Fantasy Island (1977–1984): Season 2, Episode 11 - Carnival/The Vaudevillians - full transcript

(MUSIC)

(BELL RINGS)

THE PLANE! THE PLANE!

GOOD MORNING, BOSS.

GOOD MORNING TATTOO.

WELL, YOU SEEM TO BE
IN EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD

SPIRITS THIS MORNING..

WHY NOT, I'M GOING TO BECOME
A MILLIONARE VERY SOON.

AGAIN? AND WHAT MARVELOUS MONEY MAKING
IDEA HAVE YOU COME UP WITH THIS TIME?

OH, THIS TIME IT'S A WINNER.

I HAVE BECOME AN INVENTOR. SEE?



(MR. ROARKE) INDEED. WHAT IS IT?

(TATTOO) OH, IT'S
A SLEEPING BAG.

LOOKS AWFULLY SMALL
FOR A SLEEPING BAG.

OH, IT'S BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD
TWO PEOPLE OF YOUR SIZE.

IN SUCH A SMALL OBJECT AS THIS?

(TATTOO) UH, HUH.

(MR. ROARKE) WHAT'S THIS STRING?

(TATTOO) YOU JUST
PULL THE STRING,

AND THE BAG WILL UNFOLD.

AND THEN YOU ARE READY
FOR A NICE COZY EVENING.

REALLY?

WHY DONT YOU TRY IT?

ALRIGHT.

INVENTOR INDEED!



WELL, BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD.

SMILES EVERYONE. SMILES.

(MUSIC)

(MR. ROARKE) MR. CHARLIE PARKS
FROM SPOKANE WASHINGTON.

A REAL OLD TIMER.

WHO IS HE?

A RUNAWAY.

RUNAWAY, AT HIS AGE?

FROM WHAT?

NOT FROM WHAT. WHOM.

MR. PARKS IS RUNNING
AWAY FROM HIS CHILDREN.

YOU SEE, THEY WANT TO PLACE
HIM IN A RETIREMENT HOME.

(TATTOO) AND HIS FANTASY
IS NOT TO GET CAUGHT.

HIS FANTASY MY FRIEND IS TO
BECOME A SUCCESS IN VAUDEVILLE.

VAUDEVILLE? IT'S
BEEN DEAD FOR YEARS.

THAT'S TRUE BUT, MR. PARKS
IS CONVINCED THAT HE AND HIS

FORMER PARTNER CAN
BREATHE NEW LIFE INTO IT.

YOU MEAN THERE IS TWO
PEOPLE WHO STILL BELIEVE

THAT VAUDEVILLE CAN
BE BROUGHT BACK?

HIS PARTNER IS WILL FIELDS.

THE TWO OF THEM HAVE NOT SEEN
EACH OTHER IN THIRTY FIVE YEARS,

WHEN THEY LAST LAST APPEARED
ON STAGE AS PARKS AND FIELDS.

OH BOSS, YOU ARE BACKING
A REAL LOSER THIS TIME.

BOSS, THAT YOUNG LADY,

SHE SEEMS ALMOST
AFRAID TO LEAVE THE PLANE.

PERHAPS SHE IS AFRAID
OF FINDING THAT HER MOST

CHERISHED MEMORY WAS
NOTHING MORE THAN A FANTASY.

THAT'S PRETTY CONFUSING.

THE YOUNG LADY
IS DOROTHY WELLER.

SHE'S A SCRETARY. TWO YEARS
AGO SHE VISITED GUADALUPE

AND FELL IN LOVE WITH
MAN OF HER DREAMS.

THEY ENJOYED A GLORIOUS
THREE DAY ROMANCE.

ONLY THREE DAYS? WHY SO BRIEF?

AFTER AN AUTO ACCIDENT,
MS. WELLER WAS IN A COMA.

WHEN SHE RECOVERED,
HER LOVER HAD DISAPPERED

AND EVERYONE DENIED THAT
SUCH A MAN EVER EXISTED.

NOW, SHE FEARS THAT
PERHAPS IT WASN'T REAL.

THAT SHE DREAMED
THE ROMANTIC IDOL WHILE

UNCONCSIOUS AFTER THE ACCIDENT.

AND THAT'S WHY SHE
COME ON FANTASY ISLAND?

TO FIND OUT ONCE AND FOR
ALL WHETHER THE MAN SHE FELL

IN LOVE WITH REALLY EXISTED OR
WAS MERELY A BEAUTIFUL DREAM.

MY DEAR GUESTS, I AM
MR. ROARKE, YOUR HOST.

WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND.

LIKE I SAID IN MY LETTER, I ADVERTISE IN
THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER, THE DAILY VARIETY.

EVERY TRADE PAPER AROUND,
BUT I COULD NOT FIND MY PARTNER.

WHERE DID YOU LOCATE
HIM, MR. ROARKE?

JERSEY CITY, NEW JERSEY.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT.

HE'S ON ONE COAST,
I'M ON THE OTHER COAST.

HOW IS HE?

FOR A YOUNG MAN OF SIXTY SEVEN, HE'S
IN VERY FINE FINE CONDITION, MR. PARKS.

GOD LOVE HIM.
WILL IS SUCH A HAM.

HE BELONGS BETWEEN
TWO SLICES OF BREAD.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, WHEN CAN I
SEE THE OLD GEEZER?

RIGHT NOW. JUST STEP INSIDE.

- YOU MEAN HE'S IN HERE?
- YES.

COME ON.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

OH, I SEE THE LOOK OF DISAPPONITMENT
ON YOUR FACE, MR. FIELDS.

WERE YOU EXPECTING SOMEONE ELSE?

YOUR EX-PARTNER, PERHAPS?

WELL, ACTUALLY YES.

- TA, TA, TA, DAH!
- CHARLIE.

DO YOU THINK
CRANBERRIES ARE HEALTHY?

THEY MUST BE, I'VE NEVER
HEARD ONE COMPLAIN.

(LAUGHTER)

CHARLIE, CHARLIE,
CHARLIE. HOW DO YOU FEEL?

HOW DO I LOOK?

HOW DID YOU GET HURT?

(LAUGHTER)

TATTOO, DO YOU GET THE FEELING
THAT WE ARE SOMEWHAT UNNECESSARY?

WE ARE GOING TO
BE TERRIFIC CHARLIE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT TERRIFIC!

CHARLIE, YOU'RE
MAKING ME LIVE AGAIN.

HOW ABOUT A DRINK?
YOU WANT A LITTLE TOUCH.

WELL, I DONT NEED A TOUCH I'M
FLAOTING JUST BEING WITH YOU.

SIT DOWN.

MR. ROARKE SAID HE
FOUND YOU IN JERSY CITY.

WHAT HAPPENED? DID YOU GET LOST?

NO, NO. COME ON,
I LIKE JERSEY CITY.

I'VE BEEN LIVING THERE
TEN YEARS. HOW ABOUT YOU?

3000 MILES AWAY. WALLA WALLA!

WALLA WALLA WASHINGTON, HUH.

WHAT YOU DO SNATCH
A POCKET BOOK?

COME ON, IT'S MY HOME.

LET ME ASK YOU, DID
YOU EVER GET MARRIED?

NO, NO, NO. STILL GOT
MY BACHELOR'S DEGREE.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

SHE PAST AWAY SOME
THREE YEARS AGO.

OH, I'M SORRY CHARLIE.

- COME ON WILL.
- WHAT CAN A GUY SAY?

WILL, IT'S OK. I GOT TWO
GREAT KIDS. A BOY AND A GIRL.

ALL GROWN UP AND
OUT ON THEIR OWN.

GOOD BOY, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

HEY, I SEE YOU'VE BEEN
GOING OVER THE OLD ROUTINE?

NOT GOING OVER THE OLD
ROUTINES. THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL MAN.

YOU'VE GOT SOME
JEWELES IN THERE.

YOU'VE GOT SOME BAFFS.

NOT ONLY THAT, IT'S GOT
CLASS, CHARLIE. CLASS!

THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT
TODAY, CLASS AND FUN.

BOY HEARING THAT FROM YOU
MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY.

I'VE BEEN POLISHING UP THAT
STUFF FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS.

THINK YOU CAN HANDLE SUCCESS
LIKE YOU DID IN THE OLD DAYS, WILL?

CAN'T WAIT TO GET ON
THOSE BOARDS, CHARLIE!

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING...

YOU THINK WE GOT A CHANCE?

SURE WE DO.

I KNOW WE DO!

LET'S GET ON WITH THE REHEARSAL.

- LET'S MOVE IT.
- NOW LOOK, I THINK...

WHAT KIND OF CLOTHES DO I WEAR?

- I WANT BETTER...
- LOUD, LOUD!

OH, WHERE ARE WE
GOING, MR. ROARKE?

YOU WILL SEE PRESENTLY.

COULD YOU ANSWER ONE QUESTION?

DOES TOM EXIST OR
DID I JUST IMAGINE HIM?

I'M AFRAID YOU WILL HAVE TO
DISCOVER THAT FOR YOURSELF.

BUT, MY FANTASY,
YOU PROMISED ME...

THAT YOU WILL KNOW THE TRUTH,

AND YOU WILL MS. WELLER.

BEFORE YOUR STAY ENDS.

AT LEAST YOU CAN TELL
ME WHERE WE ARE GOING.

TO A CERTAIN SMALL VILLAGE.

IN MANY RESPECTS, IT
RESEMBLES A PLACE IN GUADALUPE.

WHERE YOU BELIEVE
YOU MET MR. PARNELL.

(MUSIC)

(DOROTHY) WHY ALL THE
BALLOONS AND BANNERS?

(MR. ROARKE) THE VILLAGES ARE
PREPARING FOR THE "FIESTA DE LA PRIMAVERA".

THIS MORE THAN RESEMBLES
THE PLACE, MR. ROARKE.

IT'S ALMOST A CARBON COPY.

REALLY?

UH HUH.

YOU WILL BE STAYING HERE. AS
YOU CAN SEE YOU ARE EXPECTED.

WELL, WHAT NOW?

I'M AFRAID CIRCUMSTANCES
MUST STEER THEIR OWN COURSE.

OH, THAT'S NOT MINE.

OH YES, YES IT IS.
IT'S YOUR COSTUME.

COSTUME? FOR WHAT?

(MUSIC)

THAT TUNE.

YOU HEAR IT TOO, DONT YOU?

YES.

WE USED TO SIT IN A LITTLE
CAFE AND LISTEN TO IT.

(DOROTHY) I THOUGHT
I HAD IMAGINED IT.

IF THE SONG IS
REAL, THEN MAYBE...

EXCUSE ME, MR. ROURKE.

(MUSIC)

SI, SEÑORITA?

THAT SONG, WHAT'S IT CALLED?

OH IT IS NOTHING IMPORTANT,
JUST A LITTLE CARNIVAL SONG.

BUT, TONIGHT WE'RE HAVING
OUR VILLAGE CARNIVAL.

I SEE.

I THINK I REMEMBER.

DO YOU KNOW A WINE
CALLED CUEVAS DE CAMPANET?

(PROPRIETOR) OH VERY WELL. I WOULD
OFFER YOU A GLASS, BUT UNFORTUNATELY,

A GENTLEMAN BACK THERE JUST
ORDERED THE VERY LAST BOTTLE.

BUT, I HAVE A VERY FINE MADERO,
I'M SURE YOU WOULD ENJOY.

TURKISH CIGARETTES. SO, I
DIDN'T IMAGINE THAT EITHER.

DID YOU SEE WHICH WAY HE WENT?

I DON'T NO SEÑORITA, BUT
PERHAPS HE WENT THIS WAY.

TOM.

TOM! TOM, WAIT PLEASE!

STOP, WAIT. TOM?

YES, MISS?

OH, I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEBODY...

I'M SORRY.

(MUSIC)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

YES, COME IN.

I DID IT, MR. ROARKE. I DID IT!

I SHOT DOWN THE RED BARRON.

THAT'S WONDERFUL, MR. SMITH.
UH, ACE! OH, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

I'LL BE THE ENVY OF THE SOPWITH
COVEN SOCIETY WHEN I TELL THEM ABOUT IT.

OH, WHAT A FIGHT HE PUT UP.

I CAME AT HIM, OUT OF THE SUN,

MY TWIN VICKER 303'S
STICHING HIS WINGS.

RA-TA TA-TA. RA-TA
TA-TA. (EXPLOSION SOUND).

HE WAS A GALLANT GENTLEMAN.

WE SALUTED EACH OTHER
AS HE WENT DOWN IN FLAMES.

BEAU GESTE, MR...
UH, ACE. BEAU GESTE.

OH... MR. ROARKE IS THERE AN
OPTOMETRIST ON THE ISLAND?

OF COURSE, MR. SMITH.
BUT, WHAT'S WORNG?

WELL, I'M AFRAID I
NEED NEW GLASSES.

FROM SOME ANGLES,
HIS FOLKER TRIPLANE

ACTUALLY LOOKED
LIKE A MINIATURE.

THE WINGS SEEMED
HARDLY 8 FEET LONG.

OH, I'M SURE THAT WAS JUST
THE EXCITEMENT OF THE MOMENT.

OH YES... (CHUCKLES)

WELL, THANK YOU MR. ROURKE.
THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.

(SINGING) OFF WE GO, INTO THE
WILD BLUE YONDER. OFF WE GO...

BOSS...

PROMISE ME. PROMISE ME THAT YOU
ARE NOT GOING TO SEND ANYMORE

RED BARRON FANTASIES.

BUT TATTOO, YOU KNOW IT'S ONE
OF OUR MOST POPULAR REQUESTS.

YES, BUT THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I GET
SHOT DOWN IN FLAMES THIS WEEK, YOU KNOW.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

(MR. FIELDS) NOW, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, AT THIS TIME WE PRESENT

THE INQUIRING REPORTER PROGRAM.

NOW, MY JOB IS TO INTERVIEW PEOPLE
YOU KNOW, AS THEY PASS THROUGH.

SO, IF I CAN SECURE THE
SERVICES OF A YOUNG MAN.

HOLD IT!

MY FRIEND, YOU WERE
ASKING FOR A YOUNG MAN?

YOU'RE IN THE WRONG ROOM.

YOU CAN'T LIVE LONG
ENOUGH TO LOOK THAT BAD.

YOU HEARD OF THE
MARCH OF TIME...

THIS IS HIS BROTHER, WASTE
OF TIME. DID YOU GET IT?

HA, HA. NOT BAD.
LOOK AT THAT FACE.

I WANT YOU TO GET A
LOOK AT THAT KISSER,

HE'S GOT MORE CHINS
THAN A CHINESE PHONEBOOK.

YOU CAN STAND HIM IN THE GARDEN
AND THE CROWS WOULD BRING BACK

STUFF THEY STOLE 8 MONTHS AGO.

TELL ME SOMETHING. WHAT
DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

I WORK IN A VENTIAN
BLIND FACTORY.

PRETTY GOOD. TELL ME SOMETHING.

HOW DO YOU MAKE
A VENETIAN BLIND?

WELL, THAT'S EASY. YOU POKE THEM
IN THE EYES. HOW ABOUT THAT ONE!

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW YOU THINK YOU
ARE PRETTY SMART, HUH.

I SHOULD BE. I WAS BORN TWINS.

BORN TWINS, HOW DOES
THAT MAKE YOU SO SMART?

WELL, TWO HEADS
ARE BETTER THAN ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU GET IT, TWO HEADS
ARE BETTER THAN ONE!

YOU HAVE ANY DIFFICULTY
WITH YOUR BROTHER?

I'LL SAY... EVERYTHING HE
DID I GOT THE BLAME FOR IT.

WELL, THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

LET ME EXPLAIN. WHEN WE
WERE KIDS AND PLAYED BASEBALL...

YEAH?

IF HE BROKE A WINDOW,
I GOT THE BLAME FOR IT.

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU LOOKED ALIKE.

YES!

WHAT ELSE?

LATER ON IN LIFE, I
MET A BEAUTIFUL GIRL.

OH YEAH, YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?

THAT RAT MARRIED HER!

WELL, THAT'S THE END BUDDY!
YOU CAN'T... I MEAN THAT'S AWFUL.

HO, HO... HOLD, HOLD
IT! I GOT EVEN WITH HIM.

HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY
GET EVEN WITH HIM?

WELL LAST WEEK I DIED,
AND THEY BURRIED HIM!

(LAUGHTER)

BRAVO! BRAVO! YOU BOTH ARE
GOING TO KILL THEM. I WAS RIGHT!

THANK YOU, TATTOO.
DID YOU LIKE THAT?

(MR. FIELDS) YOU
LIKED IT, HUH TATTOO?

PARTNER, LIKE WE'VE
NEVER BEEN AWAY!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- YES?
- PARA USTED, SEÑORITA.

WAIT! COME BACK!

THE BEACH BOAT HOUSE ALONE.

TOM!

OH! OH! IT'S REALLY YOU!

YEAH.

OH MY DARLING! YOU'RE REAL!

YOU'RE REAL!

DARLING, MAYBE YOU THINK I HAVEN'T
ACTED LIKE IT, BUT I DO LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU VER MUCH!

I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU EVERY
DAY FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS.

SOMEHOW I FEEL THAT EVERYTHING
IS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT NOW.

EVERYTHING.

COME IN.

AH, MRS. GREER, MR. PARKS.
HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.

(MR. ROARKE) COME IN.
HAVE A SEAT, WONT YOU.

I'LL STAND, THANK YOU.

ON THE PHONE YOU SAID, YOU
HAD A BONE TO PICK WITH ME.

WE WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU
ARE CHARGING OUR FATHER FOR THIS

RIDICULOUS SCHEME OF HIS
FOR BRINGING BACK VAUDEVILLE.

I'M AFRAID THE PRICES MY
GUESTS PAY ARE CONFIDENTIAL.

BUT, LET ME UNDERSTAND, ARE
YOU SUGGESTING THAT I AM SOMEHOW

SWINDLING YOUR
FATHER, MR. PARKS?

YOU TELL ME. VAUDEVILLE
IS DEAD AND BURIED.

OH YOUR FATHER PREFERS TO
THINK OF IT AS A SLEEPING GIANT.

ONE HE HOPES TO AWAKEN.

WITH ALL DO RESPECT,
OUR FATHER IS 66 YEARS OLD.

HE BELONGS IN A RETIREMENT
HOME, NOT IN A TROPICAL ISLAND

WITH SOME IDIOTIC FANTASY!

INDEED. UNFORUNATELY,
YOUR FATHER DOESN'T THINK SO.

OH COME ON NOW, MR. ROARKE.

YOU KNOW AND I KNOW THAT OLD PEOPLE DO
NOT ALWAYS DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THEMSELVES.

AND PEOPLE OF YOUR AGE DO?

WHEN CAN WE SEE OUR
FATHER, MR. ROARKE?

I'LL ARRANGE A MEETING.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE? TATTOO.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

UH HUH.

OK, GRACIAS! BUENOS DIAS.

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW TO DO THIS?

WELL, I'M A LITTLE
OUT OF PRACTICE.

(LAUGHTER)

- TRY IT. REALLY GOOD!
- OKAY.

OH!

IT'S DELICIOUS!

YOU KNOW, WHEN I
CAME TO AT THE HOSPITAL,

AFTER THE CRASH, I LOOKED EVERYWHERE,
BUT NOBODY COULD TELL ME ANYTHING.

THEY DIDN'T EVEN REMEMBER YOU.

I THOUGHT I WAS LOSING MY MIND.

THAT'S THE WAY IT HAD TO BE.

IT WASN'T AN ACCIDENT. WE WERE
BOTH SUPPOSED TO BE KILLED.

BUT, WHO? WHY?

I NEVER LIED TO YOU BECAUSE
YOU NEVER ASKED ME WHAT I DID.

I'VE BEEN A SPY. A
PROFESSIONAL SPY FOR TEN YEARS.

A SPY?

I WAS GOING TO QUIT WHEN
WE FIRST MET EACH OTHER,

BUT I MADE TOO MANY ENEMIES AND
THEY FOLLOWED ME TO GUADALUPE.

I KNEW YOU'D BE SAFE IF I LEFT.

THAT'S THE REASON FOR THE
LITLE BOY AND THE MESSAGE...

AND WHY WE CAN'T
MEET IN THE VILLAGE.

I HAD TO BE ABSOLUTELY
SURE WE WERE SAFE.

AND IS IT NOW?

UH, HUH. WE'LL NEVER LOSE
EACH OTHER EVER AGAIN.

BOSS, BOSS.

BOSS...

HMM?

LOOK AT MY NEW INVENTION.

I GOT THE PATENT RIGHTS
FROM MY COUSIN HUGO.

YOUR COUSIN HUGO?

TATTOO WILL YOU NEVER LEARN.

OH, NO BOSS, BUT
THIS IS FANTASTIC.

IT'S A NEW LIGHTER
THAT WORKS ON WATER.

WATER? NO BUTANE
GAS? NO LIGHTER FLUID?

ONLY WATER!

IT'S A REAL ENERGY SAVER.
LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT WORKS.

ONE MINUTE.

OH SHOOT!

TATTOO, I MUST ADMIT I WAS
WRONG ABOUT YOUR COUSIN HUGO.

YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE MILLIONS
OF DOLLARS FROM A LIGHTER LIKE THAT.

BUT BOSS, HOW CAN I? THIS
THING DOESN'T EVEN WORK.

SIMPLE, YOU MERELY SELL IT TO
PEOPLE WHO WANT TO QUIT SMOKING..

(MUSIC)

CAN I MOVE IN WITH YOU?

NO. I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA.

WHY DON'T I MOVE IN WITH YOU?

OK, WHATEVER YOU WANT.

MR. ROARKE HAS LEFT ME A
BEAUTIFUL COSTUME FOR THE FESTIVAL,

SO LET'S DRESS UP, HAVE
FUN AND THEN COME HOME.

I'LL GO BACK TO MY HOTEL AND GET
MY STUFF. I'LL SEE YOU IN A LITTLE WHILE.

OK.

ALRIGHT.

BYE-BYE.

SO LONG.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SCREAMS)

THE GUY SITTING ON THE LOWER PORCH IS
FURIOUS. THE WATER KEEPS DRIPPING DOWN.

HE YELLS UP, HEY! THAT WATER IS DRIPPING
DOWN HERE! THAT'S MY WIFE SITTING HERE.

THE OTHER GUY YELLS DOWN, WHAT
DO YOU THINK I GOT UP HERE, A DUCK?

(LAUGHING)

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S MY KIDS.

LET ME GET OUT OF HERE.

WHY NOT STAY AND STRAIGHTEN
MATTERS OUT, MR. PARKS.

JUST A MINUTE, HOLD ON. YOU SET
THIS WHOLE THING UP, DIDN'T YOU?

DAD?

AREN'T YOU GOING TO
ASK US TO JOIN YOU, DAD?

YOU PROMISED ME MY SHOT!

SO I DID, MR. PARKS.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL SIT DOWN.

DO ME A FAVOR THOUGH,
SAVE THE LECTURES!

DAD, WE WANT YOU TO
CALL THIS WHOLE THING OFF

AND COME HOME WITH US.

I CAN'T. I'VE COMITTED TWENTY
THOUSAND DOLLARS WORTH.

DAD, THAT'S YOUR LIFE SAVINGS.

HOW CAN ONE SILLY
FANTASY BE SO EXPENSIVE?

WELL, IT ALL ADDS UP FAST.

MR. ROARKE HAD TO
LOCATE WILL, FLY HIM IN.

HE IS ALSO FLYING IN CRITICS,
BOOKING AGENTS, COSTUMES, MUSIC,

THEATER RENTALS. I
FIGURE I GOT OFF CHEAP.

HOW CAN I MAKE YOU TWO UNDERSTAND,
I HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS!

HAVE TO? WHAT
DOES THAT MEAN, DAD?

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING
TO ME? I'M YOUR FATHER.

I'M THE GUY THAT RAISED
YOU, WIPED YOUR NOSE,

CHANGED YOUR DIAPERS.

DOESN'T THAT COUNT FOR ANYTHING?

DAD!

DON'T YOU SEE EVERYBODY
HAS GOT A RIGHT TO THEIR DREAM.

EVERYBODY HAS GOT A RIGHT
TO TAKE A SHOT AT THE BIG TIME.

I NEVER REALIZED THAT
THIRTY FIVE YEARS AGO!

DAD, YOU'RE SIXTY SIX YEARS OLD.

OHHH. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I'M SUPPOSE TO ROLL
OVER AND PLAY DEAD.

SIXTY SIX IS A NUMBER, IT'S HOW
YOU FEEL INSIDE THAT COUNTS.

ADAM, DORIS PLEASE, DON'T
DUMP ME IN THAT OLD FOLKS HOME.

THAT'S NOTHING BUT A DYING ROOM!

STOP TALKING LIKE THAT.

THEN STOP GIVING ME A
REASON TO TALK LIKE THAT!

DAD, GIVE THIS UP.
COME HOME WITH US.

LISTEN TO HER, SHE'S RIGHT.

SHE'S NOT RIGHT! NEITHER
ONE OF YOU IS RIGHT!

WHEN THAT CURTAIN GOES
UP TONIGHT, PARKS AND FIELDS

ARE GONNA BE THERE, CENTERSTAGE!

DAD, I'LL MAKE ROOM FOR YOU.

NO, NO. IT'S MY RESPONSABILITY.

YOU CAN MOVE IN WITH JIM AND
ME. I'LL FIX UP THE ULTILITY ROOM.

THANKS A LOT. YOU MEAN THE
ONE OFF THE GARAGE. NO THANKS!

BUT THERE IS SOMETHING YOU CAN
DO FOR ME, IF ISN'T ASKING TOO MUCH.

SURE WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE ONES OWN
FLESH AND BLOOD UP FRONT APPLAUDING FOR US.

DAD, DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF.

BOSS, BOSS!

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LET THEM TAKE
THEIR FATHER'S FANTASY AWAY ARE YOU?

IT'S NOT UP TO ME TATTOO.

THAT DECISION BELONGS
TO THEIR FATHER.

YOU LOOK LIKE A TROUBLED MAN.

I'VE BEEN DEBATING
SOME THINGS MY KIDS SAID.

MAYBE THEY ARE RIGHT.

I'VE BEEN LIVING OUT A
FANTASY OF DESPERATION.

EITHER I BRING BACK VAUDEVILLE OR I
PACK MYSELF OFF TO THE OLD FOLKS HOME.

VAUDEVILLE ISN'T COMING
BACK. IT'S DEAD AND BURIED.

AND I'M NOT SO SURE I WOULDN'T
BE BETTER OFF THE SAME WAY.

YOU'RE JUST SCARED.

SURE I'M SCARED.

YOU EVER TRIED STANDING UP ON STAGE WITH
THE WHOLE AUDIENCE LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU.

I GOT A BETTER ONE FOR YOU.

TRY BEING A MIDGET AND HAVE THE
WHOLE WORLD LOOK DOWN ON YOU.

SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,
AND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GET OUT OF BED.

BUT, YOU CAN'T LIVE
YOUR LIFE IN HIDING.

MR. PARKS, YOU'VE BEEN WAITING
35 YEARS FOR THIS CHANCE.

DON'T CHICKEN OUT NOW. COME ON.

YOU ARE GOING TO
KILL THEM TONIGHT.

THANKS, TATTOO.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.

SI?

MS. WELLER, PLEASE.

OH, SHE'S NOT IN SEÑOR. BUT,
THE LADY ASKED WHERE SHE CAN

FIND A SEAMSTRESS
TO FIT A COSTUME.

I'D LIKE TO LEAVE A
MESSAGE FOR HER

AND BE DAMN SURE
YOU GET IT RIGHT!

WHAT IS THE MESSAGE?

WHO IS THIS?

I THINK YOU KNOW, TOM.

YEAH. YEAH, I KNOW.

NO RUNNING THIS
TIME, UNDERSTAND.

I'LL BE VERY CLOSE TO THE LADY.

MAKE SURE YOU MEET HER
AT THE CARNIVAL BY MIDNIGHT,

OR I'LL KILL HER.

THAT'S THE CHOICE, HER OR YOU!

(ANNOUNCER) NOW, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, PARKS AND FIELDS.

(MUSIC)

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

(MR. PARKS) I WROTE YOU A LETTER
LAST MONTH. WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER IT?

- I NEVER RECEIVED IT.
- YOU NEVER REICEIVED IT?

NO, BESIDES I DIDN'T LIKE SOME
OF THE THINGS YOU SAID IN IT.

THEY ARE STARING AT US.

UH, UH.

HEY, I THINK I'VE SEEN
YOUR FACE BEFORE.

HOW ODD.

IT CERTAINLY IS.

SAY, UH... YOU KNOW THAT
IN INDIA THE MOHAMMEDANS

THEY PRAY IN THE STREET.

THAT'S NOTHING, IN LOS ANGELES
PEDESTRIANS DO THE SAME THING.

(LAUGHTER)

GIVE ME A QUOTE FROM THE BIBLE.

FROM THE BIBLE, JUDAS WENT
OUT AND HANGED HIMSELF.

(BIRD SQUAWK)

YEAH, GIVE ME ANTHER ONE.

GO NOW AND DO LIKEWISE.

WE BETTER KEEP MOVING.

(SINGING) WE WERE SAILING ALONG,

ON MOONLIGHT BAY.

WE CAN HEAR THE VOICES RINGING.

THEY SEEM TO SAY

YOU STOLE MY HEART,
NOW, DON'T GO AWAY.

AS WE SANG LOVE'S OLD
SWEET SONG ON MOONLIGHT BAY.

WE WERE SAILING ALONG,

ON MOONLIGHT BAY.

WE CAN HEAR THE VOICES RINGING.

THEY SEEM TO SAY

YOU STOLE MY HEART,
NOW, DON'T GO AWAY.

AS WE SANG LOVE'S OLD
SWEET SONG ON MOONLIGHT BAY.

BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO!

I LOVED IT!

WHAT HAPPENED CHARLES?

WHAT WENT WRONG?

WE DID!

WHAT?

WILL, WE BLEW IT.

(MUSIC)

I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK THAT
I'D LOST YOU ALL OVER AGAIN.

YOU HAVE TO GET AWAY
AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

BUT, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
WE WOULD ALWAYS BE SAFE.

I WAS WRONG! COME ON!

THERE IS NO HOPE, WE HAVE
TO SEPARATE. NOW GO THAT WAY!

NO!

PLEASE RUN! GO ON, I'LL MEET
YOU AT THE BOAT HOUSE TOMORROW.

NOW RUN!

TOM!

(GUNSHOTS)

I'M SORRY MRS. WELLER,

THERE IS NOTHING ANYONE
CAN DO FOR HIM NOW. HE'S DEAD!

(SINGING) I'M ALWAYS
CHASING RAINBOWS.

WATCHING CLOUDS DRIFTING BY.

I SEE JUST LIKE ALL MY DREAMS

ENDING WITH THE SKY.

SOME FELLOWS LOOK
AND FIND THE SUNSHINE.

I ALWAYS LOOK AND FIND THE RAIN.

SOME FELLOWS MAKE
A WINNING SOMETIME

I NEVER EVEN MAKE A GAME.

BELIEVE ME,

I'M ALWAYS CHASING RAINBOWS.

WAITING TO FIND A
LITTLE BLUEBIRD IN VAIN.

(APPLAUSE)

WE WAITED FOR YOU
AT THE RECEPTION.

I'M SORRY, I NEVER LEARNED
HOW TO SMILE THROUGH A FLOP.

AT LEAST THEY DON'T
THROW TOMATOES ANYMORE.

DON'T BE TOO HASTY MR. PARKS.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE
MR. JEFF LOGAN.

HE HAS A BUSINESS PROPOSITION
FOR PARKS AND FIELDS.

HEY, HE SAID OUR NAMES.

YOU MEAN US, AS A TEAM?

OF COURSE. GENTLEMEN, I
HEAD UP A PILOT PROGRAM

FOR THE CITY OF BALTIMORE AND I
BELIEVE WE CAN USE YOUR TALENT.

HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE,
WHAT'S WITH THE PILOT PROGRAM?

WE'RE A LITTLE OLD FOR
FLIGHT TRAINING, RIGHT WILL?

THEY ARE SHORT ON
ASTRONAUTS, AND LISTEN.

(LAUGHTER)

GENTLEMEN, WE REALIZE THAT
THE MORALE OF THE ELDERLY

IS AS IMPORTANT AS GOOD HEALTH.

(MR. LOGAN) THEY NEED
ENTERTAINMENT AS MUCH AS ANYONE.

MAYBE MORE BECAUSE WELL,
THEY HAVE MORE TIME TO ENJOY IT.

BUT NOT EVERYTHING
WORKS FOR THEM.

WE GAVE THEM ROCK
MUSIC AND FAILED MISERABLY.

THEY SEEM TO LIKE THE TRIED
AND TRUE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU MEAN, THE OLD STUFF.

LIKE OUR MATERIAL.
LISTEN TO THE MAN.

WELL, LET'S CALL IT TIME TESTED.

SOLID LIKE THE AUDIENCE.

YOU'D BE ENTERTAINING AT OLD
AGE HOMES, VETERANS HOSPITALS,

SENIOR CITIZENS CENTERS,
PARKS, YOU NAME IT.

THE PAY IS NOT
ASTRONOMICAL, BUT IT IS A LIVING.

AND THE BENEFITS ARE GREAT.

(MR. PARKS) WAIT A MINUTE.
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU ACTUALLY WANT
FIELDS AND PARKS TO WORK

FOR THE CITY GOVERNMENT?

VERY MUCH SO.

WELL, IF YOU THINK FOR ONE SOLITARY
MINUTE THAT A CLASS ACT LIKE OURS

IS GOING TO ACCEPT
A DEAL LIKE THAT.

YOUR ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!

- OK, PARTNER?
- OK, PARTNER!

WE'LL MURDER THEM
WHEREVER WE GO.

(MR. PARKS) YOU
NEVER LOST IT PAL.

MY BUDDY.

THOMAS PARNELL PLAYED A PERILOUS
ROLE IN LIFE. HE LIVED DANGEROUSLY.

ALWAYS CONSCIOUS THAT THE PRICE
OF FAILURE COULD MEAN HIS OWN DEATH.

AS INDEED IT WAS. AND NOW WE
RETURN HIS BODY TO THE EARTH

FROM WHICH WE ALL SPRANG AND TO
WHICH WE SHALL ALL SOMEDAY RETURN.

AMEN.

(PRAsYING)

IT'S MY FAULT THAT HE DIED.

OH NO, NO DON'T
BLAME YOURSELF. DON'T.

BUT WHY?

THE ONLY WAY THEY FOUND
HIM WAS BY FOLLOWING ME.

IT'S TIME, MS. WELLER.

WHY ARE WE STOPPING HERE?

I'M TOLD THE PROPIETOR FOUND
ANOTHER BOTTLE OF CUEVAS DE CAMPANET.

I THOUGHT PERHAPS YOU MIGHT
LIKE A GLASS FOR OLD TIME SAKE.

(MUSIC)

SEÑOR. SEÑORITA.

BUENOS DIAS. DO I UNDERSTAND
YOU FOUND ANOTHER BOTTLE

OF CUEVAS DE CAMPANET?

OH SEÑOR, I'M SO SORRY. I
JUST SOLD THE LAST BOTTLE

TO THE GENTLEMAN BACK THERE.

PERDON SEÑOR, UN
MOMENTO, POR FAVOR.

TOM!

BUENOS DIAS, DARLING.

BUT I JUST WATCHED
THEM BURY YOU.

YOU SAW AN EMPTY CASKET BURIED.

BUT I SAW THEM SHOOT YOU.

MR. ROARKE GAVE ME THIS
BULLETPROOF VEST AND I WORE IT

UNDERNEATH MY COSTUME.

YOU DELIBERATELY
LED ME TO THINK...

WELL YOU WERE JUST USING ME.

TRUE MS. WELLER. TO
FULFILL MR. PARELL'S FANTASY

IN THE ONLY WAY POSSIBLE.

YOU'RE A FANTASY?

SURE AM.

HE CAME HERE TO DIE, SO YOU
CAN BOTH HAVE A CHANCE TO LIVE.

TO STAGE THE ASSASSINATION
AND PERSUADE THE KILLER

THAT HE HAD SUCCEEDED.

WE NEEDED YOUR HONEST,
SINCERE UNSUSPECTING GRIEF.

THE WOULD BE KILLER LEFT
THE ISLAND HALF AN HOUR AGO.

IT'S A DIRTY TRICK TO PLAY ON
SOMEONE YOU LOVE, BUT IT WORKED.

I HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME.

I DO.

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR
MS. WELLER'S PLAN.

YOUR FANTASY IS
OVER, MS. WELLER.

ARE YOU LEAVING TOO?

NOT FOR A LONG TIME. I'M GOING TO
HAVE TO ESTABLISH A NEW IDENTITY

AND FIND ANOTHER
WAY TO MAKE A LIVING.

IT MAY TAKE A LONG TIME.

THEN I'M STAYING TOO.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO?

YES! MY FANTASY ISN'T OVER,
MR. ROARKE. IT'S ONLY JUST BEGINNING.

INDEED.

WHERE'S OUR PLANE?

IT'S INSIDE OVER
THERE. I'T'S A TRIMOTOR.

WHY DO THEY CALL IT A TRIMOTOR?

IF ONE MOTOR DOESN'T
WORK, THEY TRY ANOTHER ONE.

- FUNNY?
- IN WALLA WALLA.

GOODBYE. GOODBYE MR. ROARKE.

AND THANKS FOR THE FANTASY!

OH, YOU ARE MOST WELCOME,
MR. PARKS BUT, REMEMBER THAT

YOUR FANTASY IS NOW REALITY.

HEY TATTOO, WHY DON'T
YOU PUT ON HIGH HEELS

AND ASK FOR MORE MONEY?

IS HE THE GREATEST?

- BYE.
- BYE.

BOSS, YOU WANT TO SEE
MY NEWEST INVENTION?

DO I HAVE A CHOICE?

THIS IS A FLY KILLER,
MONEY BACK GUARANTEE.

TWO BLOCKS OF WOOD?

HOW DOES IT WORK?

YOU WANT ME TO SHOW
YOU HOW IT WORKS?

LOOK, THIS IS CALLED BLOCK
A, AND THIS IS CALLED BLOCK B.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

YES.

FIRST, YOU HAVE TO CATCH A FLY.

THEN YOU PUT THE FLY ON BLOCK A.

THEN YOU TAKE BLOCK B AND
YOU SMASH IT AGAINST BLOCK A.

MAY I OFFER A
SUGGESTION MY FRIEND?

BACK TO THE OLD DRAWING BOARD.

FIRST YOU CATCH A FLY.