Fleabag (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

I mean we're all being very
grown up about this but...

Let me know if you feel any discomfort.

Oh no, it's lovely, thank you.

Your father informed me
of your family history.

Yeah, evil boobs everywhere.

Arm up, please.

Wa—he—hey... stop it!
I'm sorry, I'm just ticklish.

I examined your sister this morning.

Did you? Did she... is she alright?
Did she seem alright?

Yes. Why?

Just can't get hold of her.



She seemed very busy.

Mmm, sure.

Dad books us boob
appointments once a year

to make sure our tits don't
turn on us like mum's did.

It's a bit of a hassle but at the
end of the day it's nice to be touched.

Bet you look forward to seeing Claire.

A lot more to touch, if you know what I mean.
— SHE LAUGHS

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I'm sorry, it's just that
there are worse jobs.

Look...

I check for cancerous
lumps in mammary glands.

Now, any pleasure I derive from that

is entirely dependent upon whether
or not I am about to save your life.

Of course, Doctor.



You can put your clothes back on.

Hey... hey... she's here.

I've been waiting out here
for nearly ten minutes.

Well, you left me
on the fucking silent hill.

Yes, well, I had to.

Did you get back OK?
God this is so stressful.

Mum's memorial lunch.

I should have worn my other coat.

Visiting Dad is hell for Claire.
| see it more as a sport.

It's so inappropriate
that she should be here.

Have you spoken to Martin?

No, it's fine, everything's fine.
Everything's totally fine.

Sounds like it's fine.

Can you please just gimme some space!
You're standing so close to me!

CLAIRE SIGHS

Ready?
— No.

DOORBELL RINGS

THEY BOTH SIGH

Don't tell Dad about Finland
and don't provoke her.

Let's just get out of this alive, OK?

Girls...

Gotta hand it to her.

Hi.

Oh, you shouldn't have!

Oh, they're actually for Dad.

Oh, are they Freesias?

Yeah, they were sort
of a favourite of our...

GODMOTHER:
Oh gosh, how special.

How lovely.
Aren't they stunning?

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, let's just leave them... there.

Lovely. Come in.

Who's Dad sawing in half?

Oh, just the tree.

Sorry?

The tree in the back garden.

Why are you taking the tree down?

Oh, Felicity tried to use it to get out.
She's very expensive.

CAT MEOWS

This is nice.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, this is beautiful!

I hope you don't mind my being here
but my Pilates fell through so...

Oh, of course.
— Gosh, no, it's lovely.

It's a sad day. Sad, sad day.
I'll get the champagne.

This is my favourite bit.

Wonder who's going to...

That's a lovely cushion.

Thanks, it's an original.

Gosh.

I love your hat.

It's a hair scarf.

Looks like a hat.

Well, it's a hair scarf.
— SHE LAUGHS

OK.

ls Martin coming?

Oh, no, he's away.

I'm very excited to meet
your new chap.

Is he...

Oh no, he's a different one.

Ooh. You do turn over fast.

Dad'll come in with some
weird canapes in a second.

Girls!

Hello.
— How are you?

CLAIRE: Hi.
— Hello, yeah...

yeah, I'm really sorry about all that noise,
it... you got a drink?

Oh.

Oh sorry. I forgot your glass.

Well, you're both looking
very healthy, very...

good and healthy and...

did you talk to
Dr Samuels about your...?

Yep.
— Yes.

And they're happy,
they're getting along alright?

Yeah.
— Yeah, yeah. Great.

Good. Excellent.

You are my...

daughters...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Yep.
— Yes. Yeah, we are.

Sit down.

I think I should say a few
words about your mother.

Ignore me. Ignore me.
Ignore me.

This day is not an easy one...

CORK POPS

SHE LAUGHS
— Sorry. Cheers.

To Mum.

To Mum.

To Margaret.

Dearest Margaret.

Just the most generous woman.

Yeah, well, she certainly was.
— Yeah, she was great.

DAD LAUGHS

It was the voices
she used for the pigeons.

She always made them so, so rude

you know, but very, very funny.

She used to take the girls round
the park and point at the...

Oh, the squirrel voices were the best.

(DEEP VOICE)
Run!

Run, fucking run!
— Flun, run, run, run, run...

Run, run, run, run, run...

Yes, yes, my ex did a similar thing,
voices and fun.

Really, really funny man.

Really funny.

Can I help you with the food?

Yes, yes, I should, yes.

And take that off.

Alright.

So are you going to Finland?

You're gonna have to
talk to me eventually.

Plaits...

either she's got her period
or some serious shit's gone down.

She always does something slightly
different around her period.

She gets really bad PMT.

Mum used to call it her monthly
confidence crisis but it's PMT.

The only way she can get through it is
to reinvent herself in some small way.

What?

I'm doing a wee on this cushion.

What!

Sort of wish you were.

What are you doing?

Just put it back
where you got it from, OK?

No!

Just do it.
I don't want it in my house.

I'm doing you a massive favour.
She could really go to town on you for this.

Come on, what's she gonna do, draw me?

Go!

No.

OK, OK, OK... Jesus.

CLAIRE:
Why are we sneaking?

We're not allowed upstairs.

Of course we are.

God, I keep forgetting that
she's actually talented.

I know, it's infuriating.

Go on then.

Where's her head?

Well, she's got your boobs,
she doesn't need one.

OK...

OK. Hey...

is everything OK with Martin?

You've invited someone today?

Yeah. Yeah, he's horrifically hot.
You're gonna puke when you see him.

Are you on your period?

Why would you ask that?

The plaits.

No reason.
— Say it.

The plaits.

Hey... do you think she's
ever painted Dad naked?

I think you should take your nose
out of other people's marriages.

Ooh, sneaking a preview, are we?

Sorry, I spilt my champagne and...
I got distracted on my way to the bathroom.

Me too.

It's really beautiful work.

Thank you.
Let me show you to the loo.

Oh, that's alright,
grew up in this house.

It's all change now though.

Your father's in the kitchen.

Oh great. I'll go and torment him.

THEY LAUGH

He hates being alone in
a room with me. Watch this.

Hi, Dad!

Oh! Um...

Um, I just need some...

What do you need?

need some salt.

There it is.

Oh, here it is, yeah.

So... how are you darling, you alright?

Have you got enough clothes?

Oh, could never have enough clothes.

Right. And how's the café?

Erm. Well, the lease is up
in a couple of days and...

I don't think I can really afford to...

I think I'm just gonna
have to accept that it's...

I'm sorry about that, darling,
but of course we're just a little bit tight

in the purse strings too.

Oh no, no, I wasn't asking you for any...

We've just been keeping it quiet,
we haven't been able to...

buy anything or do anything and...

Oh... what's that?

Oh that, that's just a tiny little
house we're buying in... France.

Lovely.

Yeah. I... I just wanted to talk to you

about this exhibition.

What exhibition?

DAD SHOUTS

DAD: Oh no!
— Jesus, Dad, OK!

Pick it up! Pick it up! Help me, please...
— Jesus, Dad, OK.

She mustn't see it. She mustn't find out!
— OK!

Mmm, five second rule.

No, l have never bought into
that rule, that's disgusting!

THEY LAUGH

What are you doing?

Oh, just a little family tradition.

Oh... what odd fun.
What are the rules?

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh... thank God,
that'll be your man.

I mean I didn't wanna show off but...

Gosh... you really are...

So how did you two meet?

Fucked me up the arse.

| used to manage a bar and...
| just found her crying in the toilet one night.

How about you two,
how did you two meet?

Through our mother, actually.

How is work, Claire?

Oh... fine, nothing new.

She used to be our Godmother.

Still am. But then their parents split up.

Mum died.

And we just became even closer friends.

Do you know... and I can say
this because I'm an artist

but you really are very good looking.

Thank you.

Very.

Thank you.

Very.

Thank you.

I mean almost...

too good looking.
— SHE LAUGHS

Well, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna
go and do that old human thing.

How's the exhibition going?

Ah yes, yes... I wanted to
talk to you about that.

Talking about me?

All good things, all good things, I swear.

Oh and again.

THEY ALL LAUGH

Have you found a venue?

What exhibition?

Thank you so much for asking.

We have actually found a...

There are some elements of the work that I,
you know, I wanted to talk to you about.

It's a sexhibition.

But don't panic, it's nothing scary.

It's simply a journey through
my physical and sexual life

climaxing in a few pieces inspired
by and moulded on your father.

And there are photos.

I've taken a photo of my naked body
every year for the past 30 years.

VVhy?

Well, I think it's important for women
of all ages to see how my body has changed

over the years.

I think we have to have a healthy
perspective on my body, don't they?

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, I don't need to tell you

but your father is
a deeply sexual man.

No, you don't.

Just did.

Knew it.

I'm just very lucky.
I will be touched until the day I die

and so will you, Claire.

I mean, it's really all that humans want,
is to be loved and to be touched.

CAT MEOWS

CAT MEOWS

Tell Dad about your promotion, Claire.

There's nothing to tell.

What promotion?

Finland.

Oh, odd place.
— Any news?

No.
— She got it.

GODMOTHER GASPS
— Oh!

Fuck's sake.

Congratulations, Claire.

Thank you.
— Clever girl.

Can we not.

This is so exciting.

She's turning it down.

Why?
— GODMOTHER: Why?

Why... why not, why Claire?
— GODMOTHER: Claire, are you pregnant?

Why aren't you getting on a plane
to your cold rich future?

Oh, Claire!
— This is everything you'd ever hoped for.

You can't just fuck off on aeroplanes

and leave your weird stepson and
broken sister to fend for themselves, OK?

FLEABAG CLEARS HER THROAT

Excuse me.

BOO: She's your sister,
it's your job to annoy her.

No, no, I'm just so annoyed with myself.

I wish I could just meet myself and just...
have a go at myself!

Do your worst.

Come on, Bitch!

You don't take yourself seriously.

Oh pussy.

You need to reach out to your family.

You need to stop provoking your sister.
Just grow up!

You do not take yourself
seriously as a businesswoman.

You need to pay your fucking bills!
You need to be nicer to Hilary.

You need to get a new hat!

Is that better?

Yeah, it's better.

CLAWING AT DOOR

OK. Off you go.

The artwork in this house is stunning.

Who is it?

If I tell you will you promise
to come to my sexhibition?

It's not your work?

Will you come?

It would be an honour.

How's your little restaurant?

It's a café.

Oh, don't do it a disservice.

I'm not. It's a café.

Oh, sorry.

It's fine. It's fine.

Your father tells me you're struggling.

Well... I think we all are.

Oh, well, yes. But I mean,
now there's only one of you...

God, I can't imagine
what you've been through.

Sorry, have I missed something?

Well... her dear little friend died

and left her to run the café on her own.

Jesus.

Oh God, that is truly awful.
How did she die?

Oh, she killed herself.

It was an accident.

Well... maybe it's time to let the
little restaurant go, give it up.

Sell it, have a little holiday.

FLEABAG:
We did this.

BOO:
Mm—hmm.

And whatever happens,
we never let it go, OK?

Excuse me.

Have you seen Felicity?

Oh no, sorry.

Gosh, all sorts of things go
missing in this house, don't they?

Big house.

Yes, lovely house.

Oh, the sculpture turned up.

Did it?
— Yes. Must have just toppled off the side.

Well... if you rid a woman
of her head and limbs

you can't expect her to do
anything other than...

roll around.

THEY LAUGH

What?

Oh, your father and I often say

when you've had a few drinks
you're so like your mother.

GODMOTHER:
Oh, whoops... look at these.

So the party's moved to the hallway,
always a good sign.

Does anyone mind if I leave,
I've got a dicky tummy?

So swift.

Thanks.

I'm not going to kiss you
because I'm probably very ill.

Goodbye then, my... my daughters.

Goodbye.

What a lovely occasion.

Yeah, see you at the sexhibition.

No, there's absolutely no need...
— Yes, lovely.

No, no, we'll definitely be there.
I will definitely be there.

Hold up... Yeah,
trying to keep me overnight?

SHE LAUGHS
— Very good looking.

I might never see you again.
You're very good looking.

Yes, yes, very good looking.

SHE SIGHS

Thanks, I owe you.

No, I owe you.

It's been really nice to spend
the day with a normal family.

I actually feel quite emotional.

Will you stay with me tonight?

Sure.

I'm gonna go warm up the bike.

Lovely to meet you, Claire.

You too.

Urn, what's his...

Fucked me up the arse.

Oh that's...

BIRDS CHIRP

I'm sorry if I was a...

Listen to me...

I'm going to leave Martin.

I'm going to give you
the money for the café

and I'm gonna go to fucking Finland.

OK.

Oh and...

That is the coolest thing
you've ever done.

I know.

Thanks, Claire.

Shall we...?

We can try.

I'll see you at the sexhibition?
— Yeah.

ENGINE REVS