Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 1, Episode 10 - New Fans - full transcript
Okay,
so cool ideas.
We've got
leather jacket.
- That's good for the image.
- Mm-hmm.
- Where's yours?
- It's on my chair.
All right, uh...
you could put a cigarette
behind your ear, or a pencil.
No.
What else do you got?
Um... you could have
a bit of hay coming out
of your mouth...
a little bit of hay.
- All the time?
- Yeah.
To look cool,
just sort of...
Hey, how's it going?
Hey, man.
All right, question mark
on that one.
So, good news anyway. We've got a winner
for the fan competition.
- Mel?
- Yeah, how'd you know that?
'Cause there was probably
only one entry.
- No, there was hundreds, actually.
- Really?
Yep.
They're all from Mel.
- And one from Jemaine.
- Right.
- But he was disqualified.
- Disqualified?
- Yep.
- Why was I disqualified?
Because you can't
be a fan of the band.
- Why?
- It's not a good look.
- But I'm a fan.
- Yeah, but people look at the fan list
and they say "Oh, hang on, that guy's
in the band, isn't he?
Well, he likes himself."
It's not a good look.
You don't see Bret on the fan list.
Yeah, well, that's 'cause
I'm not a fan of the band.
I'm more a fan
of popular bands
like the Bee Gees,
Pearl Jam.
All right. That's what we're
trying to do is become popular.
That's why I've got
this competition, you know?
- All right, what did Mel win?
- First prize...
the chance to cook
for you two tomorrow night.
That's a terrible prize.
I'm glad I didn't win that.
It's a good prize.
And you're excited about it.
I've already e-mailed her
pretending to be you
saying you're excited.
Were you pretending
to be me as well?
Yes, that's what I do.
It's... it's easier.
All right? Actually,
next time you see Mel,
you might want to apologize
for your last e-mail.
Okay. Why?
It's just, I think
she was quite insulted.
- All right?
- What did you say?
We'd better go, okay?
We've got a gig, guys.
Come on.
Hey, watch your step there.
Stick together.
It's really busy here tonight.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Mel.
Oh my God, I'm so
excited about dinner.
Whoo! Yes!
Hey, Bret, that e-mail...
Bonjour,
lay ho, salaam, nabadeey,
konnichiwa, and hola.
Welcome to
Tuesday World Music Jam.
My baby, come on,
let's hear it!
World Music Jam?
We don't play world music. Do we?
Yes. Where's
New Zealand from
if it's not from the world?
- Come on.
- But before Wu-Ta,
let's bring on
Lisa Valenzuela from Mexico.
Let's hear it for Lisa.
There's a lot
of hot women here.
Yeah.
Look at those two.
Whoa.
Whew.
I just want to...
I just want to...
# Just want to do
something special #
# For all the ladies #
# In the world #
# Oh, yes #
- # Just want to do something special #
- # Ah! #
# For all the ladies
in the world #
# Is that possible? #
# And the girl #
- # Don't forget that girl #
- # Caribbean #
- # Lady #
- # Parisian #
- # Lady #
- # Bolivian #
- # Lady #
- # Nubian #
- # Lady #
- # East Indochinian #
- # Lady #
- # Republic of Dominican #
- # Lady #
- # Amphibian #
- # Lady #
- # Presbyterian #
- # Lady #
- # Out of sight #
- # Amazing lady #
- # Late night #
- # Hard workin' lady #
- # Erudite #
- # Brainy lady #
- # Hermaphrodite #
# Lady-man lady #
# All you sexy hermaphrodite
lady-man ladies #
# Your sexy lady bits #
# And your sexy
man bits too #
# Even you must be
into you-ooh-ooh #
# All the ladies
in the world #
# I want to get
next to you #
# Show you
some gratitude #
- # By making love to you #
- # It's the least we can do #
# If every soldier
in the world #
# Put down his weapon
and picked up a woman #
# What a peaceful world
this world would be #
# Redheads not warheads #
# Blondes not bombs #
# We're talking about
brunettes not fighter jets #
# Oh-ho-ho,
it's got to be #
# Sweet 16s
not M-16s #
# When will
the governments realize #
# It's got to be
funky sexy ladies? #
# I have a vision
and all I can see #
# Is all of you
with all of me #
# In a world
of peace and harmony #
# Where every lady gets
a little piece of Bretty #
# I've been to Paris,
Wellington and Amsterdam #
# And a wham-bam, merci, danke,
thank you, ma'am #
# I don't care if you're ugly or
you're skanky or you're small #
# Just want to do a little
something special for you all #
# All the ladies #
# In the world #
# You deserve it #
# Girls. #
That's Inca Son.
Inca Son!
All right, there they are.
There they are.
Wow, okay, now let's see.
Something completely
different here.
They're from New Zealand.
We have...
The Flute of the Commodores.
Come on up, guys.
Come on up.
# A, B... #
- # A #
- # A #
# D, G, G, G #
- # G, G, G #
- # G... #
- # Who likes to rock the party? #
- # I like to rock the party #
- # Who likes to rock the party? #
- # I like to rock the party #
# Who likes to
rock the party? #
# Um-tss, um-tss #
# Who likes to
rock the party? #
# I like to rock
the party #
- # Who likes to rock the party? #
- # I like to rock... #
Okay! Flight of the Conchords.
Flight of the Conchords.
Thank you very much.
We're Flight of the Conchords.
It's been a delightful night.
Thank you very much.
Hey, guys.
Really good.
Different start to the song.
- What were you doing there?
- No, it's the same.
Oh, okay. So... # Ding ding ding
dong dong ding... #
- Well, we were tuning.
- Oh, okay.
That was good.
Okay, so here you are.
- I bought you guys a beer.
- I don't even drink beer.
- I don't drink it either.
- Just drink it, will you?
- It's good for the rock 'n' roll image.
- No, I prefer water.
- Hey, guys.
- Hang on, Mel.
Bret, I know you don't
like it, but we need it...
- It tastes disgusting.
- Just drink it. Good for the image.
I do things for my image...
make it more rock 'n' roll
with the goatee
and everything.
I don't like this goatee.
I hate it.
Makes you look like
a goat, doesn't it?
Yeah, exactly. But you've gotta make
sacrifices for success.
Okay? Go on,
just have a sip.
All right.
There we go.
You look cool!
- Can I have a go?
- Yeah.
That's it. Yeah.
See, Jemaine's got it.
Think about
something happy.
I need to go
to the toilet.
What if I go like...
what if I do
- some sort of thing like this?
- I like that.
That's over the top.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
Hey, Jemaine, those girls
are looking over at us.
Do you think they
might be looking at me?
They're looking
at all of us!
Tell you what, maybe if I pretend
to go to the toilet,
you guys see if
they're looking at me.
- Okay?
- Yep.
No, they're not
looking at me!
I might actually go to the toilet now
that I'm over here!
- Okay. Okay
- Okay, cool.
For the dinner that I won,
I was wondering
if you liked
arugula or romaine lettuce.
Hey. Hey, we were
at your show earlier.
- Hey.
- I really like that one you did
- about how you liked to rock the party.
- Oh, yes.
- I like to rock the party.
- Oh!
You must have been really
wasted when you wrote that.
- No.
- Do you mean on drugs?
Oh, yes, we were tripping
- when we wrote that one, that's right.
- Oh.
We were totally
whacked off.
- What?
- Whacked off?
Uh, that's just a drug term
we use back in New Zealand
when we're out of it. We say "Oh, man,
I was whacked off...
- Cool.
...last night."
Hello.
I'm Murray Hewitt.
I manage the guys.
Well, it was really
great to talk to you guys!
- Whoa.
- A fan of ours.
Hey, do you want
to join the fan list?
Here we are. Here's a card
with our website on.
And you can get online
and e-mail the guys
and they'll
reply to you.
- All right, see you guys later.
- Okay, see you.
- All right.
- You are a real rock 'n' roll band.
- Good night.
- Bye.
Well, how about that, eh?
A real rock 'n' roll band.
- That'll be the beer, you see?
- Yeah.
Yeah, my goatee probably
would've helped as well.
- I think it was more the beer.
- They weren't looking at your goatee.
Yes they were.
One of them was.
It's all part of the image.
This is working well.
Just need to
build on it now.
Dave, we need to borrow
some of your cool clothes.
You want to
borrow my clothes?
Yeah, I need
something that's cool
but also sexy.
Oh, I got just the thing.
I got a shirt that's got a mouse
having sex with another
mouse in a mousetrap.
I score chicks in this
shirt all the time.
Let me find it.
It must be
in here somewhere.
Here it is.
There you go.
Huh?
- Yeah...
- No no, I guarantee you,
I was just pumping away
in this thing the other night.
- Okay.
- Will that definitely work?
Oh, for sure.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Uh, I was hoping to dress
something like Prince.
Kind of erogenous, huh?
Yeah, but toned
down a bit, like,
Prince if he was just going to the zoo
or the supermarket.
- Casual Prince?
- Casual Prince.
Hang on a sec.
Shh!
Jesus!
Sorry guys.
My roommate's...
being kind of a jerk.
But look,
I got you this.
Is that
a woman's blouse?
- No.
- Looks like a blouse.
No no no. This is what you're
looking for, man.
That's totally Prince.
And if you accessorize
with these belts...
I brought two, depending
on what shoes you wear.
Okay, man, thanks.
Yeah, no problem.
And maybe hide that
on your way out 'cause...
if my roommate sees...
I mean, she is crazy.
She thinks she's my mom.
That is your mom.
Dude, you think
I live with my parents?
- Oh, is that your dad, though?
- No.
That's just some old,
crotchety Indian couple
that I sublet to.
The weird thing is
they look like me.
They've got
photos of themselves
with you as a kid.
I know.
It's creepy.
I think they make them
on the computer.
See? Now I just
reply as you, Bret.
"That sounds great."
And she'll just reply
in a couple of minutes.
And look at this.
That's... that's our bedroom.
Yep. That's a live
webcam from your bedroom.
- What?
- Fan base loves it.
Actually, Jemaine,
I've had a really good response
from something that happened with you
when you were alone with the webcam.
Do you know what
that would be?
I didn't know
we had a webcam.
Okay, well, whatever you're doing,
just be careful, all right?
- What are you implying?
- Well, if I had a webcam above my bed,
sometimes I might, you know,
forget it's turned on.
I didn't know
we had a webcam.
I think I might sleep
in the lounge from now on.
Oh, okay. Well, here we go.
There's the lounge.
All right?
Now item three...
the new fans.
We've tripled the fan base.
So we need two new
t-shirts made up.
Who wants to
take care of that?
You?
Okay, good.
I was hoping for that.
Murray, t-shirts.
All right,
that's everything.
Oh, and you've got dinner with
Mel tonight, so don't forget.
We can't go tonight.
What do you mean
you can't go, Jemaine?
We've got a double date with those
new fans... Summer and Rain.
You can't cancel it.
It's the competition.
She's cooking
your favorites.
Scrambled eggs
for you, Bret.
- And anything for you, Jemaine.
- Really?
- Hmm.
- Yes!
You can't just neglect
your old fans like that.
What happens when
the new fans fly the coop?
You'll end up like
ZZ Top.
- What are you talking about?
- You know, ZZ Top.
- Yeah?
- They sang the song about the... the...
the woman with the legs.
Anyway, they grew big beards,
their old fans
didn't like it.
The new fans didn't
like them without the beards,
and then they had a do-we-have-a-beard-
or-not situation.
- Is this relevant?
- Yes!
You have to go
to the dinner, Jemaine.
Mmm.
Mel, these scrambled eggs
are terrific.
Thank you, Bret.
Yeah, thanks for the food.
It's really nice.
Thank you.
Um, what was
your name again?
- It's Rain.
- Oh.
That's nice, like...
kind of like bad weather.
I remember your name
from the fan list.
I check it regularly.
Do you check it regularly?
- No.
- No.
Do you not have
a computer, or...
- No, I do have a computer.
- Oh, you can't read.
Isn't it great having
all the fans together?
- Yes.
- Isn't this...
isn't this good, and...
scrambled eggs.
Yeah.
Hey, by the way,
it was really great
to win the prize
to have dinner with just
the two of you tonight.
- Mmm.
- Con... congratulations.
Mmm. Well done.
So, who's the old dude
in the photo with you?
That's my husband Doug.
Oh, I thought
he was your dad.
He's a little bit
older than me.
- Yeah.
- He was my college professor.
I remember seeing him
on the first day of college.
He was so dapper
and so knowledgeable.
And I just had
to have him.
He resisted for a while
and there were some legal...
boundaries, you know,
keeping me from
being near him or...
his family, but...
in the end,
love overcame.
And I got what I wanted.
I always get what I want.
Hey, Mel, do you
have any beer?
- Oh, yeah, I'd like a beer.
- Yeah.
Mmm, that would be great.
- But you don't drink beer, Bret.
- I drink it all the time.
I could drink
a whole glass of beer.
I thought it always
made you go to the toilet.
No. Nope.
I'll have a big,
delicious beer.
Excuse me.
I'll get your beers.
Have a gallon...
have a gallon of it.
- Hey, guys, watch this.
- Oh, yeah.
- Great.
- Thanks, Mel.
- Thank you, Mel.
- Mm-hmm.
- There's your beer.
- Yum!
Yum!
That's good. Wow.
I just need to go to
the toilet. Excuse me.
Oh. Oh, hi, Doug.
Oh, hey, Bret.
Are you gonna
come up for dinner?
Uh, no. This is
Mel's special day.
Besides, I'm...
I'm happy down here.
- You sure you don't want to come up...
- Yeah yeah.
Yeah, I got
a lot of work to do.
- You know, so...
- Okay.
- See you, Doug.
- Uh, Bret,
don't mention
that you saw me here.
Okay.
Bret! Hey, Bret, can I have a quick
word with you?
Those girls, I don't
trust them, Bret.
They have no interest
in you as musicians.
- They just want to...
- Just want to what?
They want to do it
with you, Bret.
- Sex?
- Yes.
And I know your policy
on sexual relations with fans, Bret.
I've got to go
to the bathroom, Mel.
Bret, I know...
It's just that, Bret,
I just hope that you'll make sure
that they respect your boundaries.
- Thank you, Mel. Okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Are you okay?
Do you need any help with...
- Uh, can you please leave?
- Oh, you don't need any help?
- L... I'm going to the toilet, yeah.
- Everything's fine with you?
Okay, great.
Jemaine, Mel thinks they're
not interested in the band,
they're interested in sex.
- Sorry we have to run off, Mel.
- That was delicious!
Congratulations on the prize.
Okay, well,
I wish you'd stay.
I made a lot of dessert.
- I made tapioca pudding.
- Bye!
Angel food cake!
So, uh, you guys
want to get whacked off?
- What?
- Yeah.
Whacked off, you know,
do some drugs.
- Mmm.
- Oh.
Yeah, do you guys
want to do some acid?
Um, I have a cold.
- So I won't.
- Yeah.
I've also got the same cold.
It's airborne.
You could just have
a half if you want.
- Yeah...
- I'll just have a half as well.
- Oh, give Jemaine that big half.
- I couldn't have all that.
Uh, no.
I'm... I've just had
a big pasta salad.
I'm full.
Maybe just half
my half again.
- I'll just have a 16th.
- Okay.
A 16th for you.
A 16th for you.
Oh, thank you.
Is that it?
No, that's a dry piece of skin.
You dropped it.
There you go.
Go on.
Lick it!
- Ready, Bret?
- Yeah.
Oh, flub!
# I'm the pretty
prince of parties #
# You're a tasty
piece of pastry #
# You're so
lighty flighty flaky #
# I go where
the party takes me #
# I'm a funky
monkey junkie #
# You're a flunky
bunky dunky #
# You're a picture
of the devil's daughter #
# I'm a pitcher
of holy water #
# Oh, pretty prince
of parties #
- # Where's the party now? #
- # I don't know #
# Oh, pretty
prince of parties #
- # Where does water go? #
- # I let it flow #
# Oh, pretty
prince of parties #
- # Can I come to your party? #
- # No #
# Oh, pretty
prince of parties #
- # Where do you get your clothes? #
- # They're made of snow #
# Pretty party clothes
crocheted of snow #
# I'm the mickey
Maori minstrel #
# You're the high priestess
of tinsel #
# I'm the guru
god of ganja #
# Rama shalanka lanka
Ravi Shankar #
# La la la la la la
la la la la la la la #
# La la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la #
# La la la la la la
la la la la la la la. #
I'm just gonna
go to the toilet.
I'll see you later.
- Jemaine.
- Hmm?
I'm really
kind of nervous.
How come?
I'm going to suggest
that we have a threesome.
Oh.
I just have to go
and talk to Bret quickly.
- Bret.
- Get out.
- I'm having an acid reflux.
- Bret, you got to go home.
- Why?
- You got to go home.
Because I've been
offered a threesome.
- What about me?
- No, you're not included.
- Go home. Go home.
- Well, I can't just walk out of here.
Just... just make an excuse.
See you later, man.
See you at home.
This doesn't look like Prince.
Well, thanks very much
for a delightful evening,
but unfortunately I've gotta go
'cause I've got a doctor's appointment.
- At night?
- Yeah.
Bret, do you want
to have a threesome?
Oh. Just one second.
Bret, get out.
What are you doing here?
You got it wrong.
They want me in the threesome.
What? That's not a threesome,
that's a foursome.
I don't know.
I've never had a threesome.
I don't want you in my threesome, you
don't know anything about threesomes.
- You ever had a threesome?
- Nearly.
What you mean, nearly?
- I had a twosome.
- Wow. What was that like?
Great. I've done it
several times, man.
- Just one of you there, then one...
- Yeah.
Oh no, I've had a twosome!
- That's just the normal way.
- Yes.
Yeah, I've done that. I've had a one-way
and a two-way.
- This is my chance to have a three-way.
- No, it's my big chance.
- You've got to go, you took too long.
- What?
You snooze, you lose, man.
You're gonna have to go, make an excuse.
Say you got a driving lesson.
- Get out of here.
- I can't believe you.
Uh, I'm sorry
I have to go.
I have a late-night
driving lesson.
- Summer, where's Rain?
- Oh, Rain went home.
She didn't want to be here while we were
all having a threesome.
- You, me...
- And Jemaine.
Jemaine, can I have a word
with you in the bathroom?
Is it impolite not to do it
considering she's offered
and it's her place?
No.
Can't do it. No.
- I won't do it.
- What, you're not doing it?
- No way.
- If you're not doing it, I might do it.
- Are you gonna do it?
- Yeah, why not? I'm gonna go for it.
- Okay, let's do it.
- No, don't do it.
- What? Don't do it. I'm gonna do it.
- Okay, let's do it.
I'm not gonna do it if you do it.
Are you doing it?
- You're not doing it?
- No.
- Okay, I won't do it.
- Well, if you're not doing it,
then I think I'm...
yeah, I'm gonna do it.
Yeah, but if you do it and I'm not
there, you're back to a two-way.
Oh, yes, you're right.
I think we should just go in there
and say thank you and then go home.
No, we'll feel
obliged to do it.
Let's just climb out the window
and go home. Come on.
Oh, hi, Summer.
- Hey.
- Bret, what are you doing?
Um... yeah.
- Um...
- Oh, hey.
Again, just want to say thank you
for a delightful evening.
- Thanks for the acids.
- And the offer of the threesome.
- And, um...
- Really wonderful night.
- Okay, Bret.
- Yes.
- Jemaine.
- Yes.
Murray, present.
Now, what happened last night?
The new fans
gave us illegal drugs and
- wanted to have a threesome with us.
- Whoa, really?
- Mmm.
- That's pretty rock 'n' roll.
No, it was very awkward.
We don't want to have sex
with each other in the...
You can't e-mail the fans and tell them
we're have man-man-lady threesomes.
Yeah, it's not... you can't...
you just can't do that, Murray.
Well, look, just
to let you know, all right,
that sort of behavior
is actually the norm.
- It's standard practice.
- What, for the manager
to e-mail the fans and offer them
man-man-lady threesome?
You'll be offered drugs.
You'll have threesomes,
dinners, you know?
You'll end up going
into town in a taxi,
have a couple of drugs,
have dinner, have a threesome,
go home again.
Have a shower,
go out again,
more drugs,
more threesomes...
happens all the time.
- All right? I mean, I'd do it.
- Yeah, we did...
Okay, now look, you've
lost your fan list now.
The two new fans have
dropped out of the gang.
- We still got Mel.
- Nope, she's gone as well.
- She's off the list.
- Really?
- Yes.
- How many fans have we got now?
None. Empty club.
I've put a note here...
no one.
Oh no, here we go.
Perhaps here, Jemaine,
- would you like to join the list?
- Yes.
Yeah? Okay.
What about you, Bret?
Can you join the fan list?
No way.
No, I'm just not a fan
of the band at all.
Hey, Jemaine.
Hmm?
Last night,
did you... look?
We agreed never
to talk about this.
- Yeah, but did you look?
- I didn't look.
- Did you look?
- I had my eyes shut most of the time.
What do you mean
most of the time?
I opened them a little bit
so I could see what I was doing.
Good night, Bret.
Go to sleep.
What were you doing
with that chair?
Oh, yeah yeah.
I took a rest for a while.
You weren't
in the threesome?
No, I was resting.
Actually, me and her both
took a break for a while.
You were just
up there by yourself.
Hello?
Go to sleep. Stop chatting.
- All right, Murray.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Say good night for me.
Just wave at him.
- Say goodnight to Mel.
- All right.
Good night, Mel.
Good night.
so cool ideas.
We've got
leather jacket.
- That's good for the image.
- Mm-hmm.
- Where's yours?
- It's on my chair.
All right, uh...
you could put a cigarette
behind your ear, or a pencil.
No.
What else do you got?
Um... you could have
a bit of hay coming out
of your mouth...
a little bit of hay.
- All the time?
- Yeah.
To look cool,
just sort of...
Hey, how's it going?
Hey, man.
All right, question mark
on that one.
So, good news anyway. We've got a winner
for the fan competition.
- Mel?
- Yeah, how'd you know that?
'Cause there was probably
only one entry.
- No, there was hundreds, actually.
- Really?
Yep.
They're all from Mel.
- And one from Jemaine.
- Right.
- But he was disqualified.
- Disqualified?
- Yep.
- Why was I disqualified?
Because you can't
be a fan of the band.
- Why?
- It's not a good look.
- But I'm a fan.
- Yeah, but people look at the fan list
and they say "Oh, hang on, that guy's
in the band, isn't he?
Well, he likes himself."
It's not a good look.
You don't see Bret on the fan list.
Yeah, well, that's 'cause
I'm not a fan of the band.
I'm more a fan
of popular bands
like the Bee Gees,
Pearl Jam.
All right. That's what we're
trying to do is become popular.
That's why I've got
this competition, you know?
- All right, what did Mel win?
- First prize...
the chance to cook
for you two tomorrow night.
That's a terrible prize.
I'm glad I didn't win that.
It's a good prize.
And you're excited about it.
I've already e-mailed her
pretending to be you
saying you're excited.
Were you pretending
to be me as well?
Yes, that's what I do.
It's... it's easier.
All right? Actually,
next time you see Mel,
you might want to apologize
for your last e-mail.
Okay. Why?
It's just, I think
she was quite insulted.
- All right?
- What did you say?
We'd better go, okay?
We've got a gig, guys.
Come on.
Hey, watch your step there.
Stick together.
It's really busy here tonight.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Mel.
Oh my God, I'm so
excited about dinner.
Whoo! Yes!
Hey, Bret, that e-mail...
Bonjour,
lay ho, salaam, nabadeey,
konnichiwa, and hola.
Welcome to
Tuesday World Music Jam.
My baby, come on,
let's hear it!
World Music Jam?
We don't play world music. Do we?
Yes. Where's
New Zealand from
if it's not from the world?
- Come on.
- But before Wu-Ta,
let's bring on
Lisa Valenzuela from Mexico.
Let's hear it for Lisa.
There's a lot
of hot women here.
Yeah.
Look at those two.
Whoa.
Whew.
I just want to...
I just want to...
# Just want to do
something special #
# For all the ladies #
# In the world #
# Oh, yes #
- # Just want to do something special #
- # Ah! #
# For all the ladies
in the world #
# Is that possible? #
# And the girl #
- # Don't forget that girl #
- # Caribbean #
- # Lady #
- # Parisian #
- # Lady #
- # Bolivian #
- # Lady #
- # Nubian #
- # Lady #
- # East Indochinian #
- # Lady #
- # Republic of Dominican #
- # Lady #
- # Amphibian #
- # Lady #
- # Presbyterian #
- # Lady #
- # Out of sight #
- # Amazing lady #
- # Late night #
- # Hard workin' lady #
- # Erudite #
- # Brainy lady #
- # Hermaphrodite #
# Lady-man lady #
# All you sexy hermaphrodite
lady-man ladies #
# Your sexy lady bits #
# And your sexy
man bits too #
# Even you must be
into you-ooh-ooh #
# All the ladies
in the world #
# I want to get
next to you #
# Show you
some gratitude #
- # By making love to you #
- # It's the least we can do #
# If every soldier
in the world #
# Put down his weapon
and picked up a woman #
# What a peaceful world
this world would be #
# Redheads not warheads #
# Blondes not bombs #
# We're talking about
brunettes not fighter jets #
# Oh-ho-ho,
it's got to be #
# Sweet 16s
not M-16s #
# When will
the governments realize #
# It's got to be
funky sexy ladies? #
# I have a vision
and all I can see #
# Is all of you
with all of me #
# In a world
of peace and harmony #
# Where every lady gets
a little piece of Bretty #
# I've been to Paris,
Wellington and Amsterdam #
# And a wham-bam, merci, danke,
thank you, ma'am #
# I don't care if you're ugly or
you're skanky or you're small #
# Just want to do a little
something special for you all #
# All the ladies #
# In the world #
# You deserve it #
# Girls. #
That's Inca Son.
Inca Son!
All right, there they are.
There they are.
Wow, okay, now let's see.
Something completely
different here.
They're from New Zealand.
We have...
The Flute of the Commodores.
Come on up, guys.
Come on up.
# A, B... #
- # A #
- # A #
# D, G, G, G #
- # G, G, G #
- # G... #
- # Who likes to rock the party? #
- # I like to rock the party #
- # Who likes to rock the party? #
- # I like to rock the party #
# Who likes to
rock the party? #
# Um-tss, um-tss #
# Who likes to
rock the party? #
# I like to rock
the party #
- # Who likes to rock the party? #
- # I like to rock... #
Okay! Flight of the Conchords.
Flight of the Conchords.
Thank you very much.
We're Flight of the Conchords.
It's been a delightful night.
Thank you very much.
Hey, guys.
Really good.
Different start to the song.
- What were you doing there?
- No, it's the same.
Oh, okay. So... # Ding ding ding
dong dong ding... #
- Well, we were tuning.
- Oh, okay.
That was good.
Okay, so here you are.
- I bought you guys a beer.
- I don't even drink beer.
- I don't drink it either.
- Just drink it, will you?
- It's good for the rock 'n' roll image.
- No, I prefer water.
- Hey, guys.
- Hang on, Mel.
Bret, I know you don't
like it, but we need it...
- It tastes disgusting.
- Just drink it. Good for the image.
I do things for my image...
make it more rock 'n' roll
with the goatee
and everything.
I don't like this goatee.
I hate it.
Makes you look like
a goat, doesn't it?
Yeah, exactly. But you've gotta make
sacrifices for success.
Okay? Go on,
just have a sip.
All right.
There we go.
You look cool!
- Can I have a go?
- Yeah.
That's it. Yeah.
See, Jemaine's got it.
Think about
something happy.
I need to go
to the toilet.
What if I go like...
what if I do
- some sort of thing like this?
- I like that.
That's over the top.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
Hey, Jemaine, those girls
are looking over at us.
Do you think they
might be looking at me?
They're looking
at all of us!
Tell you what, maybe if I pretend
to go to the toilet,
you guys see if
they're looking at me.
- Okay?
- Yep.
No, they're not
looking at me!
I might actually go to the toilet now
that I'm over here!
- Okay. Okay
- Okay, cool.
For the dinner that I won,
I was wondering
if you liked
arugula or romaine lettuce.
Hey. Hey, we were
at your show earlier.
- Hey.
- I really like that one you did
- about how you liked to rock the party.
- Oh, yes.
- I like to rock the party.
- Oh!
You must have been really
wasted when you wrote that.
- No.
- Do you mean on drugs?
Oh, yes, we were tripping
- when we wrote that one, that's right.
- Oh.
We were totally
whacked off.
- What?
- Whacked off?
Uh, that's just a drug term
we use back in New Zealand
when we're out of it. We say "Oh, man,
I was whacked off...
- Cool.
...last night."
Hello.
I'm Murray Hewitt.
I manage the guys.
Well, it was really
great to talk to you guys!
- Whoa.
- A fan of ours.
Hey, do you want
to join the fan list?
Here we are. Here's a card
with our website on.
And you can get online
and e-mail the guys
and they'll
reply to you.
- All right, see you guys later.
- Okay, see you.
- All right.
- You are a real rock 'n' roll band.
- Good night.
- Bye.
Well, how about that, eh?
A real rock 'n' roll band.
- That'll be the beer, you see?
- Yeah.
Yeah, my goatee probably
would've helped as well.
- I think it was more the beer.
- They weren't looking at your goatee.
Yes they were.
One of them was.
It's all part of the image.
This is working well.
Just need to
build on it now.
Dave, we need to borrow
some of your cool clothes.
You want to
borrow my clothes?
Yeah, I need
something that's cool
but also sexy.
Oh, I got just the thing.
I got a shirt that's got a mouse
having sex with another
mouse in a mousetrap.
I score chicks in this
shirt all the time.
Let me find it.
It must be
in here somewhere.
Here it is.
There you go.
Huh?
- Yeah...
- No no, I guarantee you,
I was just pumping away
in this thing the other night.
- Okay.
- Will that definitely work?
Oh, for sure.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Uh, I was hoping to dress
something like Prince.
Kind of erogenous, huh?
Yeah, but toned
down a bit, like,
Prince if he was just going to the zoo
or the supermarket.
- Casual Prince?
- Casual Prince.
Hang on a sec.
Shh!
Jesus!
Sorry guys.
My roommate's...
being kind of a jerk.
But look,
I got you this.
Is that
a woman's blouse?
- No.
- Looks like a blouse.
No no no. This is what you're
looking for, man.
That's totally Prince.
And if you accessorize
with these belts...
I brought two, depending
on what shoes you wear.
Okay, man, thanks.
Yeah, no problem.
And maybe hide that
on your way out 'cause...
if my roommate sees...
I mean, she is crazy.
She thinks she's my mom.
That is your mom.
Dude, you think
I live with my parents?
- Oh, is that your dad, though?
- No.
That's just some old,
crotchety Indian couple
that I sublet to.
The weird thing is
they look like me.
They've got
photos of themselves
with you as a kid.
I know.
It's creepy.
I think they make them
on the computer.
See? Now I just
reply as you, Bret.
"That sounds great."
And she'll just reply
in a couple of minutes.
And look at this.
That's... that's our bedroom.
Yep. That's a live
webcam from your bedroom.
- What?
- Fan base loves it.
Actually, Jemaine,
I've had a really good response
from something that happened with you
when you were alone with the webcam.
Do you know what
that would be?
I didn't know
we had a webcam.
Okay, well, whatever you're doing,
just be careful, all right?
- What are you implying?
- Well, if I had a webcam above my bed,
sometimes I might, you know,
forget it's turned on.
I didn't know
we had a webcam.
I think I might sleep
in the lounge from now on.
Oh, okay. Well, here we go.
There's the lounge.
All right?
Now item three...
the new fans.
We've tripled the fan base.
So we need two new
t-shirts made up.
Who wants to
take care of that?
You?
Okay, good.
I was hoping for that.
Murray, t-shirts.
All right,
that's everything.
Oh, and you've got dinner with
Mel tonight, so don't forget.
We can't go tonight.
What do you mean
you can't go, Jemaine?
We've got a double date with those
new fans... Summer and Rain.
You can't cancel it.
It's the competition.
She's cooking
your favorites.
Scrambled eggs
for you, Bret.
- And anything for you, Jemaine.
- Really?
- Hmm.
- Yes!
You can't just neglect
your old fans like that.
What happens when
the new fans fly the coop?
You'll end up like
ZZ Top.
- What are you talking about?
- You know, ZZ Top.
- Yeah?
- They sang the song about the... the...
the woman with the legs.
Anyway, they grew big beards,
their old fans
didn't like it.
The new fans didn't
like them without the beards,
and then they had a do-we-have-a-beard-
or-not situation.
- Is this relevant?
- Yes!
You have to go
to the dinner, Jemaine.
Mmm.
Mel, these scrambled eggs
are terrific.
Thank you, Bret.
Yeah, thanks for the food.
It's really nice.
Thank you.
Um, what was
your name again?
- It's Rain.
- Oh.
That's nice, like...
kind of like bad weather.
I remember your name
from the fan list.
I check it regularly.
Do you check it regularly?
- No.
- No.
Do you not have
a computer, or...
- No, I do have a computer.
- Oh, you can't read.
Isn't it great having
all the fans together?
- Yes.
- Isn't this...
isn't this good, and...
scrambled eggs.
Yeah.
Hey, by the way,
it was really great
to win the prize
to have dinner with just
the two of you tonight.
- Mmm.
- Con... congratulations.
Mmm. Well done.
So, who's the old dude
in the photo with you?
That's my husband Doug.
Oh, I thought
he was your dad.
He's a little bit
older than me.
- Yeah.
- He was my college professor.
I remember seeing him
on the first day of college.
He was so dapper
and so knowledgeable.
And I just had
to have him.
He resisted for a while
and there were some legal...
boundaries, you know,
keeping me from
being near him or...
his family, but...
in the end,
love overcame.
And I got what I wanted.
I always get what I want.
Hey, Mel, do you
have any beer?
- Oh, yeah, I'd like a beer.
- Yeah.
Mmm, that would be great.
- But you don't drink beer, Bret.
- I drink it all the time.
I could drink
a whole glass of beer.
I thought it always
made you go to the toilet.
No. Nope.
I'll have a big,
delicious beer.
Excuse me.
I'll get your beers.
Have a gallon...
have a gallon of it.
- Hey, guys, watch this.
- Oh, yeah.
- Great.
- Thanks, Mel.
- Thank you, Mel.
- Mm-hmm.
- There's your beer.
- Yum!
Yum!
That's good. Wow.
I just need to go to
the toilet. Excuse me.
Oh. Oh, hi, Doug.
Oh, hey, Bret.
Are you gonna
come up for dinner?
Uh, no. This is
Mel's special day.
Besides, I'm...
I'm happy down here.
- You sure you don't want to come up...
- Yeah yeah.
Yeah, I got
a lot of work to do.
- You know, so...
- Okay.
- See you, Doug.
- Uh, Bret,
don't mention
that you saw me here.
Okay.
Bret! Hey, Bret, can I have a quick
word with you?
Those girls, I don't
trust them, Bret.
They have no interest
in you as musicians.
- They just want to...
- Just want to what?
They want to do it
with you, Bret.
- Sex?
- Yes.
And I know your policy
on sexual relations with fans, Bret.
I've got to go
to the bathroom, Mel.
Bret, I know...
It's just that, Bret,
I just hope that you'll make sure
that they respect your boundaries.
- Thank you, Mel. Okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Are you okay?
Do you need any help with...
- Uh, can you please leave?
- Oh, you don't need any help?
- L... I'm going to the toilet, yeah.
- Everything's fine with you?
Okay, great.
Jemaine, Mel thinks they're
not interested in the band,
they're interested in sex.
- Sorry we have to run off, Mel.
- That was delicious!
Congratulations on the prize.
Okay, well,
I wish you'd stay.
I made a lot of dessert.
- I made tapioca pudding.
- Bye!
Angel food cake!
So, uh, you guys
want to get whacked off?
- What?
- Yeah.
Whacked off, you know,
do some drugs.
- Mmm.
- Oh.
Yeah, do you guys
want to do some acid?
Um, I have a cold.
- So I won't.
- Yeah.
I've also got the same cold.
It's airborne.
You could just have
a half if you want.
- Yeah...
- I'll just have a half as well.
- Oh, give Jemaine that big half.
- I couldn't have all that.
Uh, no.
I'm... I've just had
a big pasta salad.
I'm full.
Maybe just half
my half again.
- I'll just have a 16th.
- Okay.
A 16th for you.
A 16th for you.
Oh, thank you.
Is that it?
No, that's a dry piece of skin.
You dropped it.
There you go.
Go on.
Lick it!
- Ready, Bret?
- Yeah.
Oh, flub!
# I'm the pretty
prince of parties #
# You're a tasty
piece of pastry #
# You're so
lighty flighty flaky #
# I go where
the party takes me #
# I'm a funky
monkey junkie #
# You're a flunky
bunky dunky #
# You're a picture
of the devil's daughter #
# I'm a pitcher
of holy water #
# Oh, pretty prince
of parties #
- # Where's the party now? #
- # I don't know #
# Oh, pretty
prince of parties #
- # Where does water go? #
- # I let it flow #
# Oh, pretty
prince of parties #
- # Can I come to your party? #
- # No #
# Oh, pretty
prince of parties #
- # Where do you get your clothes? #
- # They're made of snow #
# Pretty party clothes
crocheted of snow #
# I'm the mickey
Maori minstrel #
# You're the high priestess
of tinsel #
# I'm the guru
god of ganja #
# Rama shalanka lanka
Ravi Shankar #
# La la la la la la
la la la la la la la #
# La la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la #
# La la la la la la
la la la la la la la. #
I'm just gonna
go to the toilet.
I'll see you later.
- Jemaine.
- Hmm?
I'm really
kind of nervous.
How come?
I'm going to suggest
that we have a threesome.
Oh.
I just have to go
and talk to Bret quickly.
- Bret.
- Get out.
- I'm having an acid reflux.
- Bret, you got to go home.
- Why?
- You got to go home.
Because I've been
offered a threesome.
- What about me?
- No, you're not included.
- Go home. Go home.
- Well, I can't just walk out of here.
Just... just make an excuse.
See you later, man.
See you at home.
This doesn't look like Prince.
Well, thanks very much
for a delightful evening,
but unfortunately I've gotta go
'cause I've got a doctor's appointment.
- At night?
- Yeah.
Bret, do you want
to have a threesome?
Oh. Just one second.
Bret, get out.
What are you doing here?
You got it wrong.
They want me in the threesome.
What? That's not a threesome,
that's a foursome.
I don't know.
I've never had a threesome.
I don't want you in my threesome, you
don't know anything about threesomes.
- You ever had a threesome?
- Nearly.
What you mean, nearly?
- I had a twosome.
- Wow. What was that like?
Great. I've done it
several times, man.
- Just one of you there, then one...
- Yeah.
Oh no, I've had a twosome!
- That's just the normal way.
- Yes.
Yeah, I've done that. I've had a one-way
and a two-way.
- This is my chance to have a three-way.
- No, it's my big chance.
- You've got to go, you took too long.
- What?
You snooze, you lose, man.
You're gonna have to go, make an excuse.
Say you got a driving lesson.
- Get out of here.
- I can't believe you.
Uh, I'm sorry
I have to go.
I have a late-night
driving lesson.
- Summer, where's Rain?
- Oh, Rain went home.
She didn't want to be here while we were
all having a threesome.
- You, me...
- And Jemaine.
Jemaine, can I have a word
with you in the bathroom?
Is it impolite not to do it
considering she's offered
and it's her place?
No.
Can't do it. No.
- I won't do it.
- What, you're not doing it?
- No way.
- If you're not doing it, I might do it.
- Are you gonna do it?
- Yeah, why not? I'm gonna go for it.
- Okay, let's do it.
- No, don't do it.
- What? Don't do it. I'm gonna do it.
- Okay, let's do it.
I'm not gonna do it if you do it.
Are you doing it?
- You're not doing it?
- No.
- Okay, I won't do it.
- Well, if you're not doing it,
then I think I'm...
yeah, I'm gonna do it.
Yeah, but if you do it and I'm not
there, you're back to a two-way.
Oh, yes, you're right.
I think we should just go in there
and say thank you and then go home.
No, we'll feel
obliged to do it.
Let's just climb out the window
and go home. Come on.
Oh, hi, Summer.
- Hey.
- Bret, what are you doing?
Um... yeah.
- Um...
- Oh, hey.
Again, just want to say thank you
for a delightful evening.
- Thanks for the acids.
- And the offer of the threesome.
- And, um...
- Really wonderful night.
- Okay, Bret.
- Yes.
- Jemaine.
- Yes.
Murray, present.
Now, what happened last night?
The new fans
gave us illegal drugs and
- wanted to have a threesome with us.
- Whoa, really?
- Mmm.
- That's pretty rock 'n' roll.
No, it was very awkward.
We don't want to have sex
with each other in the...
You can't e-mail the fans and tell them
we're have man-man-lady threesomes.
Yeah, it's not... you can't...
you just can't do that, Murray.
Well, look, just
to let you know, all right,
that sort of behavior
is actually the norm.
- It's standard practice.
- What, for the manager
to e-mail the fans and offer them
man-man-lady threesome?
You'll be offered drugs.
You'll have threesomes,
dinners, you know?
You'll end up going
into town in a taxi,
have a couple of drugs,
have dinner, have a threesome,
go home again.
Have a shower,
go out again,
more drugs,
more threesomes...
happens all the time.
- All right? I mean, I'd do it.
- Yeah, we did...
Okay, now look, you've
lost your fan list now.
The two new fans have
dropped out of the gang.
- We still got Mel.
- Nope, she's gone as well.
- She's off the list.
- Really?
- Yes.
- How many fans have we got now?
None. Empty club.
I've put a note here...
no one.
Oh no, here we go.
Perhaps here, Jemaine,
- would you like to join the list?
- Yes.
Yeah? Okay.
What about you, Bret?
Can you join the fan list?
No way.
No, I'm just not a fan
of the band at all.
Hey, Jemaine.
Hmm?
Last night,
did you... look?
We agreed never
to talk about this.
- Yeah, but did you look?
- I didn't look.
- Did you look?
- I had my eyes shut most of the time.
What do you mean
most of the time?
I opened them a little bit
so I could see what I was doing.
Good night, Bret.
Go to sleep.
What were you doing
with that chair?
Oh, yeah yeah.
I took a rest for a while.
You weren't
in the threesome?
No, I was resting.
Actually, me and her both
took a break for a while.
You were just
up there by yourself.
Hello?
Go to sleep. Stop chatting.
- All right, Murray.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Say good night for me.
Just wave at him.
- Say goodnight to Mel.
- All right.
Good night, Mel.
Good night.