Father Ted (1995–1998): Season 1, Episode 1 - Good Luck, Father Ted - full transcript

(Helicopter)

(Crash)

Right. That's Tuesday dealt with.

Let's look at Wednesday now.

Uh... Half-seven Mass.

I can take that.

And, uh...maybe...

Could you take
the eight o'clock at all??

Right, I can take that as well.

Now, um...
the half-six evening Mass on Sunday.

Evening Mass?



Too early.

No problem, I can take that as well,
I'll just make a note.

- Morning, Ted.
- Morning, Dougal.

Uh, Dougal?? There's, uh...

There's some shaving cream
just there.

No, there's not, Ted. You're grand.

- No, on you.
- Oh, where, exactly?

- Just there, below your ear.
- Here?

Yes, and there's a bit more...

- Gone?
- No, there's still just a...

It's all over the place.

Oh, God. How on earth
did all that get there?

I didn't even shave this morning.

So, what are we doing today, Ted?



Confessions and things like that?

Yes, Dougal, things like that.

It's great being a priest,
isn't it, Ted?

God, it's lovely out.

Oh, wait till I tell you, Ted!

Funland's coming to Craggy Island
on Saturday.

Oh, yes, the fairground thing.

I wouldn't have much interest
in that type of thing myself.

They've got a spider baby.

- A what?
- A spider baby.

A freak show thing.

It's got the body of a spider
but it's actually a baby.

Oh.

How is it a baby?
Does it have a nappy on or something?

No.

Does it have the head of a baby?

Um...

No.

Well, if it looks like a spider
and it doesn't gurgle or anything,

how do you know it's a baby?

They keep it in a pram.

Dougal,
are you absolutely sure about this?

You're not confusing it
with a dream or anything?

No, honestly, I saw it on the news.
Honestly! Oh... Oh, wait now.

Actually, now that you say it,
it was a dream, yeah.

Have you been studying this
like I told you?

Oh, I have, Ted.

Sorry. But we should go anyway, Ted,
it'll be great!

Last year I did horse riding
and it was just fantastic.

I didn't know you rode horses.

Well, it wasn't a real horse,
Ted, like...

It was this old fellow
with a saddle on him.

God, he must've been about 80.

Of course, he couldn't go very fast.

I was kind of lashing him
with the whip and all...

Couldn't get much of a response.

And how long were you up on him?

Oh, I'd say it was about, uh...

about an hour?

So you were up on
an 80-year-old man,

riding him around and whipping him
for 60 minutes?

You realise that image will
stay with me for the rest of my life?

I know, Ted. It's great, isn't it?
Come on, we should go.

No, I don't think I could
take the excitement, to be honest.

Suppose I'll just see if there's
anything on the TV.

- 'What type of a jumper is that?'
- 'Well, basically...'

Ahh!

(Sizzling)

Maybe I'll just go and study
the old diagram.

(Phone )

Hello? Father Ted Crilly speaking.

Hello, Father. Sorry to disturb you.
My name is Terry MacNamee.

I'm producing Faith of Our Fathers
for Telly Eireann.

We're talking to priests
who work in isolated communities.

Would you be interested?

Well, that's very, um...
That's very exciting.

Faith of Our Fathers
is my favourite programme.

Well, you were the first person
we thought of.

If you are interested,
I could come over.

We'd give you a small fee.

- Who's that, Ted?
- Uh, no one.

- No one?
- 'Hello, Father Crilly?'

- No.
- Must be someone, Ted.

Just a moment.

Sorry.

How exactly do you get to
Craggy Island?

It doesn't seem to be on any maps.

No, it wouldn't be on any maps, now.
We're not exactly New York.

The best way is
from Galway, go slightly north

till you see the English boats
with the nuclear symbol.

They go very close to the island
dumping the old glow-in-the-dark.

Are there any other priests living
with you? We don't list anyone else.

Um...well, uh...

No, there's no one else here.

I'll see you on Saturday.
I'll call when I get there.

Bye.

(Burps )

The ants are back, Ted.

Never turn on the TV when Father
Jack's asleep. You know how he is!

But he's always asleep.

Anyone who's served the Church
as long as he has deserves a rest.

(Snoring)

It's an honour for us
to look after him in his old age.

(Muttering)

Look at him,
dreaming of past glories, no doubt.

(Angelic choir)

Girls, pay attention.

We've got a special treat today.

Father Hackett has volunteered to
take you all for volleyball practice.

Right, Father.

He's just reminded me
it's very warm,

so no need for your tracksuit tops.

(Angelic choir)

Hello!

Father Dougal McGuire here.

And welcome to this week's
Top of the Pops.

In at number 45 this week

is Father Ted Crilly
with I've Got the Power.

And at number 15 for the 16th week
in a row is Father Jack Hackett,

with I'm a Sleepy Priest.

How did that gobshite
get on the television?!

Hello to you all.

Ah, is the television
broken again, Father?

- Yes, we...
- There's nothing wrong with it

that can't be fixed with a bit of
you know what in the head department.

Now, then, who's for tea?

- Me, please, Mrs Doyle.
- Tea? Feck!

- I'm fine, Mrs Doyle.
- You won't have a cup?

No thanks, Mrs Doyle.
I won't have a cup.

- You sure? It's hot.
- No, I'm not in the mood.

All right, so...
Aw, would you not have a drop?

- No, thanks.
- Just a little cup.

- I'm fine!
- I tell you what, Father...

- Seriously!
- I'll pour a cup anyway.

And you can have it if you want.
Now...

And what do you say to a cup?

Feck off, cup!

- He loves his cup of tea.
- Feck off!

There you go.

Feck off!

Father Crilly, I nearly forgot.

- Earlier, a Terry MacNamee called.
- Oh, right.

- Who's that?
- Never heard of him.

Something to do with the television?

He's coming to fix it.

- He'll be here tomorrow at 12.
- Grand.

Yeah, it's good you
called someone, Ted.

It's still not working.

# You're simply the best

# Doo doo doo doo

# Better than all the rest,
doo doo doo doo #

Ahem.

You frightened the life out of me.

You're doing the old pop star thing.

I was, Ted, yeah.

It was great being on TV today.
I've caught the telly bug.

Well...

Get to bed now and get some sleep,
you don't want to get over-tired.

Did you ever want
to get into television?

Ah, no, I... I wouldn't be interested
in that kind of thing, really.

Right. You wouldn't be
much good at it, actually.

What? Why not?

Well, you're a bit serious.
And your eyes are a bit crossed.

They're a bit wonky.
The cameras notice.

I am not cross-eyed, Dougal.

Ah, you're a bit, now, Ted.

Half the time I don't know if
you're talking to me or Father Jack.

Dougal, why don't you just...
get some sleep.

Right. Just have to say
the old prayers.

Our Father, who art in heaven...

(Ted) Hallowed.

Hallowed be thy...

(Ted) Name.

Ah, Papa don't preach...

Dougal, you know you can praise God
with sleep.

Can you, Ted?

Yes, it's a way of thanking him
for a tiring day.

God. There's lots of ways
to praise God, isn't there, Ted?

Like that time you told me to praise
him by just leaving the room.

That was a good one, yes.

- Ted...
- Mmm?

- Ted?
- Yes?

(Dougal) Knock knock.

- Who's there?
- Father Dougal McGuire.

Good night, Dougal.

(Ted, quietly) I can hear you
a bit better now, shh, yeah.

You made it, then?

I think so. There's no indication
it is Craggy Island.

There's no signs or anything.

Is there a man looking at you with
a T-shirt saying "I Shot JR"?

Actually, there is.

Ah, you're here, so, yeah.

What? The line is bad,
you're a bit muffled.

I'm on a portable phone,
you caught me by surprise.

I'm on the toilet.

Right. So, er...
So where can we meet?

Anywhere we can get a few good shots?
Any local landmarks?

- No.
- What?

There are no landmarks here now.

None at all??

No, the island itself is a kind
of landmark. For ships and that.

Head away from it and
you're going in the right direction.

- So, uh...
- There's the field.

Oh, a field. Well, that sounds...

It's not a field, really, but it has
less rocks than most places.

Never mind. I'll meet you
at the field. How do I get there?

Ask Tom there. He'll help you out.

Right, Father. Thanks.

Bird!

(Dougal) Ooooo.

Holy Mary Mother of God!

God, Ted, I'm so sorry.
It was just a joke.

Tr...try to avoid doing that again,
Dougal.

I thought it was really...Herself.

- That's the last thing I need.
- You're right there, Ted.

Anyway, it's time for Jack's walk.
Time for your walk, Father Jack!

(Mumbling)

Off around the cliffs.

Can I bring him to Funland, Ted?
He'd love that.

No, he wouldn't.
Take him around the cliffs.

This time, near the edge,
put on the brakes.

He was lucky the last time.

Right, Ted.
Um, you're not coming yourself?

Ah, no, I think I'll stay here
and pray for a while.

Oh, ho, what are you after, Ted?

I'm not after anything, Dougal.

It's not unknown for members of
the clergy to pray from time to time.

Here we are, Father Crilly.

Get away!

There's nothing Father Hackett
likes more than some fresh air!

- Come on.
- Oh, yeah.

That's it.

- Yeah, yeah, no...
- Ahh!

(Shouting gibberish)

Come on, Father.

(Confused shouting)

Oh, now, come on, Father Hackett.

That's it, now, in you go.
Isn't that better?

- Good man.
- This'll keep you nice and warm.

(Mrs Doyle ) Are you all right? Ooh.

(Mumbling)

Bye, then!
Every single day the same thing.

Once he's out, he has a great time.
He loves them old cliffs.

- I'll be off. What are you up to?
- I'll just have a bit of a pray.

All right.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

(PA) 'Patrons are reminded
that parking is unavailable.

'A reminder of the unavailability
of parking facilities.'

I didn't know
this bloody thing was on here.

Hello, Father.

Hello, Tom. Telly Eireann
lads get here all right?

They've gone to film
a bit of the island first.

- They'll be back soon.
- I'll wait in the field.

- Father!
- Yes, Tom?

I've killed a man.

Did you? We'll talk later, I'm doing
an interview for television.

(PA) 'A little boy has been lost.
Thank you.'

Keep your hands on the sides!

(PA) 'The child has now been found,
thank you.'

You fat, smelly cow!

Take this. You have a face
like a pair of tits.

Well, at least that's one pair
between us!

- Hello, Mary.
- Ah, hello, Father.

- Hello, John.
- Pack of Toffos, Father?

No, thanks. I have to meet someone.
I'm to be interviewed for television.

- Oh.
- Really? That's fantastic.

You know, Father, I think you'd be
brilliant on television.

Well, thank you.

You'll be more than a match for Gay
Byrne or Terry Wogan or any of them.

It'll take weeks
to get to their level.

But I have to go find this film unit.

They probably want to do a few
close-ups and master shots and that.

Don't want to be late and get a
reputation as a Marilyn Monroe type.

- See you soon.
- Good luck, Father Ted.

- Get them fecking Crunchies out.
- Feck off.

(Guitar strumming)

(Banjo repeats guitar phrase )

(Banjo imitates guitar)

(Duelling Banjos theme )

Ted! Ted! Over here, Ted!
Come here and look at me!

Hey, Ted! What are you doing here?

I thought you weren't interested
in this type of thing.

You're supposed to be taking Jack
for his walk.

Well, um...
The cliffs were closed for the day.

How could cliffs be closed, Dougal??

OK, no. It wasn't that.

- They were gone.
- Ah.

The cliffs were gone?
How could they just disappear?

Erosion.

Come off and to the cliffs with you!

There's just another
couple of turns to go.

Woooo!

(PA) 'Patrons are reminded to keep
their hands visible at all times

'when not availing
on the funfair rides.'

Go straight home, do you hear?
No more nonsense!

Everyone else is here.

Dougal, you're a priest,
show some decorum.

- Wish I wasn't a priest.
- What?

- I wish I wasn't a priest.
- Jack heard you say that!

He told me he doesn't believe in God.

Dougal!

Ted! Can I have a go on
the Crane of Death, Ted?

- The what?
- The Crane of Death.

There was a young fellow
killed on it last year.

Look. I'm sick and tired of your...

Ted, a fortune teller!
We'll have one go.

- Don't waste your money.
- There might be something in it.

It's rubbish.
How could anybody believe it?

It's no more peculiar than
that stuff in seminary,

heaven and hell
and everlasting life and that.

You're not meant
to take it seriously.

You are so too
meant to take it seriously!

- Are you?
- Yes!

- Heaven, hell and everlasting life?
- Of course!

Look, Dougal, if I let you go in,
will you go home after?

- I will, I promise, Ted.
- All right.

- (Tarot reader) Hello.
- Let's go, Ted.

- What's wrong?
- I'm scared.

I'll do it and you can watch.

- Hello there!
- Sit!

- First, cross my palm with silver.
- Silver?

- I don't carry bags of it around.
- Give me a pound.

Now, I'll interpret
one card at a time, please.

Be careful.

(Spooky music)

Um...I wasn't concentrating.
Perhaps I could pick another?

No, this is
a common misunderstanding.

The Grim Reaper doesn't mean death
in a literal sense.

Rather, it may mean
the death of an old way of life

and the beginning of a new one!

I know what that is.

It's probably about
a new bicycle lamp.

Another card, please.

(Spooky music)

Is that good?

Well, ah... It will all become clear
at the next card.

(Gong)

This is really weird. There's only
supposed to be one in each pack.

Hello, Tom.
Is Father Crilly around yet?

He is, yeah. He's in there.

That's a nasty scar you've got, Tom.
Where did you get that?

I was, uh...in an argument.

- Oh, I hope you won.
- I certainly did.

That's nothing.
I've had worse than that.

Can you believe me own Dad
did that to me?

It looks like a face!

(PA) 'Siobhan
to the refreshment tent.'

Where's Father Jack?
It's nearly five, time for his drink.

- You go that way, I'll go this way.
- OK.

(PA) 'Siobhan, please report
to reheat the hamburgers.'

Come, now, Father,
we'd better be off. Come on.

Father! Father!
There you are, Father.

We got here at last.

Father, Father. Dead to the world.

You don't know what's going on.

Gin! Vodka!

It's time for your drink, come on!

Ahhh!

Are you lads from...
from the television?

- Well, yes.
- Oh, yes.

- We'll just ask a few questions.
- Am I gonna be on the telly?

Well, yes. We'll start
with a history of the island,

then move on to how life has changed
for the islanders...

(Terry ) Father, how would you say
religious beliefs on the island

have been affected by TV
and greater access to the media?

God, no, they're talking to Dougal.

- Think, Ted.
- Drink! Drink!

(Ted screams )

(Angelic choir)

There I am! It's me, look!
I'm on the telly!

'So, God, does he really exist?
I mean, who knows?

'I don't know. Personally, I don't
even believe in organised religion.'

(Ted groans )

I know, it's great, isn't it?

'A spider baby.

'It's got the body of a spider
but the mind of a baby and...'

(Groaning)

'It wouldn't really bite you,
unless it got a bit older.'

(Groaning)

I can't believe it either,
I'm on the television!

That gobshite again!
Is he never off the air!

(PA) 'A child has been, eh,
lodged in the Tunnel of Goats.

'If we could have a nurse, please,
to the Tunnel of Goats, thank you.

'A goat and a child
have now become lodged together, eh,

'and a nurse has become involved
in the...in the incident.

'Another nurse is required to release
the nurse we asked for previously.

'Thank you.'