Family Tree (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Welcome to America - full transcript

Tom arrives in California to stay with Al and Kitty, who make him very welcome - although he is inexplicably scared of their cat. In the middle of the night he is woken by a Skype from Monkey to tell him that Bea has lost her job. At the weekend Al and Kitty hold a barbecue inviting other cousins, the married Rick and Julie, and the rather strange Dave - whose Peruvian wife has gone missing and who claims to have a vestigial tail. He also tells Tom that Charles Chadwick fled to England in the aftermath of the American Civil War, possibly because he was an accomplice to the murder of Abraham Lincoln.












Sync & corrections by honeybunny

LA, baby!

Al and Kitty
have invited me over

to pursue the Chadwick

And the timing just felt right.

You know, with the breakup

and the--
the redundancy,

it just felt like
it was time to, you know,

stop sitting around and waiting
for my life to happen.


here I am at LAX,

Los Angeles...


- I don't know what the X--
There he is.

- Tom!
- Here, look-- whoa!

- Oh, Tom.
- Tom!

- So sorry.
- No.

- The traffic.
- Are you late? I didn't even notice.

- Great to meet you.
- The freeway was a sardine can.

So lovely
to meet you. Hi.

- Oh, look. Hey.
- Look at what-- look.

- Aw!
- I made this today.

That's so sweet, Kitty.

- Yes. Do you like it?
- Come on, I got the car right here.

- Great.
- Let go.

- Let go.
- Okay.

Remember, we're
having a BBQ tomorrow.

We're having a barbecue
in your honor.

You're gonna meet
your relatives.

- Rick Tillman from the Tillmans is coming.
- And Julie.

- And Julie. Rick and Julie.
- Julie, his girlfriend.

David Chadwick's coming all
the way from the Carolinas.

- Oh, my God.
- He's on a road trip.

He drove his car
across the whole country.

- That's great.
- I'm gonna make a big salad.

You're gonna see
all your relatives.

- Oh, it's...
- Do you like music?

I do, yeah.

- Do you like R&B?
- R&B?

Put it on, put it on.

Oh, great. Wow.

Check it.


♪ She's the kind of lady... ♪


♪ She's the kind of woman ♪

♪ I call her baby ♪

♪ And she calls me
uh-uh... ♪

- Yeah.
- ♪ When I see her walking... ♪

How about it?
How about it?

Does R&B mean
the same thing here?

- Yes, rhythm and blues.
- Oh!

♪ She's my lady baby... ♪

It's so beautiful.

Someone's got green fingers.

- That's me.
- Is it?

We love this neighborhood.

- It's just perfect.
- We just love it, love it, love it.

- Palm trees on your roads.
- Yeah.

Here we are.


It's lovely.

Thank you.

This really is
quite beautiful, guys.

- Oh, thank you.
- All her keen eyes. She did all this.

- No.
- I did, I did.

I actually got a book
and I read a book

about how to redo a house,
and that's how I learned.

Well, it worked.
It was a good book.

Well, thank you.
Thank you.

And sí casa c'est mi casa.

Well, I think you're trying
to say, "Mi casa es su casa."

"Our house is your house"
en español.

Oh, yeah. I saw there was loads
of Mexicans at the airport.

Yeah, it's... California.

- Yeah.
- While you're here, anything you need,

anything you want,
you just tell us.

- Thank you.
- I grew up in this house.

This was my father's house
and there's a lot of--

a lot of great memories
in this house.

I can't, for the life of me,
remember any of them, but...

So, you wanna see your room?

- I have my own room?
- And your own loo.

Stop it.

Well, I'm Al Chadwick

and I was born and raised
in Glendale, California.

And I'm a podiatrist,
the son of a podiatrist.

I can say I successfully followed
in my father's footsteps.

Met a lovely lady some years ago.

Seated to my left here.

I saw her number
on a bathroom wall.

She's not that kind of girl
and I'm not that kind of guy.

Some prankster
put her number there.

But it was kismet.
It was serendipity.

We were destined to meet

and we've been
in love ever since.

We have.
We have.

- This is your suite.
- Oh...

Our daughter's away at grad
school, so this is all yours.

It's been a while
since I've been

in a college girl's bedroom.

- Oh, really?
- Hopefully this will be less harrowing.

Well, she won't
be back for a while.

Terrific. It's great.

Well, this is embarrassing.
So just--

I was fostering a senior
citizen basset hound

who had a little bit
of a bladder control--

- We've gotta recarpet this.
- I know, but in the meantime--

- We'll throw something over it.
- Some sand or something.

- We've all been there.
- Yeah.

And this is your bathroom.

- Your very own.
- Sweet.

That's great, actually.

That's about to see
some serious action.

Oh. Well, it's all yours.

And I am gonna
get dinner started.

What would you
like to drink?

Uh, I'll have a lager.
That'd be great.

Oh, that's a beer.

Oh, a beer.

Now, it's cold.
Do you mind?

Shall I heat it up for you?

No, that'd be fine.

- Cold works--
- Cold's okay? Okay.

- Cold works well.
- Lager. Lager.

That's close enough.

- Thank you.
- Okay.


- Hello.
- Tommy...

- it's me.
- Hey, Pete.

How are you?

- I'm in America!
- Yay!

You're in America!

- What's a bear's favorite pasta?
- What?

Oh, shit--
I don't know, Pete.

What's a bear's favorite pasta?

- Tagliatelle.
- What?


Oh-- tagliateddy,
not tag--

you all right?

I'm great.

I mean, I'm a bit jet-lagged,
but I'm all right.

What time is it there?

Uh... I'm still
on old time--

wait, what time is it--
it's really late there.

It's 3:00
in the morning here.

- Where are you?
- I'm at work.

I've been up all night.

I've been helping
the zebu give birth

to a little baby zebu.

It came out of its mom's...
front one.

Yeah, that's how that works.

Any-- listen,

- I can't wait to see you.
- You too.

It's gonna be amazing.

Yeah, I'm looking forward
to seeing you, man.

All right, buddy.

Love you!

- Love--
- Bye!


Oh-- toilet.

"I'm looking
forward to meeting Pete."

Yes, that's gonna be fun.

I'm excited that Pete
is coming to visit.

I'm a little worried how
Kitty will deal with him.

Pete's great.

But when he used
to come and visit

when I was living
in Ireland with my mom,

he-- he would insist
on sleeping naked.

Which is fine
when you're at home.

But when you're camping

or sleeping on your friend's
mother's couch,

it's a little--
it's different.

So this would be

my great-great-
grandfather Charles.

- Yes.
- And this chirpy little chiquita

- is his wife Rebecca.
- Rebecca and Charles.

Yeah, this would be a brother of
your great-grandfather Edward.

Edward. So this would
be my great-granduncle.

That's the one.

And here he is
in his military garb

during the Civil War,
but there's a button missing.

And I found
a couple of buttons in--

in Victoria's box.

I don't know
what that one is for,

but this one looks
like it's a match.

- Isn't that amazing?
- Let me look at--

The British are coming!
The British are coming!

- ♪ Ta-ta ta-ta! ♪
- Oh, boy. My neighbor.

There he is!

- Hey.
- Sorry, my bagpipes are in the shop.

Your Majesty,
I beg your indulgence.

- Enter, sir.
- Mike.

- Hello.
- How are ya, Al?

- Very good, Michael.
- Seen anything mysterious lately

- you want to report?
- Just now I did.

- Hi, I'm Mike.
- Hello.

- And you're?
- I'm Tom.

We're just getting over
the Beatles invasion.

Hey, I brought you

some English muffins
so you'd feel comfortable.

That's very thoughtful, Mike.
Thank you.

You might wanna toss them
in the toaster.

I understand these Brits like their
buns warm and well-buttered.

I don't know what that means, but okay.

And something to take back
to England to your friends--

this is a toothbrush
with a book of instructions.

Use it twice a day
and call me in the morning.

- That's--
- I'm just having some fun with you there.

'Cause we've got bad teeth.


So, is this your first
time in the States?

Yeah, first time.
American virgin.

So listen, we have a great country.
Make a point to see it.

You can ski in the snow,
you can swim in the ocean.

Or if you wanted, you can go to
San Francisco and go both ways.

- Oh.
- You know?


- Hi, Kitty.
- Hi, Mike. How are ya?

- You look great.
- Oh, thanks. It's good to see you.

- You staying regular?
- Oh, trying.

- Okay.
- You know, trying.

Oh, sh--

I didn't-- sorry,
I didn't know you had a cat.

Oh, that's Kitty.

We rescued her from a really,
really horrible high-kill shelter.

Very, very sweet.
No claws.

- You like cats?
- What's that?

- Do you like cats?
- Uh, yeah, I like cats.

I like cats.
I'm pretty allergic to them.

Oh. You want me
to move the cat?

Yes, that
would be terrific.

Don't kill it.

- Careful, careful.
- Oh.


It's vicious, isn't it?

I'm not allergic to cats.
I just don't like them.

When I was younger, Bea told me

that they're the devil's spawn.

And I think she's right,
as it happens.

Some people don't like cats

because they don't know
what they're thinking.

But I don't like cats because I
know exactly what they're thinking.

They're thinking, "Why
don't we all get together

and scrape out Tom's eyes
in his sleep?"

There's definitely
something there.

He's a lot slimmer.



Hey, Monk.

How are you?


Is Bea there?

Well, she's sleeping.


it's pretty late here.
Can I talk to her?

No. She doesn't
feel like talking.

She's sleeping.

Well, what's going on with you?

Well, she's depressed.

She lost her job at the bank.

- Aw, shit.
- Yeah.


Were you there
when it happened?

Yeah, I was there.

- Was it your fault?
- No.

- Was it?
- No.

Can I talk to Bea?


Will you tell her
that I'm really sorry

that she lost her job?


I'm really not
gonna talk to Bea?

Is that what's--
I'm just gonna talk to you?

She's sleeping, I said.

Okay, I'm gonna--

I'm gonna go.
Sorry, Bea.



You know, thanks to
my father Al Senior,

I got a wonderful education
as a podiatrist.

But a more important part
of my education came

when I was just 14.

I went to Camp Weenahaha
up in the Sierras there

and we had
Native American leaders

come and teach us the old ways.

Elders came and taught us
things about...

you know, whittling.

We learned

which is fire-starting, and...

which is Indian gaming.

I can start a fire with a garlic
press and some bear scat.

I can make an old cigar humidor

into a drum for signaling help.

These are skills that I've
honed over the years.

And, you know, we need
to think in those ways.

There's gonna come a time,
and I mean soon,

when you'll turn on the lights
and nothing will happen.

I learned to not only operate,
but to build a ham radio.

So I'll communicate
with my friends out there,

like-minded people
who know this is coming,

and that's why I have the SUV
with the high clearance

to get over the barricades
and get back home

and help my wife
and feed her and keep her warm.

We're gonna need these skills,
because the time is coming,

and I mean-- I mean now.

- You doing okay, Tom?
- I'm doing great.

- I am nailing this.
- Oh, good.

You know, I wanted
to ask you--

so, the school you went to,
was it like Hogwarts?

Yeah, I bet it was.
What was that like?

Was it like--
did the teachers wear

those hooded pointy hats
like wizards wear?

Yeah, no.
Not so much.

Did you save your outfit?
I'd love to see it.

Yeah, yeah, no.

I like the movies and everything,
but it wasn't really like that.

Hey, can you just grab me a
bowl when you get a sec?


Oh! You found my products.
That's okay.

I was actually meaning to tell you that
I have these products that I make.

They're called "flushes"
and they're like enemas.

They come in
all different flavors.

- I'm working on more flavors, actually.
- Oh.

You know what?
It would be great for you

because it would help
your jet lag,

it would make you feel
perky and energetic.

- I feel pretty perky already.
- They're fantastic.

It's like an anal milkshake.

- Why are they flavored?
- It's interesting.

There are tiny taste buds
up inside your anus.

- Shut up.
- Yes.

And if you don't like these,
I've got a bubble gum,

I've got a strawberry
shortcake I'm working on.

Some cookies and cream
right up the--

I'll get that, actually.

Oh, I can't wait.

This is gonna be great.



We can come right in.
I'm not worried about--

- Oh, hey.
- Hi.

- Tom. Yeah, hi. Rick.
- Yes.

- Rick!
- Yes.

- And, uh...
- Julie.

From Redondo Beach.

- That's exactly right.
- I've got it all up there.

Yeah, you do.
You've got it figured out.

- Lovely to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.

We brought you
a little something.

Actually, Julie made it.

Yeah, it's just meats.

It's a really good
Lebanese dish.

That sounds delicious.
I'll bring that in.

Actually, I'd like to hold on
to this, if you don't mind.

- She'll just carry it.
- That's fine.

Why don't you
come through, hmm?

- Yeah.
- This is exciting.

Welcome to Al's BBQ.

We have some multicultural
fare for you today

for our friend
who crossed the pond.

We got our English bangers,
Italian sausage,

and we got the bratwurst, so a
little bit from three countries.

The size and the girth
of that one there

reminds me of sausages
from Istanbul, I believe.

It's called "sucuk"

and it's mostly
horse meat and cumin.

And really spicy, really spicy.

It would knock your socks off.

Stuff like this
would just be dull.

I've seen those. You can see the
marks on the side of the meat

from when the jockey
was whipping it.

Yes, you would.
Yes, you would.

You know, my stepmother
is Moldovan,

so we have a lot of native
sausage in the house in London.

Yeah, it's really something.
Full of flavor.

- Uh-huh.
- None of which are pleasant.

The cheese is always
the first to go.

I know. Do you eat
imported cheese?

What do-- no. You mean
from different countries?

Yeah, like France
or Italy or Ireland.

I just look at the box, the
color of my mood, the pictures.

I don't read what it says.

- Cheese is cheese.
- No.

Well, but it's not


- Is this the Chadwick house?
- Yeah.

- Hi. I'm Dave Chadwick.
- Oh, hi, Dave.

- I'm Kitty.
- How are you?

- It's nice to meet you.
- It's nice to meet you, too.

Hey, Al, Dave's here.

Welcome, welcome.

Hey. How's it going?

Nice to meet you
live and in person.


Mm. You, sir,
deliver a juicy sausage.

There's nothing more exciting
than a barbecue.

So, uh...

Dave, do you have a special
lady in your life?

Well, I did.

- Ah.
- Mm.

- What?
- It's a complicated story.

- Right.
- I have a couple of pictures.


This one.

Guadalupe is her name.

She's very beautiful.

Yeah, she's from Peru.

That's why she's
wearing that hat.

Ah. They wear those all
the-- I didn't know that.

They do, yeah.

That's us trick-or-treating
on our street.

- Really good.
- Yeah.

- Which one--?
- I'm Stan Laurel.

She's Hardy.

Oliver Hardy, but she
called herself Ola.

She couldn't say Oliver
for some reason.

You made quite the couple.

- Yeah.
- But it didn't work out?

She's missing.

She went missing
about three years ago.

She's just missing?

I don't know where she
is, to be honest.

That's terrible.
I'm so sorry.

I looked for her

for about a year
and a half, pretty solid,

and then it started
to kind of dwindle off.

I had other things
I was doing--

- you know, working, of course.
- Yeah.

So now, I'll be honest,
I don't know where she is,

but I'm kind of back
to my regular routine.

You guys got on--
it was a good relationship?


My part of the
Chadwick family

come from
mostly North Carolina,

but other places as well.

Mostly what I know

is about
my grandfather Phineas,

who was a musician

and a collector of art.

And he was also an actor

and a baseball player.

♪ Spotted pup runnin' around the barn ♪

♪ Spotted pup runnin'
around the barn... ♪

He's a good banjo
player, isn't he?

Yeah, he's a good musician.

He's got a nice voice, too.

♪ Where are you goin'? ♪

And that's
the spotted pup song.

- Nice.
- Hey.

- That was great.
- Yeah.

- That's a funny little piece there.
- You look like him.

I can see it.
I can see it, yeah.

A little bit, yeah, yeah.

I have an interesting
document here,

which is a passenger list

which shows Charles Chadwick

going to England.

- Can I take a look at that?
- Yeah. Here.

Let's see.


Oh, yeah.

So, he left for England
on April 16, 1865.

It's so weird that
they would go to England.

Yeah, you know,
history at that time

was just drinking and gambling.

Maybe he had a big gambling
debt and had to go.

Or maybe he just didn't pay
his taxes and he had to flee.

- Well, that's possible.
- Can I see that?


I find this date
of particular interest.

April 16, 1865--

two days after
Lincoln was shot.


Why would that be--?

My great-granduncle
Charles Chadwick

has the resources
to go over to England?

- Where'd he get his funding?
- Holy shit.

Al, I don't know where he
would get his funding.

- I don't.
- People just get jobs.

He had a job, all right.

It's widely known that Booth did not
act alone; he had an accomplice.

And the chatter over the
telegraph at the time

was that it was someone
sympathetic to England.

History doesn't show
that at all, Al.

- No one has ever claimed that there was a--
- Yes, it does.

- Really? Okay.
- Yes, it does.

I hear music and the
sound of laughter.

Hi. How are you?
I'm sorry I'm late.

Listen, Kim is at home
with a bad migraine.

Migraines are very painful,
particularly for me

because that means there'll be
no hanky-panky tonight.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to
be crude saying hanky-panky.

But there's ladies present
and I didn't wanna say "fuck."

Oh, right.

Look at me sitting in shorts.


It's mad to think, you know,
a couple of months ago,

I didn't know
that these people existed.

And here we are just bonding.

And I suppose it makes sense

that we're connecting
so quickly,

because we're all part
of this tree.

This is what I'm getting
as time goes on.

I'm a part--
I'm a twig,

a sheltered little Irish twig,

and Al and Kitty
are a high branch

that have been
in the sun too long.

Rick's the trunk.

Dave's a bit of gnarly bark.

All connected.

So the warden comes over
and he says, "Bad news.

Tonight's your night
in the barrel."

Gives a whole new meaning
to "feeling your oats," huh?


Hey, Al, is that
a Wiffle ball set?

- Is that yours?
- It's our daughter's, actually.

My gosh. Let's have
a Wiffle ball game.

What do you say?
Everyone up for it?

Yeah, I could do that.
I'll do that.

All right, everyone spread
out in a semicircle.

Dave, you set them up
into position.

- Where do you want to--?
- Just stand out there.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Help Tom.
You show him, Al.

- Can I play with a beer in my hand?
- Absolutely, yeah.

Just keep your head up.
All right.

All right, Tom, bend over

and put your hands
on your knees.

Not the first time
you've heard that, huh?

All right, everyone ready?
This is just a practice.

It's a beautiful day
for a Wiffle ball game.

The weather is sunny with a
40% chance of a home run.

- Ow! My gosh!
- Oh!

- Oh!
- Kitty! You okay?

- No!
- What are you doing?

- Careful with that.
- Oh, my God.

- I see a retina.
- Put this on.

- What's that?
- It's some ice-cold lobster.

- Lobster?!
- This is from the ocean.

- The shell is gonna cut her.
- It stinks.

- Get that out of here.
- But it's nature.

I need, like, a vegetable.

Her retina's gonna detach.
You've gotta hold that in.

Here's a couple of shrimp.
They're very dull.

- No salt.
- No, no, please.

This is so nice.

This is pleasant.

Do you ever do this
in London Town?

No, I don't have a hot tub.
Don't have the space.

So much room here.

- Yeah.
- I love this.

- Yeah.
- Nice, isn't it?

It's weird to think

if things had gone
slightly differently--

Edward had gone to Britain,

Charles had
stayed here--

this would be my hot tub.

You'd be a podiatrist...

playing "Kitty Kitty
Bang Bang" here.

- All right.
- Oh!

I don't hate the idea
of that, Al.

- With no accent.
- Yeah.

Well, I'd have
an American accent.

Well, that's not an accent.


Wanna get some trunks
and come on in?

Dave, come join us.

Come for a little
dippy-dippy, Davey.

Well, here's the thing.

I have a vestigial tail.

And if I get in the hot water,

it's gonna inflame it,

and you don't want that
to happen.

So probably best
that I don't submerge it.

You know, it's just
a nubby little thing.

It's like a knuckle,

but it gets all red at the tip.

Is that a-- is that
a hereditary thing?

It is, actually, yes.

It doesn't run
maybe in all parts

of the Chadwicks,
but it's--

in my case, I have to get

one half size larger in pants

because it protrudes.

So thank you for the invite,

but I shall go
beddy-bye now.

- Thank you.
- Good night.

All right.
Nighty-night, cuz.

I don't see a tail.

It must be the fit of the pants.
I couldn't see a thing.

It's probably one like a Doberman
pinscher kind that just is like--

Maybe they bobbed it
like you bob a dog's tail.

Right, and I bet he--
I wonder if he'd wag it.

Sweetie, I'm getting tired.

- I am, too.
- You wanna hit it?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Yeah, I might just stay and
look at the stars for a bit.

- You stay.
- I don't get to do this often.

- Stay as long as you like.
- Night-night.

Thanks so much for today.

Oh, sure. Good night.

- Here you go, sweetie.
- Thank you, thank you.

- Hey, Tom.
- Huh?

Where is everybody?

Um, they went to bed.

Oh. Well, if the ladies
have all retired,

then in that case,

looks like I don't need these.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny

♪ When I found you,
I found myself ♪

♪ I was gonna love you
like nobody else ♪

♪ But I never really
had a clue ♪

♪ How to love a girl like you ♪

♪ Two true believers ♪

♪ We devised ♪

♪ A temporary paradise ♪

♪ Now our future's
in the past ♪

♪ I should have known ♪

♪ It wouldn't last ♪

♪ I should have been
a better man ♪

♪ You could have been
a better friend ♪

♪ I'm alone, but that's okay ♪

♪ I guess the dice ♪

♪ Just rolled that way. ♪