Father Knows Best (1954–1960): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Old Days - full transcript

[theme music]

♪ ♪

Narrator: ROBERT YOUNG...

♪ ♪

AND JANE WYATT...

- [laughter]

- WITH ELINOR DONAHUE,
BILLY GRAY, AND LAUREN CHAPIN

IN FATHER KNOWS BEST.

[romantic music]

♪ ♪

- GOODBYE, HONEY.
I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.



- GOODBYE, DEAR.
HAVE A GOOD DAY.

- UH-HMM.

- JIM?
- YES, DEAR.

- DON'T FORGET OUR COSTUMES
FOR THE PARTY TONIGHT.

- I WON'T, I'LL STOP
AT THE COSTUME SHOP

ON MY WAY TO THE OFFICE.

- AND, UH, PICK OUT SOMETHING
INTERESTING, WON'T YOU?

- I'LL DO MY BEST.
[chuckles]

- JIM?
- OH, ALMOST GOT AWAY THAT TIME.

- REMEMBER WHAT SIZE I WEAR?
- SIZE 10.

THOUGHT YOU HAD ME
TRAPPED, DIDN'T YOU?

- JUST CHECKING.
- [chuckles]

- JIM?
- WHAT IS IT, DEAR?

- YOU FORGOT
SOMETHING ELSE, TOO.



- I JUST WANTED TO BE REMINDED.

[canned laughter]

[engine rumbling]

- BOY, DAD SURE COULD USE
A COMPLETE OVERHAUL JOB.

- OH, I DON'T KNOW. I REALLY
LIKE HIM THE WAY HE IS.

[canned laughter]

- OH, MOM, YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEANT.

- I KNOW.

I ALSO KNOW IF YOU DON'T HURRY,

YOU'LL BE LATE FOR
TRACK PRACTICE.

- OKAY. I'LL BE HOME FOR LUNCH.

- I'M ON MY WAY, MOTHER.

I'VE TO GO TO THE SCHOOL

TO HELP WITH THE
DECORATIONS FOR TONIGHT.

- YOU LOOK MORE LIKE YOU'RE
GOING TO THE FINALS OF RODEO.

- MOTHER, I'VE TRIED TO
EXPLAIN IT TO YOU BEFORE.

IT'S SATURDAY, AND ON SATURDAY,
ALL THE GIRLS DRESS THIS WAY.

- WHEN YOU WERE
16, I DIDN'T MIND.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE A YOUNG LADY NOW.

ALL RIGHT, GO UPSTAIRS
AND CHANGE INTO A DRESS.

- LOOK, MOTHER, IF YOU
INSIST, I'LL GO CHANGE.

BUT IF I SHOW UP
TODAY WEARING A DRESS,

I'LL BE THE LAUGHING
STOCK OF MY WHOLE CLASS.

- WHY?

- BECAUSE I'LL BE THE ONLY
GIRL WHO LOOKS LIKE A GIRL.

[canned laughter]

- [sighs]

WELL, IT'S GONNA
TAKE ME A LITTLE WHILE

TO PICK UP AN
ARGUMENT AT THAT ONE.

GO ON.

♪ ♪

[comical music]

♪ ♪

- HELLO, GEORGE.

[canned laughter]

♪ ♪

WELL, NAPOLEON, HOW
ARE THINGS IN WATERLOO?

- NOT SO GOOD, MR. ANDERSON.

THE ENEMY IS CLOSING IN.

- OH.
[laughing]

HELLO, MR. MADDUX.

- HELLO, MR. ANDERSON.
- I WAS JUST...

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

EVERYONE DOES THE SAME THING.

PEOPLE JUST WANT TO
BE ON SPEAKING TERMS

WITH NAPOLEON, I GUESS.

- HE DOES LOOK PRETTY REAL.

- A SPIRIT LIKE NAPOLEON
NEVER DIES, YOU KNOW.

NOW, UH, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

- WELL, MRS. ANDERSON AND I

ARE GOING TO PTA
COSTUME PARTY TONIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU, UH,
SUGGEST WE WEAR?

- UH, THAT DEPENDS.

WHO DO YOU FEEL LIKE BEING?

THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW.

- OH, UH, CAPTAIN KID.

- UH... YOU'RE NOT
THE CAPTAIN KID TYPE.

- I'M NOT?

- HE WAS A TRAITOR, YOU
KNOW. I'VE GOT HIM PUT AWAY.

I DON'T LIKE TO
RENT HIM OUT MUCH.

AH, HERE YOU ARE.

ROBERT BROWNING.

HE WAS A GREAT POET
AND A GOOD HUSBAND.

YOUR WIFE CAN PLAY ELIZABETH.

- WELL, NOW.

- "THE YEAR'S AT THE SPRING,
AND DAY'S AT THE MORN;

MORNING'S AT SEVEN; THE
HILLSIDE'S DEW-PEARLED"

- "THE LARK'S ON THE WING;
THE SNAIL'S ON THE THORN;

"GOD'S IN HIS HEAVEN,

- ALL'S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD."
- ALL'S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD."

YOU DO VERY WELL.

I'M SURE MR. BROWNING
WOULD BE VERY PLEASED.

[canned laughter]

UH, LET ME SEE NOW.

WAIST, UM... [phone rings]

[canned laughter]

MADDUX COSTUME SHOP.

YES.

YES, HE IS. HE'S RIGHT HERE.

- FOR YOU.
- HUH?

- IT'S ELIZABETH.

- OH.

HELLO, ELIZABETH,
THIS IS ROBERT.

- WHO?

[chuckles] OH, JIM.

WELL, I THINK THAT
WOULD BE VERY NICE,

EXCEPT THAT I HAVE ANOTHER IDEA.

UH-HUH.

I WAS LOOKING THROUGH
SOME OLD TRUNKS IN THE ATTIC,

AND I FOUND EXACTLY WHAT
WE OUGHT TO WEAR TONIGHT.

I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT LATER.

- OH, WHATEVER YOU SAY, HONEY,

BUT I'D HATE TO DISAPPOINT
ROBERT BROWNING AND MR. MADDUX.

[chuckles]

ALL RIGHT, DEAR. GOODBYE.

- MRS. ANDERSON
HAD OTHER IDEAS, HUH?

- THAT'S RIGHT, I'M SORRY.

- UH, DON'T WORRY.

I DON'T REALLY LIKE TO PART
WITH ANY OF MY COSTUMES ANYWAY.

THEY'RE MY SYMBOL
OF THE GRACEFUL DAYS.

I LOVE EVERYTHING THAT'S OLD.

OLD FRIENDS, OLD MANORS,
OLD BOOKS, AND OLD WINES.

- SAY, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
WHO SAID THAT?

- WHY, I DID, JUST NOW.

[comical music]

♪ ♪

- MOMMY.

- YES, DEAR?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- OH, LOOKING AT
MY WEDDING DRESS.

- OH, YOU'RE GONNA GET MARRIED?

[canned laughter]
- NO, ANGEL, NOT AGAIN.

THIS DRESS BELONGED
TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

SHE WAS MARRIED IN IT, I
WAS MARRIED IN IT, TOO.

- DO I HAVE TO BE
MARRIED IN IT, TOO?

- WELL, NOT FOR A
LITTLE WHILE ANYWAY.

- WELL, I'M SURE GONNA LOOK
FUNNY PLAYING BASEBALL IN THAT.

- WELL, I HOPE BY THE
TIME YOU GET MARRIED

YOU WILL HAVE OUTGROWN BASEBALL.

- LOOK AT THIS FUNNY HAT.

- OH, KATHY,

UM, I THOUGHT YOU WANT TO
GO AND PLAY WITH PATTY DAVIS?

- I DID, BUT THIS IS
MORE INTERESTING.

OH, WHAT'S THIS?

- OH, THIS IS A CORSAGE
THAT YOUR FATHER GAVE ME

THE DAY WE WERE MARRIED.

- OOH, I HOPE IT
SMELLED BETTER THEN.

[canned laughter]
- OF COURSE, IT DID.

AFTER ALL, ANGEL, FLOWERS
CAN'T LAST FOREVER.

- I'M SURE GLAD YOU LASTED
BETTER THAN THAT CORSAGE.

- [chuckles] SO AM I.

- OH, CAN I HAVE THIS?

- OH, KATHY.

- I KNOW, YOU WANNA
GET RID OF ME, HUH?

- HM, TEMPORARILY, HUH.

- OKAY.

- UH, UM.

- UM.

[footsteps]
- HEY, MOM.

WHAT YOU'RE DOING UP HERE?

- OH, TRYING TO GET
SOME COSTUMES TOGETHER

FOR THE PARTY TONIGHT.

- HAS DAD GOT ANY
OLD SUITS OF ARMOR?

- YES, BUD, THEY'RE
AT THE CLEANERS.

- I WAS JUST KIDDING, MOM.

- WELL, I'M NEVER QUITE SURE.

- BUD, FOR GOODNESS
SAKES, PULL UP YOUR LEVI'S.

- WHAT FOR?

- WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE
ME FOR BEING LOGICAL.

SO THEY WON'T FALL
OFF. [canned laughter]

- IT WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE WORN THIS WAY.

- WHY?

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
ALL THE GUYS DO IT.

YOU DON'T WANT ME
TO BE A SQUARE, DO YA?

- WELL, HEAVEN FORBID, SON.

I DO WANT YOU TO BE FULLY
DRESSED, SO PULL 'EM UP.

- LOOK, MOM, THERE
ARE 76 GUYS IN MY CLASS,

AND ALL 76 GUYS WEAR
THEIR LEVI'S JUST LIKE THIS.

NOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO
BE? A TROUBLEMAKER? A RADICAL?

WANT ME TO BE THE KIND OF GUY

THAT CAN'T GET ALONG
WITH THE OTHERS?

I CAN SEE IT NOW.

I COME TO SCHOOL ONE MORNING

WITH MY LEVI'S PULLED
WAY UP TO HERE,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?

- YES, I'D FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT.

- MOM, YOU CAN'T FIGHT PROGRESS.

- BUD ANDERSON, I DON'T CARE...
- MARGARET!

- I'LL TELL DAD YOU'RE UP HERE.
- BUD.

[sighs]

- HI, DAD.
- HELLO, SON.

- WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER?
- UP IN THE ATTIC, SEE YA.

- WAIT A MINUTE.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- YOU KNOW, BUD,

I HAD THE STRANGEST
DREAM THE OTHER NIGHT.

- YEAH?

- IT WAS ABOUT YOU.

- OH, REALLY?

- THERE WERE MILLIONS
OF BEAUTIFUL GIRLS

AND THEY WERE CHASING YOU.

- HONEST?

- YOU STARTED TO RUN
AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?

- THEY CAUGHT ME.

- EASY.

YOUR LEVI'S DROPPED
ONE INCH TO YOUR ANKLES,

AND YOU COULDN'T
MOVE, YOU WERE TRAPPED.

- WHY CAN'T I EVER
HAVE DREAMS LIKE THAT?

- BUD, HAVE YOU ANY IDEA

WHAT WOULD MAKE ME
DREAM ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

- OH, MUST HAVE BEEN
SOMETHING YOU ATE, DAD.

[canned laughter]

- IT WASN'T SOMETHING I ATE...
- OH, JIM!

- IT WAS... JUST A
MINUTE, MARGARET.

- I GOTTA BE GOING, DAD, SEE YA.

- WAIT A MINUTE!
- SO LONG, DAD.

[canned laughter]

[hurried footsteps]
- [sighs]

[grunts]

[footsteps approaching]

- HI, HONEY.

- OH, HELLO, DEAR.

PULL UP A BOX. [canned laughter]

- WHO'S BUD IN MOURNING FOR?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- HE'S WEARING HIS
PANTS AT HALF-MAST.

- OH. THAT'S THE
LATEST FAD AT SCHOOL.

- WELL, I THINK IT'S
RIDICULOUS. I DON'T LIKE IT.

- JIM, WHAT DO YOU
WANT YOUR SON TO BE?

A SQUARE? A
TROUBLEMAKER? A RADICAL?

YOU DON'T KNOW ALL THE
STOCK ANSWERS BY NOW, DEAR.

IF IT'S BETTY, IT'S "GEE,
MOTHER, ALL THE GIRLS

WEAR THEIR JEANS WITH THEIR
SHIRTS OUT ON SATURDAYS."

IF IT'S BUD, IT'S, "GOSH,
MOM, ALL THE GUYS DO IT."

- I GUESS YOU'RE
RIGHT, MARGARET.

IT SEEMS TO ME, A
LINE SHOULD BE DRAWN

BETWEEN WHAT'S
RIDICULOUS AND WHAT'S A FAD.

- WELL, THERE SHOULD
BE, BUT THERE ISN'T.

YOU KNOW, WHEN BUD
STARTED WEARING HIS LEVI'S

AROUND HIS HIPS,
I WAS PERPLEXED,

BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO
APPEAR OLD-FASHIONED,

SO I DIDN'T QUESTION HIM.

BUT WHEN HE WEARS
THEM AROUND HIS KNEES,

I THINK IT'S TIME WE
TOOK A FIRM STAND.

- WELL, I WISH YOU LUCK.

[clears throat]

- MY OLD HAT.

- TRY IT ON.

[canned laughter]

- STILL FIT?

- YOUR HEAD SIZE
HASN'T CHANGED ANY.

[laughter]

- HEY, MY OLD SUIT.

OH, DID I CUT A FIGURE IN THIS.

- DO YOU THINK YOU
COULD STILL GET INTO IT

FOR TONIGHT'S PARTY?

- NATURALLY, MARGARET.

I STILL HAVE THE SAME SLIM,
SVELTE FIGURE I'VE ALWAYS HAD.

- WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO HAVE TO GET INTO THAT.

- WELL, IF I CAN'T, I CAN WEAR
'EM LOW THE WAY BUD DOES.

- OH, JIM, REMEMBER THIS HAT?

[canned laughter]

- DO I.

I REMEMBER GETTING UP ENOUGH
COURAGE TO KISS YOU GOODNIGHT.

AND THEN I COULDN'T FIND YOU.

- [laughs]

- WHERE'S MY RACCOON COAT?

- OH, I LOANED IT TO THE
CITY MUSEUM LAST WEEK.

- THE MUSEUM?

- OH, MRS. ALLEN ASKED
IF I MIND TO LET 'EM USE IT

FOR A DISPLAY.

THEY WERE HAVING
SOME SORT OF EXHIBITION

SHOWING THE DIFFERENT
STYLES OF CLOTHES

THAT'S SHOWN THROUGH THE YEARS.

- MY RACCOON COAT?

- OH, DON'T WORRY. THEY'RE
SENDING IT BACK FOR TONIGHT.

- WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO.

WHAT'S THIS?

- OOH, THIS, MY
DEAR, WAS OUR SONG.

[clicks]

[rustles]

[classical music]

♪ ♪

- UH, IT TAKES ME BACK.

- HMM, I KNOW.

- [chuckles]

- JIM... REMEMBER THIS?

- ONE OF AUNT
MARTA'S FRUITCAKES.

[canned laughter]

- THIS WAS THE CORSAGE YOU
GAVE ME THE DAY WE WERE MARRIED.

[canned laughter]
- OH.

- AND I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT
WONDERFUL DAY AS LONG AS I LIVE.

- OH, WHAT DO YOU DO?

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO
SCARED BEFORE OR SINCE.

[canned laughter]

- THE CHURCH WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.

THE MUSIC WAS SO INSPIRING.

ALL OUR FRIENDS WERE THERE.

DEAR, REMEMBER WHAT THE
MINISTER SAID WHEN IT WAS ALL OVER?

- UH-HUH.

HE SAID, "THAT'LL
BE $10, PLEASE."

[canned laughter]

- IS THAT ALL YOU REMEMBER
ABOUT OUR WEDDING DAY?

- [laughs]

NO, I REMEMBER
STANDING BY THE ALTAR,

WATCHING YOU COME DOWN
THE AISLE ON YOUR FATHER'S ARM.

MY KNEES WERE SHAKING AND
MY HEART WAS DOING NIP-UPS.

AND I REMEMBER THINKING,

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE MORE
BEAUTIFUL IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

THAT'S THE PICTURE I'LL
NEVER FORGET AS LONG AS I LIVE.

YOU COMING DOWN THE
AISLE TO ME, TO BE MY WIFE.

- OH, JIM, I...

- AND I JUST REMEMBERED
SOMETHING ELSE.

- WHAT IS IT, DEAR?

- I'M HUNGRY.
[canned laughter]

- [sighs]

YOU'RE NOT AS
SENTIMENTAL AS I THOUGHT.

- OH, YES, I AM.

BUT I'M MUCH MORE
SENTIMENTAL ON A FULL STOMACH.

- WELL, WE'RE HAVING WIENERS
AND SAUERKRAUT FOR DINNER.

TRY GETTING SENTIMENTAL ON THAT.

- [laughter]

[canned laughter]

[clicks]

- DINNER'S READY, DEAR.

[footsteps approaching]

- WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?

- OH, I SENT BETTY UP
TO CHANGE HER CLOTHES.

SHE'S BEGINNING TO LOOK MORE
LIKE ROY ROGERS EVERYDAY.

[canned laughter]

- I'M HERE, DADDY!

- KATHLEEN ANDERSON.

- WHAT IS THIS, AN
EPIDEMIC OF LOW LEVI'S?

- WELL, OLD BUD WEARS
HIS PANTS THIS WAY.

- NO REASON WHY YOU SHOULD.
- OH.

- CAN'T YOU KEEP
QUITE, SMALL FRY?

- BUD, I TOLD YOU TO PULL
THOSE LEVI'S UP, NOT DOWN.

[canned laughter]

- SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE
NOW, BLABBERMOUTH?

YOU'VE CAUSED DISSECTION
IN OUR FAMILY GROUP.

- AH, TURN BLUE.

- LOOK, MOM, YOU GOTTA
CHOOSE BETWEEN US.

THIS HOUSE ISN'T BIG
ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF US.

- THEN MOVE OUT!

- KATHY.

- BUD?

- OKAY.

I KNOW WHEN I'M OUTNUMBERED.

MY DIGESTIVE TRACT WILL
PROBABLY GET CUT OFF.

- YOU'LL LIVE.

- I WON'T BE ABLE TO SWALLOW

WITH MY BELT
PULLED UP THIS TIGHT.

- YOU CAN MANAGE.

- NO KIDDING, DAD,
IS MY FACE RED?

- IT WILL BE IF YOU
EVER DROP THOSE LEVI'S.

- I THINK MY ESOPHAGUS
IS ALL CHOKED UP.

MY LUNGS ARE COLLAPSING.

I GOT A GREAT
PAIN LIKE MY CHEST.

- BUD.

- I GOT SPOTS IN FRONT
OF MY EYES TOO, DAD.

- BUD!

- YES, SIR?

- YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO DIE.

I GIVE UP.

- THANKS, DAD.

- [sighs]

- WELL, DO I PASS
INSPECTION NOW?

- WELL, NOW, WHO IS THIS
ATTRACTIVE YOUNG LADY?

- I DON'T RECOGNIZE HER.

- THE FACE IS FAMILIAR.

- I THINK SHE'S A FRIEND OF
THAT FUNNY-LOOKING TOMBOY

WHO USED TO EAT WITH US.

- I SPEND ALL
AFTERNOON AT SCHOOL

HELPING DECORATE THE
AUDITORIUM FOR YOUR PARTY TONIGHT,

AND WHAT DO I GET?

INSULTS.

NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I'M GIVING UP
A PERFECTLY GOOD DATE TONIGHT

JUST TO OFFER MY
SERVICES AT THE PARTY, TOO.

- KITTEN, DO YOU KNOW WHO
THIS LOVELY YOUNG LADY IS?

- YOU KNOW WHO SHE IS, DADDY.

THAT'S MY SISTER.

[canned laughter]

- SO, SHE IS. HELLO, PRINCESS.

- HONESTLY, FATHER.
- [laughs]

- WHAT ARE YOU AND DADDY
GONNA WEAR TONIGHT, MOMMY?

- CLOTHES, DOPE, WHAT ELSE?

- I MEAN, COSTUMES.

- WELL, WE THOUGHT
WE'D SURPRISED YOU.

YOU'LL SEE US BEFORE WE LEAVE.

- HM, BUT I CAN GUESS HOW
YOU AND FATHER ARE GOING.

- HOW?

- WELL, I THINK IT'LL BE
SOMETHING DIGNIFIED,

- A PERIOD COSTUME OF SOME KIND.
- YOU'RE CLOSE.

- GEORGE AND MARTHA WASHINGTON!

- [laughs]

- MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.

- OH, WELL, WHATEVER
IT IS, I... I'LL BET YOU'LL BE

THE BEST LOOKING COUPLE THERE.

MAYBE YOU'LL EVEN
WIN FIRST PRIZE.

- IT'S QUITE POSSIBLE.

- MY HISTORY TEACHER
IS GOING THERE AS SALAMI.

- ON RYE?

- [laughter]

- YOU MEAN, SALOME, KATHY.
SHE WAS A BEAUTIFUL DANCER.

- OH.

- THIS PARTY IS BEGINNING TO
SOUND BETTER ALL THE TIME.

- I WOULDN'T WORRY, MOTHER.

I STILL SAY YOU'LL BE THE
MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN THERE.

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT,

BUT I'LL BE THE MOST AUTHENTIC.

- HURRY UP, MOMMY AND DADDY. I
WANNA SEE YOU IN YOUR COSTUME.

- WELL, IF I CAN GET INTO
MINE AFTER THAT DINNER,

MARGARET, IT'LL BE A MIRACLE.

- I'LL USE A SHOEHORN.

- YOU CHILDREN DON'T KNOW
IT, BUT IN A FEW MINUTES,

YOU'RE GOING TO SEE WHAT
THE BEST-DRESSED COUPLE

OF SPRINGFIELD USED TO WEAR.

- AND BY THE TIME YOU'VE
FINISHED WASHING THE DISHES,

WE'LL BE DOWN.

BUT NO FAIR LOOKING
UNTIL WE CALL YOU.

- WONDER WHAT THEY'RE
GONNA WEAR TONIGHT?

- I THINK I KNOW.

MOMMY'S WEARING A DRESS SHE
WORE WHEN SHE FIRST MET DADDY.

- HMM, SOMETHING
WITH BUSTLES, I GUESS.

- AND WHAT DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT BUSTLES?

- I KNOW ALL ABOUT BUSTLES.

I STUDIED ANCIENT HISTORY.

[canned laughter]

♪ ♪

- COME ON DOWN, JIM.

THE CHILDREN ARE
STILL IN THE KITCHEN.

[comical music]

- WAIT TILL BUD GETS
A LOAD OF HIS OLD MAN.

- HE'LL PROBABLY WANNA
BORROW THAT COAT.

- IF HE DOES, HE'LL HAVE TO
SHOO THE WOMEN AWAY LIKE I DID.

OH, MARGARET,
THOSE WERE THE DAYS,

WOMEN SWOONING ALL
OVER THE PLACE FOR ME.

- THAT COAT SMELLED AS
BADLY THEN AS IT DOES NOW.

- NO WONDER.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING, HONEY?

- OOH, I'M SETTING THE
STAGE FOR OUR APPEARANCE.

[bebop music]
- GOOD IDEA.

WE'LL GIVE THEM THE FULL TREAT.

- UH, HOW IS YOUR
ONE-STEP, SUGAR?

- JUST TRY ME OUT, QUEENIE.

[canned laughter]

♪ ♪

- GOOD GRIEF. WHAT'S THAT?

- MUST BE ONE OF THOSE
OLD-TIME MOVIES ON TELEVISION.

[canned laughter]

[bebop music]

♪ ♪

[canned laughter]

- BUD, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

[canned laughter]

♪ ♪

[canned laughter]

- OH, LET ME SEE. LET ME SEE.

♪ ♪

[canned laughter]

WHO ARE THOSE STRANGE PEOPLE?

[canned laughter]

- THAT'S YOUR MOTHER
AND YOUR FATHER.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO 'EM?
[canned laughter]

- [INDISCERNIBLE]
MY EYES CHECKED.

I DIDN'T SEE WHAT I
THOUGHT I DID, DID I?

TELL ME I DIDN'T, PLEASE.

- YOU DID, BUD.
[sighs]

♪ ♪

[canned laughter]

- DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME

THAT... THAT'S WHAT
MY MOTHER LOOKED LIKE

WHEN DAD PROPOSED TO HER?

- IT'S SAD BUT TRUE.

- AND THAT'S WHAT MY
FATHER LOOKED LIKE

WHEN SHE ACCEPTED HIM?

- YES, BUD.

- MAN, OH, MAN.

LOVE SURE WAS BLIND THEN.

[canned laughter]

- OKAY, CHILDREN,
YOU CAN COME IN NOW.

♪ ♪

- [laughter]

- HE... HEY!
- WELL, SURPRISED?

- GUESS YOU CHILDREN DIDN'T KNOW

YOUR OLD MAN COULD
CUT A MEAN RUG, DID YOU?

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW

I WAS THE ROMEO OF
SPRINGFIELD IN THIS OUTFIT.

- AND I WAS THE JULIET
WHO SNARED HIM.

- [laughter]

- I TOLD YOU THEY'D
BE SPEECHLESS.

YOU KNOW, MARGARET,
WE MIGHT TAKE FIRST PRIZE

TONIGHT AT THAT.

LOOK AT THE REACTION
WE'RE GETTING FROM THEM.

- WELL, WHAT DO
YOU THINK, CHILDREN?

DO WE HAVE A CHANCE?

- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HER?

- OH, I DON'T KNOW.

- WELL, SHE'S SCARED.

- WHAT?

- THOSE OUTFITS ARE ENOUGH
TO FRIGHTEN ANYONE TO DEATH.

I THINK IT'S QUITE POSSIBLE

THAT YOU'LL WIN
FIRST PRIZE TONIGHT...

FOR BEING THE MOST
RIDICULOUS-LOOKING COUPLE THERE.

- BETTY ANDERSON, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?

- BUD, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- OH, UH, I GOT SOME
HOMEWORK TO DO, DAD.

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

[music stops]

- WELL, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THESE CLOTHES?

- THEY'RE AWFUL,
THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG.

THEY'RE JUST PLAIN
HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, AWFUL.

WHY COULDN'T YOU PICK
OUT SOMETHING PRETTY

OR... OR INTERESTING
LIKE THE OTHER PARENTS?

- SUCH AS?

- WELL, MRS. DAVIS,
FOR INSTANCE,

SHE'S GOING AS MARIE ANTOINETTE.

A... AND MR. LITTLE, HE'S
GOING AS ROBIN HOOD.

- WITH HIS LEGS?

[canned laughter]

- FATHER, THIS IS
NO TIME FOR HUMOR.

- BETTY, THESE ARE
ALL AUTHENTIC CLOTHES.

THE CLOTHES YOUR MOTHER AND
I WORE WHEN WE WERE YOUR AGE.

AND THEY WERE
CONSIDERED VERY STYLISH.

THEN IF THAT'S THE CASE, HOW
CAN YOU POSSIBLY MAKE FUN

OF THE OUTFITS I WEAR?

- OH, BETTY, YOU'RE
BEING MOST UNKIND

ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION.

NOW, YOUR FATHER AND I ARE
WEARING THESE CLOTHES TONIGHT

WHETHER YOU APPROVE OR NOT.

- ALL RIGHT, MOTHER.

BUT I HOPE YOU REALIZE HOW
YOU'RE GOING TO EMBARRASS ME.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[door slams]

- HMM.
- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, DEAR,

BUT I FEEL LIKE CRAWLING RIGHT
BACK INTO THE CEDAR CHEST.

[canned laughter]

- BUT WE'RE NOT GOING TO.

[bebop music]

♪ ♪

- [laughter]

- HOW'D YOU LIKE
MY COSTUME, BETTY?

- OH, IT'S LOVELY, MRS. TURGIS.

- MAKES ME FEEL SORT
OF... SORT OF SOUTHERN.

- [laughter]

- I THOUGHT MY HUSBAND AND I
WERE BEING SO ORIGINAL TONIGHT.

SO FAR, I'VE COUNTED SIX
COUPLES DRESSED THIS WAY.

- YOU LOOK VERY NICE JUST
THE SAME, MRS. MCGRATH.

- OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.

- [laughter]
- OH, HELLO, GIRLS.

- HI, BETTY!

- ISN'T THIS GREAT?

- GOOD PARTY, ISN'T IT?
- HMM, I GUESS SO.

- SOME OF THE COSTUMES
ARE HYSTERICAL!

- [laughter]
- I'M SURE OF THAT.

- WHAT TIME DO WE
COME ON, MARGIE?

- RIGHT AFTER THEY AWARD THE
PRIZE FOR THE BEST COSTUME.

- OH, I WONDER WHO WILL WIN.

- YOU'RE GOING TO BE SURPRISED.
- WHY?

- BECAUSE I HEARD YOUR FOLKS

ARE GOING TO WIN
THE FIRST PRIZE.

- IT'S IN THE BAG.
- IT IS?

- IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET,
BUT PRACTICALLY EVERYONE KNOWS.

- HOW CAN THEY WIN

WITH THOSE SILLY-LOOKING
OUTFITS THEY WERE WEARING?

MY DAD HAD ON A RACCOON COAT

THAT EVEN THE RACCOON
MUST HAVE BEEN ASHAMED OF.

AND MY MOTHER, SPIT CURLS YET.

AND WITH EARRINGS
THAT DANGLE SO LOW,

I DON'T SEE HOW SHE KEEPS
FROM STEPPING ON THEM.

- WELL, WHAT KIND OF OUTFITS
ARE YOUR FOLKS WEARING, DOTTY?

- OH, SOMETHING
THEY USED TO WEAR

WHEN THEY WERE IN THEIR TEENS.

YOU KNOW, SHORT SKIRTS AND
LOTS OF FRINGE, AND NO WAISTLINE.

[chuckles]

MY DAD HAS ON A PAIR OF TROUSERS

THAT ARE SO TIGHT
AROUND THE BOTTOM.

I SHOULD THINK THEY'D
CUT OFF HIS CIRCULATION.

[canned laughter]
- WHO KNOWS, DOTTY?

MAYBE SOMEDAY WHEN
WE'RE OLD AND HAVE CHILDREN,

THEY'LL LAUGH AT
THE WAY WE DRESS.

SURE IS HARD TO BELIEVE, THOUGH.

- OH, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT.

MOTHER AND DAD GOT
VERY SENTIMENTAL TONIGHT,

TALKING ABOUT THE OLD DAYS.

I GUESS THOSE CLOTHES
BRING BACK LOTS OF MEMORIES.

- DID YOU SEE MY FOLKS TONIGHT?

- YEAH, I SAW YOUR MOM. I
HARDLY RECOGNIZED HER, THOUGH.

- I IMAGINE THE JUDGES
MUST HAVE HAD A HARD TIME

DECIDING BETWEEN
YOUR FOLKS AND MINE.

- I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY.

- WELL, THEY'RE WEARING
THE SAME KIND OF OUTFITS.

- SAME KIND OF OUTFITS?

- OH, I THINK YOU BETTER GO
TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR PARENTS.

- THEY'RE REAL CRAZY.

- [laughter]

- COME ON, DOTTY, THEY'RE
GOING TO MAKE THE AWARD.

- OKAY.

- DO YOU SEE YOUR FOLKS?
- NOT YET.

- WELL, THERE THEY ARE.

[canned laughter]

- I THOUGHT SURE THEY'D WEAR
SOMETHING MORE ORIGINAL.

- ME, TOO.

- [gasps] WELL, THEY
DO LOOK AWFULLY CUTE.

BUT... BUT AFTER ALL, THEY
REALLY AREN'T IN COSTUME.

[canned laughter]

- THEY HAVE SOMETHING
ORIGINAL PICKED OUT FOR TONIGHT...

AND I HAD TO OPEN MY BIG
MOUTH AND SPOIL EVERYTHING.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

IT IS THE PLEASURE OF THE
PARENT-TEACHER'S ASSOCIATION

TO AWARD THIS TROPHY TONIGHT

TO THE COUPLE WHO, IN
THE OPINION OF THE JUDGES,

IS WEARING THE MOST
ORIGINAL COSTUME,

MR. AND MRS. EMMET SNOW.

[crowd cheering]

- CONGRATULATIONS, EMMET.

- THEY DO LOOK KIND OF
CUTE AT THAT, DON'T THEY?

[bebop music]

♪ ♪

- OH, HELLO, PRINCESS.

- OH, HELLO, HONEY.

- YOU CHANGED YOUR COSTUMES.
- [laughs]

- THAT'S RIGHT.

WE DIDN'T AGREE WITH YOU,
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,

WE DIDN'T WANT TO
EMBARRASS YOU EITHER.

- WE WOULDN'T DO THAT
FOR THE WORLD, DEAR.

- MOTHER, I... I...

- WHAT IS IT, BETTY?
- OH, COME ON, HONEY.

WE THOUGHT YOU'D LAUGH WHEN
YOU SAW US DRESSED LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

I'VE DEVELOPED A LOT
OF RESPECT FOR BUD

SINCE I'VE BEEN WEARING
THIS LEVI'S TONIGHT. [chuckles]

I DON'T DARE GET UP TO DANCE.
I'M... I'D LOSE THEM FOR SURE.

[canned laughter]

- YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
LISTENED TO ME TONIGHT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME
IT WAS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

- WHAT WE DO IS YOUR
BUSINESS, PRINCESS,

JUST LIKE WHAT YOU
DO IS OUR BUSINESS.

THAT'S WHAT KEEPS
US ALL TOGETHER.

- BUT IF IT HADN'T
BEEN FOR MY STUPIDITY,

YOU WOULD HAVE WON
FIRST PRIZE IN EVERYTHING.

- OH, NOW, FIRST PRIZE
WOULDN'T MEAN MUCH TO US

IF IT MADE YOU UNHAPPY.

- BETTY, IT WASN'T STUPIDITY.

YOU WERE DOING SOMETHING
THAT ALL OF US DO SOMETIMES,

FORGETTING THAT EACH GENERATION

HAS ITS OWN RULES OF
CONDUCT AND STYLES.

YESTERDAY IT WAS SHORT
SKIRTS AND CLOSED HATS.

[chuckles]

TODAY IT'S BLUE
JEANS AND PONYTAILS.

SO LONG AS WE UNDERSTAND,
LOVE EACH OTHER,

THAT'S WHAT REALLY MATTERS.

- I WISH THERE WAS
SOMETHING I COULD DO

TO MAKE ALL THIS UP TO YOU.

- THERE IS.
- WHAT?

- WILL YOU ASK BUD HOW
HE KEEPS THESE THINGS UP?

[canned laughter]

- I'LL DO BETTER THAN THAT
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- I'LL SEE YOU AT
HOME LATER. BYE!

- [sighs]

[sighs]

[canned laughter]

- WELL, I GUESS
EVERYONE'S IN BED.

- I STILL CAN'T UNDERSTAND
WHY BETTY LEFT SO ABRUPTLY.

[bebop music]

♪ ♪

[canned laughter]

♪ ♪

- EXCUSE ME, OLD MAN,
DO YOU MIND IF I CUT IN?

- OKAY, ROMEO.

[canned laughter]

JULIET, CARE TO
TRY A LITTLE BOP?

- I'D LOVE TO, SON.

[canned laughter]

♪ ♪

[canned laughter]

[applause]

[theme music]