Fleabag (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

HEAVY BREATHING

You know that feeling
when a guy you like

sends you a text at
two o'clock on a Tuesday night

asking if he can come and find you

and you've accidentally made it out
like you've just got in yourself.

So you have to get out of bed,
drink half a bottle of wine

get in the shower, shave everything,
dig out some Agent Provocateur business

suspender belt, the whole bit

and wait by the door
until the buzzer goes?

DOORBELL BUZZES

And then you open the door to him like
you've almost forgotten he's coming over.



Oh. Hi.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

And then you get to it immediately.

HEAVING BREATHING

After some pretty standard bouncing

you realise he's edging
towards your arsehole.

But you're drunk and he made
the effort to come all the way here.

So you let him. He's thrilled.

Oh!

I'm so thrilled.

And then the next morning
you wake to find him fully dressed

sat on the side of the bed,
gazing at you.



He says that...
— Last night was incredible.

which you think is an overstatement.

But then he goes on to say that...

It was particularly special because
I've never managed to actually...

up the burn with anyone before.

To be fair he does have a large penis.

And although it's always
been a fantasy of mine

I've never found anyone
I could do it with.

And then he touches your hair.

And thanks you with a genuine earnest.

Thank you.

It's sort of moving.

Then he kisses you gently...

and then he leaves.

And you spend the rest
of the day wondering...

do l have a massive arsehole?

BELL RINGS

Well, um, this doesn't happen
very often, does it?

THEY LAUGH
— No.

No, I suppose it's...

THEY LAUGH
— It's quite rare, yeah.

I hate myself.

Um, are you going to work?

Er, no actually...
— Okay, um, this is gonna sound crazy

um, but I think that I
should take your number

and I think I should call it

and I think I should ask you if you
wanna go out for a drink with me.

Um...

Fuck me, you've got a boyfriend.

Er, no. Um, no, we broke up
quite recently actually.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry,
slash really pleased.

Um, how the hell did he
manage to fuck that up?

Power rarely gives up without a fight.

Particularly in places where there are
divisions of tribe, divisions of sect.

we also know that populism
can take dangerous turns

and there will be difficult
days along the way.

From the extremism of those who would use
democracy to deny a minority of rights

to the nationalism that...
— What are you doing?

Nothing.

Harry.

I know what you were doing.
— I was watching the news.

Really?
— Yeah.

Really?
— Yeah.

What was he talking about then?

What?
— SHE LAUGHS

Please, I just need to hear this.
What was he talking about?

Iraq.

Don't say anything,
and please don't stop me leaving.

Please don't!
— Okay. — Don't!

I've really tried to be
there for you through this.

You can't say I haven't tried.

Don't say anything.

And please don't contact me

or turn up at my house drunk
in your underwear.

It won't work this time.
— It will.

I'm taking that posh shampoo.

He was talking about democ...

Oh, he was just...

...rea|ly kind
and supportive with my work.

He'd cook all the time,
he'd run baths, hoover.

He'd laugh at all of my jokes.

He was really great with my family
and my friends loved him.

Plus he was really fucking affectionate.

HE LAUGHS

Yeah, he sounds like a dickhead.
— Yeah.

So was that like you can have
my number or whatever you...

Yes. Yeah, I guess it's a yes.

Oh my God. Great. Okay.

Put that in there.

And I'll be sure to treat you
like a nasty little bitch.

Um, that was a joke.

Oh no, I know, I know.
— Yeah, okay. That was like, oh.

Okay. Great. Wow.

l'll buzz you then?

Okay.
— Okay. Okay.

I can't stop smiling. Sorry I...
— HE LAUGHS

Oh, okay.

Thank you for coming in today.

We really appreciate you considering us
for your small business start—up loan.

No problem.
— I've read your application form.

Thank you.
— It was... funny.

Oh.

Okay, that wasn't my intention but...

As you are probably aware

we haven't had the opportunity
to support many...

any women—led businesses since the...

Sexual harassment case.

The sexual harassment case, yes.

Are you alright?
— Oh yeah, sorry.

| just, um, I ran from the
station so I'm just a bit hot.

But I'm really excited about, um...

Water?
— er, no thanks, I'm fine.

Actually, yeah,
water would be great, if I could...

Sure.

There are a couple of details
that we need to iron out

and one or two bits and pieces
I'm gonna need to see some more on.

It says in here that you opened
the business with your partner in...

Okay.

I'm sorry, that kind of thing
won't get you very far here anymore.

Oh no, sorry.

I thought I had a top on underneath.

Yeah, okay.
— No seriously.

In this case, genuine accident.

I can see given our history
why you might think that's...

No! Seriously I wasn't
trying to. l was hot.

I take this kind of thing very seriously.

I'm not trying to shag you!
Look at yourself!

Okay.

Please leave.

On...

No, you don't understand.
I need this... I need this loan....

Please just leave.

Perv!

Slut!

Wow!

My sister.

She's uptight and beautiful
and probably anorexic

but clothes look awesome on her so...

You're almost late.

Had to do a flash poo in Pret.

Oh Christ. Did you wash your hands?

Course not.

Oh my God! You are disgusting.
Fucking hell.

Of course I washed my hands.
It's not like a grew up without a mother.

Heard from dad?

No.

Dad's way of coping with
two motherless daughters

was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures

start fucking our Godmother
and eventually stop calling.

You look tired.

Thanks, I've been sleeping
really well recently.

Shit.

I'm wearing the top
that she lost years ago.

So... this is gonna be tense.

Do you want to take your coat off?

No.
— Okay.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

So, any luck with...

Oh God, can we just have
two seconds without...

l was going to ask how
it was going with the café.

I know, I just don't wanna talk about it yet!
— Fine, we won't talk then. — Fine.

Hair looks nice.
— Oh fuck off.

The only thing harder than having
to tell your super—high—powered

perfect, anorexic, rich super—sister
that you've run out of money

is having to ask her to bail you out.

I'm just gonna ask her.

I'm just gonna ask her.

I'm just gonna ask her.
I'm just gonna come...

Do you need to borrow money?
— No.

Can't do it, can't do it,
I can't do it. Can't do it.

Your business is good then?

Yeah. It's good. It's really good.
It's really, really good.

Yeah, it's really good.

Sounds like it's really good.

It is.

Hey.

Hey.

Can I get you anything?

No thanks, I'm good.

ls Harry helping?
Er, we broke up.

What?! Again?

Mmm. If you see him,
I'm a wreck, okay?

God, just don't get drunk and
scream through his letterbox again.

Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence.

Don't get drunk and
shit in your sink again.

When are you gonna
stop bringing that up?

When you do something better!

l have two degrees, a husband
and a Burberry coat.

You shat in a sink!

CLAIRE: Oh. Hi. — MAN: Thank you. Hi.
— FLEABAG: Oh, no problem.

Nothing is ever going to be better.

I swear there are pants
that give you thrush.

What are yours made from?

I dunno.

FLEABAG:
I need to get sexy pants.

BOO: I hate my body, I hate my body,
I hate my body, I hate my body.

Fucking last minute bastard trendy parties,
why do we do it to ourselves.

Oh my God, definitely not.
That does nothing for you. I hate that.

What?

These are my clothes, Boo,
I've been wearing these all day.

Oh God.

Were you wearing your coat?
— Yes.

But...

Well, nothing here looked nice so I just thought
I'd wear what I was wearing anyway.

Are you joking?

Are you joking?

Yes.

Oh my God! Why didn't you tell me!
— It's really not that bad! I love you!

I've gotta get a whole new outfit now!

I'll buy you pants, I'll buy you sexy pants!
— I've been so many places today!

I'll buy you sexy pants!
— Fuck off!

I'm sorry! I think it's a lovely dress!
— Get out of here!

Oh, I mean, you really shouldn't
wear such cheap materials.

They don't let your fanny breathe.

I know.

APPLAUSE

Thank you so much for coming
to Women Speak

opening women's mouths since 1998.

Before we begin,
I would like to ask you a question.

I don't know about you,
but I need some reassurance.

SHE LAUGHS

So I pose the question
to the women in this room today.

Please raise your hands

if you would trade
five years of your life

for the so—called perfect body.

We are bad feminists.

I want my top back.
— Okay.

Won't you get cold?
— No, I've got really hairy nipples.

What?

Oh!
— Fuck!

Fuck!
— What was that?!

Jesus!
— A fucking hug!

Well, why the fuck did you do that?

It was terrifying. Never do that again!

I was just trying to...

Are you okay?
— Yeah.

Do you wanna go for a drink or...?
— No, I've got plans.

Okay, fine. Sure, see you next time
'Women Speak' then.

Do you wanna go for a drink?

PHONE BEEPS

And my sister blows glass.
She has done for a long time.

What was I saying,
I've never like been in a fight.

Well, I've been in a fight. Never been punched
in the face, you know what I mean?

I've been punched in the leg and someone
once threw some punch in my face.

So my colours this season
are sort of brown mainly

but like, you know,
I wouldn't say no to a maroon.

I wouldn't like jump down the throat of
someone wearing something blue

it's just not for me.

So, I'm gonna go for a waz.

HE LAUGHS
— Yep, okay.

Same again? While I'm up.
Or perhaps like a little cocky—tail?

Or like a nice shot?

Oh, yeah, or we could
just go back to mine.

Wow. Um, thanks.

Er, I've actually got work, er, tomorrow,
but, um, another drink here?

Or we could just go back to yours.
— Gotta be up really early so...

Well, let's get you a cab in the morning.
— That's ridiculous. I can't...

HE LAUGHS
— Okay, what the fuck is your problem?

Oh, um, nothing.

I, um, I like you.

Okay, you're a dick.

What's going on?

You're pathetic.

Wait!
— Oh, don't follow me.

Oh. I wasn't.

You dropped this.

Um...

Hey.

Come on.

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Sad face.

I'm fine.

Oh.

You're such a lovely man.

Okay.
— Thank you.

Stay there, stay there, you okay?

Okay. Hey. Hey.

Do you wanna come home with me?

What?! No way!

You naughty boy.

BELL RINGS

Uh!
— Ooh, sing a song, Boo—boo.

# Another lunch break, another abortion!

# Another piece of cake, another two...

# Fucking 20 cigarettes...
and we’re happy!

# So happy to be modern women! #

Hey, come here.

Let's never ask anyone for anything.
They don't get it.

Deal.
— Deal.

Fuck it.

# Do, do, doup doup! #

Hello? Open! Look.

Alright, Dad?

What's going on?

Oh, I'm absolutely fine.

Okay.

I just, er...

Yeah?

Ah, it's nothing.

It doesn't... it's...

You know it's nearly
two o'clock in the morning.

Okay.

Yeah, okay. Um,
I'm don’t wanna, I'm gonna...

It was...

Oh fuck it...

l have a horrible feeling that I'm
a greedy, perverted, selfish

apathetic, cynical, depraved,
morally bankrupt woman

who can't even call herself a feminist.

Well, um...

you get all that from your mother.

SHE LAUGHS

Good one.

Er, I'm gonna call you a cab, darling

and, um, please don't go upstairs.

To be fair she's not
an evil stepmother.

She's just a cunt.

Hi.

Darling, I thought that must be you.
Everything alright?

Yeah, I just thought I'd swing by.

Oh, how lovely. Lucky us.

Oh don't worry,
Dad's already booking me a taxi.

What you doin'?

Oh, painting.

I find the night time's very peaceful...

Usually.
— THEY LAUGH

Oh, warming up.

Look, I know it's not really my place,
but are you okay?

Everyone's been really worried.
— Poor fucker.

Yes, she's actually an expression of how
women are subtle warriors, strong at heart.

You know, we don't have to use
muscular force to get what we want

Tits don't get you anywhere
these days. Trust me.

It's very valuable actually.

How much?
— Thousands.

Whoa. Can I have it?

SHE LAUGHS
— No.

What's that?

Oh, um, my self—portrait.

Oh.

DAD: Right, it's here.
— Oh, er, I think I can hear your dad.

DAD:
Cab's here!

Thanks.

Ah, nice of him.

Okay. Bye.
— Bye.

Um, please look after yourself.
You really do look ghastly, darling.

Oh, a café, eh?

Yeah.

On your own?

Er, kind of.

Kind of? Go on.

SHE LAUGHS
— It's quite a funny story actually.

On no, that's good,
it'll keep me going. Shoot.

I opened the café with my friend, Boo.

Cute name.
— Yeah.

Yeah, she's dead now.

She accidentally killed herself.

It wasn't her intention
but it wasn't a total accident.

She didn't actually think she'd die

she just found out that her
boyfriend fucked someone else

and wanted to punish him
by ending up in hospital

and not letting him visit her for a bit.

She decided to walk
into a busy cycle lane

wanting to get tangled in a bike,
break a finger maybe.

But as it turns out bikes go fast
and flip you into the road.

Three people died,
she was such a dick.

SHE LAUGHS

So yeah. Kind of on my own.