Fantasy Island (1977–1984): Season 2, Episode 12 - Charlie's Cherubs/Stalag 3 - full transcript

(MUSIC)

(BELL RINGS)

THE PLANE! THE PLANE!

GOOD MORNING, TATTOO.

GOOD MORNING, BOSS.

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, IT'S A MINI COMPUTER.

MY COUSIN HUGO SENT IT TO ME.

OH, AND HOW DOES
THE COMPUTER WORK?

IT'S ME, BOSS. HE FORGOT
TO SEND THE INSTRUCTIONS.

BUT I'M SURE IT'S A VERY GOOD.



A COMPUTER CAN SAVE
A LOT OF GUESSWORK.

SO CAN BE BIKINIS.

SHALL WE GO AND MEET OUR GUESTS?

SMILES EVERYONE, SMILES.

(MUSIC)

BOSS, WHO ARE THOSE
GORGEOUS LADIES?

MS. GINNY WINTHROP.

MS. AMBER AINSLEY.

AND MS. CLAUDIA HAYES.

WHAT'S THEIR FANTASY?

ONEONE OF DANGER
AND EXCITEMENT, TATTOO.

YOU SEE THOSE YOUNG LADIES, ALL OF THEM
SECRETARIES FOR A MAJOR INSURANCE COMPANY,

HAVE COME IN HOPES
OF BEING ABLE TO LIVE AN

ADVENTURE LIKE THEIR
FAVORITE TELEVISION HEROINES.



CHARLIE'S ANGELS.

CHARLIE'S ANGELS!

YES.

BOSS, MY FANTASY HAS
ALWAYS BEEN TO BE BOSLEY.

INDEED.

PERHAPS THIS WEEKEND, A NUMBER
OF FANTASIES CAN COME TRUE.

BOSS, YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?

THE 4 GENTLEMEN THAT
ARE EMBARKING NOW,

ARE ALL VETERANS
OF WORLD WAR II.

WHO WHILE INCARCERATED IN
THE GERMAN PRISON CAMP STALAG 3,

RAN A NETWORK OF ESCAPE
ROUTES FOR THE OTHER PRISONERS.

THAT SOUNDS VERY DANGEROUS.

OH INDEED, IT WAS.

THEIR LAST BIG
ESCAPE, WAS THEIR OWN.

IT WAS SAID THAT THE COMMANDANT
OF STALAG 3 NEVER RECOVERED

FROM THE DISGRACE AND MORTIFICATION
HE SUFFERED BECAUSE OF THOSE FOUR.

THEY ARE ALL VERY WEALTHY
NOW EXCEPT DANNY RYAN.

THE OTHER THREE
AFFECTIONATELY CALL HIM,

DARING DANNY, THE
GREATEST GUY WE EVER KNEW.

HE SAVED HIS FRIENDS LIVES
WHEN THEY ESCAPED FROM STALAG 3.

WHOSE FANTASY IS THIS, BOSS?

MR. RYAN'S.

HE WANTS TO RELIVE THE GOOD
OLD DAYS OF WORLD WAR II AGAIN.

BUT THERE IS MORE
TO IT THAN THAT.

IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN, BOSS?

WERE GOING TO GIVE HIM
THAT, TATTOO. AND MUCH MORE.

MY DEAR GUESTS, I AM
MR. ROARKE, YOUR HOST.

WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND!

(ROARKE) YOUR FANTASY WAS TO
RETURN TO THE VILLAGE OF BOUGIVAL,

WELL MY FRIENDS,
WELCOME TO BOUGIVAL.

INCREDIBLE, I MEAN,
JUST LIKE IT WAS IN 1944.

EVEN THE CHEZ FIFI.

WHERE WE SPENT THOSE 30 MISERABLE NIGHTS
IN THAT DARK CELLAR AFTER OUR ESCAPE.

TELL ME MR. ROARKE, HOW
DID YOU DO ALL OF THIS?

WELL, IT SO HAPPENS THAT THE VILLAGE OF
BOUGIVAL WAS SCHEDULED FOR DEMOLITION

TO MAKE WAY FOR AN AIRPORT.

IT WAS IMPORTED
HERE... STONE BY STONE.

FAR OUT.

AH, I DON'T SUPPOSE ANY
OF THE... SAME PEOPLE...

WHAT DANNY IS
TRYING TO SAY, IS THAT...

CHEZ FIFI USED TO BE RUN
BY A VERY SPECIAL LADY.

OH.

FIFI APREA.

SHE WOULDN'T STILL BE
AROUND, WOULD SHE MR. ROARKE?

WHY NOT SEE FOR
YOURSELF, MR. RYAN.

LET'S GO. (LAUGHTER)

(MUSIC)

HEY, LOOK AT THIS!

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OH, DANNY!

FIFI!

AH, MON CHER. YOU
HAVE COME BACK.

OH LA, LA, LA, LA, LA.

FIFI!

FIFI.

YOU HAVE ALL COME BACK.

FIFI, THE YEARS HAVE
HARDLY TOUCHED YOU.

IT'S VERY KIND OF YOU TO SAY SO.

BUT YOU ALWAYS WERE
AN OUTRAGEOUS FLATTERER.

(LAUGHTER)

FIFI, THOSE CAN-CAN GIRLS
ARE REALLY GORGEOUS.

DOESN'T FIFI ALWAYS HAVE
THE MOST GORGEOUS GIRLS?

WHY DON'T WE ALL JOIN THEM.

WHY DON'T WE?

YEAH-HO!

LET'S GO!

HEY!

I TOLD YOU GUYS TO TRUST ROARKE.

HE NEVER FORGETS ANYTHING.

I... I DON'T QUITE KNOW
HOW TO SAY THIS, BECAUSE...

NOTHING LIKE IT HAS EVER
HAPPENED IN THE PAST.

I'M AFRAID I FIND IT NECESSARY
TO CANCEL YOUR FANTASY.

MR. ROARKE!

YOU PROMISED WE COULD HAVE AN
ADVENTURE LIKE CHARLIE'S ANGELS.

YES, I KNOW.

WHAT HAPPENED THAT'S
SO TRAGIC MR. ROARKE?

IRONICALLY ENOUGH, A ROBBERY.

WELL OVER A HALF $1
MILLION WERE STOLEN.

WHOEVER PERPETRATED
THIS CRIME, PLAYS FOR

HIGH STAKES AND COULD
BE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

BUT MR. ROARKE,
THAT IS OUR FANTASY!

YOU PROMISED US WE
COULD HANDLE A CAPER.

YES, BUT I HAD SOMETHING
ELSE IN MIND FOR YOU LADIES.

SOMETHING FAR LESS PERILOUS.

NOW I SIMPLY CANNOT PLACE THREE
OF MY GUESTS IN JEOPARDY, I CAN'T.

MR. ROARKE, WE INSIST.

SORRY, IT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION.

- UNLESS...
- UNLESS WHAT?

UNLESS MY ASSISTANT TATTOO,
HERE WERE WILLING TO WORK WITH YOU.

WITH HIM AT YOUR SIDE, I WOULDN'T BE
UNDULY CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR SAFETY.

DON'T WORRY, BOSS, I WILL LET
NOTHING HAPPEN TO THEM. NOTHING.

IT IS AGREED THEN.

I SUGGEST THAT YOU LADIES ADOPT

ADEQUATE COVERS BEFORE
YOU'RE INTRODUCED TO LIZZIE CLARK.

WHO IS USING OUR FACILITIES
HERE, AS HEADQUARTERS

FOR HER SENSITIVITY
TRAINING PROGRAM.

AND PLEASE, DO BE
CAREFUL IN THE MEANTIME.

WOULD YOU?

HI. SHORT, DARK AND HANDSOME.

GIVE ME A KISS.

LIZ, THIS IS AMBER,
CLAUDIA AND GINNY.

HOW DO YOU DO? MR. ROARKE,
TOLD ME YOU WERE COMING.

I HOPE YOU CAN HELP OUT.

OH YEAH.

WE'RE SURE GONNA
TAKE A RUN AT IT.

ACCORDING TO MR. ROARKE, YOU'RE
KEEPING THE ROBBERY A SECRET.

AS LONG AS I CAN GET AWAY WITH IT. ONE WORD
LEAKS OUT, AND MY BUSINESS CAN BE RUINED.

MAYBE WE CAN FIND THE MISSING
LOOT BEFORE THAT HAPPENS.

ANY SUSPECTS?

(LIZZIE) WHOEVER
DID IT, IS STILL HERE.

THERE WERE NO CHECK
OUTS SINCE LAST NIGHT.

THE STOLEN HALF
MILLION-DOLLAR BROOCH,

BELONGS TO THE ONE AT THE BAR.

(LAUGHTER)

(TATTOO) AND HER HUSBAND IS
PAUL, THE BOY WONER OF REAL ESTATE.

ANY QUESTIONS?

NO, I'VE GOT IT.

ALRIGHT, HERE'S A SCHEDULE
OF THE CLASSES AND THE MEALS.

AND YOU CAN TELL THE
TIMES. YOU'LL LOVE IT.

IT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

IT WILL BE, YOU WON'T REGRET IT.

(MUSIC)

SEE, THIS IS ONE OF THE
REASONS FOR THE REUNION.

IT'S A CAN'T MISS PROPOSITION.

THE 4 OF US PUT UP THE
CASH, WE ALL GO IN TOGETHER.

HEY, THERE'S ME DARLIN'.

- THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAID.
- OH, ABSOLUTELY.

I CAN'T GET OVER THIS! EVERYTHING
EXACTLY AS IT WAS IN 1944.

EVEN DANNY IS TRYING
TO COOK UP A DEAL.

AND HE STILL OWES
US FROM THE LAST ONE.

IF EVERYTHING WERE
THE SAME, WE'D PROBABLY

BE HEARING THE CLANK
OF TANKS, ANY DAY NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

DID YOU SAY ANY DAY NOW?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A TANK, ALRIGHT.

HEY, DANNY!

THIS IS A TERRIFIC FANTASY YOU'VE
DREAMED UP, BUT HOW FAR DOES IT GO?

SURELY, YOU DID NOT LOOK TO
RE-CREATE WORLD WAR II OLD BOY.

(VON STERN)EVERYONE
STAND STILL, DO NOT MOVE!

- VON STERN.
- COLONEL HORST VON STERN.

COMMANDANT OF STALAG 3.

I THINK YOU REMEMBER ME WELL.

WE REMEMBER YOU, ALRIGHT.

BUT THE WAR IS OVER, OLD BOY.

YOUR SIDE LOST.

VON STERN FORGETS
THOSE MINOR DETAILS.

BUT WHAT I DO REMEMBER VERY WELL IS THE
HUMILIATION THAT I SUFFERED AT YOUR HANDS.

DANNY, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

YOU THINK COMMANDANTS
HAVE NO FANTASIES?

THIS IS MINE!

YOU ARE MY PRISONERS.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

AND IT'S GONE FAR ENOUGH.

(GUNSHOTS)

TAKE THEM AWAY.

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, THAT'S A COMPUTER.
VERY COMPLICATED.

YOU KNOW, LIFE IS
VERY COMPLICATED.

THAT'S WHY I CAME HERE.

TO UNCOMPLICATE MY LIFE.

UGH! STUPID MACHINE.

SO, YOU'RE A FREELANCE
MAGAZINE WRITER.

YES MA'AM. I'M DOING A PIECE ON MISS
CLARKE'S SENSITIVITY TRAINING TECHNIQUES.

OH, SO THAT'S WHY YOU
ASK SO MANY QUESTIONS.

BEING A PHOTOGRAPHER'S
MODEL IS LIKE ANYTHING ELSE,

IT'S GOT ITS GOOD AND ITS BAD
POINTS, BUT IT'S A GOOD LIVING.

SO DOES INTERIOR DESIGN.

BUT I GET SO BORED.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. MATTHEWS?
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

I SELL ICE BOXES TO
ESKIMOS. ANYTHING ELSE?

YES, WHY SO HOSTILE?

BECAUSE I DON'T ENJOY BEING
GRILLED LIKE SOME PENNY ANTE CROOK.

WELL, I WONDER WHAT CHARLIE'S
ANGELS WOULD BE DOING RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

HMM... UNLESS I MISSED
MY GUESS, THEY'D BE

CHECKING OUT THE
MYSTERIOUS JOE MATTHEWS...

VERY CAREFULLY.

STARTING OUT WITH
HIS BUNGALOW, RIGHT?

OPEN THE GATE!

I'M ALL FOR DEJA VU, BUT THIS IS A
TOUCH MORE THAN I EVER CONJURED ON.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

SILENCE!

TALK IS REVOLTING.

AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE
ARE FOUR GRAVES...

AND THERE ARE 1, 2, 3, 4 OF YOU.

LOOK, HE'S CRAZY.

HE ALWAYS WAS PSYCHO.

THIS TIME THERE WILL BE NO
ATTEMPTED ESCAPE FROM STALAG 3.

DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?

YA VOL, COLONEL, YA VOL.

(GERMAN ACCENT) THERE WILL BE NO
MORE ESCAPE ATTEMPTS FROM STALAG 3.

TAKE THOSE PRISONERS
TO THE BARRACKS.

HE CAME HERE FOR SENSITIVITY
TRAINING, SO THAT'S WHAT YOU GET.

NOW WERE GOING TO START OUT BY EXPERIENCING
HUMAN CONTACT IN ITS MOST PRIMITIVE FORM.

I JUST LOVE DOING THIS.

DO YOU LOVE DOING THIS?

IF YOU DO, I DO.

(LAUGHTER)

ALRIGHT, NOW THAT WE
ARE ALL COMFORTABLE,

WE'RE GOING TO TAKE
TURNS TOUCHING EACH OTHER.

YOU HEARD ME, TOUCHING.

REACH ACROSS AND TOUCH
YOUR PARTNER'S HAND.

OKAY. NOW TOUCH AND FEEL.

TOUCH AND FEEL.

EXCUSE ME.

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS
JOE MATTHEWS BUNGALOW?

POSITIVE.

THERE IS NOTHING IN HERE.

OKAY, IF I CRACKED A SAFE,

WHERE WOULD I STASH THE LOOT?

REMEMBER THAT
CHARLIE'S ANGELS EPISODE

WHERE SABRINA GOT INVOLVED
WITH THE POLE VAULTER?

OH YEAH, WHERE HE STOLE THE
NECKLACE, AND HID IT IN THE FRIDGE?

RIGHT.

I GOT A BETTER IDEA.

COME ON BABY.

PAY DIRT!

THESE HAD TO COME
FROM LIZZIE'S SAFE.

LOOK, THIS ONE BELONGS
TO DICK STANTON.

STILL GOT THE CASH IN EM.

CHICKEN FEED.

I WANT TO KNOW WHERE
THE VALUABLE ITEMS ARE.

LIKE THE HALF MILLION
DOLLAR BROOCH.

HEY AMBER, WHAT'S THAT?

I'VE SEEN ONE OF THESE
BEFORE IN MY POLI-SCIENCE CLASS.

IT'S AN M-206 SUPERCAM
SCANNING DEVICE.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH IT?

IT'S THE MOST SOPHISTICATED
DEVICE GOING FOR OPENING SAFES.

IT TAKES AN ELECTRONIC GENIUS
TO KNOW HOW TO WORK THIS THING.

ALRIGHT LADIES, TURN
AROUND AND FACE THIS WAY.

COME ON, GET BACK IN THE ROOM.

PUT THAT DOWN.

PUT IT DOWN, GO ON, GET BACK!

WHO WANTS TO EXPLAIN
WHAT'S GOING ON?

NOBODY!

(GUNFIRE)

ALRIGHT, LIKE I SAID,
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE NOW?

WE JUST DISCOVERED
WHERE YOU STASHED PART OF

THE LOOT AFTER RIPPING
OFF LIZ CLARK'S SAFE.

ARE YOU SAYING SOMEBODY
KNOCKED OFF LIZZIE'S SAFE?

BECAUSE IF YOU ARE,
I'M IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.

YOU BETTER BELIEVE
YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

SAFE CRACKING.

THAT USED TO BE MY
RACKET, BUT I'M RETIRED NOW.

ANY PARTICULAR REASON
WHY WE SHOULD BELIEVE YOU?

YEAH...

YEAH, BECAUSE THIS
WHOLE THING IS TOO PAT.

LIKE MY TRIP TO THIS
ISLAND. I DIDN'T PAY FOR IT.

IT WAS ALL EXPENSE PAID VACATION,
SENT TO ME BY ANONYMOUS.

AND NOW I AM BETTING IT'S THAT SAME
ANONYMOUS THAT BUSTED LIZZIE'S SAFE,

FRAMED ME WITH ALL THIS JUNK, AND
THEN TOOK OFF WITH THE HEAVY STUFF.

REASONABLE?

IT WON'T WASH, MATTHEWS.

GOD AS MY WITNESS.

STOP NAME DROPPING.

ALRIGHT, NOBODY GETS CRAZY HERE.

AND NOBODY LEAVES THIS
CABIN FOR FIVE MINUTES, ALRIGHT?

GOT IT, FIVE MINUTES.

(SIGH OF RELIEF)

WELL, WE CERTAINLY
HANDLED THAT SUSPECT.

YEAH, WE BETTER
CHECK IN WITH BOSLEY.

YOU MEAN TATTOO.

I DON'T THINK MR. MATTHEWS
CRACKED THE SAFE.

WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

ACCORDING TO HIS POLICE
RECORD, HE'S MORE A PROWLER...

I COULDN'T FIND ANY
SCRATCH ON THE SET.

BUT LIKE I TOLD YOU, WE FOUND THE
M-206 SCANNER THAT HE USED TO OPEN IT.

CRIMINALS RARELY CHANGE
THEIR M.O, THAT'S A FACT.

CHARLIE'S ALWAYS TELLING
THAT TO THE ANGELS.

IF MATTHEWS IS TELLING THE
TRUTH ABOUT NOT BEING GUILTY,

SOMEBODY COULD HAVE PLANTED
THAT M-206 AS EVIDENCED TO FRAME HIM.

OR MATTHEWS CAN
HAVE AN ACCOMPLICE,

SOMEONE WHO IS AN
EXPERT IN ELECTRONICS.

THAT'S A POSSIBILITY.

I BETTER CALL CHARLIE...
I MEAN, MR. ROARKE.

WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
VON STERN WANTS US FOR?

WHO KNOWS, REVENGE?

(LAUGHTER)

WE SURE MADE A KLUTZ
OUT OF HIM IN 1944.

(LAUGHTER)

DANNY IS RIGHT. UP UNTIL THEN, HE WAS
A HIGH MUCKETY-MUCK WITH THE NAZIS.

YEAH.

IN CHARGE OF OFFICIAL
LOOTING IN THE AREA.

PAINTINGS, GOLD, JEWELRY.

ANYTHING THEY CAN GET
THEIR CRUMMY HANDS ON.

I REMEMBER READING SOMEWHERE THAT
HE AND A BUNCH OF OTHER EX-WAR CRIMINALS

WERE LIVING IN SOUTH AMERICA.

TRYING TO RAISE FUNDS
FOR A FOURTH REICH.

LT. EDWARD HODGES.

MR. HODGES, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

IT'S ONE THING FOR VON
STERN TO THE BALMY,

BUT HOW DID HE PERSUADE THOSE
YOUNG MEN TO COME WITH THEM.

MAYBE HE PROMISED THEM THAT
THIS TIME AROUND, THEY'D WIN THE WAR.

THINK OF 1944.

ARE YOU THE ONE WHO CREPT
INTO MY ROOM WHILE I SLEPT,

AND STOLE MY
SYMBOL OF AUTHORITY?

I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA
OF WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

A RIDING CROP,
SIMILAR TO THIS ONE.

WHO WOULD WANT TO STEAL THAT?

YOU AND YOUR MEN DUG TUNNELS, SOME
TO THE SOUTH AND SOME TO THE NORTH.

AND WHILE WE WAITED FOR HOURS,
PATIENTLY FOR THE PRISONERS TO CRAWL OUT,

THEY ESCAPED TO THE EAST.

DECEPTION.

WE WERE DECEIVED,
AND THEY ESCAPED.

MR. GARNER, WHAT KIND OF DECEPTION
WAS USED WHEN YOU STOLE MY RIDING CROP?

AND WHERE IS IT NOW?

I AM WARNING YOU, I'M AT
THE END OF MY PATIENCE.

EITHER YOU RETURN MY RIDING
CROP, OR YOUR LIFE IS AT AN END.

I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU
FOR TWO HOURS, I DON'T

KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
YOUR STUPID RIDING CROP.

SO, YOU REFUSE TO TELL ME.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND,
YOU WILL ALL DIE?

HERR COMMANDANT, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
TWO ASPIRIN AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING.

CAPTAIN RYAN,

EITHER YOU WILL TALK

OR THE FOUR OF YOU WILL
OCCUPY THE FOUR GRAVES.

AND THAT IS A PROMISE.

OH, MR. ROARKE.

MISS AINSLEY.

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

IS THERE A PROBLEM,
IS SOMETHING WRONG?

GOOD EVENING, LADIES.

GOOD EVENING.

TATTOO...

IN ANSWER TO YOUR
QUESTION MISS AINSLIE, I

HAVE COME HERE OUT OF
CONCERN FOR YOUR SAFETY.

YES, YES.

YOU SEE, TATTOO PHONED ME ABOUT
YOUR ENCOUNTER WITH MR. MATTHEWS...

FIGHTING FOR A GUN?

ONE OR MORE OF YOU
COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

I THOUGHT WE HANDLED
OURSELVES PRETTY WELL.

I'M SORRY, I'M AFRAID IT IS
AS I SAID IN THE BEGINNING.

THIS FANTASY IS TOO
DANGEROUS FOR NEOPHYTES.

FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY, I STRONGLY
URGE THAT YOU GIVE UP THIS INVESTIGATION.

I'M SORRY MR. ROARKE,
WE CAN'T QUIT NOW.

AMBER IS RIGHT.

- WE'RE COMMITTED.
- SO ARE YOU, MR. ROARKE.

YOU SAID THIS WAS OUR CAPER.

AND IT IS, AND WE'RE
GOING ALL THE WAY.

I SEE.

THIS IS YOUR FINAL DECISION?

FINAL AND IRREVOCABLE.

TATTOO...

I STICK WITH THEM, BOSS.

(DOGS BARKING)

HEIL HITLER.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

MANNY, MON CHER...

I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PRISONER?

WHEN WAS I EVER A PRISONER, ANY
PLACE, ANY TIME... FOR VERY LONG?

(CHUCKLE)

DURING THOSE DAYS WHEN
YOU LET US HIDE IN YOUR

CELLAR, I GAVE YOU
SOMETHING TO KEEP FOR ME.

THERE WAS SO MUCH
GOING ON IN THOSE DAYS.

A RIDING CROP.

THE COMMANDANT'S
BLACK RIDING CROP.

YOU REMEMBER, DON'T YOU?

NO.

I USED TO PARADE UP AND
DOWN WITH IT, REMEMBER?

OUI, I REMEMBER NOW.

I WAS STILL AFRAID
OF THE GERMANS.

SO I HID IT.

- IN THE CELLAR.
- IN THE CELLAR?

WELL WAIT...

IF MR. ROARKE HAD THE
WHOLE VILLAGE MOVED,

STONE BY STONE,
BUILDING BY BUILDING,

EVERYTHING PRACTICALLY INTACT.

IT COULD STILL BE
THERE IN THE CELLAR.

ANYWAY, THERE'S A CHANCE.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, YOU WILL REMAIN
QUIET AND DO AS THE GENTLEMAN SAYS.

WELL?

AHH!

VOILA!

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS IT.

THIS IS IT, THIS IS IT!

QU'EST-CE QUE...

AH, HERE WE GO.

LOOK AT IT, FIFI. DIAMONDS.

LOOK AT THE SIZE
OF THOSE DIAMONDS.

OH, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA-LA, LA.

OH, LA, LA, LA, LA.

(CHUCKLE)

THIS IS WHAT VON STERN RISKED
HIS LIFE TO COME BACK FOR...

(LAUGHTER)

THOSE WERE MINE... A
TWO-BIT RIDING CROP,

WITH A FORTUNE HIDDEN INSIDE.

AND IT'S ALL OURS. ALL
WE'LL EVER NEED FOREVER.

COME ON, LETS GET OUT OF HERE WHILE
IT'S STILL DARK, BEFORE THEY MISS HIM.

YOU MEAN BACK TO STALAG 3?

ARE YOU KIDDING?
BACK TO THE STATES!

BUT WHAT ABOUT FOX?

AND GARNER, HODGES?

WE'LL SEND HELP FOR THEM
WHEN WE GET BACK TO ROARKE.

OH, DANNY. YOU WOULD
NOT DESERT YOUR COMRADES.

I'M NOT DESERTING THEM, BABY.

WHAT CAN I DO IF I WENT BACK?
I CAN NEVER GET OUT AGAIN.

THIS WAY, THERE'S A CHANCE TO GET
THE OTHERS OUT, EVEN BUY THEIR FREEDOM.

BUT VON STERN IS CRAZY.

WHEN HE FINDS OUT YOU
ARE GONE, HE MIGHT KILL THEM.

NO, VON STERN? SHHH...

HE'LL HOLD THEM FOR
HOSTAGE, TO BARGAIN WITH.

BUT YOU CAN'T BE
SURE OF THAT, CAN YOU?

LOOK, FIFI...

IF I GO BACK, I'LL
LOSE EVERYTHING.

MY ONE BIG BREAK.

I'M 54 YEARS OLD, I HAVEN'T GOT
TWO NICKELS TO RUB TOGETHER.

WHY DO YOU THINK I
CAME ON THIS FANTASY?

I WAS HOPING TO RAISE
MONEY FROM THEM.

FOR A DEAL.

THOSE GUYS, I MEAN...
THEY LIVE HIGH ON THE HOG.

FAT CATS.

ME, THIS IS MY ONE CHANCE.

BUT THEY'RE YOUR FRIENDS.

THEY RELY ON YOU.

THEY'VE GOT NO RIGHT TO!

I COULDN'T GET US ALL OUT.

BUT YOU CAN.

YOU WILL FIND A
WAY, ONLY YOU CAN.

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CAME
WITH YOU, ON YOUR FANTASY?

I DON'T KNOW. TO GET AWAY FROM THE
RAT RACE FOR A FEW DAYS, WHATEVER!

NO, DANNY.

THEY CAME BECAUSE OF YOU.

ME?

YOU ARE A VANISHING
BREED, DANNY RYAN.

YOU ARE WHAT EVERY
MAN DREAMS OF BEING.

YOU ARE A HERO.

(MUSIC)

TATTOO, I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR YOU. COME, WE HAVE TO TALK.

OHH, AH.

WHAT'S GOING ON, LIZZIE?

DOOMSDAY.

MR. AND MRS. STENTON HAVE DECIDED TO
THROW A PARTY FOR ALL THE GUESTS TONIGHT...

FORMAL.

SO?

SO, THEY'LL ALL WANT THEIR VALUABLES
FROM MY SAFE TO WEAR TO THE PARTY.

RIGHT, AND YOU
CAN'T PRODUCE THEM.

TRUST US.

RIGHT, GIRLS?

RIGHT, TRUST US.

WHY SHOULD SHE TRUST US?

BECAUSE...

BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO RETURN
EVERY MISSING ITEM FROM YOUR SAFE,

NO LATER THAN 5 P.M. TODAY.

OH, THANKS KIDS.
THANKS A MILLION.

HALF A MILLION.

HOW ARE WE GOING TO DO THAT?

UH HUH...

I DON'T HAVE A CLUE.

BUT LET'S WORRY ABOUT
IT OVER BREAKFAST.

I'M STARVED.

HELLO.

A TABLE FOR FOUR PLEASE.

YOO-HOO!

THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.

WE SAVED SOME SEATS
FOR YOU, WON'T YOU JOIN US?

- YES.
- GOOD MORNING.

- GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING.

I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE
THROWING A PARTY TONIGHT.

YES, I DO HOPE THAT
YOU CAN ALL COME.

NO REASON WHY WE CAN'T.

I HAD TO TALK TO DICK INTO IT.

HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND A
WOMAN'S NEED TO GET ALL DOLLED UP.

IF I HAD A BROOCH LIKE YOURS,
I'D GO FORMAL ALL THE TIME.

OH, YOU'VE SEEN MY BROOCH?

UH, NO, NO, WORD-OF-MOUTH.

STUPID MACHINE.

SAY THAT'S A REAL BEAUTY,
MIND IF I HAVE A LOOK AT IT?

NO THAT'S OKAY, BUT I WARN
YOU, IT'S A VERY COMPLEX.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, JUST A SIMPLE
CALCULUS PROBLEM.

IT DOES CALCULUS?

CALCULUS, ALGEBRA, GEOMETRY.

TRIG, IT'S A GREAT
LITTLE MACHINE.

I SEE YOU GOT THE
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY.

FULL FLOATING DECIMAL.

REDUNDANT VOCODING SCHEME.

GEOMETRIC RECALL AND
THE SOLUTION INTERLACE.

YOU DO UNDERSTAND
ALL OF THIS, DON'T YOU?

YES, OF COURSE.

YOU SEEM TO BE VERY COMFORTABLE
WITH THAT COMPUTER, MR. STATON.

HE SHOULD BE, DICK'S GOT
2 DEGREES IN ELECTRONICS.

I WAS WITH THE SPACE PROGRAM.

UNTIL IT DRIED UP.

THAT'S WHEN WE
WENT INTO REAL ESTATE.

INTERESTING.

VERY INTERESTING.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
SANTA CLAUS HAS ARRIVED.

WHERE IN BLAZES HAVE YOU BEEN?

LOOK AT THE OUTFIT.

AND THIS IS WHAT
IT WAS ALL ABOUT.

VON STERNS RIDING CROP.

THE LITTLE SLOBS
SYMBOL OF AUTHORITY.

AND IT IS FILLED WITH THE BIGGEST
DIAMONDS YOU HAVE EVER SEEN.

LOOK AT THESE!

DIAMONDS, OF COURSE.

MUCKETY MUCK IN
CHARGE OF LOOTING.

STASHES AWAY A
FORTUNE FOR HIMSELF.

IF WE GIVE IT TO HIM, MAYBE
HE WILL DROP THE WHOLE THING.

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING, FRIEND.

WE GIVE HIM THIS, IT'LL JUST MAKE
IT TIME TO FILL THOSE FOUR GRAVES.

YEAH, BUT WE GOT
TO DO SOMETHING.

BEFORE VON STERN STARTS
HIS INQUISITION AGAIN.

YES. WELL, DURING MY TRAVELS, I
INSPECTED THAT TANK OUT THERE...

THE ONE WITH THE CANON,
AND THE MACHINE GUN.

BUST OUT OF HERE, IN
BROAD DAYLIGHT, IT'S SUICIDE!

IT'S SUICIDE TO STAY HERE.

BESIDES, I WANT TO SEE VON STERN'S FACE
WHEN WE BUST OUT ON HIM A SECOND TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

DON'T YOU SEE, IT ALL FITS.
HE'S AN ELECTRONICS EXPERT.

GINNY, WHERE COULD IT BE?

AMBER, MAYBE WE ARE WRONG.

JUST BECAUSE STANTON HAS
DEGREES IN ELECTRONICS...

EVEN IF THEY DID STEAL THEIR OWN
BROOCH FOR WHAT EVER REASON,

WHY WOULD THEY
THROW A FORMAL PARTY,

WHEN THE BROOCH IS BOUND
TO BE DISCOVERED MISSING?

GINNY, DON'T YOU SEE, THE
PARTY MAKES EVERYTHING FIT.

WHEN THE SAFE IS OPEN IN FRONT OF
WITNESSES AND THE BROOCH IS GONE,

THEY'LL HAVE AN IRONCLAD
CLAIM FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY.

NOW I JUST KNOW THAT THE
BROOCH IS IN HERE SOMEWHERE.

HALT!

(SIRENS)

HALT!

HALT!

HALT!

(GUNFIRE)

HOLD ON, HERE WE GO!

(EXPLOSION)

WE GOT IT, BABY!

ALRIGHT BOYS, IT'S
ABOUT TIME WE DID IT.

YEAH!

WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO NEXT, IS
GET IN TOUCH WITH OUR ANIMAL INSTINCTS.

NOW ONCE YOU'VE MADE CONTACT,
START TO BECOME THAT ANIMAL.

JUST LET GO OF ALL
YOUR INHIBITIONS.

JUST CONCENTRATE, FEEL IT.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT, NOW YOU'RE
STARTING TO DO IT.

NOW YOU ARE STARTING TO FEEL IT.

THAT'S MARVELOUS.

THEY'LL BE OPENING THE
SAFE IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

I'VE GOT TO BE THERE
TO PICK UP YOUR BROOCH.

MEOW.

FIRE!

FIRE, FIRE!

WHAT'S ON FIRE?

YOUR BUNGALOW.

WHAT!

I HOPE THE SMOKE
BOMBS FOOL STANTON.

I'LL SEE IF HE'S COMING.

HE'S COMING, ALRIGHT.

PLEASE MAKE IT WORK.

(COUGHING)

ALRIGHT, FREEZE!

JOYCE, GET OUT OF HERE.

GO!

VERY GOOD, LADIES.

SHALL I BRING THE LIFEGUARD?

LET THEM SOAK FOR A WHILE.

YEAH, DIAMONDS
DON'T RUST, DO THEY?

I DON'T THINK SO.

WELL TATTOO, HOW DID WE DO?

VERY WELL, JUST LIKE ANGELS.

THANKS.

(CHUCKLES)

WE GOT MORE THAN
WE BARGAINED FOR.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

PLEASURE, TATTOO.

- BYE, MR. ROARKE.
- THANK YOU.

WELL...

I AH... I SINCERELY REGRET YOU
CANNOT KEEP THE DIAMONDS,

BUT THEY ARE BEING RETURNED TO THE
MILROW FAMILY, FROM WHOM THEY WERE LOOTED.

NO SORRIER THAN I AM.

PERHAPS THERE IS
SOMETHING TO CHEER YOU UP.

THE MILROW FAMILY HAS ASKED ME
TO GIVE YOU THIS IN APPRECIATION.

A $100,000 FINDERS FEE.

100...

HEY... HEY, THEY ARE OKAY FOLKS.

IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I
NEEDED FOR MY DEAL.

PLUS FIFI. YOU KNOW,

THIS IS ONE FANTASY THAT'S
BEEN REALLY FULFILLING.

AWE.

TELL ME, MR. ROARKE, WHAT
EVER HAPPENED TO VON STERN?

WELL, THE COLONEL MAY HAVE
COME TO MY ISLAND UNANNOUNCED,

BUT I ASSURE YOU THAT'S
NOT THE WAY HE IS LEAVING.

NO, HE IS BEING
RETURNED TO GERMANY,

WHERE HE WILL FACE TRIAL.

ALRIGHT!

THANKS AGAIN.

YOU ARE VERY WELCOME,
MR. RYAN. MY PLEASURE.

GOODBYE.

- AU REVOIR.
- AU REVOIR.

SEE YA.

THANK YOU.

HELLO, MR. ROARKE.

AND HERE ARE OUR THREE ANGELS.

WELL, HOW DID YOU
ENJOY YOUR FANTASY?

MORE THAN WE EVER
EXPECTED, MR. ROARKE.

I'M DELIGHTED.

FOR A WHILE, IT LOOKED AS IF THESE ANGELS
WERE ABOUT TO GET THEIR WINGS SINGED.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS WE
ACCOMPLISHED WHAT WE SET OUT TO DO.

RIGHT.

YES.

AND THE QUESTION
IS... WHAT NOW, LADIES?

WELL, WE THOUGHT ABOUT
APPLYING FOR POLICE CADET TRAINING,

TO BECOME REAL POLICE OFFICERS.

OHH, AND?

NO WAY, WE ARE GOING
BACK TO BEING SECRETARIES.

ALL THE GORGEOUS CLOTHES THE ANGELS
WEAR AND THE GLAMOROUS PLACES THEY GO,

THAT'S ON TELEVISION, I GUESS.

I GUESS.

YOU SEE, THE LAST TIME I
TALKED TO THE ANGELS...

THEIR FANTASY WAS
TO BE SECRETARIES.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, IT WAS NICE
MEETING YOU, MR. ROARKE.

THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.

NICE WORKING WITH YOU, BOSLEY.

- IT WAS LOVELY HAVING YOU.
- IT WAS WONDERFUL.

- THANKS A LOT.
- BYE.

- BOSS?
- YES?

DID YOU REALLY
SPEAK TO THE ANGELS?

ALL THE TIME,
TATTOO. ALL THE TIME.

BUT TELL ME, HOW
DID YOUR FANTASY GO?

NOT VERY GOOD, BOSS.

AND WHY NOT, PRAY TELL?

WELL, NO TIME.

ALL THAT TOUCHING AND FEELING, I
WAS JUST GETTING THE HANG OF IT.

TATTOO, YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE PLAYING DETECTIVE.

WELL, THAT BRINGS
ANOTHER PROBLEM.

WHAT'S THAT?

WHEN I WAS PLAYING THE
DETECTIVE, THEY STOLE MY COMPUTER.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M SORRY, BUT...

(LAUGHTER)