Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 2, Episode 7 - Prime Minister - full transcript

Foiled by the White House, Murray arranges a presidential meeting for the visiting Prime Minister of New Zealand; a tribute gig ends with Jemaine getting mixed up with an Art Garfunkel fanatic.

- Hi, Murray.
- Hey. I'll say hello in a minute, guys.

It looks busy out there.
It's like an office.

Guys, I'll have to be quick today
I'm afraid. Here we are.

Band meeting.
Brett, present.

- Jemaine, present. Murray...
- Why didn't you let us say present?

I'm trying to save
time here, Jemaine.

That wouldn't have
saved much time.

I can't have time wastage, all right?
I'm stressed out.

- Do you want to know why?
- No.

All right, I'll tell you.
The Prime Minister

of New Zealand is
coming to New York...



- Really?
- Yeah?

...and I've been appointed his aide.

- Oh, wow. Congratulations.
- We might even go to Washington

and meet
the President of America.

Oh, really?
Will the queen be there?

No, it's not a big do.
It's just a small party.

Actually... Greg, has the President
of America returned my call?

- No, Murray.
- Oh, you're there, Greg, lurking.

How long have
you been lurking there?

Doesn't matter. Can you call
the White House again, please?

- Sure.
- Okay. Dismissed.

Likes to lurk there,
doesn't he?

Oh, I've got you a gig.

- Great.
- Oh, yeah?



Here we go. There's some
clothes for you, Jemaine.

- Oh, thanks.
- And here's a nice coat for you, Bret.

- Thank you.
- Oh, and also...

here's a wig.
You could wear that.

- A wig? What does Bret need a...
- Yeah. It's for the gig, okay?

- What, a wig for the gig?
- Mm-hmm.

- I have to wear this?
- Yeah, that's your one.

The only thing you'll need is...

are you familiar with the songs
of Simon & Garfunkel?

You've booked us a gig
as a Simon & Garfunkel tribute act?

- Ah.
- Haven't you?

- You're onto it.
- You're trying to disguise it.

I tried to disguise it
as a gift, okay?

- I'll admit it.
- We don't sing other people's songs.

Oh, I know, Bret,
but here's the thing:

I listened
to some of their songs,

and they're actually better
than your songs.

And this is a great
opportunity to do them.

You do their songs,
you can look like them.

But they've already
done their songs.

Well, it's better
than your last gig.

It was barely a gig, wasn't it?

We went into a karaoke bar
and you put our names on the list.

- Exactly.
- That's not a gig.

- Yeah, it was. It was a bad gig.
- It's not a gig.

It wasn't even a gig.

It's not a bad gig.
That's just a karaoke night.

You don't need a manager,
'cause you don't get paid.

- You just put your name on the list.
- Well, we know that now.

We're still in
a learning phase, aren't we?

You've been managing us
for two years.

Yeah, I know, but that's the first time
I've been to that karaoke bar.

My point is, guys, this gig
I'm giving you now is a legitimate gig.

It's from an agency
that books lookalikes.

Well, we don't look
like Simon & Garfunkel.

Well, here's the thing... the actual
lookalikes don't look anything alike,

and they don't look like
the guys they're supposed to look like,

and they're busy.
So I went in there

and you know what?
You look just like they do.

So we look like some
Simon & Garfunkel lookalikes

who don't look like
Simon & Garfunkel?

That's right.
What a blessing.

- So, you happy to do it?
- No, clearly not.

- No, we're not doing it.
- I'll have to put that $50 back then.

- $50?
- $50 each.

# Have her make me
a cambric shirt #

# I need a shirt #

# Parsley, sage,
rosemary and thyme #

# And thyme #

# Without a seam
nor fine needle... #

Look at that, man.
They've got apples.

- Oh, really?
- Guys. Bloody brilliant, all right?

- Thanks, Elton.
- It's good to see someone else up there

just... like me, just kind of doing
my thing, you know?

You're doing Elton John's
thing really, though.

I'm doing my thing which is
doing Elton John's thing.

- Oh yeah? What's he doing then?
- He's doing his thing.

- His thing, which is the same thing.
- I'm doing... l...

my thing, though,
is to do Elton John's thing

which is why I said
I'm doing my thing...

- Doesn't he go into the thi...
- Maybe you didn't hear the first thing

I said.
Whatever, but... all right, look.

Point: Right there.

They booked another
Elton John act same night as me,

dressed exactly like me...
1973 "Honky Chateau" outfit.

There is a guy
who is not doing his own thing.

There's a guy who doesn't
have a single original idea in his head.

- He's doing Elton John's thing.
- He looks like you.

- Yeah. No, he's doing my thing when...
- Hey, John.

Oh, hold me closer,
tiny dancer.

- Hello.
- Did you see Elton #2?

Oh, eh, yes.
Well, let me introduce you

to two very talented
young men.

This is Parsley
and this is Sage.

- Hello, Sage.
- Hi.

They filled in for the guys
from Troubled Waters.

One of them had
a bladder infection.

Oh, that's too bad.

You were wonderful.

I feel honored to meet you.

- Oh.
- Ooh.

Can you feel some love tonight?

Hey, want to see a guy who looks
just like Bono from U2?

- Oh yeah yeah?
- Yeah, but real muscular. Come here.

Cool.

- You look great.
- Oh.

I usually look better than this.

- I like your height.
- I'm usually this height.

Do you like bubble baths?

Sorry, I'm getting
ahead of myself.

Would you like to go to dinner
with me tomorrow night?

Uh, I'll just see
if I'm available. Yes.

Bret, this girl asked me out.

- Oh, the prime minis...
- Shh shh.

- The prime minister.
- Yes, he's terribly jet-lagged.

He thinks it's tomorrow.
Don't wake him.

Hey, can you take
a photo of me with him?

- Yeah, okay.
Get in, Bret.

- Can you move just...
- He's waking up. Get out. Go on, go.

He's seen you.
Come back, he's seen you.

Sorry about that, Murray.
Dropped off there. Bloody jet lag.

- What day is it, yesterday?
- No, it's today, sir.

Oh, yes.
Of course it is.

Oh, well,
let me introduce you, Prime Minister.

These are two
of the leading lights

of the New Zealand/New York
artistic community.

Oh, yeah?
Artists, are you?

Good on you.
What sort of thing do you paint?

- Nudes?
- No, we're a band, Your Honor.

Well, I'm Bryan,
the Prime Minister of New Zealand.

- Yes, we know that.
- It's very nice to meet you, my lord.

You're gonna have to excuse me.
I'm just a bit jetlagged. What a flight.

I watched a couple of films
on the way over though,

but my screen broke
halfway through "Cars."

Have you seen the film "Cars," Murray?
Do you know what happens at the end?

Let me just...
Greg, the prime minister

wants to know what happens
at the end of the movie "Cars."

- Okay.
- Specifically, I'd like to know

what happens between
the main car and the girl car.

Greg, just an update here:
The prime minister wants to know

specifically between
the main car and the girl car...

- do they get together at the end?
- Yes, I believe they do.

- Oh. They do get together.
- Good. Touch and go there for a while.

- Thank you for that. Well done.
- That's all right.

That's the sort of thing
we should be doing in New Zealand.

- I'll make a note of it.
- Yeah, do make a note of that.

"Talking cars." I'll put you down
as one of the creators, though,

- 'cause you came up with this concept.
- I think so. Yeah.

- Put me down as a creator.
- Okay. Do you mind

if I put my name on there as well,
Prime Minister? Just as...

- Put it down "Murray, co-creator."
- Oh, thanks very much.

Okay, well, we'll be
seeing you around, guys.

Oh, did Murray tell you I'm meeting
the president? When is that, Murray?

Uh, well, I'm still sort of
ironing out the finer details,

but at the moment
it's scheduled in for this Friday.

What have I got booked
until then, Murray?

Well, I thought you could
go on a guided tour

of the cultural sights
of New York City.

Perhaps these two guys
could guide you.

Oh, great. Good on you.

I'll look forward to it. Oh, well.

What a great man.

Murray, you should be taking
him on the tour of New York.

I'm sorry, guys, okay?
I'm in real trouble here,

all right? I haven't organized
the meeting with the president

and the prime minister
doesn't know.

But, Murray, we can't take
the prime minister around.

- We don't know how to do that.
- Yes, you can. It's easy.

- Doesn't he need a bodyguard?
- He's the prime minister.

- A bodyguard?
- Yeah.

- Well, there you go... Bret.
- What, me?

Yeah, you can offer protection.

Well, is there
a New Zealand government gun?

Yeah, but the army's got that.

You could just pretend
you've got a gun,

so just put your hand
in your jacket like that.

Don't move.

Don't pull that out,
'cause that's obviously not a gun.

- Oh, yeah yeah.
- When you pull it out, just go

- "It's still in there." Okay?
- Okay, all right.

Anything else?

Hello, is that Warrick?

Is that Warrick?
Yeah, hi, it's Bryan.

These are...
these are FBI style.

These have actually been worn
by the FBI on several occasions.

How's the country going?
No, seriously, how's it going?

- Who is that guy?
- The Prime Minister of New Zealand.

- What language is he talking?
- English.

Yeah, now look,
how's the environment going?

- Well, can we clean it up a bit?
- Yeah, maybe.

Well, I don't know.
Just get some of your cousins together

and just clean it up a bit.

Dave, I'm going on a date
with a woman tonight.

- Gonna bang her?
- She didn't mention that.

- She mentioned dinner.
- Oh.

Well, let me know how it goes.

- Okay.
- I thought so.

Hey, where'd you get
"The Matrix"?

This has just come out
in New Zealand.

Hello. Yes.

Could I please speak
to the president, please?

How do you know
I called before?

Oh, right, the number came up.
Well, yes. Yes, it is me,

um, but this time I've got
my prime minister here.

He wasn't here before,
but he's actually here now

and it's really become
an urgent matter

that I organize
the two great men to meet.

He's come all the way
from New Zealand.

New Zealand.

It is a country! Yes, it is!

All right. Thank you.

I'm busy as well.
I'm gonna go.

I'm going to have to
call you back, actually.

Thank you.

I mean, how do we know
that we're actually here

in America
and not part of the matrix?

I mean,
everything in your experience...

are we really here
or are we just part of a giant battery?

I don't really believe
in the matrix, Your Honor.

- No, neither do I.
- No, I don't believe in it either.

- No, of course not.
- It's just an interesting idea

that is open for discussion.

- I believe in the matrix, Your Majesty.
- I knew it. So do I.

You know why, Dave?
Have you ever had deja vu?

All the time. You know
what that is, don't you?

Glitch in the matrix.

Fuckin' a.

So, Sage, are you the hugest
Simon & Garfunkel fan or what?

Uh, yeah, I like
some of their songs,

like the one
about the fair, and...

"Scarborough Fair"-
parenthesis-"Canticle."

Yeah, is that the one
with the shopping list...

one guy has a shopping list
for another guy

with some herbs and spices...

Parsley, sage,
rosemary and thyme?

- Yes. Actually...
- Excuse me, ma'am.

There's a phone call for you.

Really? Be right back.

Jemaine. Jemaine.

Mel, what are you doing?
How did you get there?

Jemaine, she is crazy, dangerous.

I'm just trying
to be a good friend.

Would you please leave?
I'm trying to have a date.

I am warning you, Jemaine,
she is psycho.

I have been
watching you guys

and I have never seen
that kind of psychosis in my life.

Get out.
Get out of here, please.

There was no one there.

- That's weird.
- Mmm. That's... that's strange.

So can I ask you a question?

- Mm-hmm.
- What did you do to your hair?

Nothing. L... I put a little bit
more water in it than I usually do.

- It was different the other night.
- That was a wig.

It was a big, orange Afro wig.

You wouldn't mind
going home and changing

into what you were wearing
the other night, would you?

I was really attracted
to that, and now this.

Uh, yeah, I supp...
I suppose I could change.

Please. Now.

- Okay.
- Great. Thanks.

I'm just gonna make it
a little darker in here.

Um, are you sure that
I really need to wear...

- Just a little bit darker.
...the wig?

- A little bit darker.
- It's really dark in here.

Just a little bit...
and climb up here.

- Umm...
- I just need you to put your legs over

and block that light
with your head.

- I usually...
- It's kind of the right height

if you just...
could you just... yeah...

- take off your glasses?
- Oh, I like to keep my glasses on

- because I like to see if...
- Take them off.

I usually like
to see the details.

Do you always talk
with the accent?

- Yeah.
- Don't talk.

- Sing.
- Pardon?

Sing "Bright Eyes."

- I don't think that...
- Sing it.

- # Somewhere there are... #
- Don't sing.

Don't talk.

Oh, perfect.

# Demon woman #

# Demon woman #

# Demon woman,
your hair is like silk #

# But you're curdling my milk,
I know not of what ilk thou art #

# Demon woman,
woman demon #

# Demon woman,
you sit on a rock #

# Looking nice in your frock #

# But you're scaring
my livestock #

# Demon woman,
woman demon #

# Demon woman,
you're making me moan #

# Turn my bone into stone
and you're taking me home #

# To meet your familiars #

# Nice to meet you,
you cast your spell #

- # Very well #
- # Demon woman #

# Demon woman,
woman demon #

# Demon woman,
you cut puppies' toes off #

# Pull an animal's nose off,
how'd you magic my clothes off? #

# Demon woman,
take me back to your room #

# Make me howl at the moon #

# Make me pray
to the temple of womb #

# Demon woman,
woman demon #

# Your breasts are
balls of flame #

# And I'm burning my hands
playing these ballgames #

# Demon woman #

# Demon woman #

# Demon woman,
woman demon. #

Take a spoonful of cereal
so it looks like we're having breakfast.

- Hi, Jemaine.
- Hey, man.

Hey.

How come you've been
away for three days?

I was on that date
with that woman.

Why are you wearing
your Art Garfunkel costume?

I don't know. She just
prefers me to wear it.

Just one more photo, okay?
Just one more.

It's not weird.

- Yeah, it's weird.
- I didn't say it was weird.

- But it is, though. It is... it's weird.
- No no, it's really weird.

- Dave's right.
- It's also the coolest fucking thing

- I've ever heard in my whole life.
- Thank you.

No. You know what?
Go for it. Go for it.

Reap the benefits that being
in a tribute band bring.

I mean I've...
I've had women come up to me

and they say,
"Oh, Elton, I love you.

Please have my baby."

And I've had 11 children,
you know, all Elton babies.

- Elton John's gay though.
- And so am I when I'm in character.

- How long can you keep this up?
- I don't know.

A couple of years.

Yeah. No, the taxi fare
was outrageous.

It was 1,000
New Zealand dollars.

Yeah, but you're running the country
at the moment. Try to get it up.

Sir, there are no cell phones
allowed on this tour.

Listen, I've got to go.
I'm meeting with the president.

- Yeah, now.
- Sir, no cell phones.

- God, it's strict here.
- I know.

Good day. I'm Bryan, the Prime Minister
of New Zealand. How are you?

What are you two meeting
the president about?

- Sir, did you have a question?
- You ask.

Yes, when could
we meet with, you know...

- I think we're scheduled to see...
- El Presidente.

- Excuse me, sir.
- Look, I'm sorry. I'm Murray Hewitt.

This is the Prime Minister
of New Zealand.

Yeah. Hi, I'm Bryan,
the Prime Minister of New Zealand.

Just a sec.
I've got a card somewhere.

This is Greg.
He's on photographs.

And Bret here, he's a bodyguard.
Aren't you, Bret?

Here you go.

- This says "John."
- Yes, I know it says "John."

That was
the last prime minister.

We had 3,000 of those printed.
We couldn't just throw them away.

Still the same phone number,
isn't it, Murray?

Same phone number. Basically, when you
call up, just ask for Bryan, not John.

- It changes every three years.
- The thing is, we've got a meeting

with the big guy,
the chief. Chief to chief.

I can't allow you
into the Oval Office.

But we have
a meeting scheduled.

- You have a scheduled meeting?
- That's basically what I just said.

A meeting scheduled,
scheduled meeting.

- Isn't that right, Murray?
- Yeah. Well, you know,

there's scheduled meetings
and then there's chance meetings.

What I've done is
I've scheduled a chance meeting.

Look, I've got a 20 here,
an American 20.

We have a situation here
in the president's hallway.

- What's wrong? Are you okay?
- Hi, Mel.

Are you upset about something?
Is it that crazy bitch?

- My girlfriend, yes.
- Did she slap you around?

- No.
- Did she sleep around on you?

- No.
- Did she leave you?

- N-no.
- Oh.

Mel, can I tell you
something quite personal?

Yes. Oh, you can
tell me anything.

Please. You can trust me.
I am here for you.

She makes me dress up
as Art Garfunkel and have sex with her.

What? That is sick.

That is sickening.
That is disgusting.

What kind of desperate freak
goes along with something like that?

Well, I go along with it.

She calls it Garfunkeling.

- Oh.
- I think I've got low self-esteem.

I'm sorry. I'm just...
I was just so disgusted

by what you did, I can't even focus
on what you're saying anymore.

I was just saying I have
quite low self-esteem now.

Do you wanna...

rest your head on my bosoms?

That's fine, Mel.
Thank you.

Emergency New Zealand
government meeting.

Item #1:
What's the story, Murray?

Well, sir, you were supposed
to meet the president

and I was supposed
to organize it,

but Greg and I failed to do so.

Murray, you lied to me.

I'm feeling that feeling
where you go...

- Angry?
- No, more than that. One up from that.

- Oh, livid.
- I'm just so livid with you, Hewitt.

I really wanted
to meet the president.

I'm just so disappointed.

I told everyone back in New Zealand
that I was gonna meet the president.

I told my mom I was
gonna meet the president.

What am I gonna tell her
when I get back there

and say that I couldn't
meet the president?

I'm going to look
like a complete and utter turkey.

You're not the turkey, sir.

Greg and I are the turkeys.

I'm sorry.

Was that an official apology?

Yes, sir.

"Official apology made
by Murray Hewitt.

Apology accepted."

- Thank you, sir.
- Good.

Well, we've still got
the barbeque to look forward to.

You know, I was thinking
about that, Murray.

A barbeque is a bit old-fashioned,
don't you think?

What about
a fondue party instead?

- Yes.
- Yes.

I mean, I've got
the cheese covered.

- All right.
- And what could you bring, Murray?

- The salads, perhaps?
- Definitely.

- Bret, what can you bring?
- I can make half a dozen croutons.

Do you think you can go
higher than half a dozen?

- 900?
- They'd be very small,

- almost like crumbs.
- 900... I think that's too many.

Try and split the difference.

Try and come down from 900
but up from six or seven.

I could probably make
15 croutons if you like.

Excellent.
Excellent idea.

You're showing promise,
young man.

- All right.
- "Brett's shown promise.

P.M."

Well.

Who could that be?
Would you get that?

Mel?

- Hello.
- Oh. Hello, Art Garfunkel.

Sorry, is... is Karen in?

Karen, uh...

Art Garfunkel is at the door.

Oh, God!
I'll be there in a minute.

- Hi, Karen.
- Art, what are you doing here?

Karen, how long are you
going to keep doing this?

Doing what? I don't know
what you're talking about.

Come on, I know you still
have feelings for me.

Wow. You are
really self-obsessed.

It's all "me me me,"
isn't it?

Well, this is my boyfriend Sage.
We have a very healthy relationship.

- You can't stand that, can you?
- Come on.

Another Art Garfunkel impersonator?

- Um, I should go.
- No no no.

You know, if you thought
a little bit less about yourself

and a little bit more about me,
then I wouldn't have to do this.

I think of nothing other than you

and I know
you still think about me.

- Is that true?
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- So...

- I don't understand.
- Don't do that to me anymore.

- L... I will go.
- I missed you.

- This is like the 12th one?
- I just...

Hello? Don't...

Greg, just turn down...
down the gain.

Sorry. Hello, everyone.

Welcome to
the prime minister's fondue party.

Now just to let you know,

there's over four different kinds
of cheeses to try tonight

and they've all been brought
all the way from New Zealand

by our very own prime minister.

Now the prime minister, he came
to the US to meet the president.

Unfortunately,
events transpired or didn't transpire.

The White House...
very hard to get ahold of

and anyway, it didn't happen.

So what I've done is I've managed
to pull some strings myself

- and I've got him here tonight.
- What?

Please put
your hands together...

the 44th President
of the United States!

Kiss me. Kiss me.

Bret?

- Oh, hey, Jemaine.
- Oh.

- Hello.
- Oh, sorry.

- I thought...
- Hi... hi, Jemaine.

- Good night.
- Okay, just drive.

Just drive, Doug. Just drive.

Mr. President, I'd like you
to meet the man responsible

for this historic occasion...
Murray Hewitt...

who's the Deputy Cultural Attache
for New Zealand here in New York.

Oh, yeah, I met him back
at the agency.

I also do Usher
and sometimes Will Smith.

The agency?
What's he talking about, Murray?

The CIA would be the agency.

Actually, he's probably talking
about codewords... Operation Will Smith.

- Well.
- So can I get a beer?

Absolutely. Someone get
the President of the USA a beer, please.

Let's get him
New Zealand beer, Greg.

- We should get a photo.
- Yeah, a photo would be great.

Greg, photo opportunities.

Forget the beer.
Let's do some photos.

Actually, take autofocus off
and stand back a bit.

- All right.
- Now could we get one

where it makes it looks like
you're taking my advice?

This is probably the one
we're gonna run in the paper, so...

Okay, now one where we're just
eye to eye, like we're equals.

Actually, if you could
just pop down a bit...

- just a little bit, yeah?
- Go on tiptoes, Bryan.

That's great. Now one where
we're shaking hands

as if we've just done
a really important trade deal.

- Good deal, Prime Minister.
- Yeah, good good.

Okay, now let's get
one of your "Matrix" guys in

and we'll make out
like we've got guns.

He has got a gun, hasn't he?

Let's stand as if
we're Charlie's Angels,

'cause this one's
for my kid's room.

Really big
"Charlie's Angels" fan. Okay?

Okay, that was great.

Now let's get Bono
and Elton John in for the next one.

I knew it...
a bloody glitch. I knew it!

He's going for the edge!
Go and get him, Greg!

Hey, Jemaine.

You're home... early.

- Hey.
- These are some of my new friends.

Bret, are you rehearsing
Paul Simon's solo stuff?

No.