Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 1, Episode 8 - Girlfriends - full transcript

Come on, man,
I can't go in there by myself.

I don't like croissants.

What was all that
about just then?

- What?
- About you not liking croissants?

What are you
talking about?

- What are you talking about now?
- I don't like croissants.

I don't even know what
you're talking about.

I'm not going
in there, man.

You've gotta
come in there with me.

I can't go in there by myself and buy
a croissant, can I?

She'll think I'm weird.
You have to back me up.



You have to be what's
called "my wingman."

Oh, like in "Top Gun"?

Stop comparing everything
to "Top Gun."

It's not... this situation's
nothing like "Top Gun."

"Ooh, it's like
'Top Gun."'

Come on, it'll only
take five minutes.

We've been out here
talking about it for two hours now.

What do I have to do?

Just make me
seem popular.

If I say something,
you agree with me.

All right.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Um, I'd like
a croissant, please.

Yes, that's true,
he would.



Okay, a croissant, sure.

He's very popular.

Be more subtle
about it.

Mmm, that's true.

I suppose he didn't
have to say that.

Je voudrais
un croissant.

What?

# Je voudrais
un croissant #

# Je suis enchant? #

# O? est la biblioth?que? #

# Voil? mon passeport #

# Ehh... #

# Gerard Depardieu #

# Baguette #

# Baguette #

# Foo fa fa #

# Foo fa fa fa fa #

# Foo fa fa #

# Ay ya #

# Foo fa fa #

# Foo fa fa fa fa #

# Foo fa fa,
ay ya #

# Et maintenant le voyage
? le supermarch? #

# Pamplemousse #

# Ananas #

# Jus d'orange #

# Boeuf #

# Soup du jour #

# Camembert #

# Jacques Cousteau,
baguette #

- # Bonjour #
- # Bonjour #

- # Bonjour #
- # Bonjour, monsieur #

# Bonjour, mon petit
poire au dijon #

- # ?a va? #
- # ?a va, ?a va? #

- # ?a va #
- # Voil? la conversation dans le parc #

- # O? est le livre? #
- # A la biblioth?que #

- # Et la musique dance? #
- # A la discoth?que #

- # Et la discoth?que? #
- # Say you say b?b?? #

# Un deux #

# Un deux trois
quatre #

# Foo doo fa fa #

# Foo doo
fa fa fa fa #

# Foo doo fa fa #

# Ay ya #

# Foo doo fa fa #

# Foo da fa fa fa fa #

# Foo doo fa fa #

# Ay ya #

- # O? est la piscine? #
- # Pardon-moi? #

# O? est la piscine? #

- # Uh... #
- # Splish-splash #

- # Eh? Uh #
- # Uh? Eh? #

# Je ne comprend pas #

# Parlez-vous
le fran?ais? #

# Uh... #

# Parlez-vous
le fran?ais? #

# Ummm... #

- Non.
- Oh.

# Foo doo fa fa #

# Foo doo fa fa fa fa #

# Foo doo fa fa #

# Ay ya #

# Foo doo fa fa #

# Foo doo fa fa fa fa #

# Foo doo fa fa #

# Ay ya #

# Ba da bada bo! #

They're having
a nice conversation.

Yep.

Do you like having
nice conversations?

No. Nope.

There's been
a big mix-up, Bret.

A disastrous mix-up.

'Cause I was
talking to Lisa

and then that was
going very well

and then I dropped my wallet,
there was some confusion

and I think I ended up
talking to Felicia,

when I should
be talking to Lisa.

You are talking
to Lisa.

- Am I?
- Yeah.

Right, well that's
obviously what's happened.

We should swap.

Oh, look, Bret's feeling
Felicia's breast.

- Uh, I'm Felicia. That's...
- Yes.

...Lisa.
- Feeling Lisa's breast then, probably.

- Yeah.
- That must be nice for her.

Yeah.

Looks like she's responding
to that quite positively.

Bret, how you doing?

Good good.
Ah. Yeah.

It's good.
How you guys doing?

Pretty good.
Pretty good.

I'm actually feeling
a little bit tired though.

- I think maybe we should go.
- No.

Yeah, you know,
I'm feeling pretty tired too,

- so I'm gonna...
- Oh no, we're staying out.

- Yeah, but I have that thing...
- Yeah, we're staying out.

- Good idea, good idea, Felicia.
- We're staying out.

- Mm-hmm.
- That's Lisa, I'm Felicia.

All right, finally,
item two.

Any new business
from any of us?

Any... any news?
Jemaine, have you got any?

Well, we've got
girlfriends now.

Really?
Even both of you?

Yeah, we've met them
and everything.

I've told you
this before, guys.

Okay, I don't want to have to,
you know, backpedal

and repeat myself, but...

It's like I said
when you were with Coco:

"Bands shouldn't
have girlfriends."

Okay?

You'll lose
your female fan base.

What about Wham?
You never saw Wham with girlfriends.

That's how they kept
the women wanting them.

No girlfriends.

Okay.

- Okay?
- Okay.

So how far did you get
with your girlfriend?

Well, I don't want
to talk about that.

I've told you about how
far I've been with...

you know, Shelly,
last Christmas Eve.

Yeah, I don't want
to hear that again.

Yeah? Didn't you
like that story?

- So what'd you do?
- Well, I kissed her.

- Did you?
- And you felt her breast.

- Yeah.
- Hand on her breast.

Oh whoa, Bret,
be careful.

- What about you, Jemaine?
- Hmm?

Come on, you tell me
what you got up to.

Um, I saw Bret feeling
that lady's breast.

No, I mean
with your girlfriend.

Yeah, uh... good.

Yeah, good, was it?

It... pretty good.
It was...

Hmm, good.

You're not the only ones
with good news, actually.

My car broke down
in the ghetto.

That's not the good news,

but do you know
about the ghetto?

- Yes.
- No.

Yeah, well you know
the Elvis song, "In the Ghetto"?

- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, it's exactly like
he describes it.

It's... whoa.

Anyway, I met
A.J. Jones.

- Who's that?
- He's the brother of Quincy Jones.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- You know, the music producer.
- Yeah yeah yeah, wow.

And so now we... we've done
some business already.

Are you serious?

He said he could sell me a high-end
stereo system for $50.

- That's not band-related.
- You're in a band, you play music,

so does the stereo.
There's your relation,

all right?
And Quincy Jones,

he's the music producer,
isn't he?

What's some of the albums
that he's produced, Bret?

- Michael Jackson's "Off the Wall."
- Yeah, whoa.

I'll say he is.
He's crazy.

Off the planet.
Isn't he going to freeze himself?

Hey, Bret, Lisa here.

Listen, Felicia and I
had a really good time last night.

- Shut up, would you?
- Anyway,

we were wondering if you'd
like to come out tonight.

7:00-ish?
Hope you like Italian! Call me.

- Did you hear that, Bret?
- Yeah.

- Did you hear the message?
- I'm not going out tonight.

What?

What are you talking about?
It's girls and spaghetti.

We love girls
and spaghetti.

Yeah, I think
I'm gonna say we're busy.

No way, man.
You're my wingman, I need you.

We've got it all,
the girls love us.

We're like Wham.

I don't want to
go too fast, you know.

I don't want her to
think that I'm easy.

You want her to think
you're more difficult?

Do you think I dress
too provocatively?

No.

If I may be so bold,

I think you're showing
a little too much arm.

- Am I?
- Mmm.

Yeah, you look
a little cheap.

No, you don't look cheap, Bret.
You look fine.

- May I make a suggestion?
- No. Fix the sink.

Women don't objectify
men in that way, Bret.

Yeah, okay,
maybe I'll come tonight.

Yeah, and wear something
a little sluttier.

Give her something
to look at.

I guess I want to show her
a little bit of arm,

'cause I don't want her
to lose interest entirely.

Yeah, you don't want the bear
to go completely hungry,

you don't want it
to attack,

so give it
a little bait,

keep it interested.

Fix the sink, please.

The sink works.
It just comes out of a different place.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How's it going?
- What's up?

- Bit rough, isn't it?
- Eh.

So, well thanks for taking time out
of your busy schedule,

you know, to meet
with me, Mr. Jones.

Eh, call me
A.J., man.

Right. Oh, with regards
to your proposal,

I've spoken
to the guys, A.J.,

and they said they're keen.
We want the stereo, so...

Good, 80 bucks.

Okay.

I haven't got any with me now...
some shit went down.

Oh really? Okay, sorry to hear
about shit going down.

You need
any hot pants?

- Pardon?
- I got a shitload of hot pants.

You talk to anyone who's
looking for hot pants, send them my way.

All right,
I will. Okay.

Good. I've got to go,
I've got a meeting.

Oh, A. J? Um...

I was just wondering
if you'd do us a favor.

You know, I manage
a rock band.

What... what are
the chances of me playing

a demo of theirs
to your brother?

- My brother?
- Yeah.

Quincy, you know.

Oh, my older brother.

Yeah yeah, Quincy.
Uh, let me hear the track.

Just um...

- Listen to that.
- # Who likes to rock the party? #

# He likes to rock the party. #

Can I tell you
my honest opinion?

- Yep.
- I love it.

- You do?
- I'll tell you what:

I can help you
with a single,

because I'm also in the CD-single-
manufacturing business.

If you're interested,
I could talk to my people... Quincy...

- Oh.
...and the gang,

and we could
put something together.

Very interested.
We'd definitely go for that.

- All right. Good good.
- All right! Thanks a lot.

You're still getting
that sound system, right?

Oh yeah, of course.

I don't want you to think
we're pulling one over on you.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

- You warm?
- Mmm.

Hey, I think I might
head off now.

Oh yeah yeah,
that's a great idea.

Let's leave the two lovebirds.
Come on.

Oh.

- Bye.
- See you guys.

Felicia, you'll get
a cab, right?

Yeah, I guess.

A little muscley.

Well, this is
my place, so...

- Oh, okay.
- Thank you for walking me home,

and... it was
a lovely evening.

It was a great evening.
I had a really good time.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Can... can I come up
for some tea?

Oh, you don't want to come up,
it's a really small flat.

Bret, how long do you wait until you
let a girl come upstairs?

Three years.

Oh, you're serious.

What... what do you think
I am, dangerous?

Well, you can...
you can have a cup of tea

but then
you've got to go home.

It's getting kind of late.

L... um, I've got to go
jogging in the morning.

- Oh yeah.
- So...

It is late,
isn't it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Um...

Oh well, I mean I'm...

I'm not gonna be able to get a cab back
to Brooklyn this time of night, so...

Uh, I could give you
directions to the F train.

Oh the... that... that's
a really dangerous stop.

I mean, I... I've heard
there's maniacs down there.

- Maniacs?
- Yeah.

Mmm. Well,
maybe you should stay.

Yeah no, I think I should. And I...
I mean, I'll be fine on the couch

or I could stay
in your bed...

- with you.
- Yeah.

Probably best
just the couch.

Well, I'll sleep on the couch,
and you can sleep on my bed.

- How's that?
- You'll be comfortable out here?

Yeah yeah, that's...
that's good.

Okay, great.

I'll be in your bed.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Bret?
Bretty?

- What are you doing?
- I couldn't sleep.

Well, you're not gonna
sleep any better up there.

Could I just...
could I just sleep next to you?

I promise
I won't do anything.

- No.
- Come on, just give me a little sugar.

Definitely no sugar.

You've been kissing me
all night, Bret.

It's been
driving me crazy.

You have to give me just a little
somethin' somethin'.

It's... it's kind of
an unspoken rule.

# A kiss is not
a contract #

# But it's very nice #

# Mmm, very nice #

# Just because you've been
exploring my mouth #

# Doesn't mean you get
to take an expedition further south #

# No #

# A kiss is not
a contract #

# But it's very nice #

# It's very
very nice #

# Just because we've been
playing tonsil hockey #

# Doesn't mean you get
to score the goal #

# That's in my jockey #

# Just because I'm in
a two-man novelty band #

# Doesn't mean
it's all about poontang #

# I can't go round
loving everyone #

# I just wouldn't get
anything done #

# You can take me out
to dinner #

# That might be
quite nice #

# You could buy me a burrito
and some beans and rice #

# But that won't get you
into pants paradise #

# They call it a fly
because it takes you up to heaven #

# Oh whoa #

# A kiss is not
a contract #

# But it's very nice #

# It's very
very nice #

# I'm only one man #

# Baby #

# Pretty baby #

# We're only two men, ladies #

# Babies,
pretty babies. #

Something very disturbing happened
to me last night, Jemaine.

- What?
- Well, you know Lisa.

Well, it turns out
she's very aggressive.

Did she hit you?

- No, she wanted to go all the way.
- Mmm.

I thought you already
did go all the way.

No, now she wants
to have sex.

What gave you
that impression?

She jumped on top of me
and then touched me on the penis.

Oh I see.
You're lying.

No, she was all over me.

It's like that scene
from "Top Gun."

You know your favorite
scene in "Top Gun"?

- I don't know that movie.
- Yeah, it's your favorite scene.

I don't know
the movie.

Yeah, well, it was full-on.
I'm not ready for it.

How did you get her
to start it?

I don't know,
I was asleep.

Really? Hmm.

And then what
did you do?

Well, I just said,
"I'm not ready to have sex."

- And that worked?
- No, that didn't work at all,

'cause then she wanted
to have sex.

Oh.

It worked then, good.

I think Felicia's
pretty keen too.

She gave me this free
day-old croissant.

Conchord CDs.

Original music
from New Zealand.

Out of my area.

Hey, Mel,
you want one of these?

Thanks, George.

Hey, Dave, can I ask you a question
about women's sexuality?

Sure, you came to
the right place for that.

I'm going out with this American girl
who wants to, you know,

- go... you know, like, do the whole...
- Mm-hmm.

She wants to go the whole way.
That means sex, right?

Yeah and... I'm not
really ready for that.

Bret's not ready
for it.

- Yeah.
- Hot bod, gross face.

I get it. Just hit that shit
from behind.

No no no, I just always imagined that
when I did finally make the move,

it would be
more special, you know?

It would be flowers,
violins, I'd be in a nice suit.

Everything would
just be perfect.

I don't know how you guys
do things in Europe...

- New Zealand.
- Yeah, probably.

But in America, if you want to spend
some time with the ladies,

you got to show 'em some sausage.
Am I right, Jemaine?

What are you
talking about?

I'm talking about in the U.S.,
if you want something,

you've got to be prepared
to put out for it.

How do you think I eat
so well every lunchtime?

Hey, Mrs. Chang.
Thanks for the egg rolls, huh.

What?

Hey, Lisa, do you think
we can maybe just talk for a little bit?

Yeah.

Don't... don't... do you
care about me at all?

Yes.

I mean, don't you know
that if a girl gets aroused

and doesn't climax, that she can really
damage herself?

Bret, I might not
be able to have a baby.

- I didn't know that.
- It's kinda common knowledge.

- Well...
- I'm not...

I don't want
to make you feel bad,

but it's just everybody
kind of knows that.

I just think it might
be a bit too soon.

Well, guess what?

Tomorrow it's not gonna matter
if you're ready or not.

Mmm... why's that?

Because tomorrow, Bret,
I ship out to Iraq.

Iraq?

Yeah, I'm in
Delta Force, Bret.

You're in Delta Force?

What's that?

I gotta take one
for my country,

so the least I could do
is take one from you.

Felicia, hey.

- Oh hey, Jemaine.
- I just wanted to tell you

that I don't want
to have sex with you.

Good, I don't
want to either.

Oh.

Oh... ooh ooh!

Felicia, I just
wanted to check.

So who was it that
wanted to and who didn't want to?

Oh, it was both of us
that didn't want to.

Yeah, you don't want to,
I don't want to.

Yeah, don't want to.
You said you didn't want to...

Mmm, oh yuck, no way.
But we could.

Can we?

Oh, so you do want to?

No, I'm just... I'm not interested
at all, Jemaine.

- It's not gonna happen.
- Is it because I'm too dangerous?

'Cause you think
I'm just gonna ride out of this town

the same way I rode in,
and when I go,

I'll take
your heart with me?

No?

Slight concern about that,
though, maybe?

Mmm.

Thought it was
gonna be that one.

Look, Jemaine, I, um...

I only went out with you
in the first place

because Lisa kind of
like insisted that I be her wingman.

You're her wingman?

'Cause Bret was supposed
to be my wingman.

- Look.
- That's why you don't want to.

- No, it's not way.
- Might be one of the reasons.

Not any
of the reasons, but...

Iook. It's raining.
I've got to get going 'cause...

Okay, there was,
"don't want to," "don't want to."

- Do not want to.
- Okay.

- Me too, don't want to.
- "Don't want to" and "don't want to."

- Okay, let's not then.
- Okay.

I mean, that seems
to work out best for both of us.

- Okay, Jemaine, good night.
- Okay.

Good night.

- Okay, move.
- Yeah.

You can... you can move
a little more.

- Come on.
- Yeah.

Um, Lisa?

Could I
go home now?

You okay, Bret?

Could you please get out of here?
I'm having a shower.

Okay. I was in here first.
You come in here

with your clothes on,
crying.

It was over
in five minutes.

I mean,
she fell asleep.

Are you and Lisa
gonna get married now?

I wish, but I don't know.
She's got to go to war.

What?

Yeah, Iraq.

- Iraq?
- Yeah.

Lisa?

Yes, she's in Delta Force.
She's been deployed to Fallujah.

But she works in
the croissant shop.

Yeah well,
she's got two jobs.

She's a pastry chef
and a sniper.

Hmm.

Well, if it
makes you feel better,

me and Felicia are probably
gonna have to break up too.

She keeps
pressuring me into sex.

"Give me some more sex."
Oh, give me a rest...

for five minutes.

Cheer up, Bret.

Mmm, it's
the talking stove.

Things'll work out.

Yeah?

You love
the talking stove.

Oh, let's make
a cake.

Okay, so to sum up,

basically, CD sales
are going okay,

but a little slower
than I would have liked.

How many have you sold?

One.

But I would have liked to have gotten
a few more out than that.

How many have you
got left?

Two and a half thousand.

Can I have one?

You can have a whole box.
There you go.

- Really?
- Yes, take it home.

I can't store them here.
You... Jemaine, you take one.

- I don't want a whole box...
- Take a whole box home with you.

- What am I gonna do with it?
- I can't store them here.

So just take...
take it home.

In fact, if you can
take two boxes each...

Murray, how many of these...
Have you looked in all the boxes?

- Just the one.
- This one's got sawdust in it.

Oh my God.

Did you buy some
sawdust as well?

Open your box, Jemaine.

Look, Murray.
Sawdust.

We've been done.
I didn't tell you this,

but I did the business
underneath an overpass,

you know, and he was dodgy
from the beginning.

What, you had sex
with him?

No, he sold me
the sawdust boxes.

Did you want to buy
sawdust, though?

Bret, no!
I bought the CDs, didn't I?

It's a lot lighter.
Did you pick them up?

Of course
I picked them up.

I should find Quincy Jones and let him
know what his brother's up to.

He needs to know this.

Oh, I haven't got
his number.

You could email him.

I'd love to email him.

Come on, Bret,
you're moping.

Yeah, I just miss Lisa.
I think about her out there

in Operation Sand Freedom.

- Yeah, but you're walking really...
- It's gonna be dangerous.

You're walking
really slow.

I want to send her some croissants
in a care package.

That'd be nice, right?

- Don't... uh.
- What?

- Hey, Lisa.
- Hey, Bret.

- You didn't ship out to Iraq?
- No, actually,

didn't end up
going to Iraq.

Oh really?

Yeah... oh no.
I'm shipping out tomorrow.

- Oh you are?
- Yeah.

See, I told you.
She's a sniper.

I'm a sniper.

So then, maybe we should
go out tonight?

Tonight, no... I don't...
I can't tonight.

- What?
- Yeah, I'm sorry,

but... but you guys
should go.

You guys should go out.
It'd be fun.

But you said
you love me and?

- Oh.
- You had sex on me.

No... oh yeah,
that was just physical.

- Just physical.
- It was just... I mean, we were just...

we were just using
each other, weren't we?

- Just using each other.
- Oh, we were just using each other.

- Yeah.
- I see, yeah.

- Yeah.
- Oh, okay.

But, anyways,
it's... I gotta...

I mean, it's really busy in here
and I got to get back to work but...

I'd love to talk,
but you know.

But it was great...
seeing you guys again.

I know!
You see him?

"I love you."

Your real problem, Bret,
is the kind of girls you go for.

You're attracted
to bastards.

- Bastard girls.
- It's true.

They treat you badly
and you get into a cycle of that.

- Yeah.
- You've gotta break out of that.

- Hey, guys!
- Hey, Murray.

Where's
your girlfriends?

- They're not here.
- I knew you didn't have girlfriends.

Yes we...
well, Bret did.

- Yeah.
- He had one.

- This will cheer you up.
- Sort of, she didn't really...

- what?
- Jemaine, I've sold all your CDs,

- every last one of them.
- Really?

- Yep.
- People liked them?

I sold them
to Dave.

Apparently,
they're rewritable.

So he just deletes the music files
and then sells them as blank CDs.

Apparently, it's worth
more that way so...

- It's not ideal.
- It's not ideal,

but yeah, they're still
getting out there, aren't they?

Yeah, well,
they're blank though.

Yeah, but they'll
be out there,

and... you know.

- As blanks.
- Yeah.

- It's good.
- It's...

It's good, I know.

Just gotta find someone that'll buy
this sawdust now,

and I'll be complete.

- See you soon.
- See you, Murray.

- Good managing, Murray.
- Thanks, mate.

Yeah. See...

that girl
wasn't right for you.

Yeah, I guess she wasn't
really good enough for me.

I was thinking
she was too good for you.

She was actually
too good for me.

Yes, a bit too pretty
for you.

- Hmm.
- Too good-Iooking.

Hi. Are you Bret?

- Uh...
- I'm a friend of Lisa's.

I heard you like
to have a good time.

I'm Bret.