Fantasy Island (1977–1984): Season 2, Episode 13 - Vampire/The Lady and the Longhorn - full transcript

[MUSIC]

[PLANE FLYING]

[BELLS RINGING]

THE PLANE! THE PLANE!

TATTOO...

TATTOO... TATTOO!

I'M COMING BOSS, I'M COMING.

GOOD MORNING, BOSS.

I AM SORRY TO BE LATE, BUT MY
BRITCHES KEEP FALLING DOWN.

MIGHT ONE ASK WHY YOU ARE
WEARING THAT RATHER BIZARRE OUTFIT?

OH BOSS, THANKS,
MISS VERA TEMPLETON,



THE MILLIONAIRE LADY WHO
OWNS MOON MADNESS COSMETICS

IS COMING TO
FANTASY ISLAND, RIGHT?

INDEED, SHE IS TATTOO.

AND SHE IS GOING TO FILM
A LIPSTICK COMMERCIAL.

SO?

SO MAYBE SHE IS GOING
TO NEED A DIRECTOR.

AND WHO IS THE MOST QUALIFIED,
TALENTED AND EXPERIENCED FILMMAKER

ON THE ISLAND?

TATTOO, YOU'VE BEEN
FANTASIZING AGAIN.

BOSS, DO YOU KNOW A
BETTER PLACE TO DO SO?

SMILES EVERYONE, SMILES!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

BOSS, HERE SHE COMES,

MISS VERA TEMPLETON OF MOON
MADNESS COSMETICS INCORPORATED.



CORRECT MY FRIEND AND THE LITTLE
GIRL WITH HER IS HER NIECE, TRACY.

SHE HAS RAISED FROM INFANCY.

THE RATHER PROPER
GENTLEMAN IS BENSON,

THE FAMILY BUTLER, CHAUFFEUR,
AND MAN OF ALL WORK.

WELL, I THINK I'D DO
BETTER TO SEE HER

AND SEE IF SHE NEEDS A DIRECTOR.

TATTOO, IT IS JUST POSSIBLE
THAT MISS TEMPLETON MIGHT

FIND USE FOR YOUR
TALENTS ON THE SET,

BUT I MUST TELL YOU THAT
MAKING THE COMMERCIAL

IS NOT HER PRIMARY
PURPOSE FOR BEING HERE.

IT IS NOT?

NO. YOU SEE THE
LADY HAS A FANTASY.

SHE DOES?

MRS. TEMPLETON IS ON
THE VERGE OF BANKRUPTCY,

IT IS THEREFORE, HER FANTASY TO
FIND A HUSBAND WHO IS WEALTHY ENOUGH

TO KEEP HER FROM LOSING
HER BUSINESS AND THUS SAVING

WHAT SHE FEELS IS HER
NIECES RIGHTFUL INHERITANCE.

BECAUSE SHE IS AH AN IMPULSIVE
AND WARM HEARTED LADY,

SHE HAS MADE A GREAT
MANY UNWISE INVESTMENTS.

INCLUDING LOANS TO PEOPLE WHO
HAD NO INTENTION OF PAYING HER BACK.

[TATTOO] BOSS, SHE LOOKS LIKE A
VERY NICE LADY, BUT KIND OF CUCKOO

WHERE ARE WE GOING TO FIND
A RICH PIGEON TO MARRY HER,

AND HER NIECE, AND HER
BUTLER, AND HER DOG.

THAT MY FRIEND, IS MY FANTASY.

[TATTOO]BOSS I'VE SEEN THAT MAN
BEFORE IT'S LEO DRAKE THE FAMOUS ACTOR.

[ROARKE] THAT'S RIGHT. AND THAT
PRETTY LADY WITH HIM IS HIS WIFE CARMEN.

[TATTOO]UM WHICH ONE OF
THEM HAS A FANTASY BOSS?

[ROARKE] MR. DRAKE. YOU SEE HE
IS WHAT THEY CALL A METHOD ACTOR.

OH I SEE HE LIKES TO
BECOME THE PART HE PLAYS,

JUST LIKE SYLVESTER
STALLONE OF ROCKY.

PRECISELY TATTOO AND
BECAUSE HE IS A METHOD ACTOR

HE HAS COME HERE TO PREPARE FOR HIS
NEXT AND MOST CHALLENGING MOVIE ROLE

A PREPARATION THAT COULD
PROVE VERY DANGEROUS.

BOSS, WHAT MOVIE IS
HE GONNA WORK ON?

A REMAKE OF... DRACULA.

YOU MEAN, LEO DRAKES
FANTASY IS TO BECOME A VAMPIRE?

MY DEAR GUESTS I AM
MR. ROARKE, YOUR HOST

WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND.

HELLO TRACY... BENSON.

HOW IS THE UH MOON MADNESS
LIPSTICK COMMERCIAL COMING ALONG?

[TRACY] ITS THE PITS MR. ROARKE,
AUNT VERA SHE GOT SOME NEW TEMPEST

TO DIRECT HE COULDN'T DIRECT
TRAFFIC IN A ONE WAY TOWN,

WHAT A MEATBALL! AUNT VERA
HAS A WEAKNESS FOR YO-YO'S.

[SIDNEY] STELLA ARE
YOU IN THE MOOD?

[STELLA] I THINK SO.

[SIDNEY][CHUCKLES]
QUIET ON THE SET!

PLEASE I MUST HAVE QUIET
TO CREATE THE PROPER MOOD.

[VERA]GOOD MORN, HOW NICE
TOO SEE YOU AGAIN MR. ROARKE.

[ROARKE] THANK YOU
MISSES TEMPLETON.

[VERA]YOUR ISLAND IS DIVINE. TOMORROW
MORNING I SHALL DASH ON THE BEACH IN THE

NUDE AND THROW SEASHELLS
UP TO THE RISING SUN.

AH MONSIEUR TATTOO. ENCHANTE.

HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.

I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU
ARE A VIVID FAN OF THE CINEMA.

I HOPE THAT YOU SHALL GIVE ME AN
HONEST CRITIQUE OF MY COMMERCIAL.

[SIDNEY] EVERYBODY
TAKE YOUR PLACES.

MRS. TEMPLETON WILL BE READY
FOR THE RUN THRU AT ANY MOMENT.

AAH SIDNEY DARLING!

YES MRS. TEMPLETON.

SIDNEY DARLING CAN
WE HAVE A RUN THRU?

[WHISTLE] RUN THRU, RUN THRU!

IS, YOUR AH AUNT ALWAYS
SO AH UM ENERGETIC?

WAIT TILL YOU SEE HER AFTER A COUPLE OF
MARTINIS. FLAMES SHOOT OUT OF HER NOSE.

[SIDNEY] QUIET ON THE
SET! QUIET ON THE SET!

I SHALL READ THE COMMERCIAL
COPY DURING THE PERFORMANCE.

MUSIC, WIND,

CAMERA, ACTION!

A TROPICAL NIGHT RUNS

THE MADDENING BEAT OF THE DRUMS

AND YOU ARE ALONE.
THEN HE IS THERE,

I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY BREEZE

AND THEN YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU MUST DO.

WHERE IS MY TROPICAL BREEZE?

I NEED WIND BLOWING
THRU MY PALMS AT ONCE.

MOON MADNESS TO THE RESCUE!

WHERE'S MY BREEZE, TURN
ON THE MACHINE! TURN IT ON!

AND NOW LONELINESS IS BANISHED

THANKS TO MOON
MADNESS EXCITING LIPSTICK.

OH OH![BLOWS WHISTLE]
CUT FOR PETE'S SAKES CUT!

I'LL DO BETTER NEXT TIME.

SIDNEY DARLING, IT
PAINS ME TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT YOU ARE TOO IMMATURE
TO DIRECT MY COMMERCIAL.

BUT LUCKY I KEPT A POSITION FOR
YOU AS A PARKING LOT ATTENDANT.

BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.

OF COURSE.

UH, OH. [SIGHS] WHAT
AM I GOING TO DO?

NO DIRECTOR. NOBODY TO
DIRECT MY COMMERCIAL AND...

OH MONSIEUR TATTOO.

MONSIEUR TATTOO
YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE.

I AM?

COULD YOU TAKE OVER THE
DIRECTION OF MY COMMERCIAL PLEASE?

OF COURSE. FOR YOU I DO
ANYTHING. TRUST ME DARLING.

BUT FIRST I'VE GOT TO
CHECK WITH MY ACTORS.

TRACY, BENSON WHY DON'T
YOU GO AHEAD AND SEE

IF YOU CAN BE OF ANY
HELP TO MONSIEUR TATTOO.

OH OKAY.

WELL... HOW DID I DO?

PERFECT MRS. TEMPLETON.

YOU MADE A COMMERCIAL SEEM
A VITAL IMPORTANCE TO YOU.

NOBODY WILL EVER SUSPECT
IT WAS JUST YOUR COVER STORY

WHILE YOU ARE ACTUALLY
HUNTING FOR A RICH HUSBAND.

GOOD, GOOD. YOU SEE NO
MAN IS MORE NERVOUS THEN

WHEN HE FINDS OUT THAT THE
WOMAN IS ON THE PROWL FOR A MATE.

OH BY THE WAY, WHEN AM I GOING
TO MEET MY PROSPECTIVE MATES?

AT A COCKTAIL PARTY I'VE
ARRANGED FOR THIS AFTERNOON.

[GIGGLE] AHA.

MR. AND MRS. DRAKE,

THERE IS ONE THING YOU SHOULD
KNOW ABOUT THE PEOPLE OF THIS VILLAGE,

THEY DON'T CARE
MUCH FOR STRANGERS.

[CARMEN] THAN YOU'D ADVISE
US TO STAY CLOSE TO THE CASTLE?

[ROARKE] OH I WOULD, BUT I
SHOULD ALSO EXPLAIN THAT

EVEN THOUGH THE CASTLE HAS
BEEN VACANT FOR A LONG TIME

IT STILL DOES NOT ENJOY
A GOOD REPUTATION.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN MR. ROARKE?

THE PEOPLE OF THE VILLAGE AH
BELIEVE THAT THERE IS SOMETHING

EVIL ABOUT THE PLACE,

NO ONE EVER GOES NEAR IT.

AND NOW, ON TO YOUR CASTLE.

[MAGDA] GRANDMOTHER
IS SOMETHING WRONG?

[ERICA] HE'S COME BACK.
JUST AS I KNEW HE WOULD.

- WHO?
- HIM.

EVER SINCE WE LEFT THE VILLAGE,
I'VE HAD AN UNEASY FEELING.

AND NOW THIS
PLACE... IT SCARES ME.

[ROARKE] PERHAPS IT
THE OLD WORLD AMBIENCE.

THE AREA IS POPULATED BY
VERY INTERESTING PEOPLE.

DESCENDANTS OF IMMIGRANTS WHO
CAME FROM SOMEWHERE IN ROMANIA

MANY GENERATIONS AGO.

THEY LIVE VERY MUCH
AS DID THEIR FORBEARERS.

ROMANIA HUH?

YES WHERE
TRANSYLVANIA IS OR WAS.

YES WE KNOW LEO'S
ANCESTORS CAME FROM THERE.

WELL, HISTORY IS
A LITTLE OBSCURE.

SOME SAY MY ANCESTOR MIGHT HAVE
BEEN THE ORIGINAL, COUNT DRACULA.

SO I'VE HEARD.

YES. EXCUSE ME.

OH, ONE MORE THING MR. DRAKE,

I MENTIONED BEFORE THAT THIS
CASTLE HAS A SINISTER REPUTATION

AH EVERY TIME I
COME HERE, I FELT,

WELL, I WOULDN'T
EXACTLY CALL IT FEAR

BUT THERE IS A DEFINITE
PRESENCE OF EVIL HERE.

BUT THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S VERY GOOD.

PLEASE BE CAREFUL MR. DRAKE.

DON'T CONFUSE
IMAGINATION WITH REALITY.

AND DON'T ALLOW
YOURSELF TO BECOME...

POSSESSED? IS THAT THE
WORD YOU WERE GOING TO USE?

I MUST BE LEAVING.

I WILL SEE YOU IN
TWO DAYS, EXCUSE ME.

HO, HO, OH ATMOSPHERE.

LEO, I HATE TO SAY THIS, I MEAN I KNOW
IT'S YOUR FANTASY AND EVERYTHING,

BUT I JUST DON'T LIKE IT.

[LAUGHING] HONEY,
DON'T BE FOOLISH.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

THE GENTLEMEN WILL REALIZE
THAT THIS WHOLE GATHERING

HAS BEEN ARRANGED FOR YOUR
BENEFIT MRS. TEMPLETON OF COURSE.

OF COURSE!

SO WHEN YOU ARE READY.

I AM READY FOR THE
NUMBER ONE CONTESTANT

OF MY PRINCE
CHARMING SWEEPSTAKES.

VERY WELL.

THAT EXOTIC GENTLEMAN
IS SHEIK CAMEL HUSIE.

POPULARLY KNOWN AS
THE HAWK OF THE DESERT.

MAJORITY STOCK HOLDER
OF TRANSGLOBAL PETROLEUM.

SALAAM IAMAFANVEE, I'LL KEEP
HIM IN MIND IF I AM DESPERATE.

VERY WELL.

MR. CECIL ENTWISTLE OF
ENTWISTLE TOOL AND DIE.

NEXT!!

WELL, I AM AFRAID WE HAVE
COME TO THE LAST CANDIDATE.

MR. HOLLIS BUFORD JR. OF H-B
PROPERTY ENTERPRISES DALLAS, TEXAS.

ISN'T EXACTLY PRINCE
CHARMING IS HE?

BUT THEN BEGGARS
CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.

ARE YOU SURE HE IS LOADED?

MR. BUFORD OWNS MORE THAN
500 ACRES OF CHOICE PROPERTIES.

WELL 500 ACRES ISN'T SO
MUCH. WHERE ARE THEY?

DOWNTOWN DALLAS!

OOH! EXCUSE ME MR. ROARKE.

BY ALL MEANS, MRS. TEMPLETON.

PARDON ME SIR, I
NEED SOME ASSISTANCE.

YOU DO?

COULD YOU ORDER ME A
BEVERAGE FROM THE BARTENDER?

I SEEM TO BE PLUM
OUT OF GRAPE JUICE.

YOU JUST NAME YOUR POISON MADAM.

I'D BITE THE HEAD OFF A
RATTLESNAKE FOR YOU.

YOU WOULD!?

[GRUNTS]

MY WORD.

ERICA ERICA!

ERICA ERICA!

[LAUGHS] YOUR BUSINESS IS
GOOD, BUT YOU LOOK TROUBLED!

[ERICA] TROUBLED? OF
COURSE IM TROUBLED!

ALL OF YOU SAW WHAT I SAW TODAY.

[DWIGHT] WE SAW MR. ROARKE
TAKING SOME TOURISTS TO THE CASTLE.

[ERICA] HE IS BACK. I
SAW HIM! MAGDA SAW HIM.

YOU ALL SAW HIM, BUT YET
YOU ARE AFRAID TO ADMIT IT.

PLEASE ERICA, DO
NOT START THAT AGAIN.

YOU ARE FOOLS! ALL OF YOU.

I WARNED YOU THAT THIS
DAY WOULD ARRIVE FOR YEARS.

I HAVE PREDICTED
IT, AND NOW IT HAS.

HAHA ERICA AND HER PREDICTIONS.

FIRST SHE PREDICTS
RAIN AND IT NEVER COMES.

THEN SHE PREDICTS CLEAR
WEATHER FOR PLANTING AND IT POURS!

AND NOW SHE PREDICTS VAMPIRE!

I KNOW THE PERSON IN THAT
CASTLE IS COUNT DRACULA.

AND HE HAS FOUND US AT LAST.

THE DESCENDANTS OF THOSE
WHO FLED TRANSYLVANIA

AND ALL THAT EVIL
HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO!

GRANDMOTHER I'M FRIGHTENED.

NO, SHH. I'LL SEE NO
HARM COMES TO YOU.

LEO?

LEO!

HERE!

I WAS WONDERING WHERE YOU WERE.

THIS PLACE IS TERRIFIC!

I MEAN THERE ARE SECRET ROOMS
AND CORRIDORS, AND BATTLEMENTS.

I'M COLD, THIS PLACE
GIVES ME THE CREEPS.

YEAH[SIGH]

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT OUTFIT?

MR. ROARKE. HE
DIDN'T FORGET A THING.

HOW ABOUT THIS? SO,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OH LEO, PLEASE, TAKE
THOSE THINGS OFF.

YOU KNOW THIS PLACE
HAS A HUGE BASEMENT.

THERE ARE LOTS OF ROOMS AND YOU'LL
NEVER GUESS WHAT'S IN ONE OF EM.

- WHAT?
- A COFFIN.

- OH.
- TRANSYLVANIAN DIRT.

OH, LEO! YOU ARE NOT
GONNA GO THAT FAR?

WHAT'S REALLY WEIRD, IS I
AM KIND OF, AT HOME HERE.

LIKE ME AND GREAT GREAT
GRAND DAD HAD, A LOT IN COMMON.

OH LEO, DON'T SAY THAT.

I'M STARVING.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT YOUR FAVORITE
VAMPIRE TO DIE OF MALNUTRITION WILL YOU?

OH THAT'S NOT FUNNY LEO.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THERE'S
ONLY ONE WAY TO KILL DRACULA.

A WOODEN STAKE
RIGHT THRU THE HEART.

YOU ARE COLD AREN'T YA.

WHY DON'T YOU GO ON?

I WILL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE.

I AM SURE BUFORD
WILL BE RIDING THIS WAY.

AUNT VERA I CAN'T
LET YOU DO THIS...

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ON A HORSE IN
YOUR LIFE AND BENSON CAN'T RIDE EITHER.

YOU COULD GET HURT.

NONSENSE DARLING!
ANIMALS LOVE ME.

OH BENSON, DO YOU
HAVE YOUR CHEW?

IS THIS PART REALLY
NECESSARY MRS. T?

OH, BENSON, PLEASE. PLEASE
HELP ME IN MY HOUR OF NEED.

OKAY AUNT VERA, BUT YOU KNOW
WHAT, I THINK YOU ARE BANANAS.

HOLLIS BUFORD IS A GIANT NERD!

[LAUGHS] ALL RIGHT DARLING,
COME ON BENSON, LET'S MOUNT UP.

GOOD GRIEF!

HOLD ON MISS T, I AM COMING!

GOOD GRIEF!

YOU ARE DOING THIS ALL WRONG.

[VERA] BENSON!!

HANG ON MRS. T!! HANG ON!!

[BUFORD SINGING]

[VERA] ARE YOU SURE
THIS IS THE WAY TO DO IT?

CORRECT MRS. T, I'LL GET
THIS ANIMAL STRAIGHTENED OUT!

BUFORD:[SINGING]

[SCREAMS] OH! OH! OH!

RIDE EM COWGIRL!!

OH! SLOW DOWN HORSY, WATCH IT!

WHY, SO NICE TO SEE
YOU AGAIN MR. BUFORD.

LIKEWISE MADAM, IT'S A REAL
PLEASURE MEETING UP WITH YOU AGAIN.

ESPECIALLY SEEING AS YOU HUNG
IN THERE WITH THAT RUN AWAY.

WHY THANK YOU SIR.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!

NOTHING AT ALL.

AUNT VERA! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

WHY SURE ENOUGH TRACY SUE HONEY.

SAY HOWDY TO MR. BUFORD.

HOWDY.

MR. BUFORD, THIS IS MY NIECE,
TRACY SUE TEMPLETON, SIR.

GLAD TO MEET YA.

NOTHING LIKE SEEING A
FAMILY THAT RIDES TOGETHER!

OF ALL THE YEARS, ALL
OF US TEMPLETONS RIDE.

CARSON TOO!

WOAH! WOAH, AAHH.

THAT'S MY FOREMAN BENSON,

SURE LIKES THEM
TRICK RIDING STUNTS.

HOT DANG! YOU REALLY
ARE MY KINDA OF FOLKS.

SAY LISTEN, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CATCH
MYSELF SOME NICE FAT JACK RABBITS

OR MAYBE A JUICY IGUANA
FOR DINNER ON THE TRAIL.

I'D BE MIGHTY PROUD IF
YOU'D CONSENT TO JOIN ME.

WELL I'D BE DELIGHTED,
PLUM DELIGHTED!!

DANG!!

LEO, OH THANK GOD YOU
ARE BACK. I WAS WORRIED.

WHAT IS IT? WHAT'S WRONG?

I DON'T KNOW...

I AM NOT SURE WHO I AM.

I BET YOU ARE GONNA LIKE THIS.

OH SURE!

[SINGING]OUT ON THE PRAIRIE,
WHERE THE SNAKE RIVER BENDS,

A MASKED DESPERADO,
WAS SHOT BY HIS FRIENDS,

ONE BULLET FOR VENGEANCE,
ONE BULLET FOR SIN

AND AFTER THEY SHOT
HIM, THEY SHOT HIM AGAIN.

BANGDIDY BANG BANG BANG BOO.

LISTEN TO HIM, HE SOUNDS
LIKE A SHEEP WITH A CRAMP.

OF ALL THE WEIRD BOYFRIENDS
AUNT VERA HAS EVER HAD,

HE IS THE LOWEST. BOY AM I
GLAD YOU BROUGHT THIS CHICKEN.

IF I EVEN HAD TO LOOK AT
THAT GUNK HOLLIS WAS FRYING,

I WOULD'VE FAINTED.

I DON'T REALLY THINK
HOLLIS IS SO BAD.

THAT COSSACKS POET
YOUR AUNT BROUGHT HOME,

WHO KEPT FILLING THE BATH
TUB WITH HOME MADE YOGURT,

HE WAS REALLY ROTTEN NEWS.

I KNOW, AUNT VERA HAS
PICKED SOME REAL WINNERS.

BUT WHAT DOES SHE SEE IN
A COW KICKER LIKE BUFORD.

BEATS ME. BUT I'LL
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

ANY MAN WHO GETS THE INTEREST OF
YOUR AUNT VERA IS ONE LUCKY SO AND SO.

SHE'S HONEST, SMART,
FUNNY AND BEAUTIFUL. SHE...

BENSON, YOU'RE IN LOVE
WITH AUNT VERA AREN'T YOU?

WELL I... I GUESS I'VE
ALWAYS BEEN IN LOVE, KIND OF.

BUT DON'T TELL HER I SAID SO.

WELL, MAYBE SOME DAY SHE WILL
NEED ME FOR SOMETHING MORE

THAN TOTING LUGGAGE OR
PAYING THE LIQUOR STORE.

HOW'D YOU LIKE IT?

I LOVE IT, COWBOY!
PLAY IT AGAIN.

WELL SURE MADAM.

[SINGING]OUT ON THE PRAIRIE,
WHERE THE SNAKE RIVER BENDS,

A MASKED DESPERADO,
WAS SHOT BY HIS FRIENDS,

ONE BULLET FOR VENGEANCE,
ONE BULLET FOR SIN

THIS CAN GO ON FOR SOME TIME,
WE MIGHT AS WELL KEEP BUSY.

I LIKE AN INDUSTRIALIST TODAY.

UNITED MAGNESIUM
ALLOY LOOKS LIKE A COMER.

I DON'T KNOW. BEFORE I SELL
ANY OF MY MOON MADNESS STOCK,

TO GO FOR THOSE HIGH RISK
ISSUES, I'D RATHER LOOK INTO

GOLD MINE STOCK ON THE BIG
BOARD. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HMM, WELL.

ALRIGHT, TAKE ME DOWN PLEASE.

PLACES. PLACES,
EVERYBODY PLACES.

ALRIGHT, REMEMBER ON THE
MOVIE SET, THE DIRECTOR IS KING.

I WANT TO DO THE SCENE MY WAY.

NOW REMEMBER BE PASSIONATE.

ALRIGHT LET'S DO IT. SOUND.

MUSIC.

LOUDER!

WIND.

CAMERA.

ACTION!

NOW REMEMBER STELLA... THE
MAN YOU LOVE IGNORES YOU.

SO YOU PUT ON YOUR MOON
SHADOW MADNESS LIPSTICK

AND SUDDENLY HE SEES YOU.

YOU LOVE EACH
OTHER BUT YOU RESIST.

BUT THE ATTRACTION
IS TOO STRONG.

SUDDENLY, YOU RUN
INTO EACH OTHERS ARMS.

RUN!

RUN!

CUT!

TAKE A BREAK, WE DO IT LATER ON.

WOAAAH.

MRS. T MAY I.

YEA YES, WOOPS HAHA.

MISS VERA, YOU'VE MADE ME THE
HAPPIEST HOMBRE IN THE WORLD.

I'M PLUM DELIGHTED.
BYE SUGAR PUSS.

ADIOS MADAM.

HELP ME BENSON. I THINK I
HAVE A BLOWOUT IN MY BODY.

I'VE BEEN OUT ALL MORNING
BRANDING COWS. REVOLTING.

WHY DID BUFORD SAY YOU
MADE HIM HAPPY, AUNT VERA.

BECAUSE I PROMISED TO MARRY HIM.

ISN'T THAT MARVELOUS?

YOU HAVE TO CALL
HIM UNCLE AT ONCE.

THE WEDDING IS TOMORROW.
BENSON GET ME TO THE NEAREST SAUNA.

I HAVE GOT A HEADACHE IN MY LEG.

THIS WAY MRS. T.

DON'T FORGET TO CALL HIM UNCLE.

I WON'T EVER CALL HIM UNCLE,
I'D RATHER CHEW TOBACCO FIRST!!

I'M SORRY YOU ARE UNHAPPY
WITH YOUR AUNTS CHOICE TRACY,

BUT I SUPPOSE
FINANCIAL PRESSURES

ARE LIABLE TO AFFECT
ANYONE'S JUDGMENT.

WHAT FINANCIAL PRESSURES? AUNT
VERA IS MAJORITY STOCK HOLDER

AND SHE'S CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD
OF MOON MADNESS, SHE IS LOADED.

I'M SORRY TRACY, PERHAPS
I SAID TOO MUCH ALREADY.

I'M SORRY.

MRS. T WILL BE OKAY TRACY.

I'VE GOT THE MASSEUSE WORKING
HER OVER IN THE STEAM ROOM.

YOU OKAY, KIDDO?

BENSON LET'S GET OUT THE STOCK HOLDERS
FINANCIAL REPORT ON MOON MADNESS.

I THINK AUNTIE VERA HAS BEEN
KEEPING SOMETHING FROM US.

HMM, IS THAT SO?

UM HMM.

LEO, PLEASE DON'T GO OUT AGAIN.

LEO, YOU ARE GOING
WAY TO FAR WITH THIS.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE NOT
ACTING THE ROLE ANYMORE.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ACTUALLY
BECOMING COUNT DRACULA!

LEO! LEO!!

PRECIOUS! PRECIOUS, WHY
AREN'T YOU IN BEDDY BYE?

I WANT YOU TO BE BEAUTIFUL AND RESTED
TOMORROW MORNING FOR AUNTIES WEDDING.

OH IT'S GOING TO BE BEAUTIFUL.

THE PREACHER IS GOING TO STAND
IN THE BACK OF CHUCK WAGON.

CUT THE ACT AUNT VERA, I KNOW
MOON MADNESS IS IN THE DUMPSTER.

BENSON AND I JUST
WENT THRU FIGURES.

OH, THAT'S NOTHING. IT'S JUST
A LITTLE PROBLEM IT'S NOTHING.

THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS WILL VOTE
YOU OUT AT THE VERY NEXT MEETING.

YOU'LL LOSE THE COMPANY
AND EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE.

THAT'S WHY YOU ARE MARRYING
THAT RICH CLOD HOPPER, ISN'T IT?

DARLING, IT'S MY FOOLISHNESS THAT
GOT MOON MADNESS INTO TROUBLE.

SO IT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY
TO GET IT OUT.

YOU SEE IF I LOSE
CONTROL OF THE BUSINESS,

400 OF THE MOST TRUSTED
EMPLOYEES WILL LOSE THEIR JOBS,

AND I SQUANDERED
AWAY YOUR INHERITANCE.

BECAUSE YOU SEE DARLING, I WANT
THIS BUSINESS TO BE YOURS ONE DAY.

BECAUSE YOU ARE THE LITTLE GIRL,

I ALWAYS WANTED AND I NEVER HAD.

BUT HOLLIS BUFORD
IS SUCH A JERK!

HE'S SUCH A NICE JERK AND I'M
GONNA TRY TO MAKE HIM HAPPY.

NOW, COME ON LET
US HAVE A NICE SMILE.

COME ON AND LET ME
DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

WELL, I HAVE THOSE SHARES
OF MOON MADNESS YOU GAVE ME

FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND
CHRISTMAS AND EVERYTHING!

AND IF WE PUT OUR
SHARES TOGETHER

MAYBE WE WILL HAVE ENOUGH
VOTES TO KEEP YOU UP ON THE BOARD.

AND BENSON HAS SOME SHARES TOO.

DARLING, I DO LOVE YOU,

AND I REALLY DO
APPRECIATE THE OFFER BUT...

YOU SEE, WE HAVE
TO BE PRACTICAL.

I HAVE ONLY 30 PERCENT
OF THE VOTING SHARES,

AND I NEED ANOTHER 21
PERCENT TO BE IN CONTROL.

WHICH IS THOUSANDS OF
THOUSANDS OF SHARES.

BE STRONG MY DARLING,
I NEED YOU STRONG.

OH, GOD NO!

MY BABY, MY BABY!!

OH MY CHILD! DID YOU SEE
WHAT THE VAMPIRES HAS DONE?

HE HAS KILLED HER! CAN THERE
BE ANY DOUBT IN YOUR MIND?

NOW CAN THERE?

STILL WE HAVE NO PROOF.

HOW MUCH PROOF DO YOU WANT?

HOW MANY MORE YOUNG BODIES DO
YOU WANT RAVAGED BY THAT MONSTER?

ANSWER ME!

THE VAMPIRE MUST BE DESTROYED OR
THERE WILL BE NO PEACE IN OUR VILLAGE.

NOT ONE OF US WILL BE SAFE

OR WE WILL ALL SIT IN OUR
HOUSES AT NIGHT WAITING,

JUST WAITING FOR THAT
MONSTER TO ATTACK!

WE MUST DESTROY HIM FIRST!

WITH A STAKE THROUGH HIS HEART!

[ALL] YES!!!

LEO! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

WHAT HAPPENED?

LEO I KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG.
YOU WERE GONE FOR HOURS.

TRY TO REMEMBER.
TRY TO REMEMBER LEO.

THEY ARE COMING FOR ME!

- THEY ARE COMING ME.
- LEO!

OPEN THE CASKET!

NOO!

WHERE IS THE COUNT?

THERE IS NO COUNT DRACULA,
MY FRIENDS. EXCEPT IN FICTION.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT
HIS NAME IS! HE IS A VAMPIRE.

THE MAN YOU SEEK IS
AN ACTOR, NOT A VAMPIRE.

I DOUBT THAT, YOU'VE NOT SEEN

WHAT HE DID TO HER,
YOUR SO CALLED ACTOR!

WE ALL KNOW A GREAT DEAL
ABOUT VAMPIRES, DON'T WE?

INCLUDING THE FACT THAT THEY
CANNOT SURVIVE, THE LIGHT OF DAY.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT MADAME?

THEY CRUMBLE TO DUST
WHEN THE SUN HITS THEM!

THEN ALL WE NEED TO DO, IS FIND THE
VAMPIRE AND EXPOSE HIM TO SUNLIGHT.

THE EVIL CREATURE
WILL BE NO MORE

AND NONE OF YOU GOOD
PEOPLE WILL BE MURDERERS.

THE ROOSTER CROWS. SOON
DAYLIGHT WILL BE AMONG US.

MRS. DRAKE DO YOU BELIEVE
YOUR HUSBAND IS A VAMPIRE?

CERTAINLY NOT! BUT I'M
NOT SURE WHAT HE BELIEVES.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME PLEASE.

[CROWD GASPS]

MR. DRAKE, WILL YOU
PLEASE FOLLOW ME.

WILL YOU PLEASE STAND THERE.

SO... YOU CAN SEE,

MR. DRAKE IS NOT A VAMPIRE.

HE NEVER WAS.

WHAT ABOUT MAGDA? WHAT ABOUT...

I CAN CLEAR THAT
UP ALSO, TATTOO.

YOU SEE, NO TEETH MARKS
ON HER PRETTY NECK.

AND YOUR OWN VILLAGE
DOCTOR CONFIRMED THAT

THIS YOUNG LADY WAS DRUGGED.
SHE IS A BIT SLEEPY I THINK.

ERICA, WHERE IS SHE?

GONE, VANISHED SOMEWHERE.

YOU SEE, SHE KNEW THE
GIRL MAGDA WAS UNHARMED.

IN FACT, SHE EVEN PLACED THE
PUNCTURE MARKS ON HER NECK HERSELF.

BUT WHY?

TO INSIGHT HER FELLOW VILLAGERS
TO MURDER YOU MR. DRAKE,

AND USING THE SECRET OF THAT
CRIME TO GAIN POWER OVER THEM.

PRAYING UPON THE UNCONSCIOUS FEARS,
THE LATENT SUPERSTITIONS OF OTHERS,

ONLY TO FATTEN HER
FEELINGS OF SELF IMPORTANCE.

MR. ROARKE, THANK YOU. YOU
ARE QUITE A PERFORMER YOURSELF.

DEARLY BELOVED,
AND HOWDY FRIENDS.

I WILL COMMENCE MY SERVICE JUST AS
SOON AS THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARRIVE.

AND THAT OUGHT TO
BE ANY MOMENT NOW.

I WONDER WHY TRACY
AND BENSON AREN'T HERE.

YES. WELL, I'M SURE THEY
WILL TURN UP MISS TEMPLETON.

OH I HOPE SO!

BOSS, I WISH THE AREA, I WANNA
RE SHOOT MY COMMERCIAL.

YES, HOW THOUGHTLESS OF THEM
TO PUT AN UNIMPORTANT THING

LIKE A WEDDING AHEAD OF THAT.

[HORN BLOWING]

YEE HAW!

THE BRIDE GROOM'S HERE!

JUDGE RANDOLPH, NOW YOU CAN
GET ON WITH THE SERIOUS MARRYING.

COME ON HONEY.

NOW THAT THE HOOPIN' AND THE
HOLLERING CEREMONIAL IS OVER,

I SHALL PROCEED.

DO YOU VERA GROSNERVE MEREDITH
DONE STABLE TEMPLETON LITTLE DARLIN'

TAKE THIS OLD COW HAND AS
YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND?

STOP THE WEDDING!

STOP THE WEDDING!
STOP THE WEDDING!!

TRACY! TRACY, WHAT
ARE YOU SAYING?

I CAN TELL YOU
WHAT SHE IS SAYING.

YOU DON'T NEED TO MARRY HIM.

HERE ARE ALL THE SHARES YOU NEED TO
RETAIN CONTROL OF BLUE MOON MADNESS.

YOU DON'T NEED BUFFALO
BULL TO BAIL YOU OUT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL IT'S REALLY KINDA SIMPLE,

ALL THOSE YEARS TRACY AND I WERE
STUDYING THE MARKET AS A HOBBY,

I WAS INVESTING THE
SHARES YOU GAVE US

FOR BIRTHDAYS AND BONUSES.

TRACY'S TOO?

I'M AFRAID SO. EVEN TRACY DIDN'T
KNOW ABOUT IT UNTIL THIS MORNING.

I JUST GOT OFF THE
PHONE WITH OUR BROKER

AND UGH, HERE IS
THE CURRENT TALLY.

I HAVE 43,00 SHARES
AND BENSON HAS 51,855,

FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF 94,855.

AUNTIE VERA YOU CAN
KEEP THE COMPANY!

YAHOOO! OH DON'T
TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.

IT JUST SEEMS THAT YOU AND I WILL HAVE
TO REMAIN SHIPS THAT PASS IN THE NIGHT.

DANG NABIT. NOW I GOTTA
GET ME A DATE FOR THE RODEO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HE'S DOING WHAT I ASKED
HIM TO DO AUNT VERA.

IF YOU WANNA KEEP THE COMPANY
THERE IS A STRING ATTACHED.

MRS. T. VERA. I LOVE YOU!

I'VE LOVED YOU FOR YEARS.

BUT I'M THRU STANDING
IN THE BACKGROUND

WHILE YOU MARRY ANYONE
WHO CAN WALK YOU TO THE ALTER.

IF YOU WANT THESE MOON MADNESS
SHARES YOU HAVE TO MARRY ME.

I NEVER KNEW YOU COULD
BE SO MASTERFUL BENSON.

MAURICE!

MAURICE, MAURICE!

I'D LOVE TO MARRY YOU!!

BYE MR. ROARKE. TATTOO,
THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP.

OH, IT WAS A
PLEASURE, MRS. DRAKE.

SHOULD YOU REQUIRE ASSISTANCE IN
ANY OF YOUR FUTURE ACTING ROLES,

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO RETURN.

THANK YOU, BUT I PREFER
HIM REVERSING HIS ROLES

IN A GOOD OLD LIBRARY BACK HOME.

OH, ONE LAST THING MR. DRAKE.

I HAVE YOUR GENEALOGY TRAITS AND IT
APPEARS THAT ONE OF YOUR ANCESTORS,

DID INDEED COME
FROM TRANSYLVANIA.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU!

HOWEVER, YOUR FORBEAR
WAS NOT COUNT DRACULA,

BUT IT WAS THE COUNTS CARETAKER.

WELL, MAYBE IT
WASN'T IN MY GENES.

MAYBE IT WAS ALL IMAGINATION.

PERHAPS IT WAS MR. DRAKE.

THANKS GENTLEMAN.

YOU ARE VERY WELCOME MR. DRAKE.

- GOODBYE.
- GOODBYE.

WELL, MR. AND MRS. BENSON. AND
HOW ARE OUR TWO NEWLYWEDS?

ECSTATIC MR. ROARKE.
AND AS FOR YOUR FANTASY,

THERE IS ONLY ONE
WORD, FANTASTIC!

I AM SO PLEASED!

BY THE WAY, DO YOU HAVE ANY NEWS
OF THE TV COMMERCIAL SCREENING?

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

ALL OF OUR BOARD OF DIRECTORS
SAW THE COMMERCIAL THIS MORNING,

AND THEY WANTED ME TO CONVEY
TO YOU, OUR UNDYING GRATITUDE.

WELL THEN, AND THEY
WANT TO KNOW IF I'M FREE,

TO SHOOT THE NEXT COMMERCIAL?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, NO!

YOU SEE, AFTER THEY
SAW THE COMMERCIAL,

THEY DECIDED TO DROP MOON
MADNESS LIPSTICK FROM OUR LINE.

GOODBYE MR. BENSON.

GOODBYE AND THANK YOU!!