Father Ted (1995–1998): Season 1, Episode 2 - Entertaining Father Stone - full transcript

Ted, if you had three wishes,
what would they be?

Three wishes? I don't know, really.

I suppose
the first one'd be world peace,

and then maybe an end to hunger

and, er...

(Disco music)

..more money for hospitals
and that type of thing.

Fair enough, Ted.

And what would your three wishes be?

Oh, no, I'm happy enough, really.

- You wouldn't want anything?
- No, I don't think so.



I can't think of anything, anyway.

You wouldn't, say, want a big car
to drive around in?

Oh-ho, wow!

That'd be fantastic!

Driving around in a big car -
that'd be brilliant!

(Panting)

What would be your second wish?

Oh, that'd be fine.
The car'd be fine.

You wouldn't like to be a rock star
or something, like Elvis?

Oh-ho, God, yeah!

I'd love to be a rock star
like Elvis or something!

That'd be brilliant!

So, uh, your third wish,
if you had one?

Oh, no, that'd be fine.



If I had a big car
and I was Elvis that'd be grand.

You wouldn't like, say, um...

this cup?

Oh, God, yeah!

I'd love that cup!

If I had that cup and I was Elvis
in a big car, that'd be fantastic!

You've never had
much imagination, have you?

You're right there, Ted.

(Helicopter)

(Crash)

(Clock ticking)

No, I'm fine.

Right.

Uh...would you like me
to turn on the television?

No, thanks. I'm fine.

Right.

Have you seen Father Shortall
at all recently?

No.

What would he be?
Would he be 80 now?

Suppose so.

Dougal, you wanted a word? Fair
enough. Won't be a moment, Father.

What's up, Ted? Who's that?

- I had to get out of there.
- Who is it, Ted?

- Now, Dougal, don't overreact.
- Fair enough.

Right...

It's Father Stone.

- Dougal, get up.
- Oh, Ted, no, not him.

- It's him, all right.
- God Almighty!

Why didn't you tell him not to come?
You promised after the last time!

It's like talking to a wall
with a moustache.

Oh, God, I hate it!
Those awful protracted silences.

Why didn't you lie to him?!

I did!
I told him great big massive lies

with feckin' bells hanging off them!

It's like asking the Holy Mother

to stop appearing
to schoolgirls at Ballnspittal.

Oh, God.

- Keep me company.
- No!

- Dougal!
- No!

(Ted chuckling)

Back again!

Oh, sorry! You remember Dougal??

Ah, yes.

Yes, you've been coming...
how many years?

- A few, anyway.
- Six!

Six years.

Every summer.

So...what time
are you going back tomorrow?

I might stay.

What?

- I say, I might stay.
- How long?

I don't know. A few weeks, maybe.

A few weeks?

Sorry about that, Ted. Fell over.

Tea, Fathers.
Anyone for a nice cup of...?

Oh, no, it's Father Stone.

Do you not have to get back
to your parish?

No. Not for a while, anyway.

(Chuckles nervously)

Right, it's just that
there's a problem in that...

Dougal and I were going
to do something. W-what was it?

- The thing there.
- Yes, what was the thing?

- Yes!
- What was it?

- Er, the thing, er...
- Big thing, it was.

- Oh, er...
- Oh, er...

Er... Holidays! (Laughs )

We're going on holidays.

That's fine. I'll mind the place.

Wait! It wasn't holidays, it was
something else we were doing...

that means no one
can stay in the house...

What was it? What was it?

Um... We...we...were going to...

- Dougal??
- Have the paintings re-hung!

Oh, brilliant!
Brilliant memory there.

Have you noticed?
They're all crooked.

- What type of an angle is that?
- It's a mad angle.

You can't stay here.

See? You couldn't be here when
people are shifting paintings around.

So, where will you go?

- Hotel, probably.
- That's fine. I'll go with you.

Sorry, Paul, I just have
to sort something out with Dougal.

God... God, think, Dougal, think!

(Gasping and panting)

All right, I'll do the thinking.

Ted...Jack!

Oh, God.

If he sees him...

Christ Almighty,
I'll have to break it to him gently.

- Look, you take Paul out and I'll...
- You're not leaving me with him.

- Dougal!
- No, Ted, sorry about that.

- I just can't. There's no way!
- Are YOU going to tell Jack?

I'll get me coat.

Paul, Dougal's going for a walk.
Would you like to join him?

- No, I'm fine.
- Are you sure? It's lovely.

No, thanks, no. I'm fine.

Dougal wants to show you something.

- It's very important.
- Is it?

Yes, very important. Maybe the most
important thing you'll ever see.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

- Right.
- So you'll go?

No, I'm fine, thanks.
I'll see it again sometime.

Well, to be honest,
it's not Dougal, it's that...

there's a fire in the house,
you have to leave.

- A fire?
- Yes.

I didn't want to panic you.
It's small, but it could spread.

If you died,
I'd never forgive myself.

You go with Dougal,
I'll fight the blaze.

- Right so.
- You're going?

- Well, yeah, if there's a fire.
- Great!

Don't worry about me,
drop of water'll do the trick.

So, have you seen
Father Shortall lately?

No.

I, uh...I suppose
he must be about 80 now?

I suppose so.

Father...

Father, are you awake?

Father...

Father, we have a visitor.

So, how's everything, then?

All right.

(Jack) Feck off!

Bit of a back draught. Nearly out.

Jack gone to bed, then, Ted?

Yes, he was a little tired.

(Muffled yells)

Right. Well, I suppose my bath
will be ready by now.

(Sighing) Oh, God.

Can I help you, Paul??

No, fine.

I'm, um...having a bath.

It's just that
I wanted to go to the toilet.

Oh. Right, well, go ahead.

(Farts )

(Clock ticking)

Ah, time for bed!

It's only half-seven!

Yes, but I have to be up
at 11 in the morning.

Dougal, you'd better
get some rest, too.

I can't take much more of this, Ted.

I know, I know.

Six years. You'd think that by now
he'd have got the message.

Do you remember that time
we pretended to be in Rome?

Ha. God, yeah, that was amazing.

Anyone else would go "fair enough"
and just not turn up.

But five days in the attic!

No food, no water.

Rats everywhere...
If only we'd thought of it this year.

How did you meet him
in the first place?

We were introduced
by Father Jim Doogan at a conference.

Doogan came up and said,
"This is Father Stone,"

and ran out of the building.

Just ran straight out
of the building.

So we start to talking.

Well, I start to talking,
you know the way he is.

To break the silence, I invited him
to stay. For something to say.

The next day - the next day! -
he arrived on the island.

God, if he'd only say something.

But he just sits there.
What does he get out of it?

I hope he's gone
before your birthday party, anyway.

Ohh. He'll be long gone by then.

What is it? Three weeks away?

Good God, look at the time.
I'd better be going, Ted.

- Oh.
- Anyone need a lift?

(Ted) Dougal...

(Jack muttering)

(Sobbing) Please, God, please!
Please get rid of him.

I don't care how you do it,
just please get rid of him.

Do you want money? Anything you want!

Name any charity.
But please get rid of him! (Sobbing)

Maybe we should go home, Ted.

Think about who's sitting
in the living room.

Oh, yeah.
It's clearing up now, anyway.

(Thunder)

- Windmill thing's blown over there.
- Never mind, just have your go.

- Golf, yeah?
- Oh, God. Ah, yeah.

Crazy golf, Paul,
not exactly the US Masters.

- No.
- Will you have a go, Paul??

- Oh, no.
- It's great fun, isn't it, Dougal??

- Fantastic!
- Have a go.

- No, no.
- It's easy now the windmill's gone.

Here. Give it a go,
what's the worse thing can happen?

Oh, God, Dougal. It's all my fault.

Don't be silly, Ted.

So what did you do,
pray for him to be hit by lightning?

No, of course not. I...

I asked Him to intervene in some way,
but this is a bit much.

What are you thinking of?

Who'd have thought being hit by
lightning would land you in hospital??

What? What?

Of course it can land you
in hospital!

Well, it's not usually serious,
is it, Ted?

I was hit by lightning a few times,
I never had to go to hospital.

Yes, Dougal, but you're different
from most people.

All that happened to you
was balloons kept sticking to you.

God, I hate hospitals.

Ever notice it's usually
sick people in hospitals?

Ah, yeah. Of course,
you're a goner when you walk in.

I'll take my chances
in the real world.

I'd never go under the hammer.

Under the knife, Dougal.
Under the hammer is auctioneering.

Oh, right, yeah.

Remember that film where your
man's head is transplanted onto a fly

and the fly's head
is transplanted onto the man?

- Oh, yes. What was that called?
- Out of Africa, I think.

You know,
your man has the head of a fly

and he's chasing his wife
all over the place,

she's trying to hide the jam
so as he won't get stuck in it...

- I have to stop you there.
- Yes, Ted?

No reason, I just have to stop you.

There's today's emergency.

What is it today, Doctor?

We don't know. I think it's
a combination of Babycham and Harpic.

Probably all that was left
after the party.

Father Stone's been in a long time.
Do you think he's dead?

- Probably doing tests.
- What sort? General knowledge?

No.

Won't get much from him
in that condition.

No. No, medical tests!

So what would he know
about that, Ted?

(Jack screaming)

There he goes.
He can move when he wants to.

Stupid bastard!
You've really done it this time!

You started it, you slag!

The next time, I finish the job. I...

Ah, Fathers.

Hello, John. Hello, Mary.

Ah, hello. Well, uh...
What are you doing here, Father?

Um...a friend of ours
had an accident.

- Oh!
- What happened? That looks nasty.

I'm sure it's nothing, Father.
It's just a...headache.

I don't know why I bothered coming.

Is that blood?

Oh, God, no, no!

I don't think so, uh...

I just got a slight nick with a knife
when Mary was putting the bandage on.

- It's, uh...it's not a stab wound.
- Sure, he's fine.

You've been
in the wars yourself, Mary.

It's only a sprain, Father,
it's nothing!

I was lifting a bag of coal.
It's not broken.

If it is, sure, what the hell??!

Well, I hope your friend gets better.

(Mary ) Next time
I'll freaking make sure...

Shut up, you bitch!

They're a lovely couple,
John and Mary.

Ah, they are all right.

Ooh!

How much longer
are they going to be in there?

Ted, we hardly even know him.
Does he have much of a family?

Yes, his parents are alive.

And...he has a brother, I think.
A doctor in America.

A doctor, wow.

Hard to believe.
But that used to be quite common.

The favourite son
would become a doctor.

The idiot brother'd be
sent off to the priesthood.

- Your brother's a doctor, isn't he?
- Yes.

- Ah! Doctor, how's the patient?
- Hanging in there. Mostly shock.

- That's not serious.
- It's quite serious.

- Lightning can do a lot of damage.
- Can it?

Yes. His reactions are very poor
at the moment.

He's always had very poor reactions.
That's normal.

Actually, he's not reacting at all
to any stimulus.

Again, I wouldn't worry.
That's always the way.

Look, Father, I'm a doctor,

and I know it's not normal
to fail to react to stimulus.

I'm sure it is. Look, look at this.

You see? It's a priest thing.

We have our minds
on more spiritual matters.

So I wouldn't worry about it.

Well, no,
I think I WILL worry about it.

Oh, God, OK.

Can we see him?
I'd like to say a prayer.

Yes, all right, Father. This way.

As you can see, we still haven't been
able to remove the golf club.

Why isn't he in bed?

It's hard to get him comfortable
when he's in that stance.

But you're right.
He's been on his feet long enough.

He looks like a trophy.

He does, a bit.

Sorry, I only just heard.

Paul! Oh!

Come on, Mrs Stone,
we've got to get him into bed.

Father, would you?

- You must be Father Crilly.
- Yes, I am.

Oh, God bless you, Father,
God bless you.

- Ahem.
- This is my husband, Dermot.

Oh, God, it's terrible, Father,
it's terrible!

God forgive me
for using the Lord's name in vain,

but Jesus Christ, isn't it terrible?

- It is.
- Oh, it is, Father.

It's terrible, terrible. I couldn't
have said it better meself.

Terrible is the word. Terrible!

I tell you,
terrible's too small a word.

Oh, God, Father, it is,
it's too small a word.

Look what you're doing to
your mother, you lazy bastard!

You're useless! Get up!

- Mr Stone...
- I'm sorry, him causing you trouble.

God forgive me for saying this,

but it'd have been better
if he'd been killed.

And herself all upset.

Jesus, what you must think of him.

And us, for bringing him
into the world.

- Mr Stone...
- I'm for a drink, will you join me?

No, I'll stay here for the moment.

I'm off, then. See you later, right.

- And this is Mummy.
- Hello.

I know what you're up to!

God. You know, Father,
Paul thinks the world of you.

Oh, indeed he does.
He never stops talking about you.

Father Ted says this,
Father Ted says that...

- He worships you, Father.
- Really?

He leaves Craggy Island counting
the days till he can go back again.

Literally! Look!

He has a chart.

And he crosses off the days
as they pass by.

And right down
at the bottom of the chart,

a photograph of yourself.

Oh, God.

And he does paintings as well.

He did this one for you.

- (Beeping)
- Oh, Lord. Oh, God!

- What is it?
- It's his heart!

Do something!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, Dougal, Dou... Dou...

(Beeping stops )

- Dougal!
- Mrs Stone, come with me.

- I need you to fill out some forms.
- Will he be OK?

We're doing all we can,
but he is quite ill.

- Just hope for the best.
- All right, Doctor.

Come on, Mummy.

The old woman knows
it's all my fault.

How would she know that?

They have ways. Old women are
closer to God than we'll ever be.

They don't need the operator any
more, they've got the direct line.

She knows, all right.

Who could blame her for being angry?
It's my fault!

Why did I do it? Oh, God!

Please!

Bring him back.
I never meant you to take him away.

There was no need for the lightning.

You know I didn't mean that.
That was just silly.

Please, God.
Bring him back and I swear...

We'll look after him.
He can stay as long as he wants!

- Now, Ted...
- Shut up, Dougal!

Please! I swear, I'll look after him
for the rest of my days.

Please just do this one thing.

Ah, come on. Please!
Please, I swear...

(Fanfare )

Paul! You're back!
Oh, Lord, it's a miracle!

Doctor!

Paul, can I get you anything at all??

No, I'm fine.

(Clock ticking)