Fantasy Island (1977–1984): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Big Dipper/The Pirate - full transcript

THE PLANE! THE PLANE!

WELL, TATTOO.

HOW'S OUR MAIL ORDER
HABERDASHER THIS MORNING?

VERY GOOD, BOSS.

DO I HAVE A GREAT
BARGAIN FOR YOU.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
A GREAT CASHMERE SUIT

FOR ONLY $43?

$43?

YES.

FOR CASHMERE?

YES.



HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY
SELL AT THAT PRICE?

WE WORK ON A VERY LOW MARGIN.

FOR ONLY A FEW DOLLARS,
YOU CAN GET ALL THE EXTRAS.

IT'S ALL RIGHT IN HERE. LOOK.

TATTOO, YOUR COMPANY
CONSIDERS BUTTONS,

POCKETS AND SLEEVES AS EXTRAS?

NO. THAT WAS MY IDEA.

I CALL IT THE LOW
BALL SALES APPROACH.

OH, I SEE.

WELL, NOW TELL ME WHAT
WOULD THE SUIT COST

WITH SUCH FRILLS AS ZIPPERS,
LAPELS AND PANT LEGS?

THAT ALL DEPENDS, BOSS.

IF YOU WANT LAPELS OR
SLEEVES ON BOTH SIDES OR NOT?

I CONSIDER THIS INCIDENT CLOSED.



BOSS.

BOSS!

BOSS, WAIT FOR ME!

HEY, BOSS!

SMILES, EVERYONE. SMILES.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

WHO ARE THEY, BOSS?

THAT GENTLEMAN IS THE RIGHT
REVEREND HIRAM HOLLISTER

OF CLEVELAND, OHIO.

YOU MUST BE KIDDING.
WHAT'S HIS FANTASY?

THE REVEREND WISHES
TO SPEND THE WEEKEND

ON THE FONDLY REMEMBERED
FARM WHERE HE WAS RAISED.

WHICH UNFORTUNATELY
IS NOW A SHOPPING CENTER

IN THE GREATER CLEVELAND AREA.

AS YOU CAN SEE, HE'S BROUGHT
HIS DAUGHTER WITH HIM.

THEY DON'T LOOK
TOO HAPPY TO BE HERE.

OH, I'M SURE IT'S
JUST NERVES, TATTOO.

PERHAPS THEY DON'T LIKE FLYING.

YOU SURE HE'S A REVEREND?

HE LOOKS A LITTLE SHIFTY TO ME.

INDEED.

PERHAPS THERE IS
SOMETHING WORRYING HIM.

OH, HERE IS SOMEONE WHO
SHOULD INTEREST YOU, TATTOO.

MR. TED CAVANAUGH OF
SAUSALITO, CALIFORNIA.

HE'S QUITE A CELEBRATED PAINTER.

YOU DON'T MEAN THAT PAINTER?

THE ONE WHO LET THE
WILD GORILLA LOOSE

IN HIS ART SHOW?

A PET GORILLA, TATTOO.

MR. CAVANAUGH SAID
HIS APE APPRECIATED ART

AS MUCH AS ANYONE.

WHAT'S HIS FANTASY?

OH, VERY SIMPLE.

HE WISHES TO BECOME A
ROMANTIC, ADVENTUROUS

SWASHBUCKLING PIRATE.

HIM? A PIRATE?

WHAT FOR?

TO SWEEP THE LADY HE
LOVES, HIS FORMER WIFE,

OFF HER FEET AGAIN.

HOW ROMANTIC.

IS SHE HERE? I DON'T SEE HER.

OH, SHE'S ON THE ISLAND ALREADY.

BUT IT'S NOT GOING
TO BE QUITE AS EASY

AS YOU MIGHT THINK.

YOU SEE, THE LADY IS SCHEDULED
TO BE MARRIED TO ANOTHER MAN.

TODAY.

BOSS, NOT THAT WEDDING.

OH, BOSS.

THOSE PEOPLE PAID A LOT
OF MONEY FOR THAT WEDDING.

MY DEAR GUESTS,

I AM MR. ROARKE, YOUR HOST.

WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS PLACE IS?

I DON'T KNOW.

LOOKS LIKE SOME KIND OF RESORT.

BOY, PICKING THE
POCKET OF A PREACHER

REALLY GOT US IN
THE SOUP THIS TIME.

[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ME?

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT
PUT THE STALL ON HIM.

WELL, HOW DID I
KNOW WHAT HE WAS?

HE WASN'T WEARING NO COLLAR.

BESIDES, YOU DIPPED
HIM, AND THAT'S BAD LUCK.

I'D A SLIPPED IT BACK,

BUT I SAW THAT BUNKO
COP BEARING DOWN ON US.

COME ON, HARMONY.
COULD BE WORSE.

TICKET IN HIS WALLET
GOT US HERE, DIDN'T IT?

YEAH, BUT I'M WORRIED, PETEY.

YOU KNOW THAT COP WANTS
TO TAKE ME AWAY FROM YOU.

WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE

BEFORE THOSE CREEPS
FIGURE OUT WE'RE RINGERS.

OK, OK, BUT WE
NEED A STAKE FIRST.

AND THIS PLACE IS
LOADED WITH PIGEONS.

YOU SURE YOU
WON'T FOUL UP AGAIN?

FOUL UP? ME?

I'M THE SMOOTHEST
CANNON IN THE BUSINESS,

AND YOU KNOW IT.

THEN HOW COME SERGEANT
BROYLAN'S BUSTED YOU FOUR TIMES?

THE BREAKS. JUST THE BREAKS.

LOOK AT THOSE.

THOSE AREN'T HANDS,
THEY'RE INSTRUMENTS, RIGHT?

[SIGHS]

COME ON, BABY.

WHO'S THE BEST DIPPER?

WHO, BABY?

OH, YOU ARE.

AND WHO LOVES YOU?

WELL, IF YOU EVER
GET DOWN TEXAS WAY

I WANT YOU ALL TO BE
SURE AND GIVE ME A CALL.

WOULD YOU DO THAT?

ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT
SOMETHING OVER HERE.

WOULD YOU MIND GIVING
THESE LADIES A NICE DRINK?

WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, LITTLE LADY?

GEE, I'M REAL SORRY.

DON'T GIVE IT ANOTHER THOUGHT.

ENJOYING YOURSELF,
MR. HOLLISTER?

WHAT IS THAT?

AH, I JUST PICKED IT UP.

WHERE IS YOUR LOST
AND FOUND DEPARTMENT?

OH, HOW VERY
CONSIDERATE, REVEREND.

BUT UH, THE
GENTLEMAN WHO LOST IT

IS RIGHT THERE.

MR. WATSON? I
BELIEVE THIS IS YOURS.

OH, WELL, THANK YOU.

OH, NO, NO. REVEREND
HOLLISTER DESERVES THE THANKS.

WELL, I'M IN YOUR DEBT, PARSON.

IF IT'S NOT AGAINST
YOUR PRINCIPLES,

I'D LIKE THE HONOR
OF BUYING YOU A DRINK.

WHY NOT?

I UH, TRY TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND

ON SINNERS AND TAX COLLECTORS.

I'M UH, CURIOUS.

JUST UH, WHAT IS A
PARSON'S FANTASY?

FANTASY?

REVEREND HOLLISTER'S FANTASY

IS ONE TO BE
ADMIRED, MR. WATSON.

HE WISHES TO RETURN TO THE SOIL.

TO SPEND THE WEEKEND IN A
FARM LIKE THE ONE HE GREW UP ON.

ONCE AGAIN MILKING
COWS, PLOWING FIELDS.

SLOPPING PIGS.

ME AND DADDY ARE SURE LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT, MR. ROARKE.

GOOD. WHY DON'T YOU
ENJOY SOME LUNCH,

AND IN AN HOUR, I'LL PICK
YOU UP AT YOUR BUNGALOW

AND UH, YOUR BARNYARD
FANTASY WILL BEGIN.

WILL YOU EXCUSE US. TATTOO.

TALK TO YOU LATER.

WHAT'D YOU TELL HIM THAT FOR?

I'M NOT GONNA WORK ON
ANY FARM THIS WEEKEND.

WELL, MAYBE NOT A WHOLE WEEKEND.

BUT I GOT A FEELING
YOU BETTER AT LEAST

MAKE A STAB AT IT.

UNLESS YOU WANT THOSE
PEOPLE TO FIGURE OUT

WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

[WEDDING MUSIC PLAYS]

IS IT ALL RIGHT TO
WEAR WHITE, MOTHER?

I MEAN, ISN'T THERE A
TRADITION ABOUT WEARING BLUE

THE SECOND TIME AROUND?

WELL, IN YOUR CASE,

THE FIRST TIME WITH THAT
MANIAC SHOULDN'T COUNT.

I KNOW HE'S A
THOUSAND MILES AWAY,

BUT SOMEHOW I ALWAYS EXPECT HIM

TO JUMP OUT OF A
TREE OR SOMETHING.

MOTHER, IF HE DOES,
I'LL PERSONALLY KILL HIM.

MR. ROARKE, YOU WOULDN'T
BELIEVE SOME OF THE CRAZY THINGS

CAVANAUGH USED TO DO.

OH, INDEED.

MR. ROARKE, THAT MANIAC
HAS SCARED OFF EVERY MAN

WHO'S EVER BEEN
INTERESTED IN MY MARY.

ALL EXCEPT FOR DONALD
GIDDING, OF COURSE.

AND THANK GOD, HE'S THE PRIZE.

AND IN JUST 5 MINUTES,
YOU WILL BE MRS. GIDDING.

IF ONLY YOUR FATHER
WAS STILL ALIVE.

YOU'RE FORGETTING.
DADDY LIKED CAVANAUGH.

WELL, I MEAN, NO ONE IS PERFECT.

UH, SHALL WE, MRS. DEVERE.

[WEDDING MARCH PLAYS]

UP THERE. GET ME UP.

[PLAYING WEDDING MARCH]

OK...

HERE I GO. HOLD IT.

MY DEAR FRIENDS.

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY,

TO JOIN MARY AND DONALD

TOGETHER IN HOLY MATRIMONY.

IF THERE IS ANYONE PRESENT

WHO KNOWS WHY THESE
TWO SHOULD NOT BE WED,

LET HIM SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER...

I KNOW WHY NOT!

[CROWD GASPS]

DID SOMEONE SPEAK?

THEY SHOULDN'T GET MARRIED

BECAUSE DONALD GIDDING IS
A POMPOUS, 14-CARAT TURKEY!

IT'S HIM. IT'S HIM! THE MANIAC!

OH, MY GOD. IT'S CAVANAUGH.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE CALLED ME?

[TARZAN YELL]

[GUNSHOT]

SOMEBODY STOP THAT LUNATIC!

AHA!

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT!

THAT'S YOU BEHIND
THAT EYE PATCH,

ISN'T IT, CAVANAUGH?

SOME CALL ME THE SEAHAWK.

MASTER OF MY OWN SHIP. BUT...

YOUR SERVANT, MY LADY.

DO YOU REALIZE, SIR,
THERE'S A WEDDING GOING ON?

YES. YES, I DO.

AND I MUST SAY, A VERY
FINE CHOICE FOR A BRIDE.

VERY FINE.

COME, MY DEAR.

BRING HER ALONG.

[SCREAMS]

PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN!

HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN?

HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN?!

BOSS, IF THEY EVER FIND OUT

THAT YOU SET UP
THE WHOLE THING...

STOP, BLACKHEART, STOP!

MADAM, I'M JUST AS DEEPLY
SHOCKED AS YOU ARE.

SHOCKED!

[MR. ROARKE] HERE IT IS.

LIKE YOU DESCRIBED
IT IN YOUR LETTER.

[HARMONY] THIS IS REALLY NEAT.

FIELDS WAITING TO BE
PLOWED AND SEEDED.

A PEN OF PURE BRED HOGS.

CHICKENS TO BE FED, AND
EGGS TO BE COLLECTED.

THIS IS THE HOUSE WHERE
YOU WILL BE STAYING.

LOOKS JUST LIKE I
ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WOULD.

AS YOU REQUESTED,

EVERYTHING REQUIRED
FOR A VIGOROUS WEEKEND

OF FRUITFUL LABOR
IN GOD'S COUNTRY

HAVE BEEN PROVIDED.

OH, HOW I ENVY YOUR TASTE

FOR THE BEAUTY OF
SIMPLICITY, REVEREND.

THIS WAY.

AFTER YOU, REVEREND.

EVERYTHING YOU
DREAMED OF, HUH, DAD?

HOW LONG ARE WE IN FOR?

I MEAN, HOW LONG CAN WE STAY?

OH, UH, WE WON'T DISTURB YOU

TILL MONDAY MORNING.

WE'D BETTER HURRY, BOSS.

THERE IS A NEW YORK DETECTIVE
COMING ON THE NEXT PLANE.

HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

UH, YES.

WELL, ENJOY YOURSELVES.

AND REMEMBER, OUR DINING ROOM

WILL BE HAPPY TO BUY
ANY EGGS OR VEGETABLES

YOU CARE TO SELL.

HAVE A BLESSED AND
GLORIOUS WEEKEND, REVEREND.

HARMONY.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE
WE'RE STUCK HERE.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I TOLD YOU BEFORE,

I'M NOT ABOUT TO WORK MY CAN OFF

SLOPPING HOGS.

NOW COME ON, LET'S
GO FIND THAT MARK.

NO.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IF IT IS BROYLAN ON THAT PLANE,

FARM'S THE LAST PLACE
HE'LL LOOK FOR US.

PETEY, THAT ROARKE'S NO DUMMY.

IF WE DON'T PLAY THE PART,

HE'LL CHECK AND FIND
OUT WHO WE REALLY ARE.

COME ON, PETEY. WE
GOTTA MAKE IT LOOK GOOD.

OR ELSE.

ALL SHIPS AT SEA.

ANYTHING ELSE, CAPTAIN?

UH, NO, THANKS, BENTON.

I STILL SAY IT'S
WARMER DOWN BELOW.

IN YOUR CABIN? I'D
RATHER WALK THE PLANK.

HEY, YOU REMEMBER
WHEN WE WERE KIDS,

WE USED TO PLAY
PIRATE ON THE LAKE?

WE WERE CHILDREN.

AND THAT OLD BARGE.

IT WAS FILTHY.

AND I WAS THE CAPTAIN,
AND YOU WERE MY FIRST MATE.

BOY, THOSE WERE MAGIC TIMES.

THEY WERE THE BEST.

THE WORST.

THAT'S WHEN YOU FIRST LOVED ME.

CHILDHOOD ILLUSIONS, CAVANAUGH.

THAT YEAR WE GOT MARRIED,
WE WERE JUST BIG CHILDREN.

ISN'T THERE ONE MOMENT YOU
REMEMBER WITH ME FONDLY?

OF COURSE.

I'D BE LYING IF I SAID NO.

SEE? WHAT IS IT?

THE DIVORCE.

SMART ALECK.

DON'T YOU GET IT, CAVANAUGH?

I HATE YOU, AND I ALWAYS WILL.

HEY, THAT'S PRETTY
STRONG LANGUAGE.

OH, MILD.

I ACTUALLY DETEST YOU.

WELL, I'M YOUR HUSBAND.

YOU ARE NOT! WE'RE DIVORCED.

A TECHNICALITY.

YOU'RE ALREADY UNDER COURT ORDER

TO LEAVE ME ALONE, CAVANAUGH.

HOW LONG DO YOU THINK
YOU CAN CARRY THIS OFF

BEFORE THE POLICE CART YOU AWAY?

CART ME AWAY?

THE SEAHAWK FEARS NOTHING.

CAVANAUGH, YOU'RE
NOT ERROL FLYNN.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
NOBODY IS ANYMORE.

I GUESS THAT'S WHAT'S
WRONG WITH THE WORLD.

YOU KNOW, I CAN SEE YOU
WANTING TO GET MARRIED AGAIN.

YOU ADMIT IT. YOU ADMIT
WE'RE NOT MARRIED.

BUT TO A STIFF LIKE GIDDING.

THAT'S CRUEL, CAVANAUGH.

AND IT'S NOT VERY FAIR.

DONALD IS A... WELL, HE
MAY BE CONVENTIONAL,

BY YOUR BIZARRE STANDARDS,

BUT HE'S STRONG, AND DEPENDABLE.

AND I HATE YOU FOR
RUINING MY WEDDING.

MARY...

MARY, IF YOU REALLY MEAN THAT,

THEN LIFE HAS NO MEANING FOR ME.

I MEAN IT.

OK. OK.

OK.

YOU HAVE SEALED MY FATE.

GONNA JUMP, CAVANAUGH? HOORAY!

AU REVOIR, DARLING.

THIS IS GOODBYE.

GOODBYE, DARLING.

THIS IS IT.

MAN OVERBOARD! MAN OVERBOARD!

TED! TED!

YOU CALLED ME TED.

ANOTHER TRICK. I
SHOULD'VE KNOWN.

YOU WANT TO PLAY ROUGH, HUH?

[CRASH]

AH... OH...

AH... AH...

ARE YOU OK?

OF COURSE I'M NOT OK.

EVERY MUSCLE IN
MY BODY HATES ME.

I AM ONE MOUNTAIN OF PAIN.

AND JUST LOOK AT
THESE. THEY'RE RUINED.

PROBABLY MONTHS
GETTING THEM BACK IN SHAPE.

YEAH. THE WHOLE
THING'S BEEN A BUMMER.

BUT MAYBE A GUY
COULD GET USED TO IT.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

OH, I DON'T MEAN US.

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING.

NOT MUCH. BUT SOMETHING
TO BE SAID FOR IT.

ISN'T THERE?

I KNOW THIS SOUNDS DUMB, PETEY.

BUT DOESN'T THIS PLACE
REMIND YOU OF SOMETHING?

WHAT?

REMEMBER WHEN I WAS LITTLE?

YOU USED TO SAY WE'D HAVE
A PLACE LIKE THIS SOME DAY.

REMEMBER?

OH, BOY.

I'M IN AGONY, AND YOU
TELL ME JUNK LIKE THAT.

IT WAS JUST A BEDTIME STORY

TO MAKE YOU SHUT
UP AND GO TO SLEEP.

BOSS, THE NEW YORK COP.
HE'S WAITING OUTSIDE AGAIN.

SHOULD I LET HIM IN,

OR SHOULD I TELL HIM
YOU'RE STILL BUSY?

NO, HE'S BEEN
WAITING LONG ENOUGH.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD SEE HIM.

OH, AND TATTOO, PLEASE, PLEASE.

IT'S NOT COP. IT'S
POLICE OFFICER.

COME IN, POLICE OFFICER COPS.

THANK YOU.

HELLO, MR. ROARKE.
SERGEANT BROYLAN.

NYPD BUNKO SQUAD.

YES, YES, SO I UNDERSTAND.

SIT DOWN, SERGEANT.
PLEASE. SIT DOWN.

WELL, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

WELL, I THINK IT'S MORE
WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU

IN PROTECTING THE
VALUABLES OF YOUR GUESTS.

OH?

YOU SEE, MR. ROARKE,

I HAVE TRACED A
NOTORIOUS PICKPOCKET

TO YOUR ISLAND.

HIS NAME IS PETEY RAVEN.

PICKPOCKET?

NOW THIS CANNON USUALLY
TRAVELS WITH HIS KID.

HE'S TRAINED HER
TO BE HIS STALL.

I SEE.

UH, TELL ME SOMETHING, SERGEANT.

ISN'T IT RATHER UNUSUAL

TO CHASE A PETTY THIEF SO FAR?

IT'S BECAUSE A KID'S INVOLVED.

YOU SEE, MR. ROARKE,

UNDER THE HABITUAL CRIMINAL LAW,

THE JUDGE HAS CAUTIONED PETEY

THAT HE'LL PUT THE
GIRL IN A FOSTER HOME

IF HE EVER SLIPS AGAIN.

I SEE. SO UH, YOU ARE DOING
IT FOR THE CHILD'S OWN GOOD.

MM-HMM. FOR THE CHILD.

FOR SOCIETY.

YES, SERGEANT.
THESE TWO ARE HERE.

WELL.

SHOW ME WHERE THEY ARE,
AND WE'LL MAKE THE COLLAR NOW.

OH, NOT SO FAST. NOT SO FAST.

I MUST REMIND YOU THAT
THE NEW YORK POLICE

HAVE NO AUTHORITY ON
FANTASY ISLAND, SERGEANT.

I DON'T GET YOU, MR. ROARKE.

ARE YOU TRYING TO
HELP THEM IN SOME WAY?

HARDLY.

COMING HERE UNDER
FALSE PRETENSES,

THEY HAVE ALSO DEFRAUDED ME.

BE ASSURED I'LL SEE THEY
GET WHAT'S COMING TO THEM.

LET'S SEE, ANIPUS, YELLOW WHITE,

ARTURIS...

HARAWORN.

REGAL.

COOL BLUE WHITE.

THEY ALL LOOK WHITE TO ME.

NO, NO, THAT'S AN ILLUSION.

YOU GOTTA SEE 'EM
THROUGH A TELESCOPE.

YOU'RE A FUNNY MAN, CAVANAUGH.

THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU,

YOU WERE DEEP INTO VAN GOGH.

HIS FRIENDS CALLED HIM VINCENT.

THIS STARRY NIGHT
GOT ME INTERESTED.

AND YOU GOT MY VERY
BEST STARRY NIGHT REPRO,

REMEMBER, ON MY 30TH BIRTHDAY.

I REMEMBER.

YOU DO?

YOU FOUND A GRAY HAIR.

YEAH, WELL, TAKE
A LOOK. IT'S GONE.

I CUT IT OUT. ROOT AND BRANCH.

NO GRAY HAIR.

CAVANAUGH, YOU'RE CERTIFIABLE.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

HOW COME YOU ONLY
CALL ME BY MY FIRST NAME

WHEN YOU THINK I'M DEAD?

I GUESS IT'S BECAUSE
YOU'RE AN ARTIST.

LAST NAME SIGNATURES.

MMM.

YOU REMEMBER WHEN I
SOLD MY FIRST PAINTING?

YOU WERE THERE.

A COFFEE SHOP?

I GUESS IT WAS A SALE.

OH, YEAH, IT WAS A SALE.

I MEAN, THEY TOOK IT FOR GOOD
AND VALUABLE CONSIDERATION.

ONLY BECAUSE WE DIDN'T
HAVE ENOUGH MONEY

TO PAY FOR THE HAMBURGERS
WE ATE THAT MONTH.

I GUESS IT WASN'T ALL
BAD, CAVANAUGH. YEAH.

YOU WANT TO DANCE?

YOU TRYING TO
SEDUCE ME, CAVANAUGH?

NO, NO. JUST A DANCE.

I WOULDN'T TRY THAT.

COME ON. NICE MUSIC.

OK. BUT WE'LL JUST DANCE.

JUST DANCE.

JUST A NICE, FRIENDLY DANCE.

I DID LIKE YOU ONCE, CAVANAUGH.

MM-HMM.

BUT ONLY IN YOUR SANER MOMENTS.

MM-HMM.

I MAYBE EVEN LOVED YOU A LITTLE.

YEAH? WELL, I'VE
ALWAYS LOVED YOU.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO.

I KNOW.

YOU WANT ME TO MOVE INTO
YOUR CABIN WITH YOU, DON'T YOU,

AND SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT.

NO.

I ALMOST COULD THE
WAY I FEEL RIGHT NOW.

MMM... WHY DON'T YOU?

BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T
BE FAIR TO DONALD.

DONALD?

DAMN.

TO HELL WITH DONALD.

DONALD DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

ALL DONALD CARES ABOUT
IS THE MILLIONS HE INHERITED.

I CARE ABOUT YOU.

YOU'RE NOT BEING FAIR.

SUPPOSE I DID STAY
WITH YOU TONIGHT.

COMES THE MORN, FAIRY MAGIC
GONE WITH THE CHAMPAGNE

AND WE'D BE AT EACH
OTHER'S THROATS AGAIN.

WELL... I NEVER PROMISED
YOU A ROSE GARDEN.

BUT THEN AGAIN,

WE'RE NOT ROSES, ARE WE?

CUTE.

YOU KNOW, CAVANAUGH,

IF YOU TRULY LOVED
ME, YOU'D LET ME GO.

OK. UH, I UH...

I'M SORRY, I UH...

I THOUGHT I COULD MAKE YOU
FALL IN LOVE WITH ME AGAIN.

CRAZY THOUGHT.

I'LL TAKE YOU BACK
IN THE MORNING.

MORNING GLORY, THIS IS SPOTTER.

COME IN, MORNING GLORY.

WHAT IS IT, BENTON?

WE GOT THE PIGEON
WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

PIGEON? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THERE'S A GAL ABOARD SHIP

WORTH A COUPLE
MILLION TO SOMEONE.

COME AND PICK HER UP.

OH, I AM SO PLEASED TO SEE

THAT THE FARMING LIFE
REALLY AGREES WITH YOU TWO.

OH, YES, IT'S JUST PEACHY.

WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL.

UH, TATTOO, MAY I
BE OF ANY SERVICE?

NO, THANK YOU, BOSS.

I TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS

WITH THE REVEREND
AND HIS DAUGHTER.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

THAT'S 12 CARTONS OF EGGS.

TRIPLE A AND SUPER FRESH.

JUST LIKE THOSE RADISHES.

THEY DON'T LOOK FRESH TO ME.

THEN YOU'RE LOOKING WRONG.

I PICKED 'EM THIS MORNING.

YOU'RE LUCKY TO
GET GOODS LIKE THESE.

ALL RIGHT. THAT
MAKES SIX CRATES,

PLUS THE EGGS, THAT'S UH...

$37.

I CAN OFFER YOU
CASH OF $60 IN TRADE.

TRADE FOR WHAT?

A FULL, REAL CASHMERE
SUIT FOR YOUR FATHER.

THANKS, BUT WE'LL TAKE CASH.

COME ON. WE GOTTA GET BACK.

WE'LL COLLECT LATER.

I MAKE THE SAME OFFER IN SHOES.

GOOD MORNING.

DID YOU SLEEP WELL?

YES.

AHOY! YOU, IN THE
SMALL BOAT. GIVE AWAY!

IT MUST BE DONALD SAVING ME.

[GUNSHOT]

GET OUT OF HERE!

MAN THE YARD ARM,
OR STAND BY TO REPEL.

WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?

THOSE GUYS ARE
SHOOTING REAL BULLETS.

LOOK OUT.

ABANDON SHIP!

LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

THIS IS ONE OF YOUR
TRICKS, ISN'T IT, CAVANAUGH.

I WISH IT WAS.

JUMP! HELP!

EN GARDE!

I GOT A BETTER ONE FOR YOU.

STICK 'EM UP.

CAVANAUGH.

NO, DON'T BE SCARED, MARY.

SHUT UP. GET IN THE BOAT.

COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON. MOVE ALONG.

COME ON, YOU, TOO, LET'S GO.

THANKS A LOT, I
REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

OH, MR. ROARKE. MR. ROARKE.

AH, MR. JOHNSON, AND
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

HOW AM I, HE ASKS.

THEN I CAN ASSUME
YOU ARE PLEASED

WITH THE FULFILLMENT
OF YOUR FANTASY.

PLEASED IS HARDLY THE WORD.

HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU?

YOUR HAPPINESS,
MR. JOHNSON, IS MY REWARD.

THANK YOU.

MR. JOHNSON. WHAT'S
YOUR FANTASY?

WELL, YOU SEE, MY
FAVORITE TV SHOW

WAS THREE'S COMPANY.

THAT'S WHERE THIS YOUNG MAN

SHARES AN APARTMENT
WITH THESE TWO UH...

LUSCIOUS BEAUTIES,
AND WHAT FUN THEY HAVE.

AND YOU WISH TO DO THE SAME?

RIGHT AS RAIN, TATTOO.

GIRLS, RIGHT THIS WAY, PLEASE.

HELLO. WATCH YOUR STEP.

AH, AH, AH, EXCUSE ME.
ALLOW ME, ALLOW ME.

ALLOW ME. HELLO.
WILL YOU EXCUSE ME.

BOSS, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

ON THE TV SHOW,
THERE ARE TWO GIRLS.

I COUNTED FIVE.

HAVEN'T YOU HEARD?

HEARD WHAT, BOSS?

INFLATION, MY DEAR TATTOO.

INFLATION?

INFLATION.

[BELL RINGS]

WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE ACCOMPLISHING?

WELL, YOU SAW BROYLAN.

I GOTTA GET MY HANDS IN SHAPE

SO I CAN HIT THAT MARK.

WE NEED A STAKE
TO GET OUT OF HERE.

[BELL RINGS]

OH, HARMONY, WHAT
ARE WE GONNA DO?

MAYBE WE COULD STAY
HERE. IT'S A THOUGHT.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

I DON'T THINK IT'S SO CRAZY.

YOU WANT TO LIVE ON A FARM?

OK, I'LL ARRANGE IT.

I'LL SEND YOU TO
YOUR AUNT LAURA'S.

WE GOTTA GET OFF
THIS ISLAND FIRST.

HARMONY, I'M NOT A
FARMER. I'M A PICKPOCKET.

IT'S THE ONLY THING I DO WELL.

YOU'RE RIGHT, I WAS
PLAYING A DUMB, KID GAME

WITH THESE DUMB THINGS.

NOW WHAT GOOD DID THAT DO?

IT HELPED ME MAKE UP MY MIND.

LOOK, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH MY HANDS.

I'LL HIT THE MARK FOR US.

YOU? WITH BROYLAN AROUND?
TALK SENSE, HARMONY.

YOU'RE YEARS AWAY
FROM BEING A PASSABLE DIP.

FACT IS, YOU'RE NOT
EVEN A GOOD STALL YET.

OH, YES, I AM.

AND I CAN DO IT.

HARMONY, COME BACK HERE.

HARMONY, OPEN UP!

COME ON NOW. I'M YOUR DAD.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

HARMONY?

I AM WHAT I AM BECAUSE I
CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE.

DAMN IT, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

I DON'T WANT YOU TO
GROW UP TO BE A THIEF.

HARMONY!

I'M GETTING REAL PUNKED OFF.

HARMONY, NOW OPEN THIS DOOR.

OK, YOU WANT TO GET
STUBBORN? STAY IN THERE.

LET'S GO. COME ON.

YOU EXPECT US TO
STAY IN THIS DUMP?

JUST UNTIL HER BOYFRIEND
PAYS THE RANSOM.

RANSOM?

WHAT RANSOM?

WHAT IF HE DOESN'T
PAY, WHAT THEN?

NOTHING.

YOU BOTH JUST SIMPLY DISAPPEAR.

MAKE YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE.

YOU CAN BE THANKFUL NOW
THAT I MARRIED SOMEBODY

AS PRINCIPLED AND
DEPENDABLE AS DONALD.

HE'LL SAVE YOUR
MISERABLE HIDE, TOO.

THIS MADNESS
CATCHING, CAVANAUGH.

YOU ALMOST HAD ME
GOING THERE AGAIN.

WHY COULDN'T YOU
JUST HAVE LEFT ME ALONE.

I'D BE MARRIED NOW,
AND ON MY HONEYMOON.

I'M REALLY SORRY, MARY.

I NEVER MEANT FOR
ANY OF THIS TO HAPPEN.

YOU NEVER DO.

JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME, OK?

WHENEVER YOU'RE NEAR
ME, THERE'S TROUBLE.

HARMONY?

YOU BEEN IN THERE AN
HOUR. GET OUT HERE.

OH, BABY. DON'T TRY IT.

YOU WANT A GRAPE?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A GRAPE?

WANT A LITTLE
GRAPE? THERE YOU GO.

WELL, YOU DRINK AND BE
MERRY. ISN'T THAT GOOD TASTING?

WANT ANOTHER ONE, YEAH?

HOW ABOUT THAT, ISN'T THAT GOOD?

WANT ANOTHER ONE? HERE YOU GO.

WANT SOME? YEAH,
THAT'S GOOD ISN'T IT, HUH.

THERE YOU GO. MY GOODNESS SAKES.

HAVE SOME MORE.
YEAH. THERE YOU GO.

HEY! GOT YOU!

LET ME GO!

NOT VERY LIKELY, LITTLE LADY.

HERE YOU ARE, SIR.

SO HE'S GOT YOU DOING
THE WORK FOR HIM NOW, HUH?

PLEASE, I COULDN'T
LET PETEY DO IT.

I HAD TO DO IT MYSELF.

WELL, MR. ROARKE.

DO YOU MIND IF I
TAKE CHARGE NOW?

OBVIOUSLY YOU ALREADY HAVE.

PLEASE HELP ME, MR. ROARKE.

I'M SORRY. THERE'S
NOTHING I CAN DO.

DON'T TAKE ME, BROYLAN.

PLEASE.

COME ON.

LET ME GO! LET ME GO!

I'M SORRY, PETEY.

I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING.

THEM IS THE BREAKS,
KID. JUST THE BREAKS.

NO. IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.

BEING HERE. YOUR HANDS.

GETTING YOU ON THAT FARM.

NOW I'M BEING TAKEN
AWAY FROM YOU.

OH, WILL YOU STOP
BLAMING YOURSELF.

CAN I TELL HIM, MR. ROARKE?

YES, I THINK YOU SHOULD.

TELL ME WHAT?

MR. ROARKE WAS HELPING ME.

NOTHING THAT HAPPENED
WAS AN ACCIDENT.

THIS WAS ALL MY FANTASY
FROM THE BEGINNING.

WHAT IS SHE SAYING?

THERE WASN'T EVEN REAL PREACHER.

HE WAS JUST A GUY I HIRED
TO PLANT THE TICKET ON.

SO YOU COULD STEAL IT.

IT WAS ALL JUST TO GET US HERE.

HERE TO FANTASY ISLAND.

IS THIS TRUE?

YES, MR. RAVEN.
EVERY WORD OF IT.

HER GETTING CAUGHT?

BROYLAN COMING HERE
WAS ALL PART OF IT, TOO?

NO. AS YOU SEE, THOSE
WERE JUST THE BREAKS.

WHY?

I KNEW I'D BE TAKEN AWAY
NEXT TIME YOU TUMBLED.

YOU'RE GOOD, PETEY.

BUT THERE'S ALWAYS THE BREAKS.

AND THE GRABS CAN GO SOUR.

THEN I REMEMBERED
YOUR BEDTIME STORIES.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE
MEANT THEM JUST A LITTLE.

YOU COULDN'T GET IN
TROUBLE WORKING ON A FARM.

I JUST WANTED US TO
BE TOGETHER, PETEY.

I HAVE REALLY LET YOU DOWN.

ALL ON THE LINE.

ALL YOUR LIFE.

IT'S TIME TO GO.

SEE YOU, PETEY.

TED?

TED, WHERE ARE YOU?

SHH. SHH.

UNLESS YOU WANT TO WAKE HIM UP.

HOW'D YOU GET THESE OFF?

CAVANAUGH?

I HAD A PALETTE KNIFE
HIDDEN IN MY BOOT.

I'VE BEEN SCRAPING
ROTTEN ADOBE ALL NIGHT.

OK, GET THESE ROPES.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

WHERE?

WHERE? ESCAPE.

WE'RE ESCAPING. LET'S GO.

AND GET SHOT AT?

YOU'RE CRAZY AS USUAL.

I'LL WAIT HERE UNTIL DONALD
COMES WITH THE MONEY.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

DO YOU REALLY THINK HE'S
COMING WITH THE MONEY?

AND IF HE DID, DO YOU
THINK THEY'D LET US GO?

COME ON.

WHY SHOULDN'T THEY? I'M STAYING.

I HAVEN'T GOT TIME TO ARGUE.
WE'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

NO. YOU'RE NOT
KIDNAPPING ME AGAIN.

I AM NOT KIDNAPPING YOU.

I'M SAVING YOU. NOW, COME ON.

LOOK, I'M THE GOOD GUYS.
THE BAD GUYS ARE OUT THERE.

LET'S GO!

HELP! HELP!

NO, PLEASE! DON'T DO THAT!

WHAT... ARE YOU CRAZY?

WHAT'S THE MATTER,
DON'T YOU LIKE THE ROOM?

NO. IT'S THE SERVICE.

WHAT TIME WILL
MR. GIDDING BE HERE FOR ME?

HE WON'T.

MR. GIDDING RADIOED HIS REGRETS

AND SENT HIS DEEP LOVE.

BUT HE SAID IT'S
AGAINST HIS PRINCIPLES

TO PAY RANSOM.

HE SAID YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

OF COURSE I UNDERSTAND.

IT TAKES A STRONG MAN

TO STAND UP FOR HIS PRINCIPLES.

EVEN WHEN IT HURTS.

I ADMIRE HIM FOR THAT.

WONDERFUL.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

IT'S TIME TO DISAPPEAR. COME ON.

BENTON!

BENTON! BENTON!

COME ON, THEY
GOT AWAY. THAT WAY!

HURRY UP!

THERE THEY GO.

[SCREAMS]

NEVER MIND. FORGET IT.

WE BLEW IT.

GROWING FOND OF THE
CHICKENS, MR. RAVEN?

WELL, IT'S NOT A
LOVE AFFAIR YET,

BUT THEY'RE NOT AS BAD
AS I THOUGHT THEY WERE.

I HAD MY CHANCE HERE
TO TURN IT ALL AROUND.

I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND.

MOST OPPORTUNITIES ARE LOST
BECAUSE THEY AREN'T RECOGNIZED.

I'D DO ANYTHING TO
KEEP HER, MR. ROARKE.

ANYTHING.

EVEN GIVE UP PICKING POCKETS?

I GAVE THAT UP BACK IN THE
VISITOR'S ROOM WITH HARMONY.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT CAVANAUGH ANYMORE, MUMSY.

AND AS FOR YOU, DONALD,

IF MARY CAN STAND
YOU, I WASH MY HANDS.

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE NO
GENTLEMEN, CAVANAUGH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU'RE LUCKY WE
DON'T PROSECUTE YOU.

GOODBYE, MARY.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OFF
THIS DREADFUL ISLAND.

WELL, THE CEREMONY
WILL BE SIMPLE,

PROPER AND BRIEF.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, DARLING?
HOW DOES THAT STRIKE YOU?

WITH JUST A FEW
DOZEN CLOSE FRIENDS,

THE RECEPTION AT HOME.

WOULDN'T IT BE MUCH
BETTER? I CAN ARRANGE IT.

WELL, I WANT TO THANK YOU

FOR GIVING ME THE
SHOT, MR. ROARKE.

IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT I BLEW IT.

OH, IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?

I JUST COULDN'T ACCEPT THE FACT

THAT SHE DIDN'T LOVE ME.

ONLY MY OVERSIZED EGO
MADE ME THINK SHE EVER DID.

MARY.

YOU'VE BEEN WRONG ABOUT
EVERYTHING ELSE, CAVANAUGH.

LET'S NOT SPOIL A
PERFECT RECORD NOW.

OH, MARY. OH...

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M DOING THIS.

HIS CRAZINESS MUST BE CATCHING.

IT IS. IT'S DEFINITELY CATCHING.

MY MOTHER AND
DONALD REALLY THINK

CAVANAUGH HAS
KIDNAPPED ME AGAIN?

AS SOON AS THE
PLANE IS IN THE AIR,

I'LL SEE THE SEARCH
PARTY'S CALLED OFF.

SEARCH PARTY?

AS I FIGURED,

THEY SHOULD BE SEVERAL
MILES INTO THE JUNGLE BY NOW.

MR. ROARKE, HOW CAN
WE EVER THANK YOU

FOR HELPING US GET AWAY?

GOODBYE, MR. CAVANAUGH.

BYE. GOODBYE.

GOODBYE.

SEE YOU.

COME ON, YOUNG LADY. LET'S GO.

SERGEANT, MAY I HAVE A WORD.

CERTAINLY.

UH, I'M VERY, VERY
EMBARRASSED TO TELL YOU,

BUT I'M AFRAID
THERE'S A PROBLEM.

I HAD A LONG TALK

WITH THE CHIEF
MAGISTRATE OF THE ISLAND,

AND OH, HE'S SUCH
A STUBBORN MAN,

HE JUST WON'T LET YOU
TAKE THE YOUNG LADY

FROM THE ISLAND.

WHAT?

SOMETHING ABOUT
EXTRADITION PAPERS.

AND UH, YOU DON'T HAVE THEM.

WHAT ABOUT HARMONY?
WHAT'S HE GONNA DO WITH HER?

HE'S TALKING PAROLE.

BUT OF COURSE IT'S CONDITIONAL.

IT SEEMS WE HAVE NO
ONE TO RUN THAT FARM.

SO HIS HONOR THOUGHT
YOU TWO MIGHT DO IT.

IT DOES SOLVE THE
PICKPOCKET PROBLEM,

DOESN'T IT, SERGEANT?

THINK WHAT IT WILL
DO TO HIS HANDS?

WAIT A MINUTE.
WHERE IS THIS JUDGE?

I WANT TO TALK TO HIM.

YOU ARE, SERGEANT.

YOU ARE.

WHAT ABOUT YOU TWO?

I MEAN YOU DON'T WANT TO
SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

ON A FARM HERE.

RIGHT OUT IN THE MIDDLE
OF NOWHERE, DO YOU?

HUH? HUH?

WELL, MR. ROARKE,

I DON'T THINK I'LL
SEE YOU AGAIN.

I DON'T THINK YOU'LL SEE
THEM AGAIN EITHER, SERGEANT.

THANK YOU. ADIOS.

GOODBYE.