Fleabag (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

Jogging.

I did a fart the other day
that was exactly like Mum's.

A door opening or suspicious duck?

Door opening.

Mean's your getting mum's bum.

God, I'd be lucky.

My bottom dropped ages ago.

My farts used to be like, pah.

Now they're just sort of
fighting their way out.

I haven't farted in about three years.

Happy Birthday.



She won't eat it.

Thanks.

So, it's a 7pm arrival tonight
for a 7:30 surprise, OK?

Yeah, I got your email.

It's really a business birthday thing.

It won't be much fun
so just don't expect a party party.

I won't.

And maybe just wear trousers.

And don't drink too much.

There's this huge promotion in Finland.

So this party is quite a serious...
I mean, it's basically a business meeting.

Sounds like a blast.

Can I bring a date?

Harry?
— No.



Who?

Oh, I don't know yet.

It's really inappropriate
to jog around a graveyard.

VVhy?

Flaunting your life.

God, I can't wait to be old.

If it's any consolation,
you look older than you are.

PHONE RINGS

Sorry. Sorry.

Hello, Claire speaking.
— Mum died three years ago.

She had a double mastectomy
but never really recovered.

It was particularly hard
'cause she had amazing boobs.

She used to tell me l was lucky
'cause mine would never get in the way.

My sister's got whoppers.

But she got all of Mum's good bits.

What's Martin given you?

Oh, cursory stroke'd be nice.

What? No bang bang?

He say's he's still got that thing on his...

What?

On his...

Come on, you can do it.

I don't have to say.
— Yes, you do.

No, not here. No.
— Come on, little one, come on, please.

Penis.
— Thank you.

He says he still has
that thing on his penis, sorry.

Christ. Look at that man, tragic.

MAN SOBS

FLEABAG:
Nah, he's a con.

You can't call someone
who is grieving a con.

That is shit grieving.

Look at him. He is properly keening.
— No one grieves like that...

Who are you to pass judgement on his grief?
— unless you're in a film or from Italy.

Trust me, he's at a different grave every day.
He can't get enough of it.

MAN SOBS

What?

You come here every day?

Don't do a jumpy-outy surprise thing

and don't sing happy birthday,
I couldn't bear it.

I'm, erm...

I'm actually looking forward to it.

FLEABAG:
Hi, Harry, it's me...

Um, listen, I know we're broken up

but it's Claire's birthday tonight
and I thought that, um...

Er, I thought that maybe, erm...
you'd like to come to her...

birthday party.

Um, anyway, give me a call
and hope you're OK. Bye.

Can't go out with a dog.

CAMERA CLICKS

My boyfriend before Harry

used to make me send him pictures
of my vagina wherever I was.

Ten or eleven times a day.

One day when l was temping,
he asked me to...

PHONE BEEPS

PHONE BEEPS

CAMERA CLICKS

PHONE BEEPS

CAMERA CLICKS

PHONE BEEPS

CAMERA CLICKS

Time to throw the net out.

MULTIPLE SEND NOISES

I am so in trouble.

Jesus Christ.

What am I gonna get Claire?

I am meant to get her
the perfect present.

I am not drunk.

Always drunk.

I am not drunk.
— Oh.

Which is odd
because Claire's so straight.

Smack me in the face. Really hard.

Really?
— Yeah.

CUSTOMER:
Oh. OK.

Fuck. Think you've given me a semi.

HE LAUGHS

Can I eat a water
or a sandwich or something?

I mean, the man's got a problem.

Oh, speak to me. Speak to me.

But no one wants to admit
there's a problem

because then they don't get to have
crazy nights out with fun drunk Martin.

Chicken, are you chicken? No.

He's one of those men who is explosively
sexually inappropriate with everyone

but makes you feel bad if you take offence
because he was just being fun.

Honestly, you could tell him you're
gonna pop to the loo and he'll say...

Yes, you pop to the loo

pull down your kickers and then
I will come in and fuck you.

HE LAUGHS

I mean, this place is ridiculous.

Does anyone ever come in here?

I mean, it is creepy as fuck.

Why don't you get her a guinea pig?
It was a surprise hit here.

What? Do you think she'd like a pig?
Can I take this one?

No, not that one.

Christ, woman.

There's something wrong with that one,
it's got death in its eyes.

Yeah. Vet says she's depressed.

Oh.

Aren't we all, girl?

You know, guinea pigs
can die of loneliness.

Can they?

Hold her.
— No.

She needs it.
— No.

Ssh.

l have an idea.

Ah, he's sexually inappropriate
and he eats raw sausages

but no one's made her laugh like he does

so, I guess I have to give him that.

Right, just put your, wait,
what are you doing, what are you doing?

No.
— All right, stop it.

No, no, no, there. There we go.
— THEY LAUGH

I'm an innocent man.

I bought her a necklace
with her name on it

that she found
and told me not to buy.

I bought her a book,
that she already has.

And she says not to buy her any clothes

because she probably won't wear them.
She scares me.

Oh, this sandwich is so good.

Look, this is London.

Just fuck off and buy something
weird and expensive.

No, no. It's gotta be good,
all right? Help me.

Pay me and I'll help you.
— Fuck off.

How much?

£60.
— 70.

Done.
— Yeah.

I don't know who she is.

Is she...?

No.

What about...?

No.

Just... get whoever you are.

Who are you?

I don't know, I... wanna be that person.

l have been that person.

Hot.

But most of the time I'm that person,
like everyone else.

They're good, right? Chic?

Chic means boring.
Don't tell the French.

What about these?

No. God.

Look, stop checking, all right?
Nobody loves you. Help me here.

Who is this person?

Oh, fuck no.

This is perfect!

Get her something
she'd never get herself.

Surprise her.

She'll think I've gone nuts.

No, she'll think you see her
as this person.

And everyone wants to be this person.

I don't know.

Aren't these for children?

No.

Let's keep going.

I saw some more stuff
she'll hate over there.

COUPLE LAUGHS

My neighbour is really fit.

Which one?
— The fit one.

The one with the sexy big belly?

No, no, he's the other neighbour.

He's like, he's like, OK.

I'm gonna hold his face in my head
so you can see him.

OK.

I'm not getting anything.

Make your face his face.
— Yeah, OK.

Is he mixed race? I'm getting mixed...
— BOO GASPS

Yes!
— DOOR SLAMS

That's him.

Go on...
— No.

Go. Yes.

OK. OK!

Jesus.

I'm really sorry, we're really high.

We just really wanted to know
what you look like.

She thinks you're lovely.

Oh my God, look at my elegant feet.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey. Hello? Hey. Hey!

What's your problem? Who was that?

Er... Oh, no one, it was, er, what?

No, no one, | just need to, | just need
to go and get a drink, or something.

OK.

Cool. Excellent.

Can I go get my shoes?

Yeah. OK.

Whoa! Easy, tiger.

HE LAUGHS

Coming from you.

So, come on,
who is that heartbreaker, hmm?

He used to go out with Boo.

And then he slept with
someone else and then she...

Yeah, yeah. I know, OK. Fuck.

I've never really said how sorry I was.

You should get the trainers.

She'll say I don't know her.

You don't.

You're just as bad.

It's never clear what she wants.
I should just get her some perfume.

Jesus. Just fuck her.

Please, for the love of a good woman

just wrap your willy up in a bow
and just screw her.

She's going insane.

What is it?

You having an affair?

Think you're a clever little puss,
don't you?

Little marital poke isn't gonna kill you.

Would it kill her to take me out to dinner?

You girls, Jesus.

Anyone said that to her,
they'd be hung.

If they were hung, she probably
wouldn't be complaining.

Little advice, from a married man.

Oh.

You should probably
get yourself out there, sweetie.

You're just tipping your prime.

Another drink, hmm?

PHONE BEEPS
— Bingo.

Excuse me, I have a date.

Get the trainers, shop closes in an hour.

Whoa, God, I was not
expecting to see you again.

Shut up.

I mean don't get me wrong,
I am chuffed to my boots

but yeah, oh, and thank you
for the text. Saucy.

HE LAUGHS
— Oh, and sorry I'm late.

Oh no, it's fine, it was last minute.

No, no, no, I am such a tool box.

You know, I'd like to say I was
trying to save a puppy or something

but I just got my coat caught on
someone else's coat outside the Tube.

You know, we had to separate ourselves,
it was fucking intense.

I had to give him my coat.
— HE LAUGHS

What are we doing?

Well, it's my sister's
surprise birthday party.

I love surprises, go on.

Yeah, but I just thought,
I need to get her a present first.

Oh my God, what are you gonna get her?

I know this beautiful soap shop.

I mean, this stuff just
gets you straight in the bath.

Oh, I was thinking more like...
— Yeah?

Oh yeah, these places,
all the time, so yeah.

FLEABAG:
You OK?

Yeah.

Sorry. I won't be long.

Oh...
— HE MUMBLES

Hi.

FLEABAG: Hi!
— Hi.

FLEABAG: Hi.
— Hey.

What are you craving?

Oh, just a really, really cheap thrill.

For you?

Ooh. Hello.

No, it's for her sister.

Yeah, it's for my very
sexually frustrated sister.

Just a basic bunny would be great.

OK. Well, I'll see what I can dig out
and you go browse.

Thanks.

Oh.
— TOY VI B RATES

Oh, I think you just
do it at the bottom.

VIBRATING CONTINUES
— HE LAUGHS

SHE LAUGHS
— VIBRATING STOPS

It's always a twist.

Ooh.

THEY LAUGH

Whoa.
— I know.

Yeah. You should totally
get one of those.

A vagina?
— Yeah.

Oh, I've already got one.

Really? You have?
No, you've got one?

I take it with me everywhere.

Look, no, you lie.

You don't have one on you now?

Yeah. Never gonna get it.

Where?

Where's my vagina?
— Yeah.

Where's my vagina?
— Yeah.

Ha, you got me!

I don't carry a vagina around with me.

That'd be way too provocative.

Didn't get it.

OK, so this one's really great.

It's half price because it's quite relentless.

It's called The Burrower.

Basically it doesn't stop
until you've come.

Excuse me

Oh, don't worry about him.

He'll be fine in a minute.

Oh my god,
I love surprise parties.

I love them, I love them,
I love them, I love!

Will your parents be there?
— My dad might be...

Oh, intense.

Parents adore me.

Um, I want you to be totally in love with me
by the end of the night.

OK?
— OK.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Who's that?

Oh, it's my sister.
— Wow! No. No, no.

We're going to ruin the surprise.
— No, no, we...

No, no, no. — No, really.
— Get down.

It will be fine.

Surprise!

Oh my God.

Thank you so much.
I'm so surprised!

She's very good.

How divine,
what a lovely husband you have.

Where is he then?

GODMOTHER:
Ah, busy.

I'm blown away,
I had absolutely no idea.

Oh, Hildegard, can I just
talk to you for a second?

Hello.
— Hello.

Er, Dad. Hi.

BUS RODENT LAUGHS

Thank you for asking, yeah.
I'm essentially a documentary maker.

Docs.

MARTIN LAUGHS LOUDLY

Oh really?
What is your latest project?

Well, sir, I'm interested in life.

And how it affects lots of people
in all sorts of different ways.

Yeah. It's awesome.

How did you two meet?

Oh, I met her on a bus.

So easy to pick up girls these days.

l was like, hi, and she's like
oh take my number.

ALL LAUGH
— I was like yeah.

I'm just gonna see if there are
any other wines to try.

It's lovely, I'm just gonna see
if there's some others.

Excuse me. Can't resist.

Find anything nicer?

Oh, I was so sorry
to hear about Harry.

Lovely Harry.

Love Harry.

Exciting news about his new job.

Yes. Very exciting.

I was so pleased that you
found someone else so fast.

Mm.

I just can't stop conjuring an image
of you sitting around that café.

Just all alone.
Feeling so terribly lonely.

I just can't stop picturing it.

FLEABAG LAUGHS

I don't think you have to be
alone to be lonely.

Dad always taught me that.

Did your father tell you that
one of my pieces has gone missing?

He did. That's awful, I'm so sorry.

So sweet of you. Very sweet.

May I cut in?

Yes, of course.

Do you know, you are
the most perfect—looking pair.

Such a great gang.

Do you want some normal food?

No. No.

Erm, what I really want to do is this.

Whoa!
— GLASSES SMASH

Oh sorry, nothing happened!

I was trying to be sexy.

So... no, it was, it was really sexy.
— Was it?

What broke, what broke? Show me.

Nothing, I just slipped.
Claire, this is my friend...

CLAIRE:
Yes, yes. We've already met.

My wife, my wife, my wife.

All of your desires
are wrapped up in here.

OK.

Open it.

Well, gold has always...

Wow! Er...

That's really rather wonderful.

Thank you. What is it?
Is it a paper weight or...?

It is a shrine to your body.

Because I love your body.

FLEABAG LAUGHS
— Thank you.

Wow! Wow. This is really...

Can I, can I see, it's,
it's really quite something, yes.

Wow, I think it's really...

Might be a bit inappropriate
for your guests to see your body at this...

I'm just... Shall I put it somewhere safe?

OK.

FLEABAG LAUGHS

MARTIN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Well, I told you I'd find you a buyer.

Your boy, he is hilarious, smart, funny...

Fuck off.

You'd fuck anything, wouldn't you?

Just don't tell her you got
the statue from me, OK?

Oh. How much do you want for it?

Finger up the ass? Nipple tickle?

Come on. Lighten up.

She's gonna leave you one day.

Looking forward to that?

You're an asshole.

CLAIRE:
Hey!

Hey.

I think you took my coat.

Oh.

I'm sorry. This is my coat.

Oh, sorry.

Why you leaving so early?

Oh, I have to give Hilary some earl grey.
She's not feeling well, so.

Oh, got you this.

Oh, I wasn't expecting anything.

It's called The Burrower.
It basically won't stop until you come.

Sounds horrendous.

Thank you.

Good birthday business?

Oh, huge.

You know, I don't wanna
jinx anything, but huge.

Could be life-changing.

Great.

OK, happy birthday.

Thanks.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Tell the truth.

Are we leaving?

Yes.

Birthday girl.

Awesome party, thank you so much,
we had such a great night.

Oh. Whoa.

Oh, what's that? Oh.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.
— Night.

Shall we?

Surprisingly bony.

I've nearly finished, I've nearly finished.

It's like having sex with a protractor.

I'm finishing, I'm finishing.

I'm, I'm done, I'm done. I'm done.

Oh OK.

Whoa! Yeah.

Are you done?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Amazing, that was amazing.

That was amazing.
— Yeah. Yeah

That was amazing.
— Yeah.

For fuck's sake.

What?

OK, you don't go through life
with teeth like these

and not know when
someone's pretending.

HE LAUGHS

What the fuck is that?!
I'll kick it, I'll kick it.

No. no.

BUS RODENT:
I'II kick it, I'll kick it. What?

Did we catch that, or is that yours?

That is a rat.
— It's a guinea pig.

That is a rat.

GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS