Bret,
when you love someone,

you need all the ammunition you can
get to take them down.

- Right.
- Look at me and Doug.

He resisted at first.
In the end he cracked

and look at us today...
we couldn't be happier.

Mel, this dumpster is definitely from
a different building.

- Keep looking, Doug.
- Bret...

I think
she has man's feet.

Man feet, Bret.

Ah. Motorcycle magazines.

- She must like tough guys.
- Tough guys?

Yeah.

Jemaine,
come and look at this.

- There's Greg, see?
- Yeah.

- Look how sad he looks.
- He looks normal.

Who's that
he's talking to?

Might be a businessman,
do you think?

- I don't know.
- Jemaine.

I want you
to be my wingman.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

Distract his mate
while I apologize to Greg.

Come on.

I don't know what
to say to a businessman.

Business stuff... you know,
stock exchange, calculators.

Hey. Hey, guys.

- Hey, guys.
- Mind if we join you?

Actually, we're in the middle
of a meeting, Murray.

Oh, like that,
is it, Greg?

No no, it's fine.
Please sit down.

Hi there.

- Well... hi, Greg.
- I like your tie.

Well, Greg,
I just wanted to say sorry

you know, for telling Helen that
you ate those sandwiches.

I know everyone's
been talking about it.

I just wanted you to know that
I know you're innocent.

And... oh, I got you
some chocolates from my desk.

They're a bit
squashed, but...

Thank you, Murray.

No breaking
through that wall of ice, is there?

Another chocolate.

Thank you.

- Come on, Jemaine, let's go.
...2- 3-6.

- Jemaine.
- This is a fun game.

- Do you ever play it online?
- Uh...

- No, Jemaine doesn't
go online.

- Come on, let's...
- Okay. Sorry, Sven, I have to go.

- It was nice to meet you.
- Good to meet you.

Bret, I don't want
to be your wingman anymore.

- What? Why not?
- It's tiring.

- I'm exhausted.
- One last thing.

- No.
- I bump into Savannah tonight,

you mug us and I beat you up
a little bit.

- Okay.
- Yeah?

- Where'd you get this idea?
- I saw it on a sitcom.

- Did it work on the sitcom?
- Not completely, no,

but this is real, so I think we've got
a better chance.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Who...
- The goldfish guy...

- Oh.
...like, "Can I get a goldfish?"

- Okay, yeah, I kinda...
- Yeah?

Yeah, you look
kind of familiar.

Yeah, I've bought, like,
63 goldfish off you.

- Oh, that's a lot.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Do you want me to walk you home?
- Oka... all right. Okay.

I'm happy to be your bodyguard.
This is a dangerous corner.

Okay, when they come past,
we have to jump on them.

- Yeah yeah, I know.
- You got it?

Yeah, I've got it. I've done
this before. I know what to do.

And Bret is going to
beat us up a little bit.

Yeah, if he does that,
I'll fucking kill him.

No. No no no no.
Don't kill him.

If that piece of shit
lays a finger on me,

- I will fuck him up.
- No, we've got to let him beat us,

and then Savannah
will be impressed that...

Right right.
No, that's right, that's right.

- You told me that.
- He thinks she likes macho guys.

Right, and then he looks good.
I've got it. Okay.

But the money... the money, 50-50,
right down the middle.

Okay? I'm not gonna do...

No, we have to let them
keep the purse.

- What? What?
- We have to let them keep the purse.

I told you...
did I not explain that?

- You know, this is bullshit.
- I should've explained that.

No, Jemaine,
this is bullshit.

I didn't come out here
to do pro bono work.

I do this for a living.
This is my profession.

You can't take advantage
of our friendship like this.

Well, I hope it doesn't
come across that way.

- I just love fish. Do you love fish?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah, I thought you'd love fish.
- I think so.

Man, fish are great.
I wish I was a fish.

Hey, I was gonn... l...

I was just gonna get some sushi
right down the block.

I don't know if you've eaten dinner.
Would you want to come with me?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh, good, okay.

Cool, so...

Should we go that way
and go around the block?

I'm doing
pretend muggings.

- How's this look?
- What the fuck is on your face?

I just thought it would make me
look more criminal.

Take it off.
You're like the Hamburglar.

That guy fucking scares me.
Take that off.

You're creeping me out.

Oh, here they come.
Here they come.

- Let's fuck 'em up!
- No, John... no, John!

- Down... ooh.
- Hey, give me that!

- Hey! Hey, you! Hey, leave her alone!
- No, let go of my bag!

- Oh my... oh my God!
- Give me that!

Give me that!
Let go of...

Oh my God! Oh my God!

- No, give me my purse!
- Oh! Oh no.

- Let go!
- Okay okay okay okay!

- Oh my... Hello?
- Oh! Ow.

Someone help!
Police!

What did you bring him for?

He's the only mugger
I know, isn't he?

- Oh, he just busted my nose.
- Help!

Go away! Go away!

Get... get out of here,
you freaking mugger!

Oh my gosh,
are you okay?

Are you... oh my God!

That was ridiculous!

- Are you all right?
- Yeah. Thank God I was here.

Well, yeah, I guess, except that
they took my purse and my...

- They stole your bag?
- Yes, they stole...

- yeah, they stole my bag.
- They're not supposed to do that.

Well, yeah, I know
they're not supposed to,

but they di...
of course... what?

Would you still like to get
a little bit of sushi?

- Okay.
- Yeah?

Is your nose okay?

It's okay, yeah.

I'm just so glad
I was here to save you.

- Let's get the sushi.
- Huh. All right. Okay.

Oh, it worked.
They're walking away together.

I know.

Hey, you weren't maced.
Why are you crying?

I'm not fucking crying.

Did... have you
still got that purse?

Yeah, I'm sorry.
It's force of habit.

- It was us.
- Put your hands down, asshole.

Well, Officer,
it's quite simple.

There's been a misunderstanding.
You see, Jemaine here is

a member
of the New Zealand consulate staff,

so therefore he's subject to
diplomatic immunity.

Do you have
any identification for yourself

or the gentleman
in question?

Okay, there's a card.

"Jemaine Clemaine,
New Zealand diplomat."

This looks like
it was made

on one of those machines
you find at Kinko's.

That's right.
Yeah, we've got an account there.

We get them all done there.
And here's my one.

You can get
1,000 done for $10.

Where do you get
your cards done?

You've got badges,
have you? I suppose.

- Do you get those at Kinko's?
- I'm sorry. You are?

I'm Murray Hewitt.

I'm the deputy cultural attache for
the New Zealand government,

and this is
my assistant Greg.

- Hello.
- Hi.

He's actually angry
with me about something,

so I've brought him
in here as a treat.

We don't really need him, but it's
good to get him out of the office.

Look, the diplomat in question
was guilty of assault.

Typical.
Yeah, I understand.

He's sort of a bit
of a renegade, but...

- Okay, you can just take him with you
- Thank you.

Can we get
my friend John out as well?

- No.
- My friend John...

All right. Okay, Greg?
Friends again?

- Uh, sure, Murray.
- Come here.

All right. I knew bringing you here
was a good thing.

- Sorry about the sandwiches, okay?
- Mm-hmm. Sure.

It's good to have
the vibe back to what we had.

You know what? Gentlemen,
I'm actually quite busy at the moment,

so if you could maybe do this
some other time, maybe?

Sorry, Officer.
Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you
for having me, Officer.

Hey, what's up?
It's Dave.

Remember... tell her
you're freaky, Bret.

Would you like peanut butter
or a jam sushi?

Tell her you're freaky, Bret.
Tell her you're freaky.

I would love neither...

And Jemaine says can you come
and get him out of jail.

...if that's okay with you.
- Okay.

- Who was that?
- Um, uh... pfft.

- I'm freaky.
- Uh, what?

Did I mention that I'm one of those
sort of freaky guys?

I don't think that
you mentioned that.

Yeah, I'm freaky.

# Girl, I'm gonna take
the month of August off #

# Just to get you off #

# I'm freaky #

# I'm gonna clear
the tabletop #

# We're gonna need a mop #

# I'm freaky #

# Let's take a photo
of a goat in a boat #

# Then we can float
in the moat #

- # And be freaky #
- # Freaky #

# Let's take my body
and we'll cover it with honey #

# Stick some money
to the honey #

# Now I'm covered
in money, honey #

# I go outside
onto the ledge #

# And push my ass
against the glass #

# You can act
like you don't know me #

# I take a cup and then
I put it on my head #

# And I just stand there
being freaky #

# With a cup
on my head #

# I told you
I was freaky #

# I told you
I was freaky, baby #

# You did not
believe me #

# Don't look at me #

# I told you
I was freaky #

# Look at me #

# Girl,
let's get freaky #

# Let's make two life-size cardboard
cutouts of our bodies #

# And then pose them
into sensual positions #

# I'll paint the wallpaper pattern
onto your naked skin #

# Stand against the wallpaper
and get off like chameleons #

# I'll flip
some clips on my lips #

# I'll clip some chips
to your hips #

# I'll nibble chips
off your hips #

# And watch
the moon eclipse #

# I'll go outside,
get some leaves #

# And pretend
to be a tree #

# You can be
a squirrel #

# And store
my nuts for me #

# I told you
I was freaky #

# He told you
he was freaky, baby #

# You didn't believe me #

# Take that off #

# I told you
I was freaky #

# Put this on #

# Girl, I do
this shit weekly #

# Let's steal my roommate's
pillow feathers #

# And make
some homemade wings #

# Gonna fly so high
on makeshift pillow wings #

# Girl, could you believe #

# We're flying
on homemade pillow wings? #

# Oh! #

# I told you
I was freaky #

# I told you
I was freaky, baby. #

Hey.
Hey, Jemaine.

- How was your night?
- Uh, well,

it was pretty exhausting,
actually, Bret.

I don't think...

Is that my honey?

Maybe.

Is that my money jar?

Hey, Jemaine,
did I introduce you to Savannah?

Oh, hey.

- Oh, hi.
- Hey.

Uh, I'm gonna
go get changed.

I owe you $14.

You know,
how's it going with her?

It's good. I think
it's going pretty well.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. It's just the first date.

- Yeah, of course it is.
- Hey.

Hey.

Wow, you look
a lot like, uh,

- that guy who mugged us.
- Yeah, well, it was him.

Yeah, it was me.

I actually asked him
to pretend to mug us

so I could save you
and impress you,

so we could
get to know each other better.

Oh my... you what?
But you stole my bag.

Uh, yeah, we did.

Well, he wasn't supposed to
take the bag, but...

But there was a miscommunication.

I know. I'm sorry, because I know
you had the money

to pay your electricity bill
in there probably.

- You...
- $145.

Don't worry, I paid that...
well, I paid $10 off it.

How do you know
about my electricity bill?

Well, I just went through your rubbish
and I found your bill.

How do you even know
where I live?

- Common knowledge.
- I followed you home.

- Bret.
- What? Well, we followed you home.

- Oh my God. This is sick.
- He... mostly him.

What? I'm not sick.

Please please don't come
to the pet store again.

A lot of these were his idea.
Let me wa...

- let me show you out.
- No, that's okay.

- So you're single?
- I'm fine, thank you.

Goodbye. Thank you.

She's a bit crazy.

Do you want me to give you
a hand breaking up with her?

Yeah, that'd be good,
actually.

# Here I am,
all dressed in snakeskin #

# Now I'm in the kitchen
making love to your cake tin #

# Oh no, is this
the one you bake in? #

# I told you I was freaky,
did you think I was faking? #

# At 8:00 P.M. I sell
my underpants on eBay #

# At half-past 9:00 I hold
a seance in your hallway #

# At 10:00 I ask
some ghosts for a three-way #

# Yes, it's creepy,
I told you I was freaky #

# I told you
I was freaky #

# He told you
he was freaky, baby #

# You did not
believe me #

# Take that off #

# I told you
I was freaky #

# Put this on #

# Girl, I do
this shit weekly. #