Family Tree (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Country Life - full transcript

( car engines roaring )

( tires screeching )

( video game music playing )

( beeping )

( tires screeching )

Tom:
Alistair Chadwick, Jr.

Glendale, California.

He's got a phone number
on here.

His number's on here, Pete.

Good.

Do you know
who I'm talking about?



Yeah, the, um...

the bloke you're always
talking about.

That's right. I thought
you weren't listening.

No. God, no.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- This is...
- Oh.

...Thomas Chadwick.

I'm looking to speak
to Alistair Chadwick, Jr.

This is a voicemail.
I just realized.

I am a-- your relative
in London, England.

We are spawned from
the great Chadwick oak.

So let's chat about
how great that is.

Thank you very much.

Y'all have a nice--
come back and see us, now.



You hear?

They'll love that.

- Yeah.
- That was your out.

They probably thought I was an
idiot until they heard that.

And then they're like,
"Oh, he's just one of us."

One of the gang.

- Oh, f--
- ( crashes )

You've made me crash.

These are so old.

Oh, Tom, you'll never guess

what old muggins here
has got to do this week.

Uh, finishing primary school.

No.

Um, you're going dogging
in Kew Gardens.

No, you won't guess.

I have got to get alpaca spoo

to inseminate a hembra.

Typical me.

I-- I mean, I didn't
understand any of it.

I've got to get spoo
from an alpaca...

Spoo?

Spoo.

Spoo.

You know, spoo, spunk, jizz,

cock snot, baby batter,
nut butter.

- Semen.
- Semen.

- That's another one.
- I'm familiar with it.

Yeah, so I've got
to get alpaca spoo

to inseminate a hembra,
a female alpaca,

and have a baby.

And what's
a baby alpaca called?

Oh, God! It's the new
Sherlock Holmes.

That's an unusual name.

Watson: You seem a bit
preoccupied, Holmes.

Do you notice
anything unusual, Watson?

It does seem a bit hot in here.

Your capacity for gauging
the subtle changes

in your own body temperature
is admirable, Watson,

but the warmth you are feeling
is the result of having

more Marmite than usual
on your sandwich at lunch.

And as a doctor, you would
know that yeast extract

contains a high amount
of niacin,

which has caused you to
experience a slight heat flash.

( paper tearing )

Holmes:
However, my concerns

are somewhat more cosmic
in nature.

Watson:
I don't understand.

What are you doing?

Getting my DNA

to speed up the whole
family tree thing.

Yeah?
Give us a go.

It kind of defeats the purpose
if you use the same--

I want to do it.

Why can't I do it?

All right.

Yeah, okay.

- Could we be related?
- I don't think so.

I hope not.

Tom:
I'm no button expert.

I've never claimed to be one.

But I think these are American.

It's got an eagle on it

and it says "quality"
on the back.

So it can't be made in England.

These people are American--
Charles and Rebecca Chadwick.

But they left America.

When everybody else from England
and Ireland were on ships

heading over to the East Coast,

Charles and Rebecca Chadwick

came from America on their own

to spawn Harry Chadwick,
my great-granddad,

and later me
and all of these guys

and this guy, Brian,
my great-uncle.

And later his sons
Graham Chadwick

and Ronnie Chadwick,
who I've tracked down.

And they run a farm
in Derbyshire.

I'm gonna go and see them
'cause I want answers.

Tom:
Think this is good?

Mr. Pfister:
Yeah, I'm not sure, Tommy.

I think this might be
more Warwickshire

or Leicestershire
than Derbyshire.

I just want to make sure
that I fit in.

This is nice.

Did I tell you that I met
Sarah at Sainsbury's?

It was good.
Really nice.

The first time since--?

Yeah, first time
since we broke up.

So it was good. She was looking well.
She was looking...

Um, she was with someone.

- Some guy called Clint.
- Clint?

It was closure, actually.
It felt nice.

Although she did do
this thing where she'd--

that kind of, you know--
"Hey, Tom," you know?

She'd kind of drop
her head to one side.

I'm like,
"I'm not having that."

So then I was like, "Oh, I'm fine.
How are you?"

She was wearing red lipstick.

I used to love when she
would wear red lipstick.

She would never wear it for me

because she thought
it looked too slutty.

She would wear
this pale pink shit.

But, no, Clint likes red
lipstick, so she's all over it.

She looks like
a big sexy clown mouth.

I think this is good.

I like the hat.

Just top it off.
What do you reckon?

- You want my honest opinion?
- Yeah.

You look like
a grade-A cock, man.

That's great.

Man: Thanks for coming
in, Mr. Chadwick.

Tom: Sure.
Sure, no problem.

Are you familiar
with the new software?

The new software...

Which-- which one would
be the new software?

The industry standard software

that we all have to use now.

We were more hands-on.

We would use models and...

So you don't know
how to use the software?

No.

All right.
Um...

Please give me the job.

( children playing )

Pete:
Right, come on in, Taurus.

Step one: impregnation.

Getting you in the mood...

for lovemaking.

Oh, look at her.
Eh?

You know she's got
a really long neck

and little, short, stubby legs

and a great big ass.

I don't know
what's up with Taurus.

He might not be ready
to be a dad.

Do you know what?
If someone was--

'cause I was there watching him,
telling him to get hard.

And that's--
that's an added level

of pressure and anxiety

that no bloke needs,

and no one wants that
to happen.

But I imagine being a dad.

How cool would that be?

I'd love to be a dad.

I mean, I've got to find
the right girl first.

None of the girls I'm seeing
at the moment are--

they're not mother material.

Well, one of them is a mother.

But the others
are like 16 and 18.

I met her at an over-40s
night in Catford.

And she's a terrible mom,
actually.

I mean, so I wouldn't--

none of the ones
I'm seeing would be--

but if I meet the right girl,
I'm happy to have a baby.

It'd be a little babe--

and I'd wear it on a papoose

and then I'd push him on the
swings and the roundabouts.

Then I'd have a go, 'cause
I still love playgrounds,

especially when drunk.

Keith: I get a bit nervous once
we get out of town, you know?

I don't trust nature.
It's anarchy.

( sighs )

I wonder why Brian
and William fell out.

Could be a million things.

Maybe he was locked
in an attic.

Didn't get out much.
Ate cat food.

Mildred said that one of
them could do no good

and one of them
could do no bad.

- What does that mean?
- I don't know.

It's probably
something very mundane.

- Has someone farted?
- Monkey.

- I farted.
- No, that's her lunch.

( farts )

- ( phone beeps )
- Ooh.

Sorry.

Oh.

- What's up?
- Al.

- Remember I was telling you about Al in California?
- Yeah.

He just text--
he's going to--

he's going to call me later.

- What's his relation to us?
- Oh, God.

He's-- he'd be your--

a third cousin of yours.

- Aye.
- Yeah.

- He seems really nice.
- Uh-oh.

- Bea, stop car, please.
- Uh-oh, that's her number two face.

- I think you'd better pull over.
- Stop car.

Sausage need to leave me.
Stop car!

I'm going to.
I'm going to.

- Look for a place to pull over, Bea.
- Hurry, hurry!

- All right!
- Calm down!

- Jesus Christ!
- I need to go!

Bea: Shut up.

God, that is a primitive woman.

Oh.

"I think that I shall never see

A poem as lovely as a tree.

Poems are made
by fools like me,

But only God
can make a tree."

I didn't write that.

It's just--
that was written by--

( Luba shouting in Moldovan )

Trees are great.

- All good?
- Yes.

I think you're
missing something.

Didn't you have
the complete set?

Yeah?

Christ.

Good-bye Kitty.

"Preparing the AV device.

Semen can be collected
in several ways.

There's the use
of an artificial vagina..."

Which is what AV stand--
artificial vagina.

"...electro ejaculator,

or by massaging by hand."

Mm-mm. I'll go with
the artificial vagina.

Right.

Tom:
Well, this must be it.

Monkey:
Oh, hallelujah.

- Man: Heyo. You all right?
- You must be Graham.

- I'm Graham, yeah.
- I'm your cousin Keith.

- Keith.
- I'm the city mouse.

- My wife Luba.
- Do what, love?

- Luba.
- Oh, right.

- Yeah.
- Orange head.

- Here's Bea.
- Hello. How are you?

- And this is Tom.
- Hello.

- Hiya.
- Bloody hell, you're a size, ain't you?

- I'm a big fella.
- Ayup. I'm Emma.

- Hello, P...
- What's all this, then?

Hello, everybody.

Emma, Carol, Henry,
down there's Sweet Pea.

- Aw.
- Remember that 'cause there'll be a test later.

- ( all laugh )
- Yeah.

Right, well,
you guys better--

are you all right to take them?

- Where are they going?
- Cinema.

Cinema's fun, isn't it?

Do you wanna come inside?

That'd be great,
Graham. Thanks.

Why don't you
come and meet--

Ronnie's in the barn, so you
might as well come and--

- Yeah, I'll go and say hi to Ronnie.
- Keith: We'll see you in a bit.

Will you put the kettle
on, Graham, for...

- Oh, right, yeah.
- Luba: Where is pig?

She wants to meet your pig.
She's mad for pigs.

So you've been up
in Derbyshire before, then?

I don't believe so.
I don't believe so.

The air is very distinctive.

Yeah, it's the manure,
I'm afraid.

( moos )

- Emma: Ronnie?
- Yeah?

- Tom's here.
- Oh, Tom! You made it.

I did.
Look at all these.

How lovely to meet you.

Is there a problem?
Why don't you--?

I'm joking.
It's just one of the old--

- Oh.
- He does that every time.

- Yeah.
- Every time.

I've left your dad making the
tea, so it's gonna be a disaster.

- See you later.
- Okay, thank you.

Well, welcome.
Here we are.

Look at all
those lovely ladies.

Lovely ladies, yeah. And they're
all pregnant, actually.

- How can you tell?
- Ah, well, there you go. You see?

- Oh, you put your hand up them, don't you?
- Put your hand up them.

That's what we've been doing
for the last two days.

Do they have funny eating
habits when they're pregnant?

- No.
- Like, are they like, "I don't want straw,

I want avocado mousse
and vanilla yogurt"?

No.

Do you keep any of that
close by in case?

No. No.

No, they just stay
with the hay.

That's-- yeah.

Oh, that's a handsome woman,
that is.

Graham:
Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry.
Very sorry.

Well, you know
what they say--

"rooster today,
feather duster tomorrow."

More truth in poetry there.

- A shame.
- Yeah.

- How'd she go, then?
- Lung cancer.

- Was she a smoker?
- Like a fucking chimney.

Yeah, I gave them up myself.

Yeah.

Well, it's...

Is that
"Move Along, Please!"?

Yeah.

That's my favorite program.

Go on.

- Yeah.
- Richard Breen.

Oh, there's a funny man.

- Richard...?
- Richard Breen.

Richard Breen, yeah.

You know, Sergeant Biggins.

- I do, yeah. Keith. Eh.
- What?

( laughs )

You don't--
get out of here.

( laughing )

- May I?
- Yeah. Easy, easy.

There he is.
There's Sergeant Biggins.

Rare as rocking horse
shit, that.

I'll bet.

How did you score this?

Swapped it for Julie Andrews.

Well, you came out
ahead, didn't you?

Yeah, no contest.

- Small world, eh?
- Yeah.

Isn't that funny?

The two of us
have something like this?

I know.
It's amazing, ain't it?

When you came up from London,
I thought, "Oh, fuckin' hell."

Knee deep in cow shit.
I didn't know what to expect.

( both laughing )

Why don't you fire one up?
Just put one in.

- You want to see one?
- Why not?

They're gonna be busy
in there for hours.

- I were watching it only last night.
- Were you?

You gotta guess which episode.

All right.
I'm fairly confident.

How many seconds?

Give me five.

- I'll give you three.
- All right.

Here we go.
All right?

Man:
How do these look?

- "Stakeout."
- Oh! What?!

- Keith: Series two.
- Graham: That's a record!

I'm on two seconds.

Keith:
I love this one.

Does he wear
orange well or what?

- I love this bit. I love this bit.
- Yeah.

Excuse me, miss.

Can you direct me
to the nearest muffler shop?

Man: No, but I can help you
clean your exhaust pipe.

- PC Dawson?
- PC Dawson?

- Sergeant Biggins?
- Sergeant Biggins?

Biggins:
You idiot.

Tonight is the prossy sting.

Ah, Keith, mate!

All right.

Why your cabbage so small?

It's a brussel sprout.

It's a brussel sprout.

Witch put curse on cabbage.

Oh, no, they're lovely.

They're lovely.
You should try them.

- No.
- Monkey: Don't worry, she's hard to please.

What are you doing with this?
What is it?

It's my dress.

You steal from gypsy?

No, it's--
I'm being a maid in it.

It's for the feast
of St. Krakowitz.

Oh, right.

You know, in the village?

What's that--
the feast?

We've done it
for, like, centuries.

It's, like, we've got
loads of fun for all the fam.

They've got coconut shies.

They've got the stocks,

you know,
where we throw tomatoes.

You must have heard of
the Riddle Stomp Flap, yeah?

- No.
- No?

Oh, it's ever so funny.

It's from, like, the 13th
century or something.

But they do the dan-- like, "One, two, three, huh!
One, two, three, huh!"

And then on the third "huh,"

you kicks someone else up the bum.
( laughs )

This your festival?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Not very good.

In Moldova we have
Festival of Life--

Targul de Fete.
It very, very good.

All the virgin,
they go up to mountain

to sing magic chicken

who give magic egg to virgin.

Then all men come and they sing

and dance and drink
and eat all night.

At miezul noptii--
is midnight--

virgin put egg in mouth.

In morning, sun come up,
take egg from mouth.

If egg no broke, she virgin.

They love forever and marry.

If egg broke, she not a virgin.

She prostituta.

He throw big cabbage
at her head.

And baby dragon, he come out of
egg and eat dirty lady face.

Well, sounds lovely.

It very fun.
You must come.

Let's take this one up here.

- If you'd just grab ahold of him--
- I get to hold him?

- Yeah, you get to hold him.
- Oh, my God! Wow!

- ( bleats )
- There you go.

- Oh, hello. Hello, little fella.
- Very good.

Now hold him tight, and then with your
other hand we just want you to...

with-- with these.

What are those for?

For castrating the--
castrating the lambs.

Shut the fuck up.

No, it's what we've gotta do.

Because we're
rearing these for meat.

- That seems-- that seems really intense.
- Oh, I know.

Well, it's-- it's really
a lot more civilized

than what we used
to do-- bricking.

- What's bricking?
- You just get two bricks,

any kind of bricks,
household bricks, and...

- really give them a--
- Got it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

"Smash, crackle, and pop"
we used to call it.

- That's cute.
- Yeah, you like that?

So get a good hold of that
and, like I say, clamp on,

twist and pull
in a clean motion,

so you get them--
you pop them both off.

- Got it?
- It's farming, isn't it?

That's it.
This is it.

"Be bold, bloody,
and resolute,"

Shakespeare I think said.

So, yeah.
No time like the present.

- I could feel its heart beat.
- Yeah, I bet you can.

- I need toilet.
- Sorry?

Is there a loo
out here or anything?

Sure, yeah.
There's one in the barn.

I'm just gonna do that first.

- You don't want to do--?
- No, I can-- I need to toilet.

I need to do it.
Sorry.

Hand him back.
There we go.

But these will be waiting
for you on your return.

He's saying, "You've
gotta nip these off."

- Yeah.
- "My little nuts."

Ugh!
Don't look at me.

- Don't look at me!
- ( alpaca warbling )

- Ugh!
- ( ringtone playing )

Oh, God.
Why now? Why--?

- Hello?
- Hey, Pete. It's Tom.

Tommy! Ha ha.
You all right, mate?

Yeah.
Um, quick question.

- I'm at the farm in Derbyshire.
- Mm-hmm.

And the farmer wants me
to castrate a lamb.

We've all got problems, mate.

I'm trying to bring off
an alpaca into a tube.

I wish I couldn't see
what I can see now.

- Okay, I don't want to--
- I've been doing it for 40 minutes.

Feels like my arm's
gonna fall off.

- Okay--
- ( ringtone playing )

Oh, hey, wait--
wait a sec--

You know what, Pete? I'm
gonna have to call you back.

I've got another call
coming through.

Oh, yeah.
No, go.

Hello!

Hello there.

Tom, hi.
It's Al.

- And it's your cousin Kitty.
- From California.

- Hi!
- Hello!

Great to finally meet you
via satellite.

I know.
This is exciting.

It's nice and clear.

I didn't think
we'd see you so good

through all that pea soup
fog in Old Blighty there.

Yeah.

It looks so--
it looks so bright there.

Well, we're in California,
so it's very, very sunny.

It's morning and it's sunny

and we just picked
some fruit and ate it.

Oh, I love fruit.
I love fruit, Al.

- Yeah.
- We pick it in the yard

'cause we've got
orange trees and--

- We've got lots of trees.
- You've got fruit in your yard?

- You should come see it.
- Don't say that, Al, 'cause I will come.

- You should! Come stay with us.
- We'd love it.

You're a savior.
That would be terrific.

I'll e-mail you
some dates and you pick.

We're serious.
Come on down.

Come "across the pond,"
as they say.

Hop on over.

Give us a tinkle first
and let us know when.

Okay.

It's funny.
England is funny.

It is.

Listen, we'll e-mail.

( laughs )

All right. Sorry, you're
breaking up a tiny bit.

Thank you so much.

- Okay. Cheers!
- Okay.

- Cheers!
- Kitty: Cheerio!

- Bye--
- He's nice.

Kitty:
He is nice.

Ah, here he is.
Man of the hour.

All right.
Here we go.

Remember what I said?

- Good purchase, twist and pull.
- Yeah.

- All right.
- All right.

( bleats )

Okay.

Yeah, I don't think I can
castrate a lamb today, Ronnie.

( laughing )

- What?
- Tom, I wasn't gonna make you do it.

They don't even do it
like this anymore.

( laughing )

- You were just messing with me?
- Yes.

Oh.

- That's not funny.
- Well, it's quite funny.

A bit of farmyard humor.
Gets us through the day.

( laughs )

If I could walk like that,
I wouldn't need talcum powder.

( laughing )

Did you bring
your truncheon with you?

No.

Laughter's
the best medicine, isn't it?

- I wet myself sometimes.
- Yeah.

The older you get, the easier
it is to wet yourself.

Yeah.

Graham: Oh, God. He's a
genius, he is, this man.

- That's funny stuff.
- If only coppers were like that today

like they was then.

What, dressed up in frocks?

- You don't mean that.
- No, no. I mean, you know, real coppers.

They were different then.

That's the greatest bunch
in the world, police.

Oh, they're a bunch
of wazzocks now.

Listen, that's the
toughest job in the world

and that's the toughest bunch,
and they do a great job.

Mm. I think we might
disagree on this, Keith.

I think we might.

We beseech Thee, Lord,
send us less rain

and protect us from BVD
and bluetongue

and trypanosomiasis.

Thank You.

Amen.

Please, help yourselves.
Get the--

Speaking of grace, do you know
why God made farts smell?

- For the deaf.
- Ahem.

- Dad.
- Keith: It was a joke.

- So, um, Luba, is it?
- Yes.

I've just finished reading

Salman Rushdie's latest--

I'm allergic to fish.

Right.

So, you remember I said
I was looking into

my family past
or our family past?

- Uh-huh.
- Well, turns out that William and Brian,

our grandfathers,

had a bit of a falling out.

And I don't really know
what it was about.

Do you have any idea?

You want to hear about the dark side
of Derbyshire Chadwicks, don't you?

- That'd be great.
- Right, well, you'll like this, Keith.

- Will I?
- Keith's dad William

- and my dad Brian, they were brothers, right?
- Right.

And one day, William decided
to tell Brian something

which he should have
kept to hisself.

And it was
who was Brian's real dad.

It wasn't--?

- Sorry, wasn't Harry his dad?
- No it weren't.

- Shut up.
- No, no, no, no.

Now, you see,
Harry and Sid Balducci

- were part of the horse.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. Harry were back end.
- Right.

Sid were front end.

Harry were married to Elsie.

- But they all went around together, you know.
- Yeah.

Well, one day, Sid and
Elsie-- how shall I put it?

- She got front-ended, yeah.
- She got front-ended

and result was
a lot of little redheads.

- Are you sure about this?
- Am I sure?

I'll show you something,
shall I?

See this?

- Sid Balducci.
- Sid Balducci.

Graham: We don't come from
the ass end of the horse.

We come from front end,
don't we, lad?

So not to put
too fine a point on it--

the redheads are bastards.

Food was shit.

Yes.
Come away, Bea.

Say good-bye.
Yeah, yeah.

Thank you so much.

- No, not at all.
- Thank you.

Ronnie: And, you
know, feel free to--

if you want to get your hands
dirty again on the farm,

- you know where to come.
- Sure.

- We should hit the road.
- Tom: Yeah, we should...

Very interesting
meeting you all.

Graham:
Safe journey.

Do you think we need
to tell them--?

- No, I think they--
- But if they go--

No, they found their way here.

I'm sure they can
find their way back.

Keith: If I had to be
somewhere for eternity,

- this would be all right, eh?
- Luba: Yeah.

There they are.
The ginger Chadwicks.

That's my grandmother
on the end.

- How do you say that?
- Luba: Bunica.

- My bunica there.
- Hello.

And there's Uncle Brian,
mysterious Uncle Brian,

and a woman named Sophia
on top of him.

You're next, Keith.

( laughs ) You're not wrong.

Hardly worth the trip home.

Tom: I don't think I wanna
be a farmer now, actually.

They seem to be either too posh

or-- or too angry.

At this stage
I'm more interested in

taking up Al on his offer

of checking out California.

You know?
A bit of sun, sea...

and their other stuff.

I might be able to find out
why Charles moved

from America to England.

Idiot.

♪ I was gonna love you
like nobody else ♪

♪ But I never really
had a clue ♪

♪ How to love a girl like you ♪

♪ Two true believers,
we devised ♪

♪ A temporary paradise ♪

♪ Now our future
is in the past ♪

♪ I should have known ♪

♪ It wouldn't last ♪

♪ I should have been
a better man ♪

♪ You could have been
a better friend ♪

♪ I'm alone, but that's okay ♪

♪ I guess the dice ♪

♪ Just rolled that way. ♪