Fantasy Island (1977–1984): Season 2, Episode 22 - The Comic/The Golden Hour - full transcript

THE PLANE! THE PLANE!

[WOMEN GIGGLING]

GOOD GRIEF.

BOSS, IT'S TIME TO
PLAY YOU BET MY FACE.

TRY TO GUESS. WHO AM I?

UM...

HUMPHREY BOGART.

OH, BOSS, STOP KIDDING AROUND.

I WORKED MONTHS ON MY
IMPRESSION OF GROUCHO MARX.

YOU KNOW, FOR THE
BIG AMATEUR SHOW.

NOW, DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S TOO MUCH, HUH?



DEFINITELY. SHALL WE
GREET OUR GUESTS?

SMILES, EVERYONE. SMILES.

♪♪

BOSS, LOOK, IT'S DANNY
BAKER, THE FAMOUS COMEDIAN.

HE BREAKS ME UP.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
MR. BAKER IS HERE FOR A HOLIDAY

AND ALSO TO BE THE
MASTER OF CEREMONIES

FOR THE BIG FANTASY
ISLAND AMATEUR NIGHT SHOW.

DOES HE HAVE A FANTASY? NO.

BUT THE YOUNG MAN WITH HIM DOES.

HE IS MR. JERRY BURTON,

AND FOR THE PAST EIGHT YEARS,
HE'S BEEN MR. BAKER'S WRITER.

WOW. WHAT A TERRIFIC JOB.

PERHAPS.



BUT IT'S A LONG WAY

FROM THE EXCITEMENT AND
WARMTH OF THE SPOTLIGHT.

MR. BURTON WANTS TO
STEP OUT OF OBLIVION

AND INTO THE
CENTER OF THE STAGE,

WHERE HE CAN FULFILL HIS FANTASY
TO BE WHAT HIS EMPLOYER IS...

A STAR COMIC.

BOSS, I DON'T THINK
EVEN YOU CAN HELP HIM.

MR. BURTON LOOKS LIKE
A... A KING-SIZED NOTHING.

MS. LINDA LARSON.

SHE LOOKS LIKE A LADY WHO
CAN HANDLE HER OWN FANTASIES.

DOES SHE REALLY NEED US?

SHE DIDN'T COME
FOR HERSELF, TATTOO.

SHE'S HERE TO HELP
HER SISTER, SANDY.

SANDY WAS WELL ON HER WAY
TO BECOME A TOP FASHION MODEL

UNTIL SHE WAS INJURED IN AN
AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT FIVE YEARS AGO.

THAT'S VERY SAD.

YES, IT IS, TATTOO.

HER DESIRE TO LIVE
SEEMED PARALYZED

ALONG WITH HER
LEGS UNTIL A YEAR AGO,

WHEN SHE BEGAN A PEN PAL
RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN IN PRISON.

HIS LETTERS SEEMED TO
FILL HER WITH HAPPINESS

AND A DESIRE TO
LIVE AND GET WELL.

WHAT DID THE LETTERS SAY?

SHE NEVER SHARED
THE CONTENTS, TATTOO.

SHE NEVER TOLD HER
PEN PAL SHE WAS CRIPPLED.

THEN, THREE MONTHS AGO, HIS LETTERS
STOPPED COMING FOR SOME REASON,

AND SHE'S BEEN
DEPRESSED EVER SINCE.

AND THAT'S WHY HER SISTER
BROUGHT HER HERE... TO CHEER HER UP?

MUCH MORE THAN THAT, TATTOO.
SANDY DOESN'T KNOW IT YET,

BUT SHE'S HERE TO FINALLY MEET
HER PEN PAL, MR. MICHAEL BANNING.

BUT, BOSS, YOU SAID
HE WAS IN PRISON.

UNFORTUNATELY, YES.
MAXIMUM SECURITY.

AND AT THIS MOMENT,
HE IS BEING FLOWN

FROM A MILITARY PRISON IN JAPAN

TO LEAVENWORTH PRISON IN KANSAS.

BUT, BOSS, HOW ARE YOU
GOING TO BRING THEM TOGETHER?

MY DEAR GUESTS, I AM
MR. ROARKE, YOUR HOST.

WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND.

[MR. ROARKE] AND, UH,
THIS IS WHERE WE'LL HOLD

THE AMATEUR NIGHT
SHOW, MR. BAKER.

I THINK YOU'LL FIND OUR
STAGE RATHER WELL EQUIPPED.

YEAH. YEAH,
EVERYTHING LOOKS OKAY,

BUT I'M GONNA FIX IT UP A
LITTLE, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

PUT SOME MORE SPEAKERS IN THE BACK OF
THE HOUSE. I WANNA MAKE SURE THEY HEAR ME.

AND GET SOME LIGHTS UP
FRONT. LOOK HOW DARK IT IS.

WHAT'S WITH THIS
SCHMATTA HANGING HERE?

IT'S GONNA BLOCK
ABOUT FOUR TABLES.

[TATTOO] LET'S HEAR IT FOR
ANOTHER GREAT IMPRESSION

FROM THE WONDERFUL TATTOO.

GOOD EVENING, MUSIC LOVERS.

TONIGHT, I WOULD
LIKE TO PLAY FOR YOU,

FOR MY FIRST SELECTION,

ONE OF MY ALL-TIME FAVORITES,

"THE BEER BARREL POLKA."

♪♪ ["BEER BARREL POLKA"]

♪♪ [CONTINUES]

HEY, THAT'S GREAT.

PUT A COUPLE OF LINES ABOUT
THE SHRIMP IN MY ACT, HUH?

SEE YOU LATER. BYE, ROARKE.

♪♪ [CONTINUES] UH, TATTOO?

TATTOO!

YES, BOSS?

I THINK THAT IS SUFFICIENT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

IT NEEDS A LOT OF WORK, HUH?

UH, WELL...

UH, MR. BURTON, WHY
DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT?

OH, THANK YOU.

UH, DANNY BAKER RELIES
HEAVILY ON YOU, DOESN'T HE?

BUT I MUST SAY, HE DIDN'T
SEEM UNAPPRECIATIVE.

NO, NO, REALLY, DESPITE
HIS ABRUPT BEHAVIOR.

ARE YOU SURE YOU
WANT TO QUIT YOUR JOB

AND BECOME A STAND-UP
COMEDIAN YOURSELF?

SURER THAN EVER, MR. ROARKE.

YOU SEE, DANNY'S PLANNING TO FIRE ME
NEXT MONTH WHEN MY CONTRACT RUNS OUT.

WHY SHOULD HE WANT
TO FIRE YOU, AFTER,

WHAT IS IT NOW, EIGHT YEARS...
EIGHT SUCCESSFUL YEARS TOGETHER?

MAYBE BECAUSE DANNY'S A COMIC,

AND COMICS ALWAYS
RESENT THEIR WRITERS.

YOU SEE, THEY THINK IT'S THEM
THAT'S FUNNY, NOT THE MATERIAL.

WHATEVER THE REASON,
MY TIME'S RUNNING OUT,

AND I NEED THAT FANTASY QUICK.

I SEE. NOW, WOULD TOMORROW
NIGHT BE QUICK ENOUGH FOR YOU?

TOMORROW NIGHT?

YOU GOT ME A DATE THAT QUICK?

OH, THAT'S GREAT, MR. ROARKE.

YES, YOUR FIRST ENGAGEMENT
AS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN. YES.

I'VE ARRANGED FOR YOU
TO BE THE OPENING ACT

AT A SMALL NIGHTCLUB ON
THE NORTH SIDE OF THE ISLAND.

UH, IT'S A BAR, ACTUALLY,

CALLED, UH, THE BUCKET OF SUDS.

ITS CLIENTELE CONSISTS
MOSTLY OF WORKERS

FROM THE PINEAPPLE
PLANTATION AND OFF-DUTY SAILORS.

HEAVY DRINKERS
BUT GOOD LAUGHERS.

MR. ROARKE, I'LL TAKE IT.

AND YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW GRATEFUL I AM.

FINE. THEN I'LL TELL THEM
TO EXPECT YOU, HUH?

GREAT. OH.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I GOT ABOUT NINE
POUNDS OF JOKES TO WRITE FOR DANNY.

AT LEAST I CAN LEAVE
HIM LAUGHING, HMM?

THANK YOU.

MR. ROARKE, YOUR ISLAND IS THE
MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACE I'VE EVER SEEN.

I AM DELIGHTED.

OKAY. NOW DO I FIND OUT WHY
YOU BROUGHT ME HERE, LINDA?

WELL, TO CHEER YOU UP.

WE'RE QUITE GOOD AT IT, IF
YOU'LL GIVE US THE CHANCE.

I'M SURE YOU DO, MR. ROARKE.

I JUST WISH I COULD CHEER UP,

BUT I KEEP THINKING OF ALL
THE THINGS I CAN'T DO ANYMORE.

YOUR SISTER'S MORALE DOES
SEEM VERY LOW, MS. LARSON.

I TOLD YOU, MR. ROARKE.

SHE'S BEEN LIKE THAT SINCE MIKE
BANNING'S LETTERS STOPPED COMING.

I DON'T MIND TELLING
YOU I'M VERY SKEPTICAL.

I MEAN, HOW CAN YOU
POSSIBLY GET MIKE BANNING

OUT OF PRISON
AND ON THIS ISLAND?

YOU MUST HAVE FAITH, MS. LARSON,

THIS IS FANTASY ISLAND.

[MAN ON RADIO] MAYDAY!
MAYDAY! PILOT TO TOWER!

THIS IS AIR FORCE ZEBRA
WHISKEY ZULU 2-5-1-5.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WE LOST ALL PRESSURE
IN THE STARBOARD ENGINE.

FUEL PUMP'S GONE
ON THE PORT SIDE.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SET
HER DOWN ON THE OCEAN.

IF WE'RE GONNA CRASH,
GET ME OUT OF THESE.

MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

THIS IS AIR FORCE ZEBRA

WHISKEY ZULU 2-5-1-5,
CALLING ANYONE!

CAN YOU READ US? PILOT TO TOWER.

MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

AIR FORCE ZEBRA
WHISKEY ZULU 2-5-1-5,

THIS IS FANTASY ISLAND.

YOU ARE APPROXIMATELY
40 MILES NORTHWEST OF US

ON A BEARING OF 320 DEGREES.

WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY
LANDING STRIP

ON THE SOUTH END OF THE ISLAND.

PLEASE ALTER YOUR
HEADING TO 1-6-0.

I REPEAT, 1-6-0.

[MAN] AIR FORCE ZEBRA
WHISKEY ZULU 2-5-1-5,

I HAVE YOU IN SIGHT, AND
YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.

YOU HAVE A 10-KNOT
CROSSWIND OUT OF THE EAST.

OVER.

[MAN #2] ROGER,
FANTASY ISLAND TOWER.

10-KNOT CROSSWIND
OUT OF THE EAST.

WE'RE NOW TURNING
ON FINAL APPROACH,

WHEELS DOWN AND LOCKED.

[MAN] ZEBRA WHISKEY ZULU,

YOU'RE COMING IN TOO HOT.

THROTTLE BACK. THROTTLE BACK.

AND GOOD LUCK.

AH, GENTLEMEN, I AM MR. ROARKE.

WELCOME TO FANTASY
ISLAND. WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.

MY NAME'S VICTOR GRENNAN.

I'M A FEDERAL MARSHAL.
THIS IS MY PRISONER.

YOU GOT SOME PLACE
I CAN LOCK HIM UP

WHILE THEY'RE GETTING
THE PLANE FIXED?

DOES YOUR PRISONER HAVE A NAME?

YEAH. MIKE BANNING, MR. ROARKE.

LIKE I WAS SAYING,
WHERE CAN I LOCK HIM UP?

NOWHERE, MARSHAL, UH...

GRENNAN. MARSHAL GRENNAN.

I'M AFRAID THAT NOT ONLY
CAN YOU NOT LOCK HIM UP,

I'LL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO
REMOVE THE RESTRAINING BELT.

OH, BUT YOU HAVE
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

THERE IS NO ESCAPE
FROM THE ISLAND.

LOOK, HE'S MY PRISONER,
AND I'LL CHAIN HIM

TO THE PLANE IF I HAVE TO.

PLEASE, MARSHAL...
UM, UH, GRENNAN,

THIS IS MY ISLAND.

I AM THE LAW HERE,

THE ONLY LAW.

NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME, PUNK.

I'VE NEVER LOST A PRISONER,

AND YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BE NUMBER ONE.

YOU TRY GETTING OFF THIS ISLAND,

YOU'RE GONNA GET
YOURSELF KILLED.

[MR. ROARKE] WHEN YOU'VE
HAD A CHANCE TO CHANGE,

THERE IS SOMEONE ON THE
ISLAND YOU MIGHT LIKE TO SEE.

I DON'T THINK I KNOW
ANYBODY ON THIS ISLAND.

I'M REFERRING TO
MISS SANDY LARSON.

YOUR PEN PAL. YOU REMEMBER?

YEAH.

UH, SHE HERE?

SANDY.

YES, SHE'S HERE, ON
A LITTLE VACATION.

I'D, UH... I'D PREFER
NOT TO SEE HER.

WELL, THAT'S SURPRISING,
SINCE THE TWO OF YOU

HAVE CORRESPONDED FOR
OVER A YEAR AND HAVEN'T MET.

YEAH, WELL, IT WAS
ALL RIGHT FOR A WHILE,

BUT I HAD MY REASONS.

I DON'T HAVE THEM ANYMORE.

I THINK YOU, UH, KNOW HOW IT IS.

NO, I DON'T.

PERHAPS YOU SHOULD TELL ME.

WELL, IN PRISON, THEY TAKE
AWAY ALL YOUR PRIVACIES.

THEY SEARCH YOU DOWN
TO YOUR UNDERWEAR,

AND THEY GO
THROUGH ALL YOUR MAIL,

INCOMING AND OUTGOING.

AND IN THE OUTGOING,

I'D SLIDE IN ALL THESE
LITTLE NICETIES...

YOU KNOW, "LIVE GOOD,
DO GOOD, BE GOOD,"

TO IMPRESS THE BOARD.

I SEE. RIGHT.

WELL, I WENT BEFORE THE
BOARD THREE MONTHS AGO,

AND AS YOU CAN SEE, THEY'RE NOT
EXACTLY TAKING ME TO THE MARDI GRAS.

NO, THEY'RE NOT. I SEE.

THEN HER LETTERS MEANT
NOTHING AT ALL TO YOU.

WELL, SOME, YEAH.

SHE'S GOOD PEOPLE.

IT'S JUST THAT, UH...

I THINK YOU SHOULD SEE
MISS LARSON ANYWAY.

OH, REALLY?

REALLY.

IF NOT,

A FUEL PUMP TO FIX
YOUR AIRPLANE'S ENGINE...

MIGHT CONVENIENTLY BE
FOUND IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES.

THAT'S HOW IT GOES, HUH?

THAT'S HOW IT GOES.

AGREED?

LOOKS LIKE I HAVE NO CHOICE.

COME IN.

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE
YOUR SANDWICHES, SIR?

UH...

ONE THING ABOUT MR. ROARKE...

HE HAS A GREAT
MAN AT HIS SIDE...

TATTOO.

TATTOO HAS TO BE AT HIS SIDE

BECAUSE IF HE STOOD
IN FRONT OF HIM,

HE'D TALK INTO HIS KNEE.

"TALK INTO HIS KNEE."
THAT'S TERRIFIC.

OH, THANK YOU.

[SHRIEKS] I NEVER TOUCHED YOU.

JEROME BURTINNOWSKY. WHAT?

UH, JEROME BURTINNOWSKY...

MISS HENNING'S FRENCH CLASS?

ERASMUS DINOWITZ HIGH?

UH-UH, MARY MARGARET DOYLE!
IT'S ME... MARGARET DOYLE!

OH, GEE, C'EST TU?

VRAIMENT?

IS IT REALLY YOU,
MADEMOISELLE DOYLE?

IT'S ME.

OH, GEE...

OH, BUT... BUT I CAN'T
BELIEVE THAT IT'S YOU.

YOU LOOK SO, UH, DISTINGUE.

OH, MERCI BEAUCOUP.

I MEAN, BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL YOU
WERE ALWAYS SO SHY AND EVERYTHING.

SO YEAH, YOU WERE
ALWAYS HUNCHED OVER

WITH YOUR FACE IN THAT BOOK BAG.

THAT WAS BECAUSE I WAS VERY
SENSITIVE ABOUT MY BRACES.

OH.

I HAD SO MUCH WIRE IN MY MOUTH,

I COULDN'T EVEN TALK
DURING AN ELECTRICAL STORM.

THAT'S RIGHT. THEY
USED TO CALL YOU, UH...

METAL MOUTH. METAL MOUTH, RIGHT.

OH, AND REMEMBER
WHAT THEY CALLED ME?

SKINNY. SKINNY.

[TOGETHER] SKINNY,
SKINNY, MARY DOYLE.

HANDS ARE BUILT LIKE OLIVE OYL.

[BOTH GIGGLE]

[CLEARS THROAT]

I FILLED OUT.

UM...

OH. [CHUCKLES]

OH, MARY, IF I KNEW YOU WERE
GONNA TURN OUT SO GREAT,

I PROBABLY WOULD'VE TAKEN MY HEAD
OUT OF MY BOOK BAG A LITTLE EARLIER.

SIT DOWN, PLEASE. OH.

GOSH. YEAH.

OH, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
YOU WERE SO FUNNY.

OH...

YOU MUST FEEL REAL PROUD ABOUT
WRITING FOR A BIG STAR LIKE DANNY BAKER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I
DO? ARE YOU KIDDING?

I MEAN, YOU ALWAYS SAID YOU
WERE GONNA WRITE BROADWAY PLAYS,

AND I GUESS YOU'VE
EVEN DONE THAT. NOT YET.

MARY, I'M GONNA STOP
WRITING FOR DANNY.

I'M GONNA BE A STAND-UP
COMIC ON MY OWN.

NO MORE INVISIBLE MAN.

OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC!

I MEAN, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANNA
DO, I'M SURE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT.

YOU ALWAYS WERE
TALENTED AND A HARD WORKER.

UH, COULD I COME WATCH YOUR ACT?

I'D LAUGH LIKE ANYTHING.

YEAH, SURE. OF COURSE.

GOOD.

OH, GOLLY.

BUT RIGHT NOW, I GOTTA
DELIVER THESE JOKES TO DANNY.

UH...

BUT LISTEN, WE'LL TALK
ABOUT THIS LATER, OKAY?

OKAY.

WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU
AGAIN, MARY MARGARET.

AU REVOIR.

[CHUCKLES] AU REVOIR.

[CHUCKLES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

NOW? NOW.

NOT A BAD-LOOKING GIRL, HUH?

HELLO, SANDY.

MIKE!

YEAH, IN THE FLESH.

YOU'RE TALLER THAN
I THOUGHT YOU'D BE.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, I TOLD YOU HOW TALL I WAS IN
ONE OF THOSE LETTERS. YOU REMEMBER?

THAT'S RIGHT. I REMEMBER NOW.

YOU'RE PRETTIER THAN
I THOUGHT YOU'D BE.

OH, THANK YOU.

ARE YOU FINISHED... EATING?

WE COULD, UH, TAKE A WALK IF YOU
WANT, TALK SOMEPLACE IN PRIVATE.

NO. NO. THIS... THIS IS FINE.

[WHEELS RATTLING]

I THOUGHT THE TWO OF YOU
MIGHT WANT TO MOVE AROUND.

MR. ROARKE, HOW COULD YOU?

DOES IT MAKE ANY
DIFFERENCE, MR. BANNING?

NO.

WELL, THEN, WHY DON'T
YOU HELP THE LADY?

I DON'T NEED ANY HELP.

I WANT TO GO BACK
TO MY BUNGALOW.

OH, I SUGGEST THAT OUR
LAGOON IS MUCH PRETTIER.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
MISS LARSON THERE?

IT'S OKAY. I DON'T WANT TO GO.

I THINK YOU SHOULD, MISS LARSON.

I DON'T NEED ANY HELP.

I WASN'T GONNA HELP. I WAS JUST
GONNA PUT MY HANDS ON THE HANDLES

SO IT'D LOOK LIKE I WAS HELPING.

[DANNY] AND THERE
YOU ARE, MY DEAR.

THAT'LL BE $1.80.
[LAUGHS] [WOMEN LAUGH]

OH, YOU LOOK GORGEOUS, HONEY.

THAT'S A TERRIFIC SUITLESS
BATHING STRAP YOU ALMOST HAVE ON.

YOU BETTER HIDE IN THE WOODS BEFORE
THE BOARD OF HEALTH CLOSES YOUR BODY.

ROWR. THERE YOU GO.

HEY, ISN'T THIS FUN,
PLAYING IN THE WOODS?

[WOMEN LAUGH]

OH, MR. ROARKE, TATTOO.

GLAD YOU'RE HERE TO SEE THIS.

AFTER I DELIVER THESE, I'M FREE.

IT'S ARRIVEDERCI DANNY,
HELLO MY NEW CAREER.

UNFORTUNATELY, MR. BURTON,
THERE IS A SLIGHT PROBLEM.

PROBLEM?

YES.

APPARENTLY THE REPUTATION
OF THE BUCKET OF SUDS

WASN'T AS UNJUST AS
THE PROPRIETOR CLAIMED.

IT SEEMS THEY HAD A BRAWL
THERE A FEW HOURS AGO.

NOW, THE PROPRIETOR
APOLOGIZED PROFOUNDLY

AND REQUESTED A 30-DAY
DELAY FOR YOUR OPENING.

APPARENTLY THAT'S THE
SENTENCE HE'LL RECEIVE

FOR ASSAULT WITH INTENT TO
COMMIT GREAT BODILY HARM.

NATURALLY, I TOLD HIM TO
FORGET THE WHOLE THING.

BUT, MR. ROARKE, WHAT
AM I GONNA DO NOW?

I MEAN, YOU PROMISED
ME MY FANTASY.

AND YOU SHALL HAVE IT,
MR. BURTON. YOU SHALL HAVE IT.

I HAVE BOOKED YOU A SPOT ON THE
AMATEUR SHOW TOMORROW NIGHT.

YOU WILL BE SEEN NOT
ONLY BY THE AUDIENCE,

BUT BY SEVERAL BOOKING AGENTS
WHO HAVE PROMISED TO ATTEND.

THAT'S TERRIBLE. I
BEG YOUR PARDON?

MR. ROARKE, DANNY IS
THE EMCEE OF THAT THING.

WHEN HE SEES ME UP THERE,
HE'LL SLICE ME TO RIBBONS.

BELIEVE ME, HE IS
A MASTER AT THAT.

I HAVE SEEN HIM
TEAR COMICS APART.

[SIGHS] I WOULDN'T STAND
A CHANCE AGAINST HIM.

HE'S JUST TOO GOOD AT
PUTTING PEOPLE DOWN.

DOES THAT MEAN YOU ARE REFUSING?

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I BETTER
GET THESE JOKES TO HIM.

BOSS, WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

I THOUGHT HIS FANTASY WAS TO
BECOME A COMIC LIKE DANNY BAKER.

IT TAKES MORE THAN DESIRE TO
FULFILL ANY FANTASY, MY FRIEND.

THE ELEMENT OF COURAGE

IS INDISPENSABLE TO THE
REALIZATION OF ANY DREAM.

FOLKS, FOLKS, IF I CAN HAVE YOUR
ATTENTION, PLEASE, EVERYBODY.

PLEASE. ATTENTION EVERYBODY.

AS YOU KNOW, TOMORROW NIGHT
IS OUR BIG AMATEUR TALENT SHOW,

AND I WANT YOU ALL TO BE THERE,

BECAUSE I'M GONNA BE THERE, AND
I HATE TO WORK ALONE. [LAUGHTER]

AND JUST TO GIVE YOU A SAMPLE OF THE
FUN WE'RE GONNA HAVE TOMORROW NIGHT,

I'D LIKE TO READ YOU
SOME OF MY LATEST AD LIBS.

OH, BUT FIRST, HEY,

LET'S HAVE A BIG HAND
FOR OUR MR. ROARKE, HUH?

AH.

AND HOW ABOUT A
PINKIE FOR TATTOO?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

OH, THAT TATTOO... HE REALLY IS
SOMETHING ELSE, LET ME TELL YOU.

YOU KNOW, MR. ROARKE
WANTED TO GIVE HIM HIS FANTASY,

BUT IT WAS A LITTLE HARD TO
SHRINK DOWN RAQUEL WELCH.

THEN HE TRIED DEHYDRATING DOLLY
PARTON, BUT THAT WAS A BUST TOO.

A BUST. YOU KNOW, A...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SINCE YOU DIDN'T KNOW
ABOUT... THIS THING,

WHY'D YOU STOP WRITING?

I RAN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

WE WERE AT IT FOR A YEAR.

I GOT BORED, YOU KNOW?

BORED OF...

YOUR LETTERS DIDN'T
SOUND LIKE YOU WERE BORED.

YOU KNOW, IF I WANTED TO, I
COULD PROBABLY SELL A WRISTWATCH

TO ANYBODY WITH
NOTHING ON THE INSIDE.

YOUR LETTERS HAD INSIDES.

THEY WEREN'T THE
LETTERS OF A GAME PLAYER,

THEY WERE FILLED WITH FEELING.

BUT SHARING A FEW
FANTASIES WITH YOU

ABOUT OUR MAKING LOVE

IS...

WELL, IT'S... IT'S NOT
VERY HARD TO DO

FOR A GUY THAT'S LOCKED UP.

I DON'T CARE WHAT
ANYBODY THINKS.

ALL I CARE ABOUT IS
GETTING OUT OF PRISON.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY SAD?

HERE WE ARE IN PERSON
FOR THE FIRST TIME.

ALL WE CAN DO IS
ARGUE OVER WHAT WAS.

I GUESS I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU WROTE WHAT YOU WROTE,

BUT I DO KNOW WHAT
YOUR LETTERS MEANT TO ME.

NO, YOU CAN'T COME
IN! I TOLD YOU NO!

COME ON. GET OUT OF
MY WAY, SHORT STUFF.

I GOTTA SEE THAT BOSS OF YOURS.

AND WHAT IS THE
MEANING OF THIS, MARSHAL?

EVERYTHING IS
UNDER CONTROL, HUH?

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, RIGHT?

WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU
SAID, WASN'T IT, MR. BIG SHOT?

HMM? UH, APPROXIMATELY, YES.

UH-HUH.

WELL, THEN, SUPPOSE YOU
TELL ME WHERE MY PRISONER IS.

I SAW HIM WITH
THAT CRIPPLED GIRL,

AND NOW HE'S DISAPPEARED.

BUT LIKE I TOLD YOU, HE
CAN'T GET OFF THE ISLAND.

WELL, NOW, I'M TELLING YOU,

HE'S ATTEMPTING ESCAPE, AND
THAT'S GONNA GET HIM KILLED.

SPEAKING OF DRUNKS,
WHAT ABOUT THE DRUNK

THAT PUT A DIME IN THE
PARKING METER AND SAID,

"HEY, WHAT DO YOU
KNOW? I WEIGH AN HOUR."

HEY! [LAUGHS]

OH, COME ON! HOW ABOUT
A GAME OF ONE-ON-ONE?

OH, NO. NO, NO. FIRST
RULE OF BASKETBALL...

NEVER PLAY WITH A GIRL...
TALLER THAN YOURSELF.

IT'S MY BALL. I'M
GONNA TAKE IT AND GO.

SORRY.

I HEARD TODAY THAT YOU
TURNED DOWN A PERFORMANCE

THAT MR. ROARKE SET UP FOR YOU.

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS
IMPORTANT ENOUGH

TO MAKE THE LOCAL GOSSIP.

WELL, ACTUALLY,
NOBODY'S TALKING ABOUT IT.

I JUST HAPPENED TO ASK TATTOO

WHAT WAS GOING ON
WITH YOUR NEW CAREER.

WHY'D YOU WANNA KNOW?

BECAUSE.

BECAUSE WHY?

BECAUSE I LIKE YOU,
JEROME BURTONOWSKI,

AND I REMEMBER HOW,
WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE KID,

YOU WERE ALWAYS
KIND OF SHY AND AFRAID.

BUT IT NEVER STOPPED YOU.

NOT EVEN WHEN THAT BIG BULLY
DARED YOU TO FIGHT HIM. REMEMBER?

OH, UH... MANIAC MALONE.

RIGHT. RIGHT. WAS HE MEAN.

HE USED TO GO
AROUND BITING DOGS.

YEAH, AND YOU SHOWED UP IN THIS HUGE
PAIR OF PANTS PULLED UP AROUND YOUR CHIN,

AND YOU SAID, "NO
HITTING BELOW THE BELT."

SO WHAT'S REALLY THE MATTER?

WHY WON'T YOU DO IT?

I'M SCARED STIFF... OF DANNY.

I KNOW WHAT HE CAN DO TO
ME. WHY PUT MYSELF THROUGH IT?

OH, I SEE. SO YOU
HAVE CHANGED THEN.

WHEN YOU WERE A KID, YOU WOULD
AT LEAST SHOW UP TO FACE THE BULLY.

YOU WON'T EVEN DO THAT NOW,
WILL YOU? WILL YOU STOP IT ALREADY?

HE'D MAKE A FOOL OUT OF
ME IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.

NOT EVERYBODY!

I WOULDN'T THINK OF YOU AS A
FOOL NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED

OR HOW IT TURNED OUT.

IN FACT, I'D BE
VERY PROUD OF YOU.

SUPPOSE NOBODY
LAUGHED AT MY MATERIAL?

I'LL LAUGH,

'CAUSE I HAPPEN TO THINK

YOU'RE THE FUNNIEST PERSON
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

AND AN EXCELLENT
BASKETBALL PLAYER.

YOU KISS MUCH BETTER
WITHOUT BRACES.

[CHUCKLES]

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

I TOLD YOU YOU WAS
GONNA GET YOURSELF KILLED.

[GUN COCKS]

MARSHAL GRENNAN!

AS I WARNED YOU, YOU HAVE
NO JURISDICTION ON THIS ISLAND.

YOU PULL THE TRIGGER,
AND IT'S MURDER.

YOU WILL BE TREATED AND
TRIED LIKE A COMMON CRIMINAL.

AND GUYS ALL OVER THE WORLD IN
PRISONS WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, APE.

I SUGGEST YOU GO
BACK TO YOUR QUARTERS.

YOU CAN RIDE WITH
ME, MR. BANNING.

THANKS. I OWE YOU ONE.

I BELIEVE YOU LEFT MISS LARSON
IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION.

PERHAPS YOU SHOULD EXPLAIN
TO HER WHY YOU STOPPED WRITING.

[WOMAN] IT'S TERRIBLE. YOU
BETTER DO SOMETHING QUICK.

[MR. ROARKE] ABOUT WHAT,
TAMMY? WHAT HAPPENED?

WE WERE OUT ON A BOAT
RIDE WITH DANNY BAKER,

AND THE ENGINE CONKED OUT.

WE SWAM ASHORE,
BUT DANNY CAN'T SWIM,

AND HE'S STUCK OUT IN THE BAY.

BUT HE'S GOT A
SHOW TO DO TONIGHT.

NO WAY.

UH, WELL, THERE IS
ONLY ONE ANSWER.

INSTEAD OF JUST A
GUEST APPEARANCE,

YOU WILL HAVE TO GO ON IN
MR. BAKER'S PLACE AS EMCEE TONIGHT.

ME?

YES.

TONIGHT?

YES.

I CAN'T DO THAT. OH,
WELL, OF COURSE YOU CAN.

YOU CAN USE THE MATERIAL
THAT YOU WROTE FOR DANNY.

CERTAINLY. I WILL MAKE
AN ANNOUNCEMENT

AND THEN CALL YOU
AT THE PROPER MOMENT.

MR. ROARKE...

OH, AND, MR. BURTON,
BREAK A LEG.

"BREAK A LEG"?

YEAH. THAT MEANS, UH,
GOOD LUCK IN SHOW BUSINESS,

AND, BOY, AM I GONNA NEED IT.

WHAT BRINGS YOU BACK?

WELL, I GOT CAUGHT.

I JUST THOUGHT YOU HAD A
RIGHT TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

IT DOESN'T MATTER. YES, IT DOES.

I HAD A HASSLE WITH ONE OF
THE GUARDS BACK IN THE PRISON.

HE HAD IT IN FOR ME, SEE?

TRIED TO DO ME IN WITH HIS CLUB.

HE'S THE ONE THAT GOT DONE-IN.

ANYWAY, HE TOLD THE BRASS,
OF COURSE, THAT I STARTED IT,

SO THEY DENIED ME PAROLE AND
GAVE ME ANOTHER THREE YEARS.

WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH ME?

IT'S GOT EVERYTHING
TO DO WITH YOU.

YOU'RE A GOOD GIRL,
AND I DIDN'T WANT YOU

TO SIT AROUND FOR THREE YEARS
WAITING FOR THOSE DUMB LETTERS.

DUMB LETTERS?

I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT
THOSE LETTERS.

I WAS LYING IN BED, ROTTING AWAY, WAITING
TO DIE, WHEN THAT FIRST LETTER ARRIVED.

DO I LOOK LIKE I'M LYING IN
BED WAITING TO DIE RIGHT NOW?

NO. NO BUT NOTHING.

WHAT WAS IT YOU SAID WHEN YOU WERE WRITING
ALL THOSE POSITIVE THINGS FOR THE CENSORS?

"NO ONE SHOULD GIVE
UP, PLAY IT STRAIGHT,

FIND OUT WHERE YOU FIT
AND KEEP REACHING HIGHER."

WELL, MAYBE YOU DIDN'T
BELIEVE THAT STUFF,

BUT YOU SURE CONVINCED ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO DO, DROWN YOURSELF?

LET GO OF ME! IT'S THOSE
DUMB LETTERS YOU WROTE

THAT GAVE ME THE
IDEA TO GET IN THE POOL.

NO, NO. NO, I CAN DO IT.

[GRUNTS]

WELL, YOU'RE A GOOD SWIMMER.

THOSE DUMB LETTERS
HAD REASON AND PURPOSE.

YOU KNOW, I FANTASIZED LONG
BEFORE I CAME TO THIS ISLAND

ABOUT YOU AND ME

I EVEN THOUGHT THAT MAYBE MY
LEGS WOULDN'T MATTER TO YOU.

WAS THAT DUMB? NO, IT WASN'T.

DON'T MOVE. STAY THERE.

[CLACKING] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GOOD IN THE WATER.
I FIT IN THE WATER.

BUT YOU SAID, "KEEP REACHING
HIGHER. DON'T LET ANYONE LIMIT YOU."

YOU SAID YOU'D HANG IN THERE

AND KEEP TRYING.

YOU SAID, "WITH
LOVE IN YOUR HEART

AND FAITH IN YOUR MIND,
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING."

YOU SEE? YOU WERE RIGHT?

IT'S NOT BAD FOR A GIRL WHO
WAS LYING THERE WAITING TO DIE

WHEN A DUMB LETTER
FROM A CONVICT SHOWED UP.

[CHUCKLES]

YOU KNOW, IT TOOK
A BEAUTIFUL MAN

TO WRITE THOSE
THOUSANDS OF WORDS.

I'M NOT GOING FOR IT.

YOU DID IT, NOT ME.

I'M NO HERO, AND I'M NO GOD.

I DON'T WANT ANY CREDIT,

AND I SURE DON'T WANT
ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU.

SO JUST FORGET IT.

MIKE?

[MR. ROARKE] LET US GIVE A FANTASTIC
WELCOME TO MR. FREDDY WELLER.

♪♪ [GUITAR]

♪ I WANNA GO TO FANTASY ISLAND ♪

♪ FANTASY ISLAND ♪

♪ AND LET MY DESIRES RUN FREE ♪

♪ I WANNA GO WHERE
THERE'S NOTHING BUT FUN ♪

♪ AND I CAN BECOME SOMEONE
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ♪

♪ I SEE ME NOW ON
FANTASY ISLAND ♪

♪ FANTASY ISLAND ♪

♪ WHERE EVERYONE'S
SMILING WITH ME ♪

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

♪ WITH SOMEONE TO FAN ME ♪

♪ AND SOMEONE TO HAND ME ♪

♪ A DRINK WHEN I WANT IT ♪

♪ AS I LAY BENEATH
THE COCONUT TREE ♪

MAYBE DANNY...

MAYBE DANNY WILL
SHOW UP... [STAMMERS]

MAYBE DANNY WILL GET BACK IN
TIME, AND I WON'T HAVE TO GO ON.

COME ON NOW. YOU'RE
GONNA BE GREAT.

NOW SHH.

♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP
TO FANTASY ISLAND ♪

THANK YOU SO MUCH, MR. WELLER.

YOU SEE, I PROMISED
YOU A PLEASANT SURPRISE.

AND NOW, TO KICK OFF
OUR AMATEUR CONTEST,

YOUR MASTER OF CEREMONIES
FOR THE EVENING IS A YOUNG MAN

WHO WILL BE MAKING HIS OWN
COMEDY DEBUT ON OUR STAGE.

I THINK YOU'LL FIND
HIM MOST AMUSING.

IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

TO PRESENT TO YOU
MR. JERRY BURTON.

♪♪ [FANFARE] [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU, MR. ROARKE,
AND THANKS TO ALL OF YOU.

I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY RIGHT AT THE
OUTSET WHAT A TREMENDOUS THRILL IT IS

TO BE WORKING IN A CLASSY
PLACE LIKE FANTASY ISLAND,

BECAUSE MOST OF THE JOINTS
I WORK IN ARE VERY TOUGH.

AND I'M TALKING TOUGH HERE.

I MEAN, I WORKED IN A
PLACE THAT WAS SO TOUGH,

THE DOORMAN USED TO SHOVE
YOU THROUGH THE MAIL SLOT.

JUST LIKE... LIKE THAT.

AND, UH, THIS PLACE WAS TOUGH. I
SAID TO THE BARTENDER IN THIS PLACE...

I SAID, "HEY, I'M LOOKING
FOR A VERY COLD MARTINI."

HE SHOWED ME A DEAD
ITALIAN IN A MEAT LOCKER.

FREEZER! EXCUSE ME.
IT WAS IN A FREEZER.

IT WASN'T IN THE MEAT
LOCKER THERE, AND, UH...

THE FOOD IN THIS PLACE...
TOUGH FOOD. TOUGH.

THEY HAD A THING THERE
THAT THEY CALL, UM...

THEY CALL IT A
DO-IT-YOURSELF HAM SANDWICH.

LOAF OF BREAD AND A LIVE PIG.

OR A LOAF OF PIG
AND A LIVE BREAD.

I DON'T REMEMBER
WHICH ONE, BUT, UH...

I FOUND A FLY IN MY
SOUP AT THIS PLACE.

HAD CEMENT AROUND ITS FEET.

OR ASPHALT.

BUT THIS IS TOUGH.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT
AS TOUGH AS THIS.

BUT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FIRST
CONTESTANT ON THE AMATEUR NIGHT BILL.

HE IS THE ONE MAN ON FANTASY
ISLAND WITH A ONE-MAN BAND.

COME ON OUT HERE, DON.

♪ ROCK IT, ROLL IT, WE'RE
GONNA ROCK IT EVERYWHERE ♪

YOU WERE WONDERFUL.

OH, SURE. THEY
LOVED ME. [LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY THEY DIDN'T LAUGH.

MARY, I... I CAN'T GET TO THEM.

I'M NOT FUNNY.

NOT THE WAY DANNY IS.

THERE IS ONLY ONE DANNY BAKER.

BUT THERE IS ALSO
ONLY ONE JERRY BURTON.

DON'T TRY TO DO YOUR MATERIAL
THE WAY DANNY WOULD DO IT.

BE YOURSELF.

♪ ROCK AND ROLL, ROCK AND ROLL ♪

♪ ROCK IT, ROLL IT ♪

♪ WE'RE GONNA ROLL
IT EVERYWHERE ♪

♪ ROCK AND ROLL, ROCK AND ROLL ♪

♪ ROCK IT, ROLL
IT, ROCK AND ROLL ♪

♪♪ [DRUM]

BOSS, DANNY BAKER IS BACK.

HE'S GONNA KILL JERRY.

THANK YOU, DON. WHAT'S THIS?

LOOKS LIKE A KNOCKWURST WRAPPED
IN A FRENCH FLAG. WHO NEEDS IT?

[CHUCKLING]

HEY, LISTEN, FOLKS. YOU KNOW,
DON IS NOT A PROFESSIONAL MUSICIAN.

HE IS ACTUALLY A V.I.P...
VERY IMPORTANT PERSON.

HE'S GOT 5,000 PEOPLE UNDER HIM.

MOWS LAWNS IN A CEMETERY.

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

UM, YOU ALL KNOW MR. TATTOO.

HE'S A WONDERFUL
GUY. SO IS MR. ROARKE.

THEY GAVE ME A BIG
OPPORTUNITY HERE TONIGHT...

AND I'M BLOWING IT.

I'M... I'M SORRY.

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

HEY, BURTON, DO YOU KNOW YOU
HAPPEN TO BE MY FAVORITE COMEDIAN?

DANNY, IS THAT YOU?

[DANNY] NO, IT'S FIDEL CASTRO,

BUT SINCE I SHAVED, NOBODY
KNOWS ME. [LAUGHTER]

OF COURSE IT'S ME,
SILLY, IN THE FLESH.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MR. DANNY BAKER.

[APPLAUSE]

WELL, I DON'T CARE
ABOUT ANYTHING.

I THINK YOU'RE HILARIOUS.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS
GONNA SEND YOU A FAN LETTER.

WHY COULDN'T YOU
SEND ME A FAN LETTER?

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO
SPELL... [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

[LAUGHTER]

LISTEN, DANNY, I'M NOT GONNA
GET INTO A BATTLE OF WITS WITH YOU.

YEAH, WHY NOT? BECAUSE I
NEVER FIGHT AN UNARMED MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS, YOU HAVE
TO ADMIRE A MAN LIKE DANNY BAKER.

HE HAS PROBABLY THE FINEST
COMEDY MIND IN THE WORLD.

THAT'S TRUE. UNFORTUNATELY,
IT HAPPENS TO BE IN MY HEAD.

HEY, DANNY, COME
ON. ISN'T THAT TRUE?

HAVEN'T I WRITTEN ALL YOUR
LINES FOR THE LAST EIGHT YEARS?

WELL, I CAN'T ANSWER
THAT RIGHT NOW.

WHY NOT? BECAUSE YOU
DIDN'T GIVE ME ANYTHING TO SAY.

BUT I DON'T NEED A
WRITER TO SAY THIS, KID,

AND THIS COMES
RIGHT FROM THE GUT.

YOU MAKE ME SICK. [LAUGHTER]

BUT SERIOUSLY, JERRY, WHY
DON'T YOU TELL THE FOLKS

WHAT YOU REALLY AND
TRULY THINK OF ME, HUH?

I'D BE GLAD TO, DANNY.

I ALWAYS LOOK UPON YOU
AS MY MELANCHOLY BABY.

YOUR MELANCHOLY BABY.

HEAD LIKE A MELON,
FACE LIKE A COLLIE.

HEY, LOOK, I'M
MAKING THEM LAUGH.

NO, WE'RE MAKING THEM LAUGH, TOGETHER,
AND WE'LL GO ON DOING IT THIS WAY.

THIS IS GREAT. HEY, HOW
ABOUT THIS FANTASY ISLAND?

IS THIS SOME TERRIFIC
ISLAND? SOME...

AND WHAT ABOUT THIS
HOTEL? WHAT A HOTEL.

LISTEN, I WOULDN'T WANT TO SAY
THE BELLBOYS ARE TIP-HUNGRY,

BUT WHEN I ORDERED A DECK
OF CARDS, THEY MADE 52 TRIPS.

52 TRIPS!

AND THE ROOMS. YOU BELIEVE
HOW SMALL THESE ROOMS ARE?

SMALL ROOMS. MY
ROOM IS SO SMALL.

[WITH AUDIENCE] HOW
SMALL IS YOUR ROOM?

MY ROOM IS SO SMALL,
WHEN YOU GET INTO BED,

THE DOORKNOB GETS
IN THERE WITH YOU.

AND YOU GOTTA GO OUT IN THE
HALLWAY TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.

RIGHT. MY ROOM IS SO SMALL,
EVEN THE MICE ARE HUNCHBACKED.

TERRIFIC!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I WAS HOPING YOU'D COME.

THERE'S SOMETHING
I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

YOUR LETTERS DID ME GOOD TOO.

I'VE BEEN BAD SINCE
THE DAY I WAS BORN.

AND AFTER YOU, I STARTED
TO STRAIGHTEN MY ACT OUT.

I STOPPED TAKING
THINGS FROM GUYS.

I STOPPED INTIMIDATING PEOPLE.

I WAS WHAT YOU'D
CALL A MODEL PRISONER

UNTIL THAT GUARD
GAVE ME THAT HASSLE.

WHAT HAPPENED BACK
AT THE SWIMMING POOL?

WHY'D YOU LEAVE ME?

YOU JUST SCARED ME.

HOW?

WELL, YOU THOUGHT I
DID SOMETHING GREAT,

AND I DIDN'T.

I'M NOT ALWAYS
FAITH-FILLED AND STRONG,

AND I CAN GET WEAK, SCARED.

YOU STARTED TO DEPEND ON ME.

I WAS AFRAID ONE
DAY YOU'D TURN TO ME,

AND I COULDN'T DELIVER
WHEN YOU NEEDED ME MOST.

I NEEDED YOU WHEN YOU
WROTE THAT FIRST LETTER,

AND I NEEDED YOU DESPERATELY WHEN
YOU WALKED IN HERE AND SAT DOWN.

YOU'VE ALWAYS DELIVERED
WHEN I NEEDED YOU.

YEAH, BUT DON'T
YOU SEE? ALL THAT...

THAT FAITH STUFF AND REACHING
HIGH AND ALL THAT... THAT'S...

THAT CAME FROM INSIDE
OF ME AFTER I KNEW YOU.

DON'T YOU REALIZE WHY
I STOPPED WRITING YOU?

'CAUSE I WAS FALLING
IN LOVE WITH YOU.

THOSE ARE THE NICEST
WORDS I'VE EVER HEARD.

I LOVE YOU TOO.

WE DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A CHANCE.

DON'T WE?

A YEAR AGO, YOU DIDN'T
CARE ABOUT ANYBODY,

AND I WAS A CRIPPLE.

NOW YOU TELL ME YOU LOVE ME,

AND I'VE TAKEN A
COUPLE OF STEPS.

I'D SAY TOGETHER
WE'VE DONE A GREAT JOB.

DO YOU...

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?

HOW AFRAID I AM OF LOSING YOU?

ARE YOU AFRAID
RIGHT THIS MINUTE?

NO.

NEITHER AM I.

CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT WE'LL DO
WHEN THERE'S NO MAILMAN IN THE MIDDLE?

[CHUCKLES]

[MIKE] I WANT TO
THANK YOU, MR. ROARKE.

THREE YEARS SHOULD
GO BY PRETTY FAST

AS LONG AS SHE'S WAITING FOR ME.

OH, YOU MAY NOT HAVE
TO WAIT THREE YEARS.

INFORMATION HAS COME TO LIGHT
THAT THE GUARD WAS RESPONSIBLE

FOR THE INCIDENT THAT
PREVENTED YOUR PAROLE,

AND THEY'VE SENT ANOTHER
MARSHAL FROM JAPAN

TO TAKE YOU BACK FOR
A NEW PAROLE HEARING.

[TOGETHER] NO MORE MAILMAN.

WELL, I LEARNED A GREAT
LESSON, MR. ROARKE.

NEVER LET TATTOO
SET UP YOUR BOAT TRIPS.

YOU MIGHT NOT MAKE
IT BACK TO SHORE.

BUT I'M REALLY GLAD
IT HAPPENED, THOUGH.

IT MADE ME REALIZE THAT
JERRY WAS MORE THAN JUST A KID,

AND IF I'D LET HIM GO WHEN
HIS CONTRACT RAN OUT,

I'D BE LOSING THE
BEST PART OF MY ACT.

GOOD-BYE, MR. ROARKE.

GOOD-BYE, MR. BAKER.

GOOD-BYE, MR. ROARKE.
THANKS FOR ME TOO.

OH, A PLEASURE, MR. BURTON.

BYE-BYE. GOOD-BYE.

[WOMEN GIGGLING]

AND THANKS FOR MAKING
MY FANTASY COME TRUE TOO.

I GUESS I'VE BEEN IN LOVE
WITH JERRY SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

[GIGGLING CONTINUES]

[BING CROSBY'S VOICE] ♪
TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL ♪

♪ TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LI ♪

♪ TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL ♪

♪ HUSH, NOW DON'T YOU CRY ♪

HEY, BOSS, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?

AMAZING. TATTOO, I TAKE IT BACK.

THAT IS THE BEST BING CROSBY
IMPERSONATION I HAVE EVER HEARD.

PLEASE SING SOME
MORE. PLEASE, PLEASE.

♪ OVER IN KILLARNEY ♪

♪ MANY YEARS AGO ♪

♪ MY MOTHER SANG A SONG TO ME ♪

♪ IN TONES SO SOFT AND LOW ♪

[RECORD SCRATCHING] ♪
AND LOW ♪ ♪ AND LOW ♪

♪ AND LOW ♪
♪ AND LOW ♪

♪ AND LOW ♪

♪ AND LOW ♪
♪ AND LOW ♪

♪ AND LOW ♪
♪ AND LOW ♪

♪ AND LOW ♪
♪ AND LOW ♪

♪ AND LOW ♪
[CHITTERING]

♪ AND LOW ♪

♪ AND LOW ♪

♪ AND LOW ♪

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

CLOSED-CAPTIONED BY J.R.
MEDIA SERVICES, INC. BURBANK, CA