Father Ted (1995–1998): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Passion of Saint Tibulus - full transcript

(Helicopter)

(Crash)

Looks like rain, Ted.

Come on, Dougal. It's your go.

I must say, Father Hernandez,
it's been wonderful having you over.

But I expect you're homesick
for Cuba.

(Speaking Spanish)

(Translator) 'Yes, my country
is very beautiful.'

(Speaking Spanish)

'But Ted, you have a great life
here on Craggy Island.

'You have two good friends.



'Father Dougal...

'And, of course, Father Jack.'

Yes, but I must say,
I miss the noise and the lights

and the whole buzz of the big city.

'You were in Wexford, weren't you?'

I was, yes.
But Craggy Island has its charms.

The west part of the island was
beautiful. Until it drifted off.

'Drifted off?'

Yes, there was a storm
and it just came loose.

Now we don't have a west side,
just north, south and east.

But it was lovely.

'You know, Ted...

'Your housekeeper is a...
very beautiful woman.

'Sometimes this celibacy
is hard for a man.



'Heh, heh, heh.'

Yes, well, you have to take
the rough with the smooth, I suppose.

- Bishop Brennan springs to mind.
- 'Oh, yes?'

Yes, Bishop Len Brennan.
He's our kind of boss.

Apparently, he was, uh...

at the old...

himself.

The union was blessed, so they say.

'No.'

A son. He lives in America.
Or so goes the rumour.

Was it Colonel Mustard in the kitchen
with...the candlestick?

What?

Colonel Mustard in the kitchen
with the candlestick.

You have Colonel Mustard.
You showed me earlier.

How could it be him if you have him?

Oh, right.

Father Hernandez, your go.

'Yes. I think it was...

'The Reverend Green...

'with the knife...
in the drawing room.'

(Chuckling) Those Protestants.
Up to no good as usual.

What's Father Jack looking at?
What's that you're watching?

- What?
- Is that a film?

- What?
- Isn't that Kiefer Sutherland?

- What?
- Is that Flatliners you're watching?

What?

'Is Father Jack
a little hard of hearing?'

What?

Yes, he gets a kind of waxy build-up
in his ears.

Then we have to syringe them.
It's not very nice.

It's great,
because we're never short of candles.

(Jack) What?

All that was in his head last week.

And there's a few more over there.

We've nearly enough
for a papal funeral.

He's a one-man candle factory.
Aren't you, Father Jack?

What?

To be honest, he can hear well enough
when he wants to.

Watch this.

Father Jack,
would you like a glass of brandy?

Yes.

Oh, you see, he's a terrible man.

Brandy! Brandy!

All right, all right. Now, say when.

- What?
- Say when.

- What?
- Tell me when to stop pouring.

Oh, right, you want any more?

- Yes. Yes, yes.
- (Phone )

Hello! Craggy Island parochial house,
Father Ted Crilly speaking.

Hello, Bishop Brennan. How are you?

Yes. No. Ah, right. Good, yes.
All right, of course, yes. Goodbye.

The boss is coming over. He wants
to talk to us about something.

Come on. This is the longest
game of Cluedo I've ever played.

How long are we at it now?
Five hours?

Should there not be some cards
in here or something?

Dougal.

Ted.

'Again, I have no words to say
how thankful I am.'

That's a bit ungrateful, Ted.

Don't you worry, Father Hernandez.

'However, I do have some gifts
from the people of my village.

'Please, do not laugh at this simple
example of Cuban handicraft.'

It's a video recorder!

'Yes, I'm sorry.
It's a very basic model.

'It has only a three-week
pre-record facility.'

Don't worry about that. It's great!

Thanks very much. It's wonderful.

'And for you, Ted,
I have something...very special.'

Oh.

You really shouldn't have.

You really shouldn't have.

'It is a Cuban fertility symbol.

'I hope it brings you
as much luck as it brought me.

'Yes? Eh? Eh, my friend?

'Well...'

Adios, Ted!

(Booming dance music from car)

Come on, Dougal,
the Bishop will be here soon.

- Do you remember what I told you?
- Huh?

It's very simple. Don't mention
what we talked about last night.

Oh, right, yeah.

What were we talking about
last night, Ted?

You know,
about the Bishop's little mistake.

Oh, right, yeah.

What mistake was that, now, Ted?

- His son. His son in America.
- Oh, yes.

He has a son? In America?

- Yes, well, so they say.
- Right. That's news to me, Ted.

We were talking about it last night,
Dougal. To Father Hernandez.

Who?

Oh, right, the Cuban lad. Yeah.
He gave us a video.

- The Bishop, remember?
- Right, OK.

Just forget all about it.
Just do not mention the son.

- Have you got that?
- I have, Ted.

The lights are on,
but there's nobody home.

Father Crilly, Bishop Brennan's here.

Hell's bells! Right, show him in.

Not a word about the son.

Hello, Bishop, how are you?
Come on in, sit down.

Sit down there, Your Grace,
beside Father Dougal.

Mrs Doyle? Some tea, please.

Oh, certainly, Father Crilly.

How's the son?

- What?!
- The Son of God!

How's everything
in the world of religion?

The world of religion? What the hell
are you talking about?

Well, you know. Mrs Doyle, that tea?

Here I am. Here I am.

Oh, isn't this grand?

I'm fine, thank you, Mrs Doyle.

Will you not have a cup of tea,
Bishop Brennan?

No, I want to get right to the point
and get the hell out of here.

- Sure you won't have a cup?
- I'm certain.

- Go on, have a cup.
- No, thank you.

Everybody else is having a cup.

- I do not have time. Now...
- You'll feel left out.

You'll be Bishop Piggy-in-the-Middle.

I am fine!

- Are you sure? Just a drop.
- No!

# Bishop Piggy-in-the-Middle! #

Just say yes, Your Grace.
It's quicker.

- All right, then, yes.
- Ah, grand. So, now.

I hope you're not doing
too much damage here.

Jack? Are you behaving yourself?

- Feck off.
- What did you say?

Your Grace, what brings you here?
Sending us back to our parishes?

Fat chance. You're here
until I tell you otherwise.

Do you think I'd let Jack
back into a normal parish

after the wedding he did in Athalong?

- Yes, but surely I'm all right.
- No, no, no.

You are here until all of that money
is accounted for.

- I don't know what happened to it!
- Enough!

You went to Las Vegas,

whilst that poor child
was supposed to be in Lourdes.

And as for this...cabbage!

The mere idea of letting him back
into the real world

after the black rock incident.

- Yes, that was unfortunate.
- Lives irreparably damaged!

They were only nuns.

Nuns are people, too.

My God, the strings I pulled
to not involve the Vatican.

I do not want to talk about it!

I just want this film business
over with.

Film? What film?

This blasphemous film,
The Passion of Saint Tibulus.

Now, His Holiness has banned it.

But a loophole means the bloody
thing's showing in this dump.

Oh, yes.
Is it any good, do you know?

I don't care if it's any good or not.

All I know is we have to be seen
to be making a stand against it.

I have been brought back from my
holiday in California to sort it out.

And that's where you
and Larry and Moe come in.

What do you mean?

Well, I know that you couldn't
organise a nun shoot in a nunnery.

But despite that, it's up to you
to make the Church's position clear.

Make a protest at the cinema!
Even you can manage that.

Well, thanks very much.

Listen, this is very serious.
Don't make a balls of it.

I'll be in touch.

Your Grace.
This isn't really my area.

Nothing is your area, Crilly.
You do not have an area.

Unless it's a kind of a play area,
with sandcastles, buckets and spades!

Now, do what you're told, right?

Bye, now!

Look at this. This is silly.
There's nobody here!

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a treat in store today
for all ye fans of French cinema.

- Is it subtitled?
- Pardon?

Is it subtitled or is it dubbed?

It's subtitled.

Ah, Jesus.

Shall we start the protesting now?

Yes, I suppose so.

Or maybe we should
see a bit of the film first.

No, let's just get it over with.

Maybe it's not too bad, Ted.
It could be another Commitments.

It doesn't matter, good or bad. It's
the morality we don't agree with.

Right, let's go.

Boo! Boo!

- (Barks )
- Ooh, you bad pup!

Who is that?

- Dirty, filthy beggar.
- Boo.

- Look, you...
- Boo.

Father Ted, Father Dougal!
'Tis yourselves!

Hello, Michael.

- How are you?
- Oh, I'm grand.

How's Father Jack? We haven't seen
him since the Sharon Stone season.

He's grand. A bit tired,
so he won't be along today.

Oh, you're making a fierce racket.

It's a long story.

We have the Bishop over,
you know, Len Brennan.

Oh, that gobshite.

Yes, he's gone mad over the film.

He told us
to kick up a bit of a fuss.

Oh, right. Only one thing, though.

You're sort of, uh...
disrupting the show.

We're not, are we?
Awfully sorry, Michael.

Oh, no. No trouble at all.
But if you could keep it down.

I mean,
we have to think of other people.

- No problem.
- Count on us.

Michael, Michael. Um...

I don't suppose you...
You could throw us out?

- Just for the television.
- No problem.

Do you want to go now?

Actually, we might as well stay
and see the film first.

So I'll...throw ye out
after the film.

Grand, grand.

And we're still OK
for the, um...half price?

No problem. Enjoy the film.

- Boo!
- Now, you!

What was all that about?

You're asking the wrong person
there, Ted.

I couldn't make head nor tail of it.

I know for a fact Saint Tibulus
wore more clothes than that.

He was from Norway or somewhere.
He'd have frozen to death!

And when Saint Tibulus tried to take
that banana off the other lad?

That wasn't a banana, Dougal.

Anyway, let's get some sleep.

(Dougal) Give us a B, please, Bob...
Beethoven.

Give us a C, please, Bob...
Carnivorous.

- F, please, Bob.
- Oh, God.

Not Blockbusters again!

(Dougal) Fettucine.

(Birds chirping)

6am. Great!
Another eight hours' sleep.

You awake, Ted?

- Huh?
- This is fantastic, isn't it?

- Another great lie-in for the lads.
- It is.

Do you know what would be terrible?

If Bishop Brennan told us to
go to the cinema and protest again.

(Thunderclap )

This is ridiculous.

The flipping place doesn't open
for another seven hours.

Now, didn't the Bishop want us
to chain ourselves to the railings?

How are we supposed to do that?

O'Learys might have something.

Right, you go get something.

I'll guard a closed cinema against
anyone wanting to watch a film

that doesn't start for seven hours.

Jack! What the hell are you up to?
Why aren't you at the film?

Feck off!

What? What did you say?

Listen, did you see my bag anywhere,
my travelling bag, hm?

Well, if you do see it,
would you give it back to me?

It's got my bloody passport in it,
and uh...

everything.

Right.

(Mumbling)

( # Hallelujah Chorus )

Are you gonna stand there all day,
you fat old bitch?

Don't talk to me like that,
you big pile of shite.

You ignorant prick!

- You watch your mouth!
- I'll watch nothing!

I'll stick this up your ass!

Ah, Father Dougal.

Hello, you two.

- Father, how's tricks?
- We haven't seen you in a while.

We were just making tea.
Will you have a drop?

No, thanks, Mrs O'Leary, I'm fine.

Well, what can we do you for, Father?

Well, I was looking for
a pair of handcuffs.

A pair of handcuffs?
What do you need them for?

Nothing much.
They're for me and Ted.

You and Father Ted?

Yeah.
We're just trying something out.

Well, actually, funny enough,
we do have a pair.

Sergeant Thornton left them
when he retired.

Retired from what?

From the police.

The police?
Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?

Um...he was, yes.

Why do you think he wore the uniform?

I thought he was just
having a laugh.

Anyway, here's the handcuffs.

OK, thanks, great, great. Bye, now!

Bye, Father!

- Down with this sort of thing!
- Careful, now.

- Down with this sort of thing!
- Hello, Father Crilly.

- Hello, Jim.
- Hello.

I seen your picture in the paper.

- What?
- Here, have a look!

(Ted) Look at you!

So it's a blasphemous film, is it?

- Oh, it is.
- What type of thing is it?

- Mad stuff.
- Very immoral. You wouldn't like it.

Is it a type of nudie thing, Father?

You wouldn't believe
the amount of nudity in it.

Do you see the lot, do you,
or is it just the top half you see?

- Nothing is left to the imagination.
- Right.

- Well, I'll be off.
- Goodbye, Jim!

- Hello, Fathers.
- Hello Mrs Sheridan, Mrs Glynn.

The Passion of Saint Tibulus,
what's that?

- We always go on Tuesdays.

Oh, we saw a great one.

- The Crying Game.
- It was brilliant!

There was this great bit.

There was this girl,
then you find out it's really a man!

- They got his lad out.
- What?

You only see it for a second
but you get the message.

I didn't know what it was,
it's so long since I've seen one.

It was like your Billy's!

Not at all.
Billy's is rounder at the top.

Cheerio, Fathers.

Should we be stopping them going in?

Just goes to show,
nobody heeds what the Church says.

- Hello, Pat.
- Father Crilly. Hello.

How's your wife? I hear she's unwell.

She's dead, Father.

That's terrible. When did she...?

- Ah, just a couple of hours ago.
- Really?

Yes.

Anyway, that's just the way it is.

- What's the film like, Father?
- What?

Is it any good?
I was reading about it in the paper.

You shouldn't think about the film
if your wife just died.

I might wander in.

I'll contact you
about the funeral details later.

Good Fathers, I must say,
this is extraordinary.

Our most successful film
since Jurassic Park!

It's breaking records, due to all
this publicity over your protest.

We didn't plan it that way.

Oh, my God. Look who it is!

Thank God, a bit of support.
Fair play to you for turning...

Come on, Father. I'll get you a seat
right at the front!

Right, Dougal. I've had enough.
We're leaving.

Give me the keys.

Keys?

What's this, then, Your Grace?

Why am I looking at
a globe of the world?

Well, how can I explain?

Firstly, a resum?
of the last few days.

Now, I don't know if you remember,
but I came in here

with the idea of you making
a dignified protest about this film.

- Do you remember that?
- Yes, yes.

Just to show the Church's opposition
to the film.

But - and this is the part that
I find most interesting -

you've actually made this film the
most successful film ever shown here.

- Isn't that great?
- Um...

I mean, people are coming from all
over the country to see the film!

They're even coming from Gdansk
to see the film.

And look at this! Look!

There's you, there's Forrest Gump,

and there's Father Jack
actually watching the film!

Now, there's a turn-up
for the books, what?

(Laughing) Right! Now...

I think it's best for ye three
to continue your careers

as priests-cum-film promoters
outside of my jurisdiction.

Huh? Now, Ted...

I thought that you
might like to go to America, hmm?

What part, do you think?

Well, um...Las Vegas?

Oh, I'm sorry, Ted.
I meant South America.

There's a lovely little island
off the coast of Surinam and...

(Laughing)

They have a couple of tribes there,
you're going to love this.

And they have been knocking the shit
out of each other since 1907.

And we've never found the right man

to bring them together
in the spirit of Christian harmony.

But I think that you are the man.

- Well, thanks...
- No need to thank me.

By the way,
do you know how to make arrows?

- No.
- Not to worry. It'll come to you.

Now, Dougal, over to you.

Isn't it funny how some of these
places in the Philippines

can keep going
without a proper sewerage system?

- Hmm?
- You're right, Your Honour.

Now, Jack, where can we send you?

Huh? Jack, wake up.

- Bishop, I wouldn't do that.
- You shut up. Jack! Wake up!

Feck off!

I've got you now, Jack! I've got you!

Oh, my God. If you think this is bad,
wait till you see your new parish!

Just wait until you see!

Well, that's it, then.

I suppose...
I suppose all we can do now is pack.

Ted, I don't want to go
to the Philippines.

I can't even spell the Philippines.

I know it begins with an "F" but...

I know. If only we could persuade
the Bishop to change his mind.

If only we had something
we could bargain with. I don't know.

(Ted) What's that?
Did you get a film?

The last thing I want to watch
is a film.

'Shut that thing off.'

# Here I come #

Well. That was great, wasn't it?

You're right there, Ted.

Should we phone him now
or will we watch it again?

I think we'll watch it again.