Fleabag (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript
Fleabag and her sister visit a female-only silent retreat, courtesy of their father. Their enforced silence is interrupted by an unusual neighbouring weekend workshop
CLAIRE SIGHS
You cannot know this.
No one can hold a map in their head.
I can. It's three turnings away.
You're so gonna get this wrong.
Stop it!
— What?
I can feel you judging my driving.
I'm not judging your driving.
Let go of the handle then.
Oh, we were supposed
to go down that turning.
What?
— Yeah.
You said three turnings.
— Yeah, well, I missed one.
Just use your phone,
you have a sat—nav on your phone.
Oh my God, there...
Mindful — oh God — Farm.
There it is.
We're going the right way.
l was right.
(WHISPERS):
I was right.
CLAIRE SIGHS
Do you know what the lesbian app
for Grindr is called?
Twat-nav.
Don't make this fun.
CLAIRE SOBS
It's OK. I'm fucking OK. I'm excellent.
I know I seem mental but I'm fine.
OK.
| just...
| just sometimes need...
need you not to...
— To take the piss.
Don't finish my sentences!
Take the piss...
— Out of you and your...
You don't always know
what I'm going to say, OK?
Sorry.
Out of...
Out of her when she's driving.
me while I'm driving.
Sorry.
Is it at... at home
or... work, or Martin, or...?
I'm fine. It's fine.
Martin's being lovely.
Really?
It's fine.
I'm OK.
Fucking psycho!
FLEABAG: Wow!
Dad really splashed out this time.
He must be about to do something awful.
No, it's just Mother's Day.
Oh.
Happy Mother's Day.
We're not supposed to
bond on this are we?
'Cause I really don't think
that's going to end well.
We're not supposed to talk at all.
It's a silent retreat — God help us.
How's everything at the café, are you...?
You really don't have to.
— Pfft, thank you.
Hi. — CLAIRE: Good morning.
— FLEABAG: Hello, hello.
FLEABAG LAUGHS
DOORBELL RINGS
CLAIRE SIGHS
DOORBELL RINGS
Come on.
They're probably gonna
think we're a couple.
The fact that your mind even
goes there is beyond disturbing.
Hey! We'd make
a really cute couple.
CLAIRE SIGHS
MAN:
Sluts!
Yes?
We're gonna die here.
We're gonna be raped and die.
Every cloud...
Oh, just open the fucking door.
It's been fucking forev...
— DOOR OPENS
MONK:
Welcome.
Thank you so much.
— Yeah.
FLEABAG: It's really wonderful.
— Really beautiful grounds.
FLEABAG:
Extraordinary energy, yeah.
| see you've been gifted this retreat.
How lucky you both are.
I hope after this weekend
you will feel... rested, inspired...
Do you have Wi—Fi?
— No.
Would you like
two single beds or a double?
A double, please.
— Two singles.
Actually, do you have
a separate room?
I'm afraid not. Everyone has to share here,
it's part of the communal...
Singles then. Do you get
newspapers in the morning?
No, we try to keep the outside world
on the outside during your stay here.
You'll appreciate it in the end,
I promise.
So, here is your key.
Thank you.
Hope you have a restful weekend.
You too.
Wow, no papers.
You don't read the news.
Yes, I do.
What happened yesterday?
Sting wore white jeans,
and a puppy got stuck in a fan.
Big day.
What's that for?
— My neck and chest.
What's that for?
— My legs and knees.
What's that for?
— Ends of my hair.
What's that?
— For my under—eyes.
What's that?
— That is for my face and body.
What would you do
if someone stole all of those?
I'd kill myself.
Why are there no plug sockets in here?
Don't touch my stuff.
What are these for?
— Nothing.
Mm—hmm...
What?
Well, it's just...
Why would you bring such tiny batteries?
I'm just prepared.
Just I've only ever...
seen them used for remote controls...
— Yes, well...
or alarm clocks.
— Yes, alright.
And vibrators.
— Yes! Alright!
You didn't have to ask for a separate room.
What?
If you wanna have a wank,
I can give you some space.
Oh my God!
No, it's just if you wanna take ten minutes
I'll just go into the bathroom
and moisturise my wrists for a bit.
You are so immature.
Oh, give it a minute.
Oh, God!
Seriously?
What is wrong with your insides?
Why did you bring the tiny batteries?
A—ha!
You're a genius!
Always know where the reserves are.
RETREAT LEADER:
Let go of your past.
Bit on the nose.
Now is the time to let it go
open up your senses
close your mouth and live now.
Welcome to the female—only
Breath of Silence Retreat.
'Women don't speak'.
Erm... Sorry, I think I'm meant to be at...
MAN OUTSIDE: Fucking sluts!
— that one.
Shame.
Yes, the first major consideration
is why are you here?
Can anyone here answer that question?
I want to shut the noise out
and reconnect to my inner thoughts
on the road to feeling
more at one with myself.
Excellent attitude.
Well, you're in the right place.
This weekend is about being mindful.
It's about leaving
your voice in your head
and trapping your thoughts
in your skull.
Think of it as a...
thought prison in your mind.
Firstly, we're going
to teach you how to breathe.
Then we will have a short meditation.
Then we will find our sanctuary
in the partaking of menial tasks
all in perfect silence.
Principle rules are no talking.
If you need to communicate
with any of our other superiors
you can write on that board.
Under no other circumstances
must you communicate
even with each other.
Oh, what if there's an emergency?
— Thank you all for coming here today.
No matter what happens,
a word must not be heard.
WASP BUZZES
WOMAN:
Ssh!
MAN:
Slut!
Fucking bitch! Fucking piece of shit.
MEN SHOUT
Back here, back here, back here,
back to me, back to me.
Alright, now wherever it's come from
your upbringing,
your experiences with women
now is the time to turn that around
to reprogramme your mind,
your body and your mouth
to be the better man.
Alright?
So, this is Patricia.
Yeah? She's a friend.
Now Patricia, has just earned
a promotion at work
beating over six other candidates.
She's the youngest person
to ever achieve this role.
What should we not say
when we meet her?
Clever little munchkin?
— Excellent.
Who'd you blow to get that job?
— OK.
Slut! You fucking stupid slut!
— OK.
OK.
What should we say to her?
Hmm?
Well done, Patricia.
Very good. Well done, Patricia.
Please leave.
Perv.
Slut.
Wow!
ALL:
Well done, Patricia.
Slut!
Guys, it's OK. Keith, can you just...
Oh my God.
Excuse me, miss, you can't be here.
OK.
You really can't be here.
It's for your own good... please.
And now hands up.
Mirror your palms.
Look each other in the eye and...
touch.
Literally her worst nightmare.
Ergh.
Are you alright?
Talk to me.
It's nothing.
God... I can't feel my feet.
Do you remember
we used to go top—to—toe?
Ah, kids are so weird.
We used to do that all the time.
Yeah, when we were ten and cute,
now we're 30 and angry.
God, I'm not suggesting that we...
Just don't, OK?
VIBRATING SOUND
Stop stealing my things.
I'm just checking it's working.
Oh, it's working, it's definitely working.
KNOCKS AT DOOR
DOOR OPENS
— WOMAN: Ssh!
VIBRATING SOUND
- DOOR CLOSES
THEY LAUGH
Have fun.
It's actually a really thoughtful
present. Thank you.
And Martin, getting me that sculpture...
He must have bent over backwards
to get something like that.
| feel very lucky.
l have to tell you something.
What?
I stole that sculpture
from a certain somebody's studio
and then I tried to sell it through Martin
but Martin took it and gave it to you.
Just don't put it pride of place
when Dad...
Well, when they come over.
OK? Because...
Right.
Claire...
Claire?
CLAIRE:
Ssh. Go to sleep.
Shit.
CLANGING GONG
The sooner we get up...
— Argh!
(WHISPERS): The sooner we get on with it,
the sooner we are out of here.
(WHISPERS):
That's a really nice outfit.
Thanks.
Delve into your past.
Think of something
you can't let go of...
a moment of noise.
A moment of tension.
Not for now.
Now... a moment
when you were peaceful.
FLEABAG: If you could change anything
in the whole world, what would it be?
My thighs.
FLEABAG:
The whole world?
Oh, don't tell anyone I said that.
You?
I've always been insecure
about my face...
you know that.
I know. You shouldn't.
Nah, thank you but... hmm.
No, seriously, there's
nothing wrong with your nose.
I mean, there's nothing wrong...
Say that again.
— I mean there's nothing...
What?
— I don't know...
Argh!
— Oh my God!
| always say the wrong thing!
SHE LAUGHS
FLEABAG GASPS
(WHISPERS):
Hot.
(WHISPERING THROUGHOUT):
What is this?
I don't even do this in my own home.
Oh, it's very simple.
We've paid them to let us
clean their house in silence.
SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY
SHE SOBS
Jesus!
RETREAT LEADER: I don't want to come
down on you like a school teacher
but I'm afraid your flagrant lack of respect
for the one rule that we have here
is now affecting the
other students... Er, clients.
Inmates?
— Cleaners?
Participants!
Do you have a problem
with the programme?
| suggest you try sitting here
in silence for the next hour.
It will benefit you.
I swear by my soul it will.
I went through your bag.
What?
I couldn't find anything so you're just gonna
have to tell me what's going on with you.
CLAIRE SIGHS
Talk... or I will scream.
I got the Finland promotion.
What Finland promotion?
How can you ask that? I've told you...
— Oh my God, I'm totally... I know, I know!
The Finland promotion, that's amazing.
— Thank you.
Would that mean
you're a millionaire now?
Handy.
Don't be ridiculous.
Yes, it would.
Well, money makes you cry?
I'm turning it down.
What? Why?
Martin.
Martin says it would be unfair on Jake.
Jake's her stepson, he's really weird -
probably clinically,
but no one really talks about that.
He freaks out if she's gone
for longer than a day.
And he's got this thing about
trying to get in the bath with her.
No, no... No, Jake... No!
He's fifteen.
He's not your son.
— That's not the point.
Go!
— I knew you'd say that.
This is what you've always wanted.
I know.
No more power—suits,
fuck load of snow...
I know.
Perfect place for your cold, cold heart.
I know! I can't, I have responsibilities.
Oh, come on...
Don't let other people get in the way
of what you really want.
Finland is what you really want.
My husband isn't other people, OK?
My husband is my life.
Your husband tried to kiss me
on your birthday.
Did he?
SHE SIGHS
Did he?
DOOR CLOSES
SHE SIGHS
MAN:
Sluts!
APPLAUSE
MAN:
Sluts!
MAN:
Sluts!
MAN:
Sluts!
MAN:
Slut!
APPLAUSE
Slut!
LEADER:
Lovely, lovely.
LEADER:
OK.
LEADER: Up on your feet.
We're gonna say 'sorry Patricia'.
ALL:
Sorry Patricia.
LEADER: Lovely, give yourselves
a round of applause.
Alright guys, well done. We're gonna
head back to that house...
better men, yeah?
Well done. Good work. Great stuff.
Go on... you can do it... you're ready.
Yeah.
I thought I recognised you.
Fair enough.
Probably for the best.
So is your business...
surviving?
I'm sorry.
Oh, I don't want that.
So you're doing the whole
silent escape thing?
Indeed.
Going well?
I touched a colleague's breast
more than once
at a party, I...
They asked me to go on a workshop to...
huh.
I'm just a very...
disappointing man.
No thanks, I'm trying to quit.
Those, on the other hand...
They keep asking me:
"What do you want from this workshop?
What do you want?"
I'm not telling them what I want.
I wanna move back home.
I want to hug my wife.
Protect my children,
protect my daughter.
I wanna move on.
I want to apologise, to...
everyone.
I wanna go to the theatre.
I want to take clean cups
out of the dishwasher
and put them in the cupboards... at home.
And the next morning I want to
watch my wife drink from them.
And I want to make her feel good.
I want to make her orgasm again...
and again.
Truly.
I just wanna cry, all the time.
Claire?
Have you seen my sister?
BOO:
Hi, this is Boo.
I can't come to the phone right now
but please leave me a messiagio
and I'll get back to you.
PHONE BEEPS
Someone should
probably disconnect that.
You cannot know this.
No one can hold a map in their head.
I can. It's three turnings away.
You're so gonna get this wrong.
Stop it!
— What?
I can feel you judging my driving.
I'm not judging your driving.
Let go of the handle then.
Oh, we were supposed
to go down that turning.
What?
— Yeah.
You said three turnings.
— Yeah, well, I missed one.
Just use your phone,
you have a sat—nav on your phone.
Oh my God, there...
Mindful — oh God — Farm.
There it is.
We're going the right way.
l was right.
(WHISPERS):
I was right.
CLAIRE SIGHS
Do you know what the lesbian app
for Grindr is called?
Twat-nav.
Don't make this fun.
CLAIRE SOBS
It's OK. I'm fucking OK. I'm excellent.
I know I seem mental but I'm fine.
OK.
| just...
| just sometimes need...
need you not to...
— To take the piss.
Don't finish my sentences!
Take the piss...
— Out of you and your...
You don't always know
what I'm going to say, OK?
Sorry.
Out of...
Out of her when she's driving.
me while I'm driving.
Sorry.
Is it at... at home
or... work, or Martin, or...?
I'm fine. It's fine.
Martin's being lovely.
Really?
It's fine.
I'm OK.
Fucking psycho!
FLEABAG: Wow!
Dad really splashed out this time.
He must be about to do something awful.
No, it's just Mother's Day.
Oh.
Happy Mother's Day.
We're not supposed to
bond on this are we?
'Cause I really don't think
that's going to end well.
We're not supposed to talk at all.
It's a silent retreat — God help us.
How's everything at the café, are you...?
You really don't have to.
— Pfft, thank you.
Hi. — CLAIRE: Good morning.
— FLEABAG: Hello, hello.
FLEABAG LAUGHS
DOORBELL RINGS
CLAIRE SIGHS
DOORBELL RINGS
Come on.
They're probably gonna
think we're a couple.
The fact that your mind even
goes there is beyond disturbing.
Hey! We'd make
a really cute couple.
CLAIRE SIGHS
MAN:
Sluts!
Yes?
We're gonna die here.
We're gonna be raped and die.
Every cloud...
Oh, just open the fucking door.
It's been fucking forev...
— DOOR OPENS
MONK:
Welcome.
Thank you so much.
— Yeah.
FLEABAG: It's really wonderful.
— Really beautiful grounds.
FLEABAG:
Extraordinary energy, yeah.
| see you've been gifted this retreat.
How lucky you both are.
I hope after this weekend
you will feel... rested, inspired...
Do you have Wi—Fi?
— No.
Would you like
two single beds or a double?
A double, please.
— Two singles.
Actually, do you have
a separate room?
I'm afraid not. Everyone has to share here,
it's part of the communal...
Singles then. Do you get
newspapers in the morning?
No, we try to keep the outside world
on the outside during your stay here.
You'll appreciate it in the end,
I promise.
So, here is your key.
Thank you.
Hope you have a restful weekend.
You too.
Wow, no papers.
You don't read the news.
Yes, I do.
What happened yesterday?
Sting wore white jeans,
and a puppy got stuck in a fan.
Big day.
What's that for?
— My neck and chest.
What's that for?
— My legs and knees.
What's that for?
— Ends of my hair.
What's that?
— For my under—eyes.
What's that?
— That is for my face and body.
What would you do
if someone stole all of those?
I'd kill myself.
Why are there no plug sockets in here?
Don't touch my stuff.
What are these for?
— Nothing.
Mm—hmm...
What?
Well, it's just...
Why would you bring such tiny batteries?
I'm just prepared.
Just I've only ever...
seen them used for remote controls...
— Yes, well...
or alarm clocks.
— Yes, alright.
And vibrators.
— Yes! Alright!
You didn't have to ask for a separate room.
What?
If you wanna have a wank,
I can give you some space.
Oh my God!
No, it's just if you wanna take ten minutes
I'll just go into the bathroom
and moisturise my wrists for a bit.
You are so immature.
Oh, give it a minute.
Oh, God!
Seriously?
What is wrong with your insides?
Why did you bring the tiny batteries?
A—ha!
You're a genius!
Always know where the reserves are.
RETREAT LEADER:
Let go of your past.
Bit on the nose.
Now is the time to let it go
open up your senses
close your mouth and live now.
Welcome to the female—only
Breath of Silence Retreat.
'Women don't speak'.
Erm... Sorry, I think I'm meant to be at...
MAN OUTSIDE: Fucking sluts!
— that one.
Shame.
Yes, the first major consideration
is why are you here?
Can anyone here answer that question?
I want to shut the noise out
and reconnect to my inner thoughts
on the road to feeling
more at one with myself.
Excellent attitude.
Well, you're in the right place.
This weekend is about being mindful.
It's about leaving
your voice in your head
and trapping your thoughts
in your skull.
Think of it as a...
thought prison in your mind.
Firstly, we're going
to teach you how to breathe.
Then we will have a short meditation.
Then we will find our sanctuary
in the partaking of menial tasks
all in perfect silence.
Principle rules are no talking.
If you need to communicate
with any of our other superiors
you can write on that board.
Under no other circumstances
must you communicate
even with each other.
Oh, what if there's an emergency?
— Thank you all for coming here today.
No matter what happens,
a word must not be heard.
WASP BUZZES
WOMAN:
Ssh!
MAN:
Slut!
Fucking bitch! Fucking piece of shit.
MEN SHOUT
Back here, back here, back here,
back to me, back to me.
Alright, now wherever it's come from
your upbringing,
your experiences with women
now is the time to turn that around
to reprogramme your mind,
your body and your mouth
to be the better man.
Alright?
So, this is Patricia.
Yeah? She's a friend.
Now Patricia, has just earned
a promotion at work
beating over six other candidates.
She's the youngest person
to ever achieve this role.
What should we not say
when we meet her?
Clever little munchkin?
— Excellent.
Who'd you blow to get that job?
— OK.
Slut! You fucking stupid slut!
— OK.
OK.
What should we say to her?
Hmm?
Well done, Patricia.
Very good. Well done, Patricia.
Please leave.
Perv.
Slut.
Wow!
ALL:
Well done, Patricia.
Slut!
Guys, it's OK. Keith, can you just...
Oh my God.
Excuse me, miss, you can't be here.
OK.
You really can't be here.
It's for your own good... please.
And now hands up.
Mirror your palms.
Look each other in the eye and...
touch.
Literally her worst nightmare.
Ergh.
Are you alright?
Talk to me.
It's nothing.
God... I can't feel my feet.
Do you remember
we used to go top—to—toe?
Ah, kids are so weird.
We used to do that all the time.
Yeah, when we were ten and cute,
now we're 30 and angry.
God, I'm not suggesting that we...
Just don't, OK?
VIBRATING SOUND
Stop stealing my things.
I'm just checking it's working.
Oh, it's working, it's definitely working.
KNOCKS AT DOOR
DOOR OPENS
— WOMAN: Ssh!
VIBRATING SOUND
- DOOR CLOSES
THEY LAUGH
Have fun.
It's actually a really thoughtful
present. Thank you.
And Martin, getting me that sculpture...
He must have bent over backwards
to get something like that.
| feel very lucky.
l have to tell you something.
What?
I stole that sculpture
from a certain somebody's studio
and then I tried to sell it through Martin
but Martin took it and gave it to you.
Just don't put it pride of place
when Dad...
Well, when they come over.
OK? Because...
Right.
Claire...
Claire?
CLAIRE:
Ssh. Go to sleep.
Shit.
CLANGING GONG
The sooner we get up...
— Argh!
(WHISPERS): The sooner we get on with it,
the sooner we are out of here.
(WHISPERS):
That's a really nice outfit.
Thanks.
Delve into your past.
Think of something
you can't let go of...
a moment of noise.
A moment of tension.
Not for now.
Now... a moment
when you were peaceful.
FLEABAG: If you could change anything
in the whole world, what would it be?
My thighs.
FLEABAG:
The whole world?
Oh, don't tell anyone I said that.
You?
I've always been insecure
about my face...
you know that.
I know. You shouldn't.
Nah, thank you but... hmm.
No, seriously, there's
nothing wrong with your nose.
I mean, there's nothing wrong...
Say that again.
— I mean there's nothing...
What?
— I don't know...
Argh!
— Oh my God!
| always say the wrong thing!
SHE LAUGHS
FLEABAG GASPS
(WHISPERS):
Hot.
(WHISPERING THROUGHOUT):
What is this?
I don't even do this in my own home.
Oh, it's very simple.
We've paid them to let us
clean their house in silence.
SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY
SHE SOBS
Jesus!
RETREAT LEADER: I don't want to come
down on you like a school teacher
but I'm afraid your flagrant lack of respect
for the one rule that we have here
is now affecting the
other students... Er, clients.
Inmates?
— Cleaners?
Participants!
Do you have a problem
with the programme?
| suggest you try sitting here
in silence for the next hour.
It will benefit you.
I swear by my soul it will.
I went through your bag.
What?
I couldn't find anything so you're just gonna
have to tell me what's going on with you.
CLAIRE SIGHS
Talk... or I will scream.
I got the Finland promotion.
What Finland promotion?
How can you ask that? I've told you...
— Oh my God, I'm totally... I know, I know!
The Finland promotion, that's amazing.
— Thank you.
Would that mean
you're a millionaire now?
Handy.
Don't be ridiculous.
Yes, it would.
Well, money makes you cry?
I'm turning it down.
What? Why?
Martin.
Martin says it would be unfair on Jake.
Jake's her stepson, he's really weird -
probably clinically,
but no one really talks about that.
He freaks out if she's gone
for longer than a day.
And he's got this thing about
trying to get in the bath with her.
No, no... No, Jake... No!
He's fifteen.
He's not your son.
— That's not the point.
Go!
— I knew you'd say that.
This is what you've always wanted.
I know.
No more power—suits,
fuck load of snow...
I know.
Perfect place for your cold, cold heart.
I know! I can't, I have responsibilities.
Oh, come on...
Don't let other people get in the way
of what you really want.
Finland is what you really want.
My husband isn't other people, OK?
My husband is my life.
Your husband tried to kiss me
on your birthday.
Did he?
SHE SIGHS
Did he?
DOOR CLOSES
SHE SIGHS
MAN:
Sluts!
APPLAUSE
MAN:
Sluts!
MAN:
Sluts!
MAN:
Sluts!
MAN:
Slut!
APPLAUSE
Slut!
LEADER:
Lovely, lovely.
LEADER:
OK.
LEADER: Up on your feet.
We're gonna say 'sorry Patricia'.
ALL:
Sorry Patricia.
LEADER: Lovely, give yourselves
a round of applause.
Alright guys, well done. We're gonna
head back to that house...
better men, yeah?
Well done. Good work. Great stuff.
Go on... you can do it... you're ready.
Yeah.
I thought I recognised you.
Fair enough.
Probably for the best.
So is your business...
surviving?
I'm sorry.
Oh, I don't want that.
So you're doing the whole
silent escape thing?
Indeed.
Going well?
I touched a colleague's breast
more than once
at a party, I...
They asked me to go on a workshop to...
huh.
I'm just a very...
disappointing man.
No thanks, I'm trying to quit.
Those, on the other hand...
They keep asking me:
"What do you want from this workshop?
What do you want?"
I'm not telling them what I want.
I wanna move back home.
I want to hug my wife.
Protect my children,
protect my daughter.
I wanna move on.
I want to apologise, to...
everyone.
I wanna go to the theatre.
I want to take clean cups
out of the dishwasher
and put them in the cupboards... at home.
And the next morning I want to
watch my wife drink from them.
And I want to make her feel good.
I want to make her orgasm again...
and again.
Truly.
I just wanna cry, all the time.
Claire?
Have you seen my sister?
BOO:
Hi, this is Boo.
I can't come to the phone right now
but please leave me a messiagio
and I'll get back to you.
PHONE BEEPS
Someone should
probably disconnect that.