Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 1, Episode 9 - What Goes on Tour? - full transcript

Okay, band meeting.

- Murray, present. Bret, present.
- Mm-hmm.

Jemaine, present.
All right,

I haven't got time
for your time wasting.

Today I've got to
move fast.

We've got some
really good news.

We've got our
biggest gig ever.

Is it
the Grand Canyon one?

No, there's no gigs
at the Grand Canyon.

Wouldn't have to be that big to be our
biggest gig ever.

Okay, enough guesses.
I'm gonna tell you.



- You ready?
- Mm-hmm.

Ah... Central Park.

- Central Park?
- Yes.

- Really?
- Confirmed this morning.

- Headlining.
- Headlining at Central Park?

- Yes.
- Us?

- Yes.
- Me and Bret?

- Yes!
- Bret as well?

Yes, the two of you.

As... as you are,
okay?

I mean, you've got to be
on the top of your game,

which is why I've booked
us into a warm-up tour.

Here's your itineraries.

Murray, you said we couldn't afford
to go on tour.



Well, I've said a lot
of things in my time, Bret.

Not all of it's
worth listening to,

but let's just say
this time around, it is.

I've dipped into the Flight of the
Conchords emergency fund.

What emergency fund?

Well, I'm not really
at liberty to say,

but...

okay?

- Where'd you get that from, Murray?
- Don't worry about it.

- Well, whose money is it?
- I'm not at liberty to say.

Just, don't worry
about it.

Murray, have you
organized a tour before?

Yes, of course I have.
What do you think this is?

Was it a band tour?

A rugby tour...

I've organized.
Same thing.

- Not really.
- Yes.

Players play the game,
you guys play the guitar.

Don't they? They kick the ball,
you kick the... jams.

So we have to get up
at 7:00 in the morning

and do 200 squat-thrusts?

Oh no, some of these
won't, um, apply to you.

Just look for the ones I've...
I've crossed out there,

and I've put red pen.
Look for the red pen instructions.

How big's the bus
gonna be? The tour bus?

This is the tour bus,
Jemaine.

This isn't a tour bus.

It says here we're
gonna have a tour bus.

No, that's the rugby
itinerary, isn't it?

All right,
there's only two of you.

You're not a big rugby team,
you don't need a bus.

Oh, I thought we were
getting a tour bus.

No, that's the rugby itinerary, Bret.
All right?

You can see there I've
crossed out "bus," haven't I?

Yeah, you crossed out "bus,"
and you wrote "bus."

Yeah, I got confused there.
I didn't know what to do.

"Honda Accord" was too big
to fit in the gap there,

so I put "bus" back in.

I knew as soon as I wrote it, there'd be
some sort of controversy.

Let me tell you
a little secret, Bret.

You'll like this.

Sometimes late at night
when I'm driving alone,

I imagine
this is a bus.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Is that... a bit silly,
is it, Bret?

- No, that's cool.
- Is it?

- Mmm.
- I thought you'd like that.

- So you're the bus driver?
- Yeah.

That's cool.

Oh.

- Shelly.
- Oh, how's Shelly?

I thought
you were separated.

No, we're back
together, remember?

You asked me
why I was crying.

I said it was the happiest day
of my life.

You don't remember that?

Mmm, no.

Hey, sweetheart.
How are you?

What?

Uh, no, it was
an emergency.

Look, it's a temporary withdrawal
from the checking fund, all right?

The savings
should be okay.

Right. No, yeah,
okay, so I...

I transferred most of the savings into
the checking account.

But look, it's just
temporary, all right?

We'll get it back.
Don't worry.

We'II... we will.
We will get it back.

We'll get it back, okay?

We will!

Say hi from me.

What? No.

Look, Shelly,

those two effing idiots are good friends
of mine, okay?

And no, they're not... it's nothing to do
with them, okay?

I'm not even
managing them anymore.

Look, I've got to go.
Bret says hi.

I mean, ages ago
when I last saw him.

All right?
All right, bye-bye.

Is everything
all right, Murray?

Absolutely, yeah.

That reminds me...
Jemaine?

Jemaine?

Are your immigration papers
up to date?

Well, that's your job to
check our immigration papers.

- I don't know.
- Yeah, right, well anyway...

I'm just wondering 'cause there's been
a car tailing us

for the last hour.

It's probably Mel
stalking us.

Well, hey, guys!

What a coincidence!

Ha ha!

Hey, Mel.

What time
do we take off?

- What do you mean?
- What time's our flight?

We're not flying anywhere.

Why are we
at an airport?

That's where
the gig is, Jemaine.

- It's at the airport.
- At the airport?

Yeah, well here,
at the hotel...

in the lounge.

Come on, it's time
for the gig. Let's go.

# Who likes to rock the party? #

# We like to rock
the party #

Um, well thank you
very much,

um, to the La Guardia
Hotel lobby...

- um...
- Shut up, Bret.

Uh, thank you for having us.
It's been a real treat.

And thank you
just for being here...

Don't... don't do your
embarrassing speeches.

We're Flight
of the Conchords,

and thank you again.

Thank you. CDs and T-shirts are
for sale at the desk there.

- Well?
- Brilliant.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, as always.

Really good.
Good speech too, Bret.

- Thanks, it was all right.
- Yeah. What a night, eh?

Well, it's only the middle
of the afternoon, though.

- So? You know, it's a hot venue.
- Oh, yeah yeah.

Yeah? This is good.
Listen to the crowd.

There's hardly
anyone here.

Yeah, it's subsided now.
A lot of people have...

gone to get their flights,

but it's really good.
Oh, before I forget.

Uh, I've got
your per diems, okay?

So, here we go.

- Jemaine.
- Oh great.

Yeah. Bret.

Okay?
Off you go.

I'll see you in
an hour for dinner.

- Thanks, Murray.
- Have fun.

And the point of a per diem, as I think
I made quite clear,

is that it's to be spent on food
and necessary items, all right?

Not leather suits.
It's a total waste of money.

It's necessary for...

Now you've got
no money for food...

or necessary items.

Perhaps you could give us an advance
on tomorrow's per diem?

You've spent
tomorrow's per diem.

The per diem I gave you
for was for the week.

Could I have some of your chips
please, Murray?

You can have
a few of them.

"Per diem" means
for the day, though. See?

Well, I don't
know Latin.

Well, you should have
said..."per weekem,"

- would be the correct term.
- Regardless, Jemaine.

Per diem, per weekem, you don't go
spending it on bloody leather suits.

- Don't you?
- No.

Can I have some of the chips that
you said Bret could have?

Bret!

- Oh, do you want some of my chips?
- Oh, forget it now.

They're yours now.

Hey, Murray, do you want
to see what else we got?

No, I don't, Bret,
actually.

I don't want to see anything
you've got there

unless it's food
or necessary items.

I'm so livid
with you turkeys.

You're like a couple
of cool-Iooking idiots.

We'll get it back. We will get it back,
all right?

Just call me tomorrow,
but don't call me at work.

Do not call me
at work, all right?

I don't want them asking silly questions
as to why I'm not at work, okay?

It's just
gonna get like...

hello? Hello?

Okay, love you too!
Bye-bye!

- Hey, Bret.
- That Shelly?

Yeah yeah.

- She good?
- Yeah, it's all good.

Jemaine said you wanted
to have a meeting?

Um, nothing's scheduled.

Is it about
leather suits?

I don't blame you
for the leather suits, Bret.

- That's a classic rock 'n' roll move.
- Thank you.

- Really good.
- Thanks.

Which is why I know
Jemaine came up with it.

- No.
- Yeah.

You must have
followed him, did you?

What, don't you think I'm capable
of a classic rock 'n' roll move?

No, you're not like that.
That's Jemaine all over it.

That reminds me,

just, you know, keep
an eye on Jemaine, okay?

We're on tour now. Brings out
the crazier side of someone like him.

- Okay.
- Okay, just watch him.

All right, well he's
having a sleep.

- Oh, is he?
- Yeah.

Probably not his bed,
though? Eh?

- Yes, his bed.
- Is it?

- Yeah.
- He'd be lying on top of it, though.

He won't be... won't be in it.
He'll be on top...

No, he's tucked in.
It's boring.

- Oh, is he?
- Yeah.

Probably, uh, he's having a rest.
Getting ready for tonight.

He was watching TV. He wanted to see
what the weather was gonna be like.

Oh, wow.

Probably looking for some thunderstorms
to rock out in.

You watch him,
all right?

Oh, it's hilarious.

Oh, you've got to see this,
Bret, it's so... so funny.

What's happening?

Uh, well the guys with the suits
are putting on this big show now,

and everyone's
just loving it.

No, don't move it,
don't move it.

Gotta be in exactly
the right place.

It's your turn to hold it, man.
My arms are sore.

I can't hold it. I'm in the middle
of a movie.

This is
a critical point.

Aw. You ruined
the reception.

Do you want anything
from the minibar?

- No.
- No?

We're not allowed stuff
from the minibar.

- Yeah, I know, but...
- Do not get anything from the minibar.

- Just getting some nuts...
- Don't get anything.

I'll just get some mixed nuts.
It's all right. I've already taken...

Oh! Oh!

Room fee, check.

Lodging tax, check.

Well, somebody had a bit of fun
last night, didn't they, Jemaine?

- What?
- $8 can of mixed nuts.

They must have
been pretty good.

Got so much buzz out of them that you
chucked a television out the window.

- Actually, Murray, that was me.
- Don't cover for him, Bret.

I know how rock 'n' roll he thinks
he is... Mr. Keith Moon.

- It wasn't Jemaine, it was me.
- Really?

- Yes.
- I see what you're doing.

You're watching Jemaine
with his rock 'n' roll moves,

buying the leather suits,
getting the mixed nuts,

jumping on the bed. And you thought,
"Oh, how can I equal this?"

- Is that what it is?
- No.

Would you like
some mixed nuts?

Have you got
any cashews in there?

- No, I picked them out.
- Typical.

One, two, check.

Check.

Hi, I'm Murray Hewitt from
Murray Hewitt Productions.

- Hi, Murray.
- I've got Flight of the Conchords.

We're just on
a warm-up tour.

Really looking forward
to doing a gig here tonight.

These are the guys that destroyed
all that equipment the other night

- in Passaic!
- Yeah.

Yeah, um...

I paid it back!

We reimb...

Guys, I just need
a moment alone, all right?

Hey, has your suit
snugged up a little bit?

In certain areas, yes.

And in other areas,
also yes.

Hey, I was wondering if you guys
could settle a bet for me?

What sort of bet?

Are you guys
in a band?

Yes. Is it that obvious?

I knew it, I totally
knew it. They are!

See? 'Cause the...
the second I saw

the cool leather suits,
I just knew it.

They're a dead giveaway,
aren't they? Just...

- Totally.
- Mmm.

Becky thought you guys
were probably just

a couple of magicians, and Kathy, Lisa,
Tawny and Tracy

thought you were probably
just a couple of gays.

Looks like Becky
and Kathy were wrong.

And Lisa and Tawny
and Tracy... what was it?

You guys want to join us
for some drinks or something?

Uh, we just got
two fresh waters, so...

We'd be delighted.

Hey, why are you all
dressed the same?

- Are you guys a band?
- Are you sexy nurses?

What? No, we're the North Jersey
University Women's Water Polo team.

N-J-U-W-W-P-T!

Whoo!

All right,
come on, then.

Do you guys have
water polo in New Zealand?

Do we? Pfft.

- Do we?
- Yeah, it's... everyone plays it.

- It's our national sport.
- Yeah, it's our national sport.

- Every single person plays it, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Bret's mom plays it.
- Really?

- It's a beautiful game.
- That's perfect.

That is perfect.

I am totally
gonna save this autograph

for when
you guys are huge.

Then I will be able
to say that I knew...

- Bret?
- Yeah. Bret.

- Brit? Brit?
- Bret. Bret.

- Brit.
- Bret.

- Bret!
- Yeah yeah.

Sorry. What...
what's your last name?

Bret.

Bret Bret?

No, just joking.
It's McKenzie.

- Oh!
- Just joking.

He's got a great sense of humor.
Don't joke, please.

- Yeah, sorry about that.
- Don't joke, Bret...

- Sorry, I shouldn't have...
...it's confusing when you joke.

- That's my name, that's...
- I love your accent.

- Thank you.
- I have the same.

Say, "Throw another shrimp
on the barbie."

Oh, that's... that's an Australian
saying. New Zealand...

Throw another shrimp
on the barbie.

Crikey! Wha!

What do you guys say
we take this party upstairs?

Ho. I'd say... yes.

Uh well, what room
are you guys in?

- Um, 12...
- 1206.

- 1206.
- 12-zero-6. Write it down, Bret.

- 1206...
- Be... be tidy about it.

I like your "2."
It's nice.

So what is water polo?

It's like polo
but in the water.

On sea horses?

No, just swimming.

Oh, okay. Beautiful
swimming ladies.

Yeah, swimming
in the water,

- beautiful ladies.
- Wow.

Like mermaids.

Yes. Like mermaids.

# Mermaids #

# Mermaid #

# Mermaid #

# Mermaid #

- # Mermaid #
- # Mermaid #

- # Mermaid #
- # Mermaid #

# Mermaid, mermaid #

- # Mermaid #
- # Mermaid #

# Mermaid murmur #

# Into my ear #

# The answers
to questions #

# I'm longing
to hear #

# Does it relax you to hear
the sound of the land? #

# Do you, oh mermaid,
have slightly webbed hands? #

- Eww.
- # Ahh #

# Is it normal for a guy
to wear SCUBA apparatus #

- # When he makes love in the sea? #
- # Make love to me #

# Would it
be weird for you #

# If I touch your fishy half?
I know it would be for me #

# Do you have
mermaid parties #

- # Beneath the sea? #
- # Am I invited? #

# At these mermaid parties,
do you smoke seaweed? #

# If so, then how
do you light it? #

# Are you the answer to a drunken
sailor's Ionely wish? #

# Wish wish wish wish #

# Or are you an optical
illusion caused by #

# A woman sitting on a rock
holding half a fish? #

# Half a sexy fish. #

What's the time?

It's 4:35.

Mmm. You did tell them
room 1206, right?

Yeah, you were there.
I wrote it down.

Ah. Hmm.

Bret, do you
think maybe...

they're not coming,
maybe?

- What?
- Well...

we've been waiting
for five hours.

Hmm, maybe.

Do you feel like
a sparkling water?

Yeah, I'd love one.
I wanted one three hours ago,

but you said
Murray wouldn't let us.

Hang on a minute.

Murray?

- What?
- Are you sleeping?

Oh, I was, Bret.
Trying to, anyway.

- You comfortable?
- No.

- How's your party?
- Mmm, it's all right.

It's just Jemaine and me.
The girls didn't show up.

Aw. Never mind, eh?

Jemaine and I were wondering if we could
have a sparkling water.

- No.
- We really need it.

- No!
- Please?

- Not from the minibar.
- Please.

- No.
- Please.

Look, just pour some tap water
and blow some bubbles in it.

Mmm, it's not the same.

Come on, I want to
come out there.

Mmm, well the girls
still might show up.

Okay.

- Good night.
- Night night.

Okay, hang on a minute, guys.
I haven't settled the bill yet.

Just a few questions.

We didn't have anything
from the minibar.

No, I can see that, Bret.
"Minibar charge, 0.00."

Right here after "Drinks charged
to the room from hotel bar, $352."

How much was that water?

- The water was free.
- Hang on, mates!

Someone wants me
to move my car.

- Band meeting! I'm just...
- Waters were about $175.

I'm doing a...

- Here we are, two waters.
- Is that your signature?

- Mmm?
- Right there?

Oh no,
that's my autograph.

Yup, same... that's what
a signature is.

Okay, and there's
the room number.

- Uh...
- Oh is that...

Hang on, mate!

- Okay.
- Look, do us a favor and move the car.

- Go on, quickly.
- Oh, that's...

Go! Move the car.

This is your doing,
isn't it, Rod Stewart?

- You can tell.
- It wasn't me, actually.

The dead giveaway.
Look at all that money.

It was a women's
water polo team.

Okay, right,
that makes sense.

I'll tell them that.
"Yeah, sorry,

it was polo players."

Must happen
all the time, does it?

Well, I doubt if they're
gonna listen to you.

Is this a joke,
Jemaine?

- No.
- A big joke? $352 water polo joke?

- No.
- Let me just go and fix it, shall I?

Give me the keys.

Oh, they're in the car.

Idiot.

- Um, did you put the hand brake on?
- Is it...

Oh, flub.

I just don't understand
what happened.

I put the hand brake on.

Well that's what happened.
The Amer... on American cars,

the hand brake's
on this side.

Oh, I must have just
adjusted the seat.

Oh, very rock 'n' roll,
Bret.

More rock 'n' roll
than Jemaine.

That's what you were
going for, wasn't it?

Well, well done.
Mission accomplished.

First Jemaine
with the mixed nuts,

then the TV.

And finally, Bret, you drive my Honda
into the pool!

Personally, I prefer
the mixed nuts caper.

- At least that was original.
- Thank you.

Murray, I didn't actually
mean to put your car

into the swimming pool.

I didn't... I didn't mean
to buy those nuts.

Well, I didn't mean
to put all my efforts

into looking after a couple
of leather-clad lunatics

who don't give a damn about anyone
but themselves.

That's my mistake.

Well, we all... we've all
made a mistake each,

so it sort of
evens out.

No!
Okay, guys?

Look, the strategic union
of Flight of the Conchords

and Murray Hewitt Productions
is terminated.

- What are you talking about?
- What?

You know what I'm talking about.
I'm quitting!

You can't quit the band.
Bret usually quits the band.

Well, this is
my turn, okay?

I've had it
with you guys!

I'm so angry
I feel like swearing.

Oh Murray,
you wouldn't swear at us.

Go fuck yourself, Bret!

N-J-U-W-W-P-T!
Whoo!

Whoo!

Do you have
any money for a bus?

No, do you?

No, none.

I guess there's
no choice, really.

So, uh, have you
and Mel been...

following us
through this whole...

during this whole tour...
tour, Doug?

Uh, it seems like it.

Mel's in charge
of the itinerary.

She said she just wanted
to get away on a road trip,

get away from it all.

That him?

Uh, no that's just
some homeless guy.

Oh no, that is him!
Slow down, Doug.

We're very sorry,
Murray.

I'm not talking
to you guys.

Just give this to him.

Bret says just
give this to you.

Oh, what's that?
A bag of stolen clock radios

from the hotels
we stayed at?

- No.
- Tell him to look inside.

Bret says, "Just tell him
to look in it."

- Oh, wow.
- Whoa.

- Huh?
- It's a little big.

But get it wet and it
snugs up, it'll shrink...

shrink to fit.

Yeah, I can't even
get mine off.

You know, I've...
I've done a lot of thinking

that last 40 minutes when I was
walking along the side of the road

like a bum.
I kind of realized

I'm not a very
good manager.

Ah. So? I mean,
that's not true.

Thanks, Jemaine.

But it is.

There there.

There there there
there there there.

Friends again?
Back in the band?

If you'll have me.

We will.
We do.

What about you, Jemaine?
Will you have me?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yup.

- What's...
- Then you put your...

- Potato?
- You...

- One potato, two...
- No, just leave it.

Come on, we've got a gig.
We've got a gig to get to.

Let's go!

Did you miss me?

- Little bit.
- Little bit, eh?

Yeah.

- Jemaine?
- What?

- Miss me?
- Oh...

This isn't Central Park.

Yes it is.
It's a central park.

It's not
Central Park, though.

But it is
a central park.

But you said Central Park,
New York.

I said a central park
in Newark...

- New Jersey.
- You did?

- No, you didn't. You didn't.
- Yes, I said, "A central park

- in Newark."
- So you were tricking us.

No. Well, look. If I'd have said it was
a central park in Newark,

- you wouldn't have done the gig.
- Yes, we would have.

Well, what are you
worried about, then?

Hello, Shelly? Oh look, I can't
actually talk right now.

Why? Because I'm in
the middle of doing something.

Managing a band, actually,

a little band called
Flight of the Conchords.

Yeah yeah.

'Cause that's what
I do, all right?

Got it? Good.

Sorry, Shel, I didn't mean to...

oh, yes, sir. Yes.

Yes. Listen, um, the reason I haven't
been at work all week

is, uh... well, it's funny really.

I tripped over, and both of my leg...

uh, muscles have...
well, they contracted

and I didn't know what... no. No.

I don't manage a band.

It has nothing to do with a band.

Honestly, it's my legs.

I think I've broken a piece of them.

Yes.

No, there's nothing

going on in the background.

Okay.

Yes. I'll be in first thing.