Five Bedrooms (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Three Dates - full transcript

Previously on 5 Bedrooms.

Jerry, I'm so sorry about the break up.

It wasn't anything to do with me, was it?

No, it wasn't.

Do you want to meet up?

You've just...

It happened.

You've blown up an eight year relationship.

My instinct for the proposal is to go big.

What are we telling Ains?

We'll say that it's a heavy intervention and that we need to take her out and put her in



front of a lot of hot single men.

Isn't it too soon?

I don't think you're in a position to be giving me time limits.

Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?

Yes.

Hello Kevin.

Hello.

Now, how do we feel about bells of Ireland with a sprinkling of Edelweiss?

Apparently I'd reached the stage in my life where basic human functioning earned me congratulations.

56%.

Congratulations.

Passed.

You know, at the end of the day, it's not about the actual score.

That's literally all it's about.



At least you didn't fail.

I am very much on track.

The bar was insultingly low and the tragic truth was I was still managing to limbo under

it.

Seriously?

56%?

I was quite generous actually.

I marked you up a few percent because it'd be better comments in the class.

Thank you.

You know the system inside out.

You're sharp, observant and frankly I was expecting more.

You came into this class with more potential than anyone else.

Every time I say the word potential, you flinch.

Is that involuntary?

Yes it is.

What is that?

Some sort of allergy to praise?

I'm just more comfortable with insults.

Your subpar efforts are an embarrassment to yourself and to your family?

Better.

And I wonder if you don't let yourself get caught up in other people's drama to avoid

facing your own.

Okay, I might just leave it there.

But thank you.

No, no need to thank me.

That's my job.

Ben and I had fallen into a kind of lifeless truce.

It was a version of progress.

Hey, how are you?

They're clean.

I'll just run it again.

You're doing very well.

Sim and I have been chatting about the bridal party.

What?

Are you sure you want all that crap?

Look, I'm not, but Sim's mum is very keen.

She loves the tradition.

Well, if anyone's having visions of Liz and me in matching dresses.

No, I want you to be my matron of honour.

You know I'll be completely shit.

No, you won't.

You'll be grumpy and mediocre and that's enough.

I should also add-

That you've asked Ben to be the best man.

You'll have to work on your speeches together.

Ains is fine.

I'm really proud of the way you're handling everything.

You and Ben, you've both been so mature and respectful.

I still can't look at him or talk to him for more than 10 seconds.

But those seconds are beautiful.

Not only was I not respecting Ben inside the house, I was secretly tracking him every time

he walked out the door.

Nothing sus.

We were all still on the family finder app and Ben hadn't turned off his location.

He wasn't covering much ground.

Just the same circuit over and over.

Home, Bunnings, the pub, Bunnings, Aldi, Bunnings.

It was only a matter of time before he'd venture somewhere else.

Yeah, that and Master Cylon.

Well, you need a bucket?

And I knew in my gut I wouldn't be ready for it.

I just don't understand why they broke up.

Neither do I.

Look, I know you want to be there to support Harry and you want to be there for Gerry as

well, but you really can't be all things to all people.

And I know you want to and that's what I love about you, but you've got to ask yourself,

who's there for you?

Me, Liz.

I am.

No, of course you are.

I know that.

I was wondering if you're perhaps too close to the whole situation.

Maybe I should reach out.

I could be more objective.

You know, I've known Gerry as long as you have.

Oh, not quite.

So, why don't I give her a call and see if I can help?

Please don't.

It might inflame the situation.

I just don't understand.

Well, that's my point.

I guess I'm just missing you, that's all.

What if I just never tell him?

So what?

Just never speak of it again?

Why so?

I mean, telling him will just unleash a world of insecurity and pain.

Why spook the horses?

Are you referring to Stuart as a horse?

I mean, if I had a sneaky thought about a gang bang, I wouldn't tell him that.

Yeah, but this isn't a thought.

You did do this.

But it was nothing and it won't happen again.

Look, I wouldn't describe it as nothing.

It had an impact and I'm pretty sure Gerry would agree with me on that.

Harry would you please tell me what to do to minimise the trauma going forward?

Trauma for who?

Everyone.

Did you feel something when you kissed her?

I think so.

You're not sure?

You were always just soon.

Yeah, right from the moment I kissed a boy for the first time.

It's all still right there.

Every little detail.

His appalling hair, his Hawaiian shirt and just the feeling.

There was no turning back.

I shouldn't even compare.

It's not just a confused privileged white lady who should maybe sit down and shut up.

Well, yes.

It's not your fault, but you are.

You like that prosciutto with the melon?

No, nobody eats that stuff.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh wow.

Thanks.

Thank you for doing this.

Both of you.

Oh, I'm not going to do much.

It means the world to the old girl just to be a part of it.

Oh, I love that she's so invested.

That woman has done stuff for me that I didn't think people could do.

Oh, here she is.

Pammy.

Pam, hello.

Oh, there she is.

Our angel, Snufede, she croaks.

Our needle in the haystack.

Oh, what you got in there, Pammy?

Oh, just a few bits and bobs.

Hi, Pam.

Of course, you're already in our head.

Not as well as I'd like to.

Hello, Heather.

Hey.

I'm so sorry to hear about you and Ben.

I'm so in your corner about this.

I'm still so cross with him.

I take it he's not joining us.

He's coming.

He's just running a bit late.

Yeah, I'll give him a bell and see how far away he is.

You ladies head on in.

Now, I never married myself, but I have been to more Irish weddings than you've had hot

dinner, so I'm at your disposal around the clock, right?

Oh, that's so lovely.

Suffice to say that it's your day.

It's all about you and Kevin.

And we've just got a few family traditions, that's all.

Benny says to say sorry.

He got stuck on site out in Mulgrave, but he's leaving now.

As soon as I heard it, I knew it was bullshit.

A cup or anyone?

Maybe he can just meet us at the first venue.

Oh, is it too early for a cheeky nip?

Even before I saw the proof, I knew.

He'd officially started lying.

Now, Kevin doesn't know this, but I've been ferreting some money away ever since he started

talking about you.

Really?

And as soon as I met you, I went straight down to the bank and I opened an account.

Of course you did.

Because I knew.

Straight away I knew you were the one.

Oh, that's so lovely.

And if it's not enough, I'm very happy to remortgage the house.

Oh my God, no.

I don't think we'll need that much.

We just want something simple.

No, the sky is the limit, whatever you want.

Where is Ben?

I'll try him again.

Oh, don't bother.

He's here.

As soon as he came within two feet of me, I could smell it.

Floral perfume.

I could smell that shit from a mile away.

What the mess?

We were just about to leave.

Oh, yes.

Just the five churches today.

Sorry?

Oh, I thought, weren't we just looking at reception venues?

Oh, no, the really good churches book up really quickly.

Oh, maybe just the three of us should head out for this first expedition.

Perhaps you two could start learning the brush dance.

The what?

Oh, it's just a bit of fun for the bucks and hems.

Oh, I don't know that we even want any of that.

Of course you do.

Sorry, Ains.

I'm bound by Solomon to give this man a buck.

It's the right passage.

I'm sorry.

Oh, fine.

No, don't apologise.

That's absolutely fine.

Shall we head off?

Yes, yes, absolutely.

After you.

No, after you.

No, youth before beauty.

No, ladies first.

How about you just go?

Oh, Mia, you don't want the churches to close.

Great, good idea.

Good point, yeah.

Yep.

Bit waffly, eh?

So I'm thinking of something pretty low-key for the bucks, maybe an overnighter.

Off-road, get the bonfire going, crack out the banjo.

Where were you?

When?

Before you got here.

On-site, in Mulgrave.

Well, the hands are just going to be a few basics, some penis straws, and you weren't

on-site.

You reek of perfume.

What?

All right, well, I wasn't on-site.

I got together with some of the lads to get some inspo for my speech.

Right.

What, did you think I...

We're at the pub.

Berky bought Lees.

They're back together, back in love, and she was all over him and all over the rest of

us, really.

I mean, I got in front of Berky, who's nothing weird.

She's just such a touchy-feely type lady.

I'm not seeing anyone.

I swear to God, I'm not interested in anyone or anything.

Well, maybe you should be.

What?

So what are you saying?

You want me to go out...

Have sex with someone else.

Why would I do that?

Because I'm asking you to.

Well, I don't...

It's just I'm not there.

Well, fucking get there.

Don't mind me.

I left the tart, and I do a little bit of remedial counseling, so off is there.

Say no more.

Heather, can I just steal you for a tip?

What are you doing?

I don't know.

This is too much.

I'm fine.

Heather, you just screamed at him for not having sex.

I'm trying to get him to move on.

He's not the one standing still.

That was harder for me to say than it was for you to hear, but I'm doubling down.

You need to get back on the horse.

Get on the apps.

Get out there.

There's no joy for me out there.

You don't know that.

Yeah, I do.

Sorry, too.

Um, Mum's just gonna get behind the wheel if you don't stop her.

You're wrong.

You are selling yourself short, and I'm gonna prove it.

Hello, Dad.

How are you?

I'm just experiencing some breathing difficulties.

Do you need help?

Yeah, I was just exercising.

Just keeping fit.

How are you?

Well, I just got a text from Stuart.

Saying what?

That he was reaching out to see how I'm traveling?

I haven't responded.

Oh, thank God.

Thank you.

I haven't told him yet.

Are you going to?

I don't know.

That's not really much point, is it?

What if there was?

For me?

I've felt something when we kissed.

I don't expect anything.

I just feel like I have to tell you.

I don't even know why.

I think maybe you do.

Maybe I want to know if you felt something too.

You know I did.

Swear to God I couldn't tell.

Well, now you know.

Now I know.

Do you want to meet up for a...

Yeah.

So, look, bottom line, it's unethical.

You hijacked my profile for a good six months.

It was four months, Troll.

You terrorised me.

I couldn't even log in on my phone.

What are you complaining about?

I got you Xavier.

No, actually, that was Mum's.

See?

That's how desperate you were.

You needed the help.

You're so kind.

This is mercy.

This is mercy too, Hev.

Well, he needed help more because he had such low self-esteem.

So do you.

Yes, but I'm right.

No, you're not.

Here we go.

Okay, fine.

Chuck the lady over 50 out there on the app.

See what sticks.

Here's a hot tip.

Not fucking much.

Okay, I'm thinking we list her at 45 because we can.

I mean, look at her.

I've got 42.

I don't give a shit.

41 it is.

You might as well say I'm a 20-something gymnast.

It's not going to make any difference once I see the photo.

Would you say that in front of Mia?

Yes.

I would also say no matter how you package me, the response will be a deafening silence

which will only make me feel worse.

No, it won't.

I won't let it, Hev.

Okay?

I'll curate your entire experience.

This is what I do professionally.

Are you comparing me to real estate?

Their marketing principles are surprisingly similar.

You need a circuit breaker.

Get Ben to break the circuit.

He will.

Simo's out there setting up his profile right now.

All we need you to do is have a cheeky wine and just pose for some photos.

You are not doing my makeup.

He is not touching my face.

It's pretty dark.

It's a bit of a witness protection vibe, but the bits I can see, you look great.

We're done.

Let's just get one more.

What about under that light?

Okay.

You think from above or whatever, mate?

I never want a shoestring strap in my life.

What's the point?

Just make it strapless.

Okay, just give us a smile.

The more you fight, the longer it'll take.

Look at how dance she is.

Is that it?

In that outfit, yes.

Next.

You look pretty massive from down here.

That's the one.

Oh, yeah, that is a good one.

I was actually thinking about doing one of those master classes online.

Oh, yeah.

Any leave of it?

I'm sorry, but that is pathetic.

Just get out of your head.

If I can get out of this pants.

Well, you can't.

Think sexy thoughts.

Do you want me to yell at you like you yelled at me?

Maybe.

When?

When she was doing my profile.

She hit me with a constant stream of thought bubbles.

Like, hi, I'm Harry and I'm hung like a horse.

Okay, so like, hi, I'm Heather and I like fine wine and long conversations.

Boring, I hate her, also utter bullshit.

Hi, I'm Heather and I'm pretty confident my boobs are in better shape than your balls.

Hi, I'm Heather and I have vaginal dryness, but Kempis Warehouse has lubricant on special

most of the time.

There it is.

That's nice.

So most people go with a quote from their favorite movie in the bio bit.

It gives you top three.

Probably Space Odyssey.

Classic.

Monsters Inc.

Kramer vs. Kramer.

Or Elf.

All right, let's see what Dr. Google's got for Elf.

Good news, I saw a dog today.

Oh, that's not bad, is it?

What if you haven't seen Elf?

Oh, he can hold up either way.

I'm 41.

I have a wicked sense of humor.

The wicked bit sounds pervy.

A very dry sense of humor and lustrous hair.

No.

An energetic, vibrant woman.

So I better turn up expecting vibrant if I get this.

Okay, well, how about I'm a bit of a mixed bag emotionally, but I am incredibly fit and

flexible for my age.

In fact, any age.

Well, at least that's all true.

Look, if I've got any shot at all, it's got to be no frills.

All caps.

Middle aged woman, no opinions, open to anal.

I've already seen her.

No, no.

You're thinking of Ella, similar hair, but this is Meg.

No, hang on, that's Ella, isn't it?

No, mate, this is Meg.

See, Ella, Meg, Ella, Meg.

Oh, mate, I don't know.

No.

Kill me.

No.

Fuck no.

No.

God, no.

No, no.

Okay, what's wrong with him?

His eyes are too close together.

Okay, well, he's handsome.

He's too short.

It's a crime.

He's too short.

He's too short.

He's too short.

He's too short.

He's too short.

He's too short.

He's too short.

He's too short.

He's too short.

Look at the cropped photo of his face.

I'm telling you.

He's under five foot.

Fine.

He's definitely tall.

No, no.

He's too thin.

I'd snap him like a twig.

Okay, give me the phone.

Thank you.

I will commence a four-promise curation.

I will whittle down the masses and present you with a highlights package.

20 bucks.

You won't find one.

Here she is.

She's on her feet.

Good morning.

I want coffee.

Please step this way. One foot, then the other, that's it.

And again, we have news.

You don't.

We do. Sit down, shut up and enjoy.

And before you ask, Ben's not around,

so we can speak freely about a certain Silver Fox.

No wincing. He is a very attractive, educated man.

And he's a nurse.

He is. He's a giver and a carer.

And he would like to have a drink with you tonight.

I'm not available. You've already said yes.

That's how confident we are. Wait till you see him.

Oh, and also, the only other option was a gentleman in his early 70s, so...

Mm.

Ainsley?

Yeah?

He is my fucking lecturer.

Mm. Whoa.

What? And I'm failing his class.

Probably thinks I'm trying to pick myself out for a better grade.

What exactly did you say to him?

He reached out first. He said,

"'Hi there!' exclamation mark, to which I responded with a very casual,

"'Hello, yourself!' no exclamation mark, maintaining the upper hand."

Then what?

Then I said,

"'I'm loving your vinyl vibes,'

because he had a picture of old records in the background."

OK, A, he's clearly a wanker.

And B, you flirted with him.

And it was shit.

It was shit flirting in my name with my lecturer.

I didn't know he was your lecturer.

But he knew, and he floated back.

What did he say?

"'It's a pity that hair doesn't meet hospital hygiene standards

because it is truly glorious.

Who knows how many lives it could have saved?''

That twist at the end is a really nice touch.

Please tell me that was it.

We did return serve one more time with...

Gray's back bar has very low hygiene standards if you want to meet the hair in person.

And he responded immediately and asked for a time.

And did I respond?

You did. You said 8pm.

If he wasn't who he is, would you still find him attractive?

Who are you all dolled up for?

Oh, just a drinks and nibbles thing with another law firm.

God, at some point I am just going to yawn in someone's face.

See ya.

That night, three of us headed out in very different directions.

And I say that with the confidence of someone who literally had eyes on everyone.

But I was only really paying attention to Ben.

You are going to love this family.

So all of these people would be flying over?

Just 8 or 9 from this lot.

That was the happiest day of Darrah's life.

His Ian was 42, she had seven kids.

He'd all but given up hope, you know.

He died four days later.

But, by God, he was alive that day.

Oh, you've had your hair done.

No, I just washed it yesterday.

Good on you for getting out there again.

Oh, it's just dinner with a friend.

Not even a friend. Just a lecturer.

By God, she's a handsome woman.

I thought I was early.

You are.

Well, you were even earlier and you look amazing.

It was weird, I felt it.

But not until it was halfway out and I couldn't cut it off.

That would have been even weirder.

So I had to keep going, but it's over now.

So let's just find a moment of gratitude for that.

I'm on the charades.

No, no, don't stop.

I can still hear you from out here.

Hang on.

No, Kim. Kim, no, hey.

Ainsley's got to hear this.

You're doing an excellent job feigning enjoyment.

It's getting harder.

Hey, Ains, Ains, come in.

Be right there.

Such a good story.

Oh, here she is. Okay. Go on, Kim.

So what are we doing here?

I don't know.

You matter to me.

You matter to me.

And this friendship matters to me.

And I know that when we kissed,

we changed it.

And I'm scared of losing it altogether.

So this is about our friendship?

What if it was more than that?

I don't want to be a phase.

Or a flotation or any other little side story for you.

There's nothing little about the impact you have on me, Gerry.

I'm thinking about you all the time.

I don't know what to do about it.

What do you want to do?

You've reached Gerry Haywood.

Sorry I can't take your call right now.

Please leave a detailed message after the tone

and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

You remember him at Darren's wedding, don't you?

Did you hear? I do.

No message.

I didn't tell him that I was seeing you.

I knew he'd be disapproving and tell me that I was being unfair to you

and to him and to Stuart.

Well, you would have been right.

I just...

I've...

I want to...

I can't even talk about this without hurting the people I love,

so I'm just going to stop trying and I'm going to take myself home.

Sorry.

But you're not hurting me, Liz.

Just...

Just forget about Harry for a second and just tell me the truth.

What do you want to happen right now?

Wow, you look like a different person.

It's the hair. Top's not mine. Don't even like it.

I don't mind it.

OK, let's just get this done.

It wasn't me. You made a date with my housemates.

I'm sorry. They've been running my online bullshit.

I haven't even seen my own profile. They've been driving the whole thing.

We had a lot of back and forth. It was...

Not with me.

OK.

That is fairly cataclysmic.

Um, so this is more of a clarification than a date?

Yep.

Right.

I feel like such an arsehole.

Yeah. Yeah, you could put an arsehole spin on it.

You want to mark me down a bit?

Maybe.

I mean, you get some points for turning up.

You could have cancelled with a text or...

done a no-show.

Can I bribe you with alcohol?

Yes.

Hey.

Hello. Hello.

Ben. Madison?

Yeah.

Sorry I'm late. I was waiting on the wrong bloody corner.

Oh, good. I thought it was me.

No, no, no. It was Matthew.

I've never met anyone on a corner before.

I'm sorry.

I've never met anyone on a corner before.

Most people go for a specific venue.

Oh, sorry. It's the first time on the apps.

It's a rookie era, straight off the bat, innit?

But anyway, I'm here to learn, so...

assume I know nothing and, um, walk me through it, step by step.

I've only got until 8.30.

You... until 8.30?

I have another date. I could push him till, like, 40, but...

Oh, come on.

Let's just see how we go.

All right. All right. Let's go.

Yeah.

No, as teenagers, they were turds. They were...

But now they're 20 and 18, so...

So you've given up.

I was gonna say I'm no longer legally responsible for them,

but I've also given up.

I can say you haven't given up.

Oh, trust me, I have.

Yeah, no, I don't think you have.

Um...

Um, what did I just say?

What I didn't say was...

My ex-boyfriend is 200 metres away and closing in.

God, sorry.

Why? What have you done?

Um, nothing.

Have you stopped breathing?

Ah.

Were you... on the run?

Well...

That would be less humiliating, no.

I just thought my ex was about to walk into this bar.

Are you tracking him on your phone?

Well, he consented to it.

I mean, we all did. It's just a safety thing.

He's also one of my housemates,

and, you know, we all got on the Family Finder app.

Right.

Look, I knew that we were both out on dates,

and I didn't want there to be any crossover.

How long ago did you break up?

Months ago.

Do you find the tracking helpful?

Not at all, no.

I'm definitely gonna delete the app.

Probably tonight.

But right before you do that, you're gonna go straight from here

and spy on his date.

Yeah, I'm not proud of it.

Is that something you need to do on your own?

Why?

You wanna come.

Am I invited?

I reckon it's here.

It's saying 15 metres.

Well, we could get a couple of beers

and just wait for them to come out.

Or we could go somewhere else and have another drink.

Well, if I was more evolved, maybe.

There he is.

The big fella in the blue shirt is blonde.

Of course she's blonde.

They look good together.

So it's poor form to follow up in the first 24 hours.

You don't wanna look desperate.

She should be writing this down, shouldn't she?

Another no-no?

Don't check the time.

Or just don't be that obvious.

No, I was actually just thinking about you and this next fella.

Oh, aren't you sweet?

You've been awesome.

I just...

So that's it?

What happens now?

I'm just gonna leave.

Well, thank you for everything.

And, yeah, I hope this next fella's a cracker.

I've had a lot of fun, Ben.

Yeah, so have I.

I swear to God, I have.

Why are you laughing?

OK, I've seen enough.

Look, I might just call it a night.

Yeah, of course.

You know, you're actually quite good company.

Oh, gee, thanks.

You're a bit hit and miss.

How'd you get here?

Uber.

Do you want to lift home?

Sure.

Right, Ace, any parting shots of wisdom for me?

Just get to know the system and focus on your categories.

What are they again?

Friend, quick fling, long-term prospect, casual sex, whatever.

See, I'm fresh out of a relationship,

so I'm probably not much of a long-term prospect.

You've got quite a wounded vibe.

Oh, sorry.

But if it's just rebound sex, I could do 10, 10.30.

Cheers.

Thank you. That's a thought, isn't it?

I have...

I'm being honest with you.

I just actually think I'm still in love with my ex.

Cool. So, one last thing.

Maybe don't agree to a date until you're ready.

Yeah, yeah.

Next time.

Oh.

Thanks for a fun night.

What was your favourite bit?

Either finding out that your housemates

were driving our conversation or stalking your ex.

I think the stalking was better.

I do too.

You want to look at that right now, don't you?

I think you want to look at it. Maybe I do.

Imagine if he's just around the corner.

I'm sorry.

There's 40 minutes away.

Hey, do you want to come in for one more?

Are you sure?

Um...

OK, this is going to sound really bad,

but I need you to go round the back.

Follow the fence to the back door and meet me there.

OK. Because we're going there together.

I already said yes.

I'm not sure.

No, I'm not fond of it either.

Be thou my vision, on the other hand...

Oh, oh! How'd it go?

You're home early. Come in, sit down and join us.

Yeah, it is early. I just wanted to come home.

I just realised I was really tired.

Was he any fun at all?

Don't talk about it. Oh, no, don't have to.

All right, any more questions? OK, night, everyone.

You are enough, Heather. So are you, Pammy.

I haven't hidden from another human since I was 13.

Grab the glasses. OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK, OK.

Sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

So who's the Irish music fan?

OK, two of the other people who live here are getting married.

The Irish music fan is the new mother-in-law.

And she's just visiting.

Thank Christ.

Here, I'll get it.

Oh, Jesus.

Well, this is weird, isn't it?

This is very, very weird.

I shouldn't have asked you, Andy. You probably didn't even want to...

I said yes pretty quickly.

Who asks a grown man to sneak in through a black...

I've got to go.

OK, bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Which firm was it again?

Oh, it's Langi and Ethridge.

Hmm. So, it was a decent offer.

It was complicated.

And, er, at times, compelling,

and at times, confusing.

Goodnight.

Ah.

I'm not blowing the time pressure.

Oh, you can if you want.

No, that's... it's pretty standard.

Ha-ha-ha.

Well, I respect the efficiency.

Oh, well, might even have time to go again.

Ha-ha.

He's 300 metres away.

How the fuck?

Well, fuck.

Well...

What do you want me to do?

I'm sorry, I'm just not really feeling it.

Oh, no, dear, no, you don't have to apologise.

Look, this is your big day.

I just want you to be happy, that's all.

What if... what if we just play...

Here Comes the Bride on the Pikes?

Does it have to be the pipes?

Ah, how's your nightmare?

Uh, yeah, it was alright. It was a bit weird.

Betty, sit down. I want you to listen to this.

I cry every single time.

Every single time. She really does.

Does that look high to you?

What, seriously?

OK, look, here's the plan.

I'm gonna go downstairs, I'm gonna create a diversion.

When the noise gets loud enough, you bolt, yeah?

Yeah, is there a world where we just proudly walk downstairs, no explanation?

For fuck's sake!

I'm sorry. I'm not sorry.

I cannot listen to another bagpipe.

Can you please just call it a night and pick it up another time?

OK, we don't have to decide on anything in the middle.

Yeah, and at least we've got the wedding bells sorted.

Have we?

Oh, yes, with the procession to the church.

It's like a walk through history.

Pam...

I don't want to get married in a church.

It would really just mean a lot to me if we could get married here, at home.

At home.

And...

I'm not sure that we're on the same page with numbers, either.

I just want something simple and small.

And I'm not sure that I want bagpipes outside of the ceremony.

So sorry.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's...

It's absolutely fine.

Is that a bloke in our yard?

What bloke?

I could have sworn I...

I can't see anyone, mate.

I've had a few.

Oh, no, no, no, come on, mate, you're not driving.

No, no, no, no, no, I've been eating all day, it's fine. It's all so...

It's not a chat. You stay.

Can we please stay?

For me.

Oh.

Anything for you, Louise, Nahid, look, Mar.

Come on, Mar, it's been a big day. Let's just...

Good night.

Yeah.

You?

Oh, yeah, about the same.

It's a lot more bloody complicated than it used to be, eh?

Yeah, it's utter bullshit.

How are you? I should let you...

Night.

Yeah, night.

See you tomorrow.

Next time on Five Bedrooms.

Look, I've organised three hands nights

and all three of those brides have come over from Tasmania

and I'm sure they won't be judging.

Oh, no, they'll be judging.

They will.

Yeah.

Cash is money.

Good news, mate.

Simo's just decided to kick off the bucks earlier though, so...

Come.

Do you need my help with something?

Really, it's just transport and catering

and music and activities and booze.

Hey, mate, Ben.

Ah, best man.

I'm Ed. I'm Heather's lecturer.

Ed.

Hey.

Dad, come in.

Yes.

I know.

How long have they been seeing each other?

No more than a couple of weeks.

A couple of weeks?