Fleabag (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

SHE PANTS

ARSEHOLE GUY:
Oh yeah.

Yeah!
— ARSEHOLE GUY: Phew.

Oh!

Oh, look at me!

HE PANTS

I want to see those tiny things again.

Eh. Huh.

SHE PANTS

Stay sexy. Always stay sexy.

ARSEHOLE GUY:
Those tits. Uh.



Ooh.

Oh.
— Ah, yes.

So... fucking tiny.

May I, er...

oh, yeah.

HE PANTS

Um...

Oh God.

There's always a stage when someone's
falling in love with you

that they lose their erection.

They get confused. They panic.
The stakes get too high

the blood rushes from
their click to their heart.

Oh Jesus.

And everything is fucked!



FLEABAG GASPS

What?

Ah, no, I don't think Hilary's
gonna wanna hear this.

No, go on.

No.

No, go on.

OK. An 11—year—old boy
was put in juvenile prison

for repeatedly sticking rubber ended pencils
up the school hamster's arsehole.

What?

Yeah.

Why would they do that?

Apparently he liked it when
their eyes popped out.

No, why would they send him away?
He needs help.

She was a surprising person.

They shouldn't have
just locked him up.

He pencil fucked a hamster.

Yeah, but he's obviously not happy —
happy people wouldn't do things like that!

Fair point.

And anyway, that's the very reason why
they put rubbers on the end of pencils.

What, to fuck hamsters?

No. Because people make mistakes.

ARSEHOLE GUY:
Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Look, about last night.

Uh oh.

I don't usually connect with women.

I know,
that's what I like about you.

Yeah. OK. Um... I, er...

HE EXHALES

Wow.

HE EXHALES

This must be what insecure feels like.

Actually, can we speak about this later?

I want to find the right words for you.

I'll see you at the sexhibition?

Yeah, see you there.

I'm gonna go to yoga.

OK.

GODMOTHER GASPS

Ooh. Marvellous.

I'm so relieved you're here.

Hi.

And hello, good looking.
— FLEABAG: Hi.

Hello.

Thank you.

FLEABAG:
Thank you.

Well clung to.

Thank you.

Does it get very boring

everybody telling you how
gorgeous you are all the time?

Er... a little.

Should we, er...

Oh, yes, I won't forget this, I promise.

Oh, sure. ls Claire here yet?

No, not yet.
You're an angel for being here.

Would you just hold onto that

and there are bottles for topping up
on the little bar just inside.

I'm the luckiest thing to have you.

And erm... there.

You're a natural.

No, really though, this sexhibition isn't
about me trying to get you all aroused

it's about the beauty of sex

and how it brings us all together.

how it opens people's minds.

After all, sex got us all here.

Sex brings life.

SHE SOBS

I've been building this sexhibition
since I was 11 and a quarter

which is when I first climaxed

by accident on a bidet.

The bidet is, of course, exhibited here as are
all the pieces from my first ever sexhibition.

All apart from one.

A few weeks ago

one of my most delicate pieces
was stolen from my studio.

CROWD GROANS

But in a sense it was a blessing.

In fact, her brutal snatching made me think of all
the women of the world who have been robbed

of their freedom, of their happiness

and, in the saddest of cases, of their bodies.

So in many ways I have to thank the thief

for creating my most profound
piece of work to date.

A woman robbed.

APPLAUSE

Now I would ask you all to leave
your genitals at the door

and bring your minds to these pieces.

I don't believe people always think
about sex when they see a naked body

I believe they think
about their own minds

their own bodies and their own power.

And that's what this show is really about.

It's about power.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Claire, it's me.
Just wondering where you are

'cause I am very much here
and waiting for you. OK, bye.

SHE SIGHS
— Damn it, Claire.

Have you seen a sort of stressed
out version of me anywhere?

Is it weird that my mouth's watering?

It's really fantastic work,
honestly. It's amazing.

Thank you so much.

Yes, extraordinary.

Really, really moving and present.

I'd love one of these on my floor.

Like a rug with perks.

I'm sure you would

but it's very securely nailed
to the wall this evening.

THEY LAUGH

Have you found your father yet?

Oh yes, I think he's by the coats.

Oh, no, no.
Have you found your father yet?

It's just so very obvious to me.

Yeah.

Er... Oh, Connor.

Oops.

ARSEHOLE GUY:
Look, about this morning.

God, listen, what I was trying to say is...

Oh, here we go.

I didn't realise this until we were
having sex earlier and I lost my...

Erection.
— Erection.

One more time.

Erection.

But it made me realise

I'm in love.

Oh...
— SHE LAUGHS

OK. I mean,
I don't really know what to...

And I don't want to
have sex with anyone else

and that's never
happened to me before.

SHE CHUCKLES

HE EXHALES

I'm in love.

And I need to tell her.

Her? — Yeah, we've been together
for a couple of months

and physically she just
never satisfied me.

She has these really
massive bouncy tits

that really don't do anything for me
and you just kept turning up

like this sexy plank

and it confused me.

| just don't think I should be
fucking around behind her back anymore

but I just thought
that I should say that I am

sorry if I have led you on.

Oh. No.

Oh God, no. My, um, my ex is
due back any day now anyway

so that's, um... I'm happy for you.

Yeah... I I knew you wouldn't give a shit.

Yeah, well, what can I say?

SHE LAUGHS

I'm sorry. I don't give a shit.

Cool.

Never wear padding, OK?

Claire, where are you?

I can't survive much longer
in this sea of penises

and I don't know anyone and so...

Harry?

Harry?

Hi.

Hi.

What did she do to you?

Well just, you know

covered me in plaster and
left me in the garden for a couple of hours.

SHE EXHALES

Oh God, hi. Oh.
It's so good to see you.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Um...

I'm just gonna go and browse around.

It was really nice to meet you.

You too.

That's Elaine.

Hm.

Hello darling.

We're...

Hey, did you see that really good
looking guy that came in with me?

No, but I saw a really good looking
guy on his motorbike outside...

VVhy?

Oh, yeah, that's... he, um,
well he and | and...

Oh, great.

Yeah, he just dumped me, you know.

Oh. Eh... um I'm sorry.

This is very you.

Yeah. Yeah... she, er, she said
you were cool with us doing... that.

Yeah, I don't know why she... erm...

where's my penis?

Oh, it's on the wall over there.

Second from the left.

I should probably go and find Elaine.
She doesn't like being left on her own so

You've still got some stuff at the flat.

I've been rolling around
in my lingerie all over it

waiting for you to come and collect it.

Yeah,Lu

Just your, your Tupperware and
your TV and your dinosaur plate.

Oh... I got a new dinosaur plate

but... erm

yeah... thank you.
but you can, you can keep those.

Hey...

do you still wank
about me sometimes?

No.

Elaine.

Oop.
— HE LAUGHS

Claire! My God, it's been hell.
Where have you been?

l erm.

All parked up.

Hello, you.

Erm...

We almost didn't make it but...

We didn't wanna let the old boy down.

But I thought that... — We're just gonna do
a quick whizz round to show our faces.

OK I... but...

We're just gonna do
a quick whizz around.

Sorry, could you just... could you just do
something with those. Thank you, darling.

SHE SNAPS HER FINGERS

GLASS SMASHES

Don't!

Don't!

GLASS SMASHES

GODMOTHER LAUGHS

The joys of butterfingered staff.

Stop making a spectacle of
yourself and clean that up.

You clean that up.

Apologise.

I'm sorry.

Turns out I'm not such
a natural after all.

SHE SOBS

Oh, fuck off.

I'm just going to say this once.

I deserve to be happy.

I am allowed to move on.

l have a good life

and I am happy, alright?

Alright?

If you don't mind, I'm going to
go and get my cardi from the car.

It's a little chilly.

I'm sorry you had to hear that

but you did have to hear it.

No, no. She'll do it.

What the fuck was that?

What is he doing here?

You're not going to Finland?

Oh God.

What are you doing here?

I'm helping.

SHE CHUCKLES

He is...
— He didn't try to kiss you.

He did.

He says it was more like
the other way around.

What?

But that's just not true.

Huh.

No, fuck you.

Claire...
— Please don't.

No, Claire, he came
out into the garden...

I don't wanna hear it.

Claire, you have to believe me.

How can I believe you?

Because I'm your sister.

After what you did to Boo!

SHE SOBS

He slept with someone else. He said...

He told me he fucked someone else.

I'm sorry but you just have to
see it from my point of view.

Come on.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

I think I love him.

I'm gonna hurt myself.
I'm gonna get hit by a bike.

I'm gonna hurt my finger and then he's
gonna have to come and see me in hospital

and be really sorry for what he did.

CAR HORN

DAD SOBS

I don't know where you came from.

What, you don't think we're the same?

You've got the same lines
on your forehead as me.

Thank you for fixating on them.

And you're stubborn.

Snap.

And sad...

Not born sad.

Some people are.

You weren't.

No. I guess not.

Jesus, why do daughters get to say
that they're fucked up by their fathers

when it's so often
the other way round?

THEY CHUCKLE

Why do you do that to yourself?

Looks cool.

I think your mother would have admired
your little performance up there.

Do you ever think about her?

Yeah.

Do you think about your friend?

All the time.

Well.

I'm sorry.

Think you should go.

BOO: Hi, this is Boo.
I can't come to the phone right now

but please leave me a messiagio
and I will get back to you.

BOO: Hi, this is Boo.
I can't come to the phone right now

but please leave me a messiagio
and I will get back to you.

You OK?

BANK MANAGER:
Big night then?

Hmm...

What?

I thought in the application for
your loan it said you ran a café

for guinea pigs.

That's why I thought it was funny. I...

never thought guinea pigs needed...

FLEABAG:
It's guinea pig themed.

OK.
— Yeah.

That makes sense.
— Yeah.

Can I get you a cup of tea?

Run out.

BANK MANAGER:
Coffee?

Run out.

Well, I should probably be
heading back to the office.

Cafés are a very difficult business.

You certainly made this one very...

unique.

I also fucked it into liquidation.

OK.

And I fucked up my family.

Did you?

And I fucked my friend
by fucking her boyfriend.

Right.

And sometimes I wish I didn't
even know that fucking existed

and I know that my body, as it is now

really is the only thing I have left

and when that gets old and
unfuckable I may as well just kill it.

And somehow there
isn't anything worse

than someone who
doesn't want to fuck me.

I fuck everything.

Except for when l was in your office,
I really wasn't trying to, that was an accident.

Either everyone feels like this a little bit
and they're just not talking about it

or I am completely fucking alone.

Which isn't fucking funny.

Right, well, er...

I should probably, um...

I should probably, um...

I should probably...

People make mistakes.

That's why they put rubbers
on the ends of pencils.

Is that a joke?

I don't know.

I think we should start
your interview again.

Here?

Yeah.

Go on.

OK.

Well, thank you for coming in.

No problem.

I've read through your application form.

Says you run a café for guinea pigs.

SHE LAUGHS

Told you it was funny.

GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS