Fleabag (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

Fleabag attempts to rekindle romantic fires to distract her from the mayhem of her life.

I think my period's coming.

DOORBELL RINGS

OK...

Hi!

Are you all right?
What's happened? Are you hurt?

No.
— Oh, good.

Nice haircut.
— It's better.

Can I come in?

Why didn't you text?

Well, | just thought I'd pop by.

Tell the truth.



I need to speak to Martin.

Martin?

Martin. Martin.

Why on earth would you
want to speak to...

CLAIRE: Martin?
— Hello!

Hello! My wife in my study, hello.
Give me two.

Gangbangs, Asian.
I'd put a tenner on it.

MARTIN SIGHS
— Finished.

Well, hello, you.

MARTIN LAUGHS

She wants to talk to you
about something.

Oh, well, must be my lucky day.

You said she only likes
to talk to people she fancies.

THEY LAUGH



Ugh.

Can you leave us?
— Why?

He's organising your
surprise birthday party.

Er... you know, I hate surp... OK.

l have a week to organise that now.

Best of luck.

Nice top.

Ugh. Thanks.

Do you deal in sculptures as well as
paintings and papier—maché?

Depends on the quality of the piece.

Fuck me.

MARTIN:
What a pair!

MARTIN LAUGHS
— I know, right?

Where'd you get this?

Oh, just a...
stole it from a market.

Oh. It's quite a piece.
Who's the artist?

Just a... market artist.

Huh.

If I sell it, I take ten percent. Deal?

Deal.

OK. Well, I'll get her
photographed now.

Don't tell Claire, please.

Or what?

Or I'll... |'||...
— MARTIN LAUGHS

You got nothing on me, princess.

SHE LAUGHS

Or I'll tell her you were
watching gangbangs.

Please don't do that again.

I wasn't, by the way.

Ugh.

Disappointing.

Erm... Where did you get that?

Oh, I brought it with me.

No, you didn't. Give it back.

Tight.

Patch things up with Harry?

Yeah. We're... engaged, so.

God! What?

No, we're not engaged.

No, he's back at the flat,
packing up all his stuff again.

Oh. I'm sorry.

He really used to make you laugh.

He also used to say things like...

You're not like other girls.

You can... keep up.

HE SLU RPS

I like Harry. I liked his songs.

I admire how much Harry
commits to our breakups.

I mean, this is a new detail.

But he does usually go the extra mile.

A few times, he's even
cleaned the whole flat.

Oh God, no.

Like it's a crime scene.

I've considered timing a breakup for when
the flat needs a bit of a going over.

I don't think this is working.

What?

But he always leaves...

him.

To come back for.

Got to think about all the people
I can have sex with now.

I'm not obsessed with sex.

| just can't stop thinking about it.

The performance of it

the awkwardness of it

the drama of it.

The moment you realise
someone wants your body.

Not so much the feeling of it.

Probably got about 48 hours
before Harry comes back.

I should get on it.

I took half an hour trying to look nice

and I ended up looking amazing!

Just one of those days.

Gorgeous, fresh—faced,
new top, little bit sexy

on my way to open my café.

And... Oh God.

Yeah, you check me out, chub—chub,
‘cause it's never going to happen.

Oh God, he can't believe
how attractive I am.

Kind of worried I'm going to make
a sex offender out of the poor guy.

Here we go.
This better be good. Here we go.

MAN COUGHS
— Walk of shame!

BIKE BELL RINGS
— CYCLIST: Oi!

Oh.
— SHE LAUGHS

Dropped my cucumber.

Just dropped my...

Um... Could I get a
cheese sandwich to go, please?

Sure.

That'll be, um... £12.55, please.

London.

SHE LAUGHS
— Thanks.

Why do I recognise her?
Is she famous?

Boo's death hit the papers.

Local café girl gets hit by bike,
and a car, and another bike.

Oh no, she used to work here.
— Oh.

I'm sorry, I don't have any change.

MAN SIGHS

The next man who walks in here
is getting ridden to death.

Dad!

Hi.

Not ideal.

Um... How are you? Darling?

You busy?

A bit.

Well, I won't keep you.

I just wanted to talk about
when you dropped in the other night.

OK.

I can't help thinking that l... we...

Yeah?
— I know that we...

don't have much
of a chance to...

take the sculpture?
Did you take it?

No. What sculpture?

Oh right. Right. Good.

Good. You said, "No," and that...

that means I can go.
All right, great.

Phew.

Are you happy? Are you healthy?

DAD:
Hmm.

GIRLS CHATTER

Hey. Do you do, like,
hot organic—y food?

Of course.

What would you like?

Um, I like risotto.
— Yeah.

Sure. Grab a seat.

GIRLS CHATTER

Hey.

Hi.

Hey.

Hey.

It's nice to see you.

You too.

Fucked me up the arse.

What are you getting?

Oh, just these.

For my tiny, bleeding vagina.

Hot.

You?

Stock cubes.

Hot.

Hope it's a light flow.

Oh.
— SHE LAUGHS

It never is.

It never... is.

Listen, you around later?

Er...

Yes, fucking yes please, yes.

Yes.

Cool.

Cool. Bye.

Yes!

YOGA GIRL 1:
I'm so happy with my body now.

Like, I don't have to define
myself by how I look

‘cause I've just got
a fucking great body!

YOGA GIRL 2:
Yeah.

YOGA GIRL 1:
Yeah! I can like, do other stuff now.

YOGA GIRL 2:
That's so great!

YOGA GIRL 1:
Mike wants to start trying for a baby.

OK?

No... I can't blow this body
on a baby, Steph.

I'm going to have to leave him.

SHE LAUGHS

What the fuck?

FLEABAG:
Oh, shit.

YOGA GIRL 1:
That is not hygienic.

Sorry.

Oh, gross! We're leaving now.

I suppose you should meet Hilary.

Two years ago, I...

OK, the most important thing is

if you don't like it,
we can't take it back, OK?

OK.

Happy birthday.
I'm sorry, I panicked.

As long as I can wear it
or eat it, I'm happy.

You can do both of those things.

Oh my God! Did you get me a...
What is this?

|...
— SHE LAUGHS

What is...?
— I don't know!

What is it?
— Something to love?

She's beautiful!

THEY LAUGH

Thank you, you idiot.

FLEABAG:
Escape artist.

I don't feel anything about
guinea pigs, they're pointless.

But Boo took Hilary
very seriously as a gift

and soon everything
became guinea pig related.

This is an excellent one.

Drink?

SLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

Look, I'm sorry about the mess.

No problem.

Do you want some
prosciutto with that?

Mmm.

He's so reliable.

Utterly inaccessible
and relentlessly profound.

All he wants is to get you in the bath
and ask questions like...

What are you afraid of?

And you find yourself saying things like...

I guess, losing
the currency of youth.

Ask me a question.

When did you realise
you were so good—looking?

I knew I was different
when l was about nine.

But shit got real around 11.

Shit got real?

You know. Aunts got weird.

I have another question.

OK.

Do you ever feel lonely?

Yeah. Of course.

Do you?

Never.

Do you want some pineapple?

Yeah.

God! Yeah!

Oh, they're so small. You are so small!

What?

They're so small.

So...

Small. God, they are so fucking tiny.

Yeah, I guess they're...

God, they're hardly even there!
I mean, what the fuck even are they?

Bit much.

Excuse me.

Oh yeah.

I'm having a Harry panic.

Madame Ovary is telling me
to run back to safe place.

I can make baby in safe place.

But... got to ride it out.

Mustn't... call... Ha...

Thanks for coming.

That's OK.

Are you OK?

Your message sounded urgent.

Were you busy?

No, I was in the interval...

Oh cool.
— of Cats.

OK.
— The musical.

Was it good?
— Really good actually. Really good.

Sorry for interrupting.

No, that's OK.

I got the feeling it wasn't
going to end well for the cats

so, I mean, probably good to remember
them like that, before they all...

Sorry. Are you OK?

Who were you with?

A work friend.

A girl.

l, um...

I found this.

Thanks.

I didn't realise I'd left it.

Why is your hair wet?

Don't look at me like that.

Like what? Like what?

Look, I don't want
to sound cold or cruel or...

and I don't want you to think I'm just off
happy at the theatre all the time either.

I'm not.

But... I'm not going to... | just...

If this is about us getting
back together, I was serious.

This time, I'm not just
going to come running back.

I really just need some time away from...

I'm so glad you called.

I'm so glad you picked up.

I've missed you.

I've missed you.

Oh my gosh, you feel good.

| wish he'd just fuck me.

All he wants to do is make love.

Are you OK?
— Yeah, I'm really good. I'm amazing.

He's wasting me.

l was once fucking this guy
who would breathe on every thrust.

You're so young! You're so young!

| masturbate about that all the time.

Masturbate a lot these days.

Especially when I'm bored.

Or angry.

Or upset.

Can we just...

Or happy.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Amazing.

Yeah.

Shall I...
— No, could you just... just stay there.

Oh, just don't... Yeah, no, don't. Just...

Yeah, ssh.

Yeah.

Yes, just... oh, just...

Oh God.

SHE MOANS

I think we should stop masturbating.

No, don't say anything yet.

I just think it might help us
focus on each other

you know, be more present.

Really successful couples do it, you know.

Um...

I've hidden our vibrators.

Our?

I thought it might be fun.

To find them?

No. Just to try and not...

...touch ourselves.

To try and save our touches
for each other.

What do you think?

Well, I think you're being really sexy.

Don't!

Ooh, I'm joking!

I never masturbate.
I don't know how.

Yeah, also, I thought we should
try and surprise each other

once every day.

Just a, you know, sweet little something

just to keep it, you know...

Are you getting this out of a book?

I've already planned
your first surprise, so...

don't eat too much before dinner.

See you later.

And I will see you later, too.

FLEABAG:
Oh!

Hi.

Just thought I'd pop by for some lunch.

Bit weird.

Yes. Well.

How are you? Quiet day?

Yeah, I'm fine.
You OK? You look stressed.

Well, I'm successful, so.

Do you have rye bread?

Er, no. But I have some normal bread
you can puke up after.

Great.

What do you want on it?

Oh, just tomatoes is fine.

Just tomatoes?

Just a tomato sandwich?

Yes. There a problem?

No.

Listen, I don't want to know
anything about this surprise party.

But if you could just... have it at mine,
this Friday at 7.30, that'd be great.

I can organise it and act surprised,
but if you could just...

Do you know what?
Why don't I just do it?

I can organise it,
do the food, act surprised

and just... take it off your hands.

I mean, I can see that you're busy, so.

OK. If you want.

Well, I don't want to, but I think it'd be
easier for everyone if I could just...

OK.

I mean, I've done it. It's done.
It's this Friday at 7.30, at mine.

Great.

How behind are you?
If it's money that you need...

I don't need money.

That'll be £25, please.

London.

Thanks.

Can't believe that thing's still alive.

Oh, um... any news on Harry?

Yeah, we're back together.

Oh God. I can't keep up.

Hello?

Harry?

Oh... shit!

Surprise, surprise, surprise...

Surprise!
— HARRY SCREAMS

It's me! It's me! It's me! It's me!

Why would you do that?
I thought I was going to get raped!

I'm sorry! I just...
Baby, I'm sorry.

I thought you wanted a surprise.
It was a ninja surprise.

Oh my God, my heart.
I'm shaking so much. Oh my God.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Oh my God!

Oh...
— Oh my God.

OK. It's OK. Are you OK?

Oh my God.

Did you have a good day?
— I did, yeah. It was fine, thanks.

Baby, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry. I didn't think...

I didn't think you were
going to react like that. I...

I'm sorry, it was a joke.

It was a good joke.

Jesus.

I thought you'd be later.

Yeah,Lu
— HARRY SCREAMS

Oh my God!

Oh, God, sorry, ljust...
I think I'm still in shock.

That was horrible.

It was a surprise.

I know. Thank you. It's fine.

Shall I go and get us some wine?

OK.

I know what you look like!
I know what you took!

That is the last time!

Splashed out on a
special bottle for a special...

Harry?

Had to go into the history
on my computer

to find something I'd seen on the
H&M website this morning, and...

I don't want to point fingers, but...

anal, gangbang, mature,
big cock, small tits

hentai, Asian, teen, MILF,
big butts, lesbian, gay

facial, fetish, bukakke, young and old

swallow, rough, voyeur, and public.

Why are you being so sexy?

Don't make me hate you.

Loving you is painful enough.

OK, sorry.

But I really think you should
write that down.

I know it's not appropriate, but I really
think you should write that down.

It's really good for a line.
— I'm not going to write down...

No, no, I'm serious!
For your songs and stuff.

It's perfect.
It's poetic, yet real. Serious.

Don't make me...

Hate you.
— Yeah, I know! Thank you!

Loving you is painful...

What am I doing?

There's someone at work who loves me.

Well, she told me she loves me,
and I said we couldn't be together

because I had to know.

Do you want to be alone?

You will never see me again.

I'll always love you,
but I just can't take it anymore.

I don't hate you, I'm scared for you.

He's going to write that down.

I don't hate you... scared.

I'm going to go pack my things up
from the bedroom again. But...

I'm not going to clean.

It's still in pretty good shape, so.

If I don't see you after that, goodbye.

Forever.

He'll be back.